All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e02 Bilkos Vampire

Hey, Sarge, I bought the coffee. Will
you, Greenwald? Will you?

All right, Rupert.

What do you got?

Two packings up. Hold that.

Three queens.

Oh.

Don't worry, Rupert. You can't win them
all.

That's right, Philco. I won a hand just
two months ago.

Come on, Vincent. You're holding up the
game. Here we go.

Francis, do you know what time it is?

Oh, Michael, it's almost 11 o 'clock.
We've got to get out of here. Wait a

minute. Where are you guys going?

We've got a date. A date?

The game is just getting exciting.

There's plenty of excitement where we're
going half -rattling. You're not

kidding. Come on. Wait a minute. This is
the third game you've broken up at 11 o

'clock. Now, where are you guys going?

Should we tell him, Francis? Oh, he
wouldn't understand.

He wouldn't understand.

Come on. Well,

I guess that's about it for tonight. How
about a little pinochle? Spit the

ocean? Lift the button?

There's another even shot.

How'd we do?

I figure about four bucks in. Chicken
feed.

Tell me that Grover and Ritzik are up to
something.

But what?

Well, it's no big secret, Ernie. You
heard what Rupert said. They have a

That's right, Ernie. A date?

I feel sorry for Emma. Poor woman.

Oh, that Ritzig is a louse.

It's wrong, huh, Sarge? Oh, it's a
married man sneaking off every night

his hard -earned money on some strange
woman when he should be losing it to an

old buddy.

Emma! Who's talking about her? If we
blow a steady loser like Ritzig, we're

of business.

Emma! Forgive me, Ernie. I forgot how
deeply you feel about money.

Why don't you go up to Ritz and say, if
you don't give up this romance and come

back to the poker game, you're going to
tell everything to M .N. and ruin his

life.

Rocco, that is the most underhanded idea
I ever heard of.

I'm ashamed.

Well, I was... I'm ashamed that I didn't
think of it.

I'm afraid to look at this picture. I'm
going to get scared. How do you know?

I've seen it twice already.

That girl happens to be 600 years old.
She don't look it. They must be using a

heavy makeup.

Yeah. You see that move I was with her?
Yeah. That's her brother. Her brother?

They sure don't look alike.

Yeah. Just wait till she smiles.

Look. They're making a full panzer.
Yeah.

If I told you once, I told you a
thousand times, stop watching these

pictures.

Hey, don't turn that off. It's just
starting to get exciting. Oh, is it?

just too bad. Well, the neighbors think
when they hear shrieks and yells coming

out of this house. Do you want them to
think we're having a fight, you stupid

idiot?

Should be through in about three or four
hours.

I would like you to tell me something
just once and for all. Why would you

rather watch a stupid movie instead of
spending a few hours with your own wife?

Well, I'll tell you why. Because in this
picture, the heroine is a woman who

looks just like you.

Then what do you have to look at her for
when you can look at me?

Because in the picture, the woman gets
buried alive.

Oh!

No, no, don't go yet, Frank. I think I'd
better. I'm tired. Besides, I want to

get out of here before the MPs come.

Now, look what you did. You embarrassed
me in front of my friends. I won't have

you watching street theater in this
house anymore. Do you understand that?

have more feeling for that vampire than
you do for your own wife. Emma, you're

100 % right.

Oh, I am? Good, then I'll just tell the
whole neighborhood.

Listen, everybody. My husband is crazy
about a vampire.

Why don't you stop? Let me have it,
Emma.

Please, you're not going to break up
this happy home on account of one little

silly escapade. Believe me, this other
woman is just a passing fancy.

In the first place, every night for
three weeks is no passing fancy. And in

second place, who sent for you, big
mouth?

Look, you see, I'm going to give her a
clap right in the kitchen.

Come on, come on.

Emma,

Emma, Emma, dear, please, Emma, try to
be understanding. This means nothing.

These silly things he's doing, he's just
trying to hold on to his youth. Believe

me, it'll all pass.

That's what I thought when he did
nothing but watch cowboy pictures. Now

hot. Horror pictures every night at 11 o
'clock at Shriek Theater.

Shriek Theater?

You want shrieks, Rupert? I'll give you
shrieks.

You know, Cook, I'm starting to worry
about Emma. I always knew she was a nut,

but now she's starting to get neurotic.

