Original subtitles

Gee, Dagmar, how did you know it was my birthday?

You certainly put enough signs around my dressing room.

Oh, well, do you have a present for me? Yes, I have, Mr. Bickford. Well, give it

to me. Do you really want to get it? Do I really want to get it? Give it to me.

Give it to me.

All right.

How do they think of things like that?

If you like this account of these two idiots, you've got to sit through this

every week. By the way, that's terrific.

Oh, I'll put more. He says, I didi -didi -do. Yeah, yeah.

Well, that was it, ladies and gentlemen. Our last show of the season. And I want

to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I didi -didi -do. I didi -didi -do.

Turn it off, will you? Turn it off. Come on.

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, laughing at drivel like that.

Leave him alone. That's not fair, right, Mike? When I think of the years I spent

turning out great television scripts, only to have him come back with not

interested. All right, can you open? Yeah, I can open. I paid thousands of

dollars for drivel like I did -dee -dee -dee -do! I did -dee -dee -dee -do!

show you came up with with Buddy Bickford last night. And look at the

He was beaten by a documentary film on beekeeping.

Boys, we've got to come up with a new format for him next year or there'll be

next year. You boys have got to come up with an idea.

Maybe if we change the orchestra leader.

Well, that's good dynamic thinking.

Change the orchestra leader. We've got to change everything.

We've got to give him a character. There's got to be a situation comedy.

Big B, we've racked our brains all year trying to think of a character for him.

Well, other comedians have done it.

Bob Cummings is a photographer.

Jesse's a band leader.

Since he's a commuter, there's got to be something he can do. Mr. Bigby, we've

been through every civilian occupation.

Besides, so many other comedians already have gotten it. Wait a minute.

I've got it. I've got it. What is it? Why does it have to be a civilian

occupation? Why can't it be in the army? The army, out of the thought of it.

That's right. I've been on television before.

I've seen it in a small little post somewhere in the middle west. In Kansas.

With a wax for the love interest.

That's it. That's it.

Get me the Pentagon.

Now, I'll tell you what to do.

We take him out and spend a week at some army camp in Kansas. You know, to get

the background.

Tell the army he wants to put a show on for us.

Yes? Mr. Bickford is here.

Oh, Mr. Bickford!

He's here.

It's a candy store, but they'll call me.

Oh, I dig that, Secretary. I dee -dee -dee -dee -doo.

Hiya, Big B. How are all the little bees? Oh, my writers.

Beautiful. Was that a show they wrote for me last night? Was that a show?

Buddy, here's last night's ratings. The ratings. I want these writers around for

life.

You bums, what are you trying to do? Ruin me? You're cool.

Get out of here. Get him out of my sight. I don't want to see him. Buddy,

minute, wait a minute. It's not the writers.

Oh, then it's me. I didn't say it was you. I'm not funny anymore.

Call my psychiatrist. Get his phone number. He has an ad in Variety. Buddy,

look, it's not you. You're great.

I am? You're terrific. It's just that the show needs changing. Yeah, we want

get a new approach. An entirely new format.

You're right.

But no halfway mission.

This time we go all the way. Exactly.

We get a new orchestra leader.

Next season, we start with a brand -new band leader. Is Harry Horlick still

around?

Everything's going to be changed.

Look, you're a soldier in the Army. A little close to my head.

Well? I'm a soldier?

It's a great idea, buddy. Why don't you have to step a bit on television before?

Oh, buddy, you'll be sensational.

I can see him already in an Army uniform that doesn't fit you. Oh, yeah, with

the long sleeves.

Hey,

hey, hey, that's funny already.

It is? Hey, buddy, don't you remember all the laughs you got during the shows

the Army, huh? Oh, yeah, what, yeah.

I just saved an entire regiment. You saved a regiment? I shot the cook.

Wait a minute. I got an idea. The opening of the show, instead of

dee -dee -dee -dee -doo. I dee -dee -dee -dee -doo.

Doberman.

Doberman. Oh, he's coming here.

He's coming here. Bilko. Where are you? He's coming here.

Bilko, where are you?

Where are you? Oh, where's Bilko? He's coming here. Rupert.

Rupert, I'm here. What is it? Oh, there you are. Oh, he's coming here in person.

Who's coming?

Oh, I can't say it without laughing.

He's coming. He's coming.

Rupert, he's coming. I know.

Who's coming? Him, him, him.

Who's him?

Buddy Bickford.

Why?

Why? It don't make sense.

I've left the comedian's entertainment on me, Ken.

Yeah, but why this, Ken? The last show we had here was Toby Wing and a turkey

truck dancer.

