Original subtitles

[♪ light music playing]

[announcer] Welcome to the stage, live from Hollywood Boulevard,

Los Angeles's own, Atsuko Okatsuka!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

-[cheering and applause] -[mouthing inaudibly]

[♪ upbeat music continues playing]

[cheering and applause continue]

What's up, Los Angeles?

[cheering and applause]

Hello, beautifuls. Thank you so much for being here.

You're here.

I'm here.

My husband is here.

-[cheering and applause] -Yes.

Oh, let me tell you, my husband and I, we do everything together.

We do everything together.

In fact, my dream is to get us a, a tandem bike.

[laughter]

That way everyone knows we're together.

[laughter]

From the front, it looks like one single lonely man on a bicycle.

But once he turns the corner, "Oh, what's that?

Is that Dora the Explorer?"

[laughter]

We're together forever.

[laughter]

No one ever before, no one ever after.

We're connected.

[laughter]

No one ever getting left behind, ever again.

It's beautiful.

That's the tandem bike.

And you know what else is awesome about a tandem?

Nobody ever steals them, right?

[laughter]

'Cause A, they're heavier than normal bikes.

And B, people will be like, "No, I don't want that.

[laughter]

"I don't want to steal that, no.

That belongs to those two losers over there."

We're matching.

That's ours. That's ours.

Yeah, it's heavy, ha!

[light laughter]

To steal a tandem, you need a partner.

[laughter]

That's hard to come by.

Someone you share chemistry with.

Someone who can keep up with you.

Because, now, you're out riding the law together.

[laughter]

It's a special bond.

If you fall...

they fall.

There's no "I" in tandem.

[laughter]

It's beautiful. It's romantic.

I want that for us.

We do everything together.

We tour together, we eat together.

We try to get in the same turnstile when there's a rotating door.

[laughter]

We are a nuisance to society.

[laughter]

And look, people have asked, "What would you do if your husband died?"

They're like, "We're worried about your codependency.

"What would you do if Ryan died?

Could you date someone else? Would you date someone else?"

[gasps] I know.

And it's like, here's the thing, okay?

Ryan, my husband, wakes me up every morning

by rubbing my belly.

And he goes, "Marinating, marinating."

Which gets me all revved up. I rush outta bed

and I go, "I'm ready to be cooked!"

[laughter]

That's how I get up every morning.

So, I ask you, could I date someone else if Ryan died?

Maybe.

[laughter]

But that person would have to learn that.

[laughter]

It's not so easy.

Plus, a tandem is customized to the right height

and weight of a person.

You can't just switch a person out. No.

If Ryan died, I would add another seat to the bicycle.

And when me and my new lover are out riding together,

it would definitely look like we lost someone.

-Where... -[laughter]

People would try to stop us. They're just, "Stop, stop!

Uh, someone fell off."

[laughter]

I'd be like, "Oh, no. He fell off a long time ago."

[laughter]

Hey, partners are hard to replace, right?

Because you develop a shorthand with the people you're intimate with.

Inside jokes that only you two understand.

Maybe you don't even need words. You get each other.

For example, when me and Ryan aren't liking something,

we just look at each other and we go... [grunting]

[laughter]

Very simple. No words needed.

You get it.

And when we're liking something, it's the opposite.

[grunting]

So, we were doing that in public.

[laughter]

My grandma was with us, she saw us doing it.

She took me aside and she was like, "Why don't you try making friends?"

[laughter]

I was like, "Sure, sure. Make friends, real easy," right? Like--

I have a question. Are you guys here with friends?

-[audience cheering] -Yes? Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's good, a lot of friends, that's good.

Uh, how do you make friends?

-[laughter] -As an adult?

Do you just, "Hello! What's your favorite color?"

Like we did as kids? Just, "Hello! Hi! Uh, Gemini!"

[laughter]

How's that not a serial killer?

[laughter]

Making friends as an adult is hard, right?

'Cause most adults already come with their set of friends.

So, I try to enter their space and they're like, "Oh, no, it's okay.

[laughter]

"No, it's okay.

I already have five."

Or they're like, "Oh, no, it's okay. I already have 30."

Some people have 30 friends. I've seen it.

[laughter]

I'm like, oh, like the Avengers?

[laughter]

They're like, "Yes, they're very special and unique in their own ways.

"We have all sorts of skills covered,

so, you know, we don't need, uh, bowl cut."

[laughter]

The hell?!

It's hard!

So, I'm like, okay, I guess I'll go join a church, you know?

They accept everyone.

[laughter]

But have you met everyone?

It's good to be picky.

[laughter]

It's hard, and I really am talking about this

as a grown person on stage, right?

'Cause, 'cause most comedians, right, or most male comedians,

they get up here, what do they want to know?

They just want to know like, "Oh, uh, you two together?

"Hey, uh, you fucking? Look at you fucking.

Ah, fuck! Fucking! Ah, fuck!"

[laughing] I don't know. "Ah, fucking, ah!"

[laughter]

Not me.

I don't care about that. I don't care about that.

I don't care who you're hooking up with. No, that's your own thing.

I want to know, how did you become friends?

