Original subtitles

Hello,

hello, hello!

The crazy American is here.

Bonsoir, sergeant.

Bonsoir, madame. Oh, would that put the pay excuse.

Oh, bonsoir, my chérie. Oh, how did the Polish brigier let you get away?

Pardon, suite de jolie. I'm so sorry. Again, there is nothing to eat tonight.

All I have is soup made from potato peels. Oh, again, soup from potato

huh? Why don't you add these? It might give it a little spice.

Oh, moi, chérie. Oh, maman.

Bread and salami.

a minute. My Cherie, I didn't forget you.

A box of snuff.

Oh, take it easy, Cherie. Remember, you may have to drive.

It was a blessing when they let you here.

Where did you get all these wonderful things?

Oh, that's a military secret. I'll tell you after the war.

Oh,

my petite mignon. Why aren't you in bed? What are you doing up so late?

Bet you thought I forgot you, huh? Close your eyes. Close your eyes.

Ah, what?

Bubbles. No, no. You mean you blow bubbles. Speak real American.

Bubbles. Ah, oui, bubbles.

No, no. Listen to me now.

Bub. Bub.

Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles.

Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles.

Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles.

Bubbles. Bubbles.

Bubbles.

And my Papa Virgo will show me everything in America.

She'll be in Memphis. All right, come on, off the bed. Off the bed. Please.

sing to me.

What am I going to do with it?

Okay, one song, then it's off the bed, okay?

And remember, don't fool around. Sit down.

Let me see. Song, song, song.

All right.

Hello,

Helen?

Who is this?

This is Ernie Bilko, you lucky girl. Look, Helen, I'm here with some of the

boys. We figure you get some of your friends, meet us, we'll hit the high

together. What do you say, Helen? Baby!

What?

Pearlie Johnson?

Well, look, Helen... Helen!

He hung up.

Has she got a date with Pearlie Johnson?

No, but she's afraid to budge out of the house in case he calls.

What do we call next, Sarge? Look, pal, there is no next. We've run out of

girls. Gee, if we could only get Pearlie Johnson transferred to our outfit, he'd

get us all the girls we want. Yeah, I'd settle for his reject.

Stop dreaming, you guys. You know Pearlie Johnson's in Grover's platoon,

Grover ain't gonna let go of a good thing.

That's not the end of it. There must be some other girl somewhere, someplace.

There's other states but Kansas, you know. Oh, Ernie, give up. Let's go

Bowling? On a Saturday night? Is this why you joined the army, to go bowling?

If you're asking for a date, the answer's no. No? Why?

I'm holding out for Pearlie Johnson. That's why.

Pearlie Johnson. I tell you, it's a monopoly.

Let's get out.

Well, it ain't my old buddy Grover and Pearlie Johnson and the lovely ladies. I

don't think I caught their names. I didn't throw them.

Funny, though. He came back at me. He didn't throw them. Funny. He is funny.

Oh, we're having a lot of fun. Why don't you join our party?

Party? I've seen better parties than the isolation ward. Look, Bilko, stop

trying to mooch in on me and Pearlie.

Where would you like to sit, Pearlie? Any place at all.

Pearlie!

Want to go bowling?

It's a lot of fun.

Pearlie, here's your stick, just the way you like it.

Well, I can tell by looking at it, it's too rare.

Well, all right. All right, I'll take it.

Don't touch it. I'll kill that cook. You're going to get it just the way you

like it. All right. Now, look, I'll be right back. But in the meantime, play

your high five. Huh, Pearlie? Pearlie? Pearlie?

Hi, Pearlie, buddy boy. How's everything?

How are you treating you?

Stuffy in here, isn't it? Yeah. This barracks always had a bad exposure.

No sun. Oh, I can't really kick it.

Yeah? How's food?

Never could lick the tent. The tent? How do you be embarrassed? I'll tell you, I

don't really mind because Grover got me an electric blanket.

Oh, look, I'd be careful if I work in this barracks. The wiring is very

Oh, now, look, Vilko, everything is fine.

I like the quarters. The food is good. And the wine.

How's the wine?

The wine?

Oh, you're kidding. No.

How do you like this? Grover doesn't give him wine with his meals.

Hmm. Are they exploiting you? Too bad you're not over at our platoon. We just

got a new shipment.

Chevrolet 1947.

And may I add, that is a very amusing little wine.

