Original subtitles

I'm gonna have to call you back.

The subject on the Ricky Lake show is too fat to be a drag queen.

Mom, mom, mom!

It's Maggie Channel 4.

You're not gonna believe this.

Hollywood Tonight has learned that all of Hollywood is in a feverish bidding

for the rights to the life story of Illinois lottery winner Roseanne Conner.

That's you, that's you!

Oh my God, turn that off!

Hello?

Yeah, this is her.

What?

DJ, it's some network guy from Los Angeles, Howard Morton. Oh, even I've

of him. Wow.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, uh, oh.

Could you hold on a minute, Howard? I've got another call.

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, it is.

You're from where?

Oh, well, isn't that a cable station?

Listen, could you hold a minute? I've got a real network on the other line.

Yeah, Howard, hello.

Um, no.

I really don't have any people that could call your people.

Um, why don't you just come here and talk to me yourself?

All right, then.

Thank you.

DJ?

A star is born.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that's rapping with a drum If there's one thing that I've earned

While waiting for my turn It's that in each last of rainfalls But you

also get some fun And we'll make out better than okay Hear

what I say Yeah!

I can't believe the department store delivered all these clothes.

Yes, along with my own clothes boy.

God, I wonder what I'm going to wear to try to impress this network guy.

Well, this looks very effective. Oh, that is divine.

Now, see, that is something that you should maybe wear when you have your

picture in TV Guide.

Hey, hey, I'm going for the cover.

I need something a little more bold.

Perhaps this.

Oh, that's great.

Now, you know who you'd look like.

That Anna Nicole Smith.

That's who should play me.

See?

She's seen her share of pain, and yet she's still beautiful.

And smart enough to hook herself up with some old coot that's got both feet in

the grave.

Gently, gently.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm paying for it.

Just, uh...

Can't decide. I think I'm partial to this one. I just decided who should play

me. Jacqueline Smith.

She's the queen of the MOWs.

I don't know. I just cannot decide.

Shall I have another truckload brought over?

Hey, hey, hey. Look who's slacking now.

Hey, this is my meeting, not yours.

Just relax. I just want to meet him.

Although TV isn't my medium of choice, it doesn't hurt to make a few future

connections.

Hello, hello.

I trust I am now entering Hollywood East.

Oh, Scott, you look great. You look just like a lawyer. Well, I am a lawyer.

Oh, these dresses are fabulous.

Is this what you're going to be wearing?

You know, you are so...

I find a guy who can pick out the perfect dress and close a great big

movie deal. Oh, I don't know. Universal, Warner Brothers, Paramount, Disney.

Maybe you must be so excited about Roseanne's meeting today.

I'd be a lot more excited if I was allowed to be there.

to be a fly on the wall.

Don't you worry now, Bev. I'm sure that Scott will have all the gory details for

us. I know, but it is so infuriating. She treats me like a child.

I mean, it's not like I would just blurt out that I was a lesbian in front of a

complete stranger.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Ms.

Beverly Harris.

That's me.

Oh, my name is Frank Andrews. I'm a journalist, and I was hoping to get an

interview with you.

Really? Yes.

The mother of the woman who won the lottery.

I think it's a very compelling story.

Bevy, where are your manners?

Why don't you invite the nice man in?

Hello. Hi, Leon Karp, and it's spelled just like the fish.

And I'm Joyce.

L -E -V -I -N -E.

Levine. Levine.

So, what paper do you write for?

Oh, I'm freelance, actually. But I've done stories for all the big

You know, Atlantic Monthly, The New Yorker, People.

In that case, why don't you just sit right down here by me, darling, and I

tell you all about Bevy. Well, now, Joyce, I have known her a lot longer.

Oh, but I know her a lot better.

I want to hear from all of you, but I think I'll start with Bev.

Oh, my, where shall we start?

Yeah, there's so many. I hope you have more paper in the car.

We're having to charm the pants off of these people.

This is a slam dunk.

Wow. What a remarkable piece of sculpture.

Such a brash statement about the inevitable failure of technology.

No, sir, that's a Buick on blocks.

Guess who?

Howard Morton, president of ABX.

And this is my associate, Bill Morris.

Hello.

This is unbelievable.

I've read your story over 15 times.

And every time I read it, I said, what does Rosie look like? And this is what I

imagined. No, no, I'm... I know, I was just talking to your brother.

What did I have for you?

ABX hats and T -shirts. And they're free. In other words, they're not going

come out of the budget of this project.

Howard Morton.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Sit down.

We at ABX are so excited about your movie of the week. And if it works, a

guaranteed series.

Well, now, hold on. My client hasn't said yes yet.

Yeah, the guy here is, well, he's kind of my lawyer for now, anyway.

Well, I didn't know they had entertainment lawyers here in...

