All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e03 Bilkos Deluxe Tours

It might be Brigadier General Hall.

I've got my fingers crossed for you,
sir. Thank you, Anderson.

It'll certainly be a pleasure to retire
these old eagles.

Oh, is the door closed, Anderson?

Yes, sir. I want to show you something.

Here they are, my brigadier stars.

Oh, they're beautiful.

But they look a little small.

I've been shining them for eight years.
I'm sure you'll make it.

I wish I could be so sure. Last time I
was up for Brigadier, they pulled a

surprise inspection.

Oh, what happened? They found Bilko
staging a pageant entitled, Salute to

Three R's.

Sounds educational.

That's what I thought. But it turned out
the Three R's were three strippers.

Rhonda, Rita, and Roxanne.

He's like a mother hen.

But Sarge, you all look good in front of
Gloria.

What difference does it make? She's only
going to muster me up again.

What a reunion. This is going to be 14
years the poor girl hasn't seen me. Is

sure he remembers you, Sarge? No, I
haven't changed. What?

Look, if you want to brush the hat, take
it.

What are you saying, stranger?

I wasn't talking to you, stranger.

Why? Just trying to protect the
beautiful memory the poor girl has of

Hey, Sarge, you got all the passes?

Let me see all the passes. Do I have
them? Do I?

Hey! Hey!

May I remind you, gentlemen, that you
are all soldiers in the United States

Army. And you ought to conduct yourself
like gentlemen. When we leave here, we

leave here in an orderly fashion.

And this, above all, when we reach the
charming city of San Francisco, you

remember this.

It's every man for himself.

As you were. Thank you, sir. I was just
instructing the men how to spend their

time in San Francisco profitably, sir.

Please go on with your permission, sir.

And so, Mullen, I have grand news for
you. I know how much you like the opera.

The San Francisco Opera Company is doing
Rigoletto this weekend.

Oh, how thrilling.

That's my best favorite opera.

And you, Padrelli, I have good and bad
news.

The Budapest String Quartet is appearing
at the Cow Palace. However, there's

only standing room.

I'll stand, I'll stand.

He'll stand.

And for the rest of you gentlemen,
should you want to get in touch with me,

can be reached at the local YMCA.

Anything else, sir?

Bilko, I have an idea that I'm wasting
my breath, but I'll say it anyway.

I expect you and this culture -loving
platoon to stay out of trouble. You

what the colonel said.

Is there anything else, sir? No, except
that I can only pray that San Francisco

can take it.

Take what, sir?

You and an earthquake in the same
century.

I'll handle the transportation.

Station master, ten tickets to San
Francisco in a hurry, please.

What's your hurry, soldier? You've
already missed the 2 .15.

Well, what time is the next train? Three
o 'clock tomorrow afternoon. That's not

so bad. It's 2 .30 now.

Tomorrow afternoon?

That's right, sonny. There's only one
train a day out of Grove City to San

Francisco. One train? Well, that's
ridiculous.

Well, that's what I keep telling them.
Every other day would be plenty.

Sarge, what are we going to do? There
goes our weekend.

Give me a chance to think.

Hey, Sarge, maybe we could hitchhike.
Who's going to pick up a whole platoon?

You should do it. All right, children.
Everybody on the bus now.

Wait a minute. Bus?

What bus is that? It's a school bus,
soldier. Grove City School's annual

sightseeing trip to San Francisco.

All right, children. Follow me.

Hi, little man. Oh, you dropped your
bundle. Here you are. Are you going to

Francisco all by yourself?

Yes. Oh, that'll never do. Daddy will
want to take you with him.

Daddy, hey, but... me, Dad. Is that a
way to talk to your father? Come,

little... Grab a kid. Grab a kid.

All right, parents.

All aboard to San Francisco.

What are you pushing?

That's it.

What is this, Russia?

Well, I'll report this. Separating
children from their parents. What are

trying to do? Give them a complex? I'm
writing to Dr. Spock about this.

You try. You try. One train a day for 5
,000 soldiers. We'll never

get to San Francisco. One train a day
and a broken down school bus.

You're right, Rocco. That's a disgrace.

Transporting children in a dilapidated
old bus like this, it's unsafe.

I never let my children on this bus.
Your children? Yes.

And believe me, the Grove City PTA is
going to hear about this.

