Original subtitles

The following presentation is rated TV -14.

Hereby bequeath all of the accumulated art and artifacts from Keene Manor,

collected by my family over ten generations, to the Luna Foundation to

catalogued for display in its museums or disposed of according to the detailed

instructions that follow.

I'd say detailed is the operative word here.

One of the most incredible private collections of antiques in the world.

Amazing. All these boxes.

There must be thousands of items here.

Most of them pass this.

Which is why I called Milo.

Derek!

Milo!

You old dog.

You look great. You liar.

Milo Jeffords. I'd like you to meet Alexandra Moreau.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Milo has the best eye for antiques I've ever known.

Well, nothing like prison to further a man's education.

Prison? Derek didn't tell you? Oh, that's how we met.

How did you two meet?

Blockading Russian trawlers.

We worked with Greenpeace for a year.

Oh, out to sea saving whales.

You must have some great stories.

Yes, but they're most unfortunately not fit for polite conversations.

Ah,

what's this?

Garden variety pot stone with a porcelain figurine.

Descriptions look like Gaelic. Mine's a little rusty, sorry.

A poteen. It's the Gaelic equivalent of moonshine. Ah, Irish dew in a whiskey

jug. Seems appropriate.

From the glazing, I'd say it's 18th century Celtic. Not especially valuable.

Well, maybe it's what's inside that's valuable.

Only one way to find out. Care to join me?

Well, actually, I'd like to save the drinks for dinner.

You know your problem.

You've always been wound too tight.

Milo, why don't I show you your room? With pleasure.

Great. Lead the way, milady. Absolutely.

And then I would like to see everything in those boxes.

Lofty boy.

Oh.

Whoops.

I'll deal with you later, sweetheart.

Let's see what we have here.

That's a bit of a kick.

Holy mother.

He's me.

And I'm him.

That's impossible.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Apparently not.

Amazing.

But how?

Witches, bro.

Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly.

Do I have to?

Of course you do.

Oh, relax, honey. Tonight is going to be the best night you have ever had in

your whole life.

You're right. You're right.

No, it is. I promise.

Where's our star?

I'm afraid she's having opening night butterflies.

What? Cat, come on. We got to go. The show must go on. Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, honey, you look so cute.

I can't believe I have to wear this dumb costume.

I can't even go home after it's done.

I know, it's hard.

But, hey, I spoke to the painter today, and he says they are almost finished, so

we can move back into our own house on Sunday. What do you think about that?

I feel sick, Mom.

Oh, honey, you're a trooper. I know you can do it.

Oh, I remember my first school play. I was so nervous.

I threw up right before I was supposed to go on.

Thanks, Alex.

No, that didn't stop me from giving it my all.

Yeah. I don't even have any lines.

stuck in Charlotte's web, and then get eaten alive.

You have the most important role in this whole play.

Mm -hmm. Yeah.

You're Charlotte's last meal.

Oh, come on, Cat.

You know the only way to beat your fear is to face it with a smile.

Smile.

There you go.

Thanks,

laddie. Don't worry.

I won't do nothing with yours that I wouldn't do with me own, eh?

You

are

dumb anyway.

For fear of little men.

Oh, cat.

You look very natty tonight.

We're beginning to bugger, huh?

This isn't very funny.

I thought Nick was supposed to be here.

Yeah, well, unfortunately, his flight from Fiji has been delayed, so he won't

back until tomorrow night, but he asked me to tell you to break a wing.

Come on.

Oh, Rachel, before you go, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine, Milo

Jepic, who's going to help us to create the Keen collection.

Milo, this is my associate, Dr. Rachel Corrigan. Hello.

Corrigan. Irish, are you?

Oh, a wee bit. My husband was Irish.

Ah, kindred spirit.

And this precious Colleen is yours.

You sure don't sound very Irish.

I'm not a Colleen. I'm a fruit fly.

Fruit fly.

Kindred spirit?

Come on.

You're not Irish. I thought you were a Czechoslovakian from Minnesota.

Ah. Look at this.

Oh. Ooh, careful.

So beautiful.

And so valuable. Let's put it back. Can I put it in my room just for tonight?

We'll see when we get back.

Speaking of which, we've got to be going. I'm sorry to rush off like this.

Hopefully we'll get a chance to talk when we do get back.

Alex has been telling me some stories about you two.

Night, night. Night.

Knock on that, Kat.

Okay.

But tell me.

Tell you what?

Couldn't wait, could you?

No.

So I won it.

Great.

Good.

Then let's drink it together.

Huh?

Well, too old times.

Whoa!

Packed the punch.

Is it going?

Why not?

One of the finer things.

I love aged whiskey.

And a good cigar.

