Original subtitles

all right to talk?

Okay, here's the bet. I want $20 to win on Speedo print in the first race at

Belmont. Yes. And the cash? Oh, I'd love to bring it down to you, but you see,

we're out on maneuvers. I'm talking to you on a walkie -talkie.

Oh, there goes the morpher training. Yes.

Hello,

Patsy. I'll be in the first.

Patsy. Hello.

What's up, Sarge? We cut off?

Yeah, we were cut off by Patsy.

How do you like this? A sure thing.

A 40 to one shot, and I can't even raise the nickel.

And post time is 1 .30 at Belmont. Hey, Sarge, you better hurry up if you want

to get that bet down on speed of print. We got 10 minutes to raise $20. I can

only mean one thing.

What are you doing, Sarge?

What? What?

Sarge, auction time. Oh, come on, Ernie. The guys ain't going to go for that.

They won't, Ernie.

You just watch it, see, pal.

Watch the manipulator work. Fox, you're out of your mind.

What was that, Rocco?

Did you say I was out of my mind?

My God, Rocco is right, gentlemen.

I have finally clipped my lids.

Sergeant Bilko has gone crazy. He's going to auction off his most prized

possession. Gather round, gentlemen. Here we go again.

Here we go. Gentlemen.

An envelope lies the formula to happiness.

A group of numbers.

Individually, they mean nothing. But put them in their proper order, they will

open the gates to heaven.

He's probably going to sell us dog tags.

Just for that, you can't bid. Make an order that I accept no bids from Mellon.

All right, gentlemen. Who's going to be the lucky man?

What are you selling, a sweepstake ticket? A sweepstake ticket involves

This is a sure thing. What is it, a good address?

Ah, ah, ah, he's getting warm.

I know, I know, I've got it, I've got it. George, I think he's got it. A phone

number. Matt Farrelly, you didn't tell me what to tell you.

Yes, it is a phone number, but gentlemen, not just any phone number.

Come on. Well, I'm not at liberty to tell you at this time, but all I can say

is... A man never answers, and she's always home. And you should hear her

she lifts the phone and she says, Yes, I would like to make a green light.

You must listen when I give you these.

All right, before this envelope steams itself open, what are my bids? Six

All right, I said I want no bids from you. I want no joke from you. No bids

you. All right, gentlemen, let's have a sensible bid.

Fifteen cents.

Fifteen. Well, fifteen cents is a fair bid.

For a Hershey bar?

It's a paradise worth only 15 cents. Come on, gentlemen, let's hit it. You

it. That's all we got. It's 15 cents.

We're broke.

Shut up.

I think you're hearing that over and over again. We're broke. We're broke.

All right, break it up. I'm tired of looking at your penniless face.

I know it's just a bad time of the month for you. Look, it's been a bad time of

the month for them every week. I'm getting tired of the whole financial

around here.

Even Doberman is getting thinner.

I've got to get the bet down.

There must be some way to raise that $20. Let's go on. Come on.

You got a screwdriver?

Come, come, ladies. What am I doing with this priceless, unlisted phone number?

Joanie, why don't you start the bidding?

Okay, I bid you goodbye.

Oh, she's always... What do we need a phone number for? Oh, come on, girls.

is just another Bill Coe trick.

He once sold me Burt Lancaster's phone number, and it turned out to be the

Weather Bureau.

I helped Burt wait for the Weather Bureau at the time.

I'll never forget his voice when he used to say, fat Dave with increasing... My

girl.

Hey, why don't you listen?

Sarge, face it. You struck out again.

Didn't even have a chance to go to bat.

Hey, Sarge, forget about raising the money. We missed the first race.

I can see it in your eyes. Speedo print one, huh?

What did he pay?

Forty to one.

He paid $50 and I couldn't raise... Well, that's it, fellas.

The well is dry.

Oh, don't say that, Sarge. Business will get better. Well, thank you, Bernard

Baruch. What better?

You can see it as well as I can. Half the post is white for me, the other half

is broke.

Oh, no, fellas. I can read the handwriting on the wall, and you know

says? Bill, go. Go home.