[laughter]

Sincerely. That's all I care about.

[fake laugh] You look so happy!

[laughter]

I was watching you come in, okay?

There was a group of six people who came in together.

Six people!

How?

[laughter]

Six people. That's two cars.

[laughter]

The organization!

How?

How do you decide where to eat?

[laughter]

And some people say through work, right?

Work is a good way to make friends.

Anybody here friends through work?

-[scattered cheering] -Yeah? Okay.

Okay, that makes sense. That makes sense

because you have a, a common enemy, right?

[laughter]

A common enemy. Someone to talk shit about together.

The man. So, you're at work just being like,

"Mm, tick tack, tick tack, fuck him, ha-ha!"

[laughter]

I don't know, is that how work works? I-- Right?

You're just at work being... [grunting] "Tick tack, tick tack, fuck him, ha-ha!

I told him." [grumbling]

"Tick tack, tick tack. Hello?

I'm fired." You know, I don't...

[laughter] I pictured that's what would happen next.

Common enemy, that's how real bonds are made.

-[audience member] Woo! -Yeah, 'cause no two people

who feel real good about themselves ever become friends. No.

[laughter]

Not a real bond. Not a strong bond.

No, 'cause two people who feel real good about themselves,

comfortable in their skin, like on a walk, that's just surface conversations.

That's just small talk, chitchat. You know, just, "Oh, uh, sunny again."

"Yeah, sunny again."

[laughter]

That's my friend.

He loves weather.

No, when there's a common enemy, something scary you're running away from,

suddenly the conversations get real deep, real fast, right?

Just, uh, "Tell my family I love them." You know?

"Uh, you have a family?"

[laughter]

"Yes, I have two."

[laughter]

Hey, you get to know a person real fast when there's a common enemy.

People make friends fast on Love is Blind.

-Right? -[laughter]

On The Bachelor. On Survivor.

Lot of common enemies there.

People make friends so much so, that the villains on these shows

always make it a point to say what?

They walk in, what's the first thing they say?

"I'm not here to make friends." [gasps]

[laughter]

So, we know to hate that person together.

You're at home watching on your couch,

like, "Oh, my God, uh, they don't value friendship."

[laughter]

[grunting]

[laughter and light applause]

We turn to kids about it. "Friendship, good. Anti-friendship, bad."

And even if you make friends,

you have to have different groups of friends, right?

You have your daytime friends, who you sit up more straight for.

You have coffee with them.

Maybe you use bigger vocabulary words around them.

That's your daytime friends. You wanna impress them.

Then, you have your nighttime friends.

And these are the people you are currently with.

-[laughter] -[laughing sarcastically]

And these are the people you are more yourself around, right?

"Ah, so me!"

[laughter]

Yeah, and that's why your daytime friends can't meet your nighttime friends.

[laughter]

'Cause then they'll know you're a liar.

-Right? -[laughter]

"Wait, you drink?

I thought you were vegan." [gasps]

[chuckles]

"Uh, yeah. Uh, only during the day."

[laughter]

At night, I crave blood.

[laughter]

That's my real self.

[laughter]

And when you go home at night, your real, real self comes out, right?

Your true, raw, real self.

And that person oughta be arrested.

[laughter]

They're unhinged. You know that person.

That person that looks in the mirror and poses.

[laughter]

Why? Why?

You're never gonna be in that stance in public.

This? You're never gonna do that.

Why practice?

Nobody is gonna see that.

That person at home that pees with the door open...

and lets their pet watch?

[laughter]

Jail! Jail!

And if you go number two, solitary confinement.

Your poor animals. Why eye contact?

[laughter]

Jail!

Our true selves can't be trusted.

'Cause I'll tell you right now, okay?

When I'm being my real self, when I'm being my true, raw, real self.

Something I didn't tell you earlier is, sometimes me and Ryan

will put the soles of our feet together...

[laughter]

...and then slowly let our toes...

intertwine.

[laughter]

So...

thank goodness for friends.

They protect us from being our true selves all the time.

'Cause they'll tell you, right? "Please don't."

[laughter]

"Hey, you're not at home right now."

You're like... [gasps] "You're right!

I don't know why I started barking."

[laughter]

[barks]

Thank goodness for friends.

Your true self is scary. You don't know what's gonna come out.

I was taking pictures with some fans after a show.

It was a group of girls. They were like, "Let's do a silly one."

So, we did a silly one.

And then, they were like, "Let's do a serious one."

So, we did a serious one.

And then, one of them just goes, "Now, be yourself."

And we were like... [grumbling]

[laughter]

One of them starts crying.

[laughter]

She was like, "I thought I was!"

I was like, oh, my God.

That is such a terrifying thing to say to someone.

Be yourself?

What is my true self in this moment right now?

So then, I just started slowly lifting my foot.

[laughter]

And now, there's all these pictures of me out there being myself.

It's stupid! It's scary!

Thank goodness for friends.

So, how do you make 'em?

It was easier as kids, right?

As kids, it was whoever sat right next to you.

That was your new friend for the day.

Adults chose them for you.

I remember in elementary school, on Valentine's Day,

we had to write a card for everyone. Do you remember this?

