Original subtitles

And here are the orders, Colonel Holmes.

By the way, this report just came in from Washington, sir. Oh, uh -huh.

All post commanders.

Carrier pigeon training and breeding will be terminated as of this date.

Something wrong, Colonel?

Well, in order from the Pentagon, we're going to have to give up our carrier

pigeons. Well, I didn't know we had any, sir.

Yes, Sergeant Bilko's been looking after them. Bilko? Taking care of pigeons?

That's why I hate to give them up. It's the only decent thing he's ever done.

And here they come around the Colonel's office, and it's ring -ding -ding -ding

-ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding

-ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding

-ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding -ding.

Adjusting the binoculars.

Finishing line. And it's winded by a big...

And coming up second is Hasty Bell. And third is Scatterbrain. And that result

is official.

How about that race? The winner, Wingding. All right, boys. Here's the

Wingding. Who has Wingding? Right here. Come on. Hey, I'm off. Hey, I'm off.

What about Shady Lady?

How about Shady Lady? Not yet, Sarge. No sign of her, huh? Well, I guess the

poor thing ran the other way. Hello, little baby. You ran a wonderful race.

right, fellas. Don't forget tomorrow.

Same time, same place. The 20 -mile pigeon stake race. Bring money, you bird

lovers. Hello.

Pull him out, Doberman. Very gently. He's had a tough race. Walk him gently.

How did we do?

$5 .20.

Splendid. That means we got $86 in the Jaguar fund. All we need now is $275 for

the down payment, and our Jaguar is ours.

Sarge, Sarge, I've been thinking. The Jaguar's only a two -seater, and there's

12 of us. So how can we all use it? Very simple. I worked it out with algebra.

We alternate.

Don't you see? Monday, I have the Jaguar. Tuesday, it's yours, Fabrelli.

Wednesday, I have it. Thursday, Little Hencho has it. Friday, I have it. And on

Saturday, to show no favoritism, we toss for it. That's fair.

You're going to fight without you?

Those pigeons were a blessing. Without them, we'd have no chance of getting the

car. They're like a trust fund. A trust fund. Those little dogs, they're weight

in gold. Not only that. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to breed them

and then raise them cross -country. Cross -country. Big red. This may

the trotters.

It's so important to read. I'm talking to you. All right, I'll read it.

Carry a pigeon training and breeding will be terminated of this date. I have

read it. Are you happy now that you interrupted? Not only that, I'm going to

a daily double. Tell the fellas if they want to bet one entry, they've got to

come.

Carry it. Oh, I get it. It's a little rib.

I'm sorry, young 'un.

I must be sorry about it. It's very obvious. Somebody in Washington is out

get me. Oh, sir. No, no, no. Some big shot, nothing to do. Sit at his desk.

shall we do today? Let's take away Bilbo's pictures, but he ain't getting

with it. Oh, no. Let them show some efficiency.

There's a sky full of sunlight.

What do they want with my little pictures? No,

no.

I work these things out. They don't push me around. It's still America.

No, sir. Sorry. Sorry.

Come in.

Sir.

I knew you'd feel this way about the pigeons, Bilko. And after all the years

loyal servants of their government, getting messages in where none can get

sir, are they now to be used and cast aside like an old shoe, sir?

I know, Bilko, but I can do nothing about it. Nothing? Are they to be torn

my side, my breath, my life, my children? Yes, my children.

I've raised these with better funding, sir.

Bilko, I'm going to do something about it.

Edna, get me the Pentagon.

General Trinker.

I'm going to talk to them, Bilko. I see no reason why you couldn't keep them as

pets. You see, people do care. Oh, sir, I knew it. Under that stern soldier's

exterior beats the heart of a true bird lover, sir.

I watched them today.

Oh, did you, sir? They were beautiful as they circled in and flew into the

barracks. Hasty Bell, followed by Wing Ding. No, no, sir. Wing Ding won. Hasty

Bell placed and Shady Lady ran out of the way.

