Original subtitles

of you selling the most tickets for our Mardi Gras this Saturday night, we have

selected you our queen of the very same Mardi Gras.

Ernie, nobody's interested.

What are you talking about? The crown just fits you. Well, it should. I want

often enough.

I've been Miss Mesquite and it's three -day pass, it's guided missile, it's

weather balloon.

Oh, you're just on a lucky streak.

Well, I was silly enough to think that some of those promises of a gay mad

evening were true.

Well, what about my Mother's Day dance that everybody's talking about?

had fun?

That's fun. We all had to dance with our mothers.

Oh, come on, look.

Just get a few tickets. Everybody will follow you. No, I'm tired of being a

dog to every phony dance that you put on. But, honey, I'm offering you a

Well, give it to Grace Kelly. Now, look, that's not the way to act.

Stop!

Oh, Sergeant Vilco, it's you.

You did it again.

What did I do? You dropped in. A pebble of beauty in a sea of drabness. Oh,

Sergeant Vilco, I'm just... It's a plain old colonel's wife.

Plain. My dear, calling you plain is like calling Marilyn Monroe raw bone.

The costume's arrived.

What costume?

What costume?

Didn't anybody tell... Well, never mind. I ordered it. Lovely hoop skirt, a long

blonde curl.

Hoop? Yes, it's for my affair Saturday night.

It's the Hello Young Lovers dance, the festival that I honor.

Dolly and James Madison.

Oh, it'll be lovely.

You and the hookers swirling around, leading the minuet, and the colonel in

periwig and satin -kneed breeches. Oh, here you are, dear.

Here are ten tickets. Don't pay me now. Pay whenever you want. See you, husband.

Well,

well, the dancers are now the gaiety of it. Buy your tickets, girl. Think of it.

The mad, mad minuet. Ah, Madame du Barry.

Well, ah, Marie Antoinette. Ah, Colonel Hall.

There he is, Wilhelm.

you, sir. Bilko, my wife tells me I owe you money for tickets.

Oh, sir, there's a mistake. Those tickets should have been marked

sir. I'll fix that. Take them back. But, sir, they're your tickets. Please, sir,

you're to be James and Dolly Madison.

Take them back. Really, John, Sergeant Bilko is giving them to us for nothing.

Nothing? It's another Bilko gimmick to sell tickets. To sell tickets? They'll

come by busloads to see me doing the minuet and white curls.

Sir, it never crossed my mind, sir.

Well, something's crossed my mind.

I've had enough of these complaints about your phony affairs.

But, sir, I'm just trying to be in a festive mode into that drab life here.

Bilko, as of now, I take back permission to use the record.

A record, sir, is the foundation of my entertainment plan for the men. Bilko,

let the army take care of the entertainment.

Oh, is Bill Mabankian our all -soldier review coming through again, sir?

Bilko, no more dances, no more tickets. Let's file.

Yes, sir.

Really, John, I... No!

Too bad, and you'd look so lovely doing the minuet.

Oh, wait, wait.

John! No!

The carnival lets you use the rec hall?

Well, that brings the Belko social season to a grinding halt. Why? Why do

things happen to me when I'm so desperate for money? Sarge, if you're

desperate, there's $200 in the platoon welfare fund. Sure, just explain to the

platoon that you need the money. Well, first I'll explain to the platoon that I

already took the money. You took the money?

This proposition came along. The horse was 50 to one. If you don't want it, I'd

have bought the boys a swimming pool. I've got to get the tickets. I've got to

get that money back in the welfare fund. Sarge, you've got to give them

something for that money. What? What? You've got to have an attraction.

Big time entertainment.

Stars. Stars.

You forget we're in the middle of Kansas. Who comes here?

Japanese Beatles and dust from Oklahoma.

Hey, Sarge, how come other camps get movie stars to entertain them?

How come?

I'll tell you why I'll come. Because all the big camps are either in New York or

Hollywood, which is where all the stars are.

What stars do we get in Kansas? If they're in Kansas, they're flying 18

feet above, going someplace.

What do you want me to do, shoot them down?

Right. Right, look.

Tallulah Bank starts rehearsal in New York. See that? New York. Tony Curtis in

Hollywood to start shooting new film.

Hollywood. New York. When the shooting of his new picture comes to an end, Bing

Crosby is motoring from Hollywood to New York to TV appearances. You know what I

mean? It's New York and Hollywood. Tito Gazzara is leaving Albany. Wait a

minute. What was that last item?

No, no, no, the other one. Bing Crosby is motoring from Hollywood to New York.

