Original subtitles

Oh, come on, read it. Yeah, I read my Valentine out loud, but this is a very

personal Valentine.

Come on, open it.

Oh, all right, but don't laugh.

Okay. Roses are red, violets are blue. I send you this Valentine, now you get

two. Who is it from, Edna? George.

Hey, Joan.

What did you get for Belko this year?

What would I always get from him?

Forgotten. You mean you didn't get a thing? No, I got a valentine from Uncle

Sam. I read enlistment papers. When's your enlistment? Tomorrow.

Some valentine. Well, what did Belko give you last year?

Nothing. But I must say it's consistent.

Not only did he forget Valentine's Day, he forgot Christmas and New Year's. And

if he knew when my birthday was, he'd forget that too.

I wouldn't put up with a guy like that.

Ah,

there they are.

The army's secret weapon, beauty.

It's a drab, dreary place when all the loveliness is confined to this room.

I still don't know how you put up with it. Johnny, I brought you this.

Oh, Kenny!

You thought of me after all!

What do you mean, after all? Don't I always think of you?

But I do.

Oh, honey,

if you don't like the shirt, I can take it off. Get out of here with that shirt.

Oh, I know what's bothering her.

Maybe this is the wrong color khaki for me. It washes out my eyes.

You may be right.

What's the matter with her? You idiot. Don't you know what today is?

Today? Oh, sure. You don't think I forget an important day like today, do

All right. What day is it?

It's your birthday.

Come on, everybody. Let's start the day off. Happy birthday.

You thought I'd forget your birthday.

Happy birthday.

Come on.

This is your birthday?

Okay, Sergeant. This office is for official business only. Wait a minute.

Give me a hint. It's your father's birthday. Give him this shirt.

After today, I don't see how you can keep Bill Coe's picture on your desk.

I just look at this inscription to Joan.

I think of you every second, every minute, every hour, every day.

Signed, your Ernie boy.

He could be arrested for false advertising. Well, Ernie boy's got a

surprise coming to him. Surprise?

Yes, and one he's not going to like.

You see these enlistment papers?

Don't tell me you're not going to sign them. Oh, no. No, I'm going to sign

But they're going to be kept a secret.

Maybe the great lover will change his ways if he doesn't think I'm going to be

around for the next three years.

Oh, that'll give me something to think about. You bet.

Every second, every hour, every minute.

You sergeant.

How about it, Grover? Another hand? Deal me hands. Okay, Riddick? I'll call you

for lucky.

You know what they say, lucky in cards, unlucky in love.

When did one of you guys tell me today was Valentine's Day? I didn't know it

Valentine's Day. Hey, Sarge, how come you didn't run your annual Valentine's

dance? I ran it last November, remember?

You're pretty sentimental about Valentine's Day.

I'll bet you Joan was sore that you didn't give her anything. What did she

What did she say? She said what any other girl would say. She cried.

That's one thing I can't stand. That's a woman's tears.

Last night, my wife, Emma, she started to cry, and I couldn't stand it. I

up to her, I put my arms around her, I said, Honey, why'd you cry in the

kitchen? I want to watch TV.

It doesn't apply to Joan, though. When Joan cries, it means she's mad.

And, brother, when she's mad, watch out.

Let's cut out the talk and play cards.

No, I've got to go back to the kitchen. I've got a thousand cupcakes in the

oven. I want to make sure they don't drop. I've got to go.

Where are you running? I'm running.

Sgt. Sgt.

You know what? I just had time.

Take it easy.

He's such an excitable lad. Sgt. I just got the most terrible news down at

headquarters. Oh, no. The colonel found out about my floating cart game in the

isolation ward? No, no, Sgt. It's not that. It's not that. It can't be so

terrible. What is it? Joan Hogan, our enlistment is up.

And she's leaving the army. Joan's leaving the army?

Really? What else is new?

Sarge, didn't you hear what he said? Your girl is leaving the army.

Oh, put yourself together, Ronnie. It only hurts for a little while. Maybe

there'll be another war. Then she'll have to come back.