Hey, son.

He's your male and your variety. All right, thanks. Why would Buddy Bickford

coming here? He hasn't entertained us at a camp since the last war.

Why would he come to a dog farm like Baxter? I'll tell you, there's something

here that he wants.

On this post?

Come on, Eddie. Shut it out. You're always so suspicious.

There's nothing here.

Suspicious, huh?

No, no, no. I'm talking. I'm just talking off the top, huh? Listen to

is it? Big B executives are going around with big smiles on their faces.

The tip is out that the sagging Buddy Bickford show will come back this fall

a situation comedy.

Before Buddy and his writers disappear from New York, the comic crusade to say

we'll be back in a week with a brand new idea. Suspicion, huh? I told you so.

What does it mean? It means that somebody here has got a comedy situation

that he wants. Somebody here has a comic situation idea? Yes. Somebody on this

post even has an idea?

Yes. Somebody... What's the matter?

Of course!

Art Whitley. Whitley? He's been writing and submitting them for years. At last,

one of his ideas hits. Let's go. Where? Where are we going? Well, you know that

Whitley. You know what a jerk he is. He doesn't know what he's got here.

They're winding him with little flattery. First, he's going to let it go

peanuts. That's right.

Why? Why should he get peanuts when we can get caviar and all share in it, huh?

Right. Let me go. Sarge. Sarge, what? Do you mean that you're going to handle

the deal and we'll share in the dough? In the words of the greatest living

American, hey, dee -dee -dee -dee -doo.

How about these tone pods?

I told you, it's got to be a situation television idea. Now, find it. They're

hot for you.

Oh, I'm just completing one. Let's see it. What is it? It's right here.

There you are.

I'm married to Sherapidis.

You're married to Sherapidis? That's a television idea?

A foot doctor?

Well, it's a new TV profession. Look, you must have some other ideas. Oh, I

it to that advertising agency, Bigby, Bigby, and Bigby. Why don't you check

people? Why are... Wait a minute.

Bigby... Just like I thought. Big, big, big... That's Buddy Bickford's agency.

Come on, where is it? Well, they haven't returned it yet.

Sure. No wonder they didn't return it. They want to get here and make a deal

with you. I can't believe it.

Is this it? Yeah.

Andrew Armstrong, pre -surgeon? Never mind. Whatever it is, this is the show

that Buddy Bickford's going to do next fall.

Buddy Bickford? Now look, I'll handle the deal. Let me handle this. And

remember, we split right down the middle. You, me, and the boys in the

Pre -surgeon.

Why? Well, who knows?

Look what they did with a fat bus driver.

Feel free to look around, Mr. Marsh. And, uh, Mr.

Melnick, make yourselves at home.

Excuse me, sir. I found this portable outside. I don't believe I've had the

pleasure of... Oh, this is Mr. Melnick and Mr. Marsh.

You don't have to be afraid of me. Have I heard of Rodgers and Hammerstein,

Gilbert and Sullivan, Sears and Roebuck?

I get all finicky once in a while. You fellas doing a back -up job. Excuse me,

gentlemen. I promised my wife I'd call her soon as Mr. Pickford arrived.

I'll entertain the gentleman, Colonel.

Dr. Manning in office. He's a grand gentleman. A grand gentleman. Oh, don't

this uniform fool you. I got a connection with show business myself.

Oh, you do? Yes, I went to school with Bob Hope's cousin. Oh, you did? Yeah, we

were on the same wrestling team together.

She was a lovely girl. What about that?

Oh, excuse me. Oh, that's a chit -chat. Let's get down to business.

This is what you came here for, right? It'll cost you $1 ,000.

$1 ,000?

Are you crazy? Oh, trying to give you the little thing, huh? Make me if you're

not interested, because it's a no -no, right? You think you'll get it for

peanuts, huh? What are you talking about? What am I talking about? This is

you came from New York for. Who are you kidding? Now, you've got to make do with

me. Please, people are talking business.

Mr.

Cleveland, has this sergeant been annoying you? No.

He hasn't? Well, that's strange.

Ordinarily, left alone with two strangers, he tries to sell them a

Oh, talk about a sense of humor, Alvin. Quiet, quiet.

Wilco, I want you to show these gentlemen around the post. They need

Background, sir? Yes.

Buddy Bickford's going to do a new TV show about the army.

Show about the army? That's right, Sergeant.

And it's our idea. We're not buying it from anybody.

Wilco, did you try to sell them? That's just a misunderstanding.

Buddy Bickford!

Me, Tarzan, you whack!

