Original subtitles

Hold it a minute.

You got a loose sprocket there. Tighten it and check your ignition.

We got the trucks finished, Sarge. All right, wait, wait. Run those battery

tests. Move it. Right.

Everything okay, sir?

Bilko, this is wonderful. You're right up to date on all your assignments.

Oh, yes, sir. We wouldn't want any unfinished work to hold back the

vacation.

Oh,

I forgot you're new around here. Yes, sir. Every year on this day, the colonel

goes away to a little lake in northern Wisconsin for 15 days of fishing.

15 days without the colonel. It's going to be tough.

You miss him?

Take the sun out of a summer's day. Take the heart out of a body. And that's

what we are, without our beloved leader. I understand.

Oh, yes.

Sir, the first five days, they pass uneventfully. I mean, we work hard. We

pretend he's not gone. I see. The second five days gets a little tougher, sir,

because little memories start to creep in. His lilting laugh.

The boy's dimples flash when he smiles.

Some of the weaker men crack up, sir.

The last five days.

Sheer tragic, sir. Of course, around sundown, the men start wandering out to

front gate, looking up the road, hopefully, hopefully wishing that he'd

vacation short and come back to us.

If there's anything at all I can do... Oh, no, thank you, sir. The other

officers understand what we're going through, and they leave us alone to bury

our grief and hard work.

Sergeant, the Colonel's car is ready for his trip.

My Colonel is going away.

Sergeant! My Colonel is going away!

Hang in there, Bruce.

My colonel is coming.

He's gone.

All right. Work, work, work.

The minute the colonel leaves, I'll have those posters up announcing all the

dancers. You got that? Order the same orchestra. You'll get out all the

paraphernalia, the roulette wheels, everything we need. The minute the

drives out of this gate, the social season starts. And the costumes for the

Mardi Gras. Good, good, good. Move it. Look, Sarge.

The Mardi's done by tomorrow.

All right.

We'll work it out. Give me your schedule on social season. Right, Sarge. The

colonel leaves at 9 .30 tonight.

At 9 .32, a rocket is fired, which formally announces the beginning of the

marathon poker game in the gun shed.

Excuse me.

How many times... What are you doing with the shoulders?

I want Ivy League.

Ivy League. Don't give me the broad shoulders.

At 9 .45, Farmer Brown arrives, and it's all aboard for the officer's hayride.

And they should be out of sight by 9 .47. At 9 .50, a combination brunch and

bingo party in the officer's dining room. Chuck, I'm... Do you mind?

I want sweet dashes at Ivy League. Yes, but with dash, I gotta look elegant when

I cut the ribbon in front of the colonel's house officially opening the

Luciana Memorial Gambling Company.

On Wednesday, we start the Colonel for a Day contest. Colonel for a Day contest.

Very important. Increase the prices. I want that to move.

Excuse me. What's your name? This is Ruffalo.

These are Ruffalo. Sarge, I don't know... I told you I want this to be

want it to speak out. It must say, cha -cha -cha, cha -cha -cha. You're

forgetting that I need the conga line into the guardhouse which officially

the floating crab game? Oh, yes. Use your imagination.

Go ahead. Every afternoon at two, there's the cockfight in the Colonel's

Got the chickens? Yeah.

I hope this year you got roosters.

Last year, instead of partying, they just sat around and laid eggs. What?

me, hold a minute.

Pardon me, artist.

I hate to infringe upon your integrity, but may I ask, what is this supposed to

be? It's your costume for the coming of your favorite movie star, Dennis.

Favorite movie star? Yes. Which movie star am I supposed to be, please? You,

brother.

You must be kidding.

There's the one movie star I bear no resemblance to you pick out. Use your

imagination. Pick out somebody I look like. All right.

I'll put you in a T -shirt and a leather jacket. The minute you walk by, they'll

say, Marlon Brando.

Bless you.

I'll get that.

Hello, motor pool, Sergeant Bilko.

Yes, Colonel Hall.

Yes, sir. Eight o 'clock.

I'll have it there sharp at eight o 'clock, sir. Thank you, sir.

He's leaving tonight at eight o 'clock. He's leaving.

Like he does every year. He gets a head start. He'll spend the first night with

his brother in Topeka. But tomorrow morning, it stops. We've got to work all

night, because tomorrow morning, this is no more a camp.

This is fun land.

Fun, fun, fun.

the car.

