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1 About a week after their baby was born,

thanks in part to the invaluable contribution

of Brian Kinney,

Lindsay and Melanie had a party.

They invited a herd of their nearest and dearest lesbians,

assorted relatives, and us,

the friends of the father, to their house.

It was really nice,

the smell of bread baking and fresh flowers

everywhere you looked,

not like going to one of my friends' places,

with the smell of dirty laundry

and stacks of porn tapes everywhere you looked.

I'm scared of him. I'm just gonna go inside.

Okay, we'll see you inside.

Shirley! Shirley!

Have you seen, uh, Norman?

Seeing them in their beautiful home

with their new baby

and their arms around each other,

I wished, for a moment, that I too could be a lesbian.

But then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy,

so I said, "forget it."

Hey, Michael. How you doing?

Michael. Oh, hi.

Still, being there that day,

I realized how different men and women are,

and I don't think it has anything to do

with being gay or straight.

It's that, the way I see it,

women know how to commit to each other.

Men don't.

At least not the men I know.

Hey, Mikey.

- Yeah. - How you been?

But I'm jumping ahead. Let's go back an hour.

I told you, I'm not going to the munchers' brunch.

And that's final.

Look, it's not for them. It's for your son.

My son?

He's only my son when they want my money.

So why punish him by not going?

Look, it's not as if he's going to know I'm not there.

You can't be sure. I read someplace...

Where, Marvel comics?

That infants respond to things,

even when still in the womb.

Like, for instance,

tension and discord affect them adversely,

while playing Mozart and stuff like that

makes them super-smart.

Well, how do you think listening to the sound

of two dykes go down on each other

for the past nine months has affected him?

Christ.

He'll probably grow up to be straight.

All the more reason why he needs his dad.

Stop acting like a...

Where the hell are you?

Like a child and...

Brian?

Jesus Christ, it's, like, 150 fucking degrees in here.

There you are.

What?

Well, I was just about to say

I think you should rise to the occasion,

you know, be bigger than they are.

That is, if you can take your hand and your mind

off your dick long enough.

Jesus!

I... I've got more important things to do.

Now, why don't you get out of here

before your mousse melts?

And if anybody should ask where you are?

Just tell them the usual.

Something came up.

- He looks exactly like... - Smile.

- Hey! - Hi!

Oh, that's so beautiful.

Aunt Shirley, say something.

Oh, I can't believe you're at a loss for words.

I'm thrilled for you both.

And such a lucky boy to have two mothers.

What's he need a father for anyway?

Your uncle Ben was a lousy father.

Never had any time for the family,

always chasing women.

You're better off being lesbians because...

Well, take it from me...

A stiff prick knows no conscience.

Oh, God!

Isn't he gorgeous? His name's Katsuo.

Jews?

No, no, no. No, Jews.

Juice. Okay?

He gives "Pacific Rim" a whole new meaning.

- Where'd you find him? - He found me.

I was having drinks in the lizard lounge,

he comes over, starts chattering away.

Only he doesn't speak any English,

and the only Japanese I know is "Sony" and "Toyota."

So how do you communicate with him?

There's other ways than talking.

We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full.

- Oh. - Hmm.

It's called corned beef, sweetie.

It's a Jewish delicacy. Okay?

What do you suppose he's actually saying?

What's it matter? We're in love, love, love.

I'm going to wash my hands.

Yeah, okay, all right. Let's go ask Melanie.

She's fluent in Sushi. Come.

Come. Come. Come.

- Okay, have a bagel. - Mel.

Hi, Mel. Okay, and cut. Great.

Look. We need you to translate.

Talk to Melanie.

Melanie speak all axis powers.

- He keeps saying "Kane." - Yeah.

"Kane" is money.

He's saying he expects Emmett to pay him.

For what?

He's a goddamn male prostitute.

Oh, shit!

Kane. Kane.

Melanie says...

"Kane" means...

"Love."

He says he loves your voice.

It's like a silent wind chime.

And that your smile is like cherry blossoms

floating on a still breeze.

That... that is the most beautiful thing

that anyone has ever said to me.

Oh, here he is. Can I hold him?

It's almost time for the ceremony.

Where's Brian?

He couldn't make it.

He said to tell you that, uh...

Something came up.

I can guess what.

Shall we begin?

This is Rabbi Protesh. He'll be doing the bris.

Oh, I love pot roast.

That's brisket.

I believe, in the Jewish faith,

the bris is a circumcision ceremony.

That's correct.

First, I give the boy child a little wine.

Then, I say a prayer or two.

Then, I take my scalpel, and I remove his foreskin.

He said that's all I was to him,

just a fuck.

