Original subtitles

What a shellacking we took. We just weren't hitting.

24 to nothing ain't fair. There they are.

Bilko's Bombers. Oh, this is a proud day.

24 to nothing.

Say, we're lucky at that. The score could have been much worse.

Fortunately, they called the game at the end of the fifth inning.

Bilko's Bombers.

Bilko's misguided missiles.

This is a day of infamy. You ought... Where is my picture?

Where is Fireball Paparelli?

Come here, my Italian ace. Any excuses?

Sarge, don't pick on me. My control is a little off, so I hit two batters. Oh,

is that all? It doesn't matter that one of them was sitting in the dugout, huh?

I'm loose. Loose? If you were any looser, they'd have massacred us.

Well,

it's probably all over the post by now.

Motor platoon, nothing.

Whack typist, 24.

How do you feel?

Judge, we tried.

How do you think we feel? You feel. How do you think I feel? I got $50 bet

against company A platoon next week. And that $50 we can kiss goodbye.

They're men.

Baseball players.

All right, knock it off. Take your shower.

Doberman, shower.

That's an order.

Too bad about that bed, ain't it? Don't worry, I'll take that 50 bucks out of

their hide. Maybe you can get out of the bed, Sarge. Oh, sure. Can't you just

see Grover and Ritz and let me off the hook?

If we only had some decent pitching, we'd have a chance. Is that him? I'm

of it. Hey, can we have your autograph, Mr. Stengler? Mr.

Stengler!

Get out of here. Wait until next week before you start to gloat. Get out of

here. Say, Ernie, we've been thinking about that $50 bet. Oh, I'm sure you

We will assemble right now for $49 .50. Look, I'm almost here. Get out of here.

Wait. We'll give you a fighting chance. How about we change the game from

baseballs to potsy potsy?

That settles it. I want that team first team tomorrow morning out for practice.

We can't. We've got to be out in the rifle range tomorrow morning. Oh, yeah.

Well, if I ask you for a rifle in front of them...

Don't give it to me. Not in my house.

Watch where you're shooting. Don't waste that ammunition.

Keep it going.

Hold it. Not really. You're not holding a lawn. You're trying to hit a target.

Now watch it.

Hold right.

What happened? I closed my eyes.

Here's a real sharpshooter. Hey, Sarge.

Sarge, we got a new boy. They sent him out here.

What's your name, son?

Lumpkin. Hank Lumpkin. He says he's a pretty good mechanic, Sarge. We'll find

out. We'll take him back to the barracks. We'll find a place for him.

Sarge, what are them men doing?

What are they doing?

They're fishing.

I get them, don't I? What do you mean, what are they doing? You see those

in their hands? Those are rifles.

They're trying to hit that target over there.

Chuck, Sarge, all I meant was you don't need rifles to hit them targets.

Them's only about 150 feet away.

Don't need rifles? What do you use, tobacco juice?

No, Sarge, I can hit that with the rock.

Hold back!

Very good. That may have been effective a thousand years ago when they used

spears and bows and arrows, but for the time being, if you... Hey, little lad,

where'd you learn to throw like that?

Well, Sarge, we hunt squirrels back home, and ammunition's expensive than

going that hard. If a squirrel ain't looking right at me, I give him what I

my take -it -easy throw.

Your take -it -easy throw? Yeah, it goes like this.

Oh, boy!

Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes.

All right.

All right, you men. Everybody back to the barracks. Come on.

You got any more throws like that?

Yeah, I got one I call my bender.

Your bender?

Yeah, that's in case of a squirrel hiding behind a tree. I'll show it to

Well, the target's over there.

I know.

He knows. He knows.

Oh, my!

It's too good to be true. I also got what I call a butterfly fling.

Butterfly fling? That's if a squirrel is looking right square at you, you throw

him the butterfly fling, and he gets flunked and fused. Yeah. Yeah. I'll show

to you.

Hold on!