Motoring? That means he's got to pass through Kansas. Sarge, do you think...

always thinking.

Get the posters ready.

Sargeant E. Bilko presents Bing Crosby.

Mr. Crosby? Yes? There's a collect call from Roseville, Kansas.

Fort Baxter.

Collect? Oh, it must be Gary. He's been transferred.

It's on seven.

Hello? Do I have the extreme pleasure of speaking to Mr. Everett Crosby, sir?

This is Sergeant Bilko, and congratulations.

I know Bing was tremendously thrilled with the honor, but believe me, he

deserved it. Honor?

What honor?

Good heavens, hasn't it reached the California papers yet? I am privileged

tell you that the soldiers of Fort Baxter have voted Bing Crosby the

Discovery of the Year.

Singing Discovery?

Some soldiers in Kansas have voted Bing the Singing Discovery of the Year.

That's cute.

Thank you so much, Sergeant.

Thank you. And when can we expect Mr. Crosby? What is the exact day he'll be

here to accept the award in person?

In person?

Yes, we understand he's motoring east. He'll have to come through Topeka,

Kansas. Fort Batch is only 35 miles out of the way.

Oh, Sergeant, I'm so sorry.

He's making this trip strictly for a rest.

He can make no personal appearances.

If there's anything else we can do... Yes, sir. Can we have a picture of Mr.

Crosby? Of course they want a picture of Bing. That's cute.

Of course, Sergeant. We'll send one.

And so, may we have that picture life -sized, please?

Life -sized?

Yes. You see, we're all going overseas.

And we like to see that picture on the dock as our boat pulls away from the

native shores of the land we love so much, taking us thousands of miles away

defend the country we love. The last thing we'll see is a picture of our idol

who wouldn't go 35 miles out of his way to say goodbye to us. Now, when do we

expect the picture?

Now, wait a minute, Sergeant. Just a minute.

Will you make that picture in color so it will burn into our memories? Well,

goodbye, sir, and thank you very much.

Don't hang up, Sergeant.

Get me Bing. Get me Bing.

Well, I think it was a direct hit.

When I did the bit about going away from the native shore, I heard heavy

breathing.

Look, Bing, it's just 35 miles out of the way. It's a breeze.

Imagine your picture on that dock as that boat pulls away.

They're probably going to use it for target practice.

You must, Bing. You've got to do it.

Oh, good, good, Bing.

Oh, you're going to do it. That's cute.

Hello, Sergeant.

Yes, Mr. Crosby?

He'll be here?

Saturday? Thank you so very much.

He's coming.

Get some posters printed. Sergeant E. Bilko presents Bing Crosby. Gee, Sarge,

was wonderful of Bing. I told you the bigger they are, they've got to do it.

Say, we've got to do something nice for Bing.

Tell you what, go on the posters you make. Make his mane as big as mine.

like that.

Hello, you ladies and khaki. Hi.

What is it now, Ernie? Just the duty roster.

Oh, Joan.

Would you make out a visitor's pass for me, please?

Yeah, this friend is coming to stay with me for a day or so. I guess he'll be

comfortable here.

Visitor's name?

Oh, it's right here on this telegram.

So it says, we'll arrive Friday.

That's his name right there.

Bing Crosby. I guess I'll have one of the boys put in a cot. He should be

comfortable there.

Take this to the colonel and have it signed. Thank you very much.

Bing Crosby!

Bing Crosby!

Please, sir!

Quiet! Quiet! What's going on here?

What's going on here?

Get back to your work! What are you doing here?

Oh, excuse me, sir.

if you're trying to promote one of your phony affairs.

Well, sir, how can I when the recreation hall is closed to me, sir? Good. Now

get back to work. Oh, excuse me, sir. Would you sign this visitor's pass,

please? Hurry up. What is it?

Permission granted for visitor Bing Crosby, Friday the 12th.

Well, there you are.

Now get back to work. Thank you very much, sir.

Stand back. You want to be trampled?

Bing Crosby!

Bing Crosby!

Bing Crosby's coming here to Port Tractor? Well, sir, you just gave me

permission. Please, sir, I know you're an Elvis Presley fan, but Bing's got as

much...

I promise you, I'll keep him out of the way. He won't bother anybody, sir. Never

mind. Sir, if he starts to sing, I'll lock the window. Believe me, sir. You'll

lock the window? If Bing sings, we're all going to hear him in the recreation

hall. The recreation hall? But, sir, you said I could... I said, when do you

ever take anything I say seriously? Sir, you're way too flawed to me, sir.