Did you call the movie house?

I don't want to miss the beginning of the feature picture.

Oh, we have plenty of time. Do you realize that for the past ten years at

time, we were on our way to Lake Mini -Woo -Woo?

Well, we're doing the right thing this time, taking our vacation in the winter

instead of now.

You'll love Florida, and I'll give a chance for a little golf.

Come in.

Get along, sir. Mrs. Hall, the car is outside, all gassed up and ready to go,

sir. Well, thank you. That'll be all.

Is there anything we can do to help, sir? Help? Why, no, thank you.

Sir, I'd just like to say before you go that...

Every minute that you'll be away, sir, will weigh like a stone in the hearts of

the men who love you, sir.

What? With you gone, we'll be like a ship without a rudder, sir.

Wilco, we won't be gone that long.

Oh, sir, don't hurry it up for one minute on our account. Think of

sir.

Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye. Please, don't make it any harder.

Goodbye, little mother.

Take good care of him. Take good care of him?

Wilco, we'll only be gone for a minute. My Colonel is going away.

What's wrong with him? Nothing, sir. We'll take care of it.

The colonel is going away.

Really? The police said just go. Let it that way. Come on, now. The colonel is

going away.

Scott. This is it.

Hello, Edna.

Colonel's gone. Read the words. Festival starts first thing in the morning.

Oh.

Contact the post bugler. Tomorrow morning instead of... I wanted to

The candle's gone!

Rock! The candle's gone!

Rock! We're going to rock for all eternity!

Rock! Rock!

Rock!

No, no, Wang Li, you've got that wrong. It's 300 egg rolls and 200 eggs too

young. Yes, and look, Wang, I'm taking your word, but you know how to make

pizzas. Okay, get them here. Early now!

All right, who's taking the cha -cha lesson? I am. How about you, Billy?

got tickets for the Mr. America contest in the gym. Look, take the lessons

today. You'll see the muscles tomorrow.

It's not your bill, Goy. You sure the candle's out? Good heavens, Lieutenant,

you'll be late. For the hayline, all the officers are gathering in front of the

P .S. Have a... Wait!

Wait, is that the lieutenant's hat?

There it is, sir. Have a good time. It's on the back of the wagon. Well, cha

-cha time is the short ticket, yes. Music, hit, cut. Now, one, two, three,

It's in there.

What's going on here?

What's going on here? Is something going on here? I don't know, sir. Do you know

what's going on here? Something must be going on here. I don't know.

Quiet! Stop! Stop mumbling. Who's mumbling? What are you mumbling? I

mumbling. I wasn't mumbling. Quiet.

Quiet. Yes, sir. I want to know what's going on. What is going on?

Stop it before it starts again.

Now, what is all this?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I thought you knew. We're celebrating the Chinese New Year,

sir. Chinese New Year? We want them on our side so that at least we could...

Bill Cole, let the State Department take care of that. Yes, sir. Now, get back

to work. Yes, sir.

Celebration's over. Get back to work. Sarge, everything is all set. The

the cockfight. What happened?

I don't know what happened, but I'm going to find out.

And, oh, would you mind signing these morning reports, sir?

Sir, when we said goodbye to you last night, I... Something wrong with the

morning reports, sir?

This entitles me to four cha -cha -cha lessons, a cocktail dance, and four

of the turkey of the rivalry. Oh, that's a mistake, sir. This must come from

some careless, irresponsible camp.

Sounds awfully much like this one.

Good humor. Quiet.

Quiet.

What's on your mind?

Well, sir, last night we thought you left on your vacation, sir.

Oh, so that was the reason for all your goodbyes. Yes, sir. Well, my wife and I

decided to take our vacation in the winter.

In the winter? Sir, really, you think that's wise?

When we take our vacation, there's no problem of yours. Oh, sir, anything that

concerns your health is our problem, sir.

I didn't hear anything.

There's a hay wagon going toward the PX. Oh, probably making a delivery, sir.

Well, I don't like animals on the post. Yes, sir. I'll take care of it.

What is that?

What? What, sir? I heard a cock -a -doodle -doo. Did you? The colonel heard

cock -a -doodle -doo. Did you cock -a -doodle -doo? No, no. I didn't cock -a

-doodle -doo. Somebody must have cock -a -doodle -doo. You cock -a -doodle -doo,

sir. No, I didn't cock -a -doodle -doo. Maybe he cock -a -doodle -doo. I didn't

cock -a -doodle -doo. Maybe you cock -a -doodle -doo. I didn't.