Leaving the army? No, but I'm leaving this post.

I'm going to apply for a transfer for the loneliest island base in the South

Pacific. The Pacific?

Sarge, you'll go nuts there.

Here I'll go nuts. There I'll get rich.

Don't you get the picture?

Soldiers overseas.

Overseas pay piling up. No place to spend it. Tell you it's a treasure

waiting for the right pirates to come along.

I'll send you the minute I can. But for now, I'm going to apply for immediate

transfer. With luck, I can fly out of here tomorrow.

Doc, I'll call the weather bureau. Fire out the flying conditions for tomorrow.

Right. Leave it to me. Sarge.

Sir, what's the number? What? The weather bureau. Oh, send us envelope.

Edna was right.

You wanted me, sir? Yes, Sergeant Hogan. There's a Major Patterson coming from

Washington this afternoon to inspect the post.

I'll need an inventory of all empty barracks and available space for new

Are we getting new troops, sir? Yes, if Major Patterson decides on Fort Baxter.

They're thinking of opening a new school of some kind.

Well, I'll get the girls on it right away, sir.

Good morning, sir. Oh, it's you, Bilko. What is it this time? Sir, I'd like to

make a request.

If it's for a raise, Bilko, forget it. Our salaries are fixed in the army. Oh,

sir, you're right.

Good heavens, I have no trouble making ends meet, sir. Then what is it, Bilko?

Well, I'll get to the point, sir. I'd like to apply for immediate transfer,

Whereas I have served at Fort Bax for a good many years and enjoyed every moment

of it, sir, I think I can best fit the army in another post, sir. And I hope

you'll see it that way.

Sir? Sir?

Oh, yes. I heard you, Bill Cole.

But I never thought it would come so early in my life while I... Then you'll

grant my request, sir.

My boy, we've been together a good many years. Yes, sir. But if you want to

transfer, I won't stand in the way of my happiness.

I mean your happiness.

Please, sir.

Where did you want to be transferred to?

Oh, any island in the South Pacific, sir. Out of the country?

Oh, I'm so overcome in our parting, I almost lost control.

Goodbye, my boy.

Goodbye. Sir, just a moment. You haven't signed the transfer yet. Well, give me

the transfer. I'll sign it. Sir, I have to make it out.

Oh, hurry, hurry.

Goodbye, my boy. Goodbye.

Goodbye, sir.

Transfer, transfer.

Well, now you know. And be a good soldier, don't make a scene. But why all

sudden a transfer? I only want to do my share on some lonely island in the South

Pacific, some far -flung bastion of democracy where there's nothing but

heat, and sand.

And nothing but soldiers with overseas pay piling up and no place to spend it.

I get it. The money drought hit Fort Baxter, so you're off to raise new

What harm am I doing? I'm not taking the money out of the army. I'm just giving

the money a change of scenery.

Well, if the heat don't make the cards come sticking and the monkeys don't

the dice, I should be back in two weeks.

My hero.

Here we go.

Immediate transfer effective immediately.

Here's the transfer paper, sir. Goodbye, my boy.

Goodbye. Sir, this is the moment you haven't signed the transfer yet, sir.

it's delighted me. Let me see. I'll make sure I pick the right pen. I think I'll

pick the one with the black ink. It never fades. Oh, sir.

I'll miss you already, sir. Just sign the paper, please. Oh, Colonel, here are

the accommodation reports from the new troop.

We have space for an additional 1 ,500 men. Fine, fine, I'll show them to you.

Excuse me, sir. 1 ,500 new men, that's a lot of money.

Give me that transfer. Sir, I wish you'd give me a chance to think this over.

I'm so impulsive. Give me that transfer. Sir, how would it look if I ran out to

the colonel now when he needed my help with 1 ,500 new men, sir? Stop thinking

of them and think of me. Give me that transfer. Sir, I couldn't do this to my

beloved colonel. I'll have to make the sacrifice.

No, Bilko.

Get me some scotch tape.

I can still sign it.

