Original subtitles

some requisitions for you to sign.

I'm not feeling very well, Edna.

I think I'll just sign these and go home.

There's not much at all, sir. Just these rosters and these travel orders for

Sergeant Bilko.

That's right.

Bilko has to go to Detroit to pick up those new trucks.

I wish I could send someone else, but what can I do? He's sergeant of the

pool. I'll see that these rosters are distributed.

I hope you feel better soon, Colonel.

Thank you, Edna.

Good morning, sir. Good morning. Oh, stomach acting up again, sir. Small

when one considers the huge burden of responsibility on your shoulders, sir.

Quiet, Bilko.

Here are your orders and the requisitions for that convoy of trucks

pick up in Detroit. I want you and your men back here in two days.

Sir. I don't know I should go with you in failing health. Suppose you called

me from your bedside so you reached out your hand and I wasn't there. Never mind

the bedside manner, Bill. I don't want a repetition of what happened last year

when you went to Detroit. You were gone a whole week.

So those were extenuating circumstances, sir.

Like the World Series?

We had this box at the ballpark, and he insisted that we go, sir.

Insisted? Nonsense. Sir, as much as we hated to go, we had to consider army and

civilian relationships, sir.

Philco, you're not going to Detroit as a goodwill ambassador.

I want you to pick up those trucks and be back here in two days.

Sooner, sir.

Sooner, if humanly possible.

Philco? Conditions are every moment away from you will be tortured, sir. If

there's anything we can do, anything, sir.

There is, Philco. Just name it, sir. You can be back in two days.

Really, sir, you are a remarkable man. You are your body wracked with pain, and

you take time out for a joke. No wonder that all of you out there, they worship

you, sir. That'll be all, Belko.

Yes, sir. Remember?

Two days. Yes, sir.

Marlon, dress that suit. Yes, sir, sir. Dino, give me a high buff.

Sarge, I got your tuxedo. Give it to Hunter. He'll pack it. Here, Sarge. Your

sport jacket.

With the pleats? Nice. Pack it. Okay. Good boy.

Here, take a tiny train reservation to Detroit.

Get him where I want him, between the club car and the dining car? Check.

Well, we won't have to walk while we're traveling. Hey, you tennis racket, son!

Look,

Ernie, if the colonel says you've got to come back in two days, what are you

taking all this stuff to Detroit for?

Yeah, what are you going to use for a stall this time?

What is this, panic all of a sudden?

Little univac up here, think of something.

I don't know. Detroit is near Canada. I may arrange a border skirmish.

All right.

All right.

I'll accept the fact that my son has to be inducted into the army, but the idea

of Roger K. Bellman Jr.

being inducted as a private is ridiculous.

A boy with natural -born leadership.

Get off this desk. All right, but I still think it's a lot of nonsense.

Excuse me, Mr. Bellman, but the soldiers from Fort Baxter are here to pick up

the truck. We'll make them sign a receipt and get them on the way at once.

Soldiers are natural loafers.

Every minute they waste is money out of the taxpayer's pocket. That's right,

Dan. Well said, Junior.

You're beginning to sound like a bellman now.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Get those soldiers moving with the trucks. Yes, sir.

All right, then. Let's get those trucks rolling.

Remember,

the general wants us back in two days. Let's see if we can beat that mark by a

half a day. Oh, I'm terribly anxious to get back to camp. So what do we have to

do to get out of here? Just sign this receipt.

Oh, anxious, anxious. Where do I sign? Here. Oh.

I'm sure everything's all right, but might as well make sure that

100 % certain. Let me see that measurement. Oh, it's just a formality.

go through this as a matter of course. You can... Down!

Off the charts! Everybody, off the charts! What's the matter?

What's the matter indeed?

Those wheelbases are a sixteenth of an inch off. We allow up to an eighth of an

inch tolerance.

Oh, do you indeed? You allow.

