Original subtitles

Well, all except one, sir. I wonder which one that is. it be.

Please don't be too hard on Sergeant Bilko.

Yesterday he got word that his favorite Uncle Felix had passed away.

His uncle? You mean he had one left?

But this time it's true, sir. He even broke a date with me last night so he

could be alone.

Maybe that explains why he's a little behind on his report. A little behind?

hasn't even reported Pearl Harbor yet.

Send for my jeep. Oh, excuse me, sir. Sergeant Bilko said that your jeep is

still being given its 5 ,000 mile checkup. Every time I want my jeep, he's

giving it a check.

If we went into battle...

I'd be the only commanding officer who had to lead his troops in a taxi cam.

When you see him, tell him I want to talk to him. Yes, I will.

Hi, Joan.

Check out these growth prerequisites for me, would you please? Okay.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, I can't take those all -night poker sessions with Bilko anymore.

Wait a minute.

Ernie was in a poker game last night?

Are you kidding? He was the whole game.

And a deck of cards in his hands is like a guided missile.

Oh, Miss Sergeant Ritzing, the Patricia Borgia of the armed forces. Go,

sorcerer. Mix your pots and pans.

Well, well, good morning. Oh, no, don't look at me. I forgot my sunglasses.

Your blinding beauty is just too much for me.

How are you, dear?

Ah, it's quiet around here.

I'm just observing a moment of silence for the memory of your dear Uncle Felix.

Uncle who?

Uncle Felix, yes.

How touching.

He was like a brother to me. Oh, don't you lie to me. Lie?

Ernie Bilbo, you look me straight in the eye and you tell me that your Uncle

Felix died yesterday.

I didn't say he died yesterday. Why do you twist everything I say around?

I merely say I heard about it yesterday.

As a matter of fact, my uncle died in 1914.

I was just a kid then. And my folks wanted to keep it from me until I was

enough to stand a shot.

Well, here's another shot for you. I don't want to see you again. Oh, wait a

minute, Johnny. Let me explain. You say you're explanation to the Colonel. He

wants to see you.

What?

He wants to see me. Now what?

This is Colonel Hall. When a catchy cab comes up to the gate, let him through.

It's for me.

Colonel Hall, sir, did you want to see me, sir?

Oh, Sergeant Bilko, aren't you up a little early? It's only 11 .30. Oh,

sir? Did the noise of honest soldiers working wake you up? Oh, really?

Give me a leader with a sense of humor. There are so few, you have to go way

back to Alexander the Great. Quiet!

Yes, sir.

I've reached a big decision.

I've decided to relieve you of the command of this post and take over

Oh, really, sir? I do the best I can.

Oh, you're pulling my legs, sir. He's constantly chuckling me along.

Oh, I don't believe I've had the pleasure. Oh, come now, Sergeant.

Colonel, you didn't tell me there was a major film company on location here at

Fort Baxter, sir? Here it comes. I'd like to meet Miss Taylor, or is it

Elizabeth to you, sir? Oh, don't stop it.

Oh, bless my soul, it's Mrs. Hall.

Oh, my dear, if you get any younger, we'll be losing you now. Just press me.

Quiet! Are you going to the locker room festival with the other kids with the

blue suede shoes? Oh, you'll be there. Quiet!

Yes, sir.

Here we go. I want no more interruptions. Yes, sir.

If you can spare the time, I'd like to discuss some military matters with you.

Spare the time? Really, sir? My time is your time.

Remember him? My time. He's sort of really bad. Oh, that was way before your

time. You would... That's what your mother told you about. He works for the

megaphone. He sings... Get there.

My Jeep has been in your shop for three weeks. Why?

May I ask the Colonel his age?

What does my age have to do with the fact that I never see my Jeep? It's

this, sir.

You have the legs of a young man in his twenties.

Legs of steel and yet with the spring of a young panther. And why, sir?

Because you do more walking than any other colonel in the United States Army.

I know I do. Now you're going to.

Until your reports are up to date, until my chief is fixed, I forbid you the use

of any military vehicle.

But, sir, I'm due in town.

Walk. Walk?

You know my leg, the shrapnel that I was in. Last week it was your other leg.

My leg?

Oh, Johnny's poor leg.

You'll walk?

Walk. Yes, sir.

You are sweet. Really sweet.

Taxi for Grand Hall?

Let's go.

Yes, Colonel.

Got the nuts and candy? Yeah. Good. That helps the losers forget. I broke out a

new deck and I got the chips ready. Fine, fine.

