Original subtitles

week of maneuvers will be in this section of the desert all troops will

and run to point a and will eventually flank out into this area are there any

questions what time do we move out of camp tomorrow sir oh 800 is there anyone

off duty because of illness no sir all the men are physically fit good but be

prepared for sergeant bilko to drop in your office first thing in the morning

with some rare ailment that'll battle medical science he won't get by me this

year sir i'll believe it when i see bilko out in the field you can depend on

One week from today, Bilko and his platoon will be with the rest of the

out in the desert.

Right about here.

Right about here in the desert is where we will be one week from today. The next

day, we move by truck to this spot here, which is 12 miles from paradise,

commonly known as Las Vegas.

When do we leave, Sarge? Tomorrow morning, 8 o 'clock.

Tomorrow morning? Why can't we leave tonight?

What's the matter with you guys? We can't leave before the colonel and the

of the army. It'll look suspicious. Yes, sir.

Las Vegas is going to be out of bounds. All the better. We won't have a lot of

soldiers crowding us off the tables.

What if we get caught?

Oh, Schimke, you're such a defeatist. Any other foolish questions? Hey, he's

right, Sarge. What if we get caught? You know what? We say we got lost in the

desert. We wandered around until we came upon a mirage, which had a sign on it,

Welcome to Las Vegas.

Why didn't I think of that? Because you don't think, you don't...

All right, gentlemen, briefing is over. I'm going over to the colonel now and

the rest of the staff to assure them we're in tip -top shape and raring to

Before leaving, however, I would like a vote of confidence.

Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

Colonel Hall. Yes? Sergeant Bilko to see you, sir.

Bilko. Well, this is it, gentlemen.

The irresistible force is about to meet the immovable object.

This is one maneuver Bilko's not going to get out of. Send him in. Yes, sir.

I'll bet he's got a doozer this time, but I'm ready for him.

Sergeant Vilko, Motor Pool reporting, sir.

Yes, Vilko? Just calling to report that all motor vehicles are on tip -top

shape, sir.

And? That's all, sir.

That's all?

Oh, just the men and I are ready to go, sir. Ready to go to the hospital then,

Vilko?

Never, sir. I've never felt better in my life, sir.

Oh, of course. Then it's your favorite uncle who's sinking fast in New York and

you're ready to go on emergency furlough to be by his side.

Oh, no, sir. The old gentleman is enjoying perfect health, but he'll be so

delighted that you asked, sir. I'll be sure to tell him. All right, Bilko.

stop playing games. What is it? What have you got up your sleeve?

Nothing, sir.

Just that the men and I are so looking forward to these maneuvers, sir.

And that's all?

That's all, sir.

Just one thing, sir. Aha!

I'll have your staff guard in front of your door at 0743, sir. Thank you, sir.

Good show.

We've been going on maneuvers.

Gentlemen, I've done it. I've broken his spirit. Good work.

That'll be all, gentlemen. See you in the morning.

Then came my wife.

Hello, Nell.

Let's have something special for dinner tonight.

Oh, I don't know. I just feel like celebrating.

The occasion?

I've just outfoxed a fox. I've got somebody where I want him.

Why is Bilko so anxious to go on desert maneuvers?

Why?

Why?

John, you haven't touched a thing.

Why?

So you can keep up your strength after all you're going on desert maneuvers.

Why? Oh, I don't know why. You do it every year.

Yes, but never with him.

Las Vegas!

That's why!

All right, playboys, line up for your final

briefing on Operation Mirage. Item number one, cash on hand. We have $123

Platoon Welfare Fund.

Check. Now, here's how it all breaks down.

On arrival in Las Vegas, you will separate into small units. You

Paparelli, Zimmerman. Hey, yeah!

Now, you will each be given $10, which you will change into quarters and

to the nearest slot machine.

While there, you will maintain a sharp lookout for machines that have been

warmed over by losers.

When the losers leave, take the machines over and step in for the kill. How's

your arm, Dino?

Loosey -goosey. Now, on arrival, you will proceed to the nearest roulette

where you will play the Bilko system, which I repeat for you.

Black on the seventh spin, red on each thirteenth spin. If odd numbers persist,

you will then play double zero. If it's the left -handed troupe here, you play

the entire system backwards. Have you got it? Yes, sir. Now, you'll each be

given five dollars apiece, which you will change into chips.