Belko. Sir, it's just a figure of speech. I know. I heard it at Santa

that's what you've been doing.

Bracing the pigeons and betting on them. Sir, look at it my way. Just a little

harmless amusement to keep the men out of trouble, sir. Quiet, Belko. I want

to follow the army directive and get rid of those pigeons immediately.

Yes, sir. If I see a pigeon around here after tomorrow, I'm going to break you

down so far you'll be saluting privates.

In Alaska.

Mr. Hoggett? Yes? I'm Sergeant Bilko. I called you about the pigeons. Oh, yes. I

hope you still have room for them. Of course.

My, what beautiful birds. Yes, sir. I know this is going to be a great loss to

you, Sergeant. Well, I'll find another rack.

Another hobby. One of my hobbies.

Don't you worry. We'll take very good care of them. I'm sure you will. Now,

we'll just fill out this form.

Yes, sir.

Donor? Master Sergeant Ernest Bilko.

Ernest Bilko.

A gift? Yes.

Classification. Let's see.

Two seons. Yes.

Oh, and true happiness.

Estimated total value, $200.

As long as the little darlings have a home, I... Did you say $200?

Oh, don't bother writing anymore. No, this is a terrible wrench to me. I can't

part with it. But, Sergeant... No, I appreciate you wanting to take them off

hands, but I can't live without the dice. I don't understand. Well, try to

it from my viewpoint.

It isn't the value... What did you say they were?

Two hundred dollars. Take the cake.

Take the cake.

No, you've been swell, but I can't... Let me see my sandpiper, sapsucker. I

found it! I found it! Look, there's one of our pictures to see on.

The sea on a breed of homing pigeon developed by a French pigeon fancier.

known to... Well, keep looking. Look for the half of it, then we're in business.

Who's that?

Don't open it. Wait a minute. Hey, Sarge, here's a first seed you sent me

buy. Can I feed them now? You sure this is good stuff?

It's the best I had in the shop.

I can't be too sure. I wish there was some way I could make sure this is the

right expensive stuff. We've got real... Wait a minute.

Oh, Pender, prior to the quartermaster, you're talking about.

Pender.

He's crazy. You just can't give him anything that... What do you want? Oh.

Fender, it's true that you have a very delicate stomach, isn't it? Oh, you said

it. If the milk turns slightly sour in the mess hall, you're the person who

knows it. Please. And if we have one overripe apple in the applesauce, what

happens to you? I'm up all night. Good. Yeah, Nathan. What is it? Bread seed.

Bread seed?

My stomach, that means suicide.

Look, we have to make sure if you can eat it, the pigeons can eat it. Come on.

What's the big deal with the pigeons all of a sudden? Up to now, they've been

eating stale bread.

Hold your tongue. These are not just dirty pigeons that fry around in front

libraries. These are very expensive bread, Nathan.

Please, sir. I've given you an order. Take them.

Well?

Well, it was a steady diet. I wouldn't care for it. But it's all right. All

right? It's delicious. I bought a package for myself.

All we need is you. Come on.

Run.

Where are you going? The water cups are empty. I've got to fill them.

Just don't fill them with ordinary water. Why don't you try to kill my

Taste it. The water, too? Taste it.

Well?

Not bad, but I like it a little warmer with a little lemon. All right.

What's happening here?

Stick around, because I may need a food taster. Don't leave the barracks. Ernie,

Ernie, I found it. There it is, the other one. The happiness.

Rare, intelligent, delicate, strikingly mocked.

Perfect. Now we've got to find a customer and get rid of him and get him

post. If the colonel finds him on the post, I'm sunk. Look, there's nothing to

worry about. There's a whole list of pigeon collectors here in the back.

Kansas, Leavenworth, Kansas. Here it is, Rosalind. Hey, there is one. George

Baker Collingsworth III.