-[audience agreeing] -Right? No one was left behind.

It was like, "Do you have a crush? No! You have a crush on everybody!"

"Okay, okay."

"Yes, I do. Yes, I do."

Right? It was very polyamorous, you know, right?

Just, "Single file line. Everyone hold hands."

[laughter]

It's what Dr. King would have wanted.

[laughter]

Right, it was very horny, very woke, you know?

I loved it. I miss it.

I made friends real fast. It was forced on me.

I think that's why when we grow up, we rush to getting married.

We're like, "How do I make sure I have a guaranteed friend?"

Trap them.

[laughter]

[chuckles] Yeah, because people think getting married is very adult.

But I would argue it's the childlike thing to do.

Yeah, 'cause married people, what do they say?

They say things like, "I found my best friend."

[laughter]

That's very childlike.

Just, "Everything we own, split it in half.

[chuckles] That way, it's half and half, yeah."

[laughter]

"Half and half, mm-hm!"

That's married people.

It's very childlike. It's a very childlike mentality.

Meanwhile, if you're single and having to date around,

that's very adult.

Yeah, 'cause when you're single and having to date around,

you have to do things like, uh, get to places on time, right?

[laughter]

You have no one else to blame. Just, "Oh... Yes.

[laughter]

"It was just me.

Party of one."

Right? You have to ride a regular bike, you know?

[laughter]

And even worse, when you're single and having to date around,

you have to seem emotionally stable.

-[laughter] -Stakes are high.

You never know if your soulmate's anywhere.

You have to always be on.

So, if any of you here are single, I commend you.

Yes, hey, let's clap it up for them.

-Yes, I see you! -[cheering and applause]

I see you!

You are way more adult than the married couple.

Yeah, 'cause back to the married couple, they're still saying things like,

"We're gonna be together forever and ever.

"'Til death do us part, yeah!

How do we know? Because these rings said so!"

[laughter]

It's very childlike.

I know, 'cause I'm married.

[laughter]

I asked my husband the other day how to turn on the washing machine.

Yeah, and that's how he realized that he had been doing the laundry...

[laughter]

...all these years.

And, in turn, I was shocked too.

I was like, "Oh, my God, it has been you...

this whole time."

You know when you've seen someone do something,

so you think, "Oh, that was me too"?

-Right? -[laughter]

I also did that.

Only to walk up to the washing machine and realize, "Huh,

I've never touched these buttons before."

[laughter]

There's no muscle memory.

Only visual. That's what happened.

He was shocked, he was like, "I thought you were doing it sometimes."

I was like, "I thought I was doing it sometimes."

[laughter]

I really did.

Which is wild, 'cause I should know where I have and haven't been.

I racked my brain. I was like, "I remember being in the laundry room.

[laughter]

I've been there."

I even remember telling stories by the washer.

Just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. [chuckles]

But then that's where the memory ends.

-[laughter] -[mumbling]

So, apparently, this whole time, I've just been telling stories

as Ryan did the laundry.

And it had been like that for seven years. [laughing]

I know, and that is feminism, you know, right?

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

No, s-- Whenever my girlfriends tell me about their husbands

and they're like, "He's so messy. He doesn't pick up after himself.

He doesn't do the laundry."

To their face, I'm like, "Oh, my God!

[laughter]

That is so fucked up. No."

To their face, I say that.

But when I walk away I'm like...

[gasps] [whispers] I'm the husband.

[laughter]

[normal] I'm the husband.

Which is also feminism, you know?

[laughter and applause]

Yes, I often hear my fellow female comedians

poo-poo on their husbands, and rightfully so.

They're like, "He does dumb shit. He doesn't know how to be useful."

But here's the thing...

you don't have to either, okay?

[laughter]

Let the house crumble.

[laughter]

Let it all burn down!

[cheering and applause]

And when-- Yes.

Burn, burn, burn! [chuckles]

And when everything's falling apart, he will quickly embrace the future

that is women also not knowing things, okay?

[laughter]

Why do we have to know everything? Why do we have to be stable?

Why continue that narrative?

[laughter]

What about the unorganized girls?

Yes.

[cheering and applause]

Yes. I see you!

What about the bitch that crumbles easily?

-[laughter] -We exist.

We are not a monolith.

[laughter]

And neither are men.

Not all of them are useless, no!

Some of them are my husband.

[cheering and applause]

So, my fans are always out there being like,

"Atsuko is mother. She is mother. She is mothering."

Oh, no, no, no.

[laughter]

I am father.

[cheering and applause]

Get that right.

But Ryan? Now, that's mother.

[laughter and light applause]

I was raised by two women, my mom and grandma.

-Yes. -[cheering and applause]

So, growing up, it was always like, girl power.

Yeah, we don't need no man. [chuckles]

No one does the laundry around here.

[laughter]

We were a girl gang, except one of us was extremely old.

One of us had schizophrenia, my mom.

And I was a child, okay?

[laughter]

So, we were more like a social worker's worst nightmare.

[laughter]

To be honest, we probably would have crushed in a gang fight.

Right, like, "Oh, ha-ha, you brought guns?