The meeting of the Grove City Parent
Teachers Association will now come to

order. Tonight, Mr. Finley, our city
treasurer, is going to give us his

on our request for additional... But
first, as principal of Grove City

want to welcome a brand new member of
our community, Mr.

Elmer Bilko.

You shucks, I'm not much one for making
speeches, but I just like to say it's

just swell being with this grand PTA
group. And on behalf of my wife and six

children, well, thanks a heap.

And now to the business of the day.

The school fundraiser is coming along
just fine.

Between the rummage sale and the bingo
game, we hope to swell our treasury by

least $20 or $30.

Yes, Mr. Bilko?

Say, I have a dandy scheme in which you
can raise oodles of money for the school

fund. At the bazaar, why don't we have
an old -fashioned kissing booth with an

attractive young lady selling kisses for
a dollar apiece? Won't you do it, Miss

Brewster? A kissing booth?

Oh, please. It'll mean a heck of a lot
to the school fund. Won't you do it?

Very well, then. For the sake of the
PTA, I volunteer. Isn't she a bit small?

Yes, and you can put me down for the
first five dollars' worth of kisses.

And now, here is Mr. Finlay.

Well, let's not mince words. I've
studied this request for more funds for

school, and I'm sorry to say at this
time it's just impossible.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, give this
distinguished gentleman a chance to

speak. Right in there, won't I?

I just can't see... ...on swings for the
playground.

Now this request for $300 to buy a
wading pool for the kindergarten, a

extravagant.

Please, don't you think Mr. Finley
enjoys turning down these requests?

I'm sure he has the welfare of our
children in mind. After all, the little

can catch cold in those wading pools,
which are quite damp. Isn't that what

concerns you, sir? You can see he's too
overcome with compassion to speak. But I

guarantee you that if we need a new fire
extinguisher or a new school bus, we'd

get it just like that.

What about a new school bus? Yeah, the
old one's ready to fall apart.

A new school bus is needed, say no more.
A new school bus? All right, who'll

second that motion?

I know what you're thinking. He hates
waste, and he's saying to himself, well,

what will happen to the old school bus?

Let's donate it to charity.

Please, that's a noble gesture, but
after all, the old school bus may be old

dangerous, but it still has some cash
value.

Say, why don't we auction it off to the
highest bidder?

I bid $25.

Sold to that gentleman for $25. And
thank you, soldier, for that magnificent

bid. A new bus would cost $5 ,000.

Yes, and don't think we won't remember
that come next election day when he's

able.

Gentlemen, I have news. News!

Your transportation troubles are over.

Sarge, you got the bus. Would I let my
boys down?

Hensher is driving a bus in from Grove
City, and this weekend we all get aboard

in three hours later.

San Francisco!

Satch, you're a genius. You're a genius!

Satch, let it out, fellas. Gratitude
embarrasses me.

See, Rocco, about your reservation.

That'll be $15 a piece round trip, which
I think is rather reasonable.

$15? That's robbery. Yeah, what makes it
cost $15 a head?

Well, that's a fair question. I'm glad
you asked that. First, there's the

gasoline. Well, you're going to siphon
that out of the army tank.

You know you're going to make us do
that. Then there's the insurance, the

parking fees... appreciation why I'll
hardly have enough left for a date in

Francisco. Who are you taking out, Jai
Jai Gabor?

Behind you men, there's only one train
out of Grove City and 5 ,000 soldiers

dying to get on it?

Let's face it, he's got us.

Okay, let's go. Put me down for a
weekend. Hey, put me down. There's

Hey, Henshaw.

So, you thought you had us over a
barrel, huh, Sarge? Oh, don't count him

He can still get two horses and make a
stagecoach out of it. You're not

What happened?

I'm going along at 15 miles an hour and
all of a sudden it falls apart.

15 miles an hour? I told you to take it
easy. That's a bus and a hot rod.

Sarge, it's 20 years old. It needs a
complete overhaul. New tires, new

transmission, new everything.

Sarge, that's going to cost a lot of
money. Where's it going to come from?

Where's it going to come from?

From the stockholders.

What stockholders?

Freeze. Freeze, you.

Gentlemen, I have great news for you.
For the first time, there's a limited

amount of stock open in the BBC.

BBC? Bilko Bus Company.

Hey, wait.

Rocco. Yes, Sarge? How much have we
spent so far?

$375. Wow. Oh, don't worry about it,
Sarge. There must be 50 guys outside

waiting to buy tickets.