Well, where are my pigeons?

Grover and Pendleton are asleep and Ritzik's wife won't let them out. Oh,

whole night in front of me with nothing to do. I got to go.

How about you guys? Sarge. Look, I'll play blindfold and make it even, all

right? Sarge, we've got to get up in the morning. Up. You get some sleep, Ernie.

Sleep at 10 o 'clock at night, Sarge.

Oh, nuts.

Sleep, sleep.

Not a light.

One that the gods want to play. I bet a man.

Sleep.

Yeah.

Might as well take a crack at the sun.

Who am I kidding? I can't sleep this early.

Sure, everybody's asleep but me. Can't sleep, eh, Ernest?

Who said that? I did.

Where did you come from? I've always been here.

You have?

Yes, Ernest, I'm your conscience.

My conscience? Why, haven't I heard from you before?

I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

There I was in your head, trying to warn you, hollering, shouting, but you never

heard me.

Is that what that was?

I thought it was a sinus condition.

Why can't I sleep?

Because your mind is so busy scheming to outwit your colonel. And he's a

wonderful man, Ernest. I know, I know. I try to treat him like an equal.

And how about Joan?

Joan? Yes, you've been going with her for five years. Have you once brought up

the subject of marriage?

Oh, yes.

Not in front of her, but I've brought it up.

Ernest, here, look. Look at your platoon out there.

All of them sleeping like babies because they're honest, hard -working soldiers.

Why don't you be like them? Let me help you to become an honest human being

again. Yes, an honest human being. Don't listen to him, Ernie. Who's that?

Who are you? I'm your ego. My ego?

Yeah, glad to see you. Glad to see you.

That's it, so there's what you really are.

And you?

I'm what you think you are. Not bad, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Ernest, don't listen to him. Beat it, square.

I'm not listening.

As long as he made the trip, I'll just pretend I'm listening. Ernest! Quiet!

Please, please.

Now, look, pal, what are you worried about, huh?

You're doing all right. I am? Sure.

Well, you buttered up that colonel, huh? Buttered up his old lady. Funny, funny.

You like that, huh? I dug it all the way. You dug it real good, huh? And the

you took the colonel's cab?

Yeah. Good boy.

Ernest, don't listen to him. Oh, please, please.

Now, listen, as far as this girl of yours, Joan, is concerned...

Now, keep stringing her along, see, but no marriage, huh? Oh, it's the furthest

thing from my mind. Good boy. Ernest, listen.

Please, I'm not. Now, listen, as far as dames in general are concerned, you know

you can do a lot better. I can?

Look at me good. Yeah?

There's a hot hook of stuff dancing down at the Silver Palace in town.

Yeah? Ernest, please, I'm not listening. I'm working on her for you. You are?

Let me tell you how she's built. How, how, how? Ernest, don't listen. How,

how, how? Look.

It's going to take a little money.

Money. But I get a lot of slick gimmicks. He will shake it loose from

petunia. For shame, for shame. He'll take them for every dime. Take them. Oh,

leave him alone, you fiend. Leave him alone. I didn't make a square out of

Leave me alone.

Sarge, leave me alone.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? Oh, it's you. I want you to meet two fellas.

Where are they? Who?

Never mind. Sarge, you must have had a nightmare. Why don't you go to sleep?

no, no. I can't sleep. I want to talk to you. Sit down a minute. I must talk to

you. Sarge, we've got a big day tomorrow. Yeah, we've got to help

move off the post. Captain Adams? Yeah, you know, the post psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? Yeah, the head doctor.

He requested a transfer. Said he didn't have one case in a whole year. How about

that? How about that? Who needs him?

It's okay.

Listen, fellas, I'm going to help you move him in the morning. Oh, we don't

him. No, no, I got nothing to do. I can use the exercise. Go on, get in the

sack, fellas. See you in the morning. We'll help move the guy. Good night.

we leave in half an hour.

Yes, I'll pick you up.

Captain Adams, sir?

Sergeant Bilger reporting. We have a truck outside, sir. I'm all packed. Move

it, boys. Leave the couch. What side? Leave the couch. Just take the curtains.

Captain, I never had the pleasure of meeting you while you were on the post.

I've met hardly anyone on this post. That's why I'm leaving. Oh, isn't that

bad? Gently.

Handle that gently, boys.

That's precious instruments you're handling.

