Original subtitles

Dan, wake up.

Somebody's at the door.

Dan, wake up.

How the hell could it be at two in the morning?

I don't know, but whoever it is, they're not going away.

Oh, I had the weirdest dream.

It was, I finished my boat.

Yeah, that really was a dream.

I caught this big fish, teeth, and it kept biting me. I think it was a

barracuda. Anyway, it wouldn't stop biting me. What do you think that means?

Mom!

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that's rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've earned while waiting for my turn,

it's that in each last of rainfalls, but you also get some fun.

And we'll make out better than okay.

Yeah.

Why didn't you call us and tell us you'd been released?

Well, there's only one phone for the patients, and that's Mrs. Dempsey, the

with Alzheimer's.

She refused to get off the phone until she remembered who she was talking to,

so... So I just... I gave up and I hit the road.

Well, we're very happy to see you, Audrey.

But, you know, we could have picked you up at the airport.

Oh, I didn't fly. I came by bus.

The bus?

Mom, we...

We've got money now. We could have flown you here.

Yeah, first class. Slippers, hot towels, the works.

No, heavens, no, dear. I had a lovely seat on the bus, and besides, I can't go

to the bathroom on a plane.

Those big blue blocks of poo -poo that fall from the sky.

And they kill people.

I don't want to be responsible.

Mom, are you sure you're okay?

Oh, don't worry about me, dear. I'm just so happy to be out of that place.

I really miss the simple things, you know, like sitting down to a cup of tea

with my family and having a fork.

You know, you never know. how much you miss the simple things until they're

wrenched from your hand.

So what do the doctors say? Do you need any follow -up? No, they said I'm well.

Voila!

Yes, I don't need to go back there anymore.

I'm 100 % completely cured.

Yes, I... In fact, I... I don't think I ever needed to be there.

Don't worry.

We'll take very good care of your mother.

That's great.

I'd skip and leap around with glee, but it's three in the morning.

Yeah, come on, Audrey. Let me show you to your room. Oh, no, dear.

Don't bother. I'll just sit here and wait for you to wake up.

My son, I gave you life.

And you've made my life what it is today.

First thing in the morning, I'm calling the doctor.

Yeah,

yeah,

Dr. Esther House. Hi, this is Dan Conner, Audrey Conner's son.

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

The reason I'm calling is because my mother showed up here last night, and I

did.

Oh, you did?

Okay, so everything's all right then.

Okay, fine. Yeah, we were just a little worried because she showed up here in

the middle of the night.

Okay, well, yeah, thank you. I guess that's all I needed to know.

Thanks.

So what did the doctor say? He said he signed the release form himself, and

she's going to be fine.

As long as she keeps taking her medication.

See, honey, I told you, everything's okay. You've got nothing to worry about.

She's as normal as you or me.

Mom! Mom!

Mom! Mom!

What are you doing?

Just whacking some nuts.

Um, you're cooking?

You don't know how to cook?

Well, of course I do, dear. I read somewhere if you can read, you can cook.

I'm making some pancakes for my Danny boy.

Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes, the pipes.

Is the batter supposed to be all lumpy like that? No, dear, that's just a nut.

Well, it looks yummy, yummy, but I'm afraid I can't eat pancakes.

What? I'm on kind of a diet.

Oh, come on.

One isn't going to kill you.

No, I gotta be good.

But I'm sure the rest of the family will just love it. No!

This was meant for you.

And if you're not going to have it, then nobody else is going to have it.

such a wonderful time this afternoon.

Darlene and David's little girl is so beautiful.

Yeah, she sure is. That little girl's gonna break a lot of hearts.

Yes, children are good at that, aren't they?

This is so nice, isn't it? Just being together like this.

Sure is.

Yes, when you were a little boy, you'd come and put your head in my lap and

just sit and talk things.

Yeah.

Do you remember when I used to bring you out to the party to do the twist?

One time.

One time you threw up on your father's boss.