Now,

I need volunteers to check on the loose change in the coin boxes.

All right, men, as I was telling you on these maneuvers, the enemy of all

vehicles is sand.

Sand is our enemy. We must keep them... There he is, men.

Thank you, sir.

I was just telling the men, even though we're a small part of these maneuvers,

sir, we're an important cog in that vast machine called the Army, sir. I've

never seen you and your men so eager to get out in the field, Bilko. Eager?

Indeed we are eager. Look at their faces, sir, raring to go. I've been just

giving them their assignment, sir. Good. You know, we never like to gamble with

the success of the maneuvers, Bilko.

Gamble with national defense? Never, sir. Glad to hear it.

That's why I'm leaving you and your men behind to guard the camp. Believe me,

sir, you'll never regret it.

There must be some mistake, sir. The men are rare in the gold. This will shatter

their morale, sir. I'm sure they can get to Las Vegas some other time.

Las Vegas?

What a Las Vegas.

Don't play innocent with me, Bilko.

I know why you're so anxious to go.

Really, sir. If the colonel's going to breathe the vicious lies of some low

-down stool pigeon... I'm a low -down stool pigeon, Bilko. I figured it out

myself. Sir, I don't understand... That's an order.

You and your platoon will stay behind to guard this camp for the two weeks we're

away on maneuvers. Guard the camp, sir? That's right. And I expect to find it

here when I get back.

I'm just chafing for action, sir.

I'll give you plenty of action.

While I'm gone, I want the day room in the recreation hall in first -class

shape. I want the floor straight, the walls painted, and the windows washed.

Any questions, Wilco?

No, sir. The colonel seems to have thought of everything, sir.

Goodbye. See you in two weeks. Thank you, sir.

What are you going to do, though, Sarge? I'll just murder him. Get off my back.

What do you want from me?

A sergeant is standing?

Any action, Sarge? I've been a soldier around for miles. Anybody's away on

maneuvers. Boy, I was really counting on this trip.

One good night at that dice table, and I'd have enough money to send my kid to

camp for two weeks. Well, your kid will just have to be disappointed.

Hey, Sarge, why don't we lend Fender the money from the welfare fund?

Why don't we?

It's all right with me. The money's doing us no good. How much do you need?

$125. All right.

Give him.

$125? Where is this camp? On the French Riviera?

No, it's in Staten Island. They all cost the same. They give the camper the

fancy Indian name, and then they soak you.

What a business. Sure, all they need is a little land in the open.

$25 for that? Hey, Sarge, we got it better here. Of course, we got it better

here, you know.

Know what, Sarge? They're going to have it better here. Who? The jolly little

campers who are going to spend the happiest two weeks of their lives at

Poconocahoochee. Camp Poconocahoochee? Yes, right on the beautiful shores of

Lake Chipmunk. Where's that?

You're standing right in it, Counselor Pavarelli.

Madam, I saw your little boy.

A manly little fellow. The type of boy that Camp Poconocahuchi can do wonders

for. But I never heard of your camp.

May I tell you sincerely, as head counselor, I couldn't be more pleased.

Because, you see, Poconocahuchi in Cherokee means village of the hidden

And we try to adhere to that no publicity policy.

I don't get children from good families. May I tell you sincerely that our camp

has been...

Dwight D. Eisenhower, Douglas MacArthur, Lord Bob Batten, and Bob Hope. He was

one of our more jolly campers. Do you remember all the scams?

You say that the camp will be open for only two weeks? Yes, that's because we

have the staff of Poconoca, who she had to buy the system, that we do in two

weeks. But the other camps take two months to do. Well, it sounds wonderful.

Will you take a chance? Well, of course. The money is of no consequence. We just

want the little fellows to be happy.

So far, everything's going according to schedule.

Hey, Sarge, what about dinner for the kids? Oh, I have a very special treat

the little fellows.

Chipped beef on toast.

I told them it was Indian paddling. Where are they now? They're running

the obstacle course. They think they're on a buffalo hunt.

Buffalo hunt? Okay.

But keep Doberman out of sight.

Did I tell you we'd make a success out of this camp business?

Sarge, the camp's a great idea.

Now, what about the work we've got to do before the colonel gets back? He's

right, Sarge. Remember what the colonel said? The floor's scraped. The window's

washed up. Will you let me walk? Hey, Sarge!

This will make you not be furious.