Captain, I have this friend of mine. He can't sleep a wink at night. He keeps

hearing voices. Voices? Yes, sir. And I think you referred to him as his

conscience and his ego. Project?

Oh, yes, sir. We'll have you moved in no time at all. So leave the couch.

Leave the couch.

Just take that truck.

Handle it carefully, boys. You may be handling scientific instruments worth a

fortune. This is not GI issue, Captain.

Careful now. Gently.

Yes, this friend of mine, his conscience and his ego keep pounding at him. Night

after night, he can't sleep a wink, sir. This friend of yours? Yes, sir. He's a

lovely fellow. Everybody loves him. I'd love to help him. Yes, I do hope you

like your new poster. Leave the couch. It's all right. Just wait outside in the

truck. I'll handle it. Yeah, but the couch... Just leave it. It's very heavy.

I'll take care of it. Leave it.

This friend of mine, he's the gentlest, the kindest fellow you ever met. This

friend of yours, who can't sleep?

Yes, sir. By any chance, would he be a master sergeant?

Does he wear glasses?

Oh, good heavens, sir, you thought I was... Oh, no, sir.

I'm as normal as Bruber every time.

You thought I was using a substance. Oh, no, sir. I'm rather just, as you see. I

need help!

Yes, sir. Now, I know that it's difficult to talk. Yes, sir. But I'm

help you, and I want you to remember that. Yes, sir. So you just tell me now

what it is that's troubling you. Well, sir, I have difficulty in talking to

people. But, sir, everybody out of post is against me. The colonel is against

me. He thinks I'm always goofing off in my work. And my girl over there has a

case for you. She doesn't believe a word I say. And I'm honest, you see. I'm a

homebody. I think she's been stringing me along. She never intended to get

married. I wanted to get married. And then the boys in the platoon, they're

constantly rejecting me. Anything I say, I give them all my affection, but they

reject me, sir. I guess they take advantage of me, account of my... father

complex, sir. Your father complex? Yes, sir. Don't you see, sir?

It's the id complex versus the libido, sir. When they're rejecting me, it's not

me they're rejecting, sir.

They're rejecting a dream image.

Freud said it in his thesis about the male element as rejection of the male

image, sir. Oh, I don't have to tell you about it so you know more about it. It

all came out in Freud's debate with Spinoza many years ago in Budapest.

came out with a theory that destroyed Schopenhauer's theory of the Oedipus

complex.

Spinoza himself, a devoted disciple of Schopenhauer, screamed at Freud. He

Zygmunt, you are insane!

Freud went right back and says, Barry, listen to me. I know what I'm saying.

Come on. We've seen the frustrations there. Freud came right out with the

theories that you mentioned.

We've talked about the sadism, the inner masochism. Now, you see her in Joan, an

inner masochism. She denies everything I say. She knows it's the truth. But in

her rejection, she reverts to masochism and denies everything I say. Why?

It's a rejection of me. I don't know where it came from, sir. Maybe before

was even born, her mother hated glasses.

I don't know, sir. But Freud said it. Freud came out with the theories. He

called us the incumbents. And it's manifestation in the rejection theory.

heterogeneity cycles, it's a bedlam of guilt. You see it on the posts of the

colonel and the men. The colonel salutes. The men salute.

Salute. Salute. What is that salute, sir? It's a symbol of insecurity. Don't

see what it says in essence?

It says, love me. I love you. Want me. I want you. In the bedlam of conflict.

The in -conflict versus the alter ego. The manifestation of the theories of the

heterogeneity cycle. It's as plain as the nose of my face, sir. I see it. Why

can't I sleep?

Now, Sergeant, I would say to begin with that you seem to have a compulsion to

exaggerate, to color the truth.

Exaggerate? I'm the essence of honesty, sir. Well, perhaps I could be wrong.

Yes, sir. Why don't we start at the beginning? Yes, sir.

Tell me, what time do you get up in the morning? Oh, like any other normal

soldier, sir. I'm up at the crack. The truth?

Noon. Noon.

And how do you get along with your fellow men? Oh, I get along fine. They

love me, sir. The truth?

They hate me.

Your girlfriend? She hates me.

About the colonel. He hates me, sir. I don't understand. You hate me. No, I

don't. Everybody hates me. I'd better call my wife. Your wife hates me. No,

Sergeant. They all hate me, sir. No, Sergeant, you could turn this hate into

love. I can't. Yes. Take me by the hand, Guy. Now,

Sergeant, you're a soldier.