Speaking of wine.

Why don't they make this a wine cellar? They never could lick the dampest. Look,

Bilko, I'm happy here. Now, what would I want to transfer to your platoon for?

Transfer? Say, I would never think of breaking up this happy little

you have here.

Well, get a load of this gallery. Wow.

Hey, Parley, who's this?

Miss Pensacola, 1956.

Boy, did I have a tough job losing her.

Where did you lose her?

Hey,

see this? You read that?

for Championship Mambo Dancing 1955.

You dance, too, huh? A little bit. I mean, you name it, the way we go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, look, Pearlie, I'll tell you what I wanted to see about that. You know Pop

really is? Oh, yeah. Everybody likes Dino. He's one of the nice... All right.

He's all right. All right.

He's got a 24 -hour pass, and he's going to a dance, and he hasn't got a date.

Can you help him? Oh, I don't know. It doesn't have to be a beauty contest

winner. No, I'll take a loser.

A fellow soldier in need. You know, he may be shipped out any minute. Look,

begging you. He's begging you.

Okay,

but don't you let Grover find out about this. Out of the way.

Help yourself.

I'll handle that. This is precious. The book. The book. The golden treasury.

Let me see. How do you like this? He's got it indexed, cross -filed.

He's got a page for blondes, brunettes, redhead.

He's even got a page for crew cuts.

You are an operator.

What do you want? A girl. A blonde.

A blonde. How tall? 5 '2". 5 '2". Blonde, blonde. In the 5 '2 area.

Turn to page 14.

Oh, you're a master.

This is perfect for you. Blonde, 5 '2". Dental.

Turned up nose. Has sports car.

I'll take it. I'll take it. Get out of here. What are you screaming? I warned

you, Bilko, to stay away from Pearlie. He's mine.

I'm sorry, Pearlie. I didn't have a steak good enough for you, so I'm going

take you into town and buy you the best. How do you like this? This obviously

doesn't know the right people and couldn't even get you a decent steak.

listen, you want steak? You want chops? You want duck? You want roast pheasant?

Guinea? Let's get out of here.

I'm warning you, Belko. Stay away from Pearlie. Look, Pearlie, use your head.

Come over to our platoon. You'll be comfortable. We've got wall -to -wall

carpeting, comfy and quiet. My God, what did you forget about me? Sarge Grover

will never let him go. No, I'll never let up on you. We've got to have Pearlie

Johnson in our platoon. Did you see that address book? And that was only volume

one. Yeah, but how, Ernie? How are we going to get him?

to treat it like war.

Pearly Johnson is our objective and Grover is our enemy. Now, we find out

enemy's weakness and we exploit it. Now, what is our enemy's weakness?

Corporal Barbella, you will prepare my eye shade and the playing cards and the

sandpaper and please don't touch me from this point on. I'm sterile.

I don't think it hasn't been fun. Well, boys, let's get some sleep. Huh?

You're not running out on me, Bill. You've got to give me a chance to get my

money back. Well, of course, but you haven't any money. I'll put up my watch.

Watch? I've got a watch.

In heaven. Look at the time. Come on, let's get out of here. How about the

camera I got in Germany?

Oh, you got one of those, too. Wonderful mechanisms, those new built -in light

meters, aren't they?

Oh, I am sleepy. Come on, let's get some nice luck.

I'll put up my proudest possession, the Japanese sword I captured from New

General. You only got one of those? I'll send you over four. You can cross them

on the water.

Wilco, listen.

What? Look, I tell you, I'm not going to repeat it again, Pearly. I mean,

Grover, you got nothing I want.

Absolutely nothing I want. I'll forget it. Get some sleep.

Oh, one more thing.

I borrowed a dollar today from that guy in your platoon. What's his name?

Pearlie Johnson?

Yeah, would you give him the dollar? His name is Pearlie. Pearlie Johnson. He's

in your platoon. You know the guy I mean. Pearlie Johnson.

Pearlie Johnson!

Vilco! Vilco!

Vilco!

Come on, Pearlie. We'll start with you. Gee, Pearlie, I hope I can remember

everything. Just concentrate on the problem, huh?

All right, now, you're in a strange town, dance hall.

You don't know a soul, but you'd like to dance with the most beautiful girl in

the place, huh?

Now, when she comes walking by, you do what I told you, all right?

