Original subtitles

Elvin Pelvin drafted.

Rock and roll idol to be GI.

Elvin gets physical today.

Elvin sent to Fort Dix under guard.

Elvin moved to Fort Henry.

Elvin sent to Southern Cat.

Elvin moved to West Coast.

Elvin, Pentagon problem.

An emergency meeting of the general staff on a...

Captain

William, sir.

I just brought Elvin over from the hotel. Oh, you got through.

Yes, but we lost a tank, sir. A tank?

There must be some post in this army that we can send him to without his fans

overrunning it. Well, I have two suggestions, sir. Huh? What?

Well, first, we've been sending him to big camps.

Perhaps if we found some small, isolated army post far from the crowds where he

could be sort of hidden.

Ah, excellent.

What's the other suggestion?

Second, sir, could you assign somebody else to go with Elvin? Nonsense.

You'll go on with it.

Now, Captain, I want you to find me the smallest, most isolated post in the

United States Army.

Somewhere away from crowds and around the middle of the country, maybe Kansas.

Somewhere where they've never even heard of Elvin Pelvin.

Come on, hurry that up. I've got to get back to the kitchen.

Look, why don't you get somebody else to type up your mess hall menu?

Oh, come on. It'll spoil my appetite.

Oh, come on. Come on, type that up. That's chicken fricassee. You know

something, Grover? Today I got a feeling it came out just right. Yeah? Yeah,

just cut that feeling. I like the way it's stuck to my hand.

Oh.

Hey, Billy, who's that captain in there with the colonel? Oh, he's from

Washington. Trouble's in the staff car with the curtains down.

Ooh, maybe something's going to happen. Are you kidding? This is Siberia.

Nothing ever happens on this post.

Pelvin, Pelvin is on this post. Colonel, please. Where is he? Colonel, can I

call my wife?

I've got to see my wife. If she's not the first to know, she'll knock my block

off.

That's exactly what we're afraid of, a fuss being made over Pelvin.

I understand.

Sorry I cracked.

It's understandable, sir.

Thank you.

Now, most important is where Pelvin is placed. After all, this boy's a

millionaire, and under an unscrupulous sergeant who might capitalize on him

like... An unscrupulous sergeant? Yes.

Now, according to his aptitude test, he shows a talent for mechanics.

He has 11 Cadillacs, you know. Yes.

Well, after a great deal of thought, the general staff has decided that he be

placed in the motor pool section of your post, under the motor pool sergeant. We

checked. His name is Biltko. The Pentagon thought that went up? Yes, sir.

Out of all the motor pool sergeants in the United States, they're going to put

Elvin Pelvin in Bilko's platoon?

Colonel, I don't understand.

That's out of the question.

If you want no fudge, you'd better pick some other platoon. Well, of course, you

know best. I've got a couple of other sergeants.

Grover and Ritzig.

They're steady and they're intelligent.

Are you sure that's the way you spoke tapioca? I thought it was with two Ks.

Sergeant Grover and Sergeant Ritzig. Will you step in here, please? Yes, sir.

We have a new recruit on the post, and I'm going to assign him to one of you.

Oh, no, Kyle, I can't break in a new man, give him the ritzik, let him put

in the kitchen.

Oh, no, you don't. What, do you think just any slob can peel potatoes?

Quiet. Here, Sergeant, here are his papers. Here, you take them. I'm full

Don't give me that. He said you. Now, wait a minute, man. I'm sure Elvin

will make a fine soldier.

Look, I don't need no Elvin... Elvin Pelvin? The real Elvin Pelvin? That's

right. There's his signature.

Oh, I got his autograph.

No, give it to me.

I had it first.

Men, stop this.

Oh, come on now. He's going to bite me. No, he's coming with me. He's coming

with me. He's coming with me.

Shut up.

I am ashamed of both of you.

Colonel, I'm afraid these men won't do. Now get out of here.

I'm not a word to anyone about this.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Well, Colonel, all that's left is the motor pool under your sergeant Bilko.

Elvin Pelvin and Bilko's platoon.

The poor boy.

Colonel, forgive me, but Elvin Pelvin is not a poor boy.

He will be.

What's the matter, Sarge?

Nothing.

