Original subtitles

Is that what you're telling me?

Let's kill Dan.

No!

Dan has just had a heart attack and this kind of thing could kill him.

What's going on?

Don't panic.

Why? What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.

Dan. Dan. I have something to tell you. But before I tell you, you have to

promise me that you are not going to collapse or turn blue or anything like

that.

Scout. honor.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've earned while waiting for my turn, it's

that in each light of a rainfall, but you also get some sun that will make...

Yeah, but you know what? If this ticket was worth only, say, 10 million, I'd

love it just as much.

You know what? You guys should have that framed.

Yeah, we should.

Duh! You have to turn it in to get the money, Mark.

I want you to know that no one deserves this more than you and Dad.

Oh.

Oh, those are those pregnancy hormones kicking in.

Oh, sweet.

Too bad you didn't get knocked up years ago.

All right, so I have it all figured out. You guys are going to get $5 .4 million

a year. That's like $10 a minute. 17 cents a second.

Wow. That's 17 cents.

That's 17 cents.

That's 34 cents.

What are we going to do with all the money, honey?

I'll tell you what.

We're going to move out of here and buy that great big house down the block.

Or better yet, wait, no.

We're going to move.

To the really nice part of town.

Or Egypt.

This is our ancestral home.

I grew up here.

Don't worry, honey. We're not going to get rid of the house.

We'll just put it in the tree in the backyard of our new place.

You know what we can do?

We're going to be able to send Becky to the college that she wants to go to.

Something really great like Harvard.

What's another college?

Thanks, Mom.

Yeah, and DJ, you can just go ahead and drop out of school altogether.

No way. I mean, now that we got all this dough, I'm finally going to be popular.

Well, I've always had this dream that one day I'd buy a vineyard in Bordeaux

tease the nectar of the gods from the heart of the grape.

Why, that jug from buying bag keeps you just as happy.

I'm going to get all new tools, finish my boat. You know what I'm going to have

mounted next to the captain's chair?

What's that?

The Liberty Bell.

Clank, clank, crack.

I want to ride in the space shuttle. Who's with me?

Hey, you don't even have to worry about your health or your heart anymore, Dan,

because we can just buy one of them bad boys.

Now, good God, I'm getting me a ton of plastic surgery. I swear to God.

I'm getting one of them nose jobs, and I'm going to get a tummy tuck and a ton

of liposuction.

Honey, I like it just the way you are. Well, that don't matter to me because

dumping you for some parasitic pig. Then I'm going to lose him for some young

guy that's really buff.

And then after that... Ho, ho, ho, ho. Just slow down, everybody.

We can't celebrate until we've officially gotten the money.

Okay, if I read about this guy, he's an average guy.

Okay, you know, he's got a winning lottery ticket.

You know, he's whooping it up. He figures he's already got the cash.

Guess what? He lost the ticket!

Oh. So one minute, he's got millions. The next minute, nothing.

Thanks for sharing that, Pat. I'm just saying, I'm saying we've got to be very,

very careful here.

I agree with Jackie. Don't do that, Mother.

Come on, Jackie, there's got to be something you want. I'm not going to

about it until that ticket goes down to that house. I know what Jackie wants.

Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Cherry red sports car with a leather -wrapped steering wheel.

And a Rolex!

Hey, that wasn't so hard.

You know, they say that DeVry Institute's a good college.

If we were here to collect, say, $108 million, where would we go?

Oh, you're the one, huh?

You know, I had two of those numbers.

Well, thanks for your dollar.

You want the lottery, director.

Stay alert, my friend.

Uh, hello.

Uh, where are the Connors? We have an appointment.

Oh, hello, hello. So this is the lucky couple. I'm Mr.

Russo. Boy, I bet you're excited. We were up all night. So was I.

You know, your win, should it prove valid, would be the high point of my

disbursement career.

Man, you guys are so much nicer here than at the unemployment office.

Bertie took the liberty of filling out the claim form there.

Good, good, good, and thanks for pressing hard.

Now, I'm going to have to match the validation number on your ticket. Yes,

Well, Dan, looks like we will be going to our next high school reunion.

All right, now I need some identification.

Yes, sir, absolutely.

We are us. I didn't know what to bring here. I get the first certificate,

license, social security number. That's my fishing license.

Yeah, and that key card there, that unlocks room 411 at the Pine Tree Motor

Lodge.