You allow? You want to jeopardize the lives of the American soldiers who ride

those trucks? This is the one thing I wanted to avoid. Staying in town

overnight. Call the book Cadillac Hotel. Get the same reservations we had last

year. Send the bill to the Belmont Motor Company.

Sixteenth of an inch. I'm afraid I ask any more questions.

Did you look at the seats? I did. What are they?

Plastic, Sarge.

Look at me and tell me you're laughing.

Plastic? You're serious?

Plastic seats?

How dare you? You expect the men who are defending you and the rest of the

nation to sit on plastic seats?

You can stay in line to go to the Cha -Cha -Cha floor show.

Now, who cares, Sergeant, about those seats? We found that plastic is more

durable. Oh, did you indeed?

Did you indeed? But may I assure you that I was sent here to bring back

with leather seats and by that, just what I'm going to bring back.

We'll find out if the Detroit Tigers are playing in town.

But just, Sergeant Bilko. Sergeant, these windshield wipers. Oh, I'm afraid

hear this. What about the windshield wipers? They work from the top.

From the top?

Top and center specification state.

The windshield wipers must work from the bottom. Any schoolboy knows that. Yes,

you're right, but these are just as good.

Oh, just as good indeed.

May I remind you you're discussing United States Army vehicles.

What are you trying to bring down on us? Another Pearl Harbor? What's this got

to do with Pearl Harbor?

Oh, if you think you're going to get vital information out of me, you've got

another case.

The oil maintenance jack's on the left side of the steering wheel.

It was a sixteenth of an inch. And the plastic.

Did you test the horn?

Let me hear the horn.

Oh, no! What's the matter? What's the matter? That horn has a distinct foreign

sound. It seems to be saying, Achtung!

Achtung!

Gentlemen,

I guess I've given the Belba Motor Company enough work to keep them busy

week or so.

We'll just have to find ways to amuse ourselves while we're here.

I think we can.

What? Here,

here, here.

Sergeant's always first. Remember that, Pete?

Sergeant's first in war, first in peace, and first in line on the telephone.

Well, hurry up.

the shame those trucks were a shade off, but c 'est la guerre, c 'est la guerre.

I would overlook these small faults, but I'm just a soldier under instruction,

sir. This must be your boy. Well, of course he has to be your son. Same

blue eyes, same chin.

Chip off the old block, eh? There's nothing wrong with those trucks.

Now stop wasting a taxpayer's money and get those trucks back to your camp. Mr.

Bellman, may I assure you, my men and I are very anxious to get back to camp.

What is there to hold us here? A strange city where we are lonely and don't know

a soul? All right, sugar baby, honey, darling.

That's during business hours, Pat Riley. You'll talk to your mother later.

He's such a devoted son. So you're going to play it the way you did last year,

eh? So you're going to stick me with all those hotel bills? Just doing my duty,

Mr. Bellman. Because I... Dad, dad, dad.

be confident you would, sir. He's a strapping boy. But while it's being

you're not going to have a good time on my money. You and your man are going to

sleep right here in the factory. I'll order the cots to be put in the truck.

is a chip off the old block. And you're eating your eight meals right here, too,

in the cafeteria.

Oh, he's a good boy. He's growing, isn't he, sir? Right you, Junior, with that

kind of thinking.

Maybe you can show them how to cut waste when you go into the army.

What's this? Junior going into the army? Yes, in 60 days.

Oh, the army can use boys like him.

I wish I could pull strings to put them in my platoon.

Well, you're not going to have any party. You won't be told.

You went for it, and you're going to get it. Come, son. I hope you enjoy your

stay in Detroit.

Oh,

no, this is no time for brawn. This is a time for brains. Yeah, but Sarge,

eating in the cafeteria?

Yeah, sleeping on cots. At least we had her come to Detroit. Come on, let's go

home. Please, let me handle Bellman.

Have you forgotten my little invention?

The kit? The kit? Oh, no. The kit, Sarge. That's no good.

