Original subtitles

25 years as a man and what have I got?

108 million, but he didn't get that for me.

Okay, four kids, but that only counts for about eight minutes of his time.

You know what, Jerry?

There's no reason for me and you to ever have to leave this bed.

We'll be like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

As we turn ourselves over every couple of days, we won't get any bed sores.

Okay, let's look at predictions here for the future.

Ellen DeGeneres relocates to Beirut, claims she really is Lebanese.

Sharon Stone finds out her dad is really Roy Rogers.

Look at this.

Former ABC president Ted Harbert reassigned to Euro Disney as ticket

Suzanne, how you doing in there? Hey, I made a really nice lunch. You want to

come out and join us? You know the drill.

Leave the food and back away from the door.

You know what doesn't chill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've earned while waiting for my turn, it's

that in each light of a rainbow, but you also get some sun.

And we'll make out better than okay.

Hear what I say?

Yeah.

Wow,

DJ, this is amazing camera work.

Thanks. It's Saljan Water Tower.

But the angle's so out there. How'd you get that shot?

Well, I strapped my legs to the scaffolding with like five or six belts

hung there upside down.

It was pretty cool for a while.

Until these guys start swinging at me with a bat.

Hey, look at my fort.

A fort, David?

You mean the white man's station from which to ruthlessly slaughter Native

Americans?

Andy?

you are building your own little world when your own universe is collapsing

right around you. Cool, I'll get a fresh tape.

No, no, no.

No cameras, DJ. Your mother hasn't had on makeup since Tuesday.

Nancy. Oh, Leon. Oh, my God. I'm so glad you guys are here.

Jackie, you look terrible.

How's Roseanne? She's holed up in the bedroom. She is beyond depressed. I

know what to do. Well, what to do? I mean, isn't this what we've always

to isolate Roseanne from society?

Well, I, for one, am lost without Roseanne. I mean, if I don't have her to

my life, my life doesn't run.

Yeah, I'm worried about her, too. I mean, it's not that she hasn't washed

hair or gotten out of bed or anything. It's just that she's quiet.

Has anyone seen Dad or heard from him? He's still at the airport hotel. I don't

think he's left town yet.

Well, maybe somebody should call him.

Yeah, well, what for? He's the jerk who made this whole thing happen in the

first place. DJ, that is not helping.

She has been in there for four days, stuffing herself sick on junk food, and

has no plans to leave. We've just got to do something.

Well, there's really only one choice.

We have to do an intervention.

I don't know about that. I mean, if we all gang up and corner your mom, I mean,

she does have all her teeth, right?

Okay.

I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to try one last time to get her out, but

I need backup.

Well, we'll be here for you.

Unless, of course, we go out for ice cream.

God, this is so weird. I mean, out of everybody, Roseanne's usually the strong

one. I have to admit that I counted on her. I mean, these past few months with

her and Jackie just running all around neglecting the diner, it's been too much

work for Nancy and I. I mean, who would have thought that Roseanne actually did

something?

I got the baby out!

She put him down to grab a donut.

I know it comes naturally to you, Connors, but why are you spitting onto

plate?

It's a peanut butter and watermelon sandwich. I'm just spitting out the

Okay.

All right, let's focus up, people. Operation Thunderbolt is about to

Operation what?

Thunderbolt. You have to give it a good name.

You're our first man in.

I'm honored.

Wow. I want to thank you all for your faith in me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah,

blah. Hustle up, Junior.

Stay low.

Remember, she favors her right side.

And Godspeed!

Hey, can you see if you've got the horseradish while you're in there?

Operation Thunderbolt. I'm all tingly.

She... Oh, my God!

Oh, no. Sorry.

It's all right. It's all right, David. It's okay.

It's all right. We knew she'd blow the first one away.

Could not afford to waste one of our power hitters.

Told you, pay up.

in there for a while. That's a good sign.

Well, Darlene is carrying Roseanne's grandchild. I mean, you remember Alien

The monster did not kill Sigourney Weaver because it was carrying the baby

alien.

Darlene knows tough love.

I've got one hell of a good feeling about this one.

Time check.

18 minutes.

could have smothered Darlene with the French bread.

Then we'd never know.

It's a fiasco. We failed.

No, we didn't fail. We just haven't quite succeeded.

Which one of your little happy chat gurus taught you that little formula?

We have got to get Darlene out of there!

David, on your feet.

Oh, no, see?

You can't make me go back in there. I closed my eyes. I still see that face.

She's your wife!

And you've been her aunt longer than I've been her husband.

Let's draw straws.

we're in day four of the Lanford standoff.

This could be a bitter winter.

Hey, I got an idea.

We could turn the thermostat up real high in her room and sweat her out.

Oh, no. She might want to take off her clothes.

And that is something we just do not need to see.

