Original subtitles

[Bass thumping]

Extra Wet Double Soaker

with a side of Drippy Fries, and hurry.

I have to drive through residential areas

and wake people up with my tiny--big engine.

[Revs engine, tires squeal]

Ugh! Come on!

[Honks horn]

Goose: Honk! Man: Ugh.

Get out of the way, goose!

Goose: Honk!

Dunh! God! Ugh! So lame!

You better not mess up my bumper when I run you over,

or I'm gonna--

[Revs engine]

Goose: Honk. Man: Ugh!

[Grunting]

[Crack]

Aah!

[Screaming, goose honking]

[Sounds stop]

[Bass thumping]

-Cool car. -Honk!

[Theme music playing]

[Glass breaks]

Martinez: So today I would like to--

Flute: What's going on? Is this a religious service,

an AA meeting, a roast?

If so, I've got some good material.

Ahem. Wynona's been sampled by so many DJs

Spotify should send her a royalty.

Flute, these are the new morning meetings

we'll be having now that I'm the chief.

Did you not get the invite?

Oh, I got your invite,

and then I wiped my butt with it and threw it in the trash.

I sent it in an e-mail.

Which is why I need a new laptop.

Sit down and put your sandwich away!

Now that I'm in charge,

things will be different around here.

According to my new book

on Steve Jobs' leadership style,

the key to running a tight ship

is to think different

while wearing the same outfit

over and over again

until it smells terrible.

Also, I will no longer be acknowledging

my first child.

Why are we changing things?

I mean, this place ran just fine before.

back me up on how stupid your new boss

is being, Summers.

Summers: Uh, Summers isn't here right now.

Please leave a message. Boop!

Flute: Oh. Hey, Summers.

Sorry I missed you, but don't you agree

things ran just fine back when--

Summers: The voice mailbox is full

and does not want to take sides. Good-bye.

Dispatch: Body found in the Soakers parking lot.

Martinez: Team, let's go! Flute: I'm on the case!

Dispatch: Can we talk about getting me a window in here?

D-did you leave already?

That's right. I wouldn't know

because I don't have a window!

Hi. I'm Harmony.

I'll be chaperoning your field trip today

to City Hall.

I never went to middle school

because I was raised in the wild,

so I am super excited to finally see

what sixth grade is all about.

I hope my boobs don't look like that when I'm 60.

Harmony: I'm 38!

So is my court-appointed therapist.

Oh, that little bitch!

I'm obsessed. Who is she?

That's Khaleesi.

She's the coolest girl in our class.

Rumor has it she's dating a ghost

who's in high school.

She was so mean to me, yet all I want to do

is whatever she wants so that she'll like me.

-What's happening? -Welcome to middle school.

As you know, the legal voting age

in this country is 18 and over

except in Grimsburg, where our constitution

clearly states voters must be under the age of 18.

While most believe this was a simple typo,

unfortunately our 23rd amendment

is "no take backs,"

so with election season upon us--

Harmony: Nerd alert!

[Camera clicking]

Hey, Wynona. Did you see how stupid

Martinez look with her new professional pantsuit

and professional hairdo

and professional lack of laughter

when I put my butt up to the drive-thru mic

and ordered 3 medium... [Farts]

and a large chocolate... [Farts twice]

Don't drag me into your office hate affair with Martinez.

This is why I hang with dead people.

They don't put me in the middle unless I pose them that way.

Kang: Look. Things have changed, and you need to accept that

because this little spat between you two

is destroying the office vibe,

a vibe I've worked tirelessly to cultivate.

I didn't put that cactus agave candle

in the bathroom to have you ruin it.

Fix your beef with Martinez.

There's nothing wrong with my beef.

My beef is fine. Her beef stinks.

I just want to go back to the old system

where I do what I want when I want, how I want

why I want, where I want, who I want, whom I want,

and the lesser known but equally effective whomst I want.

New rule! No more crime minds!

[Smack]

The crime mind is my whole thing.

Without it, I'm just the best-looking detective

in the office.

Whomst do you think you arst?

Martinez: I arst your bosst,

which means I make the rules,

so from now on, we wear gloves

when handling evidence.

And what happens if I do this

or this or this?

Muh?

Ehhn, ehhn, ehnn!

OK. That's it.

Now, what are you gonna do, huh,

yell at me, call me a doofus,

curse me out in that other language you speak?

No. I'm going to write you up for insubordination.

Flute: Err.

Server: Here's your 3 medium... [Farts]

and one chocolate... [Farts twice]

sir.

Dilquez: Welcome, child voters!

Y'all bussin'. Bible. Heh heh.

Now my pollsters say you are a swing grade

for me in this election, and I respect that.