Oh, hi, Kyle. I see you've got two whacks, one for each knee.

Mr. Bickford.

In behalf of the officers and the men. Oh, get this character. In behalf of the

officers and men.

Oh, put that down for the Colonel Fry show. A bumbler. A bumbler? I have an

idea. Oh, I don't know. Who's this character? Your head is shining in my

Oh, dear.

Hey! Hey, that's a beautiful head of skin you got there, Curly. He's very

isn't he? Comes up. Make a nice ice skating rink for midgets.

Right, George. That's a good one. Last time I saw something like that, I made

to hardware in a side pocket.

My name, my name. Oh, I feel funny.

What a beautiful background with these funny soldiers and everything.

I like it. I like it.

Ah, la -da -da -dum -dum -dum -dum -dum -dum.

Ah, Chiquita, my cha -cha partner.

I thought I left you in a pawn shop in Cuba.

Kiss me, you fool. My regiment leaves at dawn.

Mr. Bickford, this is my wife. Oh, don't apologize, Colonel. It could happen to

anyone.

Oh, Mr. Bickford, I understand.

That's beautiful.

The Colonel's wife. A frumpy little chatterbox.

What? Well, pardon me.

Pardon me? I'm sorry, lady. I'm not the governor.

What? Just show people they're full of fun. Oh, I feel funny. I feel funny. My

confidence is back.

Uh, Colonel, will you do me a favor? Go down to the station and pick up my bags.

Do I love it here? Do I love it here? Oh, hold it. Wait till I get out of the

room.

Let it fly.

All right, dee -dee -dee -doo.

Well, so that's the story. Take Andrew Armstrong, please, Sergeant, and put it

back in the files. I don't figure this at all. It all made sense to me. They're

coming here, that item and variety, and all tied together.

I could complete, uh, I married a shrapnet. No, no, later.

Give me that tree surgeon script back. Sarge, you said they wanted to do an

show. They're on Fort Baxter. Fort Baxter is my property. When people are

property, they do what I want. And I wanted to buy the script about the tree

surgeon. Yeah, but how?

How? No, figure that later. The first thing I have to do is talk him out of

army idea that he wants to do. But Sarge, you yourself said he thinks it's

funny. Yeah, you said he had a lot of confidence in it. So what? So we break

confidence. The easiest thing to do in the world is to break a comedian's

confidence. How?

You don't laugh. We don't laugh?

Nobody laughs.

So now he don't know what's funny.

So now his confidence is broken. So now he don't even know anything that's

funny. So I step in and I tell him what's funny.

I got to tell the rest of the boys. Platoon!

Hartnell, they're over here. Platoon!

What's up, Sarge?

Gentlemen, in a few minutes, I'm going to bring Buddy Bickford into this room.

Hey, Buddy Bickford! Now, fellas, you're going to come in here and make some

funny gestures, tell you a lot of jokes. Yeah.

Why don't you do me a favor? Yeah.

Don't laugh at us. Yeah.

Don't laugh? You mean we can't even laugh? Buddy Bickford's funny. Just a

minute. Remember I told you if I put over a certain little deal something

be changed here. You like living in this goat's nest?

Wouldn't you like me to make these barracks nice and comfortable? Wall -to

carpeting, comfy and warm, wallpaper cheerful and bright.

One titter and you're back in the goat's nest.

Now, is he funny?

Never could see him. Dull.

Nothing. Man, the United States Army is proud of you, boy. I think you'll find

yourself a comfortable rider here. Make yourself at home.

Gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for. Your favorite and my

favorite, Buddy Bickford. Oh, just a minute. He asked me to introduce him in

following manner.

Presenting... Hollywood's biggest star. And here he is.

I'm Lassie, Hollywood's biggest star.

Let's get out of here.

Nobody laughed.

Nobody laughed.

Raise your hand, those of you who didn't laugh.

Gentlemen, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Here's a gentleman come all

way from New York just to be funny for you.

I'll show some respect.

Right ahead, Mr. Pickford. Be funny.

Be funny.

Kill him.

Hey, fellas.

You hear about the scientist who crossed a porcupine with an octopus?

He got a broom with eight handles.

A broom with eight handles.

Is that it?

Oh, that was very funny. So now that was funny and none of you laughed. You

especially, Pat Bailey. You were especially glum. Now, why?

He wasn't funny.

Well, of course he wasn't funny. Does everybody walking in this barracks have

be funny?

The man came to see you. He could at least show some respect. He's a guest.

Now, you go right ahead, Mr. Fitz. I think they're warm now, sir. They're

now.

All right, one more. Now, you pay attention and laugh.

