Original subtitles

Okay, David, look a little peaked.

See, David, I told you you were looking better.

I'm just feeling a little queasy as well.

He thinks he's having pregnancy pain.

Tell him that that's not possible.

Well, I don't know, darling.

When my water broke, your father wet his pants.

Oh, hey, honey, that three -fingered guy down at the hardware store, he asked me

for my autograph.

Which three -fingered guy? None of them down there have a full set.

Ever since the lottery thing. See, everybody wants to get a little piece of

It's okay with me. Finally, I'm starting to hear a little sweet talk from the

ladies.

Yeah, you know, Grandma's been a lot nicer to me, too, lately.

I mean, them girls at school, Darlene. All right, get this. Okay, I was sitting

there, and there was an empty seat next to me in the cafeteria.

Like there always is.

All right.

So then Karen Baylor goes to sit down, and Susie Johnson throws an elbow and

takes a seat.

Two girls fighting? That is so sad.

It's not sad, stupid. It's erotic.

Oh, I gotta tell you, the freakiest thing happened to me, too.

I'm down at the dry cleaners, and the guy down there that owns the place, he

asked me to say a blessing over his lottery ticket.

What didst thou say unto him?

scout pledge and a couple of Hail Marys, then I wave my hand around it, you

know, just for the show.

You know what I just realized?

Next to that duck walking around with the arrow in its neck, we're the most

famous thing in Lanford.

You know what doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rabbit with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've earned while waiting for my turn, it's that

in each lack of a rainfall, but you also get some fun.

And we'll make out better than okay.

Here's what I say.

Yeah, I got any day.

So, the duck's the most famous thing in Lanford, and we're number two, right?

Absolutely. Duck, us.

What was number two before us?

Well, that's a tough call.

Probably that guy that dropped his pants down at the bank for funniest home

videos.

God, that made me so damn mad. You could tell that was totally fixed.

He was probably going around with his pants under his butt the whole damn

Makes you not want to keep your money there, though, I'll tell you that.

That's for damn sure.

Hey, I forgot to tell you.

Becky called from the carnival with the boys.

She says they're having a great time.

And our little Jerry won the pie -eating contest.

Prodigy.

Oh, has anybody seen Leon lately? Ever since we won the lottery, he looks like

hell. I know. I saw him the other day. He looked like such a slob. I thought he

was straight.

When's he going to get over it?

Never. Not as long as I'm alive.

I forgot to tell you who I ran into. John McCord.

John McCord. Remember?

Varsity track. He's the guy that dressed like the guy in Mod Squad.

Which guy in Mod Squad?

Link or the white guy? You can never remember his name.

Come on, Rosina. You're John McCord? First shag hair cut in my history? Yeah,

that guy. Anyway, he corners me in the fruit section and he asks me out. As if

the lottery had nothing to do with that.

But you're going, right? Hell yes, I'm going.

Hey, guess what happened? Me.

Got a call from the mayor of Lanford.

Was he trying to sell you some more Amway?

No, actually, this time he called as the mayor of Lanford.

He wants me to ride in the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Wow, that is an honor.

Yeah, it's me and some old guy that was like the last soldier that ever fought

in World War I or something.

Hey, I hope people in this town don't mistake me for Anna Nicole Smith and her

old husband.

Yeah, we really are becoming celebrities.

Yeah.

It's kind of not what I thought it was going to be, you know?

I kind of thought it was going to be more exciting or something. I don't

How come that, uh, Ted Popple ain't called us yet?

Nah, he's lost his edge.

Well, he's no Jerry Springer, that's for damn sure.

Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry! Hey, let's talk about the American dream.

A good job, a good home. Hey, how about winning the lottery?

Well, my guest tonight did exactly that.

They're just ordinary folks from Lanford, Illinois. Please welcome

Dan Conner.

Wow, $108 million.

How did you feel when you got the news?

Well, you got to understand, Jerry, I'm recovering from a major heart attack, or

a myocardial infarction, as the doctors call it.

See, I was at my daughter's wedding, which I guess contributed to the stress.

Plus, I ate me a couple bacon, butter, and mayonnaise sandwiches for breakfast,

which probably contributed to the clog.

Yeah, well also you forgot to tell so you're not starting in the right place

get it that was like before and then here we were a little bit later after

came home and everything so Well, we just had this big fight Like the worst

fight ever so we thought we're gonna break up or something, you know, but

everything worked out So that was cool. I tell you what wait a minute. Let's

just slow down a little bit What I want to know is how did you how did you find

out that you won? Well, we're sleeping Yeah

Anyway, her sister comes over. Yeah. My sister comes in and she's like,

Roseanne, Roseanne. You know, so I go out there and everything.

Kind of put me off my feed.

Sorry, honey.

And so I go out there and she's like, hey, you guys won the lottery. I'm like,

what? You know, so we were like kind of just.

screaming and freaking out and stuff you know yeah we had a real big wing thing

then mrs jumped up on my back wasn't okay but wasn't there like some

story about how oh yeah well i was getting to that okay well so my husband

in the hospital and everything and wanted he's there in his room and

well like i didn't um well i was just trying to keep my mind off of what was

going on because you know i mean i didn't know if my husband was getting

i was like

Yeah, the infarction.

And I was just getting really nervous about it. So, like, I was trying to just

kill time. Not really kill time, but just kind of take my mind off of, you

worrying about my husband. So, like, I went down and I bought this lottery

ticket. And I worked out this whole kind of, you know, system for, like, how to

pick the numbers. Because, like, I picked out, okay, I picked 36 for the

of times I salted my hospital food.

