All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e36 Joans Big Romance

86, 87, 88, 89,

90, 91. What do you do? Oh, he does 100
strokes every day.

Well, it comes to one stroke for each
hair.

Did you get the go -on -the -way present
for Joan? Yes, an ounce of imported

French perfume. Oh, swell. Thanks, kid.
Wait a minute.

I laid off a buck and a half for that.
Well, put it to the rest, I think it

comes to $19 .40.

Totally great. Now, when it comes to
paying off, nothing. Out, out.

Eight, nine, one, hundred. Well, that
does it. Sarge, what time are you going

meet Joan? In a few minutes. She and
Nancy are catching the 815 train to

Chicago. Oh, what a night for a date.
The moon is out, the stars are out, and

there's no poke again.

Come on, Goldman, hurry up.

98, 99, 100. Look, the counting is for
the hair.

Good boy.

Can I spray you with some perfume,
Sarge? Yeah, just a little dash right

Hold it, hold it. Not too much. I want
the poor girl to be able to get on that

train.

Well, how do I look?

Positively devastating.

Don't tell me no man is a hero to his
valet. Say, Sarge, can I spray a little

myself? Sure, it's great. Right after
your shower.

Forget it.

Hey, Bilbo, I got a question to ask you.

I'm in a hurry. What is it? All right,
whose picture is on a $100 bill?

Zsa Zsa Gabor.

$100 bills he brings with me.

He's wrong.

It's Benjamin Franklin.

Boy, does he look handsome. Where'd you
get that?

Why did you ask, Rupert, buddy boy?

Well, I was over at Trap Game at the
Beth Hall, see? And I won $215.

Take it easy. Jocelyn Benjamin.

Well, beautiful.

I'm hot, Malpucco, and I'm ready to take
on anybody.

Anybody? Especially you. Me? Yeah,
except the challenge.

Sarge, what about Joan? Joan? Joan
Hogan. Don't you remember? She's going

leave for Chicago tonight.

Well, the game is over at my house. My
wife is out of town. I'm hot, Malpucco.

Don't keep me and Benjamin waiting.

I'll be there in five minutes.

Relax,

Mr. Timon. Here's Ripsick. Diana will be
taken, and I've got a date with Joan.

Well, then what are you going to do?
Well, I can only do the decent thing.

you say goodbye to Joan for me. Sarge,
I'll never speak to you again.

Right. Well, I'll make the goodbye real
fast. It'll be goodbye, Joan, and hello,

Benjamin. See ya.

Joan, Joan, Joan.

Parting is such freestyle. I'll miss
you, dear. Hurry back.

Wait a minute.

I die each time we say goodbye. Goodbye,
dear. Honey, I still have an hour. I

thought we'd have a cup of coffee. No,
why prolong the inevitable, dear? It's

better this way.

Sayonara. Goodbye.

What's the matter with you? I thought
we'd be gone for two weeks. Two weeks?

To me, that's an eternity. I'll miss
you.

Goodbye, dear. You don't have another
date.

Another date? I give you my solemn word
about a... Or a poker game? I give...

Poker? Why would I... Oh,

it's better to just turn away and say
goodbye, dear. Ernie, it will only take

minute. Now you wait right here. All
right. Oh, women.

Sarge. Sarge, did you say goodbye yet?
Eight times. Not one of them took. Well,

you better hurry up. Ritzik already lost
20 bucks. I'm trying. I'm trying. Try

harder. I have never seen Ritzik with a
wife case of gambling fever. You

would... What? What?

Rupert? Rupert has a fever. I have to
rush there. Poor Rupert. It's a

of that malaria he got in Guadalcanal.
Oh, it's bad.

Oh, it's pretty bad. I hope I'm not too
late. Oh, poor Ritzig and his wife is

out of town. Let me go with you. No, no,
no. It'll be all right. I'll take care

of it, dear. Have a good time in
Chicago.

Hold on, Benjamin.

Rupert, I'm coming.

Oh, Ernie. Ernie, how do you do it?
Lucky in love. Lucky in cards. What more

I need? A muzzle. All right.

All right, Ernie, come on. What do you
do? Well, he's got $2.

And I'm going to raise $2.

I see you for the $2. All right, what do
you got?

Four jacks.

Just dip me. I got two pairs.

Sarge, Joanie's coming. Joan, what is
she doing here? Hey, deal me out. I'll

head her off outside.

Joan! What are you doing here? Well, I
thought maybe a little hot soup might

help. How's he doing? Oh, not too good.

Oh, can I see him? No. No, his cold may
be contagious.

I thought he had a fever.

