Original subtitles

Hey,

that was a great lunch today. It certainly was.

What was it? I don't know. That's when it's best, when you don't know.

Hey, Doberman, what's this?

Army surplus?

Yes. Hiya, Hugo.

Here are the tickets you wanted for my play Friday night. I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, thanks. Hey, you wrote the play yourself, huh? How about that, fellas? A

real playwright in the bunk above me. Boy, am I glad to join that platoon,

It's a relief to have a real intellectual with us. Now I got someone

Attention, attention.

Now here's a sample of the fun, fun, fun you're going to have this coming Friday

night at my hottest model's ball.

Yay!

All right, remember, there will be hats for the gentlemen, favors for the

ladies. Fun, fun, fun. Get your tickets while they last. Don't get shut out,

gentlemen. Sergeant, Sergeant, they're not listening. Hugo, here's the money

my tickets.

Hold it, hold it. Wait a minute. Hey, hold it! Hugo, I want to talk to you.

sorry, Sergeant Bilko, but all the good tickets are gone.

How do you like this? You just joined the platoon. Why, you phony double

-crosser. You think I'm going to stand by while you pull off some phony ticket

-selling scheme with my men? Sergeant Bilko. You know my policy.

No competitors.

I mean, don't leave this conductor in the back.

Now, what is it? It's a shabby little rackety yard. It's no racket, Sergeant.

I'm just selling tickets to a show.

You think I'm going to stand here and have my men caught in a raid?

That's a waste of time. It's not that kind of show, Sergeant. It's a play I

wrote. They're doing it in Roseville Friday night.

They're all coming. What's happening to me? Is the parade passing me by? Am I

getting old?

All right, break it up. Come here, Hugo. I want to talk to you.

Pretty clever, I must say. Here I come up with a crummy idea like a dance, but

you come up with a sharp idea like a play, huh?

It took a lot of work.

Yeah, but it'll pay off, huh? I suppose you got a piece of the hot chicken

session, huh? That's good for a few bucks.

Oh, you're making it on the program ads. I mean, to the butcher, the hardware

store. Well, I don't have anything to do with the programs.

Oh, I suppose you have a lot of intermissions in your place so you can

of orangeade, huh? No, I didn't do any of those things.

Then you have the nerve to call yourself a playwright.

play of yours open Friday night? Yes. Good. We have time to operate.

What about your artist and model's dance?

Do you sell any tickets? No.

Refund every penny the dance is up.

Buy a ticket?

How long have you been in show business?

Your agent don't buy a ticket.

Look, a live gig. Come here. I want to talk to you.

Get the rest of the stuff out of the jeep. And look, that sign next to the

theater that says free parking, tear it down. Yes, I do have two orchestra

tickets for you.

75 cents each. No, no, just that. I'll take that. What is that? Two tickets in

the orchestra and 440 apiece? That would come to 880, I believe.

What? 75 cents? No, that's the tax money. Yes.

It's expensive.

You're sitting next to the governor. He's not complaining. Do you or do you

want these tickets? We're having a land office. What?

Yes. All right. What's your name? I'll leave them for you. Do you pick them up

at the box office?

Splendid. Do you need $4 .40 a ticket? Oh, quick, go backstage. They're waiting

to fit you for the uniform for the check room. Who are you?

Didn't you get the memo? I'm the author's new representative. I represent

everything here.

Did you say check room? Yes, quick, the seamstresses are waiting backstage. Come

on. Ha, ha, ha, move.

Go down to the basement and start squeezing. Remember, I want four glasses

juice to each iron.

That's a lot of squeezing.

That's a lot of water. Be sure that some of the pits are in the water so it

looks legitimate. Move it, move it.

How are the ads going for the program? Just great. Even the Paradise Bar and

Grill took an ad. Fine. And Schultz the Butcher says he'll take a whole page if

he can work in the script something about him running a special on pot roast

this week. It's in.