You left a perfectly good poker game for
a horror picture, and she's a nut?

Well... I can't help it. Now you know.
I'm crazy about horror pictures. I'm

fascinated by the supernatural
phenomenon.

I understand. Well... Oh, no, no. I've
got to see the end of this picture.

Hey, you want to watch, Biffo?

No, no. No, you watch it.

Enjoy yourself while you can.

You never know how long Street Theater
will be on the air.

There's a Mr.

J. Malcolm Bilko to see you, sir. He
says he's the chairman of the CCABT. The

what? The Citizens Committee for the
Advancement and Betterment of

Never heard of them. He says they have
an award for you.

Send them in.

Back this way, gentlemen.

Oh, thank you. Mr. Hawkins, I'm J.
Malcolm Bilko, and may I present my

associate, Spencer Harrison Barbella,
legal counsel for the CCABT. I've heard

great deal about your organization.
Well, listen, that's... May I have a

citation, please?

I think you'll like this.

This citation is presented to J .L.
Hawkins, under whose expert guidance

KNAC -TV has set an example of creative
programming unmatched in local

television history. May I say my job was
made easier by... I'm not through yet.

There's more.

For your program, the Grove City Night
School of the Air, with its exciting

courses in ceramics, taxidermy, and
taffy pulling, the CCABT is deeply

to present to you its most coveted
award.

You make sure that all the leading news
agencies get a copy of that. Thank you.

Oh, no, no.

It's we who should thank you. Could I
get another picture? Oh, yes. Just one

more. You alone representing the hope of
the industry gazing into the future of

television.

You mean like this? Oh, that's... Did
you get that? Oh, yes. That's the way

William Paley must have looked when he
discovered CBS.

Now, I thought that... All right.

You've taken the picture.

Thank you.

You were very kind.

Oh, I only wish that the other stations
could follow your example and stop

throwing cheap programs such as the
Shriek Theater and other such trash.

But my station carries Shriek Theater.
They do a grand job. If they had your

integrity, your showmanship, you'd carry
Shriek Theater on your station. Yes.

Destroy that film.

But we haven't had a single complaint.
Sir, I insist that you cancel St. Peter

or else you'll be held in contempt of
the CCABT. But it's our most popular

program, fully sponsored.

These rewards mean nothing to you.
That's not true, Mr. Bilko.

I can't tell you how proud I am of this
symbol of achievement.

And I... Third prize, Roseland Rumba
Contest, 19... Take all

right. Get out, Bilko.

Very well, but you haven't heard the
last of this.

Stupid, you couldn't get a statue
without writing on it? Get out!

Everything's all set.

Good, 49 o 'clock. That means we'll have
Ritchick in the game at least till 11 o

'clock. Maybe he can take his money fast
enough.

Oh, no.

Ritchick has his own way of losing. He
can't monkey with his stupidity.

Where is he? Rocker should have had him
here already.

With your relaxer, any rocker's been
sticking close to him all day. Where is

I got bad news, Arnie.

Bad...

And I got to him first, huh? No. He's
home watching Shriek Theater. Shriek

Theater? That don't stop till 11 o
'clock. Not tonight. Tonight they got a

double feature.

You like my luck? Wait, look. Rittick's
only one man. We still have players.

Are you kidding? Nobody will show up.
Rittick is the only guy they can beat.

Are you kidding?

A poker game without Rittick is like a
Polish regime without girls.

What?

I got it! What?

Rittick isn't playing poker because he's
home watching the horror movies, right?

Right. Then what we've got to do is make
him stop watching television, right?

Right. So?

Well, that's all I've figured out so
far.

I'm worried about you, Rocco. You used
to have a fine third -rate mind. What

happened? Look, Ernie, Ritzig's just
going through a phase. Yeah, it's all

It's called bankruptcy.

You remember with the Westons, he
thought he was a cowboy. Yeah, yeah.

mystery shows, he thought he was a
private eye.

Well, in a couple of weeks... Hey, hey,
shh, shh.

He's getting a big idea.

Look, he's concentrating so hard, his
face is beginning to glow. Stand back.

may be radioactive.

I got it!

What, what?

Rupert will be back in this plug again
tomorrow night. What are you going to

What am I going to do? You just said it.
When he watched the cowboy pictures, he

thought it was the cowboys. Now he's
watching horror pictures, right?

By tomorrow night, I'm going to convince
him that he's turning into a vampire.