Actually, my field is probate law.

Now, I am particularly concerned what is going to happen to my client's interest

in this project after she's dead.

Gee, Scott, I don't think after I'm dead that I'm really going to be interested

in much of anything.

Look, let me make it clear to you what's going on. First of all, isn't your

husband involved in this? Yes. Uh, Dan!

Whoa.

You shouldn't have drank those milkshakes.

I think maybe we're going to have to...

Excuse my husband.

He just found out he's lactose intolerant.

Oh,

God. Look, I feel that my client... Let me tell you a little bit about myself,

okay? First of all, television is in my blood from the ground up.

I graduated from Harvard.

I got a master's at Yale in drama.

I went to Carnegie Mellon and got a Ph .D.

And how did you get involved with this network?

A friend of my dad's got me the job.

Well, that's all very interesting, but what we really want to hear about is

movie. Oh, give me that chart.

Hi. Oh, this is my son, DJ. DJ, this is Mr.

Howard Morton. Mr. Morton, it's so nice to meet you. I'm familiar with your body

of work.

Oh, thanks, BJ.

It's DJ.

I'm a filmmaker myself. I mean, I have a reel here, if you wouldn't mind taking

a look at it.

And I think I have a unique voice.

Yeah, you do have a unique voice.

I'll show this to the executives, see what they think.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing.

Let's do the haircut.

Yes, anyway, you were about to tell us about the movie.

Normally I don't get involved with this garbage, but this is a fascinating

story.

Your profile was extremely low vis -a -vis urban focus groups, but you're

curating outside the major metropolitan areas.

especially among states with high levels of lottery participation, was

significant enough for us to think the right time slot could yield excellent

demographics, a strong rating, and a very good audience share.

You're the lawyer. What did he say?

Well, I think I recognize the word lottery.

Oh, my God. I'm screwed.

Don't worry, Roseanne. He's slick, but I can handle him.

Mr. Morton, if you don't mind, let's return for a moment to the time of my

client.

Could you just speak regular English to us? I'm sure you must have picked that

up at Yale or Harvard or the Melon Ball School.

I'm going to talk slower and louder.

Okay?

You're blue -collar.

Middle America is blue -collar.

Americans want to see themselves on television.

Got it? Yes, got it.

Who would you like to see play Rosie?

I got a surprise for you.

What if I said Melanie Griffith?

Melanie Griffith? I knew you were going to say that. You don't think we can get

her. I've already sent her the story, and she loves it. And her husband loves

it. Can you believe that? The cover of TV Guide?

Rosie starring Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson?

She's not even married to Don Johnson anymore.

Oh, that's right. Antonio Bonaduce.

Yeah, that means we'll get the Partridge family following. This is a guaranteed

hit. Okay, you've got to be kidding me, right?

Because... Melanie Griffith looks nothing like me.

Roxy, we can't have fat people on TV.

What about Rosie?

Who? Rosie Greer. Not Rosie Greer. That's the one O .J. confessed to. Rosie

O'Donnell. Who's he?

Daytime. Oh, fat works in daytime. It doesn't work in prime.

Why is that?

Because. Because why?

Just because. That's why.

Okay, this really doesn't make any sense at all. Just a minute ago, you were

saying that the American people want to see a reflection of themselves on TV.

Look, Roseanne, I don't want the fat to come between us.

We'll compromise.

Oprah.

Oprah's black.

Don't you see why that's brilliant? If it doesn't work on our network, we can

sell it to Fox.

Well, Oprah lost all her weight.

Do you have a dog?

No, that smells from the old carpet.

We got a girl stuck in a well in Idaho.

Get the rights to it. We might want to animate it for Saturday morning.

Now listen to me.

What we do on our network that no other network does is we put humor into

everything so the whole family can watch.

I'll give you an example. A guy is married for 30 years, all right? True to

wife. He's at the Christmas parties.

And there's his wife brushing her teeth.

He said, honey, what's going on?

She said, quiet, you'll wake my mother.

Well, my God, that's horribly offensive.

Of course it is. It's cable crap.

We don't do that on ABX. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You've got to do

your story with us.

Well, but you're not even talking about my story anymore.

You guys said you wanted to do a real story about my family.

Roseanne, the base characters are your family. But we have to make them

attractive. Nobody in their right mind is going to want to look at you.

Mr. Morton, may I point out that any waiver of legatee obligation without

facie evidence of equalized participation would constitute a nunc

agreement. Yeah, exactly.

What did you say? I'm not sure. I just want to let him know we can be

too.

Let me simplify you.

It's friends meets party of five meets Savannah.

Bingo.

So you're saying that it'll be about a bunch of bulimics and two shows that

nobody watches.

I have been doing this for a long time.

Over a year and a half.