What are you laughing at, Sarge? Didn't you hear?

Joan is leaving the army. Oh, Joan ain't leaving for any place.

Oh, you're such an innocent poor soul.

Don't you get it? This is a bluff.

You really think so?

Oh. Of course I know what happened. It's Valentine's Day. I forgot her. She's

mad. She cried. Now she's lashing back at me. She ain't lashing. She's leaving.

Oh, I know just how her little mind works. First she plants a seed in this

She knows what a blabbermouth is on the other end.

That's the way she operates, don't you see? She's playing me like she's playing

the barracuda.

Hey, Henshaw. Yo. Who'd you just send over to headquarters with the spare

requisitions? Doberman. Doberman? Oh, wait, that presents a problem. He's

heavier than Paparelli. He won't be able to get back to me that fast. Let me

see. The headquarters is four furlongs from me. He's got the news. He's made

And he's off. And he's running. He just passed the parade ground. He made a wide

turn. He's coming into the PX. Now he's running to the barrack side. Now he's

made another turn. He's coming right up to the parade ground. He's coming down

the main street. And it's now into the stretch, and it's five, four, three,

one. Watch out!

Deep breath, though. Now, what is it?

In a million years, you'd never guess what I just heard. Well, let me just

a wild guess. I'll just take a stab and see if I know what you heard.

I would say, Joan Hogan is leaving the army.

I thought that's right.

And she told you not to tell me. But I didn't. Neither did I. Oh, you jerks.

You're tools for Joan Hogan. This is the way she operates.

Hey, Top Rally, what train did she tell you not to tell me she was taking? She's

not taking the 345.

I mean, she is taking the 345, only she ain't. Don't you see the scheme? I know

how this girl operates.

She wants me to come crawling down to the station, apologize, and Peggy will

come back.

Hey, Sarge, you gonna crawl?

Not Ernie Bilko. Nobody bluffs me.

Anybody smell anything burning?

Oh, oh, you guys are gonna help me. I gotta get a thousand cupcakes out of the

oven.

Sarge, you got nerves of steel.

Practicing putting while Joan is on her way to the train. Right out of your

life. You relax.

She ain't going anyplace. Will you listen to me? Read me the part about

In putting, it is important to keep your eye on the ball. Eye on the ball.

Assume an easy, relaxed, comfortable position.

Relaxed, comfortable position.

Charge, I'm back.

Good boy. Did you pick Joan up in the jeep? Yeah, I did. Did you take her on

back to the station? Yeah, I did.

When she saw I wasn't there to apologize, she asked you to take her

camp, right? No, she took the train. Yeah, I... Stop her! Why don't you

me. Take it easy, Barracuda. You said she wouldn't go. You like to say, have

ever heard anything so underhanded in your life? Tells me she's going to take

train. Then she actually takes the train. Do I get any notes to give you,

Sergeant? This is probably the... Here, Ernie. At first I was kidding about

leaving the army, but now I really mean it.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry, Sarge.

Tough break, Ernie. I know how you feel. Yeah, well, you can save your sympathy

for some other joke. Look, I've had enough of this. I deal with this thing.

wants to go.

Good riddance. Who needs it? There's a lot of fish in the sea, pal. And I know

just where to fish. Read me a... Get out of my way. Read me a... Come on.

Assume an easy, relaxed, comfortable position.

Comfortable position. Pop the ball gently to the cup. Perfect.

I just hope there's enough of me to go around.

Hold it.

Spread. Oh, yes, before I was in the Army, I was a refrigerator repairman.

I always found that most of the trouble was caused by the induction. Excuse me,

Private. Aren't you from my hometown?

Oh, are you from Cedar Rapids, too? Didn't you used to fix my mother's

refrigerator? I could have. Of course, your name is... And Coppelmeyer, right

the tip of my... Well, Eddie, what are you doing here?

Why, I'm just with the Cedar Rapids Get -Together at the Paradise Bar and Grill.