Okay, gentlemen.

Wait a minute. You're not leaving. I beg your pardon? We haven't been

introduced.

Is the bee introduced to the flower?

Is the ocean introduced to the shore?

Is the nightingale introduced to the rock?

All right, stop that.

What's going on here? Is this the Lonely Hearts Club? Is there still a motor

pool and there's work to be done?

Not you, girl.

I'm ready for my lesson.

Where did we leave off last time? Let me see. I was just taking the girl home.

We're on the porch. I said, good night. What do I do next?

There's some girls, you take them home, you got them on the porch, boom, right

into your arm.

Genius. Genius.

Oh, and then there's the shy, naive kind.

Oh, those are the murderers. What do you do with that? Well, with that kind, I

usually use the something in the eye routine.

Something in the eye?

What's that? Well, that kind, you take them home and you act like the last

in the world you want to do is kiss them. Oh, tricky.

Slight. Now,

you're shaking hands like a big brother. You're saying goodnight, just as you're

telling them what a lovely evening you had. Ooh, ooh, I got something in my

Oh, I get it. Then she takes out a little handkerchief. She starts to get

of your eye. The faces are getting closer. Oh, by seeing her, you're

kissing and hugging.

It's an artist.

Bow. Bow to an artist.

Where are those papers from the Corps Master Corps?

They're on the file cabinet. I'll get them for you. Oh, never mind. I'll get

them.

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Oh, hello.

What can I do for you?

I am looking for a soldier.

We've got lots of soldiers around here. What's his name?

Papa Bilko.

Papa Bilko?

I thought I was from France to see him. I did not see him since I was a little

girl.

Papa Ernie Bilko?

Oui.

Oh, there you are, my industrious beauties. Yeah, Johnny, here's the

report, and I must say, your little jokes get a chuckle out of me. Well, I'm

glad, because here's something that ought to give you a big laugh.

Come on in, honey.

She's a spy, sir. If you'll search her, you'll find cameras, sir.

Oh, come on. Knock off that phony accent, sir. We have to be careful. The

foreign powers are sending them over younger every day, sir. Milko, shame on

you. Denying your responsibility as a father. You monster. You could at least

have told me.

Told you what?

Oh,

please. Don't you see? They divide and conquer.

They... Mignon?

You? Little Mignon de...

It's good to see you. How's Mama?

Mama!

Good thing you found out in time. Oh, wait a minute. You got this all wrong.

Look, look, look. There's a misunderstanding.

She says Papa Bilko. She don't mean Papa Bilko. In France, it's different.

She means Papa Bilko.

I don't know. It loses something in the translation.

So believe me. Honey, explain.

Oh, oui, bien sûr.

Mademoiselle, you must understand about Papa Bilko. Papa Bilko! Will you listen?

No, no.

He's not really my Papa.

He is not? No, listen.

It is a, how do you say, just a... A time of endearment. You see, during the

war, I was billeted by Alphonse. He was a little baby.

And every night, he'd have me best time stories, and he'd sing to me. Remember

Papa Blanco? How could I forget?

Oh, Claudine Dardoux!

Take Mignon over to the Ritzix. I want to arrange a welcome party tonight.

I want the boys from the platoon to meet her. You want all the boys to meet

Mignon? Sure.

But I would love to meet the boys.

And you will.

What's the matter with you? What? What did I say wrong?

All right, boss. Don't move it. Walk, walk.

That's just only a child. Why do you expect there's some... I

have grown up. I've been good.

Yeah, I didn't figure on that. Look, honey, pick this up. It's not heavy.

her over to Ritz's, and I'll join you there later. Where are you going? I want

to go downtown and get us some clothes. Oh, Papa Bill, go, but I still have lots

of clothes. Look, you do what I say, Papa Bill's going to know the best. Come

on, run along. Take her with you.

The PX is that way. Move.

Look, darling.

What? Oh, ha.

Now you look lovely. See, that dress looks like it was made to order for you.

Papa, are you sure this is the style they wear in America now? It's the very

latest thing. That's what every debutante is wearing.

Oh, but in France... France, France. She's so loyal to Christian Dior.

Honey, that'd be... What's this?

Lipstick?

No, no girls in America wear lipstick. It's not Camille Fall. Not really,

Would you please, would you just take her inside, get rid of the lipstick and

the rouge? Let's get her that well -scrubbed youthful look. Ernie, you're

overdoing it. Do what I say. You're overdoing it. You come with me, honey.