Remind me to talk to you about it. Here are the binoculars, Sarge. I emptied out

the storeroom. Fine. We'll charge 50 cents a piece for these in the balcony.

Sarge, you can see great from the balcony.

Not if you turn off the spotlight, huh?

I want to talk to you about putting some lines in the show. But you haven't seen

it yet, Sarge. I'm sure she's right. I knew there was something I overlooked. I

haven't seen the play yet. If the dress rehearsal started now, would you like to

come on in? Good. I may find a place to put in some more plugs in it. But...

Tell Pat Riley to take over the park's office and tell him to keep his sneaky

little hands out of the till. Come on.

Ah, this is it.

It's pretty good for yourself, Hugo.

What does it start? Right now. Okay, move it. Okay, Cass. You can begin

you're ready.

Incidentally, what's the name of this play? I've been busy with other details.

It's lit my mind.

Sheriff Hopper Summer.

Sharecropper Summer, I like it. It's got a little to it. It sings. If we make it

a musical, we got the title song.

Sharecropper Summer, I haven't heard from us this night.

Big Papa, come quick.

Mr. Higgins is coming up the river road.

Oh, Big Papa's going to be awful mad when Mr. Higgins gets here.

You called me last time. Sure did, Big Papa.

Look who's coming. That no -account Mr. Higgins and his no -account son.

Hey, aren't they a little small to be in a play? Shh, watch the play.

See, Papa, I want to talk to you about my son, Ruth, marrying up with your

daughter, Blanche.

Ha, ha.

Your son marrying my daughter?

Yes.

Just because you got money, that ain't enough.

We may be poor, but we're aristocracy, sir.

Hey, Hugo, why you got just children in this play? It's a little ridiculous,

isn't it? It's being put on by the Roosevelt Junior High Dramatic Society.

It's the only little theater group in town.

I know, but these look like people from the Musketeer Club, don't they?

How do you expect us to give a performance with all this noise going

Now get outside if you're going to cackle. I'm sorry.

Who are you?

I'm the director, that's who.

Oh, it figures.

If you don't be quiet, I'll report you to the principal.

Okay, Kate, let's get on with the rehearsal. Have I missed much of the

rehearsal, Hugo?

No, Mr. Harmon, it just began. Good.

As principal of Roseville Junior High, I've never seen our drama group do

anything quite so stimulating. Thank you, Mr. Harmon. In reading your play,

Hugo, I was very impressed with the similarity between your work and

Williams. Hold on.

Tennessee Williams?

The famous playwright, he writes like Tennessee Williams?

Yes. Maybe someday I'll be saying, I knew Hugo Lachman well.

Hey, Tennessee.

Hugo, come outside. I want to talk to you a minute.

Is that the play? Bring it with you.

All right, Big Papa. Take it from the top.

Thanks, Big Papa. Big Papa, you've been wrong.

Our day is done.

I'm going to marry Ruth Higgins and play my part in a new day that's dawning.

And then the curtain descends slowly as Big Papa goes back into the house.

A broken man.

Poetry.

Sheer poetry.

If I didn't know you were Hugo Lachman, I would swear you were Tennessee

Williams. I guess I couldn't help it.

Tennessee Williams is my idol. I admire his characters, his feeling, his depth,

his philosophy.

His money?

I never think about money. I'm just interested in writing.

Good boy. You just worry about the money.

It's the Broadway production, right? And then we make the movie sale for not any

company. I want a major firm. I want this done right. Big screen and in

And for my stars, I insist on Cary Grant and Morrow and Monroe because they're

great at the box office. See that?

All you needed was a producer.

Sarge, you're going to be a producer?

Why not? What's a producer? What's the big deal with a producer? What is a

producer? A guy who uses other people's money, right?

You know anybody better than I am at using other people's money?

It's not right in Roseville we raise the money for the Broadway production.

But what about the Roseville Junior High players?

Are you kidding? That's off.

We call that off. But what about the kids? What do they do?