Where are you going, Sarge?

I'm going to go on the future count
meeting.

Who?

Who is it?

Oh,

come on, quick.

Listen up.

It's the idea of the rifle.

I'm watching a horror picture. I'm a
little jittery. Oh, not a bad idea.

What's that smell?

Oh, garlic.

Garlic? Yeah. I got them hung around
every window. That's the only way to

them out. Keep who out?

Vampires. Now, if you don't have any
more stupid questions, I'd like to watch

this movie.

Can't hear anything.

Well, I got the sound turned off. I
don't want it to wake up.

Creature from the other room.

That chap, biting the girl on the neck,
is that a vampire?

No, it's Sal Mineo.

What kind of question is that?

Very, very interesting subject,
vampires. I'm reading this book right

this Professor Willem Stupnik of the
University of Transylvania in Hungary.

Transylvania? Oh, do you know of it? Are
you kidding? It's the capital of the

vampire world.

Very, very interesting case history in
the book. It's about this man who became

a vampire without having gotten bitten
on the neck.

Impossible. What do you mean?

I know all about vampires.

Without those two bite marks on the
neck, you're nowhere.

Well, Professor Stutner clearly states
that a man can become a vampire through

osmosis. That is, if he has latent
tendencies.

That sounds highly plausible.

What does it mean?

You watch a lot of horror pictures,
right? Sure. And you spend a great deal

thought on vampires and their habits?

Yeah. Well, with this abnormal interest,
it's possible if you have latent

tendencies, they can be aroused.

Well, that is, if your folks come from
Hungary instead of Poland.

I was not... What's the matter?

Well, my folks come from Hungary.

They do?

Oh, nothing to worry about. As long as
they don't come from Dracula's hometown.

Well, my grandparents were born in
Grotwick.

Grotwick? Yes.

It's a small world, isn't it?

Wilco, you don't think that it's
possible that I... Oh, no.

Let me look at your teeth.

Say, you have a nice head of teeth.
Especially these two. Come on.

I don't know.

Well, as long as they're not growing,
well... Maybe, maybe I should see a

or a veterinarian. Now, calm down.

First of all, you know, you start
imagining that you have hairy, coarse

like a werewolf. But I do.

Let me look at your paw.

I mean your hand. What made me say paw?

See, your hair is coarse. And it is
stiff, isn't it?

Oh, they're being silly. Come on, get a
good night's sleep. Forget about the

whole thing. It's easy for you to say.
Oh, you should have no trouble sleeping.

There's no full moon.

Good night, kid.

What am I going to do?

I don't know.

I'll read the rest of the book and I'll
see what the professor's book next says.

Good night.

Somebody's at the window. Who could that
be?

Ritz, what are you doing out there?
Look, can I talk to you? Come on in.

What are you coming this way for? Why
don't you use the door?

Bilko, I've got to talk to you alone.

All right, fellas, leave us alone, will
you?

Okay, we're alone. What is it?

Look, I'm in trouble. You've got to help
me. We didn't catch it in time. Catch

what in time? Well, I set up all night,
and I was watching my nails grow.

Oh, come on. That's ridiculous, Rupert.
No, it isn't. I finally fell asleep five

o 'clock this morning, and when I woke
up, my fingers were around Emma's

And that's a bad sign, Bilko. I haven't
done that in weeks.

You've got to help me.

You've got to help me.

I'm telling you, we caught it inside.

Sit down, play a little poker, relax
your mind.

No, no, I can't do it. I can't trust
myself.

What do you mean?

Well, all the guys are my buddies. What
happens if in the middle of a game I

happen to get thirsty or something?

What do you mean? Well, you know what I
mean.

Oh,

would I lie to you? You're all right,
Rupert. Play a little poker, forget it.

No, no, my gambling career is over. From
now on, I've got to stay by myself.

Rupert, don't say that. I've got to, for
your sake.

For my sake. Look, Rupert.

Am I your buddy? Yes. I wouldn't give
you a bum steer, would I? Of course not.

I'm telling you, you're definitely all
right. I was reading Professor Stupnik's

book the other... You remember Professor
Stupnik?

I'll never forget him as long as I live.
Or afterwards, for that matter.

Professor Stupnik definitely said
there's only one way you can tell

you're a full -fledged vampire or not.

How's that?

You take a blood test.