I'm not good.

What's not good? Never mind.

Did you ever pitch a baseball?

Huh? Did you ever throw a baseball?

Oh, yeah. I had a kid that went with me to Memphis. He brought one with him. I

throwed it. What happened?

I killed me a mountain lion.

Boy, better tell the fellas when you get back to the barracks. He's great.

No, no, wait. Keep it under your hat. Look, we're going to teach you how to

baseball. You wouldn't like it around here, Prime. You think you'd like it?

I sure would, sir. We sure like you. Where'd you say you're from?

Tennessee. I had some kinfolk there. I thought it was a tooth dentist, you

I've never seen anything like it. What a picture. Man, he looks great.

Wow. You know something? That $50 bed that Grover and Ritzy is just as good as

one. With one little variation, I'm going to let them raise the ante a

Hey, there he is, Casey Stegall himself.

Hiya, Casey.

What happened to Bilko's brothers?

I didn't see them practicing today. Maybe they're all betrayed.

Knock it off. They got a fighting chance.

They have?

Well, I'll tell you what. How about making it a $100 bet instead of just

Come on, knock it over. What's the matter, Belko? No faith in your boys

because the Wax beat them? What? I don't like that kind of talk, okay? It's a

$100 bet. Clark, are you crazy? No, I was only kidding. That didn't count. Oh,

no. I heard you. It's a bet.

$100. You're not going to take something I said in anger, are you? You made a

bet, Belko. It's a bet. Now, don't... Oh, nice friends. Fine sportsmen. Now,

stop at $100? Want to take my last penny? Let's make it $200. Let's make it

$300. It's a bet. No, you're not going to back out now. So you said $300.

Everybody heard you. Even your pal.

Did he say $300? I didn't say it. Did I, Rog? Rog, they got you.

My big mouth. We got to move. We got to move.

All right, let's go. He's such cleverness, such craftiness. Oh, it's

better and better. We got work to do. Fill out the duty roster for tomorrow.

Rock, do me a favor. Get me the sports roundup. I got a small bet on the

Yankees. What do you got for tomorrow?

Well, let's see. I'm taking Doberman off the garbage detail.

No, leave him there. He's grown accustomed to the place. This is the

roundup. Wait a minute, I want to hear this. The New York Yankees lost their

second in a row today to the Boston Red Sox 9 -2.

Waddy Ford came up with a recurrence of a shoulder injury.

In the National League, there isn't too much... They like those Yankees. They're

going to blow this penalty.

A week ago, they were leading by six games.

You know what it is? It's the injuries.

They need a stopper. They need a pitcher. And they need someone... Hold

got it. You got what? The pitcher for the Yankees.

Lumpkin? Lumpkin with the Yankees? Why not?

A bonus player. Now you're thinking hence. But look, Sarge, maybe with

or Kansas City, but... Never!

If he goes with anybody, he goes with the Yankees.

I've been a Yankee fan since I'm ten years old, and this is my chance to

them for the countless thrills they've given me through the years. And besides,

they're loaded, and I'm going to hook them real good.

Yankee fan, including my 20 % commission for the agency.

But Sarge, an agent's commission's only 10%. But let me run my own business,

please. Not only that, I'm going to charge him with... There he is, the

of the year. Oh, that golden arm, those muscles, that wiry wrist, these talented

fingers.

Good idea, keeping him warm when he's not using them.

Did you say ouch? Ouch!

Sorry, Sarge.

What happened?

What happened?

What happened?

I'm in a hurry to kill you and you keep me waiting. What happened?

Sarge, I was closing the hood of a Jeep and crack!

Did you say crack?

Yeah.

Well,

there it is.

I had a million -dollar proposition laid right in my lap, a chance to break into

the big time at last. And what happens?

Crack! And it's all gone.

No bonus, no big salary, no endorsement money, no sitting in the audience at the

Ed Sullivan show.

The world was in my hands and crack!