George Baker Collingsworth III?

That sounds like more than a pigeon fancier to me.

This, to me, sounds like a pigeon. Do you understand?

I'd like to go there by bus, and we will come back by Jaguar.

Well, little angels, goodbye. I found you a new homie. You'll be very happy.

remember, when you're up there flying around and you see me down there driving

the Jaguar, be careful.

No, thanks, son. He was just waiting to see your father.

Oh, Gertrude said you wanted to see me.

No, no. He's a cute little tyke.

You're not George Baker Collinsworth III, are you? Yes, sir.

Figures. There goes the car. Go on. Do business with the kid, huh? Come on,

let's get this started. Oh, look at these beautiful pigeons.

And seance, too. Kid knows.

He knows. Boy, are they beauties. Gee, I'd love to add them to my collection.

I'm sorry, son. We can't trade stamps for valuable goods. Just a minute. Just

second. Father!

Father! George II, I think it's been brought right to the top. They are

aren't they, son?

What is it? Look, Father, I have innocent seance.

Hey, they are beautiful, Bert.

Yours, Sergeant? Well, they don't have to be. Oh, please, Father. My birthday

next week. Can I have these for my present now?

Well, happy birthday, little Georgie. You are a lucky boy to have a fine dad

like this.

Well, all right. How much are they, Sergeant? Well, there's the feeding, the

cost of housing, and the night I sat up them when they were sick. Of course,

that's just sentimental value, but I'll let them go for $275.

Oh, but they're only $50 each in the catalog.

Oh, you do read the catalog. Well, you can't convince a little boy about

sentiment, now, can you? Well, I'll let them go for $200.

But it is a thrust to let her... Goodbye, little friend, and I'll miss

don't forget, when you're in here, you'll behave yourself.

Thank you very much. Goodbye, little friend and Georgie. Keep them flying.

to see you.

You understand what I'm talking about? You understand?

Will you hold still so I can mark the buttonhole? Never mind the hole still. I

want the shoulders full.

When I make the quick turns of the jaguar, I want freedom. And you know

seats are very low when I'm down there.

Zooming along, I want freedom.

Off the gas while I mark this thing up. One thing that's very important, the

right speed. I want it long. When I have my arm around the young lady, I don't

want any chilly wrists.

You understand?

I'm looking for your foot. Now.

This coat must be Russian. Why is it always a rush with you? Listen, Sarge,

what's the big rush? We ain't even got the money for the car yet. We're still

bucks short.

We're going to get a hold of some more birds.

Never mind. Make an announcement. We're running a New Year's Eve dance.

But, Sarge, that's not for months yet. So what? We'll say it's the Chinese New

Year. Get out the Japanese New Year. They'll give you some prices on chop

in bulk.

Bender, let's look at this in the sunlight.

It's going to be all right. Don't. I want to see.

Another day.

Just like being in the army with Fred Astaire.

The pigeons.

They're back.

Of course they're back. They're homing pigeons.

We've got to tell Ernie. No, it doesn't sing of the open road. It has no sound.

It's the fundraiser. You'll never guess what happens.

What's that?

Sir, oh.

Oh, my aunt knitted this for me, sir. She's a wizard with a needle, sir.

she could make you one, sir. In nutmeg? Oh, can't you see the Colonel in nutmeg?

Try it on for size. Never mind.

Milko, I just dropped by to make sure that you got rid of those pigeons.

Sir, you gave me an order and that order was obeyed. However, if the Colonel

would like to see for himself... Move him, Sergeant Bulko! Please! You're

of attention. I won't have laxity here.

See you!

No, that'll be all, Bilko. For once, I know you're telling the truth. Thank

sir. And I don't think you'd want to risk being broken and sent to you -know

-where.

Thank you, sir.

All right, so what's so important? I need it back. Who's back?

The pigeons are back.

The pigeons are back? Sure, they flew in just after you left. The pigeons are

back? They're homing pigeons. They must have got away from the kid.