Let them do Jack and the Beanstalk like other kids.

Hey, Sarge, I squeezed over 20 gallons of orange juice. What should I do with

it? Be my guest.

new play.

We're so excited that we're going to be the first to hear it.

I'll get the girls off the chicken salad so we can get started.

Splendid, splendid.

Do you think it'll work? Do you think they'll cough up enough stuff for the

play? Are you kidding? Did you count the minks when we came in here? Look at

that woman's wearing. That's not a chandelier, you know. That's a diamond

earring. Sergeant, do you think they'll understand the play? It's all about poor

people. When I get through with them, they're going to be poor people, too.

Girls, we have a delightful surprise this afternoon.

We're going to hear a new play written by Private Hugo Lachman of our own, Fort

Baxter.

How much are you going to hit him for, Sergeant? Well, Darren, I was going to

ask for 30, but I'm going to hold out for 40 ,000. And I know we're going to

enjoy a delightful reading by the producer himself, Sergeant Ernest Vilco.

Not 40. I just made it 60.

Now, I know we're all anxious to hear the reading of the play, so we'll cut

regular business down to just hearing the treasurer's report.

Lucille?

I'm very happy to report that our flower show two weeks ago was a tremendous

success.

We emerged with a net profit of, um, $1 .65.

lucky on our rummage sale last Tuesday.

There was a loss of $2 .98.

And since there's nothing in the treasury, the club owes me the money.

Thank you,

Phil. And now, what we've all been waiting for, the reading of the play.

Sergeant Ernest Bilbo.

Yeah, when an army private comes up with a great play. Look, forget it. The only

one who cares about an army private is the army. Better get this play back to

you, girl.

would be... Hey! What? The army. The army? That's who's going to produce this

play, the army. The army don't produce plays. They will when Hugo wins the all

-army playwriting contest. I didn't know the army was running a playwriting

contest. Neither did they. Let's go and see the new special service officer.

Thanks, Wilkins.

Oh, yes, Wilkins. Sir, I know how strained the special service budget is

days, and my men and I have chipped in this token amount in the hopes that

perhaps you can bring the ballet ruse to Fort Baxter next Friday.

Ballet ruse?

Oh, my men are simply starved to see it, sir. I've scheduled busing for Friday

night. Oh, the men will be so bitterly disappointed.

But they like boxing. Oh, no, sir. They abhor brutality and violence. As a

matter of fact, sir, athletic contests are passe.

Cultural contests are nothing, sir. Cultural contests?

But surely... the Major has heard of the All -Navy Painting Contest, where over

500 watercolors and 300 oils were submitted, sir. I'd never heard of it.

Well, sir, it wasn't on the SWAT pages.

Of course, nothing compared to the Marine Corps Clay Modeling Contest. Oh,

had some breathtaking heads. That one at Albert Schweitzer at the Ordnance.

Wasn't that thrilling?

I'd never heard of that one either.

Sir, if you'll forgive me for saying so, the Army has become an artistic

wasteland. Oh, let us strike back, sir.

You mean the Army should run a cultural contest?

A contest.

What a wonderful idea. I never thought of that, sir. I can hardly wait to tell

the men, sir. Yeah, yeah.

But what would it be?

Oh, it beats me, sir. Oh, if you'd just come over to the barracks and have a

talk with the men, sir, they'd so appreciate it, sir. That is an excellent

Bilko. Perhaps we can find out what the men are really interested in. You

notice, this is what makes an officer. This know -how, this drive. Oh, so what

you...

This doesn't mean we're giving up hope of getting the Ballyroos. Oh, I do hope

they do Swan Lake. When the prince turns into the swan. Oh, it's day two.

You all know what to do. Everybody busy typing. Here, Fender, here's your paper.

But Sarge, I don't know how to type. I bake it. Here, Mullen, here's yours.

Sarge, this ain't got no ribbon here. Chewing a pencil like you're thinking of

ideas. Sarge, grass coming, coming. All right, busy typing. Everybody busy

typing. Attention!

