Original subtitles

It is so peaceful in the chicken house, and you are a rooster, the king of the

barnyard.

My,

there's a pretty -looking little hen.

Watch out, here comes the farmer with an axe.

Thank you, thank you.

That is an example of complete hypnotism.

All right, Sergeant Ritzick, wake up.

Who deals?

Okay, Sergeant, let's take a roost right over there. Give him a hand, folks.

Now, my friends, this is the shoe for the knee.

Thank you very much, Professor. On behalf of everybody, I would like to...

Sergeant, why don't you let me try and hypnotize you?

Me? I'm afraid it wouldn't work. I wouldn't want to embarrass you in front

all these people.

Oh, I see. You mean your mind is too strong and sharp to be influenced.

Well, I wouldn't put it so bluntly, but since you said it... Oh, come on!

The sergeant is absolutely right.

Sergeant, let's demonstrate to them how a man with your strength of mind cannot

be hypnotized. Do you mind, Sergeant?

Sergeant Bilko.

Master Sergeant Bilko.

Master Sergeant. How interesting.

I always wondered how Master Sergeant spent the day. What did you do today?

Oh, it was a typical day. I was up at six o 'clock, put my men through their

drill, and the rest of the day worked like a dog on the Colonel's staff car.

Good heavens. After a day like that, you must be tired.

Tired.

I am a little tired, yes.

Very tired.

Very, very tired.

Sergeant Bilko, open your eyes.

Yes, Master.

Sergeant Bilko, tell us, what time did you get up today?

Noon.

And then where did you go?

To the motor pool.

Are you sure you went to the motor pool?

I had to. We had a crap game scheduled.

You were in the motor pool all afternoon shooting crap? Please, Colonel, he's

hypnotized. Never mind.

Bilko, you mean you didn't even work on my staff car?

It's a total wreck.

A wreck?

I drove it in the stock car races in town last Saturday.

Bilko! Yes, sir, he's in a hypnotic state.

Just a few more questions. We may find out what happened at Pearl Harbor.

I'm sorry.

Wake up, Sergeant Bilko.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

After the motor pull, I put my men through that drill. Quiet!

So you woke up at noon, ran a crap game, and wrecked my car in a stock car race.

Me, sir? Yes, you.

So consider yourself confined to quarters until my car is fixed at your

At my expense?

Sir, if you're going to take the word of some dirty little spy, all right, who's

the wise guy? Stand up, you dirty stink. I'll get my hands on you. Well, you'll

get a good grip on yourself.

Yes, you told us yourself while hypnotized.

Me hypnotized?

So I'm afraid that's impossible.

Tell the Colonel, Professor, that I... Yes?

That I'm one of the sharpest guys in... In what?

In the barnyard.

The eye is the window of the brain.

Let the power of suggestion pierce through the window into the brain of the

subject until domination is complete.

Look into my eyes.

Deep. Do not be afraid.

I am your friend.

Deep.

You're getting drowsy.

Drowsy.

Sleepy. You want to sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Hey, Sarge.

Hey, Sarge. Sarge, wake up. Sarge. What is it? What? Nothing. You fell asleep.

I did?

It works. It works, I tell you. It works.

What works? I can do it with my eyes. I can bend people to my will. I tell you,

I got it. I got it. Well, what are you going to do with it?

If it doesn't cost me a bundle of money when I have to fix the colonel's car,

hypnotism will get me that money back.

Sarge, Sarge, are you sure? You haven't told him in my eyes you want to be

destroyed. You're not aware of this? Now, take the book. Come on.

If you make the shock, we win. I know it, Rupert. I know it.

Don't be nervous.

Francis, you missed.

Oh.

What is this, sleeping on tables? You know better than that. Up, up, sleep in

your barracks. Hey, look who's here. The great man who could be hypnotized.

All right, knock it off, will you, fellas?

You bet your bet. Well, you bet that Professor Horatio.

That phony.

I know nothing about hypnotizing, but even I can hypnotize you.

It's a bet. Ten dollars, you can't. Wait a minute. I'll make a little statement.

I'll jump down my throat just because... Oh, so you're going to weasel. Look,

he's weaseling.

I weasel for no man. Get your money.

Twenty dollars. How much?

Okay, go ahead.

It's a bet.

Get ready, Rupert.

Rupert, now be strong.

Don't worry. The Rock of Gibraltar.