But, Sarge, the fentanyl can't turn it down six times. Look, the army may be

smart to use it, but, Bellman, that's another thing.

Let me handle it.

In reply to your letter of the 14th instant, I wish to advise you to come

Mr. Bellman, excuse me for being presumptuous enough to come in this way,

sir, I couldn't contain myself any longer. I must... Shake your hand, sir.

I've spent the greatest part of my life in the army, sir. I never thought I'd

live to see the day I find a man who abhors waste as much as I do, sir. Oh,

at times I've become discouraged. I never thought I'd find that man. But,

here you are. And by George, I must shake your hand, sir. What are you

about? You knew the joy I experienced in this vast forest of bureaucrats to

be... Met by a man like you. A man who has it in his power to become one of the

biggest men in the country. Oh, yes. No heights are too far for you to attain,

sir. Including the presidency, sir.

Presidency? What are you talking about?

Mr. Bellman, come now. You're much too shy.

You're the only man I can entrust with my plan. Plan? What plan?

Top, top secret, sir.

Oh, yes.

I know she's there, sir. I notice her all the time.

How long has she been with you? That's what he is. That's not long enough. I'm

sorry. Excuse me. No offense.

This is just a security clearance. And besides, a pretty girl like you doesn't

want to be bothered with dull business. Thank you very much.

What are you doing here? Will you tell me what you're doing here?

You barge in here? What is this?

What are you doing?

Will you explain what this is all about?

Bilko, we are low. No, I can't be too careful. If my plans fall in the hand of

an enemy country, it can mean a balance of power, sir. What is this?

Well, I'll tell you, Mr. President.

Mr. Bellman.

On what part is the greatest part of our military budget spent, sir? On the

basic training of new soldiers, sir. An entirely unnecessary expense. But how

can you eliminate basic training?

With the Bilko do -it -yourself basic training kit. Do -it -yourself?

Exactly, Mr.

President.

Mr. Bellman.

Picture this if you will. With each draft notice that the draftee gets, we

include a kit.

A kid that enlabels him to take basic training in his very own backyard. I

understand. Why, in six weeks, that draftee reports for duty a seasoned

campaigner, sir.

But, Bilko, how can you... How? How? You use the word how.

No wonder you've earned my admiration, sir. Any other industrialist would just

be interested in the millions of dollars of profit involved.

You really think... But not you. I know, and the rest of the country knows, you

are spurred on by patriotic motifs, sir. The service of your country, sir, is

more important to you than anything in the world. And when you move in to 1600

Pennsylvania Avenue... through the strains of hail from the chief, and the

screams of the adoring crowds yelling in your ears, We like Bellman!

We like Bellman! We like Bellman! Bellman, we like!

We like Bellman! Please, get me Matthews. Get me Harmon and Poindexter.

to call a cabinet meeting. I mean, a board of directors meeting immediately.

All right, George, all right. Will you do things?

May I ask one more question?

What are your views on a second term?

Gentlemen,

I assure you, a few mornings of this and the draftee will feel like a veteran of

six months.

And not only that, in the inductive. Here, here.

No notes. I won't have any notes, please.

Well, I was just not being on paper. This may fall into any of me's hands.

here. Gentlemen, please observe.

Every rookie will be a battle veteran without leaving his own living room.

gentlemen, a few items we enclose with each draftee's notice.

Here we have a BB gun and a target.

Every rookie a marksman.

Observe, please.

A hypodermic needle and serum for do -it -yourself shots.

Now, as you've just seen, gentlemen, we'll cut the medical budget in half. A

savings of millions of dollars. A saving of millions of dollars.

Fine man. Excellent member of your cabinet. Keep him in mind.

And now, gentlemen, I think you will all agree, a very expensive item is the

soldier's uniform.

Yes, indeed. And that I can save billions of dollars.

Very well. Oh, yes, we can discuss that later.

Amazing.

