Original subtitles

This is New York, one of the biggest cities in New York State.

It's right here on one of the streets called Broadway.

that we rehearse the Bill Silver Show.

In fact, those are the rooms we rehearse in.

Just before we start rehearsing, we usually have lunch in a restaurant

right in the building.

It's convenient.

The owner appreciates any help he can get.

It's called, uh, Lindy's.

The size usually comes down about this time. Hi, anybody in there? The usual,

gang. Hello, Mr. Heller. How are you?

You'll have to excuse him. He thinks he had a good show last night. Wants to go

in and take some bows.

Watch how he plays it coy.

Oh, brother.

Oh, excuse me.

Do you know who that was?

Sid Caesar.

Yeah.

Hey,

how'd the show go last night? Hat checker. I thought it was funny.

The hatchet girl, she's no criterion.

She laughs at weather reports.

Cashier was crazy about it. And the captain gave us a good table.

The captain? That's a good sign. Here comes Yeager, the waiter.

This is the answer test.

What'll it be?

Hiya, Mr. Yeager.

What are you going to eat?

Did you like the show last night? The meatballs are very good today.

You didn't see the show last night, huh? I saw it.

Well, did you like it?

You want an honest opinion?

Yes. This will have no bearing on the tip? None whatsoever. Did you like the

show?

Eh. What's eh?

Eh.

You didn't like it. Look, you did it. You got paid.

Don't ask questions. Take the money and run.

Don't you think it was a cute idea having Ed Sullivan on the show?

Oh, Ed Sullivan. Him I like. Oh, Ed Sullivan you like.

He's funny.

Ed Sullivan is funny.

Let's face it, he's a very funny man.

Ed Sullivan is a very funny man.

What are you bothering with? I've got to find out about you. You actually think

that Ed Sullivan is... No, no, I've got to work this out. You think... Hi, Ed.

Sit down.

Thanks. Hello, Mr. Sullivan.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

That's funny. Maybe it's the way he says it.

What's biting him?

He thinks you were very funny in the show last night. Thank you very much. I

thought you were very funny, too.

You're just saying that to make me feel good. No kidding. You know that scene

where you're auditioning for our old army show? Yes.

Actually hysterical. Really? Kill me. You like that scene? You like that

That scene wasn't in the show. It was cut out.

The show ran too long and I had to get something out.

Why didn't they cut one of my scenes?

Look, the cutting is in the hands of the head cutter. When it involves cutting a

scene that means Sullivan or Silvers, a chance have I got.

The cutter's name is O 'Brien.

Wait a minute. He did something funny that was cut out? What do you mean?

Well, look, if you saw the show, you remember that short scene where Bilko

to audition for the all -army show?

And then the special service officer comes to Fort Baxter?

He's playing somewhere.

Somewhere, hearts are like.

Somewhere, men are laughing.

And somewhere, children shout.

But there'll be no joy in Mudville.

Mighty Casey.

Has struck out.

Thank you.

Any more? Yes, sir. One more, sir. Sergeant Ernest Belko, baritone.

Another baritone.

Bring him on.

Send in Sergeant Belko.

The office will notify you if we can use you.

Sarge, do you think you made it? Made it? You saw what happened. I sang one

note. He said, thank you.

Why are we standing here? Why aren't we getting packed for New York? My throat.

I must have... Do you

remember that scene?

Yeah, that I saw. Yeah, well, before I was cut, it went like this.

Somewhere, men are laughing.

And somewhere, children shout.

But there is no joy in Mudville.

Mighty Casey has struck out.

Thank you. Any more? One more, sir.

Sergeant Ernest Bilko, baritone. Another baritone. Bring him on.

Sergeant Bilko!

Christine Lara.

Granada! Thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

What hotel will I be staying at in New York? Hotel? I do hope it's near the

Sullivan Studio. That raw New York weather, my throat, you can understand.

Your throat? Thank you, sir, incidentally, for recognizing me

not having me go through my entire repertoire.

Sergeant... Normally, I don't audition, but it's been so many years since I gave

up the concert stage for Army Life, I...

I didn't think I'd be remembered.