All right, Rupert, get ready. Now look deep.

Give me the money. Oh, it's not fair. It's not fair. He's still under the

professor's influence.

You hide him. Give me the money.

Sergeant Bilko, Sergeant Bilko. What is it? The colonel's wife is coming here

looking for you. Hide the money. Sergeant Bilko.

Well,

the USO has done it again, gentlemen. They send us Betty Grable.

This is Harry James with you. He plays like an angel on that trumpet.

Sergeant Bill Cole, would you please send some of your men to take my trunk

the station this afternoon?

I do it. She's leaving for Hollywood.

They're bringing back the wampus baby.

Oh, I'd be delighted to pick up your trunk, Mrs. Hall. Anything for you. Oh,

thank you so much. Give our love to the kennel. He's doing a grand job. The men

are solidly... Give me that. Oh, no, it's not fair.

Now, look, Rupert, you... I can say something else.

All right.

It's a lead pipe, since.

All right, Rupert.

Remember, I am your master. Deep, look.

You belong to me mentally. You'll do what I say.

Deep,

deep.

Let us know your hidden desires.

There was a beautiful lady in here a moment ago.

You are in love with her.

That's it.

You are in love with the Colonel's wife.

Hopelessly.

Desperately.

passionately in love with the colonel's wife.

Say it, Rupert. I am in love. Rupert.

Say it, go on.

With the buddy we just won.

Come on, Ernie, you blew it. It's our money. Let's get out of here.

Come on, Rupert, let's go to the pier.

I am in love with the colonel's wife.

Okay, sleep.

That's good.

Passionately in love with the current white man.

Now, Nell, don't lose these tickets. You leave on the 935 train tonight. You'll

be in Toledo with Barbara and her grandchildren tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, I hope I'm not too late.

Well, the kids have only got chicken pox.

Oh, that's Sergeant Bilko. He's coming to help me with the trunk. Good. I'd

better get dressed.

Come in.

Imagine me mistaking you for Betty Grable, Miss Monroe.

Would you bring my trunk up from the basement?

Gladly, basement. Hey, trunk up!

And now I want you to wait, but I want you to taste some cookies I just baked.

Oh, thank you, but we never eat between meals that Mess Sergeant Ritzig prepares

for us. You see, it breaks the routine of our upset stomachs.

Oh, there. Thank you very much. I'll get you some cookies.

Gee, she's a nice dame. Yeah.

Has he ever stayed with a sowpuss like the Colonel all these years? I'd better

get that.

Is that you now, my darling?

I just called to tell you I am desperately, passionately in love with

How long must we keep our love a secret?

I count the hours until I can hold you in my arms.

What's matter, Sarge?

Nothing much.

Just that the colonel's wife has got another man.

Oh, no.

You sure?

Of course I'm sure. I know the voice of a gigolo when I hear one.

Suave, insinuating, like I only see the sideburns and the greasy hair.

I can't believe it. But you can believe it. Right here in front of us, a home is

being broken up. Shh, Mr. Colonel. Oh, the poor kid. Now, where's my... Oh,

you, Bilko.

Yes, sir. Oh, still pouting over having to pay out that money for wrecking my

car, huh?

Well, let me tell you, when somebody wrecks something that's mine... Wrecks

something that's his.

Something wrong?

Something wrong.

Sir, I speak for all the men when I say this. We're all behind you in your hour

of need.

My hour of need?

Bilko, did you hear something from the Pentagon?

No, sir. How would I know?

I don't know. You always do.

I'm the last to know.

The husband's the last to know.

I'll take them myself.

Are your hands still greasy from his hair?

What? Birko, stop gibbering. Now, where is my jacket?

It's in your closet, dear. Oh, thank you, darling.

I don't know how I get along without you.

That husband of mine.

Things could disappear right under his nose and he wouldn't notice.

Under his nose.

I'll get your milk.

Oh, the brazenness of it.

We've got to find who this snake is, see who that is. Now, look, we'll check

with the telephone exchange.

We'll find where the phantom lover has been operating from, and if I can get my

hands. That's who I love, those oily, sneaky guys. I like to... Who is it?

was nobody there, just this rose and a note.

Note?

My darling Nell, roses are red, violets are blue.

I'm in love with a girl, and her name is you.

Phantom lover has struck again. He could have got too far.

Anybody there?