Cedar Rapids Get -Together? I didn't know they were having one. Oh, all those

fellas are there. You remember, uh, Shorty Richard?

Shorty asked about...

Chubby Dugan, he's back!

And, uh, I don't know who you mean. Oh, I forgot that. You don't know him. He

just moved to town. Well, where'd you say he was? Paradise Bar and Grill. You

can't miss it. It's just a few blocks up the street.

Aren't you going to the Cedar Rapids to get together? I'd much rather get

together with you.

Like a fellow with a sense of humor. My name is Helen Johnson. Helen.

Nice name. I like that. What's yours? I'm Sergeant Ernest Bilko, and don't you

try to get any military secrets out of me. Not that you couldn't with those big

blue eyes.

Good. Oh, this is your lucky night.

I have a tea.

Why don't we go in my convertible? Your convertible? Say, I'm your boy. Come on,

Joanie. Don't. I mean, tell him.

Well, Jo... I'm very bad with names. You're very bad with excuses.

Now, look, I knew a girl named Joan. She left town. She's home in Sumter where

she lives. She doesn't write to me. I don't write to her. We don't hear from

each other. It's all over, all right? Okay. Come on, Joan.

No,

you mean Joan.

You're carrying a torch, Ernie.

Look, be smart.

Sit down and write Joan a letter. Or better yet, why don't you phone her?

You'll feel better.

Good luck, soldier.

$3 ,000. It's one you'll be crazy about. She's a wreck. Wow, what a knockout.

Beautiful. And be unfaithful to Joan.

Why, you miserable.

The name of that town is Sumter. Yes, and it's first the person, Miss Joan

Hogan. And give this top military priority. Yes, a soldier's life is at

here. What? How much is that? What?

$2 .65. That's a three -minute, just a minute. I'm spreading out my change.

we go, operator. Here we go.

I'm putting it in. I am. I got all the money spread out of here. Yes. I could

have reversed these charges, operator, but I like to do cash.

Yes, yes. Here we come.

They're on the line now. All right. Here we go. Just a minute.

Just a minute.

All right. How much is that, operator?

What?

65 cents more?

Wait, wait. Will you take a step? Wait, wait. Hold it. Don't act up. Just a

minute.

Hey, soldier, give me $0 .65.

$0 .65 for what? Do you want to buy a watch here? I don't need a watch. What

you talking about? It's a genuine Swiss watch. Self -winding, shockproof, self

-winding, waterproof. Come on, give me $0 .65. What's the matter with it?

the matter with it? Nothing. We're forced to sell it. We're going out of

business. Give me $0 .65.

Come on, let me get a buy like this. $0 .65? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here it is. Here

it is. All right, operator, here we go. Here's the $0 .65.

Just a minute. There's one quarter.

Another quarter. Here we go. Here.

Is that it?

Okay.

Hello, Joanie.

Joanie, this is Amy. I thought we made a terrible mistake. Hello, Jo.

I'm Rick Overton. Boy, she must be good and sore.

Sarge, would you like us to get you some breakfast? You must be starving.

Come on, Sarge. I've never seen you like this before. Hey, Sarge.

Sarge.

I'm sorry, but Captain Witherspoon wants these wax recruiting posters put up on

all army vehicles.

You want to see him, Sarge? Don't stop, Billy. I've got my own problems. He

wants me to look at posters.

Oh, fellas.

Remember how cute she looked in her uniform?

All right, I'll be okay. It's just that when I... I'd better get me put up on

all the trucks. Wait a minute.

Let me look at that poster.

The army wants you.

Join the wax.

Hey! That's why I'll get her back.

Who? Joan. But she won't even talk to you. Sure, she won't talk to me, but

she'll talk to the army.

you're reporting to Captain Witherspoon. Ah, yes, Sergeant. I wish to report

that all the recruiting posters are on the trucks, ma 'am. Ah, good. And if the

Captain will permit me to say so, you're much more attractive in person. Those

posters, they didn't quite capture that sparkle in your eye, ma 'am. Oh, thank

you, but that isn't a picture of me.

