Original subtitles

How am

I

doing, Hens? You're all packed, sir. Goodbye.

Oh, Chicago, you lucky city. Here I come. I may destroy the entire loop.

Volume two, the Midwest edition.

I may spread out the fourth weight, I don't know. Yeah, but look, Ernie, how

you going to go on leave with only four bucks in your pocket? Oh, I'm planning a

poker game for the night. I'll invite the usual Traveler's Aid Society,

Ritzik, and Coogan. But Sarge, they took a solemn oath never to play cards with

you again.

He's right, Ernie. The last time he won 13 hands in a row and Ritzik quit

forever. 13, that'll do it. They'll play again. You know how superstitious they

are. Superstitious, I don't get it. Look, all I got to do is convince them

is their lucky day.

Let's see.

I need my astrology book and the four -leaf clover.

But how come Ritzik is so superstitious? Oh, he explained it to me. You see, 15

years ago, he walked under a ladder. Sure enough, two days later, he was

married.

Ah, Rupert. There he is, fellas.

The Picasso of the pots and pans.

What do you want, Bill Cole? Oh, how does he do it? Day in and day out, he

performs his miracles.

With just those spices up there. Is that all you do? Oh, yeah. That spice up

there is the best one. Right there. Amazing. How does he perform this

magic day in, day out?

Save your breath, Bilko. I ain't playing tonight.

Well, how can you play? I'm leaving for Chicago first thing in the morning. Of

course, when I get back, maybe.

Nothing to do with it. I ain't playing with you no more till something happens

to change my luck.

You can't blame him for that. A man shouldn't play unless he feels lucky,

you agree? That's right. Sure.

Ooh.

What is it?

Nothing. Nothing. Stop.

Well, I'll run along. What time is it, Rocco?

Seven minutes after 11.

How do you like that?

It's 7 -11.

Well, I must be off.

Well, Grover, how are you? I'm not playing poker. Besides, you've got the

on me. Francis, what am I going to do with you? Whammy, hexes, superstitions?

You know you'll be trying to give me the evil eye. If I thought it would work,

Belko, you'd have disappeared long ago.

Oh, it works all right. I knew a guy in Haiti once who used to get such

headaches.

Don't kid about the evil eye. That's a serious thing with me.

See you later, fellas. What's the matter?

Grover, look.

What is it?

It's a four -leaf clover.

I didn't say anything to Bilko, but I found it in the soup.

No kidding?

Yeah. And what's more, it happened exactly seven minutes after 11.

7 -11? Yeah. That's the sign I've been waiting for. I've got to get Bilko to

poke a game tonight.

Hey, Grover, what are you thinking? Bilko accidentally gave me an idea.

What idea?

The evil eye.

Oh, you know how it works? Yeah, I seen it in a Lon Chaney picture.

Well, I don't think we should tamper with the mysterious supernatural forces

beyond the realm of human comprehension.

I saw the picture, too.

Hey, how are you, Coogan, old buddy?

Meet it, Bilko. I'm busy.

Wait a minute.

Where's your camaraderie for a fellow sergeant? I lost it last week, along

27 hard -earned bucks and a poker game.

Pal, it isn't my fault if I was born under a lucky star, is it?

Look at me telling him about lucky stars. He's an expert on astrology.

Isn't that right? So?

Well, it's a wonderful science, isn't it? I get my horoscope from an

up at Mount Palomar. It's wonderful. He seldom misses his faculty inside

information. Science! Stay here! Stay here! Oh, good. My horoscope got out. I

was afraid I wouldn't get here in time. You see, I'm leaving for Chicago.

I want to see if the stars say it's safe for me to travel. What does it say,

Ernie? Dear Scorpio, your financial star is in the ascendancy tonight.

Play your strongest game before Scorpio and Sagittarius meet.

What does it say about traveling?

Nothing. Oh, no wonder.

He's got it wrong.

I'm not Scorpio. I'm Taurus the Bull. That's funny. I... What?

Nothing, nothing.

Oh, darn it. Now I'll have to call my astrologist long distance. Come on.

Oh,

what a lucky break. Maybe Bilko isn't Scorpio, but I am.

Hello, Rittig?

Coogan? Listen, I got a hunch.

We gotta get Bilko on a poker game tonight.

Yeah. Yeah, Cougar. Tonight we're going to take him. See you later.

Rupert, how are you doing?

Pretty good. Let me try the evil eye on you. Oh, no.