Yes. They analyze your blood, and if
there's no bat's blood in it, you're

Should I take one? Yes. Go over to the
infirmary.

Tell him you want a blood test. Tell him
you're anemic or something. All right?

All right. Wait, wait. I better go this
way. We'll go this way.

Why this way? Well, in case I start to
fly, I don't want to scare the men.

On his best day.

No, no, no, no. She never had your
class.

Fly. Go ahead.

Don't bother anybody.

Did you hear?

We shot them.

It was not beautiful.

Give me all right. Oh, sure. They're
just going to give him a blood test, not

IQ test.

No game tonight, all right? Not tonight.

Let's take it a movie. What do you say?
What's playing at the Post Theater? The

Grave of Frankenstein. Oh, I don't know
for that. None of that.

What's at the... Let me see. The arcade
in Grove City is playing The Mummy's

Hand. These horror pictures, you can't
get away from them. Hey, how about that

little art theater that shows foreign
films? Oh, yeah. Sometimes there's a

friend somewhere.

Hmm.

The werewolf of Paris.

I'm telling you, it's getting so that
you can't see a good, wholesome gangster

picture anymore.

Here's an item right here. Some
producers in Hollywood offered a fortune

new unknown horror star for their
Dracula series.

Get this.

The Kruger brothers of Hollywood today
launched a talent hunt for a new screen

monster. The lucky actor will be
rewarded with a $100 ,000 a year

Hey, Ernie, what are we going to do?

$100 ,000, only a seven -year with
Dumson.

We got it. We found the star of the
monster. We got him. Who?

That's it. That's whom?

That's not a real vampire.

But he thinks he is. That's half the
battle, don't you understand? I've got

convinced. I take him down.

Why? Why?

The blood test.

So? The manalizer blood test. He'll find
out it's normal and there goes our trip

to Hollywood.

I've got to fix that blood test.

Come on. Where are we going? We're going
to a taxidermist and get some bats'

blood. At a taxidermist? No, at a
supermarket.

Where else? Come on.

Quiet.

to you for a moment, sir. Oh, why, of
course, doctor, but I'll tell you right

now, I've never felt better in my life.

That's fine.

You look a little pale, doctor. Would
you like me to take your temperature?

Sir, do you know a man by the name of
Sergeant Rupert Ritzig? Of course, he's

our mess sergeant. Why, is there
anything wrong with him?

I don't know.

I don't understand.

Well, I gave Ritzig a blood test
yesterday, and I've just finished the

and... Come, come, doctor. What are you
driving at?

Here's the report.

Doctor, I don't see why I always have to
be bothered with these petty details.

Bats blood?

Sergeant Ritzig?

Yes, sir. 100 % bats blood.

I don't understand.

Are you sure you didn't make a mistake?
No, sir. I double -checked the test.

It's bats blood, all right.

This is terrible.

If it's any consolation to you, Sergeant
Ritzig, it's a very healthy bat.

I'm afraid this is your decision, sir. I
suppose you'll have to report it to

headquarters.

I always get this kind of a decision.

Other colonels play golf, file a report
once in a while, but not me.

I've got to call the Pentagon and say,
Good morning, General.

I've just discovered that my mess
sergeant has bat's blood.

Captain, how long have you been a
doctor?

Fifteen years.

All right. But if this is a mistake on
your part, I'll have you broken down to

an intern.

Oh, I see you're busy, sir. Oh, Bilko,
you'd better hear this.

Tell him, Doctor.

Bilko, do you know a man by the name of
Sergeant Ritzig? I know him very well.

He's our mess sergeant, sir. What about
him? Well, I ran a blood test on him,

and it shows that he has 100 % bat's
blood.

Sir, if this is your idea of a joke, I'm
quite busy, and I... It's no joke,

Bilko. But, sir, I know Miss Sergeant
Ritzig very well, and I can assure you

he's definitely not a vampire. I'm not
saying he is. You're not saying he

I don't know.

Well, it's all too ridiculous.

I know that he is, and if there's one
thing he's not, it's...

Oh, my God.

What's the matter, Bilbo?

Nothing, sir, nothing. Bilbo, you know
something.

Now, I order you to tell us.

All right, sir.

Well, you know how the men have a habit
of horse -playing around at the day

room? We clown around a lot. Well, that
Sergeant Ritzig has this habit of

nipping at the men's necks.