Final, after all, you need some older hands to help you with the new men. I'll

get the trucks and welcome them. I'll make several wonderful trips. 1 ,500 new

men. 1 ,500.

So close.

What could have been a classic document is just waste paper.

Why didn't you tell me? 1 ,500 new men. Even if it's only a dollar a man, you

know what that comes to? Oh, I can't say it.

Well, don't get so excited because it's not definite. It isn't? No, it all

depends on a Major Patterson. Who is he? Well, he's coming down from Washington

to inspect his post as a possible site for a new school.

School? That even makes it better. That means it's young minds waiting to be

molded.

What do you mean, nobody? What would they be coming here for?

Fort Baxter? You could shoot off a rocket here, nobody would know it. What?

Just answered my own question.

It's going to be a missile project.

What time does this Major Patterson get here? I would like to meet him at the

training. You mean you're not transferring out? Of course not.

Carol, did you hear the good news? I'm not transferring out. Oh, no, no cheers.

Glad to be among you again.

Oh, please, don't put me. I'm glad to be among you.

All right, now, the train

will be here in a few seconds. And remember, look intelligent.

Come on, Sarge. We're not going to go to school. Why do we have to look

intelligent? How many times do I have to tell you guys?

Major Patterson has to inspect three posts.

Why is he going to find a camp crop? An intellectual desert?

At Fort Lawrence, a mental wasteland. And at Fort Baxter? A mecca of culture,

where rich young scientists can rub brains of their own kind.

During recess, what's the best way to relax after those long, tensioned hours

study? A poker game. Huh?

The ball is starting to pass you, Rocco. The train's in. There he is. He's

getting them. Oh, Major Patterson, over here, sir. Major Patterson, sing.

Pull the bull.

Major Patterson is our neighbor. This is where the soldiers of Fort Baxter spend

their relaxing hours, sir.

Oh, Chet, you have to play that high -five so loud.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sarge. I seem to be carried away every time I conduct

Beethoven's.

He loves to conduct, sir. Well, it's nice not to hear rock and roll on an

post for a change.

Rock and roll? What's that, sir? Shh.

Oh, we have seen too much of the chess game. Shh.

How is it going? They haven't made a move in two days.

Oh, sometimes they don't make a move for three or four weeks, sir. It's very...

Oh, he's about to make his move.

Splendid way. Oh, that was a grand move.

Yes, it was first attempted by Mastodon for this great match.

against Kubilansky, Moscow, 1926.

I said, all right, sir.

That should be over in a week now, sir.

Frankly, I expected to see a pool game going on here. Pool game, sir? How could

they? The men use the pool table to pin their butterfly collection.

Oh, this is my favorite right here. This is the Mongolian cinnamon.

I'm fond of this one. It's very rad, sir. We had quite a tragedy last week.

Yes, a rad gypsy moth was crushed.

into the side pocket.

Come quick, come quick.

What is it, Leonardo?

I was studying the quinastris constellation when all of a sudden

streak right across the sky. What streak, Leonardo?

A new comet.

I discovered it.

History is about to be made.

I'm going to name it after you. I'm going to call it Bilco's Comet. Oh,

that sweet? But you don't have to. There are so many things named after me now.

Fleischman named his new chemical after me.

He calls it Bilko Ceylon.

I have a grand idea, Leonardo, in honor of the Major. Why don't you call your

comet Major Patterson's Comet? Good, that's what I'll call it, Patterson's

Comet. Thank you, I'm very flattered. May I see it? Not for another 200 years,

sir.

Oh,

swishy, swish, there you go. Let me show you the rest of the post, sir, may I?

Thank you.

Well, I must say, my tour of Fort Baxter has been a revelation to me.

Major Patterson couldn't wait to pick Fort Baxter for his school. Major

Patterson pick?

I pick.

Just think of it. 1 ,500 new men coming in here.

Here's a welcoming committee ready to greet them. What? Ow!

Hey, Sarge, I wonder if this really is going to be a missile project school.

cares what kind of school? Whatever they're going to learn, we're going to

them, right?