What have I got left?

A pitcher with a broken hand and a fat, stupid catcher, which I am now going to

kill! Crack!

Roger, it ain't broken.

It ain't. Doc says it's just a sprain. It'll be good as new in a week. An

No way. Tomorrow I play company A. I got $300 bet. What is the world going to do

for me? What do you mean I can't play in that game?

How are you going to pitch with a bandage hand?

I reckon I just don't know the rule.

What has the rules got to do with it? Well, the way you're talking, there must

be some rule getting me flinging with this other hand. Look, an accident

happened. You don't worry about the rules. We'll get this hand in shape.

The other hand.

You can pitch with your right hand, too.

This is good.

Just...

Thank you. Just one thing. The bender don't go this way. It goes that way.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it. I knew it.

Hold on. Hold on a minute, will you?

Yes, Alfred. That's Mr. Phil Rizzuto.

Newback Hotel, Kansas City.

Will you stay on the call and let me know the minute you get him? It's very

important. I'd appreciate it. Thank you very much.

How you feeling, Hank, baby? How you feeling? You ready, Sarge? Yeah, he's

ready. What do you want me to do, Sarge? Now that your hand is better, I want

you to take some batting practice.

Yeah, send it. Here's three balls. Okay, Sarge. Now, keep them out there a half

hour. Got it?

Goldman, you go and catch the paparelli. On the double. Okay, Sarge.

Sarge, will you do me a favor?

I'm your pal, ain't I? What do you want, baby boy?

Well, I ain't seen my gal Lula Bell in about three months now. Could I get some

time off?

I got a better idea. Why don't you invite her to stay down here? She could

in Roseville.

I don't know, Sarge. She ain't never been to no big city before.

Oh, she'll love it here. This town really jumps till 9 o 'clock. Oh, it's a

blockbuster. Why don't you call her up and invite her down here?

I can't call her, Sarge. We ain't got no phones at home.

Oh. Well, send her a wire.

Is that like a telegram?

Yeah.

I'll help you send her later. Go out there and wait for her. You are good to

Sarge. Why not? Why?

Oh, this guy's too good to be true.

I think I'll ask for $125 ,000.

That's a lot of money, Sarge. It's worth it. He throws right -handed, left

-handed. He could pitch double -headers.

By the way, what makes you think Rizzuto's going to be interested in an

ball player?

When he hears from his old pal Ernie Bilko, you kiddie.

Wait a minute.

Maybe Rizzuto. Keep your fingers crossed.

Hello? Yes, operator.

Mr. Rizzuto's ready. I'll talk to him.

Hello, little baby boy. How's the old scooter made? Are you there on a tank?

Well, this is Bilko. Look at Phil. Here's what I... Didn't they tell you

Bilko? Look, I want... Ernie Bilko. B -I -L -K -O. Bilko.

Must be a bad connection.

Look, Phil. Here's what I want.

Phil. No.

Wait a second. Don't hang up, Mr. Rizzuto. This is... Mr. Rizzuto. I'll

for this call myself, and $3 is an awful lot of money to a G .I.

who served in New Guinea and Okinawa.

Remember this?

I know you're a very busy man, but if you want to do the Yankees a favor,

to this and listen to it good.

They got a catcher down here with the Roseville Rockets. A catcher, yes.

He's with the Roseville Rockets. He hit five home runs yesterday, and he wasn't

even trying. This is the greatest natural ball player. He's a catcher.

Roseville Rockets. It's not far from Kansas City. Rose... You will?

That's wonderful, Phil. You'll never regret it. Thanks a lot, pal.

Yankee. Hey, Yankee. Is he coming? Better than that. He's sending down a

scout right down here. Sergeant, Sergeant, something I don't understand.

was all that about a catcher?

He don't dig it.

Every baseball scout prides himself that he can discover raw talent, right? I'll

be touting Doberman. I'll let the scout discover Lumpkin by himself.

