All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e11 Lieutenant Bilko

Good morning, good morning, good
morning. Oh, what a lovely morning. And

look lovely, my dear.

Jack, what on earth's gotten into you?
Oh, what a beautiful day. This is the

beginning of the most beautiful day that
ever dawned.

May I have this dance, dear?

Jack, Jack, Jack.

You're acting as though you're going to
be made general.

Better than that. At 12 o 'clock noon
tomorrow, Bill Cozum -Listman is up and

he's leaving the army.

What? Oatmeal? I don't want oatmeal.

This is a morning for griddle cakes and
sausages and syrup and lots of butter.

But, Jack, you're so much. With Bilko
leaving, I could eat nails and feel

Don't you understand, Nell?

Bilko is leaving.

Morning,

Ernie.

Here's your breakfast, Sarge. I hope you
slept okay.

How did you sleep okay? Bugles blowing
at six o 'clock in the morning, men

drilling, marching outside your window?

Well, thank heavens it'll all be over
soon.

Well, that's what we'd like to talk to
you about, Ernie. Just save your breath.

But, Ernie, how are we going to get
along without you?

You'll just have to muddle through
somehow.

I've done more than my share. I've got
to think of myself once in a while.

That's from... Toast is cold.

Please. Am I not in time for the
conference of life finally?

Listen, Sarge. When a guy has been in
the army as long as you have, you know,

you can get lost in civilian life.

Eisenhower and MacArthur did all right.

It ain't just for ourselves I'm talking.
It's for the whole platoon.

Sarge, they're taking it pretty hard.

Two lumps, please.

They're all choked up inside, Ernie.

Take this, will you, Rockham?

Sarge, I didn't know you'd been crying.

Sergeant, there's something we want you
to hear.

Bender?

We, the undersigned, hereby urge you,
Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko, to reconsider

your decision and sign up for another
hit.

Your departure would leave an empty
place in the heart of the undersigned

could not be refilled.

So we hereby urge you, do not leave us,
Sergeant Bilko.

I must say, this is all very touching.

Now I know how George Washington felt
when he had to say goodbye to his

I pressed your suit, Sarge. Good boy,
Dwayne. Will you iron out my shirts?

Dwayne, iron out my shirts.

I can't, Sarge. I can't touch your
shirts.

Every stroke of the iron takes you
farther and farther away from me.

You've got to be brave.

Before I met you, I was nothing but a
slob.

But, Commander, you did most of it
yourself.

Now, promise me you'll be brave.

So you won't change your mind, huh,
Sergeant? Look, fellas, I'm going to

you all, but I just got to do it.

So that's your last word, huh? Fellas,
look alive. My discharge is in the works

already. Face it. Try to understand.

I'm on my way out. He's on his way out!

Here's a complete file on Sergeant
Bilko, along with his discharge.

Everything's okay, except for one thing.
Yes, what's that?

Well, sir, during World War II, a small
company of men had to be moved from one

end of the Marianas to the other. Go on.

The mission calls for the leadership of
an officer, and since no officer was

present, Sergeant Bilko was given a
temporary commission of lieutenant.

Yes? Well, I don't know how it happened,
but the temporary commission was never

canceled.

Somebody cool.

You mean this Bilko is really Lieutenant
Bilko? That's right, sir.

Well, teletype the personnel officer at
Fort Baxter. Ask him to have Sergeant

Bilko sign Form 519.

That'll cancel his lieutenant's
commission and complete our records.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Marconi, drop everything, huh? Get
this out on the wire like a good boy on

a double. Good -bye.

Okay, shoot.

All right, to Miss Mildred LaPlante,
care of the stage entrance, Latin

New York City, New York.

Dear Mildred, arriving at 7 .30 at Isle
Wilde, you're not writing.

Ernie, how many times have I got to tell
you? No personal messages. If somebody

finds out, I'm in trouble.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You could get in
trouble.

Remember that, Rocco, and tell nobody.

But nobody about the two -tone paint job
we did on Grover's car. It's liable to

get somebody in trouble.

So you want to call the white wall tires
that came in? You better ship them

back. We'll liable to get in trouble if
we put them on Grover's car.

Okay, Ernie, what's the message?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's
something coming in over the water.

Say, it's about you, Ernie, from the
Pentagon.

Probably from the chief of staff begging
me to stay in the army.

Marianas Island, 1943.