Well, we brought schizophrenia."

[laughter]

"Go, Mom. No, uh, just be you.

[laughter]

Be yourself! You go get 'em!"

We were a girl gang.

And my grandma was the leader. She was the matriarch.

And she called some wild shots.

Like, she convinced my dad, who had full custody of me in Japan,

to let her take me on a two-month vacation to Los Angeles.

So, he let her and then, she never took me back. Yeah.

[laughter]

Girl gang. [laughter]

Yeah, so my vibe is kidnapped, um.

I've been kidnapped.

That's what I'm giving, you know, the...?

My vibe, um...

But I didn't know what that was at the time, right?

And I was afraid to ask questions.

All I knew was that my two-month vacation in LA

turned into three months.

-And then after 25 years... -[laughter]

...because I'm that afraid of conflict, I finally asked my grandma.

I said, "Grandma, did you kidnap me?

[laughter]

Uh, because that's what I feel like happened."

And she was like, "Yes.

[laughter]

But I didn't ask for ransom or anything."

That's what she said... "I didn't ask for ransom." Like...

I was like, "Yes, you were bad at it.

[laughter]

You took a kid to raise for free." [laughter]

"I didn't ask for ransom."

Can you imagine trying to negotiate with a kidnapper?

You're like, "Please, how much money do you want?

I just want my kid back."

And they're like, "Oh, no.

-"Uh, it's on me. No, uh... -[laughter]

"...free, free. No ransom, no ransom.

"Keep it, yeah. In fact, I'll take her to LA for you.

I think she's gonna be a star."

[cheering and applause]

[laughing]

-And she was. -[laughter, scattered cheers]

A former undocumented immigrant with father issues.

[scattered cheers]

Who's gonna take her?

America.

Of course. Japan wasn't gonna deal with this.

[laughter]

I was undocumented because we came here without papers

and we overstayed our tourist visas.

And do you know how crazy it was?

Like, at the time, people would be like, "Oh, my God, you're undocumented?

Uh, from a war-torn country?"

And I had to be like, "No."

[laughter]

Tokyo.

[laughter]

I'm from the future.

[laughter and light applause]

There's no papers in the future.

[laughter]

I sounded insane.

'Cause here's the thing, okay?

No Japanese person from Japan ever needs to move to America.

Remember that.

So, if you ever meet a Japanese person from Japan

anywhere in the States, it's because something went really wrong.

-[laughter] -Really wrong.

Either that, or they had to have been so bored,

so bored looking around Japan like, "Clean streets?

"Free healthcare? No.

[laughter]

"Not on my watch.

[laughter]

"Too easy.

"This is not an environment that could breed a comedian.

-[laughter] -"No.

"Take me to America.

"The escape room of countries.

[laughter]

-[cheering and applause] -"Now!

Now!"

Maybe that way, I'll at least grow a fun personality, you know?

[laughter]

It's wild. I think about it all the time.

Like, I could have grown big in Japan, right?

I could have a whole different life there as an adult.

But no, now I'm just an American with a story.

[laughter]

Yeah, and let me tell you, you don't ever wanna be a person with a story.

I knew it was bad when Ira Glass reached out to me.

-[laughter] -No. No, stop.

No, it's not good. It's not--

You never want to do a This American Life episode.

-[laughter] -You don't. You know why?

'Cause if you do, that means your life was bad.

[laughter]

Ira called me, he said, "Atsuko, you are an inspiration."

I said, "That's not good.

[laughter]

Uhh, I don't wanna be that."

In your lifetime, you should never aim to be an inspiration.

Yes, because if you ever find yourself being one,

that means someone fucked up, 'kay?

[laughter]

That's not what I wanted to do, no.

In my life, all I ever wanted to do,

all I ever dreamed of was to just sit on a couch, eat chips.

That's all I wanted to do, just be surrounded by ranch dressing.

[laughter]

I wanna have simple thoughts, simple thoughts.

Like, "Huh, I wonder why they call it half and half."

[laughter]

And that's it, no other thoughts come.

That's how I wanted to live. I don't want to be an inspiration.

I do love making other people feel good.

You know, I have dedicated my life to that, right?

Yeah, I was a cheerleader in high school,

so I'm very "yes, and" energy.

[laughter]

Yeah, I'm always like, "You go, girl! You go get 'em,"

even if I know it's a bad idea.

[laughter]

I'm the friend in the friend group that's like,

"Yeah, you go and get back together with him.

Third time's the charm."

[laughter]

Because that's what cheerleading is.

It's blindly pumping people up to think they're gonna win,

even if you have no say in the game.

We're literally not playing it.

Cheerleading is just screaming manifestations and wishes.

"Go get the ball. Hope you get the ball.

Please, get the ball. Please win."

[laughter]

We're just there providing vibes trying desperately not to get found out

that we could easily be replaced with nothing at all.

[laughter]

Because cheerleading is the only sport where you're supporting another sport...

[laughter]

...that people are actually there to see.

Cheerleaders are overlooked. It was a tough gig.

Yeah, because there is nothing more unhinged

than to have to blindly cheer people on every week, rain or shine.

