Original subtitles

Look at this, Joan. Ever since we've been doing rich people stuff, we've been

getting rich people mail.

So what is that, a car phone answering machine?

Now that I think sounds kind of good. So what? I can't take your call, I'm in

the house.

Do you have any interest in that?

No, no more Marie Osmond dolls until I've totally paid off my Joan Rivers

jewelry.

Check out the heft on that paper.

Thicker than the paneling in DJ's room.

What's that there?

Oh, look at this.

Dear future friend, you have been selected to attend a members -only

the exclusive Lanford Country Club.

We've arrived!

Your presence is greatly anticipated. Look at this. Look at that.

The letters are raised.

It's like they punched it out from the back!

This is the land for elite.

What am I going to wear?

How am I going to move?

There's nothing to worry about, you know. We've winded down with the rich

famous, remember? We were on the vineyard with the Wentworths there.

We hobnobbed with high society over in New York. Right, you're right. We'll

walk right in there with our heads held just high enough to look down our noses.

Yeah, and what you do, you just keep reaching for the cocktails.

You talk about foreign affairs, you know, specifically like the caste system

over there in India.

And you just gripe how you can't find no good help.

I can do that.

Yeah, you can. It's simple.

Forks to the left, politics to the right.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've heard while waiting for my turn, it's that

in each life's a rainbow, but you also get some sun that will make out

better than okay.

Hear what I say?

Yeah, I got any day.

It is just like the old days, Roseanne. You know, you and me getting all dressed

up ready to go out.

Yeah, you want me to hand you a handful of Kleenex so you can stuff your bra?

Look.

Just because you were blessed with enough to feed an army doesn't mean that

have to make fun of the little people.

So are you all right that the kids are visiting Dan in that hotel room today?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'll interrogate him under the hot lights later.

Sure is peaceful.

Yeah. And with that toilet running, it kind of reminds me of Yellowstone.

Okay, my left hand looks good, but my right hand looks like I did it with my

left hand, which I did.

I am so excited.

about going to the country club today. And it's not like when we were in high

school, you know, and we used to stand out front there selling them back their

own golf balls.

Yeah, well, that's when we were from the wrong side of the tracks. But now,

thanks to the wise investment of one dollar, we're from the right side.

You are so calm. Aren't you even a little bit excited?

Well, maybe.

My stomach's all nervous.

My stomach's fine.

It's my big mouth that frightens me.

I haven't eaten!

That's what it is. I'm going to make myself a snack. You want something?

Are you crazy?

This is the first time these people are going to see me. I want to look my best.

I mean, I'm going to be squeezing my ass into a size 10 pants.

Roseanne, you have to be able to breathe.

You just keep me away from that buffet table, okay?

And pray that there is no celery stuffed with peanut butter.

Do you think our crooked mayor's going to be there?

Yeah, I think he's got at least a 10 -mile radius on that little ankle

And do you think some of her old botters will be there? The Wellmans? Wouldn't

that be weird? No, I don't think so, because it's Saturday, and Saturdays are

Flog the Worker Day.

You know, what if we run into Mrs. Tate? You know, the Lumberlord Tate, or that

Barnes guy that has the whole chain of supermarkets?

Yeah, and his gold digger wife. I'm sure she'll be there, because it's an open

bar. For Dan.

You know what? Oh, my God.

What?

We might be able to meet the poultry king.

Relax,

Jackie. He's just like us. He puts his jacket on one wing at a time.

I'm Billington Fresman, the membership committee chairman.

Welcome to the Lanford Country Club. I'm so glad you could make it today, Mrs.

Connor. Oh, well, thank you, Billington.

Let me introduce you to my sister, Jackie. Let me tell you, if I may, about

all of our facilities.

In addition to our 18 -hole golf course, we have four tennis courts with lights

for night playing. We have an indoor Olympic -sized swimming pool and a fully

equipped exercise room, or so I'm told.

In addition, we have Lanford's finest gourmet restaurant. They cater all of

luncheons. So what, you get a free case of veal every time you sign up a new

member?