Well, on behalf of the state of Illinois, let me congratulate you.

You have just won the largest lottery in our history.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I hope you folks don't mind closing for a few publicity photos. Look at all the

paparazzi. I bet that guy's with the Enquirer. Hey, I didn't know the

press was going to be here.

All right, now smile.

All right, that's enough, that's enough.

Now we're going to be sending these photos along with a press release, so

going to be bombarded by the media.

Why, we didn't grow a squash that looks like Dole or nothing.

Yeah, Mr.

Russo, you know, not to be piggy or nothing, but when do we get the real

Well, that'll be right along. It should take about four or five weeks.

Four or five weeks? Really?

Well, we were going to take the family out for ice cream. Now what the hell are

we supposed to do?

I ain't never seen this room so bright.

Yeah, I think people who read would really like this place.

Hi, I'm Kathleen Sullivan.

Hi, uh, Roseanne and Dan.

Congratulations.

Take a seat.

Okay.

Now we'll just start whenever you're comfortable.

Okay. Put this mic here on, Mom.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. No, that feels phony, Dan.

This is Kathleen Sullivan on remote in America's heartland, Lanford, Illinois,

where two hardworking, self -described regular folks have just won the biggest

lottery in Illinois state history.

So, Roseanne and Dan Conner, how does it feel to be worth more than $100

million? Well, I feel like a million bucks.

I guess I've sold myself short.

Tell us, you two luck birds, who are Roseanne and Dan Conner?

Well, we were born in Lantford. Yeah, we were born here in Lantford.

High school sweetheart. Went to Lantford High School. Went to Lantford High

School. It was about 10th grade. 10th grade.

Played football.

Played football.

We met. Got married. We got married. Moved into this house. I put that

in her myself.

Mommy got the knickknacks and whatnot. Put the heart up. And here we are. Here

we are.

Why don't we meet the rest of the family? Oh, yeah, definitely.

Kids, come on down. Come on in here.

Come on!

Okay, this is our daughter, Darlene, and her husband, David.

They're vegetarian, so they don't have the strength to hold their heads up.

This is our oldest daughter, Becky, and her husband, Mark.

I'm Mark.

This is our son, DJ, and our little baby, Jerry. Here, give me the baby.

the baby.

What'd you do to him? Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

And this is Mrs. Harris, the woman who raised me.

Hello, America.

Hello.

And my sister, Jackie. I helped pick the numbers.

So there you are, ladies and gentlemen, the Lucky Family.

But tell us, how do you think the lottery is going to change your life?

Well, not much. We're probably just going to be the same people we always

Yeah, only happy.

They ought to make the caviar bigger.

One jar barely fits on one cracker.

This is the first party we've had where DJ wasn't in the bedroom going through

coat pockets.

And that's the way it's going to be from now on. More meat, son.

This meat doesn't look right. I mean, where's all the white shiny stuff?

This is lean meat, son.

Our 22 % days are over with.

Hey, hey, Dan.

Go ahead and show him that lobster and that fancy meat with a bone still in it.

Oh, no.

The lad's seen enough for one day.

Hey, I got the plastic champagne glasses.

Did you get the expensive ones?

$5 .99 a dozen.

DJ, run these burgers out to Mark, and I'm going to go entertain our guests.

Hello.

Uh, no, I'm sorry, we don't have an Uncle Sid.

Or an Uncle George.

And no Charlie. Strike three, lunch me.

Brand names are so colorful.

Oh, you got champagne.

And it's out of state.

It's so incredible. I even went to that fancy market today, and for the first

time in my life, I didn't hold up the line by paying with coupons.

You paid full price for everything? No, not everything. They threw in the bottle

of champagne for free because they recognized me. No.

It's so...

And then when Dan went down to get the charcoal, the guy throws in a hibachi

a free set of those kebab pokers.

Wow, this pregnancy thing really bites. I'm going to start crying again.

Oh, that's nothing.

Wait till you start peeing when you laugh.

Or sneeze.

Yeah.

Or blank.

I got this one.

Hello?

Uh -huh.

No, I'm sorry. We've already committed to a charity. We just bought 500 bottles

of Paul Newman salad dressing.

Hey, Leon, come on over here and help yourself to some caviar.

You really did win the lottery.

I just had to come over and see if my worst nightmare did come true, and in

it has.