Commissioned as temporary lieutenant,
Sergeant E. Pilko.

Ernie, you weren't a lieutenant? Yeah,
for about two hours.

As Sergeant Pilko, signed Form 519.

What's a 519 for?

To release commission as temporary
lieutenant.

Release? Wait a minute, I'm still a
lieutenant then. You never signed a

I've been a lieutenant since 1943.

Pencil. What do you want a pencil for?
Pencil, pencil. Here, here, here.

What's a lieutenant's salary? A $220 a
month base pay.

$220 base pay. Base pay, that's...
That's $60 a month more than I make as a

master sergeant. That means they owe me
$60 a month since 1943.

I'm rich.

I'm rich. Take it easy, Sergeant.

Pencil. Pantel! Pantel!

Let me see.

$60 a month for 19... How many votes in
1943?

12! 12! I just figured it out. If you
were a lieutenant since 1943, that means

you got seniority. Bless you! He's
right.

Instead of getting 220 a month, you'd be
getting 340.

Pantel. I've got no more pension.

He's lying.

He's lying!

He's lying! He's lying!

Look, I just got a crayon.

I won't forget you gave him a crayon.
All right.

Don't you...

What comes after 1945?

1945.

The difference is $120 a month. $120
times 12. That's $1 ,400

a year.

You're sure? Holy smoke! At only $1
,400, that's $14 ,000.

Wait a minute. Don't be a sucker.

It comes out better than $20 ,000.

Wait, Ernie. Wait, Ernie. I think I know
what Rocco means.

You can't get any of that money because
you're leaving the army. Who's leaving

the army? How dare he say a thing? Me
leave the army?

Never. What kind of a soldier do you
think I am?

I am re -elixir.

We're getting into the send -off party.
We've got to thin them out with a smile.

Here's the cake.

Hey, put it on the table.

How's the punch? I don't know. It needs
something.

It needs lemon.

Don't, man. When you made the punch, I
told you to put lemon into it. But I did

put lemon in it. You didn't. I did. You
didn't. Wait.

I'll show you.

See?

They're coming.

They're coming.

All right, fellas, get in there.

Are you all ready?

He's a jolly fellow.

He's a jolly fellow.

say anything?

I've re -enlisted.

That's right, fellas.

It's the real thing. From now on, it's
Lieutenant Belko. That's right. He's got

a commission.

Commission? Lieutenant?

You mean you joined the enemy?

Oh, come on. Knock it off, fellas.
Relax.

At ease. At ease.

Paparelli. Yes, sir. Right, sir.

No, no, Dino. Nothing has changed.

Fender, will you tell Paparelli he can
relax?

Yes, sir.

Private Paparelli, the lieutenant wishes
me to inform you that you can relax.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir. I explain,
sir.

Fellas, nothing has changed. Your old
friendly sergeant is now your old

lieutenant. Dublin, you understand.
Nothing has changed. It's like old

Yes, sir. Just like old times, sir. If
the lieutenant says so, yes, sir. What

are you going to do with guys like this?

Let's face it, Sarge. As long as you're
wearing that uniform, that's what you

can expect.

That's what's bothering you, fellas. You
think a couple of bars are going to

change the soul and character of a...

When you're dealing with children,
you've got to teach them here. Get rid

this, will you, please? All right? Here
it is. Same old lady.

All right? I don't get it. What
happened?

Who put you in for the tennis
commission?

The colonel? The colonel doesn't even
know I reenlisted him. Don't anybody

him I want to save that surprise for
myself.

I don't know. With you as an officer,
things just won't be the same around

You can say that again. With me in there
fighting for you, this will no longer

be Fort Baxter. What do you mean? This
will be known as Fort Paradise.

What about you as a lowly sergeant?

Imagine what I can do for you as an
officer, a lieutenant.

At

ease,

men, at ease. I don't want to interrupt
your party.

My boy, I just came in to wish you the
best of everything.

The very best.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much,
sir.

Goodbye, Ernie.

We'll miss our Sarge.

My boy, you've made a momentous
decision.

A momentous decision.

Yes, sir, I'm aware of that, sir.

But I'm sure you'll never regret it.

Mrs. Hall and I got you a little gift as
a remembrance.

Something suitable to be taken.

A traveling bag.

Sir, I don't know how to thank you
enough. This traveling bag expresses my

sentiments better than any words I can
think of.