Start living like a soldier. Yes, sir. Get up in the morning with your men. Get

up with the men. Do your job. I hear you.

And it's high, high here in the field. I'll tell you good morning, men.

That was Sergeant Bilko.

Sergeant Bilko. Six o 'clock in the morning.

It's over. You're still asleep.

Hey,

quiet, fellas. That was Bilko in there.

Bilko? Are you crazy? He splashed on me. I saw him.

Six o 'clock in the morning.

Hey,

it's Bilko, all right.

How could it be?

Everybody's staring. Well, it's not just that you're rough like everybody else.

Of course, it's a great feeling. I'm just another human being.

I know, and we're human beings too, but we've come to look upon you as some sort

of sun god.

That's a great feeling to be up in the morning. Boys, we've got a lot of work

do. I've got to fill out the reports. Take your time, but it's a full day's

work. Hey, hey, hey.

Field artillery.

What is he up to? He's up to something. He's up to something. But what? What?

Boys, we're in trouble.

I thought he was rather sweet.

Jerk. He's softening us up with something.

Yeah, but what? He's drained us out of all of the money, boys.

I think what we've been afraid of for these past few years is finally going to

happen. What's he going to do?

The only thing that's left.

He's going to sell us into slavery.

Good morning.

Take care of these reports, dear.

Ernie? Of course.

Just handing in my morning reports. Is there a law against that?

7 .30 in the morning and you're up? Well, of course, like any other master

sergeant. Why not? What do you think the army pays me for?

Well, I often wondered. I thought maybe you had something on the chief of staff.

I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it to be... It's all right, Joan. I deserved

But things are going to be different around here now.

How do you mean different? Different between you and I.

Did you ever think of investigating a little old American custom called

marriage? Marriage? Of course.

Ernie, you all right?

Better than I've ever been in my life.

See you in a minute.

Morning, Edna. You're looking lovely.

Ken Law?

Sergeant Bilko reporting, sir.

Oh, Bilko. I didn't realize it was so late. Time for lunch.

7 .30, sir.

My, the time certainly flew by this morning.

What did you say? I said it was 7 .30, sir.

7 .30?

My goodness, I must have worked through till dinner time.

Sir, sir, please, you don't understand.

It's 7 .30 a .m.

7 .30 in the morning and you're here?

Of course, sir.

Now, on these reports up in the motor pool, I thought if we assigned a couple

extra men, we could have the... Can I know?

Oh, I'll be all right. I just need a little time to think this over. Of

sir. Now, sir, about your Jeep, sir. My Jeep? Yes. You mean you finished

checking it? Oh, no, it's not ready yet, sir. Oh, good, good. I began to think

the whole world was going crazy.

Your Jeep isn't ready, sir.

But your staff car is.

What staff car? Your staff car.

I have a staff car? Well, of course, sir.

It's been here for six months, sir.

It has? Yes. What does it look like? Well, it's a khaki four -door sedan.

quite lovely, sir. Oh, that car. I thought that belonged to you.

I was just given an extreme road test to see that it was safe by a commanding

officer. Oh, thank you. Would you like to look at it, sir? It's right outside.

Here, here.

Is it a doozy, sir?

And it's all right for me to drive it?

Sir, it's your car.

Why? I have a staff car. Well, of course, sir. Sir, my big wish for you is

drive it in good health, sir. Thank you, sir. Oh, wait.

It's amazing.

What's amazing, sir? Well, I've never seen you in the sunlight before. I

you were a much shorter man.

Really, sir, you're going to see a lot of me in the sunlight, sir.

Working, drilling, working, drilling.

Yes, yes.

What is he up to?

I have a staff car.

Why did he do it?

Why did you let me have him?

Why?

Why?

Why? Why?

Has he gone?

Who? Bilko. Oh, yes, sir. Get me Lieutenant Samuels. Yes, I will.

Did he seem strange to you?

I never saw him like that before in all my life. Neither did I.

John, Sergeant Bilko has just been showing me our new car.

Come, let's take a ride. Stay away from that car.

Don't.

Why, John?

Don't put your foot on the starter. Lieutenant Samuels.

Lieutenant Samuels. Colonel Hall.

John, what is it? Quiet.

Lieutenant Samuels, I want you to send over your best demolition man

immediately.

Why? I think there's a bomb planted in my staff car.

I want you to have him check every inch of it.

John, you don't mean it.

I know I was hard on him yesterday. I knew he'd try to get even, but murder.

Murder?

