Original subtitles

Yeah, at 79 cents a minute, this better be good.

Hi, it's me. Where are you?

I'm just driving around, avoiding Dan.

I tried staying at home and just avoiding his hot spots, you know,

fridge.

What do you know?

He's in the shower.

Feel free to flush.

Maybe I should just come home.

Well, I mean...

What else can you possibly say to the guy?

Don't forget your swim trunks.

Oh, and don't rush back here. You know, the kids are still at mom's, and you

just have to clear your head. That is the most important thing that you can do

right now.

I guess you're right. I mean... It's not a trip to the post office with a

newsie, but I guess it'll have to do.

Hey, before he gets out of the shower... Don't worry.

I'll hide the towels.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Hold that rabbit with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've heard while waiting for my turn,

it's that each light of a rainbow.

But you also get some sun that will make us better than okay.

Oh, you're in here.

I was going to make a sandwich.

Be my guest.

No, I'll wait.

No, I'm hungry. I... I'll wait.

Pass the bologna?

Loretta?

It's wet. You didn't dry it off.

Sorry.

Um, Jackie? Dan, given the situation between you and Roseanne, I think it's

that we don't talk.

You mean to each other or just in general?

I just mean that it's a very unpleasant situation, and it's probably going to

remain that way.

Well...

Perhaps a short discussion on world famine might be in order.

You're still talking.

Well, I was just going to tell you that I licked that knife.

Damn it, Dan.

Don't, don't make me laugh.

Come on, Jack. We've been friends for over 25 years.

Well, I've been Roseanne's sister all my life.

Well, look, I don't know.

If I'm supposed to apologize to you or anything, but if I am, then I do.

Wait a minute.

That used to be Dairy Queen.

What, they turned it into a carpet store?

You've got to be kidding me.

Hello, can I take your order?

Uh, yeah.

I'll have a rooster bucket.

Crispy or soft?

Uh, crispy.

Regular or deluxe?

What's the difference?

I'll take a diet orange super silo.

Okay, would you like that with or without the lid?

Duh, without the lid so that I can spill it all over myself.

Okay, so that's one RV, an MC with a soy chili pepper sauce and an OSS minus

lid. Would that be all?

Well, that was a joke about the lid.

What time does your plane leave?

4 .17, but they advise you to be at the airport no later than 2 .36.

I'm going to clean the gutters today.

Oh, man, I was going to do that.

I'll do it.

Okay.

Bye, George.

I forgot, I'm a very wealthy man.

I shall hire the very finest gutter cleaner out there in all of Lanford.

Except you won't be here, so I'll hire somebody.

You know how to do that?

I can figure it out.

Why are you going?

Well, I told you, Deej. I gotta go back, take care of my mom.

I thought she was doing a lot better. Well, she is.

So why are you going back?

A hospital can only do so much, and she needs me.

When are you gonna quit talking to me like I'm stupid?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Look. Something bad is going on here, and you can't pretend it's not. E .J.,

nothing bad is going on here.

Don't give me that crap. Your mom is fine.

So why are you leaving? Hey, quit yelling at me. Hey, quit lying to me.

told you, my mom is a very sick woman.

Fine. Don't tell me.

Wait. Wait.

There's some things that I need to get straight in my head.

The hell does that mean?

I'm sorry, Deej. That's all I can say right now.

You just hate me. Is that it? No, I don't hate you.

You hate Mom? I love your mother. I love you. I love Becky and Darlene and

Jerry. It isn't about that.

It's something I have to do. It's all about me.

Right.

It's just about you.

Well, you'll understand someday.

Look, I understand plenty, Dad.

Have a nice trip.

Locally, an Elgin man rescued his wife from the freezing waters of the Calumet

River. Jack Bowden said, I just jumped in. I just want to live if she doesn't.

Hi, Dr. Susie. I guess I'm what you'd call the other woman.

I've been with him for six years now, and he's finally leaving his wife.

But I'm sort of feeling guilty about it.

How naive, caller. Trust me, he'll never leave his wife. They never do.

I had four kids, for God's sake.

What did you expect, that I'm supposed to have the very same body I did when I

was 20?

Well, actually, I do.

But he loved that body.

Who am I kidding? I don't even like looking at myself naked.

The government is funding these rec leagues to keep inner -city youth off

street. They have enough energy to play midnight basketball, but they're too

tired to say a prayer at school in the morning. Where's our America going?

Shut up, you fat ox.

Oh, my God.

They got rid of the donut shop, too.

Sorry. No, it's okay.

Oh.

That's all right. You take it. I've seen Sid and Nancy before.

Me too. It's one of my favorites.

I think they put it on the wrong shelf, though. I mean, this is with all the

Stallone, Schwarzenegger, $100 million budget Hollywood media empire crap.

I was kind of looking for the documentaries.

Oh, they're right over here.

They mix them with the foreign films.

Do you ever see Crumb?

God, I love this movie. This has to be the most screwed up family ever.

about you, but I can really relate to that.

Yeah.

You know, my sister used to have some R. Crumb comics. She used to beat me up

for looking at them.

Oh, my God. Are they the originals? You know, the ones from the 60s? Probably.

They smell funny.

Oh, here's a great French film. The Delicatessen.

It's about a butcher who kills the people who live over a shop, then he

them up and serves them to his customers.

No way.

See, the message is, that's what our inhuman society makes us do to each

I mean, we slice each other up and eat each other.

Blood, guts, brains, and everything.

So, like, the message is, hey, hey, hey, like, we suck.

Do you like Robert Rodriguez?

Oh, God, of course. He's like King of the Independents. And Link later?

Totally. I mean, I saw soccer and thought, how does this guy know me and

friends so well?

Felt the same way.

I'm Heather.