This gesture of yours, sir, it'll stay
with me forever. It'll give me a feeling

of...

Togetherness, sir. And so now comes the
time to say goodbye.

But I won't say goodbye.

It'll make us all too sad.

But, sir, if you'll just wait just a
moment, I have a little surprise for

too. Excuse me.

Well, get on with the party, boys.

Let's all be cheerful.

Let's not show Ernie how we really feel.

Sir?

How do I look, sir? Why, you look fine,
my boy. Just fine.

I understand.

It's the wish of every enlisted man to
put on an officer's uniform.

But you'd better take it off. It's
against regulations.

Sir, it's not against regulations for me
to wear this uniform, sir. Because you

see, sir, I am a lieutenant.

Funny? We're going to miss your jokes,
Bilko. Sir, you don't seem to

I have been a lieutenant since 1943.

You've been a what since when? Bilko,
you get out of that uniform at once.

Colonel Hall, this is a ridiculous
mistake.

Sergeant Bilko was supposed to sign Form
519 in order to release a temporary

commission he once held. I didn't bother
you with it because it's a routine

matter. Sir, begging the captain's
pardon, but I know my rights. If I don't

that release, sir, I'm still a
lieutenant.

I don't know, sir. It might very well
be.

That is technically.

I'll check on it, sir.

Oh, no.

Can you call me, Colonel? Yes, what's
holding up? my call to the Pentagon.

All the circuits are busy, sir. It
should come through soon.

Well, keep after them. I've got to drive
out to the airfield and meet General

Williams in ten minutes.

Yes, sir. Oh, there's a Mr. McCready to
see you. Oh, Mr. McCready? I don't know

any McCready. He says he's from the Ace
Construction Company.

Oh, well, send him in. But keep after
that call to the Pentagon.

Yes, sir. I want to settle this Bill
Cole affair before any trouble starts.

do you do, Colonel?

I've got all the estimate figures and
plans for the whole layout just as

ordered. The tennis courts and the
swimming pool.

Classifications call for the usual
rectangular shape, but what you want is

kidney -shaped swimming pool.

I want a kidney -shaped swimming pool. I
knew you'd go for it, Colonel. We'll

start digging tomorrow.

Tomorrow? And I must say that you have
wonderful foresight. This will be the

first Army installation in the country
to have 18 tennis courts and a kidney

-shaped swimming pool.

Bilko!

What's happened to that call to the
Pentagon?

The circuits are still tied up, Colonel.
Well, get them untied. Tell them it's a

top -priority call.

Tell them the whole military structure
is in danger of crumbling.

Oh, I think it's coming through now,
sir. Hello?

They're ready, sir.

Thank heavens.

Maybe there's still time to save Fort
Baxter.

Now, Colonel... And I don't want to
kidney -shape anything.

Hello? Major Bradley?

About that Bilko matter. I want that
cleared up.

You mean he refused to sign Form 519?

Well, no, I don't know what to do about
it.

As a matter of fact, that isn't even my
department.

I'll put you through to somebody who can
help you.

Yes, yes, Colonel Hall, I understand
your problem.

But that's not my department. Let me
connect you with the First Division.

So you see, Colonel, there's nothing I
can do about it that's not my

How does a spy ever find anything out?

About General Williams.

Good heavens, I'm late already.

I was supposed to pick him up. There's
my car outside.

That's just it, sir. Your car is not
available.

Not available? Why not?

Lieutenant Bilko took it. Bilko? Bilko
took my car?

Yes, sir. He said it was important.
Important? You send the MPs after him.

sir. If I know General Williams, he's
out there now waiting to bow his top.

And then the second fellow says, what do
you think my wife is, a kangaroo?

You've got to remember me better.

I am terribly sorry about not meeting
you, sir.

Oh, don't give it another thought,
Colonel. We all have our busy days, but

I say is that if a man can't do a job
himself, choose the right man to do it.

And you certainly did. I did?

Oh, yes.

enjoyable trip from the airport. Thank
you again, Lieutenant.

Well, sir, it was my pleasure. And as I
explained to the general, I'm unassigned

at the moment. If there's anything I can
do, sir, any assignment at all, I would

deem it a privilege and an honor, sir.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

I'll remember that.

Wait a minute. How did that go again?

He says, what do you think my wife is? A
kangaroo?

That's a bright young lieutenant you
have there, Colonel.