Oh, just a small one, Rupert. I want to see if it works. All right, but be

careful. Okay.

I'll give the headache. See, you better stop.

That's what's going to happen when I give Bilko the evil eye with all my

Hey, Sarge, it's almost seven o 'clock and they're still not here. Relax,

they'll be here. You've got to have faith in their stupidity. Well, maybe

better go look for them, huh? Will you, will you? I said they'll be here.

Uh -huh.

Henshaw, let the moths in closer to the flame.

Oh, fellas, what are you doing here?

Friday night is our regular poker game. I know, but didn't you guys take a

solemn oath never to play again?

Oh, hey, you didn't take us seriously, did you? We were only kids. Oh, Friday

night poker's a tradition, Baxter.

I know, I know, but fellas, I'm leaving in the morning. There's a lot of packing

to be done.

A lot of last minute details, you know.

No,

suddenly it started to throb.

Oh, that's bad.

Ain't it, Grover?

Start, yeah, let's get started. Okay.

Gee, I don't know, fellas.

Fellas, I haven't planned on playing tonight.

Rocco?

I'm sure they must have heard.

Heard what, Ernie? That I broke a mirror today.

You and your four -leaf clover.

Well, your evil eye didn't work so good either.

Didn't, huh?

Well, I got a headache.

Oh, come on.

You're absolutely right, and I will do something about it.

Anything wrong, sir?

Bilko. He did it to Ritchie again.

Parker, we've got to stop him. We've got to stop Bilko from gambling. I've been

thinking about it, sir, and I've got an idea. It's rather extreme.

Forget it. We'll never let us get away with a firing squad.

Have you ever heard of Paul Drayland?

Paul Drayland? Yes, sir. He's a gambling consultant and one of the world's

greatest card manipulators.

Now, I have an idea that could stop Bilko from gambling once and for all.

Bilko stopped?

I'll be a hero at the penny.

the way to greet a sergeant. You sour pussy.

How are you, son? Fine. What's going on in the casino?

Poker game. Coogan, Ritz at Grover and Pavaloni.

Pavaloni? Yeah, new guy. Transit from Camp Davis.

Any money on the table? Isn't enough.

What are we waiting for?

You want to get it? Hiya, pigeons.

Hiya, heads. Look who's back. Oh, the big win from Chicago.

We're friends again.

You're new around here, huh?

Yeah, Pavaloni's the name.

Mind if I fit in?

Oh, lay off, Bilko. I've been winning for the first time in two years.

Ritzig is winning. Oh, this is one game I've got to be in. Why don't you wait

till you're asked, Bilko?

May I remind you, gentlemen, this is my room and you are my guests. What guests?

We gave Rocco a buck apiece for the use of the room.

How's Pavlone? Good play? Fair. Haven't played much lately.

Oh, you're lucky. Come on, cut the gab. Who deals?

Pavlone. All right.

Oh, this is... Wait a minute. You're getting so tense.

I heard of all thumbs. This kid's all wrists.

And it's quicker than the eye. It's simple as shovel. And you got him

See, and you give him a little extra diggy -zoo. And away we go, and the game

chance is on.

Thank you.

Jacks or better? Jacks or better.

So, uh, you collected four bucks, huh?

Oh, Bilko, how do you do it year after year?

Can I look, sir? Sure, baby. Come on, big noise. Now, what do you do?

He starts with the psychological warfare.

Oh, a sucker's grown his music to a gambler's ear. All right, gentlemen,

just start gently. I will open by betting $4.

I'll have to take a look. Easy, easy. I'm out.

I think you're bluffing, Bilko. Here's your $4.

And I raise you $4.

You poor soul.

It's only my sense of pity keeps me from clobbering you. I'll tell you what. I

will just see that $4. And you?

Hi, man.

He's a joiner? He joins.

Well, gentlemen, read him a week.

Three queens.

Hold it, Bilko.

Full house. Jackson.

Who did?

Who can you deal? Come on, deal. Deal. Hold it. Tempest.

Tempest. It's a new one. It's a sore winner.

Come on, come on, come on. Deal, deal.

All right, where do I get the car? Anybody's talking. Nobody deal. Deal,

Tepper, tepper.

What are you doing? Get some coffee. Don't just stand there. Get your...

Everybody leave. What do you mean?

What happened?

Riddick beat Bilko.

No. Hey, Flash, guess what?

Riddick beat Bilko.