It was always, "Go, team, go."

No matter what happened, you had to put a smile on your face

and be like, "There's no stopping us."

[laughter]

When there was.

-[laughter] -Oh, there was.

It was called the other team.

But no, we had to be on the field every week

running whichever way the ball went,

screaming from the top of our lungs, doing cartwheels,

hoping that if we were loud enough,

that somehow the football players would change their agility...

[laughter]

...and skill.

Doing telepathy like, "Win, win."

Like we were witches.

[laughter]

Hoping that if we threw enough bitches up in the air...

[laughter]

...that somehow our team would turn into different people!

Cheerleaders are overlooked.

We were like the woman playing the tambourine

in the depression commercials.

[laughter]

Cheerleaders are overlooked.

And do you know what's even crazier and wilder

than cheering for a team or a high school,

is competitive cheerleading.

Do you know those people? You guys-- You know those people.

You know the people that cheer for nobody, right?

[laughter]

Uhh, there's no team.

There's no team.

Just a bunch of people doing full-blown routines for moms.

[laughter]

Because they're your moms.

They drove you there.

Cheering on nobody. Like, what are you even stoked by?

Just, "Daytona! We're in Daytona!"

You should never be that stoked to be in Daytona.

[laughter]

We are overlooked.

Do we have any former cheerleaders in the house tonight?

-[scattered cheers] -We do? Okay.

Okay, let's do a roll call. Let's do a roll call.

[laughter]

The military has one, we have one too. Watch.

-Ready. -[audience members] Okay!

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Former cheerleaders live amongst you.

[laughter]

Look at that, just hiding in plain sight.

But you had no idea. You had no idea, you know why?

Because we hide behind our scars.

We hide behind our bangs.

What's, what's even under there?

Huh? What's even under there?

When the wind blows, when the wind blows...

and my third eye...

[laughter]

...is blinking, just fighting off the strong winds.

You wouldn't know what I gave up for three years of my life.

Wearing skirts, just screaming lies. "You got this! You got this!"

When I didn't know if we did.

[laughter]

Former cheerleaders live amongst you.

We are your neighbors.

We are at the DMV.

[laughter]

We are former US Presidents.

Little known fact, George W. Bush Jr., a former cheerleader.

Yeah. And look how unwell he is now.

[laughter]

Like many of us, we learned all these skills,

applicable nowhere else.

[laughter]

We're walking around like dormant volcanoes

with all this spirit, we don't know what to do with it.

Sometimes we start wars. It's fucked up.

-[laughter] -We need to be stopped.

Help us out. You know what happens?

Like, there is no job for us after cheerleading.

Did you know this? There's no job for us

after you graduate from cheerleading. No.

You can become a coach, but you only need one every couple of decades.

[laughter]

I implore you, next time you have the ability to hire someone,

think of former cheerleaders.

[laughter]

Be at an event and be like, "You know what would make this better?

"Maybe a group of 10 to 12 girls doing jumps at me.

Yelling positive things."

You've never asked for that, but why not?

In an emergency situation, when somebody is hurt,

what is the one type of person you call for?

-[audience member] A doctor. -A doctor.

What happened to the rest of you?

-[laughter] -You were like, "Huh, I don't..."

Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.

-Just, "I don't know, who do we call?" -[laughter]

What was happening?

Oh, were you like, "Maybe I'm enough"?

-Is that what was happening? -[laughter and applause]

Maybe-- It's very LA to be like, "Maybe it's me.

[laughter]

"Maybe that one time I took CPR class...

-I am enough." -[laughter]

Doctor.

Usually, usually, if you're not anyone here tonight...

-[laughter] -...a doctor is what people call for.

Usually, if you're not here at the El Capitan tonight.

Doctor.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Is there a doctor on this flight?

Why not a doctor and a cheerleader?

[laughter]

[rhythmically] "Stay alive. Stay, stay alive.

Stay alive."

[laughter and applause]

Wouldn't that make you want to try?

A little harder?

'Cause you need the doctor to be doing the medical stuff, CPR.

And you need someone there just providing vibes.

[laughter]

"You got this. You're gonna make it."

Just someone lying.

[laughter]

It was an honor to provide free spirit

for three years of my life. Yeah.

It's so simple. You should try it, right?

'Cause all people really need to hear is, "Hey, I believe in you."

You don't actually have to believe in them.

[laughter]

It's so simple. Just try it.

'Cause I grew up with some kids, some classmates,

whose parents blindly supported them growing up.

And they are pretty well-adjusted people.

Are they interesting? No.

[laughter]

Are they on stage right now? No!

[cheering and applause]

Those people will never be on stage. You know why? You know why?

Because they don't have a hole in their heart

that they have to fill with the validation of strangers, okay?

[cheering and applause]

I have reconnected with my dad and we're very close.

But he really wants me to have kids

because he thinks that's how you undo a traumatic past.

[laughter]

And I always have to be like, "Oh, Dad.

I think our family should stop, um."

[laughter]

Should, should stop, yeah.

In fact, Ryan has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of the year.

-[scattered cheers] -Yes, oh, yes, yes, thank you.