Remembered? That's up, Captain. Where was it you first saw me? Was it that

little thing I did at the Philharmonic?

Or was it the farewell appearance at the Met? Oh, I had a night to remember the

screaming, the wept, the few flowers upon the stage. My fans pulled me

the streets of New York City in a handsome cab. You were pulled through

streets of New York City in a handsome cab?

Right to my draft bar.

Well, I never thought I'd return to the concert stage, but then this Sullivan

thing came up and my fans started clamoring. Only this morning I got a

Jan. Jan? Jan Pierce.

A tenor for a lovely man. He called me on the phone. He said, Amy, you must go

home, Mr. Sullivan. No, still now we've been deprived of your golden voice.

I said, Jan, please, that's all behind me. But he kept insisting, Amy, sing to

the barber. Do not fall for Del Vecino.

Sergeant. Sir?

I'm impressed by your musical background, but I don't believe Mr.

planning on using a classical baritone. Believe me, sir, exactly what I told

Jan. I said, Jan, that's all behind me.

And then this phone call came through from Nashville.

Nashville. Elvis called. He says, Ernie, you old hound dog. Put on those blue

suede shoes and rock and roll down to Little Old Ed's studio.

He's so grateful.

You know, Elvis was nothing until he came to me. I told him, I said, Elvis,

don't stand there like a stick.

Move when you sing. You know, give up and listen.

Well, the rest is history, sir.

This hotel I'll be staying at, it does have banquet facilities, sir. Let me be

frank. I understand, sir. Too much music.

Am I right?

Every soldier thinks he can sing. That's why Luella called me this morning and

begged me to do my imitations.

Imitations? Oh, just a little facet of my many talents. May I do one for you,

please? And here he comes, the idol of all France and America, Maurice

Chevalier.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm not going to see you tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

I'm going to sing you right now.

This hotel, it's near a delicatessen.

Sergeant... Dance! Dance! Spread a step. Plead it on the floor. It's as early as

you have wings on your feet, of course. Wait!

Take a card, sir.

Any card, don't let me see it. Sergeant, the Sullivan office will notify you if

we can use you.

If you can... That's a good one. Just tell Ed that Mr. Wonderful is on his

He'll understand.

Oh, better yet, say nothing, sir. We'll surprise him.

What do you think?

Isn't that thing here looking for talent? And he found it.

And why are we standing here idly? Why aren't you packing me for New York?

And all that wound up in the cutting room floor?

Well, I guess they got a cut somewhere.

Remember that whole scene about the Army -Navy football game that was cut out?

What was the football scene? Look, I'm hungry.

First you get me interested, and now you're chasing me. Never mind. Look,

it'll only take a minute.

All right, tell him. You see, Sergeants Grover and Ritzick had cooked up this

scheme to beat Bilko on a bet. It was in the company bidet room, and all the

guys were gathered around this radio station.

In a few moments, the teams will be on the field for another Army -Navy

classic, brought to you from Franklin Field in Philadelphia, and broadcast to

our armed forces all over the world.

With Army's great All -American Bronco Brunzinski at his peak, experts predict

an Army victory by at least five touchdowns. What's the idea?

What about the game? Quiet, quiet. Did you get it? Yeah. But I had to get the

guy down to Kelly's Printing Shop an extra $2 to get it done on time.

Well, what's $2 compared to the money I'm going to win for Bilko getting him

bet on Navy? You're going to get Bilko to bet on Navy with Bronco Brunzinski

playing for Army?

That's right. Only he won't know it. Not after he sees this.

Bronco hurt Navy favorite. Boy, is that a phony headline. Yeah, a phony

headline. You expect Bilko to fall for a phony headline like that? He knows

Bronsiski ain't hurt. He's in his room listening to his radio.

What radio? I took the tubes out of his set.

Don't throw yourself.

Ooh, if he finds out. This is my first chance to beat Bilko on a set. Here he

comes. Oh, right. Here. You know what to do with this. Right.

Hello, Miguel. Well, well, how are you, man? Hi, Eddie.

Come on, come on, the game, the game.