Hey, go there. Did you hear? Riddick beat Bilko.

Did you hear the news?

Riddick beat Bilko. Oh, what a nuts. Yes.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Sure, Sarge. You just had a bad night. All champions have them.

Thanks, boys. I've made up my mind.

I'm retiring from gambling.

Here.

Hang this up forever.

And I've proved it, Rocco.

My reflexes are all gone. My timing is off.

I'd better quit now before I get taken by every bum that comes along.

That's the way it works.

One day you got it.

The next day, you're an empty shell.

Good night, boys.

I'm going to need some sleep.

Will you be all right, son? Yeah, thank you. Good night. Bye.

Good night, son. See you tomorrow.

Thank you, boys. Good night.

It's like me and me.

There's a shop in a drag around here since Bilko retired.

In fact, it sure is boring these days.

Yeah, well, once it was gay and then charming.

He's been gay more than the bilko since the night Ritzik beat him.

Terrible. He became an old man overnight.

Yeah, he was. You know the saddest part of it all? What?

Yesterday, he threw away all his hair tonics and electric vibrators.

You want to know something?

He gave me his toupee that he paid a hundred bucks for.

Huh?

It looks good on me.

I just haven't got the heart to wear it.

Hi, Rupert.

Hello, Grover. What do you say we get up a little poker game for the night?

Eh, what's the use? It ain't the same without Bilko. Yeah, nothing's the same.

What's the chow?

Some kind of stew, I guess.

I don't know.

I just don't.

Good morning, Padre.

Oh,

hello, Lieutenant.

You seem upset, Padre. Anything wrong?

No. No, it's just that I haven't been able to think of a subject for Sunday's

sermon.

There's been no gambling lately.

The men have been quiet and well -behaved.

What are you going to talk about?

I don't know.

I just don't.

Let's face it, Barker. The trick we played on Bilko has backfired.

Since he's been in this depression...

The morale at Fort Baxter has never been lower.

That's true, sir. We've got to do something.

But what?

I don't know, sir.

I just don't know.

I don't want to hear that expression again. Yes, sir.

I've asked Captain Hartley, the post -psychiatrist, to come over and help.

I'd do anything to get Bilko back to his old obnoxious self again.

Do you think a psychiatrist can help Bilko?

I don't know.

I just...

Here's your milk and crackers, Ernie.

Ernie?

Your milk and crackers.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, I'm sure.

Ernie! Ernie!

Ernie! Oh, why does he yell like that? Doesn't he know that I don't... Ernie,

Ernie, would you look at this picture in this magazine?

Oh, my... Listen, please, Ernie, would you look at this picture? Ernie, look.

You know who this is?

Pavaloni, right?

Ernie, please, now look underneath.

You know what his real name is?

Paul... Here, read it.

Paul Graylin, master card manipulator. How do you like that, Ernie? You've been

tricked.

Paul Graylin!

Rick, you didn't beat me.

Who? Who?

The colonel. The colonel? Of a Grover and Coogan. They were in on it, but they

wouldn't have nerve enough to put that guy in uniform.

Oh, give me my hat, quick.

And all is not forsaken. I'm going to face the colonel at this point. Keep

hot water bottle.

What am I, an old man or something?

Speaking as a psychiatrist, I can only tell you we must proceed with the utmost

caution.

Obviously, Bilko has suffered a traumatic experience.

His ego has been badly damaged.

I understand, Captain. Anything you say, I'll go along with.

To restore his feeling of self -confidence and security, we somehow

way to make him play cards again.

Oh, no. Then I've got to rehabilitate me that easy. I won't need this. What do

you mean, Sarge? I'm going to milk this.

Most important of all, sir, Bilko needs your personal attention and approval.

Approval? You see, Colonel, in cases of this kind, patient often retrogresses

emotionally. You, as head of the post or family, represent the father image to

Bilko the boy.

Captain, I'm not old enough to have a 40 -year -old son.

Come in.

Oh, Bilko, we were just talking about you.

About me?

You're looking fine. Just fine.

Thank you. Here, here, here. Sit down, son.

Thank you, Dad.

I mean, I know.

What did I call you Dad for?

Yes, yes, yes. I understand, Bilko.

How's Mrs. Hall?

She's such a lovely woman.

She's like a mother.

Well, Mrs. Hall is out of town.

Oh, Bilko, you haven't been yourself the past week.

Why don't you just stay around the barracks and rest for a while? Oh, sir,

the barracks. It's so cold and lonely.