The minute the joke is through, you laugh.

You will tell us when it's through, won't you, sir? Tell you when I'm

I'm through right now. Buddy, don't give up. Give me your thought. It never

fails.

Hey, fellas, did you hear about the farmer down the road?

He fired his milking helper. Wanted to take things into his own hands.

He wanted to take... Well... Is that it?

Oh, it's not the boy's fault this time. You promised me you would tell me when

it was true, sir. Oh, no.

You can't blame them. You distinctly promised you would tell me when it was

true, sir. Oh, this is too much for my psychiatrist.

Now, give them another chance. I think they're starting to breathe heavy, so

more joke will put it right.

Oh,

no. This is too much. Let's get out of here. Oh, no. Get a hold of yourself,

buddy. These guys are a bunch of deadheads. A lot of fellas down at the

day room waiting to see you. Especially two sergeants.

Ritchick and Grover, they're dying to meet you. Yeah? They laughed when we

showed them your empty car.

They did?

Yeah. Good. Let's go.

That's it. That's a splendid idea.

Grover and Richard are tremendous fans of Corporal Henshaw. Will you take him

the day room? Take him by the... Shotgun. Yes, Sergeant.

You see him? Do you see him? No, but his writer said that they're going to bring

him here.

Hey, did you see his empty car?

Wasn't it funny?

I hope he says, I did, he did, he did.

Hey, Ernie. Hey, Ernie. Ernie, did you see Buddy Bickford yet?

Boy, I want to apologize to you. Apologize for what?

I apologize for having ever said anything mean about Buddy Bickford.

matter? Boys, I just found out something that... What'd you find out?

Boys, he's come here to entertain us. Yeah. In spite of the fact that... But

what is it? What is it? Boys, he's just got a week to live.

Would you believe that? Oh, no.

Oh, poor Buddy. No, no, no. Don't do that.

He won't want that. Don't let him know you know.

Greet him with smiles.

And even though I happen to know, his tombstone has been ordered for a week.

Has it? With a simple inscription...

I deedy, deedy did.

Boys, no. Don't give in to your emotions.

Don't let him know you'll be here any minute. Smile. Don't let him know you

know. Smile at him. Smile.

Well, fellas, I promised to meet him, and here he is. This is Sergeant

and Sergeant Grover. Hiya, fellas.

I'm really glad to meet you. I really mean it. I deedy, deedy do. I deedy,

do.

Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. I'm ready.

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

No, no, the army idea's out.

Buddy just won't go for it.

How's that?

Buddy, Buddy, you want to talk to him?

No, no, no, Mr. Bigby, don't worry. We'll think of something else on the way

home. All right, bye -bye.

Don't worry, Buddy. We'll come up with a real blockbuster for you. Buddy, we'll

pack and we'll see you later.

Excuse me, you gentlemen all have a staff car? Yeah, it's waiting.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

What's the matter, Mr. Bigby? You got the blues?

Don't worry. I'd shoot out my platoon real good. I told them about popular

behavior. The least they could have done was laugh.

Why should they laugh? I'm not funny. You're not funny. Come on. You're the

funniest guy in the world. I am? So how come nobody laughed?

Well, let's face it, Mr. Dickman. Those jokes you were telling, we heard those

years ago.

Years ago? My writers just wrote them.

Look, I happen to have a television situation comedy idea ready. Everybody

writes a comedy show. I'm telling you, the boys were screaming at this at the

barracks. What boys?

My boys, the platoon.

Your boys in your platoon can laugh? I wish you'd look at this. There it is.

Just look. Give it a glance.

Andrew Armstrong, tree surgeon?

Oh, about that.

That's funny. Where did you get to the tree part?

The tree? Oh, yes.

Fifteen different type trees. One funnier than the next one.

Trees are funny?

Well, trees are not funny within themselves, but what are trees made out

Wood?

Wood is funny?

That's what is funny. You must have known that.

Everybody's laughing at wood?

Everybody's laughing. Oh, look.

One year they laughed when you mentioned Brooklyn.

I don't know why everybody laughed.

Then one year it was chopped liver, and then years ago it was dee -dee -dee -dee

-doo. And now they're laughing at Woods? You knew that all. You're kidding me.

Oh, no.

Wood is the funniest as wood, man. You must... Oh, come on. You must mingle

the public. You know that.

Well, sure, I mingle with the public every week. 20 million people watch me.

I see. On your way to the... In the subway, you talk to the people and...

no. I have a limousine.

Oh. I guess when you get to the studio, you talk to the audience, you get that

pulse. No, only the crew is there.