Yeah. Mr. Creighton, remember?

Yeah, Mr. Creighton. I had that real bad flu and you dragged me out of bed.

It's almost like you wanted me to throw up on Mr. Creighton. You hated him.

No, I didn't hate him, dear. I thought he was a moron.

There's a big difference, you see. When you hate someone, well, you almost have

this violent feeling.

But when you think they're morons, you just hope for their unhappiness and

failure. That's the difference.

But you never listen to your old mother.

Yeah, that was the most humiliating night of my life.

Not as humiliating as trying to eat a steak with a spoon in a cafeteria with a

bunch of nervous patients.

We'll take very good care of your mother.

Mom, what do you say we bury the hatchet?

I didn't know you had a hatchet.

Where is it, dear?

Mom, it's just an expression. We don't have a hatchet.

It means we just stop arguing.

Oh, dear, we're not arguing. We understand each other perfectly.

At least I understand you. You've never understood me. You always overreacted to

my little eccentricities.

And if you throw someone into the hospital, be sure you get a second

Well, my, wasn't that a nice chat?

I'll just go and take a little nap.

Do you tell me, do you have a space heater because it gets so chilly in the

basement? Yeah, I think we got one out in the garage.

Thank you.

Okay, now the point is to sit close enough to the movie so it fills your

field of vision.

But the trade -offs are a foreshortened image and an inoptimal reception of the

THX sound.

My goodness, in my day, we just worried about sitting behind somebody with a

hat.

Rosa, Elizabeth, Xanax, you've got a pretty good mix there.

Not polite to read somebody else's prescription labels here.

Oh, well, I didn't read the labels. I recognized pills.

You've taken these?

No, my mom has. Plifmer, Lil, Xanax, Rispinol, Haldol, Therazine, you name

My goodness, what did she need them for?

Oh, she's a little whacked.

You know, so whenever she felt bad, she'd just pop every pill and hope that

of them would make her feel better.

You know, Heather, we gotta go.

DJ, the movie's not for another two hours.

Oh, no, are we really that late?

What are you kids having to leave so early for?

Oh, we're going to go see Return of the Jedi.

Yeah, you must have heard of it, Grandma. It's a late 70s sci -fi genre

Yeah, but so are Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back, and you weren't

as excited to see them.

Yeah, well, it does have a few features the other two lack.

Yeah, like what?

Well, you know, advancements in special effects and sound quality and a whole

lot of things with Princess Leia in a bikini.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that.

What's going on? I thought I heard glass breaking.

You didn't hear me yelling. I couldn't get the door open.

Well, to go out a door, you do what you did to get in, only backwards.

Honey, this is serious. Somebody turned a motorcycle on, and if I hadn't have

broken that glass, I would have died in there.

Well, yeah, or you could just have turned the motorcycle off. I did. By

the whole place was filled with exhaust.

Well, I always said that motorcycle was dangerous.

You know what?

I don't think this was an accident.

Don't be ridiculous, Dan. You probably just locked yourself in there. Somebody

had to close that door.

Doors just don't shut by themselves.

Somebody like the wind?

Yes, and I suppose Mr.

Wind started the motorcycle up, too.

Honey, I think my mom's trying to kill me.

Okay, don't be ridiculous, Dan. How much of that exhaust did you breathe in?

Apparently not as much as she wanted me to.

That is crazy.

Why would she want to do something like that?

I think she's still mad at me for putting her in the hospital. Dan, that

over 20 years ago. I'm sure she's over it by now.

I think she's still getting in for me.

You know, you really need to stop blaming your mother for all of your

Honey, the woman just got out of the hospital.

Yeah, out.

Remember? The doctor told us she was fine.

No, the doctor told us she was fine as long as she keeps taking her medication.

Maybe she stopped.

Well, I really think that you're worried about nothing, Dan.

But just to be safe, maybe you want to start tearing around a whistle?

