Original subtitles

Hey,

who's the blonde with bilko? That's Lily Laverne.

Hey, leave it. I need to horn in on a picture of a couple of movie stars.

Hey, Marie, this side sure knows how to live, huh? Yeah, even if it takes every

cent we got.

He's supposed to be in Fort Riley. What's he doing away out in Chicago?

That's a good question. I hope the colonel doesn't think of it. Come on,

see Lily look.

At ease, you slaves.

Hey, Sergeant, did our money have a good time? Yeah.

Gentlemen, what can I tell you?

What a glo...

nightclubs, and you'll all be pleased to know that burlesque in Chicago is

better than ever.

What can I tell you about Miss Laverne? Only that she's at the peak of her

career. Hey, Sarge, did you take her out after the show? Yeah. Well, fellas, you

don't want me to answer these questions now.

You actually want me to tell you everything.

I'm going to try to tell you this as truthfully and as honestly as it has to

Now, Doberman, I'll have to leave you.

Oh, you're much too young.

Right after Lily's performance, I rushed backstage, and I want to tell you, I

had a terrible time getting to her dressing room. I had to claw my way

line of scantily clad choruses.

I didn't knock on the door. I burst right open. And then... There stood

Fully dressed and ready to go.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is just the beginning.

From there we went to this Viennese nightclub in the loop.

Candlelight. This girl loves candlelight.

Soft music was by the way.

It was swaying.

Softly.

whistling little things.

You know what she said?

No. And this little ear, she said, honey, we've got enough.

Quiet and listen, and you'll hear.

And in this ear, she whistled to me, honey, why don't we

go to my place?

So I say to myself, uh -huh. I hardly know this girl.

Should I go?

Or shouldn't I go?

Should I go?

Or shouldn't I go? Don't be a jerk. Go.

Well,

sir, we get to her apartment.

What, tonight's apartment?

I'm going to tell you the truth, Jimmy.

I don't know.

It was so dark.

This girl with candles?

Horsey, Horsey, we haven't left the post yet.

with the candlelight.

Soft.

Little radio plans.

I didn't ask her. But before I know it, I'm in her arms.

And she's holding on to me.

She's holding me.

I ain't holding up. She's holding me.

And that.

And that.

Then her mother came in and we had some coffee and cake and I went home.

What did you expect?

I can tell you more exciting stories about me and my wife.

What happened at the Chez Paris?

The Chez Paris?

How did you know I was in the Chez Paris?

We saw your picture in Life magazine.

What a night that was at the Chez Paris.

A picture in Life.

They knew a Lily Laverne.

They're famous, Sarge.

I'm famous.

My court -martial will make headlines.

those phony reports I've been sending in to the colonel? If he sees this, I'm

cooked. Well, what if the colonel don't see it? What are you talking about? He

gets life every week. He's bound to see it. Oh, I've got to stop him from seeing

this week's issue.

I don't mind being a 30 -year man, but not the Leavenworth.

You see this, sir? That's him. That's the man, colonel. I deny it. I never saw

this man before in my life, colonel.

Sir, I have a rule. I never play cards with strangers. I don't care what he

says. Have you seen this picture in Life magazine?

Picture?

Isn't that Reed Randall? Say, I do enjoy him in the movies.

Is that you? You don't look anything like him.

Not him. The soldier at the next table.

Soldier? What soldier, sir? Yes, a soldier in a nightclub in Chicago when

Oh,

I see what you're getting at, sir. There is a startling resemblance between that

soldier and myself, but surely, sir, you don't think that... But nothing.

That's you.

Sir, I never told you this, but I had a twin brother. When we were infants, a

roving band of gypsies swept down on our...

Goodness, it does look... Quiet, Bill Cole!

This is Mr. Larkin from an advertising agency in New York that for some strange

reason wants to use you as a model.

Advertise? Me? Model in New York? Forget it, Bill Cole.

You're not going to set foot off this camp for at least a year.

Sorry, Larkin. You're absolutely right, sir. Please, Mr. Larkin, convey our

regrets to your advertising agency and the Pentagon.

The Pentagon?

I would have thought you must have cleared your request.

Through the Pentagon. It's true, Colonel. We thought it would be better

through the proper channels.

And they promised you the fullest cooperation right down the line?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

Full cooperation?

I know how disappointing this must be to you, Mr. Larkin, but truly, you and

your associates must realize that the discipline of an army camp comes before

even the Pentagon and their tremendously important public relations.

I'll show you the way out. Wait a minute, Colonel.