Me too.

How might you be, mister?

Well, if I'm not mistaken, I'm your brother, Sean McStuart Culhane. Yes,

me, Jimmy, in the flesh.

Someone else's, anyway.

Well, you don't sound like Sean.

No, of course not. I'm stuck in this body the same way you're stuck in that,

voice and all.

You cracked your shin when you were a lad, it healed poorly, and you favor the

leg ever since.

Everyone who knew me would know as much.

You told Mom and Dad a horse threw you, but you really broke it dropping off the

loft of Haggerty's barn after we broke into it to steal a cow.

What did we do with a cow?

We traded it for a pistol, remember?

Fenians forever.

Home rule. God bless James Stevens. God bless James Stevens, indeed.

My brother, you say? Yeah.

Well, brother, here's a toast.

Here's all the trouble you got me out of.

Yes, for all the trouble you got me in.

So where exactly do you think we are?

Good question.

Mary Joseph and Junior.

What the... Who the hell is that?

It's either the biggest damn bridge in hell or the pearly gates.

Yeah.

Well, one thing's for sure.

We're not an island anymore.

So who the hell is he?

His name's Derek.

He's you.

Me? Yeah.

Yeah, have a look.

You must be joking.

Does it look like I'm joking?

He's out colder than a mackerel.

Yeah, just like mine.

I'd say they're not much for drinking.

Too bad yours is such an ugly bugger.

Watch your mouth.

You're no price yourself.

So what happened to me?

Now think back, Jimmy.

What's the last thing you remember?

I remember going to Derry to give Catholics hell on a Friday night. Right.

we were out to make a few extra pounds on the side, remember?

Yeah, we broke into the house, the big house.

Old Margaret Keene's manor. They said she was a witch, only we didn't believe

them. She caught us red -handed. Yeah, but remember how good she was about it.

Didn't call the constable or nothing. No, regular sweetheart about it. In

I remember she offered us a drink.

Right.

Out of this jug?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we were humoring her because we thought she was daft.

Here, read this.

The spirits distilled here within are souls of two troublesome kings.

If they escape, they'll make troubles in twos and in doubles.

That's us.

She put a spell on us. What did you expect? She was a damned witch.

With magical power, she hexed us good by pouring us a dram, and we were dumb

enough to drink it.

So our bodies are gone?

Yeah. And our spirits wound up in the jug.

Damn!

She trapped us like two ships in a bottle.

When he took a drink from the jug, your spirit slipped out and took his shape

the same way mine did.

So, if I look like him, and you look like the other fella, what happened to

them?

Well, he's still breathing.

Oh, near as I can figure it.

As long as we've got their bodies, they're dead to the world.

And when he wakes up, what happens to me?

Oh.

I hadn't thought of that.

You didn't? No.

What did you do with the other fella?

Oh, I put him in one of these boxes. I couldn't very well have two of me

wandering around the same house now, could I?

Smart move, Sean.

Too bad you weren't that bright when we were running together.

So I'll guess what we'll do is we bury them both as soon as the sun comes up.

Perfect.

There's others.

They went out, but I reckon they'll be back soon.

How many?

Two ladies and a girl got up like a fruit fly.

You won't believe this.

One of the ladies is black, and the other one says she's a doctor.

Oh, maybe you had more to drink than I thought.

I didn't, I swear.

What did they say they called you?

Milo from Minnesota, which I think is in Czechoslovakia.

It's Derek and me. We go back the way they say.

Now, what do you suppose they'd do if they found out that he's not him, but

really me, and you're not you, but someone other than you're supposed to

Wow.

Well, I don't think they'd be too happy about it, for starters.

No.

Well, there's one thing to say about this fellow Derek.

He's got money to burn. Yeah.

That's what I'm thinking right from the get -go. As soon as I came to and looked

around, I knew I'd landed in a manor house for sure.

Yeah. A manor house right for picking.

Oh.

Look.

They even got lightning in a bottle.

Oh.

Why do you suppose they have all this junk laying about?

Oh.

I can't imagine.

But a house like this is bound to have hard cash hidden somewhere.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, they may have money, but their taste in food is disgusting.

Well, get your stomach. Let's get the cold.

Anything yet?

Nothing, nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen, may we have a warm round of applause for the star of

tonight's show, Miss Cameron Harding.

She killed him.

She did.

I tripped and fell into the web. I messed up.

No, you didn't, honey.

You improvised, that's all. You added your own special something to the

Up the wooden hill. Brush your teeth, I'll come up and cut the end.

I'm sure you did a fine job, Catherine.

Did your mother proud.

So, how far did you boys get, starting through the boxes?

Not very far.

Well, I guess the King Fortune will have to wait one more day.