I'll bet you wish you had more like him.

Again, they threw away the mold.

Here, have a chair, General. Thank you.

Well, Colonel, I guess you'd like to
know why I'm here.

I need a trustworthy man to carry out a
scientific mission.

A man of courage, of stamina, of the
highest integrity.

That's why I've come to you.

I'm honored, General.

For the moment, the mission must remain
secret. But once accomplished, there

will be glory, acclaim, and a possible
promotion.

Well... A man's duty is all that's
important.

Nevertheless, the spotlight will be
thrust upon him. He'll become a national

figure.

Exactly what is it you want this man to
do, General?

I want him to go up in a balloon 30
miles into the ionosphere.

30 miles?

Yes, higher than any man has ever been
before.

Yes, pretty high. Yes, and at that
height, who knows what might happen. It

be dangerous.

Yes, I suppose it could.

So needless to say, I need a strong
young man to go up there.

Yes. Yes, a strong young man.

I were only 20 years younger.

Who would you suggest, madam?

Well, let me see.

Say, what about that lieutenant?

Built up?

Lieutenant Bilko reporting, sir.

Mattie, Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir. Lieutenant, I sent for
you because I have an assignment for

An assignment? This is a surprise, sir,
but I'm at your service.

Colonel, do you want to take over from
here?

No, no. You go ahead, General. I'll just
listen.

Lieutenant, the Colonel and I were about
to look at some films. We'd like for

you to see them, too. Well, splendid,
sir.

These films were taken by a mechanically
operated camera placed in the tail of a

rocket which was sent up 22 miles.

Colonel, will you get the lights? Would
you like me to take notes, sir? Good

idea. Right.

Watch closely, Milko. Yes, sir.

Now there you see the rocket as it takes
off with the stratosphere.

Here inside the rocket you see the white
mice.

Notice how helpless they are inside this
cube.

You see, at this high altitude, gravity
is considerably reduced.

interesting, sir, and very educational,
I might say.

Lieutenant, that was Operation
Stratosphere. We are now ready to go

Operation Ionosphere.

This time, along with the animals, we
are going to send up a man. A man.

Splendid. I'll make a note of that, sir.
Which brings us to the point. Excuse

me, General.

May I take over now?

Here are your orders.

Tomorrow morning at 0600, you'll put on
a pressurized suit and get into the

balloon with the monkeys and off...

Such courage, such cooperation.

Wait.

Let me go up in a bowl.

That'll be the day.

General John T.

Hall. Dear sir, I regret...

that compelling personal reasons forced
me to resign my commission as

lieutenant.

Ernest, shame on you. Are you going to
crawl away from this challenge like a

gutless coward?

What are you doing?

Play it smart.

Finish the letter.

Do it the Bilko way.

Bilko way. You know what that stands
for, Ernest.

conniving, skull -duggery, horn
-swaggling.

Now, listen to that goody -goody boy,
Ernie. Look, we've always done all right

letting the other fellow do the dirty
work.

Dirty work.

That's the way it's always been with
you, Ernest.

But now we have a chance to wipe the
slate clean.

Think of it, Ernest. A bilko risks his
life for science.

A bilko becomes a national hero.

A picture of bilko screams from the
front pages.

The name is engraved in the hearts of
men and purred from the lips of women.

This is the chance of a lifetime,
Ernest. And remember, if you don't do

lose the $20 ,000.

I'll do it. I'll do it. Hey, what are
you doing?

Leave me alone.

You heard him, Sergeant.

Leave him alone.

Hang on. Hang on.

Ah, Lieutenant Vilko.

Here's your man, Professor Wollstetter.
Please brief him on the operation.

Good show.

Lieutenant Vilko, you can't know what
this day means to me.

I've devoted 14 years of my life to this
project.

It means so much to me to find out if a
man can exist in the ionosphere.

Means quite a bit to me, too, sir. Not
cool, sir. Take off minus four. Do you

want me to finish loading? Yes,
immediately.

Yes, sir.

Now, Lieutenant, everything works
automatically.

But there are certain safety precautions
you must remember in case something

goes wrong.

Something goes wrong?

Certainly. Anything can happen.

Now, listen carefully, Lieutenant.

Trouble may start at the altitude of 80
,000 feet.

In the event of an emergency, press
button number one on the instrument

Button number one.

That'll get me down. No, that'll save
the mice.