Quiet!

Whatever is going on, I want it stopped.

Right away, sir. Immediately.

He cocked a little loose. I can tell.

Well,

Sarge, what are we going to do? Right.

Jeff's got to go on that vacation. Look, Sarge, we've got over $200 invested in

this operation.

Busloads of soldiers will be here any minute. Egg rolls are going to start

rolling in. No.

For God's sake. Now, look.

What are you doing? Come on. Think you're in it. Look, Sarge, wait a

Here's a list of summer activities for officers just came in. Hey, maybe we can

get them interested in something. All right, all right. Relax. What does it

Well, it says summer class starts Tuesday in Denver on the launching of

missiles. Flying missiles? Are you kidding?

This is Fort Baxter. If the Army are going to launch any missiles, this is

they're going to land them.

In Palm Springs, California, there's the annual officer's golf tournament.

Oh, golf. Fine. The colonel never shot under 200.

Golf. Golf.

That's it. Oh, now you're flipping. The colonel, the way he plays, that's in a

big golf tournament?

Yeah, and he's the only guy I've ever seen who hits the divot farther than the

ball.

Now, the only thing he's even remotely interested in... But he knows he's no

good. He wouldn't dare enter that tournament. Oh, yes, he will after

morning's round of golf, and he comes in...

Ten under par?

The Colonel, ten under par?

They even make it 11 under par, according to how Sam feels.

Sam? Sam Sneed, who happens to be playing in a tournament right now in

I'll call him.

Hello, fellas?

Oh, just one more question.

Did winning the Topeka Open Tournament here give you as much of a thrill as

winning the Masters?

Well, it's always fun to win. Excuse me, Mr. Sneed. There's a phone call for you

from Sergeant Ernie Belko.

Belko? I knew that rascal in the Army. Where is he?

It's from Fort Baxter. It's only about 25 miles from here.

Huh. Ernie Bilko. I wonder what that rascal's up to now.

Look, Sam, I wouldn't ask you to come down here and do this for us if we

desperate. Gee, Ernie, I gotta get back to my job at the Greenbrier Hotel.

But of course, if it's important... Important?

Sam, the happiness of 2 ,000 men depends upon you. Look, all I'm asking you to

do, tomorrow morning at 8 o 'clock, I want you to be on the first tee of the

Roseville golf course. Okay, pal.

I'll be there.

You will?

Sam. What am I going to tell you? I'll never forget you for this. He's coming.

Honey, this is crazy. It'll never work. Tell me what won't work. Sugar, you got

that golf club magnetized? We gave it the full charge.

And the ball? Here it is. Just finished it. What'd you do with it? Put a steel

ball in the middle. Now, let's see if it'll work.

One more time, with my eyes closed.

This is it.

Your job, Pap, really, is to see that that golf club is on every green before

the colonel gets to it. Right. Got it?

Sarge, are you sure the Colonel's going to play tomorrow morning? Are you

kidding? Would he give up his Saturday morning round of golf to get that

application out to the tournament?

Now, look.

Sam, it's easy. There's nothing to it. Bilko, this is the screwiest thing I

ever... Sam, will you let me worry about it? Did I ever steer you wrong? Just do

what I tell you. Here.

Here he comes out. Don't let me down, Sam. Okay, okay.

Oh, good morning.

Good morning.

Uh, shall we make it a twosome? I'm sorry, sir.

This is my first day of playing golf. I just locked up your game.

Thanks for telling us. It's quite all right, sir.

Good morning. Having a go at it, sir?

Yes. Good morning.

I thought I'd have a morning round of golf. Why don't we make it a twosome? I

have a caddy who'll carry for both of us.

Sarge, for 30 cents an hour? Don't be greedy, Goldman. Sit in the caddy chair

right over there. Virgo, I didn't know you played golf. Well, I'm more of a

student of it. I teach it. You see, I've helped many people. Perhaps I'll give

you a few hints, sir. Don't you utter a word when I'm on that team. I merely

mean to help. You heard me, not a word. All right, anything you say. Well, shall

we start, sir? Well, he's first. Oh, oh, is the man ahead of us?

delivery boy at Schultz's butcher shop. Oh, I know. I've seen him before.

Sir, I'd have to give him a few hints or he'll be here all day.