Well, have you got them with you? Got all my comic books with me, Sarge. Now,

remember, tonight at the campfire, you read those.

Read me? Yes. Oh, practice, practice, Big Chief.

How? How, Chief Fender, how?

How? You tell me how.

Around the obstacle course.

Go, go, Big Chief, to the happy resting grounds.

Grow, brave warrior that you are. Well, little braves, are we all having fun at

Pocono Coochie? Fun, fun, fun, fun?

Hey, Big Chief Philco, you told my mother we'd go swimming at Lake

so we will, Little Roger, so we will.

I want to go now.

Well, unfortunately, the chipmunks are in there now. After all, we must show

some consideration to our four -footed little friends.

Now, we're going to have Indian folklore.

Indian folklore? All right.

Now, as every American schoolboy knows, the Indians invented two great games,

lacrosse and scrape the floor.

For the cross season, we're going to start by playing scrape the floor.

How do you play it? It's very simple, Roy. You take a block of wood, a piece

sandpaper, you wrap the wood with the sandpaper, you put it on your hands and

knees, and you scrape the floor.

The Indians didn't have floors.

That's because they scraped them all away. That's behind you in the game.

Oh, you are bright. Well, who wants to start playing the game?

With that ten -mile hike you've got scheduled for tomorrow.

Don't the kids want to go?

It's not the kids. Nobody in the platoon wants to go on a 10 -mile hike. They'll

go. They'll go.

One of the kids just gave me this to mail.

Dear Mom and Dad, this camp stinks.

Your loving son, Roger. Oh, troublemaker. We've got to stop this

becomes a mutiny.

All right, Graves. Story time is over. Here we go. We're going to have letter

writing time. I already wrote them.

But we can't write enough to our mother and fathers now, can we? All right, get

those pads out. Get those pencils up. Fast like little Indians. All right,

everybody write what I dictate, and then we'll show you how to do it. Here we

go.

Now we start.

Dear Mommy and Daddy.

How do you spell Mommy?

Dear Mommy and Daddy, I am having a wonderful time at camp.

I am as brown as an Indian. I sing all the live long day.

And don't worry about me, your loving son. Now you all sign your names.

You signed it. You wrote it.

You're not showing the proper camp attitude. If you don't change, I'm going

have to send you home.

What time is the next bus?

You apologize. We'll have a look at this time. All right, pads in.

Pads in. Here we go. Chief Rocco.

Chief Henshaw, get the pads.

All right, Braves. It's time for your nap.

Sleepy, sleepy time.

Hit the sack. Everybody hit the sack. Hit. Not you, Buffalo.

Out on the ring. Out.

Hit that sack. Here we go. Lights on. Let's go.

What's that?

Sounds like a motorcycle.

Motor... Hey, Mac.

Since when did they change the name of Fort Baxter to Camp Poconocahoochee?

camouflaged. Well, I got a message for Colonel Hall. Where is he?

Colonel Hall? He's out on maneuvers. Maneuvers? Where you been, buddy?

were called off yesterday.

Called off? Yeah, on a car of sandstorms. Look, he should be back

that he gets this message.

Wrapping them younger every day.

What are we going to do?

We'll just get the kids out of here, take them home, refund half the money.

still show enough profit.

All right, Braves, I am proud of you. You have just set a new record. A new

record? Yes,

you have just completed a two -week vacation course in one week. I think

deserves a cheer.

All right, braves. Before we break camp and head on our separate trails, we all

take the oath of the sealed lips.

What for?

It's an Indian custom. Hands up. We are now blood brothers. Let the tiger in.

Can you reach, tiger? Get in here, tiger.

That's it. Everybody reach. Now repeat after me.

I promise on my honor as an Indian brave.

I promise on my honor as an Indian brave. I will not tell about Pocono

to my mother. To my mother. Or to my father.

To my father. Or to anyone else who tries to pump me, including my teacher.

Or to anybody.

This, I swear, with the sign of the secret oath.

It's right here, Sergeant.

Now, Roger, we've taken all the other little boys home, and now we hate to say

goodbye to you, so we're just going to ring the bell, and we're going to run.

And don't forget the oath of secrecy. Did you ring it? Yeah. Hey, Sarge, look,

nobody answered.

Somebody's got a... Your boy is home.

I don't see any lights. I guess they're not home. Hey, look, Sarge, there's a

note, a note file. Well, read it.