Yeah? Gee, this is a nice feeling. I'm
finding a legitimate business. It's the

new Bilko. Oh, that's swell, Sarge. Hey,
Rocco, wait a minute.

Why should we sell the tickets at a
fixed rate?

Why don't we auction it off to the
highest bidder? How does that sound?

old Bilko.

Must be a hundred guys out there. Did
you get the ticket? Yeah, right here,

Sarge. Fresh from the printer's. Good.
Hey, Sarge, listen to that. That crowd

getting restless. You ready for me? You
got enough gas to make change? You know

it. Here we go.

Not now. Not now, Perkins. This is a
sacred moment. We're dealing in cash.

Sarge, it's the new train schedule.

Starting Saturday, they're running five
trains a day to San Francisco. Don't

bother me. Put it on the bullet board.
Let me... Wait a minute. Let me see.

Due to the increased traffic from Camp
Fremont, the Western Railroad is happy

announce an expanded schedule of train
service.

Hey, five trains a day, wow!

And the round trip is only six bucks.
Hey!

Keep out there. May I remind you that
you're all stockholders?

Come on, back on the bus. All right,
come on in, fellas. Come on, come on.

A free straight, up $10 a man.

Step... I don't know.

Well done, huh? Yes, son.

Well, that's the way it is.

A little businessman always gets it in
the neck.

What about our investment, Sarge?

Jogging up to experience.

I've been in this for two, ten years,
and all I've got to show it is $20 ,000

worth of experience.

Shut up, let's think. There must be
something we can do with the bus to make

money. Hey, Sarge, I got an idea. What?
Drive it off the cliff, and then we can

collect the $10 ,000 insurance.

Jake, the bus isn't insured. No, but you
are.

Fellas, fellas!

Why don't we take a ride in the bus and
enjoy the nice scenery until our tempers

cool down? Ah, shut up, Doberman!

What are you saying? Shut up. Is this
the way you address a genius? Shut up. A

man comes up with a brilliant idea and
this is the way you react?

Let me be the first to congratulate you,
Dolman.

Don't you see it?

For $15, take a beautiful scenic tour
through lovely California.

Visit the home of the movie stars.

Visit the historic Indian village in the
desert.

There's no historic Indian village in
the desert around here. We'll make one.

How?

Say that again. How?

Good. You're the Indian chief, Marlon.
Good boy.

Jokes. We've got to get busy. We've got
to let the buying public know all about

the built old deluxe tour. Right. The
rest of you guys get back to work on the

bus. Move it. Come on.

Sarge. What did I say? Oh, shut up.
Can't you see I moved it?

Right here. I got my sugar man. Pass
this out on the street. Don't miss

Move it. Hand chore.

You'll do what the friend does, right?
Right. Be sure they add this line. And

the price of your ticket includes a meal
at the old California Inn. Right,

Sarge. No, no, no. Let me look at that
sign. Where was I, Rock? You're working

on a newspaper ad, Sarge. Oh, yes.

All right, folks. Climb aboard one of
our luxurious land cruisers. You will

comfort... Hey, Sarge. How do you like
this sign?

It's okay, but add a line. Ride in air
-conditioned comfort. Put that in. Our

bus has no air conditioning. Yeah, wise
guy. What is this? Huh?

Hey,

Sarge. I thought of a wonderful slogan.

What is this?

You do the living while we do the
driving?

Maybe you do the living while I do the
driving? I'll work with you.

Such customers.

Come in, young ladies. You're next, I
believe.

Young man, I noticed the poster says
your tour visits the homes of the movie

stars. Well, of course we do.

Which movie stars?

Your favorite.

Clark Gable? Our bus goes right by his
swimming pool.

Mildred. Mildred. Why not?

We'll take two tickets. I think we have
to, Mr.

Marbella. Thank you very much. Two
tickets. There you are.

Oh, you two are devils. I'm going to
have to watch you two.

Nice to have you aboard.

Well,

we're off and running.

It's hot.

More customers.

Welcome to the Bill Goldberg stores.

Are you planning a trip to San
Francisco? I don't want to go. I don't

go. Now come.

Come here, little boy. Come here. Come
here, little boy.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome aboard to what I'm sure will be

most fruitful and exciting trip for all
of us. Please take advantage of our new

innovation, Skyview.

Very few buses can claim this
innovation.