What are you doing back so soon? Sarge, I pitched three balls to him. I told you

to keep him out there a half hour. We can't find the balls.

He hit them outside.

It was frightening.

Frightening? Sarge, he was bunting.

It's Stu.

Sarge, you do me a favor.

Anything. Anything.

As soon as we get some more baseballs, could I take a real swing?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Scout. Come down as our guest.

Thanks, Sergeant.

Wait till you see this catcher you're going to flip.

What's his name?

Doberman. Dwayne Doberman. Look at him. He moves as graceful as a ballet dancer.

He looks fat and slow to me. Oh, it's all muscle, pal. All muscle. He stole 38

bases last season. Hey, who's the pitcher?

That pitcher. The one warming up for Roseville. He throws pretty hard. Local

boy, no experience. You keep your eye on the catcher. That's the way he plays.

He's pretty strong.

Oh, that Doberman is as strong as an ox and he's still growing. I'm talking

about the pitcher.

Oh, him. Local boy, no experience. You want to watch the catcher. He hits the

ball a mile.

He hits a ball a mile. How come he's up eight?

Hey, who's that?

Oh, you see the... Oh, look! The game is starting!

I believe it's a bat. Now watch it. You'll see some fancy catching.

What's his name, anyway?

Doberman. Dwayne Doberman. I mean the pitcher. Pitch? Oh, Lumpkin, Schmumpkin,

something like that. I don't know. Watch it.

That's working, Dwayne, baby, babe.

Boy, look at that boy throw.

He threw that ball with his other hand.

Oh, he's a show -off. He's just a flash in the pan. You want to watch?

I got a hunch that kid could pitch in a majors right now. Well, you're right.

Look at him. He moves just like Yogi Berra. And you want to know something?

I think you can pick him up for a bonus of only $10 ,000.

What did you say? I think you can pick Goldman up for a bonus of $10 ,000,

$9 ,000. How much for the pitcher? Oh, the pitcher.

Him?

$125 ,000 in cash.

What?

5 ,000. He may be worth it at that. I want the front office to get a look at

him. Good. I'll have him in Kansas City first thing in the morning. No good. He

ain't from New York tonight.

No trouble. We'll be in New York. Come on. Let's go.

Don't you want to watch your catcher? I'm sick of looking at him. Come on.

I got him. I got him. Three day passes. Come on. We've got to be at the air base

in 15 minutes. Let's go. Where are we going, Sarge? We're going off to New

City and have us a little fun. Huh?

Wait a minute, I can't go.

Lula Belle's coming here.

I thought of that. I wired her some money last night. She's going to meet us

New York City. Does the old Sarge think? Do I think? What are you saying? Come

on, come on.

Oh, New York Yankees, here we come.

Hold on a minute, friend.

What's the matter?

Did you say Yankees? Yeah.

I was going to keep this as a surprise, Hank. You're going to get a tryout with

the New York Yankees.

Oh, I don't reckon I can do that, Sergeant.

My daddy wouldn't hold still for me being on the same side with Yankees. Oh,

wait a minute. The Civil War's been over 90 years.

I'm sorry, Sergeant, but my pappy says generally give up too soon.

I want to tell you a joke.

That New York Yankees don't mean nothing. That's just a name. They're

Southern Mountain Boys.

Sure enough, I shouldn't listen to their names, country boy slaughter.

Hillbilly Scowrin', Mickey Moonshine Mantle, and then there's Hank Fowler.

the same first name as you've got. Well, you sound like rotten -ass Fowler. Now,

you don't think Colonel Casey Stangle would have anything but southern boys

him, do you?

Oh, I reckon not, Sergeant. That's the kid I was telling you about, Cousin

Casey. The tooth dentist.

Yeah, let's go.

How does he out feel?

This is it.

Over there, Mr. Topping is watching.

Now get in there and throw like you throw to those squirrels. You got it?

get in there. Good luck. Throw it, boy.