[chuckles] Thank you.

I booked it. Ha-ha.

-Thank you, thank you. -[laughter]

Vasectomy, yeah. And I know we need this vasectomy bad.

I know we need this bad because the part that Ryan

was most stoked about was the fact that they tape your penis

to your stomach for the procedure.

-[laughter] -He loved it.

Yeah, he was like, "Oh, ho, ho.

[laughter]

"That's so funny.

[laughter]

Penis on my stomach. Aw, man, I'm gonna look like a dog."

[laughter]

Ah, yeah, woo!

I was like, yeah, woof-woof.

[laughter]

Snip-snip.

I can't wait to put a cone around his head, you know?

[laughter]

We can't have kids. We don't take anything seriously.

[laughter]

I did find out that they only do that,

they only tape your penis to your stomach for the procedure

if the doctor feels like your penis is too big for them to work around.

Yeah, which can you imagine, walking in all cocky like, "Hello?

[laughter]

"Uh, you probably have to... A lot of tape right here.

[laughter]

So much tape! Ah, so much!" [grunting]

[laughter]

And the doctor's like, "Oh, no.

[laughter]

"Uh, we don't view you as a threat. Yeah.

[laughter]

In fact, yours? It's on me."

[laughter]

We can't have kids.

We are unorganized.

Me and Ryan didn't even know that we weren't actually married

'til, like, six months ago.

[laughter]

I tried to put Ryan on my health insurance,

only to find out from the city of Los Angeles,

that there is, in fact, no record of us

ever having gotten married.

I swear. Yeah, I was like, oh, my God.

[laughter]

That's so us.

[laughter]

That's so us.

We're not married? Of course, we're not married.

You mean to tell me this whole time, this whole time

I've been telling everyone, "That's my best friend,

that's my best friend," this whole time, he's just been my good friend?

[laughter]

This whole time?!

What happened? We had a wedding, a honeymoon.

People flew out.

So, we found out that, apparently, someone forgot to turn in

the marriage certificate after the wedding.

So, it's like our marriage was based on a high five, you know?

[laughter]

We had to rush back to the Registrar county office, City Hall,

bring two witnesses who were at the wedding to say,

"Yes, we already watched these dumb-dumbs say, 'I do.'"

[laughter]

That's my tandem friend.

[laughter]

We brought my grandma and a buddy to confirm it.

They were pissed. Pissed.

They were like, "This is the second time

we've had to watch you stupids get married."

I was like, "Look, this is the second time I was undocumented...

[laughter]

"...and didn't know.

I also confused."

But, this time, it was my fault.

And that is growth.

-You know, that is... -[laughter]

My only regret about abruptly moving here

is I didn't keep working on my Japanese.

Um, I was so obsessed with learning English,

so my Japanese got worse and worse.

But I knew I was going back recently, so I worked on it.

I worked on it, I was diligent.

And I was getting good, too. I was getting real good.

-You know, on Duolingo, you know? -[laughter]

I was like, 30-day streak, yes!

My Japanese is back.

But then, when I was there, I accidentally ordered a $300 champagne.

[laughter]

And I should have known 'cause I ordered the champagne at the bar,

the entire place went silent.

[laughter]

The bartender just went, "Oh, my God, really?"

The servers from the back came out, lined up, bowed, I was like...

[laughter]

"Uh... I think they recognize me?"

[laughter]

-They didn't. -[laughter]

One of them came out with the bottle and gestured to me.

"Please, watch us as we open it."

I was like, "Excuse me?" They were like, "Please watch. Watch!"

-I was like, "Okay!" -[laughter]

Uh, watching.

They poured the bottle into glasses really neatly.

Two other people rushed out from the back with a basket,

laid the bottle in it gently, like I had just given birth.

[laughter]

Ryan goes, "I think you just ordered the whole bottle."

I said, "No. Mm.

"This is Japan. No.

"I... Japan.

[laughter]

"No.

"That little owl on Duolingo...

"told me I was good!

"No. No way.

"He said I super Duolingo.

[laughter]

So many points. No. No way!"

The receipt comes, it is $300.

Because Duolingo doesn't teach you how to read a room.

[laughter]

Me and Ryan started saying general encouraging things

to each other to try to make ourselves feel better.

We were like, "Well, you know, we could die tomorrow.

[laughter]

Maybe even right after this, uhh, we could die."

-Clink. -[laughter]

No, I'm starting to understand the "Live, Laugh, Love" people.

[laughter]

I am. Right? We make fun of them, right?

We're like, "Oh, my God, you bought a sign that says 'Live, Laugh, Love'?

You put it up? Ah, you're so basic! Ah!"

[laughter]

Have you ever tried?

Life is hard!

Anything could happen, right?

As adults, we have to be our own cheerleaders now.

It's hard. We don't have anyone being like,

"Oh, that was good. That was really good,"

for even just forming a sentence anymore.

No, as adults, we have to be our own cheerleaders, right?

It's why we buy necklaces with our own names on it.

[laughter]

Why do we do that?

So that we could be like, "What's that spell?

"'Jennifer.' That's me.