Mice? Then wait ten seconds and press
button number two.

Button number two. That'll get me down.
No, that'll save the monkeys.

The monkeys go first.

Then I wait ten seconds and I press
button number three.

Right. And that will be the most
important thing of all.

The camera.

Now, let me check this.

Sir, the monkeys and the mice are ready
to be loaded. Good, good. Get them on.

Get them on. Yes, sir. Sir, just a
minute. I don't want to be picky.

But the panel only shows three buttons.
That's right. Why?

What about a button for me to get me
down? You know, a parachute?

Friendly, I own a spear and a parachute.
It's out of the question. A parachute

will be torn to shreds. That's a chance
we have to take.

Well, well, Belko, you became an officer
just in time.

If you were a sergeant, you wouldn't
have this honor.

Just think, in a few hours, you'll be
flying out to the unknown.

Sir, I just want to... I should tell
them, sir. I get airsick. I think I'm

up there, sir.

Takeoff minus one. Good, let's get
started. Dr. Walsh, wait, don't go. He

want us to go. No, Dr. Walsh, we can't
send this man up in that balloon.

Thank heavens I discovered it in time.
What is it, doctor? This is Dr. Parker,

my assistant. How are you, doctor? We're
glad to see you. We have to postpone

the flight indefinitely.

Postpone it, but why?

Well, we miscalculated on the
pressurization in the cabin of the

Oh.

What a disappointment. Are you sure I
can't go? The whole operation has to go

back to the drawing board. Oh, darn.

It may take years before we can attempt
it again.

Yes. Oh, sir.

Make them let me go up there. It's
unfair.

It's unfair to deprive me of the honor
of being the first man to go up into the

ionosphere, sir. I admire your courage,
young man.

Dr. Fogg, what about Lieutenant Bilko
for our ocean test?

Splendid idea.

We have another project underway.

We are going to send a man in a diving
bell to the floor of the ocean in order

to ascertain the amount of pressure the
human ear can stand.

What?

What?

I don't understand what they're talking
about, sir. I only know about Ionis' old

self. Please, make them send me up into
that Ionis' old self.

Colonel Hall.

Hello, Captain Berger.

Anything new on the Bilko case? There
must be some way we can get him to sign

that release. Yes, sir. Colonel, I vowed
Bilko's back pay as a temporary

lieutenant. I've gotten all the figures
together.

Are you sure that these figures are
correct?

Positive, sir. I checked and double
-checked.

This is too good to be true.

Too good to be true.

Oh, but it is, sir. Although a
lieutenant gets a higher salary, a

sergeant makes out better. He doesn't
have to pay for his uniforms, his meals,

for rent, for traveling. Over a period
of years, that money adds up.

You mean that Bilko actually owes the
government $6 ,000 a period of time?

Is there anything else, Colonel?

Yes. Give me that release.

And tell Bilko to come in. Yes, sir.

Come in, Lieutenant Vilko.

Oh, how nice that is to hear you say,
sir.

Lieutenant Vilko. I must say it warms my
heart, sir, to know that you have

finally accepted me as a fellow officer.
But I understand the resistance you

showed was only natural, sir. Yes, I did
show a little resistance, Lieutenant

Vilko.

Money, sir.

But let bygones be bygones. Aye, sir.

Oh, by the way, there's a financial
accounting the government has to make

you. Oh, yes, something, some paltry $20
,000 or so, sir.

That's right, $20 ,000 minus a few
deductions. Oh, deductions. Oh, well.

Yes, you owe the government a paltry $6
,000.

No, no, not me, sir. I was just
temporary. No, sir, I'll sign the

you'll just give me the release, sir,
I'll sign it. Well, now, I wouldn't want

to cheat you out of it. But, sir, I
don't mind it. I'll sign it with my own

You see, and don't worry, sir. I have my
sergeant's uniform ready. I'll have it

pressed and get right into it, sir. Oh,
no, no, no, no. Bill, go now.

Go out into the bright new world and
make your mark. Sir.

Congratulations, Sir Bilko. I know
you'll make an excellent civilian.

But, sir, you don't understand. I
haven't left the army. I've re

We'll be together another three years,
sir.

Also seen in tonight's show were John

Borup as General Williams, Pope
Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall.

Jimmy Little as Sergeant Grover, Nick
Saunders as Lieutenant Barker, and Ralph

Stantley as Mr. McCready.