Yes, but I cooled him off. Hey, Bilko,
I'm getting hot again.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

He's been like that all day.

First the fever and then the delirium.

Oh, boy. Well, listen, you call me in
Chicago and let me know how he's doing.

should. You go to Chicago. Have a good
time here. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Hey, Bilko, look. I got a
flush.

What were we saying?

We were saying goodbye.

Forever. Oh, no, no. I mean, let me
explain this. Never mind, Ernie. We're

through. I'm sick and tired of playing
second fiddle to a deck of cards. Look,

Johnny, listen to me. I haven't seen you
for three years and you listen to me.

Ernie Wilco, do you know what you are?
You're a phony.

You're a fat -talking, big -mouthed,
selfish, unfeeling, foreflushing phony.

Goodbye. John, wait. Get out of the way.

to marry that girl. She understands you.

Well,

come on, Bill. Are you going to play?

Am I going to play?

Haven't you got any feelings at all?

The girl I love just catches me in a
miserable lie, and all you can say is,

you going to play?

Well, are you?

Of course.

Boy,

that makes me furious.

What? Don't go. What else?

Forget it, Joan.

You know, you're right.

You know, I'm making a big thing out of
nothing. All he did was tell me a little

white lie so he could play poker. Yeah.

What do you mean, yeah?

Maybe it doesn't bother you, but it
bothers me, that heel.

It's your own fault, honey.

You're too easy on him. That's why he
takes you for granted. I know.

Here I am, eating my heart out, and he's
probably back at Fort Baxter happy as a

lark.

Well, I'm going to get some coffee. How
about you?

Okay.

Am I terrible if I sit here for a
minute? It's taken. I just want it for a

moments. Oh, look, mister, I know what
you're trying, but... Please, it's

nothing the sort of... I'm trying to
avoid a photographer.

Oh, sure. Well, at least that's a new
approach.

Look, miss. Come through here. Yeah.

Cut it out.

There he is. No, really, miss. I... Got
it. Out of my way.

What's your name, sergeant?

What's all this about?

Well, you tell me. You were the one who
was playing footsie with Randy

Vandermeer. Randy Vandermeer? Oh, come
on now. Don't play dumb.

You love him for himself or his
millions?

Now, wait a minute. Oh, we want a
caption.

Randy Vandermeer to Mary Wack. Blue
Bloods H. White.

Now, come on. What's your name?

Don't give it to him, hon. You don't
want your name linked with that wolf.

You're right. What would everybody back
at Fort Baxter think? What would Ernie

think? That's right.

What would Ernie think?

Yeah.

My name is Joan Hogan.

H -O...

Dear John, haven't heard from you in
three days.

What gives?

Long time, no hear.

Ah, wait a minute. That's not it.

That's mushy.

That's mushy? I get more sentimental
letters from the finance company. Don't

tell me how.

Here you go, master. Please.

Well, what do you mean, sir? Why should
I write her first?

Let her write me first.

Let her worry if she's got me hooked.
You know what I mean? Play it cool. You

don't catch Ernie Bilko carrying a
torch, pal. Play it cool. Always cool.

That's the way you operate. Hey, Ernie.

Jones' picture's in the Chicago News.

Jones? Yeah.

My Jones? Well, I don't know about that.
You'd better take a look.

Randy Vanderman, a millionaire
sportsman. I love that. Right away,

sportsman. He's got a couple of racing
cars, a few polar ponies, and a yacht.

That makes him a sportsman? Gee, Randy
Vanderman. He has zillions.

How do you like that, Jones?

I never figured it would be this cold
and calculating.

Do you know people?

Let this be a lesson to you men.

Three years I've given this girl my
undivided devotion.

This. This is the way she repays. Sarge,
remember what you said. Always play it

cool. Shut up.

I can't have her marry this whacked -up
playboy. He's been married seven times.

Gee, he's married more dames than I've
kissed. I got to tell you something.

Ernie, how are you going to compete with
a millionaire playboy? How? By

appealing to her finest instincts, to
her warm -heartedness, to her

nature. Yeah, but how?

How? By pulling one of the rottenest
tricks I ever pulled. That's how.

But Ernie... Oh, shut up. I can't have
her marry this guy and let him ruin her

life. I've been going with her three
years. If anybody's going to ruin the

night, it's going to be me.

Come on.

I wonder why you haven't heard from
Vilco.

Don't worry, I will.

What makes you so sure?

I know Vilco.

Look, the picture appeared in the paper
on Tuesday.

It got the clock back to on Thursday.

The next train out of Roseville was 10 o
'clock last night, which should get

them into Chicago around 9 o 'clock this
morning.