No, Colonel.

won't have you sacrificing your integrity to please the whim of some

gentleman in Washington.

I'll be the judge of that. No, sir. You go back and tell them candle holes.

All the rules then, sir. Bill Cole. Yes, sir. You're going to New York. Is that

a direct order? It certainly is. I'll be ready in an hour. Bye.

If you get $100 an hour... Six hours a day. That's $600 a day.

Yeah, I guess that's right. Five days a week, that's $3 ,000.

Yeah. Hey, Sarge, that's $156 ,000 a year. Wow.

Not quite, gentlemen. You're forgetting I'm going to take two weeks off each

year. After all, my face, it'll get tired occasionally.

You want a little hair tonic? No, leave it fluffy the way it is.

Okay, Sarge, you're all back.

Where is Doberman? I can't leave without it.

Here, Sarge.

Here's your makeup kit. Well, there it is. You can't leave without the tools of

your trade, right?

Did you put the... Yeah, the eyelash curlers.

Don't be wise, guys.

We want you to be having long lashes if you don't exploit them.

Got my bag? Come on. Hey, Sarge, will you call us and let us know how you made

out? I'll try to, but you must realize, boys, all those photographers in New

York, they see a new face, everybody wants to get out of it. I might be quite

busy, but I'll think of you.

Madison Avenue, here I come.

the picture, Pete?

Distinguished elegance on one side, Mr. Average Mug over here. I get it, Mr.

Larkin. Don't worry, my dear, I'll find it.

Bilko, you're here. Sorry to be late, but that deuces barber took forever with

my massage.

I've seen some of your work in the Better magazine.

And this is Dennis Standish, our other model.

Pete, we'll work together fine. You'll find me very easy to get along with.

However, if I may give you a few suggestions. In your overhead lighting,

will watch the high cheekbones. I have extremely high cheekbones. I believe

Curtis has the same trouble.

I have no preference. However, if I had my druthers, as we say down south, I

would use the right profile. Now, you will watch my lashes. They are so

extremely long, they're at the cancer shadow, like that very cancer. Now, it's

about my mouth. That's going to be difficult to photograph. Why? It seems

always moving.

I'd like a little... Take over, Pete. Will you slip on this jacket, Bill? I'd

glad to. Get set up, Pete.

Now, in this picture, I want you and Dennis to be standing next to each

and with... Excuse me.

Dennis and I are in the same picture?

Yes, why?

Don't you want any contrast?

Don't worry, Bilko, there'll be plenty. I guess you know what you're doing.

Yes, that's right.

Now, in this picture, I want you and Dennis to be... Oh, would you take off

tie and unbutton the top two buttons? Oh, the bad chest idea. Very good. I

that. The virility bit. Very good. That's right. Now, here's the pitch,

In this picture, I want you and Dennis to be toasting each other. And at the

bottom of the ad, we'll have our slogan.

On Park Avenue on 10th Avenue.

It's Royal Oxford Smoking Jackets. Good slogan. I'll work on it for a while and

let's get going. All right, TV, go.

No, no, no, no, Bill, but you're on the other side.

The other side?

10th Avenue? That's right.

Oh, diamond in the rough. I got you. Very good. All right.

Uncle, what we want is the quality of that picture of you in Life magazine.

The simple, ordinary -looking man with the homely grin.

Me? Ordinary?

Yeah, we want a 10th Avenue quality.

Me? Homely? We want the common man.

You don't want a model. You want a common slob.

Exactly. What?

You know,

if I can swing them over to my theory, a man like you could become indispensable

to the agency.

Indispensable. Absolutely.

I'll give you just what you want. Fire away, Pete, any time. Wonderful.

Ready, Dennis? Yeah, I'm ready.

How's he look, Pete?

Terrible. Good. Shoot it.

Well, gentlemen, what do you think?

Well, I just hope Larkin knows what he's doing.

It's hard to believe that face will sell smoking jackets.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I see you're all very busy, chugging away to give a

new idea.

There it is, the picture. What?

I could have done much better. You can see what they gave me to work with. I

just... J .D., you must be rather busy, so if you'll just sign this contract,

I'll be off and running.

Contract? Contract? Well, this one picture is all we need.

Well, all right, then I'll give you a short -term contract.

Make... One picture?

Exactly. Well, even for a passport, you'd need two pictures.

But first, how do you test the idea?

Yes, send up a file balloon to get public opinion.

File balloon? Yes, you see, we pick a small, typical American town, and we

saturate it with this ad. Oh, posters, newspapers, the works. And if your face

sells our product, you can write your own ticket.