It's warm and friendly.

You mean a home with someone to watch over you? Yes.

Yes. With someone to love me.

You mean my house? Oh, thank you, Dad.

That would be ginger peachy. Would you help me?

I'll just...

Colonel, please be patient with him. I think this will work out.

What are you guys doing here? Are you nuts or something? How's it going,

Oh, perfect.

I'm probably the only sergeant in the entire army. Got a colonel waiting on me

hand and foot.

Hey, Sarge, how long are you going to be here? Oh, I don't know until they

rehabilitate me.

Hey, you guys, get out of here. I think I hear Dad coming.

Bilko. Bilko.

Bilko. Oh, it's all right.

Here's your mortgage.

Oh,

sir. Why should I bother you and cause you all this inconvenience? I'll go back

to the barrack. Bilko. My colonel called.

Bilko. This is the doctor's suggestion.

Now stop worrying. Just get well.

I'll try, sir. I'll try.

Now, what would you like to do tonight? Would you like to play a game? How about

a little Parcheesi?

Parcheesi is nice.

Or maybe you prefer Domino's.

Domino's is nice.

Well, which one will it be?

Parcheesi?

Domino's?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Captain, this is beginning to get on my nerves.

The next thing you know, I'll be...

feeding Bilko Pablo and burping him.

Patience, Colonel, patience.

Now that the father image is firmly established, I think we're ready for

two of his rehabilitation.

What's that?

Getting Bilko to play cards again.

You see, Colonel, we have to ease him back into his old way of life.

Sure, why don't we have burlesque shows in the barracks?

Remember, a poker game brought on this trauma.

If you can get him to play cards again, he'll be on the road to recovery. And it

will raise the morale of his men as well.

Sounds right.

Where is he now? Oh, he's in the bedroom watching television.

Here you are, Colonel.

Good luck, sir.

Bilko!

Oh, Bilko!

Sonny!

Did you call me, Dad?

Bilko, have a look at these.

Wait till I can't stand the sight of them. Bilko, they're only cards.

Oh, please don't make me look at them. So please, please.

Come on, Bilko, be reasonable.

Don't look upon them as cards. Look upon them as 52 old friends.

Friends? Yes, they helped you make a living for 15 years.

Not so bad, is it?

You know, Bilko, a good poker game with your friends would be a real tonic for

you. And I'll give my permission.

Where will we play, sir?

Well, you could play in your room in the barracks. In the barracks? Oh, no, not

the barracks. Please don't send me back there, sir.

Well, how about the day room? The day room? Oh, no, not the day room, sir.

Well, where would you play?

Oh, no.

a poker game at the colonel's house with Bilko playing?

That's right. Are you sure it's okay?

It's a trap, I'm telling you. It's a trap.

Come on. It's all right. Look. Come on.

Oh, boy. Shut up, Bilko. Let me at you. We'll be with you in a minute, fellas.

Well, good evening, men.

Hey, it's all right.

Good evening. Good evening, sir.

You're probably surprised at a poker game in my living room. Oh, no, sir. But

you're sure you're not going to take away our stripes in case you lose? Oh,

not going to play. This is for Bilko's benefit.

Doctor's orders.

Now, sit down, and we'll get the game underway.

Yes, sir. Oh, Bilko!

Sir? Oh, oh!

Oh, Bilko, you're among friends.

Oh, sir.

Just, I... Just sit right down here.

Oh, oh, oh, we'll take the card shot. All right, Bilko, go ahead and play.

Sir, don't you think that I should be... Bilko!

Sir? Deal the card! Do I have to? That's an order! Yes, sir.

$46, I said.

$42. I'm cleaned out.

And all his IOUs. He won everything back.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Come in.

Good morning, sir.

Well, Philco, it was a grueling experience, but it was worth it. You're

right, and the post is back to normal.

Well, not quite, sir. What do you mean? May I show you, sir?

Come, come, easy, gently. Come on.

I'll be a loser all my life.

He's been this way for the past couple of days, sir. His mess hall is in a

complete state of inactivity. He hasn't prepared lunch or breakfast for the

post, sir. Shall I send for Cotton Hartley, sir?

Don't bother.

What's the matter, son?

I don't know, Dad.

I just... Also seen in tonight's cast

were Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzik, Jimmy Little as Sergeant Grover, Danny Dayton

as Sergeant Coogan, Fred Stewart...