Hey, did they arrive yet? Not yet, Sarge. Well, I'd better check on the

barracks. I want as many of the pigeons I can get to live right here in the

coop.

A fine thing being kicked into the furnace room. Yeah, Bilko runs his

like a hotel.

No money and out you go.

Come on, into the furnace room. We've got to make room for the students.

Don't. The minute they get here, show them to their bunks. I want to get right

into the game. How many can we accommodate?

Ten. Ten. Oh, we'll have to do better than that. Ten.

Sorry, Fleishman, Mullen, you'll have to live in a motel for a few years.

Beautiful music. Here they come. All right, we'll all get a chance. And now

let's make a welcome. All right, let's sing nice and loud.

What the heck? It's a raid.

Who squealed?

Oh, fuck you.

Doctor, here are the school students.

You said you had room for 12.

School students?

Fort Baxter has had the honor of being selected as the home for the new MP

school.

MP school?

1 ,500 MPs at Fort Baxter? That's right. These men have been assigned these

barracks. Now show them their beds.

Can I show you to your... Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Overestimated my accommodations. I don't think I'll have enough room. Maybe a

little later on. All right, men. I'm sorry about this.

Sergeant! Sergeant! These men have been ordered to stay here and I'll take care

of them. But, sir, I'm speaking of the men's welfare. You see, one of my men

a rare disease. I think it's very, very... Sorry, gentlemen. Some other

your own protection, you know. About face.

Sergeant! Sergeant!

I'll take that up with the dispensary. These men are staying here.

All right, men.

As of this moment, you are MP trainees.

In class or out of class?

You are on duty 24 hours a day. That means you have the authority to arrest

soldier who breaks a regulation.

Carry on. Yes, sir.

Do you like my news?

Well, sir, I'm Sergeant Bilko. I know you'll only be here a short time for a

couple of weeks, so make yourself at home. Six months.

Six months? That's a pretty tough course.

They teach you how to protect the president, catch spies and things like

huh? Well, a little of that, but mostly how to break up gambling and catch

parties.

But what? What?

Well, it's a good idea, you know, to keep gambling off of... Well, fellas,

your bunks, grab anyone you see, make yourself at home.

And a double.

Holy smoke.

Excuse me, Sergeant. What happened to all them rich young scientists you said

were going to get?

I'm warning you, don't grudge me. I'll turn you in.

Remember, the cops outnumber the crooks in this barracks now.

What are we going to do?

Search each other.

What are they doing now, Sarge? Practicing judo.

Oh, that could have been me.

Boy, every way you look, there's MPs. The post is crawling with them. What are

you talking about? It's like living in a jail. Last time I had a pass, I felt

like I was out on parole.

They took care of that.

Where are you going?

What are you doing, Sarge?

What's the matter, Sarge?

I arranged a card game for tonight. A card game? Shut up!

You're talking right behind a police station.

If they catch us with a deck of cards, we're dead. I took care of that, too. I

don't know, Ernie. It's awful risky.

Maybe.

I'll get it. Hold on.

It's a friend. Open.

Hey!

Hey, did you ever see so many military police? Yeah, my kitchen is full of

Even the KP's are empty.

Take care of the cards.

Oh, I got them right here.

Good boy.

Oh, be careful. They're still hot. All righty.

Hey, Cookie!

Get your hands off that.

Not for eating, this is for playing.

These are our cards, 52 of them.

See that?

Three raisins, that's a three.

One raisin, an eight.

Five raisins, a five.

Oh, look, this one with 11 raisins, that must be a jack. Now you're getting it.

Okay.

What's this one with the nuts in it? Oh, I had some dough left over, so I baked

a joker.

All this, will you?

Did you bring the milk? Yeah. Here we go. Get some glasses, Hanson. What's the

milk for, Sarge? Hanson, get on to anything in case the MPs walk in.

We eat the evidence and wash it out.

All right.

We all set? Now, look. Due to the emergency, I will deal the cards as they

Monte Carlo.

Out of the shoe, so to speak. And here we go. And the game.

Five card draw.

Cookies are bet.

Jacks are bet.