You, you know when you start talking about somebody, you start seeing images

your mind.

You start seeing things.

Oh, you see, Sarge.

Alvin Palvin.

What's

with

you? What is it, Pamperley? What?

Him, him. Him, him, who? Him, him, him, who?

Elvin, Elvin.

Elvin? You mean Elvin... Do you know what this is?

Transmitted hysteria.

That's what this is.

But, Sarge, he is here.

Oh, stop it, Marlon. You think you saw him. I thought I saw him, too. It's the

Freudian theory of power of suggestion.

Freud came out with a theory that in the neurotic mind you can suggest just by

thought. Of course, he knows it, didn't he? He says, have luck, Elvin.

Take that!

As you were, man.

Thank you, sir. Well, everything seems normal. Normal, sir? Sergeant,

congratulations. The fact that you and your men have accepted Elvin Pelvin into

your barracks with no fuss, no hysteria is a credit. Just keep it that way,

Sergeant. Just treat him as a regular rookie and he can serve his two years

you quietly and beneficially. Carry on.

See?

Quiet, you meatball!

I'm golden wings.

A million dollars has flown into this nest.

Now, you heard the captain.

Show a fuss and it'll fly right out of here. A million dollars?

We're not going to be greedy.

Just a steady $10 ,000.

Hey, how are you getting?

How do we cut in? Sure. He's in the army now. He's a member of opportunity. He

won't sing alone.

He'll sing with our glee club.

We got a glee club? We have one now.

That's the gimmick. We don't know who he is. That's the normal, like every day.

Not really. I'm depending on you. Don't crack me. I'll try, son. Just act normal

like any other day in the bay.

Over here, over here.

And the case I'm going to roll in. Well, I was sure these duty rosters were

in... Yes?

I'm Neil Kruger.

Oh, you're the little man, of course.

I'm Francis Forms. Good boy.

Let me see. What's his name here? Edwin? No, no, no. It's Elvin. Oh, Elvin?

Elvin Pillman. I knew an Elvin Pillman with a dentist. Did you know him?

No, I'm talking to Elvin Pelvin.

Elvin Pelvin.

Is that an American name? Well,

we have to be careful, you understand.

This is the army. Let me see now. Let me see your dot here. Former singer.

Oh, you're with the Singer Sewing Machine. Wonderful people. They make a

name. Now, what are you on, bobbins or petals?

If you're good with your hands, I'll put you on carburetors. I was a singer, you

know, a vocalist. Oh, good heavens. I thought you were good on machines. You

see, I could put you in the motor pool if you knew something about machinery.

Well, Sergeant, listen, I'm very interested in motors. I've done a lot of

on my own. Now, heavens, where can I place you?

Oh, I have. I will put you with the Gleek Club.

Hey, you have a Gleek Club? Oh, yes. It's a wonderful group. We just sing for

little socials. It's very good propaganda for the army. I'll tell the

better have you with us. I'll get the boys to get up. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'd like to introduce a new member of the platoon. He's going to be the

orderly. This is Irving Melvin. Hi, Irving.

Elvin Pelton.

Elvin. Pelton. I must say.

I want you to meet some of the boys. This is Staskowski.

We call him the passionate Paul. This is the veteran of the group. His name is

Sam Fender. Sam.

Dino Papparelli. Dino. Elvin. This is Fielding Zimmerman. Fielding. Yes, and I

want to take over the head. I want you to meet Fielding Zimmerman.

Doberman. Would you get him away? Get him away.

Doberman will tell you what to do. Get rid of him. Don't let him hang on. Give

me a hand. Give me a hand.

I've got to forgive him. You see, as a child, he was very insecure. He always

grabs on to things.

See, I've got something to tell you. I tell a very few recruits. You know

something? What just happened here? The boys took to you immediately.

They liked you. You're one of the bunch.

Just one of the bunch. That's the way it's going to be. Dobman, I'm going

Hey, up!

Take this new recruit to the furnace room. Show him his bunk.

What furnace room? Welcome aboard, soldier.

Soldier. Well, you know, I can hardly wait till tomorrow to get my uniform, my

GI haircut.

Haircut? Yeah.

This way, Irving. Go to Elvin. Elvin.

So long. I'll show him where the bunk is.