That's a shitty thing to say.

And that he doesn't want to see me anymore.

When my last boyfriend dumped me,

I didn't hang around feeling sorry for myself.

I went out and got a new one.

When did you have a boyfriend? Third grade?

Last summer.

You never told me.

I'm telling you now.

You should have seen how jealous he got.

You can do the same thing. Show that Brian.

Go back down there tonight.

Pick up some hot, hunky guy.

You're not exactly a troll, you know?

Would you come with me?

What if some lesbo tries to pick me up?

I wouldn't know what to do.

Although I like Melissa Etheridge a lot.

Think that means anything?

- Maybe. - Jesus.

What if he had a heart attack?

I mean, I read someplace that sometimes

people have weak hearts, and they don't know...

He just fainted.

Let me through. I'm a doctor.

What do you know about fainting?

You're a retired podiatrist.

What, you don't think anyone ever fainted in my office?

- From a corn? - Ah, just stand back.

Give him some room.

Has anybody got any, uh, smelling salts?

- How about poppers? - What about horseradish?

We have some for the gefilte fish.

It's worth a shot.

What happened?

You fainted.

Estelle, get some ice. Put it on his forehead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't mean to hurry things along, but...

I'm doing twins at 3:00.

No, I'll be fine. Really.

Hey.

Call me sometime, huh?

Sure... buddy.

How's the party?

You better get your ass over here fast.

Why?

With all those bull dykes around,

is there a shortage of bottoms?

No... remember Lindsay and Melanie's invitation?

The part that was in Hebrew?

I just found out what that means.

In every Jewish boy's life,

there are three steps to becoming a man.

First, his bris.

Then, his bar mitzvah.

And finally, his marriage.

For 3,500 years, the circumcision ritual

has been the fundamental sign

of the covenant between God and Israel.

Melanie, will you please place your son

on his mother's lap?

Oh my God, he's really going to do it.

- Okay, I... I can't... - Where's Brian?

Looking after the only dick that matters... his own.

Excuse me, Rabbi.

You two, in the kitchen...

Now!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Barging in here, interrupting a religious ceremony.

You should have asked my permission first.

- For what? - To circumcise my son.

We don't have to ask your permission.

We're the parents.

And I'm the biological father,

and that gives me more rights than you.

Oh-ho, I see someone's been studying his law.

No, this is no time to be having this conversation,

- with a house full of guests... - Yeah, and since when

did you start caring about your son,

considering you haven't been to see him once

since he was born?

Well, I'm not exactly welcome.

Oh, bullshit, you've been too busy

fucking everything that moves!

Can we please stop this?

Why does it matter to you if Gus is circumcised?

It matters that he's been in this world less than a week,

and already there are people who won't accept him

for the way he is,

who'd even mutilate him rather than let him

be the way he is, the way he was born.

Well, I'm not going to let that happen.

Excuse me.

Uh, shall we proceed?

You really showed those dykes who's got the low hangers.

- And for once, it was us. - Mm-hmm.

Deb, can we get some service?

Keep your pants on.

At least until you've had dinner.

I've always said there's only two reasons

to be friends with lesbians...

They'll never try to convince you

that the only reason you're gay

is that you haven't met the right woman,

and, uh, they know how to change a flat.

It wasn't about them.

It's about my son.

If I don't look out for him, who will?

Wow.

If you're not careful, you might turn out

to be an all right dad in spite of yourself.

To Brian.

- To Brian. - To Brian.

Okay, boys. What'll it be?

Nothing for me, thanks.

Em, honey, you should try

to eat some of your protein off a plate.

I read that, for every 30 pounds you lose,

you gain an entire inch of cock.

So if you just drop another 90 pounds,

you'll have a 4-inch pecker.

What about the rest of you boys?

- Nothing for me. - You know, I think I'll pass

- right now. - Take a break.

Cheeseburger, French fry, chocolate shake, apple pie.

I just know it tastes good, that's all I care about.

Oh.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Hey, I know that guy. He works out at our gym.

Uh, Blake.

I think he likes you.

Oh, yeah. How can you tell?

'Cause he's looking back.

He's probably just stretching his neck.

- Will you listen to you? - What?

Always putting yourself down.

Well, better me than them. I'm gentler.

Doesn't sound like it.

You know, it is possible that someone

could actually like you, you know?

Yeah, it's possible.

However, I'm sure a statistical analysis

would reveal that the probability

of a guy named Blake, who looks like that,

actually liking a guy named Ted, who looks like me,

to be in the .05 percentile.

In other words, practically zip.

Anyway, I'm sure Brian's more his type.

How do you know that?