Who are only too happy to serve you on
this trip? First, we have our driver,

Flip Papparelli. Mr. Papparelli, as you
probably know, is a member of the 4

million mile safety club.

In the rear, we have our steward.

Mr. Marbella, only too happy to serve
you refreshments, anything that might

satisfy the inner man or inner woman. I
am, of course, your guide. Please refer

to me as any. We're all acquainted. We
know each other. All right, Flip.

Let her go.

Yes, while our engineer is revving up
the giant motors, there's some

you probably would like to know. We will
be cruising at a land speed of 40 miles

an hour. Our ETA...

That's estimated time arrival.

We have our own little language. We'll
be in San Francisco at 11 o 'clock.

That's of course if we don't have too
many headwinds or an occasional cow in

road. I always like to inject a little
humor. We've had our little chuckle.

Take it away, Flip.

What kind of a bus is this?

What happened to the beautiful new bus
in the air?

If you want a picture of that bus, leave
your name and address with the steward,

Mr. Barbell, in the rear of the bus, if
you don't mind.

Oh, the little tyke is tired. He
probably didn't have his nap. Take a

nap, sonny. All right, folks.

We'll be off to San Francisco any moment
now.

It'll be worth it.

We're off to San Francisco. Mr.
Barbella, will you save the refreshment,

Here you are. Iced cold orange egg,
courtesy of Bilko's Tours.

25 cents a glass.

All right, folks. Step down. Come out.
We have a busy schedule.

Well, here it is.

Clark Gable's fabulous 10 ,000 acre
ranch. I don't say anything but offense.

Well, of course.

Clark's main house is 10 miles west of
here. However, he promised to ride down

and say hello. He should be here
about... By George, there he is now. Oh,

Clark Gable.

Is that you, Ernie? There you are, war
horse. Have you been?

It's him. It's him. It's Clark Gable.
Say, Clark, would you mind saying hello

some friends of yours out here?

I'm sorry, Ernie. I can't come out. I
got a bad cold. I wouldn't want any of

loyal fans... to catch him. We made the
whole trip for nothing. Oh, no, no, no.

Don't you fret. Just a minute. Oh,
Clark, would you mind shaking hands with

few attractive young ladies who are
dying to meet you? I reckon I can do

Ernie. Thank you, Clark.

There it is. Clark Gable's hand.

He's bestilling. Oh, his hand looks
exactly like it does in the movie. Oh,

imagine this. Oh, it falls back on the
muscle. Oh, dear.

He has to use that.

A soldier? Well, that's ridiculous.
Clark, is there a soldier back there?

that's me, Ernie. I just got off the set
and I'm still in costume. I dyed my

hair for this picture, Ernie. Oh, yes, I
read about it in the head of Hopper's

column. It's his latest picture, The
Fighting Blonde for Batan. All right,

folks, we'll go back on the bus. We have
a big day ahead of us. Here we go.

There's the kid.

Come on.

Here we go. Back on the bus.

everyone and here we are at the
historical indian village reservation of

famous watch the true indian tribe see
them in their natural habitat see them

work see them at play some village one
week one yes that's why we refer to them

as the vanishing american i'll see if
they're home oh chief that's indian for

the bus

How brave, Chief.

How, friend with many eyes.

Doesn't look like any Indians to me.

My son, you'll start another Indian
uprising.

Maybe Telfay's friends would like to
take pictures with Chief. Oh, that's

news. He's in a happy mood. He's willing
to take pictures with us. I'll take a

picture. Splendid. Malcolm, take a
picture with the man.

Fine. Oh, good. Did you get a good one?
Yes.

Splendid. That'll be a dollar, please. A
dollar? Yes, it's for the Washington

community chest.

You've heard their famous slogan.

Send this Indian boy to the city for the
summer. They take care of their own.

They're very considerate. Thank you. Is
he all there is to this tribe? Oh, good

heavens, no. The rest of them are in the
teepee preparing Princess Moonbeam for

their famous rain dance. I'll see if
they're ready.

Moogoo. Moogoo.

Moogoo. Moogoo.

Moogoo. Moogoo. Moogoo.

Moogoo.

It's a rather sad dance. As a matter of
fact, it's pitiful.

The rain,

they need so badly. How come the Indians
are wearing army shoes?

I felt the drop of rain. It's going to
pour any minute. Back in the bus,

everyone. Thank you, Wendy, and thank
you with the shoes that you didn't have.