Emergency.

What is it? I forgot about that. He's got to get a G .I. uniform and a

Of course. So what? So what?

Haircut with the side buns up. Who would know he's singing? Who he is?

We'd have to give affidavits to the audience and tell them it's Alvin

But, Sarge, you've got to get a haircut.

Yeah.

I've no fear. Vilco is here. Just remember, we've got a barber on this

We'll do anything for money. I'll handle it. Ready.

Here. Is it coming off? Look at it.

Man, oh, man. Look at it fly. Yeah.

How's it look? Is it getting it close?

Close. It's real close. Feel.

Man, oh, man, that's close. Sure.

Hey, how come there's no mirrors in here? Like I told you, when we had the

test, it shattered all the mirrors. Oh, I see. Keep cutting. Keep cutting.

Hey, Riley, hurry up and get open into that army uniform, will you?

Well, I got them fitted.

Gee, Elvin, I think you're pretty good.

Thank you.

Are you sure this is a regular army uniform?

Sure, standard GI. That's our new fatigue uniform.

I got one just like it.

All right. Well, it's got to get moving.

Where's Alvin? I thought he would be with you. Where am I?

I'm on Alvin.

That's me.

That's Alvin. How do you like it? I didn't recognize you. It looks like any

the G .I. with his uniform on.

Let me see the back of it. It looks fine.

Fine. All right.

We've got to take a picture of the glee club. Here we go.

Give me a big smile. This looks like a class picture. Everybody say cheese.

Hold on, wait a minute. It doesn't balance. The picture's all out of line.

Heldman, change with Irving. Let him get in there a minute.

Heldman, yes, stand over there. All right, now a big smile. Hold it. Wait a

second. Can you change with him? Change with him. Yes. See, it's a better line.

It's symmetrically better. Oh, here we are. Ah, Flashman, change with Heldman.

Get in there. All right, now we've got a good smile. Big smile, cheese.

All the way. Would you boys lean down just a little? Give him a line. You

lean down a little. Ah, that's fine.

Would you boys in the back lean a little?

That's it. Hold it.

Cheese. Cheese.

Look, what do you want from me? I got a nightclub. I can't book no soldier's

glee club.

My papers want personality.

It's full of personality.

Soldier, don't waste my time.

See something you like? Who's this? Oh, oh, that's Paparelli. No, no, no, this

guy right here. Which one? This guy right here. Goldman? No, this guy right

here. You're on the back. This guy right here with the hair. With the hair?

Oh, that's Gomez with the hair. Let me see his name. No, this guy right here.

I'll find it.

The names are on the back up there. I know you see Paul from the right.

Oh, that's Elvin Pelvin. He's an old man. Just got in the army. Elvin Pelvin?

Yes, he's new. He just came in the army? Look, if you don't like him, I'll take

him. No, no.

If you don't want him, I can get rid of him. No, no. If he's a member of the

group, just bring him along.

Oh, that's wonderful. That means you're going to hire us? Oh, why not? I was a

soldier myself.

I like to see the G .I .s make a few extra bucks. Oh, isn't that terribly

of you? We appreciate that. What are you going to pay us?

Well, for a Saturday night, let me see now, I can go as high as $30.

$30? Oh, that's, well, however, there are 11 of us. And then, couldn't you

of a more even, a round number?

Like what? Like $3 ,000. $3 ,000. Well, let's hear it on one. Hey, it's a deal.

It's a deal? All right. I'll drop the clip. Look, if you don't like it, boy.

I'll drop the clip.

Kind of just that. for me, sir? Very sorry to bother you, Bill Crow. Well,

it is Saturday night. The boys and I thought we'd go into town, sir. Town? I

don't think you can get there. Really? The roads are jammed. The streets are

mobbed. I just got it over the radio.

Oh, of course. The movie house has been converted. They're going to show more

talking pictures now, I understand, sir.

It'll be nice. I was getting a little tired of rotting. I'll rot myself. It

isn't out there? No, I think it's some other attraction in Roseville tonight.

Really? I haven't seen the papers, sir. I wouldn't know. Well, I have.

Oh, you mean this, sir? Tonight, tonight, in person, in the flesh, Elvin

at the Silver...