I'm DJ.

DJ. Ooh, initials but no name. I like a mystery.

So it's DJ Stanford. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me.

You know, I don't like to brag or anything, but I make videos.

Oh, wow. Me too, me too.

I want to make films that will, like, change the world.

I mean, I love comedies, especially silent ones. I mean, Chaplin, Harold

and of course... Of course, Buster Keaton. That stone face, funny and

the same time, you know? Do you know he was in Beach Blanket Bingo? God, can you

believe that great guy was in that crappy movie?

I bet you we know a lot of the same stuff.

I bet.

So, Scorsese, what kind of films are you going to make?

I'm thinking documentaries, because I just like turning on the camera around

house and seeing what I get.

It's way better than anything I could think of. I love documentaries. Have you

seen Brother's Keeper?

It's amazing!

So, of course, it didn't get nominated for an Oscar.

Of course.

Yeah, I think those Oscars are all politics anyway.

They totally suck. I mean, it's just one big fashion show. It has nothing to do

with serious filmmaking.

Yeah, I just sit there watching it every year going, man, this bites.

Have you seen Microcosmos?

No, is it about something small?

No, it's this amazing documentary about insects.

I mean, the people that made it, they made their own special cameras so they

could film the insects from really close up. No way. Okay, there's this ladybug,

and she's walking down the limb, right? And the ants are on the limb, too, okay?

So the ants are, like, freaking out. No way. And, like, they try to get the

ladybug. She kind of just closes herself inside her shell. And then there are

these two bees, and they're, like, right there. No way. And it's like there are

these two huge rhino beetles that get into this really big fight. And, oh, my

God, the best part has the hottest, most amazing love scene.

No way.

But only with snails.

No way.

I mean, it's totally amazing.

You just have to see it for yourself.

We should hang out together sometime and watch it.

Yeah, sure.

How about this afternoon?

Today? Yeah, that sounds good.

Why don't you take whatever you want from here, and then you can come over to

house later.

Sure. All right.

Here's where I live.

And here's my number.

Can you read that okay?

Oh, yeah, I read it was smaller than that before, Ted.

I used to do that, but then I heard film school doesn't care about grades.

Lonesome. Lonesome and thinking about you.

This whole town is full of idiots.

Yeah.

I mean, those jerks at school, the people you meet on the street. I mean, I

like I'm totally on my own, you know?

It's just how I feel.

God, DJ, this is so great. I've just never met another person who gets it.

I mean, a while back, I thought I was connecting with this guy, so we started

talking about movies, of course, right?

Then he says he liked Independence Day. I mean, how can you walk around on the

planet with somebody like that?

I hated Independence Day.

Yeah, I really don't have that many friends I can trust anymore.

Not since my family won the lottery.

There's a great movie, The Lottery.

I don't know that one.

It's awesome.

It's about winning this lottery, right? So at first everyone thinks it's a good

thing, but then at the end, the winner's like stoned to death. No way.

You should check it out.

So your family really won the lottery, huh?

Yeah.

How much was it?

108 million.

Wow.

Yeah.

I think it'd make everything great.

All day we'll screw everything up.

My family used to have money. We heard our Spurber drugs, we used to own it.

What do you mean, used to have money?

What happened?

You know, my mom started using, first it was Percocet, Valium, Xanax, you know,

stuff lying around the pharmacy.

Yeah, my family's pretty screwed up, too.

You know, at Thanksgiving dinner, my grandmother announced to everyone that

was gay.

I think at least one of my stepdads was gay.

One of your stepdads?

How many have you had?

Let me see. There's Tom. He's a gay guy.

Garvin, the guy with the boat.

What's his name? And the guy I never met, so five.

You know my other grandmother, the one who isn't gay?

She's a schizophrenic.

Yeah.

Today my dad walked out on us.

Which one?

I just have one.

One of your ragging?

Well,

maybe now that I burn my tongue and I don't have any taste buds left, then I

won't be able to eat so much, so I won't be such a big, fat pig, and then my

husband won't leave me.

Look at that guy.

I hate men.

I should do his wife a favor and just run him over right now.

I am caught, though.

Sent to prison.

Then I'd have to prove myself out in the yard every day.

No, no.

OJ can get away with it, so can I.

All I have to do is... Get me a jury of 12 fat, dumb housewives.

You better run, you little wiener!

Hello?

It's me.

I'm at a hotel near the airport.

I switched to a later flight because I was wondering.

Well, if you're not too far away, maybe we can be...

Look, I don't blame you for not answering. I wouldn't talk to me either.

But I just don't feel ready to get on the plane.

Well, I just don't feel ready to have you come home.

Well, all right then.

Yeah, all right then.

Hey, Jackie, it's me.

I need you to come and pick me up. I'm over at, like, 13th and Sheffield.

No!

No, I'm not okay.

My ears are freezing, my butt is tired, and I think I have a french fry lodged

in my larynx. That's it. You sounded crazy on the phone. You scared me to

I didn't mean to scare you. I just could not be behind that wheel one more

second. Well, you did the right thing. You know, coming from an ex -trucker.

Driving and crying do not mix.

Dan finally left the house.

Yeah, I know. He called me in my car.

He called you.

I think he wanted me to beg him to stay or something. What'd you say?

I told him I didn't want him to come home.

And then you've just been driving around this whole time.

Yeah.

Yeah, I learned something, too, Jackie, you know.

There really aren't too many places to go in Lanford.

But fortunately, I was able to collect enough ketchup packets to take us right

into the Ice Age.

Well, I'll follow you home.

You want to go by Denny's and pig out on...

milkshakes and grand slams.

I know you're not going to believe this, Jackie, but for the first time in my

life, I think I'm full.

Oh, what the hell, yeah.

I'm full.