Maybe you'd like to join us for a drink?

Very funny. Maybe not.

What about you, miss?

Miss? Oh, Lord.

You've had had too much to drink. I'll see you in the morning, okay?

As you wish.

As you wish.

Good night to both of you.

Let me, as you can tell, am I married to either of them?

I don't think so.

That's a relief.

You know they haven't had a drink in years.

A little alcohol can turn men to boys.

I'd say it's a little more than a little.

Well, they aren't doing anything, huh? Not nearly as much as they're going to

feel in the morning. God bless them. Anyway, thank you for coming. Men want

catch. Are you kidding? Wouldn't have missed it. Sleep tight. Yeah, you too.

Apples.

You know, the last time I had an apple... Shut up and keep looking.

Must have been the fall of 1794.

Funny.

I've forgotten how good they tasted.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Maybe there is no gold.

Don't be stupid.

You remember the rich doctor's house we robbed in Mayo?

You mean the one with the secret panel behind the bookcase? You think maybe

there's one like that around here?

Let's try upstairs.

That's all the rooms in this home. It's still not a shilling.

But that's not all. It's not?

You know, Sean, something isn't right here.

What?

A grand house like this.

You'd expect they'd have horses. Fine horses, too.

I suppose they would.

So what's missing?

Exactly.

Well, maybe there are no horses in heaven.

Oh, I'm not thinking heaven anymore, Sean.

Nor hell.

In here somewhere, I can just feel it. Oh, look at all these books.

I'm not leaving without something for our troubles.

What's the rush? Why don't we just take it easy?

Surely you must be joking. What about the women and the girl?

You think they won't be on to us by morning?

Oh, I suppose you're right.

Of course I'm right.

Help me find the secret panel.

Sean, look here.

What do you make of this?

I don't know.

Unless we're dead.

I mean, you couldn't do that if he was alive, could you?

Well, I may be dreaming, but I'm not dead.

Jimmy?

Sean, come here. It's easy. Just try it.

You're joking.

No, I'm not.

You won't believe what's in here.

Jimmy? Jimmy!

Jimmy! Can you hear me? What the hell?

Will you look at this?

Jimmy! Come in here.

What? Come on, Jimmy. Stop fooling about.

Sean? Mommy?

Wake up.

Oh, Kat.

Oh, honey, you scared me.

Good. That makes two of us.

Wow, what's happening?

It's Derek.

What about Derek?

There's two of him.

Huh? What the hell?

Stop fooling about now. What's happened to you?

What? It's too small.

Jimmy. Sean.

How'd you get in there?

All right, don't worry, Jimmy. I'm coming.

Kevin, Jimmy.

Two derricks.

That's impossible.

No, it's not.

I saw them both at the same time.

There's something really weird going on tonight.

You mean as opposed to any other night?

Okay, I'll take a look.

I'll go get Alex.

Captain. Wait a minute.

Talk to me.

Did you hear me?

Yeah, right.

It's me.

You should have hit the wall like that. You could have hurt yourself.

It's all right.

Sean, you should have seen it in there.

Pictures of you on the walls that move.

You're lying.

The hell I am. I saw you big as life.

Or almost, anyway.

Good Lord, look at that.

Oh, look at the

date.

1998. We're in the future, boy.

Way in the future.

Lord Almighty.

We've been born again.

I think I'm beginning to like being this fella, Derek.

Maybe we're making a mistake.

What kind of mistake?

Maybe we shouldn't grab the gold.

You mean we should grab the gold and stay?

Why not?

This is my house.

You are my friend.

We'd live like kings. We'd know the difference.

The two ladies and the girl? Remember you said yourself they'd be wise to us

the morning? Next thing we know, they'll be calling the law?

Well, the answer is simple.

Rachel. Oh, good.

Did she tell you?

About what you did? Yeah.

That one wasn't bad enough.

Why won't you guys believe me?

Oh, I believe you. Okay.

Exactly where did you see him?

There.

Downstairs. One of them was in a box.

A box?

What kind of box?

One of the ones they shipped all that stuff in. You mean the packing crate?

Would you care to tell me exactly why you were downstairs looking in packing

crates instead of upstairs in your bed going to sleep?

Promise you won't get mad.

Yeah, if you don't like the truth.

I was looking for this.

I'm sorry, Alex.

I don't want to see it again.

That's okay.

Why don't we put it back, all right?

And you can tell me exactly where you saw the two derricks.

We'll set this outside.

Where's yours?

So many damn boxes. It's in there somewhere.

It was right here.

Do you remember which crate it's in?

It was right by the door.

It's gone.

Are you sure?

Now try to remember exactly what you did. You had the angel, right?