Dear milkman, have gone out of town. Don't deliver any milk until Tuesday.

Warren. Tuesday? That's not till tomorrow.

What are we going to do with them till then?

How about we take you to one of your relatives? Have you got a relative?

Sure. Good.

I got an uncle in San Francisco.

Maybe Roger's got a friend.

How about that? We'll take you to your best friend's house.

I ain't got a best friend.

That figured.

I've got an idea.

What? How about Camp Poconoco Hoochie?

Roger, you know Poconoco Hoochie is closed for the summer.

Then what about Fort Baxter?

That just opened for the summer.

You knew all the time, didn't you, Roger?

Uh -huh.

Hey, Sarge, what are we going to do with him? We can't leave him in the street

all night. We've got to take him back to the camp with us. Just how about that?

We'll take you back to the camp with us. You can stay there and be like real,

real army.

Then I want to get paid.

Let's figure it out.

They're hiding.

All right, here. Here's a quarter.

A quarter? You've been to a candy store lately.

Make it a dollar.

You're a good boy, Roger.

That's a call to the kids' home. I hope those kids' parents are home. We've got

to come out of here before the colonel gets back. I know. Here's a breakfast

kid ordered. Kid ordered what?

Bacon and eggs?

Waffles? Pancakes? Potato chips?

How did you get this stuff out of the mess hall?

I told him that you were sick.

I was sick.

Roger, I told you to stay in there. Stay in there. Don't you come out of here,

Roger. Now do what I tell you. Inside, inside.

Oh, what a kid.

Sixty -five pounds of pure trouble. Oh, Lenny, I made a phone call. Well, any

answer? Still no answer. Well, stay with it. They've got to answer eventually.

Right. Look at that. All right, you men. Remember, this is the motor pool. I

want this place spanking clean. When the colonel gets back, I want him proud.

We're going... That is, men.

Colonel, sir, it's good to see you back in the desert. Sun has done wonders for

you, sir.

We didn't have much of it, Bilko. Mostly sandstorms. Yes, I know, sir. We were

all terribly disappointed when we heard the maneuvers were called off. It's all

right for you to come back, sir.

Isn't somebody trying to get out that door? No, sir. It's just the draft, I

guess. The ventilation here is quite strong.

Colonel, you've given us all a moral uplift by dropping by, and I know you

a busy day. Can I show you to your door, sir? I didn't come to visit, Bilko. I

have something to say.

Sir, I can explain my... I didn't believe it possible.

But you and your men did a splendid job in the day room and recreation hall

while I was away.

Well, thank you, sir. It was merely child's play, sir.

Can I drop you off at your office, sir? Thank you. Thank you, no. What is it I

smell? It smells like pancakes.

Smell? Do you smell anything?

I don't smell anything.

Quiet! Quiet in the kitchen! I could swear that I... Hey, you forgot to catch

him!

I saw somebody.

Somebody? Did you see anybody?

I didn't see anybody.

Stop it!

Get back here on your duties.

I distinctly saw a small boy go in that room. Small boy, sir? It must be the

Death Summit. It's a mirage of some kind, sir.

You, put down that waffle and come out here.

Who are you and what are you doing here? Oh, no, no. Don't make him tell the

story again. He's just a small boy. It's much too painful, sir. What story? Oh,

you wouldn't believe it, sir. I know I wouldn't, but let's hear it.

I think no one is going to hurt you again. You're safe here with your Uncle

Ernie. Uncle Ernie? Yes, sir. The boy is my nephew, sir. I can appreciate that,

Bilko, but you can't have him here in the barracks. You know the rules. Rules?

Sir, are the rules to ease the suffering of a young boy? Are the rules to mend a

small boy's broken heart, sir?

There, there, you're safe. No one's going to hurt you. Sir,

could you believe this? When this little tyke came home last night, his parents

were gone. All that was left was a note in an empty gin bottle.

What is it?

Go to the one man who loves and understands you, your Uncle Ernie, sir.

Oh, it's one of those sad stories of a broken home, sir. The mother drinks, the

father gambles.

Don't cry, don't cry.

You know you can't keep him in the barracks. But, sir, I have to keep him

someplace, sir.

You do have a problem, don't you? Yes, I do.

Why don't Mrs. Hall and I look after him until you clear up this matter with the

family? Oh, that won't be necessary, sir. I'll make one more effort to

his parents and it'll be all right. Until you do, Mrs.