Well, we've got to get them out of here before the colonel sees them and I'll

become Private Bilko of the Yukon. Come on.

See? Get the case. We've got to deliver him again. What am I doing? I don't

know. Get rid of him. Hurry, hurry. They came back to daddy, didn't you?

Oh, he smoked the colonel. Alaska, here I come.

Hey, Ernie.

Hey, Ernie, can I buy the jeep? I've got a date with Gladys.

You know the rate. Ten cents a mile. Fine. Gladys is working.

Come on, let's get out of here. Are these the pigeons you've been racing?

I had wolves have ears.

Gee, I had pigeons when I was a kid.

They're pretty.

They sure are.

Cool. Cool.

I like to see that. I like to see a man who likes pigeons. And for that reason,

you can have the lot of them for $50.

Yeah, but Ernie, you know... I know, Rocco. But if I want to sell the pigeons

a loss, that's my business. What am I going to do with pigeons?

Use your imagination.

Come here.

One night, it's got to happen.

One night, Gladys wakes up from a deep dream. Who is she dreaming about?

She's dreaming about you, Francis.

She longs for you.

She longs for your lips.

Gladys, dreaming of me. Yes.

Can she get in touch with you?

Do you have a phone in the barracks? No.

But with these little ring messengers of love, a note hot from her feverish

little hand can reach you in five minutes.

Is that worth $50?

All right, let's not keep these lovers apart any longer. Give the man his

pigeons. Wait, I'll get the money. Good, they'll be waiting for you in the Jeep.

Come on. Ernie, are you nuts? You can't sell these pigeons to Grover. They

belong to little Georgie the third. And little Georgie will have them back. Come

on. Yeah, but how?

How? They're like boomerangs. A minute Travis opens the window, they'll be back

here in five minutes, and then we can deliver them to Georgie. Come on. Yeah,

but Ernie, is that honest, selling the same thing twice?

Why, are you the better business bureau? What?

Dear Francis, would you please quit bothering me? I never want to see you

Sincerely, Gladys.

Get you right in here. Come on, Ernie. Let's get the birds back to little

Georgie.

How close are we to making that down payment on the Jaguar? We need another

bucks. Well, the merchandise is back. The store is open. Let's look for a

customer. But Ernie, you can't do that to the kid.

Look, little Georgie will get his pigeons back. Yeah, but by the time he

them, he'll be big Georgie. Look, one more round for the pigeons and that

is going to be ours.

You still got that note from the colonel prohibiting the pigeons? Yes, sir. I'm

going over to see Mitch if you come with me. Get the pigeons in a cage. This

will be Operation Breathless.

Do what like we did it. You come running in and... Come in.

Reuben, I'm glad you're home. This is your lucky day. I'm going to do

for you. You'll be thanking me for the rest of your life. Oh, it's you, Bilko.

What could it be? A burglar.

I'm not doing business with the man. That has a sense of humor. You're not

to do any business with me, Bilko.

Whatever it is, I'm not buying. You don't have to buy anything. This is a

Well, practically a gift. Uh -huh. Now, you see these pigeons?

I've been making 20 bucks a week racing them. You know that. Yes. So I'm going

to sell them to you for $100. In one month, you'll have your money back, and

then I'll have a spare profit.

What's wrong with them? Are they stuffed?

They look lively, active, clear -eyed.

I like it. That's why I'm willing to give them to you for a hundred bucks.

Come on, now. You get out of here. Now, wait a second. Oh, Ernie.

Ernie. I've been looking all over for you. This order just came through from

colonel about the pigeons. I know. I know. Why did you have to come here? Oh.

Oh. Like I was saying, I'll give you these pigeons. Wait a minute. What was

about those pigeons? Nothing at all. I could kill you. I could kill you. Hey,

let me see that order. What order?

Yeah, this order here.

So the colonel made you get rid of these pigeons.