Mm -hmm.

No wonder it's chilly in here.

The door's open. I can't believe Derek went to bed and left the door open.

Oh, no.

Can we be of assistance?

Mom. The angel broke it.

Oh, that's okay. I'd say Derek scared you, huh?

I'd say Derek scared all of us.

Where were you?

We were working late. Late. Very late. Lots to do.

What brought you back down here? I thought you were going to bed.

Kat thought she saw two of you.

Two of me?

Really? Where?

In a box.

It's gone.

Oh, that's a relief.

I hate to see more than one of me running around.

Yeah, well, I think it's just a case of overactive imagination.

It's time for bed, Kat.

What about the angel?

Well, let's have a look.

It is cracked.

I can't really tell how bad it is. I tell you what, why don't we take it

upstairs? Put it through the scanner and see what we have, okay?

Can we?

Well, it's late, but... Please, Mom.

Okay, and then straight to bed. Thanks, Mom.

You won't be long.

And talking about bed, I mean, don't you think it's time you boys called it a

night? It's after midnight.

We were just saying the same thing.

We'll lock up.

And we'll see you in the morning.

Good night.

Oh, the whiskey jug.

Actually, it's where your angel came from in the first place.

See? Watch.

It's in right there.

I can't believe Derek brought this up here.

What's this weird writing set?

It's Gaelic.

Want to find out what it means?

Okay. Okay.

Put it here.

Now we just have to punch in the code.

The spirits that still care within are souls of two troublesome kin. If they

escape, they'll make troubles in twos and in doubles.

Till an angel's kiss puts them back in.

What a funny poem.

It's a limerick.

What's it mean?

I don't know, unless it has something to do with the Keene Manor.

Here we go.

Keene Manor.

Built by Haney Keene's famously eccentric grandmother, Margaret Keene,

Little left low and up alone.

A white witch of Ulster?

That's what they called her.

Witch is an angel.

This gets weirder and weirder.

Two spirits who make trouble.

And an angel's kiss.

Can we take a look at the angel?

Of course. I'm sorry.

That's what we came up here for, wasn't it?

All right. Put it on the scanner. I'll bring it up here.

Okay. Well, it doesn't look too damaged.

Looks like it's hollow.

Hollow?

Yeah, I'm not crazy.

I think it's filled with some sort of a liquid.

Liquid?

Is it?

Well, Derek, how much of this whiskey have you had to drink?

Not much.

Just a taste.

Well, listen, I'd stay away from it because... I think it's not safe.

What makes you think that?

Well, there's a warning on the jug, but don't worry. I think the angel here

holds the cure.

Sorry, you've got it wrong.

The real danger, it's what's inside the angel.

That's what old witchy Margaret Keene used to trick us, so... End it over now,

you sweet little girl.

So, you locked the woman in the closet.

The little one got away.

But no matter.

When we find the gold, we kill them all and no one will be the wiser.

But if the girl had the cure, she could be trouble.

Well, she's ten years old. How much trouble could she be?

Besides, having the cure doesn't mean she knows how to use it.

So, where do we look now?

Wait a minute.

It's been right under our noses all along.

The boxers.

She said something about a fortune, remember?

Mother always said you had the brain, Jimmy.

Did she? Yeah.

Rachel!

Help!

Alex? Is that you?

Kat? Kat, listen. Open the door, honey.

It won't open. They locked it and took the key.

Hey, Cat, listen to me very carefully. I want you to do exactly as I say.

Yes, Slappy Angel.

Yes.

I want you to go downstairs to the broom closet, but be very careful.

Jimmy, it seems like we're having much luck.

There's only one way to do it.

Kill them now.

We get down to business and we force them to tell us where it is. And then we

kill them. Right.

Sorry, little angel.

Where'd she go?

Not that far.

There are two ways we can do this.

The easy way or the hard way.

Either way, you're coming with me.

The end of the line, ladies.

I love a spirited fight.

But this one's about over.

Don't count on it.

Why is that, little hooligan?

Bet you can't come up here and say that.

You're on.

Wait, Sean, it's a trick. She had the angel. The what?

Well, it's what put us in the jock in the first place.

Here, Mom.

And then, what did we do?

You made a complete mess.

Cream and sugar?

With aspirin, please.

Phil can't believe they did all that.

Well, one thing's for sure.

The Keen collection will never be the same.

Neither will I.

So where are Kat and Rachel?

Repairing the Angel. After what happened, I told her she could keep it.

Yeah. You say the least.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real from what's fake because they both look

so alike.

But you just have to dig a little deeper because it's what's inside that really

counts. It's like my mom says, we should listen to our hearts.

And once we know what's really true, never be afraid to do the right thing.