No cap, which is why I'll prove I'm

the only candidate who will fight for you in Fortnite

so that we can build something great

in Minecraft

and together we can tear down any Roblox

that get in our way.

Now let's get to the real pandering.

Children, please say hello to...

What the?!

If you'll excuse me for a moment.

Oh. Hey, Harmony.

He and I used to do it.

It's OK. His wife knew.

She sometimes watched, but then I was over it,

and now Mrs. Dilquez and I are best friends.

Adult sex is complicated.

You're so mother. I love it.

You're with us today. Take this.

Skates: It's made of substitute teacher hair.

[Sniffs]

I can smell their fear of you.

Martinez: It gives me no pleasure punishing you.

I look orgasmic for other reasons.

Flute: Oh, yeah? Well, I can write stuff down, too.

Mayor, thank God you're here.

I'm filing a report on Martinez. It's all there.

My goose is loose,

and youse twos need to find that goose,

so vamoose!

I just watched "The Lorax."

We're kind of on a murder investigation.

Isn't this a job for animal control?

Sorry, but Frank and the gang

have their hands full this week

with another wacky

but emotionally grounded adventure,

so you need to find him, and be careful.

My goose is...special.

I'll find your goose, but if I do,

Martinez can no longer be my boss.

Martinez: Mayor, would you please explain to Flute

that the reason I got this job over him is because--

Dilquez: I don't care about your departmental

squibble-squabbles,

so whoever finds my goose can have

whatever they want.

Oh, and if neither of you find him,

you're both fired.

Both: We accept your wild goose chase.

I'm gonna make you the smartest goose.

It's a low bar, but we're passing it.

-Honk. -Shh!

Honk!

[Librarian grunting]

[Goose grunting]

[Librarian groaning]

[Screaming]

Woman: Shh!

Librarian, whispering: Aah! Not the eyes.

I need them for reading because I'm a librarian! Aah!

Time to get that goose,

which will get Martinez's goose,

and then things will be back to the glorious,

gooseless, godless way it was before.

Summers: Let's go, you silly goose.

I'm sorry. That was in poor taste.

-I'm doing this alone. -Great!

Everyone else is on my team.

Flute: What? That's not fair.

I want a team, too.

Marvin: You just want them because I have them.

Flute: Uh, no doy!

That's how petty jealousy works.

Ugh. I'm sorry.

Would you mind stepping on a chair?

My back is killing me today.

Martinez: I'm the boss. You come down to me.

Flute: Fine.

[Grunting]

You can't tell me what to do!

Kang: Hey, hey! We've got a better chance

of saving the vibe and catching the goose

if we all work together.

Exactly. Together on separate teams

pitted against each other.

Let's pick.

[Grunting]

Ladies and whatever you are first.

Kang!

Summers: Ooh, ooh! Can I have a second

to practice my surprise face when you pick me over Wynona?

Ooh!

Wynona: But I don't want to be on anybody's team.

I want to be neutral like Switzerland

or journalists before the 1990s.

Summers...

you're with me.

Don't worry. You'll be my man on the inside.

Team Secret Flute.

Summers: Ooh! Do we get code names?

Flute: I'm already regretting this.

Summers: And I'm Dr. Marzipan.

These are the giant scissors I used to cut

the ribbon for the mall that burned down.

Ah! I are used to open the casino that exploded.

This. Oh, this! Oh, my God! This one's--

Khaleesi: Where's the cool thing you promised us?

Harmony: Yeah, we're sick of this. We want...

Taylor's version!

Uh, almost ready, but first, my wife.

[Machinery whirs]

Ha ha ha. Good one, honey.

Moving on.

Harmony: I'm in with the cool crowd.

We're wearing the wrong jeans. I'll fill you in later.

Stan: During the last election, you replaced

all of Grimsburg's subways with zip lines to make

public transportation, quote, "Greener and super rizzed up."

Have they actually lowered emissions

even though the busses you take to the top

run on diesel?

Uh...who wants to see an execution, huh?

[Librarian sobbing]

Flute: Afternoon, crying book officer.

Tell me everything you know.

Librarian: I already told the other detectives

the goose attacked me after I caught it reading.

Wait! Are you trying to tell me that

Martinez beat us here?

Great job, Wynona! Now I'm gonna lose

because you're slowing me down

like Matt Damon slows down Ben Affleck.

Hey. I didn't ask to be a part of this,

so stop taking your frustrations out on me and Matt Damon.

He's clearly the alpha in that relationship.

It's true.

Ugh. Whatever. We're wasting time.

We got to find out what Martinez knows!

All right? One of them is a superhero,

and the other one bought a zoo.

Come on!

Where are you going next, goosey?

[Cell phone vibrates]

Hello, Already Regretting This.

Go for Dr. Marzipan.

Flute: 'Sup? My team's doing great.