Grover, fix the radio.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I'll work on it. Fix the radio. Don't tell me that's on the

bling, too.

Must be an electronic epidemic.

My set isn't working, either. I wonder what's wrong with it. You'll have it

fixed in a minute.

What's with the Grover boys here? What, are they cracking up or something?

Well, uh, 50 cents a ball, then?

That's the trouble with the police, Tom. No action.

Talking about action, how about our annual bet on the game?

I'm listening.

Well, see that you beat us, you bet Navy last year, and you won.

Yeah, we figured maybe you want to bet Navy this year again.

You know, I hear voices, but nobody's here.

Navy's got a terrific team. Yeah, the only reason we want to bet on Army is on

count of sentiment.

Oh, isn't that right? Gets you right in here, don't it?

Hey, you're kidding with Bronzinski playing, even the admirals will be

on the Army. What am I, a philanthropist? Look alive.

Afternoon paper.

I'll take that.

All righty. What? Give us first track of the paper. Rupert. Rupert, please.

Keep your place.

Come on, Rupert. Let's do it again.

you, the Army's been your home for 18 years, and here I am denying you the

chance to bet.

My conscience has bothered me.

You mean you want to bet on Navy?

Again, my foolish heart betrays me.

Okay, $20. Put it up, Bill Colt. Put it up?

You don't think I carry that kind of money around with me? I'll go to my cash

box and get it.

Why do I do these things?

Tell his printing shop he's doing sloppy work every day. Remind me not to take

my phony headline business to them anymore.

You know what to do. Right, Sarge.

Don't go away, fellas. I'll be right back.

He fell for it.

I can't wait to laugh at his face when he sees it. If you give us a way. No,

no. I won't. Come on. Let's see if the game has started.

The Navy team is coming out of the field.

They look determined, even though it's Bronco Bronzinski against them.

Their cause is a hopeless one. Their cause is a hopeless one. He means

cause is a hopeless one.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special sports bulletin direct from

the Army locker room.

Bronco Bronzinski, Army's great All -American, slipped and fell getting off

bus and has been rushed to the hospital with two broken legs.

I knew it. And you guys got Bilko to bet on Navy.

You've got to call off the bet.

Wait, wait, I'll think. Think, think.

I'll get an idea.

Wait, I'll think of something. All right,

baby. Here's your $20.

Eddie, I can't go through with it.

You can't? Why not? Well, let's face it. If I pulled a dirty trick like this on

you, I'd never know another night to sleep.

Well, you see this paper here? See, I had to print it up myself.

See? It's a phony.

And the income?

Really, Ritzig. I don't know what I'm saying.

But you would do this to me?

Fellow master sergeant. Please, don't say it. I know.

I'm a cat.

But I'll make it up to you.

I'll take Navy.

Oh, no, no. I was foolish enough to fall into your trap. I got to pay the

consequences. No, I must suffer.

I'll take, I'll bet Navy.

Well, I can't. I feel like a vulture betting on, I mean, with Bronsinski

it.

He is playing.

Oh, last time I heard he was.

Please, here, take our money.

All right, if you want to make it to $20, it's a bet. It's a bet. You heard

It's a bet. Hey, the radio is working.

Let's bring it over here where Riley can hear it. Turn it on.

It's another touchdown. Another one. In the first five minutes of play,

Bronsinski of Army has made three touchdowns.

Bronsinski here, play it.

Bronsinski's in a hospital with two broken legs.

Oh, really? Well, we must send him a get -well card.

We heard it with our own ears. Yeah, it was just announced over this radio.

Ritzig's right. I just announced it. See? He said so himself.

What's going on here?

What's this extra wire?

Well, that's the way it happened, folks. From our vantage point here in the

booth, I saw Bronsinski step off the bus and break both his legs.

Of course, that's just one man's opinion.

Why, Corporal Henshaw, you little old imp, what are you up to?

Well, that's it for today, everybody.

Remember, your host for today's game was Sergeant E. Bilko. How about that?

There's a little detail missing here. Money?

Money? Yeah. And here's your little adventurous story.

Sub -day, Bilko.

Sub -day, Bilko.