What about money? We can't put any money on the table. We keep the bets in our

mind. You understand that, Rupert? You keep the bet.

In your mind.

Well, what a system. With my luck, I could lose my mind.

What are you doing, Rupert?

Well, what a crummy hand.

I bet a dollar. I think.

All right.

Rupert. Dollar devil. You're marking the cards.

I'm in.

I'm in. How many cards do you want? Three. Three.

Two.

Two for you.

One. Two. Hold it.

Here.

Take care of the discards. Keep them fresh.

Just a minute. I haven't looked.

Uh -huh. I got news from the bakery.

Hey, sir. Oh, the MP's here.

You just have some cookies and milk, won't you, Joyner? Oh, thanks.

This one has a lot of raisins. There goes my king.

How about the milk? Oh, no thanks.

We just wanted you to sign this requisition for six keeps from the motor

We're practicing raiding tonight.

Yeah, that's a good night for it. Well, thanks, Sarge.

Can I have another cookie? Help yourself.

I like the ones with a lot of raisins. Who doesn't?

Good night.

Well, there goes our game.

What are you beefing about?

It just ain't the best hand I ever had.

Take another take.

I'll slice up some cheese and I'll put pimentos on them. We gotta get rid of

those MPs.

You're not kidding. There's no picnic living with 1 ,500 MPs.

1 ,501 MPs. Well, where's the other one going to come from? Me.

You're going to join the MPs? Yes, sir.

How are you going to get rid of them that way? You know what they say, one

rotten banana spoils the whole bunch.

And so, men, I cannot overstress the importance of military regulation to the

new MP.

When is it permissible for an MP to enter a civilian establishment?

Trainee Hendricks?

When he is reasonably certain, there are military personnel on the premises.

That is correct.

Yes, Trainee Bilko?

I beg to differ, sir.

Under FM 19 -15, a military policeman can enter any establishment and make an

arrest as stated in paragraph 24 of paragraph 8, as published in the revised

regulations issued in 1950.

Yes, I overlooked that. Thank you for bringing it to our attention.

It is my theory, sir, that regulations are as important... to the military

policeman. That's his pistol.

That's a good thing for all you students to remember.

Remember that, you men. And these men, I'm just showing Colonel Hall around the

school. Carry on.

Well, speaking of regulations, sir, it is my theory. What are you doing here?

Is he under arrest?

Sergeant Pilko is our newest and one of our brightest students.

Bilko, an MP?

Yes, sir. I couldn't help but join Fort Baxter's finest in their great crusade.

Major Patterson has arranged my transfer. It's all according to

sir. Bilko, an MP?

Can I show you any more, Colonel Hall? I don't think so. You couldn't top this.

Oh, boy, that Bilko. How does he think of these things?

You've got to give him credit. What brains?

Sure, he becomes an MP soon. The whole post will be wide open. Hey, when do we

start the car games? I guess any day now. Whenever Bilko gives us the word.

Hey, hey, with our own MP on the post, it'll be Monte Carlo every night. Hey,

here comes Bilko.

Get out the car table. Here we go.

Hold it.

This is a raid. Line up against the wall. I want no trouble.

I get it, Sarge. It's a game.

What's your name, soldier?

Sarge, it's me, Paparelli. What's that in your hand?

It's a dart.

It's an unissued weapon.

According to FM 95 -30, no soldiers will carry illegal arms. You're under

arrest.

Arrest this man.

Sarge, what's the matter with you? You've gone nuts.

Resisting apprehension. Arrest this man as well.

Yes, and you're out of uniform.

What do you mean?

Article 904 clearly states military ties should be tucked in between the second

and third buttons. Yours is between the third and fourth buttons. Yes.

I don't get it. What are all the arrests for?

What's with throwing the book at the whole platoon?

Jerks, don't you get it? With all the men in the guardhouse, the post can't

function, right?

There's a standstill.

Washington looks into it. Why is nothing happening at Fort Baxter? They see the

reason. The MPs. Huh?

So they pull out the MPs. You're brilliant.

You're a genius, Sarge.

Striking a police officer. You're both under arrest.