Okay.

Why don't we do what they did to the people in Waco?

We blast annoying...

One choice there, Tori Amos.

I love her.

How about one of those awful Gloria Gaynor albums from the 70s?

Honey, Gloria Gaynor was a goddess.

No, no, it's got to be something hideous, something nerve -wracking,

that'll drive her to the breaking point.

Mom!

We put Mom's voice on tape and we blasted through the...

Yeah, but they didn't have grandma, so it didn't work.

No, wait, I forgot.

Mom's on a cruise with her bingo partner.

All right, I'm going in.

Hey, what have I got to lose?

I've already lived 20 years longer than Jesus.

Two days short of a Dick Gregory intervention.

What are you doing here, Leon? I'm really not in the mood for your almost

repartee. I'm sorry, Roseanne. I just enjoy seeing you depressed.

Here, I brought you some protein so you can stave off the diabetic coma.

Oh, God.

It stinks worse than fish. What is it?

It's fish.

It's line -caught skate wing with a side of guava chutney, and it is all the

rage on the East Coast.

I don't know how to tell you this, Leon, but I think you breaded the bait.

Roseanne, I am not prone to scenes of personal confession, but I have walked

through a forest of deep depression myself.

Actually, Leon, I don't think you have the slightest clue about what I'm

feeling. Roseanne, I once spent two weeks on a waterbed listening to Jim

when my wife left me.

You were married before?

Yes, yes. To a woman? Yes.

And if she hadn't insisted on sex, we'd probably still be married.

How come you never told me that? Well, because everything in my life is just

grist for your ridicule, Mill.

Roseanne, the point I'm trying to make...

is that I have been in your shoes, albeit a much more stylish pair.

And I didn't wait till I felt better to get up.

I got up, and that made me feel better.

Hmm? Nah.

Well, how about this?

I haven't had a decent argument in a week.

Nah.

Roseanne, if you don't get out of that bed, I am going to crawl in there with

you.

Yes, I am.

Well, I finally got Jerry and Andy down for their naps. Had to wait for Jerry's

sugar crash to kick in.

Leon's been in there since 1 o 'clock. What time is it now?

1 .18. 1 .45.

Oh.

Great. Well, I guess we all forgot to synchronize our watches.

Well?

The good news is I'm going to learn how to get guava chutney out of cashmere.

I want to go next.

Why if you don't have to? I've got to meet her. I mean, all these people are

freaking out. I haven't seen this kind of rallying since Tim Lurie was going to

commit suicide online.

All right, but not now. It's too dangerous.

Oh, come on.

All right, we'll go around the side of the house and you can peek through the

bushes. Oh, for God's sakes, I'm a 14 -year -old woman.

I'm going in.

I'm Heather.

Hi.

Out.

No, no, wait. I'm a friend of DJ's.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're the one he's talking about.

He's got a lot of good things to say about you.

Very nice to meet you.

Out.

No, no, wait. I really need to talk to you. I'm worried about DJ. I mean, he's

really, really concerned about you.

Why? I'm going to be okay. It's not like I'm going to die or anything.

Well, okay.

Anything else?

Yeah, well, I really did want to meet you.

Oh, good. Well, now you have.

And on the way out, why don't you ask my sister to give you a lovely parting

gift?

You know what?

This really takes me back. I mean, this is exactly how my mom spent the 80s.

Oh, really?

Was she sick?

No, she was exactly like you are now, but all the time.

Did any annoying little girls come in and gawk at her?

Well, I don't know. You'll have to ask her herself.

So what are you going to do? Stay in bed for the rest of your life?

No, actually, only till the mothership comes back and then I'm out of here.

What are you going to do, Odie and Ho -Ho's, just because your husband left

These are not Ho -Ho's.

These are Little Debbie's.

Whatever. No, no.

There is a big difference, believe me.

So you think DJ's really worried about me?

Well, yeah.

Well, you better get out there and check on him, then.

You know, whether you like it or not, we all really need you out there. So why

don't you come out when you stop feeling sorry for yourself?

Bye.

How'd it go?

I tanked.

I'm here now, honey.

You have got to get out of my face.

Unless there's food in there. I tried to order pizza. They wouldn't deliver

through the window.

The only food you need is spiritual.

I brought crystals, healing music, books that contain the spiritual

wisdom of the universe.

The Mahabharata, the Tao Ching Chi, the Kabbalah, the Torah, the New Testament,

and the Koran.

How long were you planning on staying in here, Nancy?

Crystal has... Very powerful quality.

And this candle represents the light of God.

We set it here knowing that the darkness will disappear into the light.

If I blow that out, will you disappear into the kitchen?

Roseanne, this is all about healing.

It's not just about Dan.

It's about the anger, the abrasiveness, the harshness that has been eating you

alive, the poison that's been running through your spirit for years.