And was Henshaw pretending he was the announcer all the time?

You like that, huh?

You can't be my fool and stop standing there.

You want the meatballs?

I told you, I want cheesecake and coffee. I'm telling you, the

honey! Oh, hello there. You know Ed Sullivan and Hope Sonsbury? Hope

wife on our show. Sit down, dear. Thank you. You know what we're talking about,

honey? We're talking about some of the scenes that have been cut out of our

shows. Oh, don't remind me of that. If I could get hold of that cutter, I

would...

What's wrong, honey? I remember a scene in the show that I was in. Oh, yeah? And

when I saw it on the air, the whole scene was cut out while I could just...

Hope, Hope, you're getting yourself all upset. These things happen. They have to

cut a scene, so they cut your scene. It's your scene I'm talking about. What

scene was that?

The one where Bilko gets his letter from the chorus girl in New York.

Oh, yeah, I remember. Bilko was waiting for the ten -day furlough to go to New

York. You really made a connection, huh, Sarge? I made a connection.

Boys, when I arrive in New York next Saturday for my ten -day furlough,

for me will be the most delectable hunk of fluffy femininity. You mean a girl?

No, like a Spaniard.

Listen, boys, it's waiting for me, and it is mellow.

I got to see it to believe it. Really? All right. Under my pillow, there's a

picture. Handle it gently and bring it in here. Right, sir.

Ow!

Boy, just think, ten days in New York, not taking any military orders, sleeping

until noon, reveling the night away.

That's what you do here.

Here I haven't got the most gorgeous doll in the Latin Quarter, of course.

A Satan enchanting Miss Seymour Lamour.

Seymour? What's she like?

Is that answer your question?

Is this the one? Is this her? Steady, steady. Enjoy your drooling all over the

picture.

Sarge, don't those girls ever catch cold? One good look, Sarge. Come on,

on. Let them along. I love to hear their blood pounding.

This is what I've been fighting for.

Seymour. What kind of a name is that? I got an uncle named Seymour.

Does this look like your uncle?

It should happen to my aunt.

I don't believe it.

Don't you indeed?

No, I don't believe you got a date with this girl. Yes, Sarge, she's too rich

for your blood. Look, Sarge, we know you're an operator, but there's an

operation beyond you.

A sucker throws his music to an operator's ears.

Would you believe it if you saw a letter?

You got a letter?

I just casually mentioned to her I'll be in New York, and the poor girl hasn't

stopped panting yet.

Did you get a letter?

Did I get a letter?

Did I get a letter?

Let me see it. Yeah. All righty.

Here it is. Here, here. Stand back.

It may burst into flames.

All of us perfume companies get away with murder.

They show us no mercy. Come on, read it.

Simmer down, gentlemen, please.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. Not in front of Doberman.

Read it.

Doberman has said the things we've been keeping from him. Now, I don't want to

run to the infirmary for smelling salts. Come on, George, read it. Come on,

please.

Okay, it stops.

Sergeant Ernest Bilko, Fort Baxter, Roseville, Kent.

All right, here it comes. All right, boys.

Get the floor with your toes.

Yeah, yeah.

You ready?

Here it is.

Dear fan.

Dear fan? This girl's pen? Dear fan?

Look, jerk, you expect her to use her pet names for me? This has got to go

through the mail.

I'd like you to remember that she's a two -time loser already.

Come on, Watson.

All right. Rocco, please.

Received yours of the 24th. What was yours of the 24th?

There are certain things that are personal between us, but I might remind

let your imagination run rampant a bit.

You're so right. What else does she say? Latin.

Latin. When you are in New York,

be sure to come to the Latin Quarter where... Come on, Sarge.

Sarge, Sarge. Be sure to come to the Latin Quarter where... Where?

Be sure to come to the Latin Quarter where... You will see more... Of

Look how she signs it.

Yours truly,

Seymour.

Not Miss Lamour.

Just Seymour. Is that a... Yours truly?

I get how to letters from my insurance man.

Just for that, you can't get to smell the letters.

All right? All right.

Here's a message from the colonel. From the colonel.

Read it, sugar. It may be good for some laughs.