Hey, Sarge, should I? Get in there and catch him. Call for the butterfly fling.

Move it.

Hey, Hank, give it to your butterfly.

Atta boy, swell hang.

What do you think, Mr. Topping?

He's amazing. I've never seen anything like him. Now watch his fastball.

He'll win 30 games for sure. Easy.

From now on, we'll clinch the pennant in July.

I'm tired of having to wait till September. Don't you want to watch him

Never mind, I'm sold.

Bring him up to the office right away.

All right, where's this Bilko fellow?

Oh, he'll be here any minute. I gotta warn you, this Bilko's a real con man.

Oh, leave him to me.

I'll get this lumpkin guy for a bonus of $15 ,000, maybe less.

Oh, I'm sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting. I was delayed on the phone with

Mr. Hank Greenberg of Cleveland. Very insistent man. Don't go. This is Mr.

Topping. Hold back just a minute.

Who doesn't know the famous Dan Topping? I've been an admirer of yours for

years, sir.

Let's get out of business, Bilko. Shall we?

Yes, your boy's good.

Well, thank you.

I'm willing to go as high as $10 ,000 for him. Well, that's very nice of you.

However, I have a few ideas I'd like to kick around with you. Good. Let's go in

here. We'll talk later. Thank you.

Good that you drive a hot bargain, Mr. Topping.

I'm sorry, Bill Cole. That's the best I can do.

Well, if that's the way you want it, okay, he's yours for $125 ,000.

See you later, fellow Cole.

Don't forget our little plan. It's very important. Thank you. You've done a

wonderful job. Good man.

Should get a raise. Great job.

Giving him $125 ,000?

I'm lucky at that. He wanted a piece of the stadium.

He should be here now.

Yeah. I hear him.

He got it. He got it.

Where's Hank? I got to get him to sign his contract. He'll be right back. He's

with Lulu Bell. Did you see her yet? Does she at least wear shoes?

No, we ain't seen her. Yeah, but look, and he's still upset about playing with

the Yankees. No kidding. Why? He took a look up at the stadium today and he

said, all them flags flying are not one Confederate flag. Forget about it. I got

a question.

What's that?

You'll see for yourself when you see Mr. Yogi Berra.

Mighty Ford, Phil Rizzotto, and Gil McDougal. I got a plan. Here's the way.

could be him.

Where's the roulette?

She's in her room, rushing up. Here, sit down a minute. Here.

I want you, son, to sign this.

Write that.

What is it? That's a baseball contract.

You're going to get a bonus of $125 ,000.

$125 ,000? Yeah, boy.

That's a lot of money.

Pen, pen, pen, pen. Sign it right there, Hank. Sign it. That's a good boy. Sign,

sign. Sign it. He's not signing. Sign it. Sign it. Gee, Sarge, I don't know.

What's wrong now?

Well, my pappy ain't gonna like it one bit, me playing up north with the

Yankees. Hank, I told you a hundred times they're all southern boys.

Well, I ain't calling you no liar, Sarge, but I sure didn't hear no

accents out at that ballpark today.

All right, Hank, don't take my word for it. The owner himself will be up here.

You can ask him.

That must be him now. Come in!

Well, bless my soul, Hank.

This here is Colonel Dan Falcon.

This is Hank Lumpkin. Well, I'm glad to meet you, Colonel. Shown up.

Here we have Colonel Philip Calhoun Rizzuto.

I do. Shown up. And coming this way is Colonel Gilbert Beauregard MacDougall.

Hi, all. Shown up. Well, bless my soul, here's Colonel Whitey Stonewall Ford.

I do.

Shown up. And last but not least from the deep south, this here is Colonel

Ashley Burra. Why, please, make your acquaintance.

Sure enough.

Yeah. Colonel Yogi is going to be your catcher. Isn't that right, Yogi?

Sure enough. I like him. Good. He reminds me of Doberman. Yeah.