We basically solved it, so we're just chilling,

looking at Zillow porn.

Found a castle in Idaho for 90 grand.

Thinking about it, but while I got you,

tell me everything Martinez knows.

Martinez: Who are you talking to?

Summers: Aah!

Uh, my best friend Clarinet.

You wouldn't know him.

He's a single dad with a drinking problem,

who thinks I didn't see him cry over a hot dog

he dropped at a baseball game.

Flute: It cost $12 and was in a souvenir bun.

Martinez: I can't believe you betrayed me.

Flute: Don't worry, Summers.

I could use a guy like you on my team.

Wynona is being a total Matt Damon.

Martinez: I'm fine with those apples.

Wynona, want to join my team?

I'll let you take a body home this week.

Wynona: Ugh! Why can't we just get along

like the fire department

and make sexy calendars together

like a real public safety office?

[Crying]

Kang: Well, you two finally did it.

You killed the vibe.

Martinez: You can't kill a vibe.

It's not even real.

Not real, not real?

Then why would Spencer's Gifts sell a vibe meter?

We're at a two,

so now I have to go save the vibe

and find this goose without you.

Summers: Well, at least you still got me.

Martinez and Flute: Get out!

Dispatch: Truck explosion at the bread crumb factory.

Assailant described as short, white,

and covered in feathers.

My God! Bjork is back.

Dispatch: Not this time.

Reports are it's a goose who was last seen flying south

towards the Grimsburg Piescraper.

Not that I could see it in here.

All I can see is a 1998 "Dilbert a Day" calendar,

and I'm starting to find it funny.

Help me!

Stan: And in regards to fracking,

what did you mean when you said

"Unprotected fracking is fine if they look clean"?

Stan, can I see you in my office?

We got this

As long as he doesn't have one of those

Matt Lauer desk buttons.

Dilquez: All right. Who sent you?

The opposition, the news?

Is your cape a camera?

That's actually very plush.

Who makes this?

I just want to be an informed voter.

Why? The system is what it is,

and we just choose a new bozo to pop at the top,

and I want to stay that bozo.

I'll give you whatever you want to stop

this informed nonsense.

Now, this is real politics, Stanatee!

Greased palms and backdoor deals!

Tell him we want arson legalized.

Kang: Mayor, we need to talk.

Your goose is reading,

committing random acts of violence,

and ruining my work vibe.

Look. I've got an election to win,

and what do children love most?

Summers: Macaroni. Wynona: Ritualistic violence.

Dilquez: Talking animals,

so I went on the dark web and got the goose,

one of those limitless pills from that movie,

but I worried it might not be real

because, you know, it's just a movie,

so I also gave him some

CPH4 pills from the movie "Lucy,"

a few red pills from "The Matrix,"

and everything they took in "The Wolf of Wall Street."

So you made a "Limitless" "Lucy" talking goose?

Khaleesi: A talking goose?

[Cheering]

Called it.

Flute: The Grimsburg Piescraper,

the pie factory in the sky that the mayor built

after misunderstanding what it meant

to promise voters that very thing.

Martinez: I can't believe we have to work for that idiot.

Flute: Now you know how I feel.

[Goose honking]

Honk.

Martinez: Here, Mother Goose! Come on!

There you go!

We're like the same size, same size, same team.

Flute: No, no, no, come to me.

I've got a pocket full of scratch-offs

I can't tell if I won and this sandwich

somebody wouldn't let me eat.

Wait. Hey, little birdie honk honk.

You like hoagie honk honk?

Wait, Flute! Don't!

I think that goose killed the guy at the drive-thru?

Flute: Killer goose? Nice try.

Ha! I win.

Thank you, mayor's goose.

Goose: Oh. I'm the mayor's goose?

Flute: What's wrong, Martinez?

Jealous the goose isn't asking you ominous questions?

Agh! Talking goose.

Now it all makes sense.

The mayor made me.

He is responsible for who I have become,

and now he must take responsibility

for what I must do.

Martinez: What the--

[Wings flapping]

Flute: Well, there goes our goose.

Martinez: No, there goes our jobs.

Starting to wish that was Bjork.

Flute: Are you, though? Martinez: No. You're right.

Martinez: The goose is headed to City Hall.

To the stairs!

Flute: Stairs? There's no time.

We have to jump. It's way faster.

Look for a French café awning we can bounce off of.

Yoooou doofus! [Poof]

There she is. I thought I'd never see you again

after you sold out.

How did I sell out?

Reading all your management books and wearing

that stupid power suit.

You look like you're cosplaying

as a ladies' college basketball coach.

You know what? I don't love this outfit either,

but at least I don't look like I'm smuggling

a basketball under my shirt.

Really? A fat joke in this climate?