Give him hints, not me. All right.

You don't mind me interrupting you, do you?

No, not at all. Do you mind a few suggestions?

Oh, I'd love that. You seem to be in a little difficulty here. Oh, sure. Let me

see your grip, sir, the way you were there.

Well, that's gruesome.

What do you say, Hockey?

We get the left hand.

And the right hand together. That's it.

That's it. Right hand under.

Feet a little apart.

That's it. Stiff left hand.

Now take a whack at it, sir.

You mean hit the ball? Yes, go on.

I don't believe I can... Oh, yes, you will. You got a good bit there. Now go

right ahead, sir. Okay.

There we go.

That was 300 yards.

That's only 300 yards. You didn't keep a stiff left hand.

I've helped many people. If they don't listen, I can't help them. Try that

again, will you? So you almost had it that time.

Wasn't that better? I mean, didn't you feel better doing it?

I don't know how I did it, but... Well, try it again.

Just keep that left -hand step.

That all right? Yeah, that's fine.

Go ahead, Ed. Walk away.

That was almost on the green.

Sure, almost.

Almost isn't good enough. Some people, you just can't help. You see what I

He doesn't absorb what I tell him.

You know, I think I'll take this over to practice, T, and practice it. Go to the

practice, T. That's the place to learn.

You're doing very well, though. Good luck to you.

Uh, we got rid of him. Go ahead, sir. You're up. A butcher boy, huh?

You got it, sir?

Hold on!

Give it back.

Hey.

Ernie, who's called? Oh, sir. Something you want?

You know what I want.

You said nothing. Since when do you listen to what I say now?

Give me a few hints. Show me what I do wrong. All right. I'm sure I can help

you. Well, let's get away where this duffer tore up the whole woodwork here.

Let's get over here where we got a firm of footing, sir. Right. All right. The

first thing I'd like to see, Kendall, is your swing. Take a swing at the ball

and let me see it.

There it is. Go ahead, sir.

Beautiful. That's beautiful. I can't see anything wrong with that.

Try it again, sir. Let me see it.

Oh, I see it. You kept your eyes open.

Oh, try it again.

Now, spin back and shut your eyes. Go ahead, sir.

Shut your... Shut my eyes.

These are tiny.

Bill, though, Ben Hogan says keep your eyes on the ball. Oh, I've argued this

point with Ben many times. Of course, if you'd rather listen to Hogan. No, no,

no, no, no, no. Show me.

I've never made a drive over 70 yards in my life. Well, you'll do better than

that when I get through with you, sir. Now, remember, the eyes must be shut

tightly. That's your ball. Now, sir, when I say three, you swing the ball.

your eyes shut?

Yes. Nice and tight? Yes.

All right. Now, when I count three, sir, you swing the ball. Keep those eyes

shut tight. Now, one,

two, three.

Oh, about 300 yards. You're still 200 yards from the green. I must have told

something wrong.

300 yards?

I don't feel as if I even hit the ball.

That's the way you're supposed to feel when you do it right.

That's right. That's what Ben Hogan says.

Ben Hogan? Really? Oh, no.

Keep my eyes closed.

My eyes closed all the time. All right, let's go, sir. Oh, no, never mind your

clubs. Don't middle get those. Don't banana double. Hey!

You know, eyes closed.

That's right, sir. All right.

How can I get it in the cup when I can't see it? Just put it, sir. All right.

Here goes.

Oh, that went in good, all right. It went through that cup just as if it were

magnet. Yes.

What's the matter?

There. When you sink a pot, you didn't sink it.

Thanks. Well, should we go to the next hole, sir?

Yes. What was my score?

Oh, yes.

Score. I think you were two under par. That would be a three, yes. Two under

par. An eagle.

I got an eagle. You'll do better than that, sir. Believe me.

The next hole, I remember, that's a par four. He'll need a five iron.

A number five iron? Yes. Oh, and Ben Hogan says... Hold on, sir.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I do hope I've heard the last of Ben Hogan, sir. Yes,

course. Of course.

This way.

Go ahead, sir. Drop her in.

With the driver? Don't. Difficult to make as long as your eyes are closed,

Of course. Let her fly, sir.

Say for us about him, of course, now.

No kidding. Isn't the Green Committee going to do something about him? Yeah,

when he's through playing, the course looks like no man's land.

Good morning.