No. Just Doberman. Doberman! On the other cat!

What is it, Sarge?

Did you see a guy sneaking around here?

What did he look like? Greasy hair, long sideburns. No, Sarge. Well, keep your

eyes open. Yes, Master. We've got to support the force today. We couldn't

gotten too far. Come on, Sarge.

Roy, here's your milk.

Sergeant Bilko. I'll be back in... Oh, now, I almost forgot.

Major Spengler, our medical officer, will drop by here before you leave for

train to give you a vaccination against chicken pox.

Now, you'd better get packed.

Really, John, you sound like you want to get rid of me.

Oh, come now, Nell.

You know, I'm taking quite a chance leaving a handsome man like you alone

on the post with all those good -looking girls.

Oh, now, Nell, really, I'm just a broken -down old...

I can't believe the colonel's wife has fallen for another guy.

That colonel's got all the luck. It couldn't have happened to my wife.

I didn't give my car in a tank of gas. You shut up. What can we

do? We can trace that phantom lover and deal with him in our own way. Besides,

it's four o 'clock. We've got to take the colonel's wife's trunk to the

I almost forgot.

Wait a minute.

Why should she suddenly be leaving, huh?

It all fits.

Oh, no. You mean she's running off with this guy? What else? We've got to get

over to that house and be ready to nab him the minute he calls.

Would you recognize him?

I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

That cheap, sexy, slimy baritone.

Sarge, can I talk to you?

Who's... Oh, it's Doberman. Look, not now, Doberman. Come on.

Sarge. What?

I have a decision to make.

Well, you're over 21. Make your own decision. We're busy.

Yes, sir.

Well, there's my wife's trunk. Get it down to the station. Oh, sir, talk to

Tell her her place is here with you. You who love her, sir. Oh, Bilko, I can't

be selfish. There are others that love her, too.

Are there?

There's enough for all of us.

Oh, sir, please, don't let a few Noel Coward plays and those modern books on

marriage turn your head, sir.

Oh, really, Bilko? Oh, please, sir, talk to her. Convince her that where she's

going, there can only be danger.

Nonsense. She's going to be vaccinated.

Of course.

And now lock the trunk and get it down to the station.

Yes, sir.

He's blind.

He's blind.

Oh, is the trunk still here? This is all I plead with you. It's not too late.

Please, don't let a pair of greasy sideburns wreck your entire life.

Sergeant Bilko, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, yes. Oh, I'll be

late for my beauty parlor appointment. But please, you must understand we have

your... Hey, Bilko! Oh, excuse me. I want to see Sergeant Bilko.

Well, well.

Well, we combed the post, and there's not a stranger on it.

Must be. Look, if he's leaving with her tonight, he must be lurking around here

someplace. We've just over... Talk to him. Oh, yes,

I tell you, the morning drills are getting very... All right, Mac, out of

Don't think that we... Come on, get it down to the station.

There must be something we can do to stop this. Something.

Oh, come on, Ernie.

Let's go. No, no. He's around here someplace and we'll nab him. I swear to

we will.

All right, wise guy. We know who you are. No filthy rat's going to break up

home of a friend of mine.

Don't give me that slimy... Yes. Yes, General Hanson.

No, sir. The colonel isn't here, sir.

The language I use... Well, sir, I thought it was the finance company.

No, I don't always talk that way, sir. I'm new here.

Who am I?

Um... I'm Lieutenant Anderson, sir. Just been transferred. Thank you very much,

General. Well, I give up. Come on, let's get out. Ernie, we did our best. You

grab it.

Is that you, Nell?

My darling?

My heart?

Pretend you're the Colonel's wife.

Yes, it's me, my love.

I am already packed.

I'm ready to take you away with me.

Just a minute, dear.

He's already packed and ready to take her away.

Good. Get him to come right over here, right away.

Come right over, dear.

Tell him your husband's out of town.

My husband is out of town.

Tell him the coast is clear.

The coast is clear.

Yes.

Fly, my lover.

Fly.

Well, what did he say? He's coming. What did he say? He's coming right over.

Good, and the minute he gets here, we'll nab him, but good.

So soon. He must have crawled from the phone booth across the road. Hide. Stop.

Hide.

Hide. Very quiet.

Come in.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm here.

Well, are you a... Major Spanger, our medical officer.

Oh, how built. Oh, what are you doing here?