Because Brian's everybody's type,

which explains why he's had everybody.

- Well... - I know, I know.

Except for you.

Which is kind of weird when you think about it.

- Weird? He's my best friend. - So?

So everybody knows you don't have sex with your friends.

Oh, right.

Yeah, sex is something you only have

with complete strangers, yeah.

People you'll never see again,

unless you just bump into them on the street,

but never with someone you might actually give a shit about.

Who made up these crazy rules anyway, huh?

Beats me. Let's go have a drink.

- Yeah, or two or three. - Yeah.

Hey.

You think I'd look good in that?

Eh...

Oh, my God! Look at that.

Is it a girl or a boy?

Jesus, don't point.

No matter what you see.

Guys kissing guys, girls kissing girls.

Well, what if I see a guy and a girl kissing, huh?

That'd be something different down here.

And stop acting like you're so experienced.

More than you.

Don't forget what I said.

If I see him, pretend I didn't.

Don't even look.

That is, if he's there, which he's probably not.

But if he is, don't look.

Should I freeze this or toss it?

I'd rather not have it around

when I'm trying to get back into shape.

So how long is this going to go on?

Or do you plan never to speak to me ever again?

What would you like me to say?

- Anything. - All right.

How about, "I have a house full of uneaten cold cuts

and an uncircumcised son."

How's that?

Look, Brian's going to take out

the insurance policy.

At least he's agreed to do that.

That's something, isn't it?

Oh, my consolation prize.

Well, it was important enough to you last week.

So was this afternoon, but now I have been humiliated

in front of our friends, my relatives, Rabbi Protesh.

Where's the goddamn plastic wrap?

- And you let him do it. - Me?

You're the one who decided to call off the bris.

Of course, I know it's not very important to you or Brian,

but it happens to be a very important ritual

in my family.

You know, there are a lot of men

who think circumcision is a cruel and barbaric practice?

I don't care what men think about their dicks.

I care that you put Brian before me.

But you know, why should I be surprised?

You always have.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Are we really going to go through this again?

I don't want to have this conversation.

Yeah, and I didn't want Brian

to be the baby's father in the first place,

but, no, you had to have it your way.

It had to be Brian or no one.

So now he's a part of our lives forever,

whether we like it or not.

Okay.

Well, I know what I'm doing tonight.

What about the rest of you?

Oh, shit!

What's the matter, honey?

My mom's here with my uncle Vic.

She didn't tell me she was going to come here.

Hey, not every boy's lucky enough to have a mother

who's equally at home in the kitchen

as she is in a gay bar.

Now you behave yourself.

As usual, Brian gets all the beauties

while we get to watch.

- He hasn't gotten him yet. - He will.

He's got the walk, he's got the talk.

He's got the tattoo.

Brian's got a ta... Where's Brian got a tattoo?

In a place you'll never see.

- Double shit! - What now?

It's him. Our teen stalker.

Christ, why won't he just go away?

Remember me?

Turn around.

I never forget a butt, especially a cute one.

I met you in the diner with Michael last week.

Yeah. I'm Justin.

- This is Daphne. - Hi.

Hi, Daphne.

What's he doing?

Talking to your mom.

What?

Whoo-hoo!

You know, I'm actually looking for a friend of Michael's.

His name's Brian.

Could've guessed that.

Honey, everybody's looking for Brian.

Have you seen him?

That's Brian?

God, he's so old!

And skinny!

And you could do way better than that.

Would you shut up?

5 bucks he nails him before midnight?

You're on.

I am not baby-sitting him again.

This time, he's all yours.

What?

He's over there talking to my mother,

the little prick!

Leave him alone. He's all right.

Excuse me?

The noise is so loud in here,

I thought I heard you say he's all right.

In fact...

- He's kind of sweet. - Sweet?

I thought we got rid of him.

I thought he was out of our lives.

- Where'd he go? - Who?

Who do you think?

Shit. He's gone.

And this is all your fault.

You made me look away.

Oh, fuck you, Michael!

Need a napkin over here, please.

What's eating him? Or isn't?

None of your business!

You watch your mouth.

Why do you have to come here?

Well, Vic was feeling better, so we thought

we'd come after my shift and have a drink.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is I came here to hang out

with my friends, not my mother!

Sweetie, you know I approve of your lifestyle.

Maybe I don't want you to approve.

Maybe I want you to go home and cry.

Come on!

Fuck me.

Love to.

No, can't we do something else?

Mike?

Tracy!

It is you!

Isn't this wild?

Yeah. Really wild.

Oh, my friends and I,

we thought we'd have a little adventure.

Hey.

I mean you always hear about this place,

but who ever comes here?