Now, let's say it takes them 15 minutes
to get from the station to the hotel,

which means that we should be hearing
from them right about... now.

Well, you know, you'll be playing poker.

Hello?

Corporal Henshaw's on his way up?

Good. I wonder what the master plan is.
Don't worry. We'll know soon enough. If

he came all the way to Chicago, it's got
to be abuse.

Come in.

Oh.

Joan, Nancy, have you seen him? Seen
who?

Poor Ernie.

What? Poor Ernie. Well, ever since he
saw your picture in the paper with Randy

Vandermeer, he went to pieces. No.

Then he went AWOL. He didn't. We thought
he might have followed you to Chicago,

so the colonel detailed us to pick him
up. I wonder where he could be.

Well, if you run into him or he tries to
contact you, please let us know. Yes, I

will. Thank you. Yes, I will.

Hench, I found him. Where? Where?

Chief Flophouse, just off the loop.

Chief Flophouse? My Ernie?

How is he?

He's not good, Joanie. He's not good.

He keeps repeating the same two names
over and over again.

Who? Joan Hogan and I .W. Harper.

You've got to go to him.

He needs you. He needs your warm
heartedness. And your sympathetic

Here's the address.

We'll tell him you're coming.

He'll be weak but happy. Please come.

He needs you.

Bless you, Joan.

Did I get you to give me a few?

Yeah. You drove him to drink. Oh, Nancy,
I'll see you later. This is one

performance I don't want to miss. What
are you going to tell him?

Well, if a picture of me with another
man drove him to drink, who knows what a

wedding announcement would do.

Did you believe it? She practically had
tears in her eyes. Did I tell you to

leave it to the old Sarge? Play on that
sympathy to putty him.

Watch the window. I can't believe you
pulled him up any minute. See, I got a

hand to see early.

Are you kidding? This is just the
beginning. Wait till you see my big

scene. When I get through with Miss
Hogan, she's going to drop this guy so

so she can spend the rest of her life
nursing me back to health.

Sarge, Sarge, there's a cab pulling up.

Thanks.

Give me the whiskey, Bob. Fill it

with tea? Good.

Give me five seconds.

Boy,

that's good scotch.

How can they put that off for 46 a
quarter?

I spent 50 cents for this room. I

didn't have privacy.

It's Joan.

Joan? Joan here?

I've got to fix myself up.

No,

no, Sarge, Sarge.

She's here, Sarge.

Ernie. Ernie.

It's you, Johnny?

Yes, darling, I hate to see you this
way.

Why don't you... You don't come here,
Johnny. Go, go before I drag you down

me. I'm no good for you, Johnny. I can't
leave you like this, Ernie. Don't worry

about me, Ernie. I'm okay.

I've still got a dollar and a half.

even for the sweeper.

You know why?

Because Ernie Bilbo's a big sport.

That's why they have... a big sport.

You took me out of your own overview,
Ernie. Go away before I drag you down

me. Goodbye, Ernie. Bye.

I want you to know I'm not bitter.

I wish you and Randy happiness.

And don't think of me when you're there
in that Riviera sunning yourself and I'm

here in Skid Row.

Freezing.

All I'm thinking of is your happiness.

Ernie, I've got something to tell you.

Yes, what?

Randy has asked me to marry him and I've
accepted.

prestige, and at last I've met a man who
can make my dreams come true.

It's getting dark in here.

Oh, it is?

I have a dinner date with Randy at his
apartment.

Well, before you go, I want you to
know... I want you to know I'm a big

finally outsmarted himself.

And in his apartment with candlelight
suppers. You know what that means? I

what it means. I know what it means. It
means they're going to go up to Randy's

apartment and break this thing up once
and for all. That's the spirit, ain't

Give me a drink. I need a drink.

Sarge, that was tea.

Why are you giving me tea?

Music for Midnight Madness.

Who can that be?

Sabrina! Why, you lowdown, too powerful.

Oh, Sabrina, please, we decided it was
over. We wouldn't see each other

You decided it was over? I'm still madly
in love with you, you dirty rat.

Make it more difficult?

Don't make me have you thrown out.

But, Randy, you promised to marry me.
Yeah, well, Sabrina, feelings change.

People grow apart.

Since yesterday?

What business conference?

Sure. Soft light, champagne, music.

Who are you expecting?

John Foster Dulles? No, really, you have
to go. Please.

I'll make it up to you somehow.

I'll send you a check for $5 ,000.

You know my new address?

Yes. Now, will you go, please?

Oh,

just in time.

Try to solve something.

Where is she? Who? Who? That southern
blossom that you're trying to trample.

That's who. Southern blossom, huh? She
just left. A likely story.