You... You... Well, now you know. I had to get them off the post. That's why I'm

willing to sell them to you for a hundred bucks because you'll live off

post. Oh, no, you don't. You've got to get rid of these pigeons and you'll take

whatever you can get.

You had us do. You came in with the... All right. My back is against the wall.

What are you offering me from? Twenty -five dollars. Take it or leave it.

Well, I'm stuck.

I guess I'll have to take it. Here's your twenty -five dollars.

What are you driving on? Give me those pigeons. Here are your pigeons.

And you thought you could outsmart me.

But Gladys, baby, why haven't I heard from you?

Grover, will you get off that phone? It's for official business only.

This is official business.

What? You did send me a message?

Send another little courier of love?

What? All the pigeons are gone?

Well, I haven't seen them.

I'll look again and call you back.

Hey, Billy, would you do me a big favor?

Sure. We brought off a few copies of these. I didn't make me a graph machine.

Okay. Thank you.

Come one, come all, big pigeon race?

Yeah, what about a big pigeon race?

Oh, yeah, I got my old stable.

Where did you get the pigeons?

Oh, from Bilko. Remember those four he was racing? What a sucker. I bought it

for only $25.

You're lucky it cost me $50.

You got pigeons, too? No, we got pigeons, too.

What are you talking about?

Fort Baxter Headquarters.

No, Sergeant Bilko isn't here. Who's calling, please?

George Baker Collinsworth?

No, I don't know anything about the pigeons.

Pigeons? Give me that phone.

Hello, this is Sergeant Bilko's best and dearest friend.

What was that about pigeons?

What?

How much?

Why, you poor kid.

I'll see that he gets a message.

Hey, what's going on? Rupert, we got Bilko just the way we want. Before he

us the birds, he sold this kid for $200.

What a sucker. I already paid $25.

Oh, you don't understand.

If Bilko hasn't the pigeon to give back to this kid, he's out $200 and he's in

big trouble.

So? So?

Any sight of Bilko yet?

No, but they'll be here any minute.

I better hide these pigeons. I'll take them out back where they can't see them.

Good.

I can't wait for them to get here. This is one that a Bilko will never forget.

Now, let me see the seating arrangements.

Let's see. Henshaw, Rucko, Bilko, Bilko.

Put the birds on the back porch. You'll never be able to hear them. I can't wait

to see the look on Bilko's face when he thinks he's eating those pigeons.

Now, remember, Rupert, this is serious.

Here he is. Here's Bilko. Bilko.

Bilko.

Together.

Hey, Ruck! Henshaw!

Hey, Robin, it's nice of you to invite us over to dinner. What's the occasion?

Oh, no special occasion. I just thought birds of feathers should stick together.

Francis,

will you help me serve?

Sure.

Wendy, I don't get it. First you sold the pigeons to Grover. Then you sold the

pigeons to Ritzig. And they didn't say a word about it. Would you relax a

minute? Ritzig races those pigeons. They'll come right back to the barrack.

All right, food time.

We're ready.

Let's have it.

Oh, thank you. Here are hats.

What is it, Rupert? Voila.

Bob Nolans. Help yourselves, boys. Dig in.

Eat hearty, boys. Thank you, Rupert. Are you eating? Yeah, as soon as everybody

gets served. Wait a minute.

Only 12 of them? Yeah, that's all I had.

Or? Yeah, but the big pigeons.

Squabs. What is it?

Shady lady.

Uh -uh. No, he's got shady lady. You got weak thing. Weak thing? What's wrong?

Squabs. Squabs.

Why did you?

Oh, you.

Fiend you. Do you know what you'll be called from now on?

The mad butcher of Fort Baxter.

Oh,

did he

fall for it? Hey, what do we do now?

Listen, is your friend Frank still in company, Dean? Yeah.

You sure Bilko never met him? I'm sure.

Good. I'm going to get the pigeons off the back porch and we're going to pay

Frank a little visit.