A little surprised to see me here, aren't you? No, as a matter of fact, I

over to see the colonel's wife.

Indeed, you did.

She's leaving tonight, you know.

Yes, we know.

I just came over to give her a couple of shots.

Figured she couldn't go through with it sober, eh?

Sober? What are you talking about, Bilko? You know what I'm talking about,

Major. Bilko, you're speaking to an officer.

Oh, let's put our cards on the table, Major. We know your secret.

Found out?

Yes, we certainly did.

I was a fool. I should have known I couldn't keep it a secret.

I first met her when I was in medical school.

She was young and beautiful, and I was lonely. Any man would have done what I

did, Bilko. She was the flame, and I was the moth.

I'll never forget that first... Hold it. Hold it a minute.

Hello. Hello, Nell, my darling.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to get the bus tickets.

Okay, Phantom.

Go ahead.

It was one of those nights that happens once in a lifetime.

We were at her apartment. I had bought a bottle of champagne.

There was a song playing on the radio. I'll never forget it. I dream of Jeannie

with the light brown hair.

Her name was Stella.

Stella. Oh, look, Maggie, there's been some mistake.

Yes, there was a mistake. Listening to my parents, they said don't marry a

waitress. I appeal to you. Is it wrong to be young and foolish and in love with

your mom? Major, Major, please.

Come in, dear.

Is anybody home? Yes, there's somebody home.

Sir. Look, didn't I tell you I was busy? Now, not now. Out. Out.

She worked at this little restaurant, the Busy Bee Diner. It was a small,

clubbing family. It was the first order. Colonel Hall!

I have my staff car here at 8 o 'clock, Bill. Gladly, sir.

I want to take my wife to the station. The station, that's where I used to meet

Stella. Stella? Who's Stella? I'll begin at the beginning.

Her name was Stella. She was a waitress.

I was the loft, and she was the flame.

As I circled around her, endlessly moving towards my destruction. That

destruction that comes to a man who loves not wisely, but too well.

We're up against a shrewd operator.

Sarge. Not now, Doberman. We're busy.

Sarge, I've got a problem. We've got a bigger problem here. Shut up. That

Listen, Sarge, maybe this guy's really in love with her. I don't know. When a

guy's really desperately in love and he runs into opposition, he don't horse

around. He waits till it's dark, gets a ladder, puts it up against the window,

throws some pebbles up against the window, and they elope.

Gee, it's getting dark.

All right, what's your problem?

Sarge, I know what to do with my problem now.

All right, go ahead. Do it. Yes, master.

Stop calling me yes, master. It's true he's my slave, but it doesn't sound nice

in front of people. The train leaves in two hours. Hey, maybe we could have him

at the station.

Yeah, maybe we can talk her out of it. Wait a minute.

Hold it. We're going at this all wrong.

What do you mean?

Here's what I mean. When a woman her age starts running around with a gigolo, it

can mean only one thing.

The colonel has lost his hold on her.

He has?

Twenty -five years, the same face, the same conversation. She probably thinks

the old boy has run his last race. She probably thinks he's lost his sex

It's the old story.

We've got to convince her that he's still in that pigeon. What do you mean,

Sarge? Here's what I mean.

We've got to show her there's still a sparkle in his eye. We've got to make

afraid to leave him alone for even a minute.

You mean while the cat's away, the mouse will play?

Now I've got to find a mouse for him to play with.

Who? I happen to know a mouse who owes me a favor.

Who? Stack, Susie.

That's Susie. That's Susie. That's Susie. That's Susie. That's Susie.

Susie. That's Susie.

That's

Susie.

Oh, Bill, come on. You're right. I saw a couple of our brother has a staff car

in the back. Don't you think you'd better check on it, sir? Yeah, yeah,

good. Your husband seemed quite reasonable at first. He's a jolly sort

fellow.

Come on, come on.

In here, Susie.

Let me see.

That's the best costume you can get.

I told you something scanty.

It's too late. Come on, out, out.

Come on.

Now, look, Susie, remember, you're just a maid.

But I don't know nothing about housework. What do you have to know? The

you wave a cloth and Mrs. Hall sees you, your career of a maid is through. Come

on. Wait.

What is it?

I don't know.

So silly, me doing housework.

Was it silly when I got your picture in all the papers, when I made you miss

three -day pass? Was that silly?