Well, my sister's quite the kidder, you know. Enjoy everything you can in the

Wellman Room.

Wellman Room.

Geez, after all those years of slaving away in this factory, now we have to eat

in a room that has his name? And look, the old man's just going to be looking

us all night. To this day.

I cannot look up at the old wellman place on the hill without chills running

down my spine. Remember when we were little and we used to say that all the

shadows up there were the ghosts of all the children who disappeared?

That is because that is what happened to the Crane twins.

They went in that house and they never came out.

Jackie, come on. They moved to Scottsdale. Yeah, yeah. Sure they did.

That...

Mrs. Barnes over there. Look, she's totally smashed.

So I made His Royal Highness buy me a mink coat to make up for getting me the

wrong stinking Cartier watch.

Didn't I?

So I guess she's not going to be donating any blood today.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, ladies.

Aren't you Jackie Harris?

Jackie Harris, yes. I'm Jackie Harris.

I thought so.

You and her are the ones that used to steal the golf balls.

Okay, moving on.

Hello. I am Mrs. Jack Tate. Jack Tate, as in the Lumberlord Tate. I am so happy

to meet you. I've been following the news of your good fortune.

You see, I'm not just Mrs.

Lumberlord. I am also chairman of the Committee for Moral Decency.

You see...

We've been working very hard to stop Ebonics from infecting our school.

Why? That's the one shot my son has of being bilingual.

Well, hopefully we can count on your support. I'm sorry, but my charity

are already earmarked for bailing out death row records.

Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. Here I go. I'm so sorry. That's all right. Mrs.

Barnes has been slamming into me all afternoon anyway.

We're enjoying the party, are we? Oh, yeah. Oh, we sure are. Oh, yeah. Well,

good to see you dressed up for it, huh?

Nice T -shirt there.

The Gap.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone, yeah.

Oh, this is some shindig. Even the mayor is here.

Oh, my God, there is the mayor. And he's coming over here. Yeah, why don't you

tell him you voted for him? I'm sure he'll love that.

Hello, Edgar. I haven't seen you in quite a while. Mayor.

Well, I just had to come over here and meet one of Lanford's leading citizens.

Oh, no, actually, you have met me before, remember?

You came to my house selling ammo.

I was just helping out the wife on that one, you know.

You know, for a campaign contribution of $10 ,000 or more, I can arrange it so

that you can sit three seats from the podium.

Just three.

At the city council. Could you say that again, Mayor? This little microphone

doesn't pick up everything.

Wait, wait.

You know, there is a hard -working man. He even starts his own ballot boxes.

Yeah, cheers.

Yeah. Well, you know, this town just doesn't seem the same to me. Then, you

know, I've been gone for a while, traveling.

Ah, traveling, yes. We've been traveling abroad.

We have been to New York City.

We were studying the caste system, you know, over there in India.

Oh, yeah, they've got a terrible, terrible problem over there.

And it's so hard to find good help.

Isn't it, though? Yeah.

So what do you think of the little clubhouse here?

Well, it's not too shabby. Except for the picture of old man Wellman hanging

over there. Look at that.

That kind of, you know, inbred, ferret face.

Beady eye, veiny nose, hairy ear, kind of bag of nickels.

Bag of nickels.

him long enough to paint a picture.

Hey, how'd you like to meet one of his kids?

No, they're not allowed to go out during the day. They can't be in the sun.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Edgar Wellman Jr.

Hey, it's all right.

It's all right, ladies. It's free shrunk.

I'm fine, I swear. I can't believe you're Edgar Wellman, Jr.? Yes, ma 'am.

I hope that doesn't ruin your old afternoon.

Well, we... Hey,

it's all right. Hey, calm down, you know? Don't worry about it. It's not

haven't heard this stuff before.

Okay, fine. I'm Jackie Harris. This is my sister, Roseanne Connor.

Hi. Yeah, hi.

What are you doing here? I thought you'd be like sailing boats over in Europe or

racing cars in Monte Carlo or something.