Nancy, that is my spirit.

Feel a sensation of calmness and compassion wash over you.

Can you feel it?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Good.

Because we all need you, Roseanne.

Leon and I need you back at the diner. I mean, I know it doesn't mean that much

to you anymore, but for Leon and I, it's our only income.

Could we maybe discuss business when I'm feeling a little bit better?

Sure.

Great. We'll come back in about a year or so.

Do not despair, Roseanne.

God works in mysterious ways.

Thanks for the crystal.

Okay, kids.

Your mother needs a clearing like nobody's business.

I'm going to throw some crystals, do a little chanting, and if I have anything

left, I'm going to do a yodna and throw some of your father's clothes into a

fire.

It's imperative for the next five minutes that no one have any negative

thoughts.

Freak.

I've got no time to say hi to you, pal.

I've got to talk to Mrs. Connor now. Where is she?

Hello! The woman's been in bed for the past four days.

Believe me, it's not a very pretty sight. The woman is, you know, she's

by heartache. She may never be whole again.

Lord knows I've been there.

I've got to go talk to her.

Oh, go for it. We've tried everything else. Maybe gibberish will work.

Damn right it will, and I want you all to come in and hear what I have to say

her, okay?

Well, come on, team! It's full -court press time! Let's go! Let's go! Let's

What in the hell is this? The grand finale?

Mrs.

Conner, I have something to tell you.

Now, I put two and two together, and... Well, here's what I came up with, okay?

Mr. Connor doesn't want to leave town.

Mark, don't toy with the woman. She's hanging on by a thread. Wait a minute,

Jackie. Now, he goes to the airport and he doesn't get on his plane. What is

that? And instead of checking on the next flight, he checks into an airport

hotel. Even weirder.

You know, come to think of it, Scott thought he saw him at the mall and he

buying a winter coat.

Now, does that sound like a guy going to California?

Sure does. Exactly. So I figured this is a guy just looking for an excuse to

stay. So I started brainstorming.

No wonder you look a little flushed.

Here's what I came up with, right?

I called Dan and I told him that he signed a government contract for that

prison construction job. If he doesn't show up, we lose the job.

Yeah, well, I hate to be a wet blanket here, Mark, but anyone can get out of a

contract. Yeah, if he wants to.

You know what it means. Dan is staying here for you, Roseanne.

Oh, so come on, Mrs. Connor, get up.

Come on, I'll start the shower.

What do you say?

Well, I need some time to sort this out, which I cannot do with all of you

sitting there staring at me.

Can you just get out and leave me alone, please?

You know, I thought for sure I would have got through to her.

You had to suggest a shower.

Thanks a lot, everybody.

You gave it your best shot.

My God, Mrs.

Conner, you're out!

Back, everybody, back!

Come on, no touching! She's like a zoo animal. If she runs behind a bush, we'll

never see her again.

I would just like to apologize to everybody for shutting you out like

We understand. Right, guys?

Yeah, of course.

Let me tell you something.

From this day forward, things are going to change. No more laying around feeling

sorry for myself.

Dan or not, I am going ahead with my life. I am moving forward.

Which one of my spiritual books turned you around?

Was it the Tony Robbins book?

Actually, everybody really helped me, but I have to say most of all it was

because that was just a brilliant idea, Mark.

I guess everybody hasn't won in a lifetime.

There's nothing, Mr. Conner. You know, anyone with four days to kill could have

came up with it.

The point is that you made me realize that I have got to take care of

And, Jackie, I think we should just give up the diner. No argument there? I

think we should just turn over our shares to Leon and Nancy.

Roseanne, that is so great.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. Let me make sure I understand what you're saying.

are giving us the diner, so we will be there, and you won't?

Exactly, Leon.

I want you guys to feel what me and Jackie felt when we first started that

place. I mean, for the first time, we felt like we really controlled our own

destiny. Right, we bought the diner, and then we worked really hard to make

something of it. Yeah, it wasn't like winning the lottery, you know, getting

something for nothing. We really earned that.

You know, Mom, you're all right.

Here, here.

This is the first intervention I've actually seen work.

You know, I know that I've inspired you guys, but...

Tonight you really all inspired me. I'm really touched by everything that you

did for me here tonight.

I feel like the richest woman in all of Lanford, with or without the money.

I think I'll go take a shower.

Rosie.

It's about taking control of your life. It's about finding a passion other than

food. You've got to use your personal power and turn things around.

And if we're going to start feeling better emotionally, you've got to take

of your body.

Now, let me tell you something. We've got to start with your diet.

You know, I personally am a strict vegetarian. How about you? What are we

to do here?

Well, Tony, you know, there's no meat in a ho -ho.

Oh, cool. You got me there. Scoot over.

Let's toast.