Am I to be condemned to be doing...

Is one mad mistake in a man's youth to condemn him forever?

Is it to make a millstone around his neck so that he'll always... Oh, Major!

Thank heavens you're still here. What is it? It's terrible. There have been

mumps all over the post. My bad. Good heavens. Please. They're dropping like

wildflowers. Wait a moment. Did you say mumps? Yes, sir.

Stella had the mumps. She blew up like a balloon. Please, sir. I don't believe I

ever should be... Sir, they're dropping like flies out there.

Yes, yes. Where will you be later? I'll be right here.

Remind me to tell you about it. Go run, sir. Remember the Hippocratic Oath? Save

humanity if you can...

Thank you, Bilko.

Sir, I'd like to explain. The reason for my strange attitude all day, sir, when

I find your wife was going to leave you alone, it rather upset me, sir. Oh, so

that was it.

Yes, sir, and we know how it is without a woman around the house to keep things

tidy, sir, so we took the liberty of hiring a maid to clean up after you,

maid? Yes, a cleaning woman.

Well, I don't like a stranger in the house. A stranger? So why, in 15

you'll feel like you've known her all your life.

You know, there's plenty of time.

No, I'm going to feel lost without you. Oh, don't you worry, Mrs. Hall. We'll

take good care of him. And with the maid to tidy up while your house will stay

as clean as a whistle.

A maid?

Yes. Kendall, didn't you tell Mrs. Hall?

Yes. There's a cleaning woman here. She's waiting in the bedroom right now.

I'll feel strange with someone around. Well, I think it's a very good idea.

Kendall, while you have a minute, why don't you make the financial

with the maid in the bedroom now? Oh, all right.

I know no one can take your place, Mrs. Hall, but I'm sure Susie will do the

best she can. Oh, thank you, Sergeant Bilko. Of course, John doesn't want me

go, but anything that'll make him more comfortable.

Yes, I can... John!

Oh, Nell, are you still here? You missed your train.

Let's get down to the stage. Oh, nonsense!

Did you interview the new maid?

The new maid?

Yes. Does she speak English?

Who cares?

Now, if you miss that train... Excuse me, sir. Don't you think Mrs. Hall

see the new maid? No. Why not?

When you've seen one, you've seen them all.

Oh, really?

Don't talk about the house.

Oh, I'll go and fetch her. Oh, no. Bill, go.

Suzanne, Mrs. Hall would like to see you.

Please be tolerant of her. You see, she's rather a judge, but it's the best

could do at such short notice.

Oh, I know. We're lucky to have it.

Did you call?

Just take orders, sir.

Quiet! Nell, be reasonable.

Now, your train leaves. I am not going, and that's final.

I'll never forget that smile on your face when you came out of the bedroom.

It was a beautiful smile, sort of like the Mona Lisa. You shut up! Now, Nell,

you think that I... What's that?

Pebbles on the window.

The masquerade is over. I had hoped to spare you this.

What are you talking about? What am I talking... Yes.

Sir, in a minute you will see the scoundrel who was running off with your

Come, my darling.

Drive with me.

Dob... Looks like he's in a trance. Dobman.

Dobman, snap out of it.

I've got to get a doctor.

Am I to be blamed for something that happened when I was hot -blooded and

when the whole world sang a what? What? Come quickly. There's been an accident.

An accident?

Don't go away.

Wilco, if you ever try any hypnotism again... Sir, I give you my word. I

even know Dublin was there, sir. ...a man to be condemned for one moment of

madness. I tell you, I felt like a bubble. Major!

Good morning, Colonel.

How is Private Overman? Oh, he'll be fine. Fortunately, he fell on the part

him that's most padded. Oh, thank heavens. Now I can leave for Toledo with

clear mind.

Come, dear. Vilco. Excuse me, sir. Oh, Vilco. Sir.

No offense meant, but I'm not interested in anything that happened 20 years ago.

I know, but it's happened again.

Again? Yes, she's a housemaid. Just last night. Her name is Susie. Oh, yes, yes.

You were the one. She was the flame. That's right. How can a man be condemned

for one indiscretion? It was the moonlight. Oh, a ragamone. A hankerhead.

is an animal.

and tonight's show were Haywood Broon Jr.

as Major Spengler, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzik, Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, Julie Umar as Susie, and Lee Papel as

hypnotist.