Really? Well, it is an amazing likeness. Well, I'll be back to my duty.

And may I say one more thing, Captain?

Congratulations, you're doing a splendid job on WAC recruiting.

Oh, thank you. After all, I wouldn't pay attention to too much what one person

like General Hardy has to say.

Oh. General Hardy?

He's unhappy with my recruiting drive?

Oh, then you know. Well, I'll be honest. Oh, no, I don't know.

What did General Hardy say? I don't know if I should be repeating this. Well,

the General seems to think there should be more personal contact in recruiting.

You know, more person to person instead of just doing it with posters. But I

wouldn't be concerned, Captain. You're doing a splendid job.

Wait. Anything else?

Oh, dear. I do feel like such a gossip monger. But you know this much. You

as well know the rest. The General seems to think...

that the recruiting campaign is much too spread out. It should be concentrated

on one small, typical American town.

Any town. A town like, well, say, Sumter.

Good heavens, that is American and apple pie, ma 'am.

Sumter? But it only has a population of 800.

Well, if the captain wishes to take issue with what General Hardy has to

believe me, you have every right to do so, ma 'am. And I'll tell him so. Now,

wait a minute.

On second thought, Sumter seems like a splendid idea.

Oh. Dear, I wish I could help you and handle that campaign for you, ma 'am.

see, it'll be like old times. I used to be in recruiting. Oh, it was fun. We got

them in by droves. But my duties here keep me so busy. And, Sergeant, if I

arrange for a temporary transfer... I have one here, ma 'am, if you want it.

Oh,

still,

Joan, I can't...

the hem if you keep moving.

Isn't it wonderful, Mother? Oh, my old dress is back in style again.

One nice thing about the army, you didn't have to worry about style

Oh, by the way, whatever happened to that charming Sergeant Vilco you were so

crazy about? Don't mention him to me, Mother. I don't want to hear his name.

Sergeant Vilco? Ow!

Oh, Ralph, is that painful?

Honey, it's a pin.

Stop it.

Suppose you think I'm going to make a long speech about how the army needs

Well, I'm not. You need the army. Every Sally, Irene, and Joan. I repeat, every

Sally, Irene, and Joan. How much does it pay?

Money is of no importance. It's a glorious chance to join the army.

of Holgate. Another Joan of Holgate. Do you get much time off in the army? Well,

it's a mad whirl of gay parties, cotillion dances, where you live the

movie star.

You'll be another Joan Crawford.

Yes, Uncle Sam wants you. Joan, now.

Join now.

Why, if there's only one person... and within the sound of my voice, who will

sign up, I'll be deeply rewarded.

I'll join.

Not you.

I appear to be the call of your country.

Well, it sounds good to me. Where do I enlist? Would you please, I'm talking a

little courtesy.

If there's an ounce of decency in you, you'll forgive and forget and answer

country's call.

Okay, mister, you sold me.

Shatter.

Please, the first of all appear to re -enlist the fake... Hey, you slacker.

Join the Girl Scouts. Come on.

The Army Wack Recruiting Show is on the air.

Today, we bring you another episode in the life of G .I. Jones.

Was it a mistake for G .I. Jones to leave the Army? Was it a mistake for her

desert the handsome sergeant she loved? Let's hear what happens.

Oh, G .I. Joe, why have you pursued me? I've come to say three little words.

At last.

Say them, G .I. Joe.

All right.

Re -en -list.

Why did you do that? It was so sad.

It was pathetic.

And my answer is still no.

No use, Ernie. Joan ain't going to let you in the house.

Look it, he's right, Sarge. Nothing works. She won't talk to you. She didn't

call you after the broadcast. Let's forget about it. Please don't. Matt's

going to give up. We're going back to camp, and she's coming with us.

Yes? I beg your pardon, madam. Do you have a daughter between the ages of 18

34? Yes, I have. I judge you are in luck. We're conducting a door -to -door

recruiting campaign, and this month we have a special on re -enlistments.