Sergeant Hogan. Yes? If anything happens to us, I want you to be a witness.

Yes, sir. Come here.

A witness?

So that's why he wants to marry me?

A wife can't testify against her own husband?

Oh, boys, you should have seen the look on Doberman's face when I tucked him and

I could have kissed him.

Boys, it's after nine o 'clock. By itself, we've got a big date about a 20

hike. I'm looking forward to it. Good night, fellas.

Good night.

I've got to find out. I've got to find out.

Sarge, what's going on?

He's asleep already.

Asleep? Him?

Come on.

Did you see that smile on his face? He knows something. He knows something. The

guys are all asleep. I wish I could sleep. Come on, we're going to the tree

have a cigarette. Don't be anybody there.

I don't know. I just can't sleep.

What is he up to? You guys should know. What is he up to? We don't know. We

don't know. He's got us going good this time. Look, let's put all our money

together. Every dime, we'll put it in front of his door.

Then maybe he won't do it. Do what?

I don't know.

I'll tell you something bigger than that. Now, don't laugh at me. Don't

me. He sold us to somebody. He sold us to somebody.

Hey, look.

What is it? I'm here, sir.

I'm busy with another patient.

Another? I thought I was your only patient, sir. Now, please, just sit

Sergeant, and wait your turn. Yes, sir.

Somebody else needs help.

Strange.

So, Colonel, you see, nobody really wants to harm you. It's terrible,

Yesterday in the assembly, when they sang the Star Spangled Banner and came

the part, bombs bursting in air, I ducked under the table. Yes, it takes

Time and patience.

I see you didn't get any sleep last night. I need help.

So you see, Sergeant, just because a man gets up at six o 'clock in the morning

and proposes marriage is no reason to suspect him.

He thinks I'm in cahoots with Bilko.

After 25 years of marriage, I have to taste his food before he leaves.

He's a good man.

It's just a phase that he's going through.

So remember, men, you have nothing to fear except fear itself.

laws against slavery.

Well, Belko will get around them.

Paula, Paula, just a minute. Belko, why are you bargaining the captain?

Sergeant, what have you done to this post?

All I did was try to get a good night's sleep, sir. But nobody else is. Will you

do something? Now I need help.

What's going on here? Can't sleep? Well, I'll see that you do. There's a new

schedule. Back to the old world.

There'll be Monte Carlo every night.

Just a minute.

There'll be 25 cents a shot at the rifle range. Get the cupid dolls ready.

Quiet! Now you men come back next Wednesday.

Sir, Captain.

We're back to normal now. We just won't have time.

Nothing to it, sir. They just were a little confused.

They think I know where we put it, Captain.

Oh, Colonel, I've been looking all over. Sir, I'll have to take your staff car

back and put it back and repass. You're taking it back? Yes, sir, and I'm afraid

there'll be no morning reports for a while, sir. No report?

I think it's kind of silly to get up that early in the morning, sir. As a

of fact, I've left strict instructions with Corporal Barbella. If we're to be

attacked, he must wake me immediately. He knows that, sir. Colonel, did you

to see me? Everything is fine.

Everything's back to normal.

Let me handle it, son. They were just a little confused. But there's always

Sergeant Hogan. Oh, as a matter of fact, here she comes now. Let me handle that

little lady, sir. Thank you, Sergeant. Here, here, hold the phone. Just a

minute. What's with you going to see a head doctor? What's the matter with you?

Ernie, ever since you asked me to marry you... Hold that just a minute. Who

asked who to marry who?

You asked me to marry... Have you got it in writing? Have you got any witnesses?

What is this nonsense about marriage? You know I can't marry you. I'm in

mourning for my dear Uncle Felix.

Ernie, you're lying to me again. Now, would I lie to you? You're the only girl

in the world for me.

I wish I could believe that. Well, I just said it.

That means you can believe it. Oh.

Let me worry about things.

Don't trouble your little... You know, you're the only girl in the world for

Go on, honey, relax.

You're the only girl I'll ever be interested in.

What'd you say her name was?

Zsa Zsa Lamour. Uh -huh. She's expecting you tonight at the Silver Pound. All

righty. Now, this is what you gotta do. Oh, just stay away from him. I said...

Shut up, Ponch. You just caused enough trouble.

Now, don't you build me up to come out to be gone.

Good boy.

Robert Webber was the ego.

Stanley Simmons played the conscience.

Hope Sandsbury was Mrs.

Hall. And Joe E. Ross played Sergeant Ritzing.