[laughter]

"That's me, hm! I matter!

Hm, hm, hm!"

Yes, you go, Jennifer! Be boring!

-[laughter] -You deserve it!

Life is hard! "Oh, so basic!"

What, we have to be interesting too now?

I want to grow my hair out, but I can't,

because this is my brand.

[laughter and applause]

[cheering and applause]

We have to be easy on ourselves.

'Cause-- [exhales] You ever have a thought, right?

You ever have a thought where you're like,

"Oh, my God, that thing I did, that was today?

That feels like 10 years ago." You ever have that thought?

-[audience] Yes. -That's you dying.

[laughter]

It's actually not good.

You ever laugh so hard, you pee a little bit?

And you're like, "Oh, my God, I'm so quirky!"

Oh, pee-pee, oh pee-pee! Ah!

That's things wrapping up.

-[laughter] -Okay. Actually, yeah.

[whispers] End is near.

[laughter]

[normal] You ever sneeze so hard, you fart at the same time?

And you're like, "Oh, man, I did it again!"

Ha, poo-poo! Ah, poo-poo! [laughing]

Mm...

-Bye-bye. [mouthing] Bye-bye. -[laughter]

-[whispers] You're dying. -[laughter]

Take it easy on yourself.

[normal] So, my Japanese needs work.

My Mandarin does too.

I speak both 'cause I'm Taiwanese and Japanese.

-[scattered cheers] -Yeah, and that's why I look Korean.

-Okay. -[laughter]

I speak Mandarin with my mom and grandma.

Uh, but it's conversational at best. I can't read it, or write it, or anything.

And I really struggle.

Like, I was trying to tell my grandma in Mandarin the other day

that our mutual friend has now come out as bisexual.

[laughter]

Which is way too many words I didn't know.

-[laughter] -And it was taking forever.

I was like, "You know, he likes everyone.

[laughter]

And everyone likes him."

My grandma's like, "What? Why are you talking like that?"

I was like, "You know, he's just really popular."

And I know that's not how it works, okay? I know that's not how it works.

I know you can be bi and alone.

-[laughter] -Okay, I, I know that!

Okay, I know you can be bi and have no friends, at all.

But in that moment, that's what worked.

And my grandma started understanding, okay?

And I would say, in that moment, if you're bi,

I made you sound pretty cool.

-Okay? -[laughter]

I'm sorry you're popular.

Language is hard.

'Cause, like, when me and Ryan go to Asia,

I'm his interpreter.

So, he's screwed.

[laughter]

And he loves people, so he loves chatting with them, which is beautiful.

But have you ever had someone

try to small-talk to other people through you?

[laughter]

At a certain point, you just have to lie.

-[laughter] -Right? [mumbling]

"Oh, no, he said he's tired.

[muttering indistinctly]

Tired, he's tired."

[laughter]

"Really? 'Cause he's looking right at me."

"Oh, no. Uh, he said he would rather not."

[laughter]

What an evil way to make sure I'm his only friend.

[laughter]

For our honeymoon, I brought Ryan to Taiwan

'cause I thought we were married, um, and...

[laughter]

...and my favorite part about the trip was taking him to this small village

where I had relatives I never met before.

But it was such a small village, it was such a small town,

that when we entered, there was this boy on a bicycle.

He saw Ryan, my white husband, and almost crashed into a wall.

-[laughter] -He was like, "Ah! Oh, my God!

Ah, ah, ghost! Ah, ghost! Ah!"

I was like, "Okay, what's happening?"

And the villagers told me that in all the years

my relatives have lived there,

no other white man had ever set foot.

[laughter]

I brought it upon them.

[laughter]

Of course, I did.

I'm Dora.

[laughter]

I explore.

So, all the villagers started coming out from different corners, surrounded Ryan.

They took turns touching him.

And would flinch every time he would giggle.

[laughter]

They started petting him. He was like, "Look, babe.!

I'm like a dog! Ah! That's my dream!"

I was like, "Yeah, woof-woof."

[laughter]

I think they're gonna eat him.

Are they gonna eat him? One guy's measuring him.

They got in a line to talk to him.

But it was mostly to practice the one or two English words that they knew.

They would get to the front and be like, "Oh, um...

hamburger."

[laughter]

"Oh, um, uh... cheeseburger?"

-[laughter] -I was like, "Okay, let's stop.

-He's not a McDonald's." -[laughter]

They were hungry.

They loved him. They took pictures with him.

They were tugging at him.

I wouldn't be surprised if we went back to this village

and there's a sign at the entrance, just, "Tom Cruise was here," right?

[laughter]

With a picture of Ryan.

They loved him, and I started getting jealous.

I was like, "Something's up with this town,

"because they're stoked about him and not me.

And I'm related to them."

So, I started sniffing around to see what was up with this town.

And I just found out that they're mostly stoked

about boys more than girls, right?

Classic tradition.

They took me around town. They were like, "That's your uncle.

"He works the rice fields.

"That's your nephew, he works there too.

That's your aunt. She's illiterate."

[laughter]

That's-- Yeah, I was like, "Well, does she have a name?

[laughter]

Or, I don't know, what's her favorite color, or...?"