I know you. Aren't you Sergeant Bilkoff of Fort Baxter?

Good heavens, I am.

Why, have we met?

Well, you know my daughter, Joan Hogan.

Joan Hogan? Does she live here?

Did you hear that? Is that the most amazing coincidence? Amazing. This is

Hogan's house. Well, I never... Oh, my, my. Joan will certainly be glad to see

you. Joan!

Come here, quick. Look who's here.

Joan, I've got a few places to leave you. I'll be straight in a moment.

Joan. Wait, Joan.

Joan, will you let... Joan, can you hear me? Joan.

Forget about it. Look, Sarge. She don't want to see you. Yes, you're right.

Well? We tried. Let's go back to camp.

I don't understand you, Joan. Not wanting to see Sergeant Bilko after you

all the way down here just to talk to me. Mother, I told you a hundred times.

The reason I left the army and won't go back is because I don't want to see him.

But you like the army so much. Couldn't you re -enlist and serve someplace else?

I thought if I wanted to, I could ask for foreign service.

Oh, that would be nice. Maybe they could send you to Paris or Rome or London.

Paris, Rome, London.

Well, at least there'd be an ocean between us.

Between me and Bilko.

Well, good night. Good night, Martin.

Paris, Rome, London.

Huh.

New friends, new faces.

I don't even have time to think about Bilko.

Toi, mademoiselle. You are the new act from America, eh?

Welcome to the Café Paris.

Café Paris.

Now I know I'm in Paris.

Mademoiselle, all the gentlemen have been asking for you. In fact, one of

asked me to give you this note.

Paris, you have set my heart on fire.

I implore you to let me come to your table.

The Marquis de la Boudreau. The Marquis?

What a catch.

One of the oldest families in France.

You will see him?

Oui.

What did I do? What did I say?

A

buona

sera, signorina. Welcome to the Café Rome.

And, signorina, you are so lucky to be here during carnival time. And tonight

have the masked ball.

Mamma mia.

Topo, topo, spera.

Ah, bello.

Bello, bellissimo.

Vino, musica. Oh, via.

Piacere, piace.

Oh, via, piace.

Oh, bravo, bravo.

Yes, welcome to the Café Savoy Bucky. Good evening, Reginald. Oh, I just love

London. Your usual table overlooking the Thames? Yes.

Oh, by the way, young Lord Fisher was inquiring. He begged me to ask, could he

join you for tea?

But of course.

Awfully sporting of you to let me join you. Oh, not at all, my lord. Oh,

Charlie, good show.

Well, actually, I... Oh, pardon me. There's the chap I went to Eton with.

Dickie. Dickie, over here.

Say, Rodney, this is wizard, what?

Oh, let us smash her, old boy. Oh, Dickie, may I introduce Miss... How do

do?

I say, there's a clear one.

Oh, Joe!

Joe! Joe, wake up, dear.

Oh,

Dickie, you were screaming.

You must have had a nightmare.

Oh, I did.

Oh, Mother, I made up my mind.

No matter what I do, I can't avoid Bilko.

I'm going to reenlist in the army.

Oh, it's so good to have you back again.

So you decided you just couldn't live without that big knuckle.

Girls, you won't believe this, but Bilko is a changed man. I had a talk with him

as soon as I got back. Attagirl, Joan, don't let him get away with this thing.

There she is. There she is. That's my Joanie. My girl is back.

Oh, honey, honey.

We may have acted foolishly in the past, but that's all behind us. Especially

me. I'll never forget an important day again.

Valentine's Day, Christmas.

All right.

When's my birthday? June 9th. When was our first date? October 21st. Thought

had me, huh?

Here, Johnny. These are for you. I'll do it.

Here's some perfume. Your favorite kind. It fits you. Tigress.

What's all this about?

Are you kidding? You don't think I'd forget a special occasion like this?

first day back in the army?

Welcome back, Helen.

John.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.