And I know what the American public wants to see.

Well, I really don't think you do, Howard. You're talking to us like you

we're a bunch of hicks. But you're the real hick. You're totally out of touch

with what the American people want.

I get what's going on here.

Chubby is incredibly difficult to deal with.

Now, look, I feel... You know,

I want to say one more thing before I leave, and I'm sure you'll agree with

That was one fantastic meeting.

All we have to do is have lunch, iron out a few details, and we've got a smash

movie. Don't lose any weight, Melanie.

Good luck at Little League.

I think we've got him just where we want him. Let me type up my notes.

Great taste.

Howard. Bobby.

How's the softball team?

We're still undefeated.

Boy, you still got the grips.

Hi, Mrs. Connor.

I'm Bobby Barrows, president of the Home Movie Channel Cable Network.

Yeah, sit down.

Well, looks like we got ourselves another one.

It's absolutely true.

Roseanne stole a gallon jar of mayonnaise from Rod Belt.

She claimed that she borrowed it.

Well, for that matter, she also borrowed an 18 -pound salami.

That must have been some sandwich.

of marijuana.

And at first, she thought that it belonged to David.

You see, he and Darlene were having sex, so Roseanne let him live in the

basement.

Anyway, it turned out not to be David's after all. Remember it was Roseanne?

Now, was that before or after DJ stole the car?

With Roseanne, it's all just a blur.

Oh, I haven't had so much fun since I opened for Jamie Farr at the Silver

Slipper.

I must be off.

But you have all been just delightful.

This story practically writes itself.

Could you tell us when it's going to come out?

Trust me, you won't be able to miss it.

So I guess the bottom line is this. We at HMC are very eager to do a movie

your life story.

Well, I didn't figure that you were here to give us free cable.

Can you get us free cable?

Ms. Barrows, we've already had a meeting with the president of ABX. Yeah, and he

had an assistant who came right up to his elbow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I go back a long way with Howard.

Let me guess. He told you he loves your story, but he just wants to change a few

things. Is that right?

No fat people, no gay people. He basically just wants to sanitize your

life. Am I right?

That's pretty much exactly what he said.

Of course he did.

And that's exactly why you gotta go with Cable.

Now, we can't pay you the same kind of money the network can pay you, but what

do you care? You got $108 million.

We can give you something that the network can't. The chance to tell your

complete, as it is, totally uncensored.

Well, that is what I want, you know. I mean, if I decide to do it. Well, I'm

sure you're familiar with some of our critically acclaimed shows.

Our expose on the white supremacist in Montana.

Our ten -part series on the life of Beethoven.

And all the naked movies on Friday night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Driving Friday nights.

Hey, are you guys really going to get Pamela Lee to host?

We're in talks with her, yes.

We can feature all different kinds of programming because we're not slaves to

the ratings.

The only thing we have to care about is that our subscribers get their payments

in on time.

Ms. Barrows, I'm a lawyer, and even though I specialize in probate law...

Listen, if your client dies, your family's still in for 100 % of the

okay? Well, that answers all my questions.

So, I could really have my story told uncensored?

Absolutely. For example, I understand that when you told your husband the news

about the lottery when you were wearing your bra.

Yes, he was.

He was. I was there.

Now, you see, on our network, you could be topless.

Or even totally nude if you wanted to be.

And instead of saying, gee whiz, I won the lottery, you could say, well...

DJ, DJ, this is Miss Burroughs. Miss Burroughs? Wow, I mean, familiar with

body of work.

Yeah, thanks, kid.

You know, I'm a filmmaker myself. I have a reel here if you wouldn't mind taking

a look at it. I think I have a unique voice.

Yeah, yeah, I'll have one of my development execs take a look at it.

thank you, thank you very much.

Thanks, thanks. Good, good.

What's wrong with her?

Nothing!

Must be the haircuts.

All right, so where was I? Let me see now.

Nudity, profanity. Oh, yeah, gay people.

We love the fact that your daughter is gay.

Well, no, actually, it's our mother that's gay.

Yeah, well, that's fine, but the daughter has got to be gay, the pretty

one.

Well, my daughter is not gay.

Look, doll.

There's got to be a reason here why we're going on to cable. Do you

Picture this.

You get the news of the lottery win, and there comes your daughter and Drew

Barrymore in the shower together.

Okay, that's enough.

Stop. That's enough.

Let me just shorthand this for you.

This is biography meets dream on by way of the Red Shoe Diaries. Get it? Yeah,

I get it.

I get it totally. You're exactly like the network guy. He wants to totally

me up and you want to totally sleaze me up. Get out!

You know, you are a real...

But

you've got to admit this has been one fantastic meeting.

I'll be in touch, baby. Ciao.

to watch the emmys this year trust me you

won't be able to miss it