As you were, man. Thank you, sir. It's their hobby period, sir.

So what?

What an amazing sight, the entire platoon. Yes, they do that all the time,

Sir, I was thinking about the contest.

How about mosaics? Tile is cheap, sir.

Mosaics? Yes, sir. Hey, Sarge, do you think my second act curtain is strong

enough if the mother runs off with the daughter, or is it better if the father

runs off with the fan dancer?

I don't know, Paparello. You have a conflict there.

Discuss it with Dolman. He's very good on the triangle part.

Sorry, if you don't care for mosaics, how about a book -binding contest? Hey,

Sarge. Mother stole my plant. It's mine. I had a fight. It's mine. I had a

fight. I have a major visiting us. These petty squabbles have got to stop.

Collaborate with each other. No, do it together.

Uh, sir, how about a soap carving contest? It's fun and it's clean, sir.

Think of what the men really like to do. Wait a minute, Bill Cole, sir.

Everybody here seems to be writing a play. Oh, yes. They do it all the time.

It's getting way out of hand. I'll stop it, sir. No, no, no, no, no, Bill Cole.

I think it's wonderful.

Bill, would you say that yours is a typical batter?

Well, I think so, sir. I think it's as typical as apple pie.

Well, then this must be happening all over the army.

By George, I think you could have something, sir. A playwriting contest.

A playwriting contest.

I don't know if the army would stand for it, sir. Well, they had better, because

I am going to fight for it. This is the best idea I ever had. Sir, will you

move, sir? Sir, sir, how do you spell Hamlet?

He's writing a modern version.

I'll tell you how to spell it.

I'm going to get on it right away. Oh, sir, it's wonderful.

And the credit for this new army project goes to Major Charles Lukens of Fort

Baxter, Kansas. And get this.

The Theatre Guild has promised that the prize -winning play will receive a

Broadway production.

What makes you so sure Hugo's play is going to win? How could he miss? How

he miss? No, Sarge, lots of guys will be submitting plays. Everybody.

Let me ask the clever corporal a question.

How long have you been in the army? 22 years. How long have you been in? Don't

answer. Would you say between this, over 100 years? Yeah.

And in all that time, did you ever hear of one soldier who ever wrote a play?

No. You're right, Sarge. Of course I'm right. And with Hugo's play being the

only entry, we're since to wrap up the whole contest. How could we miss?

And here he is now, the bard of Vexter.

You want to play a contest? Yeah. Look, you better give me a place so I can mail

it in today. The quicker we get it in, the better. It isn't ready yet.

What do you mean it isn't ready? It was ready when you did it with those school

kids. It was all right for them, Sergeant, but when I read about this

knew the third act was all wrong, so I tore it up.

Tore it up?

What, I'm going to do it over again?

Oh, don't stop on me like that.

Look, we'd better start right now because we want to catch that 5 o 'clock

Stop, Raleigh. Hi, Fred.

I'll get it right here.

You'll be great.

Put it right over here. You know what I always say? Never slow down tomorrow.

What you can do today.

We're all good, dear. I'll get a man.

Don't go away, kid. My little mood music is the Southern Place one, everybody.

Something about Big Papa or Little Mama, something about the plantation.

Go ahead, kid. We're all Ruthie. Get in there all the time.

Sergeant Bilko, I just can't do it. Oh, all right.

I'm sorry. I forgot for a minute. It's an inspirational thing. You don't turn

on and turn it off. We were just rooting for you too hard. You do it at your

leisure. Just think it over.

Just think it over quietly and do it the best you can because we don't want to

rush you.

Is he typing?

Shh, I'm listening.

Well, what's holding him up? I don't know. Be quiet.

He's typing. I can hear him clicking. We're in.

Oh, Sarge, I'm sorry. I just can't think.

Well, I just heard you typing. Why haven't I mentioned?