No, that's my brother.

Oh, so you're the one that had his graduation party on the concourse. No,

that's my sister.

Actually, my other brother, but he thinks he's my sister.

Oh, God.

Well, that must have made your dad's head spin.

No, not really. I was a black sheep in the family.

I was the wellman they never talked about.

You know what? Me and my sister, we used to work at Wellman Plastics Factory.

And I mean, not even a day goes by where I don't hear your dad's motivational

speeches that used to blare over the loudspeaker.

Concentration on work makes you a better person. My favorite, spot and eliminate

hazard. We had the same announcement in the house. Only my father called them

bedtime stories.

He was trying to groom me for corporate life, but I just couldn't do that. I

quit. He wasn't the easiest guy to live with.

Well, he wasn't the easiest guy to work for either.

You're the woman my mother used to call Roxanne.

You're the one that kind of stirred up all the trouble at the factory.

Over what?

Extra stall in the ladies' room, was it? No.

No? No, it was actually about having to meet unrealistic quotas.

Oh.

What the hell do you think you're doing? We had a deal.

You sound angry, Roseanne. You told me if I told the line that you'd drop the

quotas. Why are you doing this?

Because I can.

No, you can't.

I did.

And when I broke you, I knew you were just like the rest of them. And you'll

stay, and you'll do your 8 ,000, and so will your loser friends, or they're

gone.

Well, this ain't the way you motivate people. And you know what? Any manager

would know that.

And you are a lot of things, but you ain't no manager.

Sweetheart, you just bought yourself a bunch of trouble. No, sweetheart, you

did.

Hey, I'm not done with you.

Don't you walk away when I'm talking to you.

Well, I hear you nearly caused a riot.

No, the only noise we made was the sound of our sneakers squeaking on the floor

as we left.

You okay, sis?

No, I'm not okay.

I mean, I tried to be okay, but he doesn't want me to be okay. He doesn't

any of us to be okay. You know why? Because he's not okay.

Okay? Roseanne, I told you not to walk away from me.

I'm walking away from you, Faber, and I'm walking away from the stinking

factory, and I'm walking away from this lousy job.

Well, that was a wonderful performance, Roseanne. May I point out there are two

doors to this room, one that pays and one that doesn't.

I guess we're not going to make our quota today, honey bunch.

So I bet you think I'm a real shrew, huh?

No, I think you're quite unique.

So did my father, although he didn't exactly put it that way.

No, the walkout was the beginning and the end for the old man.

He just didn't have the concept of talking to labor.

Actually, I think it's common sense, but he didn't like anything common.

So you just grew up coming to places like this every weekend?

Well, yeah, he'd bring me here to network with all the well -connected

But I just wanted to come here and swim in the club pool.

You should have come swimming with us. We swam down at the quarry. Well, my dad

would never let me swim there. No, he was afraid I'd catch something.

Like poverty.

Why didn't you just have your dad buy the quarry for you?

Actually, he already owned it.

So after that, I grew my hair long, got kicked out of this club.

Get out of here.

That's how I lost that fry cook job.

Fry cook job, I did that too.

But that was right after they cut me off, so I split, started traveling, I

odd jobs, you know, paid my own way, and then I ended up a year in an ashram.

You mean you slept on the floor and chanted all day long?

I was searching for my deepest truth.

At least that's what the guru said.

I bet he was sitting in, what, a $5 ,000 leather chair when he said that to you.

So you've been staying up there on that big house on the hill up there?

Yeah, you know, if you guys aren't doing anything after this deal, why don't you

come on up and check out the mansion?

You know, I know you heard all the weird stories.

Oh, come on. Only idiots believe that. We'd love to go up there.

Oh, that's great.

All right. Listen, I'll have the valet bring my car around. I'll meet you right

in front. Two minutes.

Jeez,

he is so handsome. Isn't he so handsome? I can't believe it. I mean, it's

amazing that a guy his age, like, is in still that kind of a shape. You never

see guys like that around land. We are not going up to that old house on the

hill.