I'll give you that well -scrubbed look.

Hey, Ernie, how do you like this cake? I thought the kid might get a kick out of

it. Oh, nice, nice.

Well, I wanted to make him feel at home, so I wrote something in French on it.

Oh, that's swell. What does it say?

I don't know.

I cut it off and got an imported onion soup.

Well, it's yours, Ernie. Say, Ernie, I don't get it. You were in France 13

ago. Now, if this kid is as young as you say she is, she wasn't even born then.

Oh, wait a minute, Ritzig. Aren't you forgetting one important thing?

There's six hours difference between the United States and France.

And six hours a day for 13 years.

That can make a big difference in somebody's age, huh?

Oh, oh. I get it now. Watch these things.

Hey, Sarge.

Here's the little girl from France.

She's all excited.

It's way past her bedtime. I'm letting her stay up an hour later so she can

you fellas.

Hey, what's this?

We chipped in to buy the kid a present, Sarge.

We hope she'll like it. A petty fare. Hey, that is... That's the cuddliest one

could find, Frank. I shouldn't have thought of it, but it is cute.

Pearlie, what are you doing here? I thought you had a date in town.

Oh, I just thought I'd come in and say hello. I can still make the date. No,

it's all right. Go right on. Keep your kids.

She won't know the difference. You know, all grown -ups look alike. Just say

hello. No, she'll probably be asleep before the ice cream and cake is served.

You know, she's all tucking out. It's been a long trip. Now, children, now,

don't... Mignon!

My name is Pearlie Johnson.

Thank you very much, Pearlie. I had a lovely time. Don't mention it. I had a

good time, too.

Well, good night. Hope to see you again.

What's the matter?

I got something in my eye.

The bank has something in his eye. Get him to the dispensary at once.

Don't you worry, my dear. He'll get the best of medical attention quickly before

it's too late.

I will not transfer Private Pearlie Johnson to Alaska.

But, sir, as much as I hate to lose Johnson on my platoon, sir, he'd be

for Operation Snowflake. I said no, Bilko. He doesn't have the

But, sir, the captain must have been misinformed. Why, sir, he has a

way with Alaskan huskies. Is the jeep ready?

Yes, sir. But I do wish you'd reconsider, sir, why he speaks Eskimo

native. The boys in the platoon, they call him Manu. Forget it, Bilko.

My fiancée is coming in on the 2 .30 train.

I want you to assign a man to pick her up.

Yes, sir, I'll do that. But, sir, he was brought up on whale -blobbing.

Oh, your fiancée's coming, sir? Yes. Oh, isn't that nice? Is this the young

lady? Isn't she lovely? You are a lucky man, sir. Never mind, Milko. Just send a

man down to pick her up. Oh, yes, I'll ring sir right away, sir. I'll send the

perfect man, sir.

So you send Pearlie Johnson to pick up the captain's fiancée. What good does

that do you?

Use your head and sure.

Now, you take a charmed boy like Pearlie Johnson, right? Sweet talk, full of

technique, something in the eye routine.

Mix this with a pretty girl who happens to be the captain's fiancée. What comes

out? Boom, boom.

They're here.

I just saw the jeep come through the gate. The captain wanted to see Johnson

charm his girl.

Nice to see you, my dear.

Did you have a good trip? Wonderful. Oh, that's fine. Thank you. I'm sorry I

couldn't help you. Oh, lovely girl.

What are you doing in that Jeep? Where's Johnson?

Oh, Johnson. Well, he had a date with Mignon, so I went instead of him. Oh,

volunteered to help him. Talk to me. Talk loud. Say anything. Just keep me

occupied. If I have a chance to think, I'll kill him.

It's crazy. That's what it is. A crazy idea.

Hey, Sarge, it's freezing in here. Sarge, there must be an easier way than

to get rid of Pearlie Johnson. No, there isn't. I tried everything. This is my

last gambit. Don't you realize what's happening?

Mignon's been falling more and more in love with him every day. Hey, Sarge,

Johnson's coming. Get rid of those blankets. Open the windows.

Turn your pants on. Dove, man. Remember the name of the disease?

Shickleman's traumatic neurosis. Good boy. By the time we get through with

Johnson, he's going to think he flipped.