Not me.

Until tonight. I mean, I'm here with a friend.

You know, a gay friend. You know, just a friend.

Since high school, actually.

We have this kind of foreign exchange program.

You know, I take him to football games and beer busts,

and he takes me to the opera and wine tasting.

Yeah.

So why don't we all go for a drink?

Safety in numbers.

I... I, uh... I'm a little beat.

I was on my way home.

Oh, well, sounds like a good idea.

You know, stick around here too long,

you might wind up switching teams!

I lost him.

Fuck!

This is my friend, Brian.

Brian, this is Tracy...

Uh, you know...

From the store.

Tracy. Of course, from the store.

He talks about you all the time.

He does?

- I mean, all the time. - Okay!

Time to go.

What's the rush?

She's even prettier than you said.

Mike!

You know, he'd never tell you this himself...

He's far too shy.

He likes you...

- A lot. - Well, uh...

I think it's time we took off.

Uh, bye, Tracy.

I'll just see you Monday.

Yeah, I'll see you Monday.

What the fuck did you do that for?

You practically got us engaged.

Well, I want to dance with the bride at her wedding.

And Tracy too.

Shit.

By the way, where'd Michael go?

What time is it? 11:00.

Time for Babylon. Night's just starting.

Well, that's just where we're going.

- You've been there before? - Sure.

- A lot. - Really?

I didn't know they had kiddie memberships.

You have to be a member?

Can't get in without a card.

Here.

You can have mine.

I'm through with it.

He's paid his dues.

Thanks!

- I.D.? - Right here.

Born 1952?

You look damn good for your age, Vic.

You wanna go?

What for?

We just got here.

All right, come on.

Oh!

What would you do if you actually had to go?

Find a scat queen.

Gross.

Didn't your mom ever teach you to wash your hands?

_

Careful, it's strong.

Nice.

I got it from Tommy Hagger.

He can get anything.

He got me that Superman episode with George Reeves,

the only one ever shot in color.

It's so ancient, you can even see the strings.

Oh, did I tell you what I got on eBay?

A vintage MEGO Lynda Carter Wonder Woman doll.

Mint, in box.

It cost me an entire week's salary,

but it was so worth it.

Mikey, you are so pathetic.

I also got that photo.

The one of Patrick Swayze with his shirt off.

Really?

It must be all yellow by now,

cum stains all over it.

He's still beautiful.

We owe it all to him.

We should write him a fan letter.

I did.

No.

Really? When?

A long time ago.

What did you say?

I don't remember.

"My friend and I think you're so hot!"

He never wrote back.

Fuck him.

You still got me.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

It must be the trail mix.

Yeah. Must be.

Come on. Let's go back.

Come on, let's go up the stairs over there.

Let's check out the bar.

Maybe that guy you made me lose is there.

I didn't make you lose him.

Time to organize a search party.

- Who's missing? - Katsuo!

I was talking to dungeon master Don,

who wants to mummify me.

Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder?

Anyway, I turned around, and he was gone.

I have a feeling he'll be all right.

He doesn't speak a word of English.

A... and he's so sweet, so innocent.

What if some cock-hungry queen

tries to have his way with him?

I thought you already did.

He's around somewhere. I'm sure you'll find him.

Thanks.

Target sighted. All systems go.

See you later, Mikey.

Hey, how you doing?

Good, glad to hear it.

Hey, how's it going?

Ah, you know, no complaints. Thanks.

Hey, hey, can I buy you a drink?

Yeah, I'll take a beer.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, fuck you!

What are you on?

Nothing.

A little of Brian's mix.

Any luck?

Oh, I'm heading for an all-time season record.

Eight straight... actually, make that not-so-straight...

No-hitters.

♪ Dance, dance with me ♪

Blake just winked at you.

He's got some crystal meth in his eye.

He did it again!

I told you, he likes you!

Why don't you just go over and ask him to dance?

'Cause he'll just say, "come back

when you get a hair transplant and some liposuction."

You do not need a hair transplant and liposuction.

Besides, nobody would be that cruel to you,

except maybe yourself.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna take off.

Come on. It's too early!

Yeah, or too late, depending which side

of the dance floor you happen to be standing on.

Well, maybe you should try going after,

you know, someone...

Well, like... like you, and not someone...

Young and cute? Thanks.

That's not how I meant it!

Hell, I should talk.

I can't get anybody interested in me either.

Yeah, but you could, if you wanted.

♪ Dance with me ♪

You're worth so much more than you know, Michael.

♪ dance with me ♪

I'll call you tomorrow.