Hall and I will take care of him. He'll be better off with us. Go with Uncle

Colonel.

Sir, can I just kiss the little boy goodbye, sir?

Come, Uncle Eddie.

Don't forget the secret oath.

For how much?

Go. Go with the colonel. You'll love Mrs. Hall. And here. Here's your

Buy them a present when you leave.

Bye, Uncle Ernie. Goodbye, little boy. If we hurry, maybe Mrs. Hall will have

some breakfast later.

Sarge.

Hey, Sarge. That's why they got the kid's parents on the phone. They're all

dead. Where were you before?

I couldn't come in. The colonel was still here.

Well, now I've got to get the kid back from the colonel. How? How? I don't know

how. How?

I'll tell the colonel I'm going to send him to camp. How?

I'll see who it is.

Show me some more pictures, Uncle Jack.

Roger,

you're Uncle Ernie.

Roger, you can smile again.

Your folks are back home, Roger.

What's the rush?

I've got a chocolate cake coming. Roger, you don't understand. Your parents have

come back home.

Really? Do you think it's safe? Oh, yes. They both reformed. She's got a job

back at the public library and he's joined the bird watchers, sir. Oh, he

home again. You understand, Mrs. Aldo. Oh, I know how his mother must feel. We

must let him go, John.

Mrs. Aldo, you have a true mother's heart. Come, Roger. We're going home.

I've got to wash his face. He's got jam on it. Oh, go have your face washed,

Roger. I'll get his coat. Thank you, sir.

Well? Ernie, you're a genius.

That's another Bilko miracle.

To you, it may be a miracle. To me, it's the work of a master tactician.

I'll get that.

Get in it.

There he is. There's the man from the camp.

What do I do? I'm dragging.

Who's at the door? It's Roger's parents. They've been drinking again. Well, I'd

like to talk to them. I'd like to give them peace of my mind. Maybe they may

have a bottle. Watch it, sir.

Colonel Hall?

Yes? I find out all about this man and his poking up a hoochie.

But I don't think you're in condition to see him. If my boy is here, I'm going

to find him.

Let go of my husband. This is ridiculous.

He took my son away. And I would have done the same thing.

Lady, I would have arranged it so you'd never get the boy if he were my nephew.

His nephew? His nephew?

She's been to the well again, sir.

Think this is a case for the juvenile authorities?

I don't think so, sir. The sight of that child seems to have brought around a

reformation, sir.

Let's tiptoe away and let them have their reunion.

Just a minute, soldier. You're not going anywhere.

I want to know what my boy is doing in Fort Baxter. We sent him to Camp

Poconocahoochee. And a good job you did of it, too. Look at that boy. Why, he's

bursting with health. He's as brown as a berry.

Just going.

Just a minute, Bilko.

If this boy was sent to Camp Poconocahoochee, what's he doing at Fort

That's exactly what I want to know. Me, too. I must admit I'm curious. Well, you

see. When I... Wait a minute. Let the child tell the story. We want the truth.

Go ahead, Roger.

No, he's been through enough. Let him talk. Please, don't let the little boy

talk. Let him talk.

Well, after the big fire... Sir, he's... Fire?

What fire?

Fire that burned down Camp Pocono Cahoochee. It started from a weenie

the campfire.

It spread like crazy.

We were all scared.

And if it wasn't for Sergeant Bilko and the brave soldiers of Fort Baxter who

rescued us, I wouldn't be here to tell this story.

And then you'd saved our boy's life.

I want to say I'm sorry, and I'd like to shake your hand, sir.

We all haven't heard the best part.

Don't press it, Roger. Since we lost the whole wicked camp poking Okahuchi, the

nice soldiers took up a collection.

So we can start a boys' club this summer.

And buy tennis rackets. Tennis rackets. Baseball hats.

Baseball hats.

Fishing rods.

Fishing rods.

Basketballs. Basketballs. We promised this.

Yes, we did. We did. Kids will all be waiting to start the club.

So I'll take the money now, Uncle Ernie.

Oh, yes, the money.

Sergeant Philco, you're wonderful.

Uncle Ernie, I want to thank you for everything.

And I want to thank you on behalf of the boys of Roseville.

Come, Roger. Come here.

You really touched.

So myself.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Daryl Richard as Roger, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs.

Hall, Lillian Schaaf as Mrs. Wall.