Hey, then.

Hey, Sarge, you want me to tell my mother you're his dad? Get out. Get your

grubby hands off me.

Shut up. Go on. Finish that third act. Come on.

I'm sorry. I'm not in the mood.

I'll let him in. Wait a minute. He's not in the mood. He's not in the mood. You

don't turn writing on and off.

Look, take your time. Just think about it. Give it a lot of thought. As long as

we get it in the morning mail.

Take it easy, all right? Leave him alone. Get me buddy out.

And take Hemingway with you. Come on.

overseas. I can't understand this. The first time I wrote sharecropper summer,

it came to me just like that.

Well, they were all surprised in the hospital when I finished it in just two

weeks. Well, you see, a hospital?

Yeah. The allergy I had kept me in there for two weeks until I discovered what

it was that caused the rash.

Oh, the rash.

That's very interesting. Oh, what did cause the rash?

Strawberries. They're poison to me. They are.

Don't look as long as...

Don't come. Why don't you knock off? We'll do it some other time.

But, sir, it's a contest.

It's a contest. What's the contest compared to your health? Go on.

Take time off.

It don't come. It don't come.

It... Not come!

Sergeant, what happened, Sergeant? Not really.

You go down to the supermarket and get me five dollars' worth of strawberries

a double of glass.

That takes care of the sardines. I put in the sliced strawberries.

Strawberries and sardines? Under the rye bread, he'll never know. Hey, Sarge,

here comes Hugo.

Everybody, eat the other sandwiches.

Oh, boy, isn't this... Hey, Hugo, come on, pitch in.

Flaxman's mother just sent us a food package. Try a delicious sardine

Oh, no, thanks. I don't want to ruin my appetite.

We're having chow in a half an hour. Don't we know it? That's why we're

now.

What's the matter? What are they serving? Around here, we call it

stew. How about that boomerang stew?

Mr. Sergeant, maybe I will have a sardine sandwich. Oh, be my guest. Go

ahead and enjoy it. That's delicious, boy.

I want to tell you, those Norwegians, they know what to do with a sardine.

Remind me to send your mother a thank you note.

Delicious, huh?

Yeah.

It's good.

It tastes a little sweet.

Well, that's the newest thing. Sugar -cured sardines.

Mr. Sergeant, I feel funny.

You do? What are the symptoms?

I don't know.

It's my rash.

The rash? My allergy is back.

Well, that's very interesting, since there are no strawberries around here.

I must be allergic to sardines. Oh, good heavens! And I gave him a sandwich.

I'll never forgive myself if anything happens to him. Quickly, to the

Take this boy, this may be something serious. Quickly, get him to the

Stand by and get ready for the third act. It's a... What are you eating?

Strawberries and sardines. Delicious.

We all chipped in and brought some flowers for our fallen comrades. Thank

sir. How do you feel, Hugo? I feel fine, but I still got the rash.

They can't figure out what's wrong with me. Well, did you work on it, say that?

The doctor says I have all the symptoms of strawberry rash, but it couldn't be

that because I didn't eat any strawberries. Well, they usually know

doing. Did you work on the plate?

Oh, yes, I finished it. You finished it?

Let's mail it in right away.

Oh, hiya, doctor. He's looking much better. Thanks for the plate, Hugo. Just

minute, Sergeant. Did you get that from Hugo?

He sure did, sir. All right, hand it over. But sir, we have to put it... I'll

take that envelope.

Hugo, all your allergy tests have proved negative, so we're going to proceed in

the theory that what you have is something contagious.

Now, nothing that Hugo has handled can leave this room. It might be contagious.

This is what we need, sir. It doesn't leave this room, so please get out of

here. Oh, I see. Well, I don't think I handled it long enough to catch

although I appreciate your concern. Let me assure you, doctor, that I never had

measles, mumps, chickenpox like other children do. As a matter of fact, nobody

in my family ever had anything like that. Sergeant, what's the matter with

Nothing, sir. You just rubbed a small amount. Oh, it's heaven. It's heaven.