You are requested to be at my quarters.

At 8 .30 tonight for an emergency meeting regarding post morale.

I just got time to make it. Oh, the poor colonel can't run the post without me.

I need a messenger of honor.

And, John, take this.

Sterilize your hand.

Put it under my pillow.

Under your pillow?

Face up.

Yeah. Yeah.

Eat your heart out.

Eat your heart out.

I can't understand why they cut up clinics like that, honestly. Just tell

more. Hey, look, will you just get me the cheesecake and coffee?

Do you want to take a chance on the meatball? No, just the cheesecake and

coffee. How about you, Mr. Sullivan?

Nothing. Nothing?

He's hysterical at him. He says nothing. Don't get upset, Phil. You've either

got it or you haven't. I'll tell you tomorrow.

Oh, I talk about them. They're cut. They're out of the show. No, no. You

understand. This would make a great idea for my column.

Oh, it's an idea for Ed's column. Can you think of any more? I got one, Phil.

What? I remember the time you were so desperate for money and you auctioned

all your worldly goods.

Oh, yeah. And it was cut right after you sold the TV set to Fendi. Oh, yeah. It

was an auction. I remember.

That's it.

$1 .60. This early American television set sold to this gentleman for $1 .60.

All righty. We keep going.

What's next? This French book.

No.

Phil, what's the matter with you? All right, gentlemen.

I have this rare memento. Wait a minute. What about the book?

Oh, I just meant that's not for sale. Now, you'll find this memento... Wait a

minute. This poster you put up says the entire estate of Sergeant Ernest Belko.

Yeah, you've got to sell it. There are certain things that are not for sale.

You'll love this memento. It has a history to it.

Boys,

just a minute.

There are certain intimate things I can part with.

Asking me to sell this is like giving my right arm away. Look at this. He's got

to sell it.

All right.

You had to get me.

Close the door.

Now, boys.

I... No, I can't. I can't sell the only memento I have of my days in Paris spent

during the war. I can't sell it, boys. I just can't. What is it? Yeah, what's in

it? Nothing, just what it says.

Pictures of the Eiffel Tower.

Come on, you've got to sell the book. Come on, you've got to sell the book.

I can't, boys. I'll get in trouble. I just can't. Look at this thing. This

will go for auction in some of the highest places for the most... He's got

sell the book.

He's got to sell the book.

You've got to be into this. Now, look, boys. Let's be simple.

What do you want with pictures of the... of the Eiffel Tower? What would you

want? Oh, sure. Pictures of the Eiffel Tower.

Come on, you've got to sell the book. Come on.

All right.

You've got me.

All right, gentlemen.

What am I offered?

For this privately printed edition of Pictures of the Eiffel Tower.

One dollar. Four dollars. Three dollars. Four dollars. Come on, I'm the highest.

Four dollars?

Yes. Gentlemen, at least show some respect for the publisher.

He's still in jail. He's still in jail. I have six dollars. Twenty dollars.

Twenty dollars.

Twenty dollars? Yes. Anything better? Twenty dollars one?

Twenty dollars twice?

Sold to that gentleman for twenty dollars. Give him the book and get the

Here.

Let's see.

Hey,

stop. What do you see?

I knew it.

Rupert, what do you see?

Pictures. Pictures of what?

Just what he said.

The Eiffel Tower.

Now that I've established my honesty, let's not beat around the bush anymore.

This was Hitler's helmet.

What am I off it? Ten cents.

I'll say I did.

That Eiffel Tower refracted me. Ed, watch yourself. People will see you

laughing. It'll ruin your reputation.

But no kidding, Phil.

You know, if you took a lot of these scenes or cut out, put them on your

the public would eat it up. Come on, Ed. You know as well as I do, the head of

the network would never stand for it. Hey, Sarge, they're waiting for you

upstairs for rehearsals. Oh, come on, Ed. The boys would like to see you. All

right. Back to the salt mine.

Hey!

Also seen in tonight's show were Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, Hope Sandsbury as the Colonel's wife, Sammy Smith as the

waiter, Charles Cooper as the special services officer, and Ed Sullivan.