Sergeant, I don't understand how you can save on uniforms.

Every soldier's got to have a uniform.

Brilliant observation.

Then I have your answer. Please observe.

A bolt of khaki.

Spanish citizen.

He keeps making notes. I don't want this.

You can't expect a draftee to make his own uniform.

Bless your heart. We thought of that. And with each package, gentlemen, we

enclose a sewing kit for the draftee's mother.

Gentlemen, need I say more?

It now costs $8 ,000 for the basic training of every soldier.

This kit can be put together and sold to the government for only $300. I repeat

that, $300.

You got the other item.

That $300 is putting it a little high.

Now, I can deliver that kit to the government for $285. No, I won't have

won't have you taking the price on the loss. Myself, I don't care. It doesn't

matter. I'm willing to turn this item over to you for the total sum of $1.

$1? Well, it's a deal. Get that in writing.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Just a moment, gentlemen. This test that we're

has to be a test that'll work. We have to make some tests.

That's right, and we have to make tests.

Brilliant man. Be an excellent secretary of state. Keep him in mind. But who can

we test this on?

That's the problem. We'll have to find some young man about to be inducted, a

young man we can trust. Oh, wait a minute. My son?

Yes. Of course, that handsome lad just... Well, that's perfect. We can

right within the secrecy of this room. Fine, and I can observe the test at

hand. Did you hear what I just heard?

This man is going to observe this. Is that brilliant? He's going to take this

-it -yourself kit alongside of his son. Oh, no, we... That's what you call

American business.

This is what I call presidential timber, sir.

But where shall we do this?

Yes, where shall we do it? We have to find an average American home.

What type of place do you have, Mr. Bellman?

Oh, 40 rooms, 14 bars, swimming pools, stables.

That's average.

Excellent.

We're leaving the factory and moving into Mr. Bellman's home. Oh, but I don't

see why he'd do it.

If you're willing to take these tests alongside of your son, we'll be there

right alongside of you to suit my thing.

my war wound four hours isn't that a mistake of course that's a mistake

supposed to say three hours three hours you take advantage of the mistake take

the full four hours

I'll just tell you the disregard this Bellman company has for army

specifications. Sir, it's appalling. We've been working day and night.

Why don't you surround me?

What was that? It sounded like a woman's voice.

Oh, that was the nurse at the factory, sir, distributing salt pills.

This do -it -yourself kit is so complete they probably have provisions for you

to be buried at Arlington.

Mr. Bellman's residence.

Oh, yes, sir.

It's for you, sir.

General Worthington.

Hello, General Worthington. Glad to hear from you.

Did you get the specifications for the new cooperator hookups?

You liked them? Good.

Yes, I agree. This new design is far superior.

Wait a minute. I'll say goodbye to Mr. Bellman. Thank you. him for his

hospitality. Hey, sir, what are you going to tell him about the Bilko do -it

-yourself basic training kit?

I'll tell him the deal is off. I'll tell him the Russians invented it in 1832.

Oh, is Mr. Bellman in?

Yes, sir, but he can't be disturbed now, sir. He's on the phone with General

Worthington.

General Worthington?

That's the general who turned down my kit six times. I'd better see him out

there.

Oh, you like the idea very much.

Yes, it is an innovation for the Army. And believe me, General, it'll save the

Army millions.

Half a million units?

Well, the very least I would consider is half a million units.

Did you hear that?

He only wants to buy kids. Sarge, Sarge, I don't understand. You sent it in six

times, they sent it back every time. Just to show you, it's not what you are,

it's who you are. Yeah, who cares? They bought it. They bought it. Ernie, you're

in the chips.

What are you talking about? Did you forget?

I sold it to him for a dollar.

Oh, yeah.

Well, what are you going to do?

What can I do? I'll try to get it back.

Come on.

Why don't you come to my office and we can discuss the matter more fully?

Good. And by the way, General, there's something else I want to talk to you

about.