Morning. Morning, Colonel. How did you do, Colonel?

Oh, not bad.

Not bad at all.

Eleven under par.

And it's verified.

Birdie, eagle, hole in one.

Birdie, eagle.

Hey, Jack, how did you do it? Come on, look. a secret. No secret?

Everything just fell into place. Oh, come on, give. How about going around

us and showing us?

I'm sorry, I can't. I've got to pack. I'm going to Palm Springs, California.

I've entered the Army Officers Tournament. I can't believe you.

Say,

well, that's a brand new record for the court. By the way, with any of you

fellas like Ben Hogan's book on golf, I won't need it anymore.

I'll take it. Come on, Jack, at least give us a clue.

All right, all right.

Here's a picture of Ben Hogan swinging.

Now, what is he doing wrong?

What, is Hogan doing wrong? Yes, look at him. Now, he's doing something wrong.

Barry, look closely.

Very obvious.

Very obvious. You ought to be able to see it. You call yourselves golfers.

Well, what is Hogan doing wrong?

His eyes are open.

God, you saved the social season.

Fun, fun, fun, fun.

Are you kidding? I'd rather be at Palm Springs watching the crown on that

I can just see him teeing off with his eyes closed.

You know, some of the best players in the country are going to be in that

tournament. And there he'll be, whipping away.

Sarge, what's the matter? I can't go through with it, that's all. I just

go through with it. But, Sarge, we put so much into it. Well, salvage what you

can. Sell the egg rolls, sell the Japanese... But, Sarge, it's all... I

told you I can't go through with it. Why?

Now, look.

The Colonel's a pretty regular guy, isn't he?

Yeah, but look at all this. Yeah, but nothing.

He can't have him making a fool out of himself in front of all those brass and

that officer club and the people that he went to West Point with.

I mean, he'll look pretty silly, won't he, in front of all those high brass,

swinging away with his eyes closed.

Sonny, I just can't do this to him. I just can't. I got to talk him out of it.

Come in.

Oh,

I'm sorry.

Sorry, Coco.

I'm glad you dropped in. I want you to have my car ready to take me to the

airport. So you're really set on entering that tournament, sir?

Bilko, how can I lose?

Eleven under par.

Look, sir, maybe it was an accident. Perhaps you're not ready. Maybe next

sir. Bilko, I'm at the top of my game.

Sir, won't you reconsider?

I mean, after all, something might happen.

Bilko, what if I have a little tough luck and come in second?

I'm a grown man.

I can take it.

Sir, as your instructor, I must advise you not to enter that tournament.

Bilko, as your commanding officer, I'm ordering you to have my car ready. Yes,

sir.

I can't talk him out of it.

Wait a minute, I got it. I've got to convince him he's the world's worst

Good shot, sir.

Thank you, Wilco.

Colonel, I want to apologize for ever doubting that you could win that

tournament. It's just that I'm so nervous about my pupil, sir. I

Sir, I think this afternoon before you leave, you should get a good practice

round under your belt, sir.

Well, if you say so, Ernie. You're the boss.

Yes.

I mean on the golf course. Oh, of course, sir. Shall we, sir?

Well, I'm ready. Any last -minute hints?

Well, sir, just one thing. You see, sometimes a man plays a wonderful Romney

golf, and then the next time he plays, he's back to being a duffer, sir. I

You do?

Of course.

That's those golfers that don't know the secret.

Eyes closed.

There's no secret to good golf. It's just that I want you to know, if

happens, please don't be brokenhearted. It's just one of those things.

Is that all, chaplain?

Thank you.

Well, here goes.

Eyes closed.

One, two, three.

About 270 yards.

I've got to improve my distance.

Come on, let's go. Yes, yes.

Now, Bilko, how far would you say this was from the green?

About 150 yards, sir.

Give me the putter.

Well, here goes.

Eyes closed.

One, two.

Right on with the green.

Shucks. Missed the cup by ten feet.

You're right, Bilko. I did need the sharpening up.

All right, let's go. Come on.

Eyes closed. Here goes.

I got to drive the colonel to the airport. Hold his club.

Didn't you talk him out of going into that tournament? Talk him out of it?

that man, he can't lose. He can't lose. It's a wrap -up. I got to get out of

here. Wait, the colonel's club. Oh, yeah, the club.

Give me the potter. That's all he'll need.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell.

Phil Silver's Invertivision.