Thank you.

What, sir? I don't know what. It's what you just picked up from Hugo.

Now, please get in that bed.

Yes, sir. But I'll see the nurse about getting you some pajamas and checking

in. Thank you, sir. Now, the rest of you men, out.

Yes, sir.

Dublin, come here.

Sir, I'm afraid I might catch him.

Put down, Army Playwright Countess Carol, you know the voice will tell you.

it in the mail right away. Right, sir.

Getting upstairs.

And then the blonde goddess kisses him and that's the end.

Gee, that was great. Would you read it to me?

Just what you had, Sarge. Hey, you look great. Rest in your good, Sarge. Hi,

Hugo. I'd have stayed longer, but Hugo got well.

Well, I see it's the same old bark, same old filth and dirt.

How are the nurses?

Well, I'm not going to mention any names, but may I tell you there was this

little doll. Hey, Sarge! Hey, Sarge!

How's it going? How you doing? Thank you, sir.

Bilko, I just received news from Washington.

News, sir?

Well, it won't be made public for a week, but they have chosen the winner of

playwriting contest.

Oh, boy, this is it. And would you believe it? There were over 750 entries.

750 entries?

Yep, and the Theatre Guild has read the winning play and agreed to produce it on

Broadway this fall.

Sir, I hate to impose upon your generosity, sir, but could we have the

the winner in advance so we can make certain preparations?

Yes, the winner was Corporal Lionel Atwater of Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

Let's call for a cheer.

for Lionel Atwater of Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

Well, the man is clearly an imposter, sir. There's only one thing that puzzles

me, Bill Cole. Out of all the plays submitted, there wasn't one single entry

from Fort Baxter.

And all your men so interested.

Oh, well.

Thanks again, Bill Cole. Thank you, sir.

One entry from Fort Baxter.

Dopamine?

Sir, I did exactly what you told me to. I addressed the envelope and put it in

the mail.

You did?

Are you sure you put enough stamps on it?

Stamps? You didn't tell me anything about stamps.

Yes, sir.

Technically, he's right. I didn't tell him about stamps.

You blew it, huh, Satch?

Don't you worry, you don't. This is just a temporary setback. I promise you that

play is going to be produced, and I'm going to produce it. Let me do this.

Last minute notes are very important.

Electrician, that magenta spot is too harsh. Tone it down a bit. Give me a

little expression and then props.

I want real magnolias. I want the audience to be able to smell it. And

second act curtain, you're rushing it. Close in with expression.

Come on, we've only got 15 minutes. Get your crew ready.

Hey, how's the author? How are you feeling? You'll go.

Sergeant Biltle, I'm so nervous. Of course you are. Every author is. Go out

front, get a seat in the back of the house and don't let the cat see you.

superstition. They don't like that.

I'm in.

Ha!

I hear some last -minute suggestions on the way I think the part should be

played. Bear this in mind.

Big Papa is the man of the soil, but proud. Proud and elegant. But he's been

beaten down by life until he's a hulk of bitterness, of anguish. And that's the

way I want the part played.

Did you hear that, son?

Now, you do exactly what you're supposed to do. Do it like he said.

He changes it every day. I know, but the impetus... I can't do it if I don't

feel it. But I'm trying. Give me something that'll sink my teeth into it.

do it. At every rehearsal. Where's my motivation?

Where's my motivation? I've given you the motivation. But the...

Don't get temperamental. Please, we're on. Let's go on stage. Everybody on

stage, please. You heard him. All right. He knows what he's doing. He knows what

he's doing. He knows what he's doing. Come on, on stage, everybody. Oh, honey,

look, the pot you're playing, Blanche, is a woman of fire and passion. But

where's my motivation? Where is it? Never the motivation. You'll find. Look,

and me. Please, not before I go. All right, everybody on stage, hold it.

Who are you?

I'm the...

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.