Good. We can finish all our business then. Goodbye.

Well, Mr. Bellman, I see you're busy. We can talk later.

Oh, it's all right. I'm through.

Just working out a big deal with the Army for carburetors.

Oh, sure.

Carburetors. Well, speaking of carburetors, I mean kits. I was just

my accountants and they tell me you made a real shrewd move.

buying the name of my Bilko basic training kit for only a dollar.

Just the name?

Well, what did you expect for a dollar?

I mean, that's less than ten cents a word. You can't even send a wire for

Oh, you're shrewd. You are fussy there.

But now, let's talk business.

What business, Bilko?

Well, now that you've bought the name, you might want to buy the manufacturing

rights, the distribution rights, the advertising, the goodwill.

Bilko, I own that kit, lock, stock, and barrel.

And if you try any muggy business with me, I'll have you thrown in jail for

fraud. Fraud? Fraud!

Come in.

Mr. Belden, I'm here to right a terrible wrong, sir.

Biltow, there's no use arguing with me.

You sold me that kit.

Good heavens, sir, I'll be the first one to admit it. For what I sold you wasn't

mine to sell, sir.

What are you talking about? Sir, you are the possessor of stolen property.

That kit wasn't invented by me. It was invented by a young scientist.

Dr. Doberman, would you come in, please?

You stole the kit?

Yes, sir, and it's been on my conscience, sir, and I can't go through

ready to do the honorable thing. I'll give you back your dollar, sir, and then

you can do your business with Dr. Dwayne Doberman, sir. Well, I'll consider it

of you.

And tell me, Dr. Doberman, how much do you want for your brilliant invention?

A mi -mi -mi -million dollars!

You see, you've got the easy mark to do business with that I am, sir.

What do you say, Mr. Bellman? Well, if everything you say is true, Billcomb,

there's only one thing I can do. Oh, good, sir. Send you to jail for fraud.

Fraud? Yes, fraud.

I don't know. You came here with this kit and you sold it to me for one

Yes, sir, but... Then you bring this scientist here and you tell me he

the kit and he wants a million dollars. That's what he wants. You stole that kit

from him and he wants a million dollars. That's fraud.

What do you want with a million dollars?

I think a half a million makes much more sense.

Fine, then we can go into production at once.

And now, General, there's something else I want to talk to you about. And I'm

sure when you hear this idea, you'll be just as excited as I am.

Really? I'm anxious to hear about it. All right, General, here goes.

Now, I want you to picture five million.

Don't make it ten million.

Come in.

Perhaps I can appeal to the general, sir.

Appeal to me?

Yes, sir. I know I'm just a poor soldier, just a regular army sergeant

about to lose his brainchild, sir.

Don't pay any attention to him, General.

Vilco, will you please get out of here?

Vilco? Yes, sir. Sergeant Ernest Vilco, sir.

From Fort Baxter, Kansas?

Does the general know me, sir?

So you're Vilco.

Well, I'm certainly glad to see you.

Mr. Bellman, I know you won't believe this, but this man has the most

idea you ever heard of.

A do -it -yourself basic training kit.

Nobody but an idiot would take it seriously.

A do -it -yourself basic training kit.

Well, Sergeant, what did you want to talk to me about?

Nothing, sir.

Absolutely nothing.

Mr. Bellman, now we can get back to business.

What's this new exciting idea you want to talk to me about?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sir, while we were in Detroit, all we thought of was one thing, getting back

here to our sick colonel, sir. That was all that was on our... I'm not

interested in your version of what happened. I'll deal with you later.

now, I want to inspect those trucks.

Where are the trucks?

Trucks? The trucks!

Oh!

Also seen in tonight's show were Raymond Bramley as Roger Bellman, Bill Hickey

as Junior, Fred Herrick as the foreman, Bert Thorne as the butler, Jock McGregor

as Matthews, Skippy Colby as Diane, and Jack Davis as General Worthington.