Oh, never mind.

Well, I'll tell Bing not to come. Oh, Briscoe, why can't you just make a show

out of it all? You know, you're very good at that. You're wonderful.

Thank you very much, sir. I never thought of it that way. But, sir, I'll

time. I have to print for... The list of the tickets and all the arrangements at

the rec hall, sir. We'll see how fast you can get it done.

Yes, sir.

Bing sings it back, sir. At the recreation hall, two dollars a ticket.

That's as fast as I can do it, sir.

All right, keep that line moving, please.

Two tickets for the Bing Crosby show. Two tickets for the Bing Crosby show.

Thank you. Two tickets for my Robert Fulton birthday ball.

Two tickets for the hats off to the U .N. dance.

That'll be $12.

$12? Yes, it's a subscription plan.

But I don't want these other tickets.

Next! I'll take it. It's not government, sir. All right.

Reload them and check them out. Take care of them. How did you do?

$14 .80. All right. Check them out. He went out with six Bing Crosby pork pie

hats at a dollar a piece.

Checks. Ten Bing Crosby pipes, 50 cents.

That checks.

One dozen welcome Bing balloons, 10 cents each.

Wait a second. You're 20 cents short.

I broke two of the balloons.

It'll come out of your commission.

Is it all right if I put ten whacks in one section?

Okay, but they'll have to sign the non -squealing oak.

Give me something else to sell these. I like Bing buttons aren't moving. They

should move. What's the matter with you? At least paint them over. You can still

see where it says Ike.

All right.

Racco, give me those autographed pictures of Bing. The authentic

pictures. Tell them at a dollar, please. Watch it. The ink is still wet. On a

dollar.

Here's the money. Here's the $20. Now, do I get to do it? I gave you my word

upon it, didn't I? Gee, thanks.

Bronco, $20 from Grover. All right. Now, the deal is when Bing pulls up in his

car, you get to carry his golf club. I'll never forget you.

I've got to be big. I've got to be big. Put me down for $10. $10 for what? For

what you said. I get to shake Big Crosby's hand. Hold the phone just a

said $10 for an introduction.

To shake his hand is $50, it's $10 a finger, and you've got to take the whole

hand. None of those two -finger handshakes. Oh, I have a heart to go.

idol of the silver screen.

For my $10, maybe I could jostle a little bit. No jostling. He's a very

man. If you can't buy the whole deal, buy nothing. Now, Sarge, Sarge, a

Union boy just delivered this telegram for you. Telegram? Yeah, it's from

Hollywood. Maybe it's from me.

From me? Hey, hey, hey, baby, I can trust the awful awful fight awful. Go

What is it, Sarge? Please, please.

You fellas act like you're on this as personal as me.

What is it, Sarge?

Oh, that big. He's a scream.

He wants permission to bring his brother with him.

All right, boys. We've got to get out of the way. Lock the window. Lock the

window? Lock the window. All right, boys. That's it for today. We've got a

day. On your way. All right. Out. Out.

Out.

Out. Out.

Out.

Out.

Maybe my wife could do his laundry.

We did it, Sarge.

Five hundred and sixty dollars.

Five hundred and sixty dollars. Sarge, this is the biggest deal yet.

Biggest deal yet.

Sarge, Sarge, what's the matter?

Just a little detail is wrong.

He's not coming.

He's not coming!

Retakes our picture, necessitates canceling motor trip. Must fly to New

Regret I cannot be with you, Bing.

Terrible! What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

There's this panic.

Things happen. We face the emergency. What are we going to do?

I don't know what you're going to do.

I'm going to kill him right now.

What? What?

What do we do?

They're going to want the money refunded.

$560.

It's not the principal. It's the money.

Sarge, he just ain't coming.

He's got to come. I've got to get that $200 back into the welfare fund. But,

Sarge, what are we going to do?

He's got to come. Take a wire. Make instructions on the wire that Western

boys can deliver it on a Tanzanese.

Hey, dear Bing.

A thousand souls awaiting and the life of one soldier that stink.

You must come, Bing. You must.

Anything come in yet? Not a thing.

But look, I said three telegrams. It's midnight. I'm sorry. I have to close up

now. But there must be the answer to three telegrams. One telegram must have

come in. I'm checking out, Miss Rollins. Okay, Chester. Look, fellas, I'm sorry.

I just have to close now. Miss, please, I implore you. It's a matter of life and

death. Just one more telegram, please.

Well, all right. If you hurry it up. Thank you. I'd better make this one.

Dear Bing.