I see.

In other words, it means my career depends on what the small town says to

That's right, Philco.

Fascinating.

How do you go about selecting this?

Small town. Well, that's no problem at all. We just go to the heart of the

such as, oh, Iowa, Nebraska.

Oh, I see. Any typical town in Iowa, Nebraska, or Kansas.

That's right. Oh, which Kansas city do you intend to use? Well, now, that's no

problem. We just select them at random. Oh, you mean like Wichita, Topeka, or

Roseville? Yes.

Roseville.

Now, you think that Roseville, Kansas, a place which nobody ever heard of,

you're going to use that as a test fund?

Roseville, Kansas?

I find that rather ridiculous.

Uh, Bilko, I have been in this business for 30 years.

And when I say that Roseville, Kansas is a typical American small town, I know

what I'm talking about.

Now you know why this man is the head of the agency.

He makes a decision and sticks to it.

I'm sure you have my admiration, sir. Thank you, Bill Cowell. Now, Tom, you'll

get out to Roseville and stay right on the top of the steel test.

All right, pick another one.

Dear sir.

Just loved your smoking jacket ad. Hey, Ernie, you must be getting dizzy flying

Roseville to New York, New York to Roseville. The payoff is going to be

it. We can't leave anything to chance.

They're going to get a reaction to their ad that they never expected.

Oh, hey, you all set to go into Tanamara? Right. How about the platoon?

Now, I want them all tomorrow morning at Folsom's department store, 10 o 'clock.

They know what to do? Check. See if they get anything they need. Right. Now,

where was I?

Dear sir, just loved your smoking jacket ad. Yes. And who was the darling model

with the glasses?

Sign that, Mrs. Rochelle Barbella.

How much does that make? Oh, Bob, 35.

Better make it an even 50.

Take another. Write this one with your left hand so they won't recognize the

handwriting.

Smoking jackets in the army?

Yeah, it is, Ratcliffe.

Progress frightens them.

Did you ever hear of Major Zinzer?

No. Perhaps you remember him as Surprise Sergeant Zinzer. That is, before he

came up with the Eisenhower jacket.

And they made him a major?

You have a quartermaster manual here. Don't you ever read your own manual

it clearly states, surprise sergeants should use imagination.

In the ingenuity and confidence of our... Why don't you say that?

The rest of your life. But, Ernie, a smoking jacket.

Don't refer to it as a smoking jacket.

Think of it as the Pendleton jacket.

If any ruler tells the illicit man in his hour of comfort, but sit around in

underwear... Pendleton jacket.

phone calls so far? Yes, everybody's been asking about your smoking jacket.

Apparently, you're adding the bigs to that.

Well, that's very encouraging. Excuse me, Bob. Say, friend, where can I buy

of those smoking jackets? Right here, sir.

Great to relax in after you get through feeding the hogs. Make up for it with

your smoking jacket. Excuse me, Bob. I'll see you first.

Oh, your plush plow, boy. Be tentative. I'm not, Bob.

Excuse me.

I'd like one of them there smoking jackets. My wife said I look just like

there fella in the ass. Excuse me, Bob. I'll see you first. Oh, your plush. Hey,

nobody.

I don't have a smoking jacket.

Back in line. It doesn't make a difference. Green, red. I don't care. I

first. Gentlemen, please.

I was here first.

I really want smoking jackets.

Be tired of blankets.

A field test has exceeded our fundus hope. Yes, 27 smoking jackets sold in

two days. Hundreds of enthusiastic letters commenting on the ad.

Motivational research was right.

Faces like Bill Cole's in our ad. will sell, sell, sell.

Well,

you'll be surprised to hear that our field test has been a smashing success.

Well, isn't that interesting? I guess you were right about that, Tom. What was

the name again? Uh, Roseville, Kansas. Yes, I find it hard to remember that

name. Well, now, shall we get down to business? Are you ready to start posing

for us? Anytime you say, J .B. All you have to do is just sign this contract.

Yes, but what is this? A Bilko model agency?

J .B., I think you will agree that the trend in commercial advertising these

days goes away from the pretty boy type of model and leans more towards the

average mug type. Do you agree to that? Yes. Well, I'll have happy news for all

of you. I have cornered the mug market.

Yes, but let's have a sample of it.

Gentlemen, please, I can't just herd them in here like cattle. Each one has a

gem in his own right. They must be showcased and highlighted.

Gentlemen, are you ready out there?

And so we begin the parade of charm.