Dungeons in there.

There's nothing wrong with that house and you know it.

Maybe, maybe not.

It's just like stories that kids used to tell when we were little. You know,

like how all the kids said that mom was an evil serpent from the dark nether

world.

I hope you don't mind the house being a little quiet. I gave the help the day

off. Hey, that's a good idea. We used to be the help, and we were terrible.

Does anyone feel a chill?

Well, these big mansions are kind of hard to heat.

How about I give you the grand tour?

I'll show you the basement first, huh? No.

Oh, come on. Come on. I want you to get the feeling of the dungeon. It's right

behind this door.

Huh? No, we're really fine right where we are here. And we're not nosy people.

That's too bad.

I thought you might enjoy meeting the crane twins.

Boo! I got you.

Come on, I'll make you some coffee.

Boy, well, this really is a beautiful old house.

Is this what brought you back to Lanford?

I came back to sell the factory. My two brothers ran it into the ground after my

father died.

I left with a...

A mountain of bills and a themed IRS guy named Mitch.

That's horrible.

If I would have known that your family was just bleeding the place dry, I would

have padded my time card way more than I did.

Well, that's not the least of it. I mean, they're letting the factory

all go next week. And the two foreign conglomerates that are interested, they

only want the land.

You know, Roseanne, I got to admit that, you know, I didn't just accidentally

run into you today.

I guess you guessed by now I wouldn't go to that country club. No, I wanted to

meet you. I need your help.

I think the other shoe just dropped.

Well, we're really not in the market to buy a plastics factory, if that's what

you're thinking.

Well, I mean, it just needs enough dough to, like, cover the bank and keep the

doors open. Otherwise, this town's going to have to learn to eat a lot of sushi

or falafel.

Well, how come you can't just sell it to the Italians?

I just don't think that that's going to work, Edgar.

Oh, well, you know, I'm sorry I brought this up, you know.

How about a biscotti?

Well,

so how much money do you need?

Just enough to keep the bank off our back, you know, to keep the doors open.

I don't know, the lawyer said it was something that's over a million bucks. I

don't know if that's before or after their fees.

Well, I don't, maybe there is something we could do, Roseanne. You know, we are,

like they say, kind of flush right now.

Yeah, but I mean, what good does it do if everybody gets laid off in a year

anyway?

I mean, it's not going to be easy, like just, you know, turning the diner over

to Nancy and Leon.

What are you guys talking about? What diner?

Well, we own this diner, you know, and then we turned it over to the people who

work there. Well, why couldn't you do something like that, though, with the

factory? You know, like that airline did?

Like the guy that you hand your baggage to says, hello there, ma 'am, I'm an

owner, see? Because then the employees care more, which means that they work

harder, and then that makes the business better.

Well, yeah, I mean, if we would have owned a piece of Wellman's, we

would have worked harder. And I definitely would not have ripped off the

machines.

Like an employee buyout.

That's not a bad idea.

Well, yeah, I mean, you know, we might as well.

What good's having all this money if all your friends around you are poor?

First thing Monday morning, I'll get the lawyer on the phone, he'll call the

bank. And then we'll get a lawyer, and we'll get him to call up some banker,

then that banker can call your lawyer, who'll call your banker, and then your

banker can call up a doctor, and we'll all get a second opinion.

Who ever thought that we would be teamed up with a wellman?

Well, you can't judge people by where they come from.

Money is the reflection of its possessor.

Where'd you learn that? In the ashram there?

Well,

I have to tell you that I learned something here.

You know, because, well, the way we were raised, me and my sister, you know,

living hand to mouth and everything, we never even thought that there could be

any rich people who even had the slightest clue about life.

It's just good to know that, you know, you're really a decent...

Guy, you're just really, really cool.

That's a good thing for me to learn.

Well, thanks, Roseanne. That means a lot to me.

Yeah, I really like that mouth, too.

Yeah, what's that?

God, you're gorgeous.