Darling, come out. I've saved you in the
nick of time. Where is she? Darling,

don't be ashamed. Who are you? What do
you want? What do I want? I want young

innocent girls spared from the likes of
you. That's what I want. Darling, I'm

here. Come.

Uh -huh.

Candlelight. Champagne.

Mum's 1901.

You coward.

Don't you do anything on your own.

Darling, it's all right.

Madness by Lawrence Welk.

You want Lawrence Welk, do you? Well,
you'll not get away with it, sir.

One, two.

Come on, Peter.

I'm calling the police. Police? You call
the police. You're the last one to say

police. Come on, Joan.

Joan, it's me, Ernie. Who's Joan? I
don't know any Joan.

I don't know any Joan. Let me refresh
your memory.

That's who's Joan.

Joan Hogan, right there.

Believe me, I don't even know this girl.

I was trying to duck a photographer. She
just happened to be there when the

picture was shot. I've never even seen
her again.

You're kidding.

No. You've never seen her again?

No. You didn't invite her here for
dinner?

No, no. I'm waiting for a beautiful
resident named Dorothy.

Look, will you please leave?

Wait a minute. Look, just level with me.
You never saw her again? No. And she's

not coming here for dinner? That's
right. I don't like that, Monk. She's

to fool you. Trying to make me jealous.
She's not going to get away with it.

Will you forgive me for bursting? You
understand, man of the world. Now what,

Sabrina? How are you going to send me a
check when you don't even know my life?

I know it. I know it. Will you please
go? Who is it?

Look, get her out of here.

Did you promise to send her a check?
Yes, yes. I'll send it. What are you,

lusting up a man's evening? He's going
to send it.

You're cute.

Oh, yes.

You should have seen Ernie in that flop
house.

Your happiness is all I care about.

Oh, yes.

I have all to do to keep from laughing
right in his face.

What do you think his next move is going
to be?

way out, he has to come to me on bended
knee and beg for another chance.

Are you going to take him back?

Oh, sure, but first I'm going to have
him crawl a little.

Good, good. Step on his fingers once for
me.

Huh? No time?

I better get going.

Come in, Ernie.

Joan, may I see you a moment? It's
terribly personal.

What do you want to see me about, Ernie?
Well, I really don't know where to

begin. Well, just start anywhere.

Well, first let me say, Joan, there'll
never be another girl like you in the

world for me.

And although you're lost to me forever,
you'll never be gone in here.

Oh, that's nice.

And I want to wish you and Randy every
bit of happiness.

You love him very much, don't you? Yes,
I've never met anyone like him. I'm

sure.

You must try to forget me.

Forget you?

Never. But try I must.

That's good thinking.

Eventually, someday, you'll meet
somebody new.

Oh, I already have.

Yes, somebody very sweet, warm, and
understanding. You have no idea what a

comfort she is to me. Oh, she is, is
she?

Come here a minute, dear.

Oh, honey, honey, I've been waiting out
there for five minutes. I love you so

much. No, not now, honey. I want you to
be funny, please.

No, no, that'll come later.

I'm so reserved.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Honey, you must... I'll try to calm her
down temporarily.

Honey, look.

Would you hold this a minute?

Sometimes... That usually does it.

Oh, honey, thanks a lot. I needed that.
Oh, you little devil.

Sabrina, I want you to meet... How do
you do, ma 'am? I want you to know I'm

just crazy about your son.

My son!

You run downstairs. I'll be down in five
minutes. Oh, you little devil. Goodbye,

honey.

How could you do this to me?

Take up with another woman the minute my
back is turned.

Oh, look, honey, it shouldn't mean
anything to you. You're engaged to

I am not. I never even met him. You
didn't? No, I made the whole thing up

to make you jealous.

Well, Joanie, if it's any confidence to
you, I use Sabrina for the very same

reason.

and stop being such a nosy...

Mmm,

that's wonderful wine, Ernie. Wonderful
girl and a wonderful night.

Now, is this better than making each
other miserable?

It certainly is. That's a good boy.

Oh, I must have been out of my mind to
doubt you for a minute. To think that

would throw yourself away on that
worthless playboy.

Especially when I hardly met.

What are you looking for, dear?
Cigarettes, darling. Do you have any?

I'll get some. Good. T .T., you have
that?

What does that mean? Ta -ta for now.

Oh, hello there.

Oh, there you are.

Remember me? Randy Vandermeer, the man
in the train.

Oh, yes.

I never did get to thank you for being
so kind.

Hi, Sarge. Hey, Rock. Thanks for doing
it, Tom. How's it going with you and

Joan? Fine. I should have my head
examined for ever doubting a girl like

Me thinking that she could go for a
stuffed shirt like this Randy

Believe me, I don't deserve a girl like
that.