We were playing a harmless game of
points, and I challenged him at a

he got furious, and he... Well, you can
see the two black marks there, sir.

Oh, heavens.

It's not possible.

There are no vampires in this day and
age. Sir, there's always the rare case I

must sing along with Captain Masters on
this.

One vampire in an army of a million men
and I had to get him.

He didn't join the Air Force where he
belonged.

If you don't mind, I'd like to be
excused so I could lie down for a while.

Very well, but remember, not a word of
this to anybody until I decide what to

do. Yes, sir.

You'd better leave too, Bill. No, never.

Desert my colonel in a moment of crisis?
I should say not, sir. I have an idea.

In a spot like this, I'll take any way
out. Even a revolver with one bullet

in it? No, it won't be anything that
drastic, sir.

However, what is the pending I'm going
to think when they read your report,

What's your plan, Bilko? Well, sir, I
don't wish to cast any aspersions on

Captain Masters, but I think he's wrong,
sir. And I think you ought to hold back

your report until Ritzik and I return
from the Cedars of Lebanon Hospital in

Hollywood and so we can clear up this
mystery once and for all. Thanks, Bilko.

You have my permission.

Thank you, sir. Bilko, sir.

Be careful.

Don't let him nip you on the neck.

Sir,

I'll call you immediately from the
studio.

Uh, the hospital.

Who?

Bilko? I don't know any Bilko.

You know, I tell you, Frank, I think if
we... Gentlemen, congratulations.

The search is over. The star of the new
Dracula series is here.

Sorry, you're not the type.

Not hairy enough.

Oh, come on.

His name is Bilko.

The star you've been searching for is
waiting outside.

He was agent?

Not quite.

I'm his keeper.

What? This is no ordinary actor. This is
a real vampire.

Look, wise guy. Before you say anything,
just read this medical report.

Oh, you try to... Just read it, I tell
you.

100 % bat splash?

Still a panic in the streets. Real
vampire. It's horrible.

Revolting. It could gross five million
dollars. Is he dead?

I'm with him, but my services do come
high. Well, do you sign him?

Well, we'd like to see him first. Well,
of course.

Well, let me caution you. No sudden
quick moves, because you never know.

careful. With a great deal of pride, I
present Count Ruben Ritzig of

Transylvania.

$100 ,000 a year for him. You got it.

$50 ,000 a year for me.

Now, wait a minute, Pilko. What do you
want, blood?

And another thing I must caution you.
You remember.

He shoots only at night. Why?

Well, he sleeps during the daytime. You
should know that. There's just one thing

that worries me. What's that?

How much blood does he need a day?

Oh, a pint, a pint and a half on a hot
day.

What do you think? It's a deal, Bill
Cole. Now, if you'll just sign these

contracts. All right. Always want to do
business with a big firm.

Eddie, this is going to be the greatest
thing that ever hit the screen.

It'll be sensational.

And for his personal appearances, we'll
put him in a cage. A cage?

I think that part would better take the
kids from him.

Maybe we'll put him in shame. I've got a
great idea for a publicity stunt. Yeah?

Now, right after he finishes his first
picture, he breaks out of the cage.

you see those headlines?

Vampire at large. Then we have pussies
hunting him down.

Let's get over the publicity and start
the ball rolling.

That's it, Rupert. We got it made. Do
you know what this means?

A home in Beverly Hills with a swimming
pool. Weekends in Palm Springs.

Yeah, Bilko, yeah.

You don't sound excited.

Well, did you hear what they said? Sure,
I heard what they said. $100 ,000 a

year. Yeah, but how about the rest of
it? Chained up in a cage. Guys hunting

with rifles.

Me scaring kids.

Rupert, $100 ,000.

I don't care about the money. All I want
is enough money to get the vampire

cure. Me scaring kids.

I like kids.

They like me.

But if you say so.

I'll do it.

You gave me a quick brain, a nimble
tongue.

Who needed a conscience?

This is wonderful if it's true. Oh, it's
true, all right, sir. I had Riddick

take two blood tests at the Cedars
-Eleven in the hospital. And then to

sure when we returned here, Captain
Masters gave him another blood test.

sir, he's as normal as you and I. That's
wonderful. Where is he now? Oh, he's at

the infirmary, sir.

What's wrong with him? Oh, nothing
serious, sir. Just a little weak from a

of blood.