And then 8 for the number of parking tickets I got for...

Parking in the ambulance only.

Wasn't your sister involved?

Oh, yeah. She's the one that, you know, found out first and told us. Why don't

we bring out your sister? Here's Roseanne's sister.

Welcome to the

show. What is your part in this fascinating story?

Um, well, uh...

Like, I picked out three of the numbers, and then she picked out three of the

numbers. And then I was the one that saw that we won the lottery on TV.

So I go running over there. I'm like, Roseanne, Roseanne. And she's like,

And I'm like, you know, we won the lottery. And she's like, what? And I'm

no, we wanted to tell Dan, but we didn't know how because, you know, he'd had

the heart attack.

Yeah, see, I'm not supposed to have any stress or lift up anything heavy or

whatnot because the whole thing could just pop like that again. So tell them

what you said about the heart. Oh, well, I told my husband after we won and

everything. I told my husband, I said, honey, you don't even have to worry

about, you know, your bad ticker anymore, because now we've got enough

buy you one of those baboon heart transplants. Oh, yeah.

Baboon heart transplant or a pig valve or whatever science has come up with it.

How did it feel?

Well, I felt this pain going up my arm, you know.

I go rushing over there, you know, and I tell them, and they're like, whoa, you

know.

And then we sat around for a little bit.

And then, oh, I, see, was like, whoa.

Yeah, Jerry, see, I felt bad because I had my heart attack at my daughter's

wedding. And, well, you know, she had to get married. Honey, don't say that on

television.

How did the lottery change your life?

How did the lottery change your life?

Oh, I got a date with John McCord.

Oh, yeah, and we had a lady from today.

Good morning, America. Kathleen Sullivan came over. She interviewed us. Now, is

she Ed Sullivan's daughter?

I think she is, yeah.

Why don't we bring out the rest of the Conner family? Okay, here's the rest of

the Conner family.

Oh, well, welcome, everybody, to the show. Your mom, your mom has won $108

million. How do you guys feel?

I am the mother of the girls, Mrs. Springer, Mrs. Beverly Harris.

How proud you must be.

You know, now that we have this money, I don't have to be a Democrat anymore.

Any questions? Yes, go ahead.

Hi. So how much money did you win?

You should listen to her and what she says about those guys, and he should

listen to her about the other one.

Yeah, now that you guys have all that money, why don't you give me some?

eager to assist us with our afterlife needs.

I told him I already bought a shovel and a big bag of lime.

Would you pass me some beans?

Yes, I could.

I'd like to see somebody who likes his vegetables.

I'm not going to eat them. I'm just going to suck the glaze off them.

That's right. Mom will just re -glaze them tomorrow.

You haven't said anything in the last five minutes.

Yeah, I actually started to relax.

Sorry, guys. I just found a space out there.

Thinking about the money, huh? I've been doing that, too.

It changes the way you look at the world, doesn't it? Yeah.

And also the way the world looks at you.

Yeah. Yeah.

You girls are going to put me out of a job.

Okay, now let's get started. I just want you both to relax and move to the

music.

I don't know, Avalon. Hey, just forget letter wire hair. Make me sweat.

Yeah, that's it. Open up the estrogen tap and let it flow.

Come on, you're rich. You're sexy.

I don't know, Avalon. I'm really nervous. I mean, I'm nervous about how

going to look. I've been freaking out since the 70s. There's nothing to worry

about, darling. Women aren't born beautiful. It's all done with the magic

light. Here, I'll take a Polaroid and I'll show you.

Well.

Oh, my God. Look, Jackie.

It really is about the lighting.

Get back out. Show me what you've got.

What makes you think you contain these flames?

What makes you think you contain these flames?

Your life will pass before...

is something really special.

You know, I just want to tell you that you single -handedly revolutionized

America's puritanical morals, and I personally want to thank you.

Well, I want to thank you for one of the most memorable shootings in Playboy's

history. Oh, yes.

I bet you say that to all the girls. Of course I do.

Oh, 14 ,980 of them. Yes, and I mean it every time.

But I have to say that you are the most beautiful woman on this earth.

Thank you.

No, in the universe.

Oh!

Wow,

the judges certainly wasted no time in making that decision.

Now let's see who will be sipping champagne and who will be crying into

cold cream.

Here we go. The new Miss Universe is...

Miss Lampard Roseanne Conner!

Oh, Miss Lampard, you are without a doubt the most voluptuous, beautiful

in the universe. I must admit, I was a little worried when they discovered life

on Mars.

Take your sickly, scroll -down -the -runway girlfriend!

Here she is, the blue -collar Judy.

She's her...

failed, they thank you, Lee.

She's got a hell of a figure when she fills out a D -cup.

Woo! Maybe that's why she's the winner and first runner -up. Yes, she's our

Universe USA.

Oh, hold it, hold it. Stop, please.

I have just learned that Miss Lampert has...

broken the pageant's rules by posing for a commercial publication.

Hey, those were tasteful.

It's okay.

You all right, honey?

Of course I'm all right. I'm the new guest girl.

That's a wrap.

What do you mean cut? We're not even done with the scene.

Oh, sorry, Roseanne. I mean, this is the 200th episode, and they said to tell

you as soon as the cake got here.

Oh, the cake's here. Come on. Let's go get some.

Your day of reckoning has come.

You have sinned a great sin and are not worthy to receive these Ten

Commandments. The Almighty has proven that your faith can overcome even the

of nature.