Yeah, then what'll he do? He'll go to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist will

verify it, and they'll drop the net on him. All right, that's it.

Wow, it's hot.

Hey, Pearlie. Hot enough for you? Wow. How are you nuts? It's freezing in here.

Let's close the window. No, don't close the window. We're dying from the heat.

You want some more iced tea, Sarge? Oh, thank you, sugar. You got a lot of ice

in here.

Sarge, I'm freezing.

Come on. Knock off the jokes, will you? It's too hot for that.

Hey,

Rock. Go to the supply room. Get some more fans, huh? Some more fans, Sarge.

they'll do is move around the hot air.

Hey, come on, Mullen. You had that ice bag all day. Give me a chance at it. I

tell you, I'm freezing.

What are you looking at?

Take it easy, kid.

I tell you, I'm freezing.

No, no, no, no.

Don't fall apart. You couldn't possibly have what Corporal Bigelow had.

What Corporal Bigelow had? Well, what did he have? I don't know.

I forgot the psychological term.

But it's a neurotic condition that manifests itself in the aberration of

respiratory nerve reactions. You see, it's all up here.

In everyday language, what it means is that your nervous system is acting in

reverse. You see?

I wish I could think of a medical name for it. Hey, Sarge, that's called

Shickerman's Traumatic Neurosis.

He remembers.

Dr. Bigelow was his closest buddy.

Schickelman's traumatic neurosis?

Look, kid, I don't want to be an alarmist.

Don't you think you ought to take the test?

The test? Yeah, just to see if your nerve reactions are proper. Just a

Let's try it. Yes, sir. Give me something.

What have I got in my hand?

A pencil.

Pencil?

What's in my hand?

A baseball bat. A baseball bat.

Baseball bat.

Now, look, look. Don't fall apart now. Now, look at it. I'm going to wave it

around a bit.

What is it?

I see a pencil.

Shickerman's traumatic neurosis.

Do me a favor. Go to... Go to... I'm going to be simple. Go on.

I'm going. I'm going.

I hope he'll be all right.

Hey, son.

I wonder where the psychiatrist is going to send you. I don't care as long as

it's away from here and away from me. The sergeant's coming. He probably wants

to pack his stuff, get his things together.

Hello, fellas.

Did you see the psychiatrist?

Yeah, I saw him. Did you tell him everything?

Everything. I bet he was shocked. He was shocked. What did he say, Pearl? He

wants to see you and the whole platoon right now. He says you're all sick.

Yes, sir.

What's this?

Hey, sergeant, what's up?

It is hot in there.

Come on, fellas.

Let's not keep the psychiatrist waiting.

Get some clothes.

Rupert, I got it. I got it. Is Pearlie Johnson here? He's on the back porch

Mignon. What do you got?

Got a sure way to get rid of him. That wolf playing with my child's affections.

When I get through with him, he's gonna run. Run from what?

Marriage. Marriage. Yeah, what's the one thing in the world Pearlie Johnson

fears worse than death?

Marriage. I don't blame him.

Miss.

Pearlie. Pearlie Johnson. Can I see you a minute?

You guys know what to do.

Oh, hi, honey. I'm glad you're here. I wanted to see you.

I want to talk to you a minute. Step in here.

Sit down.

Well, what's up?

Sit down. Sit down. You heard him. Sit down.

How long do you think this can go on, Parley?

Now, listen to me. Sit down.

Sit down.

I think you know what I'm talking about.

What are you doing Saturday night?

Well, I'm going... You're gone. You're going to a party.

A party? Yeah, an engagement party.

Who's getting engaged?

Congratulations, Pearlie. Allow me to be the first.

Follow me, Scotty. You're going to a wedding.

Oh, wait, Sarge. Listen.

I'm playing with my child's effects. How long did you think I could get away

with this? Toying? Who's toying? We want to get married next month when I get my

furlough. I love Mignon.

Oh, sure you do.

I know how you operate. I took lessons for you.

Want to get married? That's right. Next month when I get my furlough. Hey,

Mignon, it's all right. He wants us to get married.

Papa Bilko gives his blessing.

Papa Bilko, I'm so happy.

Thanks a lot, Ernie.

Yeah, sure, sure.

The minute I saw you kids together, I knew you were meant for each other.

Not like I'm losing a daughter, but I'm gaining an address book.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.