Oh, boy, we'll go on MP.

Our worries are over.

Hi, Ernie. Hey, Ernie. Where's the game? Yeah.

In the guardhouse. You're both under arrest.

For what?

Manufacturing gambling devices.

Are you crazy? These are carrots. Just a minute. Aren't they diced carrots?

Put a few dots on them and then watch the sevens roll by, eh? How is it you

chaps who use sevens? None of that. Take them away. Out. Out.

I was looking for the administration building. I seem to have stumbled into a

model agency.

Look who's here. Renfrew of the Mountain. Oh, you?

Oh, Ernie, you look so wonderful in your MP uniform.

Ah, Joanie, I just wanted you to be proud of me. Oh, darling, I am. I

you a present.

A present?

Uh -huh.

A gold -plated whistle.

Oh, Joan, you shouldn't have.

My, what a lovely tone.

Arrest this woman. Arrest?

I'm providing a police officer. You're under arrest.

Sorry, the law is the law.

him. The law is the law.

All impersonating an officer. Arrest that woman.

All right.

Exciting to write, huh? Arrest the entire group.

Out.

Out.

Out.

Out.

I'll need two copies of these.

I can hold it.

Billy. Edna.

Where is everybody?

and their overzealous police work, they brought this post to a standstill. But

you must realize, Colonel Hall, they're just trainees and perhaps a little too

enthusiastic. That's putting it mildly. Most of my staff is in the guardhouse.

My motor pool, my cook, my secretary, it's a ghost camp.

I'll have them released immediately.

I'd appreciate it. It gets a little lonesome around here. You know, Colonel

Hall, an MP school should operate on a post of its own. Then the men can learn

to be MPs without disrupting the other personnel.

Does that mean you intend to leave? I understand that Fort Cullen in North

Dakota has just been deactivated, and I'll make preparations for us to take it

over immediately.

I think that's the wisest decision.

I'll post the orders at once. Fine. You can use my secretary.

Thank you. Just as soon as she gets out of jail. That's right, Captain Parker.

It's official.

Tomorrow morning, the camp will be back to normal.

Sergeant Hogan?

Yes, sir. May I help you? Just wanted to make sure you were there.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Sergeant. What can I do?

Oh, Bilko, I didn't recognize you in that uniform.

Oh, I don't recognize myself these days, sir.

Actually, on my arm, I may be an MP, but in my heart, I'm still multiple, sir.

So if you'll just sign this transfer returning me to my own platoon, sir.

That's right.

You're still an MP, and they're leaving tomorrow morning for North Dakota.

And good riddance, I say, sir. With them around the post, no one will say if

you'll just sign the transfer, sir. I wouldn't dream of depriving them of your

services. Why, the MPs need men like you.

And I don't.

North Dakota, sir? It's cold, isn't it? Walking to beat day, so you know I

chilled so easily.

You'll leave on the train tomorrow morning.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You forced me to do this.

Welcome to... Lose your requisition.

What are you doing? What's come over you?

Arrest me. What for?

Article 89, destroying government property, taken to the guardhouse for 30

I won't press charges. I want him on that train tomorrow morning. I'm sorry,

sir, but Amendment B to Paragraph 89 clearly states a man must save his time

the base where the crime was committed, sir. All right, but then you'll go to

North Dakota with the MPs. Not according to Paragraph 15J, sir.

15J? It clearly states that an MP convicted of any crime is automatically

ejected for the military police and returned to his home.

Please, sir, justice must be done.

Take the prisoner away.

I'll be all right, sir. Don't send me anything. I've got cigarettes. Thank

sir. I'll be all right.

Oh, well.

Thirty days in the guardhouse. That's something to be thankful for.

Who am I kidding?

He'll be out by tomorrow night.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Ronnie Graham as Skinny Sanders, Larry Storch,

Mickey Deems, Joseph Ellick, Roger Landry, and Bernard Reed as the Five

Bobsters. Diane Shannon as the girl, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Nick

as Captain Parker, Gordon Peters as the psychiatrist, and John Boroff as General

Caldwell.