Sarge. Sarge.

Look. Well, thanks again.

It was delightful seeing you again. Nice
to see you.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Did you get the cigarette?

No. All right, wait a minute. Who? Who?
Your hand is still wet from his kisses.

You're saying who?

Oh, Randy. He just dropped by to say
hello. This is the first time I've seen

from the train. He just accidentally
dropped by. You expect me to believe

Oh, Ernie.

Ernie, Ernie. Darling, it's you,
sweetheart. It isn't Randy. It's you.

sorry. No, it's wrong with you. You're
just too sweet.

Miss Hogan?

Yes? Compliments of Randy Vanderman.

Oh, good. That's it. You're a man. Each
one's doing one. Sends you a bottle of

champagne, huh?

Mom's 1901. Does that sound familiar?
Why don't you tell me? Oh, you're

again. I told you I did Randy a favor on
the train, and this is his way of

saying thanks. How do you expect me to
believe that? You think I was born

yesterday? Why don't you tell the truth?

Miss Hogan, compliments on Mr.
Vandermeer.

All right, that did it. All right, first
of all, on the train, you went right to

his apartment, huh? What name do you
use? Dorothy? Is that your other name?

expect me to believe... Come on and
dance with me. They're playing the theme

my favorite album. Your favorite album?
What's that?

Music for Midnight Madness.

That did it. Don't touch me.

Everybody, listen. Let them listen. I
want them all to hear. All right, don't

spare my feelings. Tell me the truth.
Admit that you're madly in love with

I'm madly in love with him. Ah, you
admitted it. In the wrong words, you

it. What are you doing here? Is this
your station?

Well, wait, I'll pay for it. Get out of
here.

Go home. Go home. I'll get Randy to take
you home. Randy, wherever you are, come

get her. She's yours.

Now, don't listen to me. This is the
last time I'm going to speak to you. We

through. Will anybody call me?

Oh, you're just in time. Here, take her.
Take her, you philanderer, you. Oh,

look here, Sergeant. Oh, lift your hand.
You want to get physical. That's all

right with me. We'll have a go at it.
Rock, can't you?

Yes, I told me.

You're lucky to get here just in time.

Take her. Who needs her? Who wants a
girl with a temper?

The chick, sir?

Why, didn't he pick it up? Who, sir? Mr.

Vandermeer. We're very close friends.

Embracements, Joan.

Thanks. You seen Ernie?

Seen him, yes.

Talk to him never again.

Can't say that I blame you. Come on,
honey, it's time for lunch. Well, wait a

minute. I'll be through here in a
second.

Uh -oh, don't look now, but here he
comes.

Hello, Nancy.

Hiya, Bilko. Would you please tell
Sergeant Holger that he owns the duty

and where are the spare parts I
requisitioned?

Sergeant Bilko... Would you please tell
Sergeant Bilko that he'll be notified as

soon as the shipment arrives?

Sergeant Hogan says you'll be notified
as soon as the shipment arrives.

Tell Sergeant Hogan that Sergeant Bilko
says thank you.

Sergeant Bilko says... Will you tell
Sergeant Bilko that Sergeant Hogan says

he's welcome?

Sergeant Hogan says you're welcome.

Shall I wait for an answer? No.

Good. My neck's getting tired.

Sergeant Bilko says goodbye.

Goodbye. Oh, no. Don't try to make up,
please.

Nancy, would you please tell Sergeant
Bilko that I wouldn't make up with him

he was the last man at Fort Baxter?

Sergeant Hogan says she would... Oh,
come on.

Why don't you two make up so you can
have a good fight without an

May I introduce you to Sergeant Bilko?

How do you do?

How are you?

Well, I've got to go now, Sergeant
Hogan.

Of course, Sergeant Bilko.

Joe. Oh, Rudy.

Oh, Rudy.

Will you ever forget me? How could I
think you could go for a crazy nut like

Randy Vandermeer? Oh, darling, I was
suspicious, too.

I'm suspicious of you and that empty
-headed blonde.

I don't even remember her name.

Oh, sorry.

Good job.

Sabrina. What are you doing here?

I'm listed.

Enlisted? Why?

Well, honey, when you kissed me the
other day, I felt downright patriotic.

again. You keep your hands off me.

where Elizabeth Fraser as Joan Hogan,
Richard Durr as Randy, Betty Binet as

Sabrina, Jane Dulo as Nancy, Joey Ross
as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, and special guest star
Sammy Kahn as the waiter.

Now stay tuned for the monsters next
year in TV Land.