Elvin Pelton. Oh, that's that new boy with us, isn't it, sir?

Quiet. Quiet, Bilko.

Elvin Pelton is in the army.

And he's no longer to make any appearances in front of the public. Oh,

just a minor member of our clique club. He just does the oom -pah -pah oom -pah

-pah. No.

But, sir, that silver slipper is crowded with people waiting in line, sir. So is

my wife.

Oh, is your wife an oom -pah -pah fan, too, sir? Get out of here. But, sir, if

could... That's an order. Yes, sir.

Mr. Sveitser, did you say $10 ,000?

That's right.

Anything Elvin puts on wax sells a million copies. You get me a wax of

singing anything and I'll give you $10 ,000.

That's wonderful, Mr. Spicer. $10 ,000 and a penny a record.

I didn't say a penny a record.

Oh, but you will, won't you, Mr. Spicer?

Show the kids in the hands of thieves. Get the record.

It's a deal. Thank you, Mr. Spicer. It's a deal. It's a deal. We're in the

record business. Yeah, but Sarge, Elvin says he don't want to make records.

He won't even know he's recording.

Hiya, fellas.

Playing a little poker? Yes, sir.

Hey, you got a guitar there. Hey, open that and see, Stanley. Y 'all like a

monkey with the old guitar.

Ever play one of these things?

Oh, I used to. A lot of fun, ain't there?

Say, I wrote a song.

Hey, that's cute.

Brown suede combat boots.

I wrote that. Say, fellas, I wrote a song. Would you like to hear me sing it?

Say,

I wrote a song. Would you like to hear me sing it?

I'm a little shy. I couldn't sing. Sing the song, Sally.

Now I got to stand inspection before

they let me leave.

If I fail that old inspection, tear the stripes over sleep. But don't you step

on my brown sweet combat brief.

What's wrong, son?

Ain't you having fun?

Yeah. Oh, man, Latch, I'm enjoying it.

Well, I know I got to drill.

Know I got to fight.

Wake me up, it's morning by the dawn's early light. But don't you step out.

Step out.

The Browns play combat boots.

Combat boots.

Yes, you got to rock. You got to rock. You got to roll. You got to roll. You

to rock. Bring it in. Roll. Take it over. Combat boots. Combat boots. Go for

What's the matter, son? Having trouble home?

No.

Did you have any fun?

Well, yeah, but that's why I can't sing rock and roll songs.

What do you mean?

Well, you see, rock and roll is really the blues.

Oh, you don't sing that kind of music.

Well, I always did, but I was always blue.

I don't understand.

Well, you know, singing in big cities.

Well, I always got so lonesome, I always sang the blues. I was lonesome for my

home in the South, you know?

Lonesome for your home in the South? Yeah. That's what makes you sing.

It's understandable. He only sings when he's lonesome for the South.

Cotton. Where's the cotton?

Honey, suckle.

Fleischman. Yo.

Fleischman. Right. Let me hear the mockingbird.

Okay, outside.

Right here it comes.

Sarge. Sarge, it's coming. All right, all right.

Where's the honey?

Hiya,

Rebel. Hiya.

Why don't you squat and join us?

You see, we're celebrating Memories of Home Night.

Memories of Home Night? Yeah, sure. Boy, that's beautiful.

Sure is. All us southern boys get together one night at a weekend's dance.

you boys southern?

Southern? Zim them and give them some grits.

Oh, those memories of home.

Around now when the sun goes down, you can smell the perfume of that magnolia

the air.

Can't you just smell it, son?

Yeah.

Long around sundown, Mr. Markenberg lets you know he's around with his evening

song.

Mr.

Markenberg lets you know he's around with the evening song.

Can't you just hear it, son?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a long around evening tide.

All the field hands come in for picking cotton.

Can't you just see him, son?

Yeah. Yeah, it's a lucky thing. Us southern boys, we all got a song that

us of home. I got a song that reminds us of my home. You got a song that reminds

you of home?

Oh, yeah.

Say, look, Elvin, why don't you sing that song you got that reminds you of

And... Okay,

Elvin. What? Why don't you sing that song you got that reminds you of home

You mean you really want to hear it? Sure enough.

And...

Shucks, I forgot it's Saturday night.

Saturday night?