A gallant soldier's life is... You send singing telegrams, don't you? Yes, we

do. Make this a crying telegram, do you hear me?

A gallant soldier's life is... You know, I don't even like him. Where's she

going? I'm sorry, I have to go home. Lock up for me, will you, Tess? Sure,

just one telegram. One telegram. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I'm not allowed to. I know,

Lordy, thank you. No, sir, I... One telegram. Who's it to?

Bing Crosby, Hollywood, California.

I've got to make this one real powerful. Excuse me, sir.

What was that name again? Bing, Bing. Bing Crosby. Bing Crosby. If I can make

real powerful.

Is that his first name?

I ain't got enough trouble. I've got to run into the local joker here.

I'm sorry, sir, but I've never heard of him.

You're kidding.

Leading celebrity in the world. You've seen him a thousand times in the movies

and on television.

I'm sorry.

What's he look like? What does he look like? He looks like you. What does he

look like? Is that those kind of ears? Got the same shape eyes? He wears the

kind of hat that you would wear his...

Lock the door.

What? What?

They're home.

What's happening?

It's a break from heaven. He looks like him. He's a ringer for us. Sarge, you'll

never get away with it. What are you talking about? They never seem to be in

person. This is a sin. You're going to put him on the stage to say that that is

Bing Crosby? Take a look at him. Look at him.

Is he a ringer or not? Oh, but Sarge, what are you talking about?

Sarge, would you come here a minute, please?

Me? Just for a minute.

Come here.

You know what you're here for?

No, sir. You're going to make $100.

$100? For doing what? Does it make any difference?

It doesn't make any difference, no.

Good boy. All you have to do is entertain a little. Oh, just that.

I've done quite a good deal of entertaining.

Where did you entertain?

At our church socials. And it's clean, too. I was worried the way you accepted

it.

Very good. But what do you do when you entertain?

The Wreck of the Hesperus by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

It was the schooner Hesperus that sailed the winter seas.

And the skipper had taken his little daughter to bear him company. Quiet!

We got to do a lot of work here. I got to work on them real good. Get me some

sports shirts. Very loud. Hawaiian shirt, a pike, pork pie hat. We'll work

them real good. Let me handle it.

Now, just relax.

Now, you must dance a little.

No, I don't. Do you sing?

No. What do you do?

It was the school. No, no, no.

Now, as I told you, one of his biggest records was Beautiful Dreamer. Let me

hear you do it.

Beautiful... No, what are you doing, Dennis Day?

Crosby, be a little... Beautiful dreamer. But I don't know the words.

what do you think... Let me hear it. Beautiful dreamer. No, you've got to get

low. There, wake up. Show them.

Beautiful dreamer.

Hear that? Let me hear it.

Beautiful dreamer.

No, it's too good.

Yes, yes. Do it again.

Get that?

No,

give it a real catch.

Think like you've got a pipe in your mouth, you know, like there's a pipe.

Give me a handkerchief.

That's good. I can't hear him now. It's very good.

I'm sorry. I can't go through with it. I've got to go. Wait a minute. You made

deal. You're going to get $100. Now, this is a... You just listen to me. I'm

worried. What are you...

Let's leave him for a minute for 24 hours. Understand, constant guard duty

him until he gets into the recreate. We're going to put this over. You, you.

No, no.

Stay with him. Watch him for 24 hours. Now, we take it from the beginning.

Friends, we have to sell these programs before the show can start.

Merchants have taken ads here. We want things!

We want things! All right, all right. I acquiesce to your demands. All right,

Goldman, I'm sorry. How many programs do you have left?

500. So what? You'll take a little loss.

All right. Hey, friends, the show is just about to go on, and may I remind

this is just the beginning of many high -class social events that will take

place here from week to week. Next week, my Robert Fulton birthday ball.

We want big!

We want big!

I can understand your enthusiasm.

In just a few moments, the show will be on.

Where's Chester? Are we going to get away with it, sir? Oh, they're so

I'll never know the difference. Where's Chester? With Rocco. Good boy.

Rocco!

Sarge, Sarge, I'm worried.

Don't worry. It's going to be with Chester. With Henshaw. Good boy. Now,

I'll catch you.

Where's Chester? With him.

He ain't with me. I don't know where he is.

Don't just stay with him every minute. Find him. Look in his bedroom. Go to his

house. Look in the west. Go on. I'll try to stop you.

We want B.

We want B.

Hey, Sarge.

Do I give him the flowers before he sings or after? Bless you.

Bless you, because I need you. I need somebody to open the shortest stall

Bing is ready. I'll get you. Now, wait a minute.