Hey, come on, Heather, let's go. God, would you relax?

We've got plenty of time.

No, we don't. The Lanford Sci -Fi Club has been lined up since yesterday.

Now, wait a minute. Since you leave those swords here, you certainly can't

them to the theater with you.

Yeah, we can. They're just toys.

Besides, I like to see them try and take it away from me.

Come on, DJ.

Let's see who's the real... Can I knight him?

Grandma, this is not real. Put your hand on your hip like Al Flynn.

I'm going to get you.

Isn't it time for your medication?

Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me.

Here, Audrey, let me get you a glass of water. Oh, I'd be lost without you two.

I'd hate to forget my pills.

Okay, I'm going to go take a shower.

Where's that big white towel?

It's in the linen cabinet.

Only it's a gray towel now.

I just can't believe it when people don't see what's right in front of their

face.

Well, that was just marvelous.

I don't remember the park having that many flowers.

Well, the last time we went... Wait a minute.

Have we ever been to that park before?

Oh, it's so relaxing just being outdoors on a lovely spring day. Thank you very

much for taking me.

Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it, Audrey.

I'm going to make a nice pot of tea.

Dan, I told you your mother's totally fine. You just totally overreacted.

I got to admit, she was great today.

Yeah, you know, the kids were probably just playing in the garage, and they

turned the bike on and forgot to turn it off. Your mom had nothing to do with

it. Yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah, what was I thinking?

I don't know, but, you know, at least now you don't have to worry. You can

relax and enjoy your mom's visit.

Yeah. I'm going to go put Jerry down for a nap.

And I made you some.

did you get this lovely thing, dear? Look, look how it looks like a rainbow

the lights coming through.

Sure does.

You always did love art, didn't you, dear?

I did.

Darling, you remember the lovely necklace that I promised you when I was

macrame from the teabag strings?

Quiet!

That woman's trying to kill me. I'm telling you, I watched her at that

door. That's it.

I'm calling the hospital.

She's going back.

Don't call the hospital, Dan. They can take away any one of us.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I thought you were Dan.

exercise at the hospital.

Okay, you're gonna think this sounds crazy, you know, but Dan thinks you're

trying to kill him.

Oh, dear, no.

I'm not going to kill him. I'm going to bury him alive.

Okay, I know you're kidding when you say stuff like that, you know, but it's

really spooking Dan.

Oh, yes, yes. I considered spooking him to try to make him have another heart

attack. But then I knew I couldn't count on that.

So, you see, now I'm very excited about burying him alive.

Now you're spooking me.

Roseanne, Dan has to pay. Pay for locking me up. I was there for years.

I was there for years. And I was stifled and suffocated. And I was kept in the

dark. And now I've fallen in love with him.

Bury him.

A live plan.

No, you can't be serious.

I am serious.

Anyway, he's taken away my life. Now I've got to take away his.

It's such a lovely knife for it, don't you think?

Okay, that's enough. Okay, now give me the show. No.

No, but then, then, then, I'll give you the shovel, and then you can help me

bury him alive if you'd like.

Um, okay, that's enough talk about burying Dan alive, okay? Just give me

shovel. No, no, no. I'm giving it. No. Damn shovel.

Damn. What are you doing? What is that? What is it?

cool if Grandma did build us a barbecue pit.

Yeah. I haven't had s'mores since I was a brownie.

This is fun. Why don't you two go get the graham crackers?

How are you doing there, Audrey?

Oh, it's wonderful now that they've tripled my dosage. I feel so much

That's great. But Mom, remember, you gotta keep at it.

Oh, don't worry, dear. No more trying to kill my day.

Okay, who's ready?

Oh, I am. I am. I am. I am.

Oh,

dear.

Delicious.

Oh, that is so much better than trying to make them with a hair dryer.

I was just thinking that same thing.

Hmm? Your mom's out of her freaking mind.

Roseanne, people with glass mothers shouldn't throw stones.

Bye.