Bilko's right in there.

Now remember the deal.

Don't take less than I told you.

Good luck.

Poor Georgie. How am I going to tell him that those two rats drove over and

ritzigated his pigeon?

Well, you're going to have to tell him something. How? How can your face...

in. How can you tell a little kid... Judge Bilko?

I'm Frank Bishop, company D. Yeah? I understand you have some pigeons here.

Yeah, yeah. See, I got a problem. I got these pigeons I have to get rid of

because of the colonel's orders. Oh, oh. Are they good pigeons? Oh, they're very

good pigeons. Two Havnits and two Seons.

Havnits and Seons. Oh,

it's a cinch. I was going down to visit mine. They're at the zoo. I'll take

yours and mine. I'll take them down there myself. You don't understand, pal.

It's no trouble at all to take them down right there. I don't want to put you in

any trouble, sir. Now, look. I'm so crazy about taking them down, I'll pay

for it. How much?

Five dollars.

Five dollars?

What do you think is fair? Two hundred and thirty -five bucks.

Two hundred? Now, you.

Get the money.

Sarge, get him the money.

But Ernie, what about the Jaguar?

What about little Georgie, huh?

Would you like to face little Georgie? Yeah.

Here's your money, you thief.

Sarge, did you find my pigeons? Georgie, I got a surprise for you. There they

are. Look, Bob, it's my pigeons. My very own pigeons. They're better. George,

George, Georgie, in all fairness, I must tell you, they're not the same pigeons,

but they are, have not, and see on. Oh, but they are the ones I bought. I can

tell by the markings. No, he's so excited.

Oh, look, he's winging with the stripes. No, he's too greedy. He's a shady lady

with the top of his head. Where's Sadie, lady? Right there.

But she's right.

There's Whitney.

I didn't look closely. It is them. They're all right. They weren't even...

the Grover and Ritzick.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, there'll be a postponement this year

for the Jaguar. However, the manufacturers assure me that next year's

will be much better. I'm believing they'll be worthwhile.

What are you guys made up for? Just drop by to say hello.

Yeah, we want to invite you to dinner. We're going to have squab.

Come, Robert. We must have keep Gladys waiting.

Ta -ta.

There they go.

Squab.

They're getting into our Jaguar.

Archie, you're kidding.

That's it.

Nothing else can happen to me. Sarge, when your luck gets this bad, it just

to change.

Press coming. Press. And set.

That is. Thank you, sir.

Bilko, some boy's been calling my office about pigeons.

Are those pigeons still here? Oh, no, sir. I've straightened the matter out

the young boy, sir. If you don't mind, I'll look for myself.

Oh, please do, sir.

But of course, sir. Look to your heart's content.

The box the birds were kept in is not the windowsill, sir.

All right, Bilko. I'm satisfied.

Thank you, sir. Now, once and for all, we're rid of those ugly suspicions,

aren't we, sir?

What was that?

What?

No, I didn't hear a... Did you hear a... I didn't hear a... Quiet!

Thank heavens it's over, sir.

This wait will be off my mind. Something I should have done at the beginning.

Tell you everything, sir.

I know it looks bad for me.

With the compassion that you are known for, sir, I know you will understand

happened to me. It's a misadventure, sir.

In my yearning to do good, I ensnared myself in a series of events I couldn't

get myself out of, sir.

There was Ritzig and Grover, sir. They were concerned.

Innocently, of course, sir, in their boyish prank, they involved me in a

of events I couldn't tear myself. And so now, here I am, forced to beg your

forgiveness, sir, for something I never intended to...

David Bilko of the Yukon reporting, sir.

Also seen in tonight's show are Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzy, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, Ralph Dunn as Mr. Huggins, Dort Clark as Frank, Pud

George Collingsworth III, Phil Fabersham as George Collingsworth II, and Bob

Hastings as Lieutenant Anderson.