Who's Doberman?

Well, gentlemen, I guess you all came here to pick up the contract.

Sure enough. Well, Hank, these gentlemen know how to get back to their

plantation. You sign the contract, they'll give us the check. Isn't that

gentlemen? Sure enough.

Sure. I'll be glad to sign this. That's a good boy. Sign right there. Sign,

sign. That's it.

Here's the contract, Colonel.

And this has been checked.

Oh, I wish I was in a line of cotton. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, General,

we'll talk to you soon. We'll talk to you soon. We'll talk to you soon. We'll

talk to you soon. We'll talk to you soon. We'll talk to you soon. We'll talk

you soon. We'll talk to you soon. We'll talk to you soon. We'll talk to you

soon.

We'll talk to you soon.

Think, Hank, in a few weeks you'll be playing in the major leagues.

That's right, Lulabelle. Don't you worry about Lulabelle. I'll handle her. Let

me take... That must be her now. I'll get it.

Let me handle Lulabelle, right? Honey, is that how you handle these things?

Sorry.

Hank, honey, I thought you were coming right back.

You left me up there all by my lonesome.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Lulabelle, I'd like for you to meet my buddies.

This here's Corporal Henshaw, and that's Corporal Barbella.

Hiya. And this here's my best buddy of all, Sergeant Bilko. Hi, y 'all. Honey,

the sergeant wants me to stay up north for a little while and play baseball.

Dad, no.

Can't look. And you said you was getting discharged from the army in four weeks.

You mean you ain't a coming home?

Well, it's just for a little while.

Nothing doing.

Folks back home are talking their fool heads off about me being 16 years old

not married off the age. Little dad, I can explain my... Watch out!

out of that mean old army, I'm going to find me another bowl.

So now you make up your mind what you're going to do right here and now.

Oh, Gina, I'm right confused.

Look, honey child, I can explain. Close your flower mouth and don't honey child

me. What am I supposed to do while he's playing that little boy's game all day?

Well, lots of the wives...

you as me. Play baseball or marry up here with Lulabelle.

Yeah, Mr.

Sergeant.

What would you do, huh?

No contest.

I'd play ball with Lulabelle.

What?

Pitchers, it's a curve. Ted swings and misses.

It's the third time today that he has struck out Williams.

And now he's getting all set to pitch to Jensen. He's got this crowd out here

just tearing up the PPAC.

Lumpkin now is going to turn around and pitch to him. Lumpkin's got a no -hitter

going against the Red Sox. We'll have to watch that double draw. Come on, sit

down, will you, Sarge? Don't be a sore loser.

Jensen swings, misses. How do they get that Lumpkin to sign?

Lulu Bell said she'd never let him go. How? How?

Here comes Red Bob.

Folks, here in the middle of the 7th, nobody has gotten on against Lumpkin

pitching right -handed. And nobody has gotten on against Lumpkin pitching left

-handed. The old redhead has certainly enjoyed being with you. And now to take

you down the rest of the way, here's my sidekick.

Come in, partner.

Hi, y 'all sports fans.

It's a right beautiful day for baseball here.

Isn't that a great fly, that Confederate flying a weapon in the tree? How about

that? Ready now for the bottom of the seventh. Yogi Bear leading off and on

smooth. Smooth scouring, that is.

The one thing I didn't figure out. They rung in Red Barber on me, a real

southerner. That's it. The solid south, you can't beat them. But Sarge, you're

the one that's... Oh, hush your mouth.

Sarge, how come you... Hush your mouth.

Hush, you carpetbaggers.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Dick Van Dyke as Hank Lumpkin.

Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzik, Jimmy Little as Sergeant Grover, Joyce

Lulu Bell, Frank Caponella as a scout, Frank Milan as Dan Topic, Bill Rizzuto,

Yogi Berra, Gil McDougall, Whitey Ford, and Red Barber played themselves.