Now we go to the world -famous old
Californian for a delicious dinner. Oh,

heaven. I'm just sorry. Goodie. Hey,
Sarge, a world -famous restaurant. Won't

that cost a lot of money? What world
-famous restaurant? It's a hash joint.

It's on Duncan Hines' dine here at your
own risk, Clint. What are you worried

about? Listen, Sarge, won't they
complain?

What's there to complain? It's a seven
-course dinner.

Hamburger, roll, salt, pepper, tea,
sugar, cream. They'll love it. Come on.

Where's Malcolm?

Now, where's the boy? Malcolm!

Malcolm! Where's the little... Get out
of here. Oh, go on. The bus is...

such a charming place. It was expensive,
Henri, but it'll be worth it. I'm

hoping to do a lot of business now that
that new army camp is opened up.

Oh, soldiers like good food.

And best of all, Philco's Deluxe Bus
Tours has selected the old California

as a dinner stop.

Tell me, Henri, do you think my price
is... Oh, on the contrary, monsieur,

seven dollars for a fine breakfast.

That's the bus now. Get everything
ready, Henri.

Oui, monsieur.

Good evening, folks. Come right in. Your
tables are ready.

Go right in, folks.

Make yourself at home. Go right in.

The minute they have their hamburgers,
you want to run back on the bus, you

understand? That doesn't give them time
to have sex.

Let me see, 60 or 70 cents a piece,
eight or nine dollars should cover it.

Ernie!

Those little extras that he didn't do
the profit. Ernie!

What? What is it? What? Look at this
place and look at these prices.

Is there something wrong? Is this the
old California Inn? That's why. Well,

that's what's wrong. I distinctly said
the old Caledonia Inn.

I'm starving.

Don't eat that, son. It'll spoil your
hamburger. All right, folks. Come back

here. Now, look. Your aunt said dinner
at the old California Inn, and that's

what we're entitled to. Right.

They're right, Ernie. Don't tell me
they're right. I know. I'll have a thick

filet mignon.

I want the frog's legs and the monkey.
And I'll have the roast beef.

Roast duck and cheese who played with
me.

And what would you like, monsieur?

Separate checks.

I wouldn't eat another grape, is that,
if I tried?

Beats me how Bilko does it. A bus trip,
a tour, and a magnificent meal for $15

.95 round trip.

Here's your check, monsieur.

I merely stepped on the bus to get my
wallet and accidentally stepped on a

starter. Sure, sure.

All right, give me that bill.

$97? Well, that's reasonable. Are you a
member of the Diners Club? Yes, we are.

Have you an application blank I'd like
to join? You'll have to pay cash.

Well,

there goes all the profits.

$10, $20, $30. Come on, come on. Please,
I'm parting with old friends here. $40,

$50, $60, $70, $80. 90, 95. You got $2.
Don't stand there. $2. Quickly.

There you are. $97. All right. What
about the waiter?

Waiter? Why? What did he eat?

Well, how do we stand, Ernie?

Let's see. We lost $375 on the bus, $40
on advertising, $12 on the Indian

Village, $97 for the dinner, and $180 in
fines.

Wow, what a beanie.

Well, it's all deductible.

Deductible? From what?

From next year's salary.

That's the slogan we should have used.

Take the bus and leave the bankruptcy to
us.

We never even got to San Francisco.

We'll get to San Francisco someday.

Oh, sure. When our hitch is up, we'll
enlist in the Navy.

Bilko. Yes, sir?

At ease. Bilko, I have a request to make
of you.

Sergeant Covington of Company B has been
taken ill, and I'd like you to take

over his platoon.

We don't know how long he'll be gone.

He picked up some strange bug that
affected his throat, a laryngitis.

We had to send him to the hospital in
San Francisco for diagnosis.

I hope you don't mind the extra duty,
Belko. Oh, not at all, sir.

Belko, what's the matter with your
voice?

My voice?

I don't know.

Bill, how long has he been this way? Oh,
two or three days, sir.

Here, sir, I'll call the medic. Yes,
sir, right away, sir. I guess we'll need

big ambulance for all of us to go to San
Francisco, sir.

Yes, I want one right away.

We'll get to San Francisco after all.
Yeah, but you can talk up outside. He's

gone.

Can I drink so much of my throat?

I'm a sick man.