[laughter]

It hit me hard 'cause I had gone to this village

thinking this is a second chance at family.

Maybe I'll create a better sequel to my childhood.

Maybe I'll make new friends.

Only to realize while I was there, these are strangers.

And even worse, these are not good people.

[laughter]

I do keep up with my uncles there. Um, we text.

But they can't figure out how to text with words,

so they just send me emojis.

And I just found out that this emoji, you know this one?

I just found out [chuckles]

that this is the hug emoji.

Did you know this? Oh, you knew this.

-For how long? -[laughter]

The hug-- This is the hug.

I was like, what-- You mean to tell me this whole time,

I've been sending hugs...

when I was just trying to present new information gently?

[laughter and light applause]

Present new information gently! Present new information gently!

That's how I've been using it.

You know, like, "Uh, excuse me, excuse me.

Uh, can you please keep it down?"

[laughter]

Present new information gently!

The hug? No.

If someone in real life was like, "Hug?" You better run.

That is a murderer. You are dying tonight.

Run!

Do over.

A lot of them are misleading.

-The water emoji. -[laughter]

You ever type out "water" in emojis? What pops up?

Just three, thirsty droplets.

[laughter]

Just three horny, thirsty droplets.

Just...

Oh!

[laughter]

[moaning]

No, it's messed up! It's messed--

My poor family, just trying to tell me there was a typhoon.

[laughter]

I feel like I'm sexting with them.

I want it to stop.

My uncles in Taiwan were like, "Sorry we only send you emojis.

We didn't think you could read." You know, I'm like...

[laughter]

I was like, "Uh, I can read.

Okay, women can read."

So, then they started texting me in Mandarin.

I was like, "Aw, shit."

[laughter and applause]

Touché.

And that's French.

[laughter]

My dad and I had this nice moment when we were in Japan together.

We were looking through old family photos,

pictures from all the times we were together,

before the kidnapping, you know?

[laughter]

And he goes, "You know, things had to play out the way they did,

so we can cherish moments like this."

And I was crying.

And then he flipped the page, and boom.

There was a picture of him in a bathing suit.

Different energy.

[laughter]

I said, "Huh, that looks familiar."

So, I brought out a picture of me in a bathing suit,

put it side by side, and we realized, "Oh, my God.

We have the same body."

[laughter]

Same body.

And what's weird is Ryan always tells me,

"God, you have such a hot bod."

[laughter]

He's so sweet. Just, "God, you have such a hot bod."

And then he always asked, "How'd you get such a hot bod?"

[laughter]

[whispering] And now I know.

-[laughter] -Now, I know.

[normal] But I didn't have it in me to show him yet.

I figured he'd see it sooner or later

when we go back to Japan to see my dad again,

and, uh, we have a beach day.

[laughter]

And we're all wearing our bathing suits.

And at some point, my father and I will stand right next to each other

overlooking the ocean.

Looking like sisters, you know?

[laughter]

And Ryan will look over at us, and he'll be like, "Wait."

And I'll be like... [shuddering]

[whispering] "It's weird for me too."

[laughter]

It's weird for me too.

And it is weird for me. It is weird for me

to find this out after all this time.

This whole time, I'm like, "Ooh, I'm so cute, I'm like Dora the Explorer."

This whole time, I've had the body of an engineer.

[laughter]

This whole time!

And I should have known.

'Cause one time my dad got cold, so I let him borrow my jacket.

And it fit perfectly.

[laughter]

I was like... [gasps] "But I had it custom-made."

[laughter]

But I like to look at the brighter side of things.

Knowing this, not so great.

But I was like, "Well, now my dad and I could swap clothes."

I could wear his hand-me-downs.

And this next part is where it gets dicey. [chuckles]

But only because I'm still working on the punchline.

So, will you guys stay with me? Will you stay with me?

-[cheering and applause] -Promise? Promise?

Stay with me, okay? Okay, I'll go back a little, okay.

But I like to look at the brighter side of things.

I was like, "Well, now my dad and I could swap clothes."

I could wear his hand-me-downs.

And it's not every day that people can say

that they inherited their dad's...

literal jeans.

-[laughter] -Hey!

No, you said you would stay with me.

You said you would stay with me. You dipped off, what the...?

You said-- I heard the groans. "Oh, literal jeans."

-[laughter] -I don't care. No, fuck you.

No, no, you're like, "Oh, I'll stay with you."

You lied! You lied!

'Cause I'll ask you this, I'll ask you this.

What makes a joke a dad joke anyway?

-[laughter] -Huh?

You know what, you guys ask me.

"What makes a joke a dad joke anyway?" Go.

[audience] What makes a joke a dad joke anyway?

Oh.

I guess it's when it becomes...

a parent.

[laughter and applause]

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause continues]

Thank you, Los Angeles.

Oh! [laughing]

[cheering and applause]

It's Ryan!

[cheering and applause]

Your mother.

Thank you so much, Los Angeles. I love you so much!

[cheering and applause]

You are beautiful!

You keep being you!

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Ah!

Goodbye!

[cheering and applause]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[♪ music stops]