So I am now in hell.

Kill me.

Well, I'm kind of busy right now, Leon, but go on in the kitchen and help

yourself to what's ever under the sink.

Hello?

Gee, I don't know.

Oh, DJ, just hang up on them.

What do they want now?

How am I supposed to know? Nana Mary just started talking. She told me to

up.

can't get over your windfall.

Well, I owe it all to you, Mom.

I mean, if you would have encouraged me to do something useful with my life,

this never would have happened.

Thank you, dear.

And I want you to know that all that money I lent you over the years, well,

there's no need to give it a moment's thought.

There's a bunch of people looking over the back fence trying to take our

picture. Don't worry about it. They can't use any of it, man. I was mooning

and flipping them to bird the whole time.

What's going on around here?

Well, you know, the guy at the prize office warned us this might happen.

Hey, everybody, it's time to toast Dan and Roseanne on their great fortune.

No, no, no, no. Please allow me.

To the Connors.

I say, and I quote, to know what God thinks of money, one only has to look at

those to whom he has given it.

Thanks, Leon.

You guys have got to look. There's like over a hundred people out there.

Isn't it wonderful being rich? Bitch, I've finally risen above the people I

knew were my inferior.

I'm just giving you the schoolgirl.

Make that a private schoolgirl.

Okay, Mom, time to go out and lay on the lawn and take a nap.

Boy, is this causing a traffic jam.

Well, I told you to take those Christmas lights down.

You know what, Dad?

I was just thinking, you may have the pleasure of winning all this money, but

will have the sheer delight of watching you blow it all on collectible plates.

Collectible plates are in the past, Leon. The future is all about Star Trek

signature coffee mugs.

Hey, hey, hey, it's a great party. I forgot to mention, don't spend it all in

one place.

the kitchen? Well, it was great talking to you again. Really great.

Who in the hell was I just talking to? I have no idea.

Who are you?

Man, honey, this is insane.

Dan, how do you leave a party when you're the host?

You know, I think technically if we went down to the basement, we wouldn't be

leaving the party.

You're on.

Coming through!

Dangway, watch your back.

Privacy.

Sanctuary.

Man, it's quiet in here.

I hate hearing all these voices, you know, unless they're mine.

Yeah, I think the ringing in my ears has finally stopped.

This is the first time we've been alone together all day.

Well, you know what? It's really nice.

We could do a lot more of that from now on.

Just hanging out together.

Spend every single minute of the day together.

Uh, yeah.

Well, you know, it's not like we're going to have all that much downtime,

know. We're going to be doing a lot of things. We're going to be shopping, you

know, going to a lot of movies, a lot of plays, stuff like that. We'll travel.

We could take one of them Kathy Lee tours.

Hey, I bet you we're richer than her now.

Boy, does that put things into perspective.

Man. So you know what we really got to do, though, Dan? What's that? We have

really got to start taking better care of ourselves, you know?

I mean, now that we got all this money, I want to live.

Yeah, me too.

How do you go about doing something like that?

See, I think we'll get a nutritionist, you know, and they'll tell us what to

eat. And then we'll haul in one of them trainers, you know, and they'll just

whip our butts right into shape. Yeah.

I could be buff in a couple of months.

Or ten years, whatever.

Man, it is just amazing, isn't it? I mean, we're going to be part of the

hoity -toity, hoop -dee -doo.

Well. Remember what I told you when we started going out?

Stick with me, kid. I'll have you farting through silk.

No matter what happens, we're just going to be the same people.

Same old Dan and Roseanne.

Come with me, Rob and Leach, as we tour the home of the Duke and Duchess of Good

Fortune. Lottery winners, Dan and Roseanne Connor.

Here is their luxurious Lanford lair. The decor is a delightful potpourri of

American Baroque.

The carpet is a beautiful polyester fiber.

It's no longer made for health reasons.

And this is the crown jewel of our collection.

And what a jewel it is.

All wings of the house meet here at the entertainment center, where Dan and

Roseanne relax after a long day of counting their lucre.

We have all the Barnaby Jones tape.

We relax by watching an episode from season three.

As the day drew to a close, Roseanne proved just why she's famous for her

hospitality from Manhattan to Marrakesh. Want a sandwich?

No lover of fine food could resist such an offer.

I'm Robin Leach with beer wishes and nacho dreams.