♪ Dance ♪

♪ dance with me ♪

♪ dance ♪

♪ dance with me ♪

Look! There he is. There's Brian.

♪ Dance with me ♪

Shit!

Didn't want to dance?

Oh, uh... Yeah, I'm not much of a dancer.

Although I... I enjoy dancing.

I... I didn't realize you were asking, uh...

You taking off?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, sometimes it just, uh...

Uh, it gets a little too...

Intense?

Intense, that's...

That's a good word.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Sometimes it gets a little too intense in there for me too.

You going home?

Do you want some company?

Well, you know, it's... It's a little late.

And, uh...

Sure.

Are you sure?

Sure. I mean, i... if you're sure.

I'm sure.

Well, then.

What is the meaning of this?

Kane.

Kane! Kane!

Kane!

Hello?

How do you say "tacky little cocksucker" in Japanese?

Do you know what time it is?

It's okay, sweetie. Who was that?

Emmett.

I think he just found out what "Kane" means.

Oh.

I'm sorry I woke you and the baby.

I know you need your rest.

I was up anyway.

You were? So was I.

Just thinking about all the terrible things I said.

No, I should've stood up to him.

I should've.

No, it was best to be practical.

I mean, this way, Gus...

How am I ever going to get used to that name?

May keep his foreskin but still be provided for.

Look, it doesn't matter who's right.

We can't allow Brian to come between us,

as much as he'd like to.

And you know he would.

Even if he is the father,

we're still the parents. You and me.

Gus belongs to us.

And that's why we had him.

Why you had him.

Aside from saying "push" and "breathe,"

I really didn't have that much to do with it.

You had everything to do with it.

I never would have had him without you.

Just remember that,

next time you're wondering who comes first.

Oh.

You know, the worst part is not that he was unfaithful

or even a slut.

I mean, nobody's perfect.

It's that he said he loved me.

I mean, he lied to me!

How could he lie to you? He doesn't speak English.

Look, I'm the one who told you that.

I'm sorry.

My own fault.

Why do I always give my heart away to trash, huh?

Because you want to see it in the dumpster?

He's not getting away this time.

♪ We're gonna get there soon ♪

♪ we're gonna be okay ♪

♪ the sun will shine again ♪

♪ we'll make a better day ♪

It's a nice place. You own it?

Oh, absolutely.

You know, your home is your most important investment.

It's what we tell our clients.

Do you want a...

A beer or some scotch?

No, just some water. I don't drink.

Well, uh, take off your jacket.

I... I'll be right back.

Here you go.

Thanks.

You're sexy, you know that?

Yeah... Frankly, no.

That's why you are...

Because you don't know you are.

Well, I do know...

That you are beautiful.

Bastard.

He doesn't even have to try.

Look, he's got someone.

- Hold it. - You're not going?

No way.

- What is that? - It's GHB.

You ever use it?

Once in a while.

Sex is awesome with it.

You first.

Ah...

Go on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I don't feel anything.

He's not! He can't!

He can.

♪ The music ♪

How does he do it? What does he say?

We'll never know.

But whatever it is, he says it for all of us.

Hey.

- Hey, you all right? - Yeah.

♪ He won't trust... ♪

Is he gonna do it with both of them?

He can do anything he wants.

♪ After a long day... ♪

What are you doing?

♪ hey, look, the real boy wonder is here ♪

♪ everybody's gonna stand up and cheer ♪

♪ see him shining so bright ♪

♪ like a sky full of stars at night ♪

♪ hour after hour ♪

♪ he's got the superpower ♪

♪ the real boy wonder is here ♪

♪ and he's all mine ♪

♪ hey, whoa ♪

♪ whoa oh ♪

♪ hey, whoa ♪

♪ whoa oh ♪

What's the boy doing?

♪ Everybody's gonna stand up ♪

Oh, God. Stop!

Oh, my God, stop!

Stop!

Ted! Oh, my God!

Ted!

♪ The real boy wonder is here ♪

♪ hey, whoa ♪

♪ whoa oh ♪

♪ hey, whoa ♪

♪ whoa oh ♪

♪ hey, whoa ♪

♪ whoa oh ♪

♪ hey, whoa ♪

♪ whoa oh ♪

♪ hey, look, the real boy wonder is here ♪

♪ everybody's gonna stand up and cheer ♪

♪ see him shining so bright ♪

♪ like a sky full of stars at night ♪

♪ hour after hour ♪

♪ he's got the superpower ♪

♪ the real boy wonder is here ♪

♪ and he's all mine ♪

♪ hey, whoa ♪

♪ whoa oh ♪

♪ hey, whoa ♪

♪ whoa oh ♪

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.MY-SUBS.com -