You used to dance, didn't you?

Yeah, I did. Bing is dying to see you dance. Bing is here.

Thank you very much. You know

how excited you are. In one moment, Bear Bingo will be on the stage.

Well, but like the great star he is, you know, they got it right in here. What

do you think? I'll tell him.

What do you think he said to me? He'd like to see some of our own local towns.

You never know who you'll discover. You know how he is. And so I persuaded one

of our own boys, a trooper to the end.

Corporal Sam Prender's going to do a little dance. Let's see you all, sir.

Isn't that sweet? I know I'm imposing on you, but Bing is in the wings. Thank

you, Jim. He's going to do a little dance. Oh, there'll be no dance.

Sergeant, but Chester's house. His mother says she ain't seen him all day.

What did Chester do?

Nothing, lady, nothing.

Sergeant, I looked through the basement. He had a gall over. I don't know where

he is. Chester's a good boy. Yes, ma 'am. What should I do?

Find him.

Find him!

How about that attitude? Oh, no, hold that hand a minute. I have something to

say.

I got news for you, buddy.

You never thought Bing loved you? Yes.

And what do you think he said? Like the great showman he is? He wants another

chorus. Dance.

Hello, Sarge? I'm at the movies. I went through every seat. He's not here.

Did you look at the drive -in movies?

Rocco covered that. He went through every car. He's been slapped silly.

I'm going to try the cemetery.

He's got to be somewhere.

Well, listen.

Find him.

Find him. Fender's starting to faint.

This is true when they talk about the grand old days.

Doc said I would have been proud of this boy.

I'll tell him. I'll tell him, baby.

What do you think big happened? He got a long -distance call from Hollywood.

He's on the phone spraying his phone. Doc, you know what he personally asked

to do? He says, would you do another call?

Doc,

we're at the Western Union office. We can't find them.

Well, what do you want us to do? We can't find them. Excuse me. Doc, we

them. We found them.

I've changed my mind. You've changed your mind? Yes. It's dishonest and

deceitful, and I'm not going to do it. I'm checking in, Miss Rollins. Did you

ever?

Did you ever?

Ray, Ray, I want to tell you, I'm proud to serve under a trooper. A trooper,

that's what this man... I'll tell him, then. I'm not the chorus. Dad!

Okay, stop.

The woman you've all been waiting for, stop. In a high air.

I promise you, he's here. Bing Crosby and his honor guard.

Let's hear it.

Thank you, but I promise something to my friend.

Don't you?

Good old Bing, it's good. How about a few little notes, Bing, for the book?

are you?

Ow! Look at him, casual.

Is he casual?

I... What does that mean? Oh, it's all right. Just that you're here is enough.

And so, folks, good night. And when you drive home, drive carefully. The life

you save... Wait a minute. We've been... I will not stand for any rabble

-rousing in this house. We want our money back!

We want our money back!

We want our money back! I want one person. Show me one person in this

with courage enough... Get that man out! He's an imposter, sir.

He's an imposter. No, off. Off, I want. No amateurs on it.

You're not going to force any local favorites on me. This is a stage for

professional people. When Bean came here, this...

You think

Crosby?

I'm not too sure myself right now.

It's Pink.

It's Pink Crosby!

When I promise you, when I promise you something to it... Bing, you came. You

came! Oh, Bilko, when I make a promise, I deliver.

Are they big in here? Like I told you, are they... I'm sorry about this,

imposter. I was duped. He came to me with credentials.

He had a racing for me. He had four kids following. Must be a powerful tank.

I'll skip your big page. You'll be bored.

Bing, they're here and they're waiting for you, Bing. The orchestra knows

anything you want. From Sweet Leilani way back to the old. Well, no, Bilko, I

thought I'd like to do something. This is a rather momentous occasion.

special.

No, but it's just in here. In here they get you when they're big.

Something special for us. How about that? Yeah!

I just thought something, you know, a little outstanding.

Outstanding? The orchestra knows anything you want, Bing. They'll fake

this, I would require this. It's a little, little, little different. Bing,

stage is yours. Thank you, Bilker. Hmm.

Buzz the schooner has first.

The sail, the wimpy sea.

The skipper, he stood beside the helm. Get those shoes back on.

Right ahead. Right ahead. He watched, he watched the bearing's claws explode.

Oh, there'll be no refunds. No refunds. I mean, that thing, it's lovely.

The pipe... Also seen in tonight's cast were Elizabeth Frazier as Sergeant

Hogan, Pope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and John Doran as the Western Union

messenger.