Really? Oh, I guess when you get home from work, you go out to those land, all

the different places. No, I go nowhere. I go right home. I'm beat.

This has been going on for eight years.

No wonder you're out of touch. No wonder you don't know what's funny anymore.

You mean everybody is laughing at what?

What is the funniest, man?

Come on, I'll show you. Yes, I got it. I'll show you.

I want you to meet my boy.

Here they come. Now, you know what to do. Yeah.

Come on, Mr. Bickford. Don't be afraid. Come on in.

Come on.

All right.

Now, let's use that jolly friend of ours, Mr. Bickford. That's great. All

fellas. Go on.

From any place? Any place at all. Just at random.

Anything? Go on. Go on.

Mahogany?

Did he say mahogany?

What'd I say? What'd I say? That's one better.

Nutty pie?

on the chair because this will knock you right off your feet. Listen to this.

It's a situation comedy show built around me. I'm a tree surgeon.

A tree surgeon? Don't you get it? There isn't one on the air yet. I'll be the

first one. I'll have to jump on them all. What are you talking about? Quiet,

quiet. Listen to this.

You ready? Here it comes.

Mahogany.

95.

Oh, I get it. You guys are giving me the fees bit because you didn't write it.

Are you crazy?

Crazy? I'm being funny, man. What? What?

What's so funny about Wood? That's what you don't know. You haven't been

mingling with the public. Get out of the way from your swimming pool and your

big limousines. Get out and mingle with the public and you'll find what they're

laughing at. Wood, that's what they're laughing at, man. They're laughing at

Wood. They're laughing at Wood?

Yeah. I'll call his analyst. You'll call him.

The first time in my life I got something going for me. But Wood. Wood,

man. Funny. It's funny Wood.

You don't believe me.

Come with me. You remember those two fellas who were crying?

Ritchick and Grover? They'll be laughing. Come with me.

But he's going to live. He's going to live.

Our buddy's pulling through.

His life was saved by this magnificent doctor, Dr. Wood.

He owes his life to this Dr. Wood. Dr. Wood. Buddy is so grateful.

Every time he mentions the word Wood, he wants people to rejoice with him. You

can understand how happy he is. If you care about your old pal, whenever he

anything that sounds like Wood, rejoice with him. Laugh with him. We will.

We will. We'll laugh with him. Yeah, Wood.

Hello, Mr. Beckwith.

Mahogany. Mahogany!

Weeping willow. Weeping willow.

Hey, instead of my dee -dee -dee -dee -dooey switch, do I woody woody what?

I had to come all the way from New York to find that you fellas had gone

completely out of your minds. But, Clemson, this is funny.

Wood, you're out of touch.

The public's laughing at Wood. I know what the public is laughing at. They're

laughing at Gleeson, Jack Penny, Les Skelton, and those guys aren't talking

about Wood. They're just funny.

You mean this guy just talked me into this? He certainly did.

And you guys, two of the smartest guys in the business, and you let an ordinary

sergeant flimflam you into thinking Ward is funny.

Now, that is funny.

I've never heard anything like that. When I tell the boys... What is it? What

it? That's it. That's your new character, buddy. What character?

Bilko, a finagling sergeant in the army who can talk people into anything.

And the way he talks...

He made the platoon not laugh at me. And then he switched me and he made me buy

this piece.

That's me, Mr. Biffy in New York.

Boys, this is it. Oh, what a beautiful character. I can sink my teeth into

I'll wear glasses.

Platoon! I don't have a hair.

I don't believe that Ben and I have come up with such a completely unbelievable

character. Unbelievable? But this is based on a real character. You saw him.

It's that Sergeant Soko that drove you from the station. Hey, he's fantastic.

He can talk anybody now. Why, he's the smartest, the shrewdest operator in the

whole army. He is, eh?

Let me tell you this, boys.

This same Sergeant Bilko you're so hot on happens to be the most stupid, naive

character I've ever met. Stupid? Yes.

Who else but the most stupid man in the world would sell me the hottest

television property in years for only $1 ,000? I married a chiropodist.

The public laughing at feet, men. Feet.

Feet. Big feet. Small feet. Anything. May I interrupt you, sir? Would you mind

giving me cash instead of this check? I'd like to divide it amongst the boys.

Cash? Thank you very much.

Flat feet.

Archers.

Bunions.

On guard!

Also seen in tonight's cast were Dan Dayton as Buddy Bickford, Joey Ross as

Ritzik, James Little as Grover, Howard Petrie as Bigby, Cameron Andrews as

Whitley, and Dagmar as herself.