First, I would like you to meet, from Chicago, Illinois, 115 pounds of male

versatility, Choo -Choo Paparelli.

I can sing, too.

There you have it, Choo -Choo in New York. That sweet maturity of middle

Rusty Fender.

You see it, don't you? And here we have...

from Scranton, Pennsylvania, that million -dollar mug.

Jinx. Mullen.

You will all inhale, please. Take a deep breath, because we have

now the best of show.

230 pounds of male pulchritude.

Candy.

They would just sign that and we'd make our memoirs, boys. It's too late.

Splendid. You won't forget this, J .B.

That's how I drink beer. This is not a beer ad.

This is a high -class ad for a lit cork. Now, do you mind drinking out of the

glass? And don't wipe your mouth on your sleeve. Remember, you're an aristocrat.

Come on, give me a lot of class.

All right, get ready.

Take it.

All right, get ready for the soap commercial.

Here, Candy, hold it in this hand and give me a big smile.

All right.

sir, and yourself?

Oh, I feel wonderful, scientist.

It always happens when Bilko and his platoon go on furlough. I have something

for you, sir. Would you mind slipping into this jacket, sir? Oh, is it a new

uniform? Just try it, sir.

It certainly feels comfortable.

Now you just tie the sash, sir.

Sash?

I bought 50 of them, sir. I figured they'd be an improvement on those ugly

fatigues. You bought 50 of these with government money?

Yes, sir. I call it the Pendleton jacket, sir. Then I call it idiotic

Return these jackets at once.

But, sir, Bilko said that... Bilko said, Bilko said. Even when he's on furlough,

I can't escape him. Take that out of here. Yes, sir.

It sounds impossible. There's no doubt about it. These are the final sales

reports. Now, figures don't lie.

The smoking jacket campaign in Roseville was a complete and dismal flop.

Every order canceled.

Every jacket sold was returned.

The reaction was completely negative.

That bad?

Bad? It's almost as if the people of Roseville knew Bilko and resented him.

200 letters, each one praising a new report. Look, here they are. Yes.

Love that model with the glasses.

Let us have more like him.

Adored... Wait just a minute.

What's the matter?

Look at these postmarks.

They're all the same.

Fort Baxter, Roseville, Kansas.

Fort Baxter? Why, isn't that where Bilko... Gentlemen, we've been taken.

You have to do what I hate in this day of your creative stations.

But, J .B., it is the end of the week. Payday, you know. Oh, yes, I know.

And believe me, you're going to get everything that's coming to you. You

that, Candy?

Does that give you a warm glow all over? It shows you gratitude is not dead in

all people. Let me see. We have a sum here of $11 ,300.

If you'll just call your accounting department and okay this voucher, I

appreciate it. Milko, this campaign was a flop.

One week after your face appeared in the smoking jacket ad, sales in Roosevelt

dropped to minus 3%.

Oh, this session will all come back again, but I feel I should make some

gesture. Sir, we'll take the original sum of $11 ,300. We'll cut it right in

half, make it a flat $3 ,000. Bilko, those letters were a phony. The sales

a phony.

Why, you had the whole thing rigged. Sir, I wouldn't do business with a man

dares accuse me of such vile tactics.

I want nothing to do with you anymore, and so we'll make the whole thing

terminated for a flat $1 ,000. Call the accounting department at suspension

7311. Thanks.

Mildred, will you get me the district attorney's office, please?

I just want nothing.

We'll take our business to another agency. Run, Kenny. Run. Run.

Sir, it was just a trial balloon. They were going to... Quiet, Bilko.

How can I ever get it into your head that this is the Army?

We are soldiers, not lounge lizards.

Smoking jackets with sashes. The Pendleton jacket.

Sir, if the name bothers you, we can change it to the John Hall jacket.

Quiet, Bilko.

I never thought you would ever be caught dead wearing one of those sissy smoking

jackets. Oh, Mrs. Hall, I was just leaving. Wait a minute, Bilko. I haven't

finished yet. I'm sure you want to talk to Mrs. Hall, sir. It can wait. What I

have to say to you is more important. Yes, sir. Now, where was I? John, dear,

have a big surprise for you. Close your eyes. Oh, now.

John, look at the wonderful bargain I picked up for you at Folsom's department

store. Thank you, dear.

Now, look here, Bilko. You fight every scheme.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Frederick Tozer as J .B., Eric Rhodes as

Smithers, Dean Almquist as Franklin, David White as Larkin, and Sandy Kenyon

the photographer.