Yeah, you see, Sergeant, I got a rule. I never sing on Saturday night because I

got to save my voice for church on Sunday.

Good boy.

He sings in church on Sunday.

It's a pleasure to see faces I haven't seen here in years.

You will all rise, please.

We will sing Rock of Ages.

It's on pay... Bilko?

Oh, chaplain, you don't think that I... You do.

Stay away.

Rock of angels, clap for me.

Tell you that Elvin won't open his mouth. He's a clam.

Let's face it, Sarge, he's happy. The happier he is, the poorer we get. He's

been here a week, not one note out of it.

Sarge. Stop with that paint. What do you want?

Elvin and I need some more paint if you want us to finish that north side.

There's some paint under the stairs in the barracks. Get a requisition.

What's with that Elvin? He's crazy about work, work, work, work.

Gee, he sings nice.

He sings? Yeah, he sings to me all the time.

Yeah, that's the luck I'm in.

For Doberman, he sings, you see. Is it funny how Elvin takes the Doberman side?

Elvin told me why. He says Doberman dies, you remind him of his hound dog

home.

You see, when you're in the kind of a lucky streak I am, everything goes

I can't get him to sing. But for Doberman, he'll sing.

He... He sings for Doberman. Get Doberman back here, Mike. Get Grover

the machines. Break out of Doberman.

Are you sure this will work?

It's got to work. He's got a mic, shortwave pack, anything that's said

ten feet of him, we've got it on the record. Good boy, Grover. See, Delvin,

you're a regular radio station.

Sarge, why does it always have to be me? Because you're adorable, that's why.

You're the only guy that Elvin wouldn't sing for. Now, look, there's $10 ,000

riding with you, understand?

You know what to say? The minute you sing, say, Elvin, why don't you sing a

song, understand?

Elvin, why don't you sing a song? That's a good boy. Now, go and do as I told

you. Turn it up.

Doberman's footstep. Got my bracket?

For an hour. Okay.

What happened? I don't hear the footsteps anymore.

He's walking on the grass. I think he's approaching the fence.

Hey, Dwayne, did you get that paint?

Yes, I'll have it here.

Good.

How about singing us a song? Oh, he remembers.

Sure. You know, Doberman, it's the only place I can sing.

Is there any of you?

He's going to sing.

Makes me want to sing, too.

I'll kill her. I'll kill that Doberman.

Hey, Dwayne, you know that song, Beautiful Dreamer? Yeah.

Beautiful dreamer.

With my own hands, I'll kill him. I'll give you my word, I'll strangle him.

Hey,

you got a nice voice, Dwayne.

Thank you.

Another one I like is that, though. Camptown Racers?

Yeah. Camptown Racers. Give him my word. Every bone in his body, I will

personally... Do you want me to turn it down? No, we may have an album here.

Dwayne Doberman sings us out of a fortune.

That's right.

You know, Dwayne, for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm among friends.

You certainly are.

And that's Sergeant Bilko. He certainly is a nice guy.

He is? Why, he sure is.

You see, Dwayne, all through my career, people have been trying to get me to do

things, but not Sergeant Bilko. Why? He just accepted me as a human being.

Like him putting me in the Gleek Club, I didn't even have to try out for it.

You know something, Dwayne? Why?

Well, I wrote a song about how I feel about Sergeant Bilko and all you fellas.

Say, would you like to hear it now?

An original song by Elvis.

Don't sing now. Let's finish painting.

No, Duane. This is the way I feel. You just got to listen.

Every man must have a friend.

Now I have some too.

The third platoon of Company B.

But Milko is the best.

Well, that's it. $10 ,000.

Well, come on. What's the matter, mail that the public is waiting?

This wasn't meant for the public.

But Ernie.

It was meant for him, him, him.

And a rat.

But Ernie.

What do you mean, but Ernie? Now, you guys heard this song, didn't you? You

it's for you.

You got the song in your hearts?

And we won't need this record.

Come on, let's help Elvin with the paint.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Tom Gilson as Elvin Pelvin, James Little as

Sergeant Grover, Joe E. Ross as Sergeant Ritzik, John Gibson as the chaplain,

Dan Fraser as Captain Williams, and Sam Schwartz as the nightclub owner.