Grow up. Oh, wait, you already tried that?

-That's a short joke! -Those are still in play.

No one's made a stink about those yet.

Martinez: Speaking of stink... Flute: Don't you dare.

This is Russell by Kurt for Kurt Russell Cologne, stupid.

Martinez: Me stupid? You stupid!

I thought the stupidest thing in town

was the mayor's Piescraper until I met you.

Flute: That's about the stupidest thing

I've ever heard because everyone knows

the stupidest thing in town is the mayor's zipline.

Wait. What did you say?

Flute: I said that's the stupidest thing

I've ever heard.

-No, the other thing. -Russell by Kurt?

There was the basketball thing. Teeth?

Martinez: No, the zip line.

-I figured it out! -I said it first!

No, you said it, but I put it together.

How can you figure it out? It was my idea.

-You're so sad. -You're mental.

Goose, goose, goose, goose!

All right. We're gonna have to pay off this kids.

Cash, candy, and a sip of beer.

You know the drill.

Goose: Mayor Dilquez.

[Cheering]

Yes, yes. My gift to you, a talking goose.

[Click]

Please don't kill me.

Goose: I cannot kill you because I need you.

Where once I was happy to eat moss and bugs in a lake,

now I look upon those joys with confusion and disdain.

I dream of ignorance.

Make me a goose again.

Look, I wish I could change you back,

but I just can't.

They didn't make a movie called "Limitless Less."

[Whooshing]

Flute: Hands up!

Feathers up? Wings?

Goose: Change me back, or he gets it.

Oh, yeah, goose?

Well, two can play at that game.

Put your gun down, or she gets it.

Harmony: Oh, OK.

[Murmuring]

Why? She means nothing to me.

Flute: Join the club. She means nothing to me, too.

I mean, she used to before she got all boring

and started dressing like Pat Summitt.

Martinez: Wait. Used to? What do you mean by that?

-Elaborate. -I would never.

How about now?

[Indistinct chatter]

Flute: Fine. Ever since I lost this promotion,

I feel like I've lost my best enemy.

I miss us.

Martinez: So you're not jealous that I'm the chief?

Flute: No. I just want you to be a detective again

so we can go back to spiting each other as equals.

Everything is weird now. Not like you'd care.

Martinez: Maybe I do!

Flute: Then prove it, hotshot.

[Murmuring]

Martinez: OK, fine. I miss it, too.

My love language is hate,

but there's nothing we can do!

Flute: Why not? We--wait.

I think I need the gun again.

Summers: You can have mine.

Martinez: No. We're good.

-Why not? -Because I'm your boss now.

I can't fight with you anymore.

Can't you see that?

Kang: Enough!

Can't you see that fighting is what

makes you both better?

Martinez: We have no idea what you're talking about.

Kang: How about now, punks?

Khaleesi: Whoa! What's going on actually?

Flute: He's right. Once we started fighting,

we figured out how to get off that Piescraper,

but if we can't fight anymore,

then I'm done with this...

and the this I'm referring to is living.

[All gasp]

Martinez: No, Flute! Don't do it!

I know everything seems different

now, but--but--

Goose: But nothing... has changed.

-What? -Just because someone

is different does not mean everything must change.

Even though I am now all knowing,

it does not mean I cannot still be a goose and eat breadcrumbs

or lunge at an unsupervised toddler in the park.

So just because she's my boss...

Doesn't mean we can't hate each other.

Flute: I hate you, always will.

Martinez: And I wish you had pulled that trigger

and killed yourself...doofus.

All: Aw!

No. By the power vested in me by the hard-working children

of this city, I hereby pardon him

because I cannot kill the goose that lays

the golden egg of truth.

I guess the only thing that I really care about

in politics is compassion.

Khaleesi: O.M. God. He's crying?

What a loser baby.

I know this will end my time as a popular sixth grader,

but that loser baby is my baby,

and I am so mother, his mother, a mother.

I don't even know if I'm saying any of this right,

but you know what?

I don't care.

Khaleesi: Not caring? That is so father.

Dispatch: Body found at the corner of Diane Lane

and Peekaboo Street.

-Team, let's move! -I'm on the case!

Wynona: Uh-oh.

Are Mom and Dad gonna fight?

Nope. Good job today, numbnuts.

It's actually numbnut, and thank you.

Vibes so good I don't even have to check.

Flute: Team, let's move.

Take the lead, chief.

Heh heh.

Goose: And while I never consented

to the changes thrust upon me,

I now see that change often brings us

into a new light.

You know, like how they change the Batmans all the time.

-Oh. -Ah. I see.

Which is why today I announce

my candidacy for mayor,

and together, we will demand change.

Now that's a cool promise--change.

Can we go now? I'm so frickin' bored.

Voice: Bento.