Original subtitles

I do.

Remember this.

This weekend, this barracks is open to your families. You understand?

I'll have no gambling, no swearing. I want culture and songs, hymns, sing a

of hymns.

Sarge, Sarge, nobody turned in the names of their dates yet.

Oh, come on, fellas. We'll have to think of everything.

Come on. Now, who of you guys haven't got dates for the weekend?

All right. How many of you guys' sisters who are coming haven't got dates?

Oh, come on, fellas. Stop making trades.

Now, I want couples dancing at my hello parents' dance.

Your parents can come hundreds of miles to see you dancing with each other.

You all got sisters.

Come on.

Get those sisters moving.

Well, do you want to take my sister out?

Let's see her picture again.

Oh, she's lost 14 pounds since then.

I don't know.

Well, ask Paparelli. He took her out last year. He had a wonderful time.

Hey, Paparelli.

How come you got such a young sister?

Did you take out Kodalki's sister last year?

Yeah.

Well, she was 14 pounds this time.

Forget it, Kandowski.

I'm taking a shower. How about Trudy?

When was this picture taken? It looks kind of yellow.

On my last furlough. That's me with my arm around it. Last furlough, eh?

What war?

What do you mean?

How come you got such a full head of hair?

Look, if you're not interested... See me next year when I'm a little older and

more settled.

Very funny.

Hey, Flashy.

Well, Sugie, what do you say?

Are you sure this isn't the same sister you hooked me with last year? No, this

is my other sister.

Are you sure this is your sister?

Looks an awful lot like Eartha Kitt. Would I lie to you? Would you lie to me,

Lassie? You showed me a picture of Lena Horne. Look, Sugie, make up your mind.

Yes or no? What do you say? Come on, make up your mind.

Not bad.

Are you sure that's your brother with his arm around your sister?

Yeah. Looks an awful lot like you. Like me?

Are you kidding?

He's got a full head of hair.

Come on, what do you say?

Hey, is that a horse in the background?

Yeah. How come it's pulling a streetcar?

Hey, Mullen. Yeah.

You got a date yet?

No. Hey, did you see my sister Trudy when she was here last year? Yeah, why?

Nothing.

Hey, all right, time's up. Come on. Let me fill in those names for the dates.

Paparelli. Sorry, Sarge, I couldn't find anything.

Give us a little time, will you, Sarge? A little time? Is this a little stalling

tactics? Let me tell you one thing.

This weekend, I will tolerate no wallflowers. Sarge!

Sarge. What is it?

What's the matter? Doberman just got a phone call.

Yeah? It's murder.

What? What is it? What?

Doberman's sister is coming.

Doberman's sister is coming here?

Freeze!

Raise your miserable meatballs.

How dare you? Well, you know, she may be a very lovely girl, and a guy would be

lucky to have a date with her.

Hey, fellas!

Let me ask you something.

Guess what? What?

Sarge. Yes? Your sister is coming in. I've got to fill out the paper. Her name

is Diane. Isn't that a lovely name? Let me get out of here.

Sarge. What?

Look, I told her so much about you. I wondered if you'd like to take her out

a date.

Sarge, you've got a date with Joan Hogan.

Bless you. Yes, that's right.

Yes. You remember, Joan Hogan is my steady date.

Oh, gee, I forgot.

Say, Sarge. Yes? My sister is coming. I'm taking Fleishman's sister.

You are? Put me down, Sarge.

Say, uh... Oh, I'm taking Dillingham's sister.

Claude. Oh,

I'll go. Go on, there's his sister.

Go on, there's his sister. Say, Flashman, how about you? Sorry, Dwayne,

uh... I'm taking Fender's sister. Wait a minute, I'm taking her. You guys are

crazy. I'm taking her. What?

Anything, anything.

I'll take anything.

Say,

Gomez, you know my sister... Well, I'm taking Pavarelli's sister.

Hi, Doberman. Have you heard?

What? My sister's coming here.

Father.

Son!

May I ask you something? You think anybody at the dance will be wearing a

cummerbund like that? They wouldn't dare. You're not kidding. When I

in, I was fine.

Goldman, you got a date for your sister yet?

Oh, look, Dwayne, I just thought of a wonderful idea.

When your sister joins you, you and her can join Joan and I, and we'll see the

parade together, we'll go to the dance together.

Thanks, Sarge, but that's not like having a date, is it? I know, but it's

of so... All the other fellas' sisters will have dates.

Ernie, there's nothing you can do. Yes, there is.

Now tell me, who hasn't got a date yet?

Zimmerman. It figures, that little snake. He's waiting till the last minute

he can make a better deal for himself.

I know how his mind works.

Zimmerman will be taking Doberman's sister. Oh, but Sarge... Put his name

Zimmerman!

Sarge, you can't force Zimmerman into a miserable deal like that. Force?

When I get through with him, he'll be panting to take out Doberman's sister.

This I gotta see. He might guess you got a grand stamp seat. Watch.

Come in.

Want to see me, Sarge? Close the door.

Come in, Fielding.

What's up?

Zimmerman, I'm in a spot and only you can help me get off it.

Me? You gotta take Joan Hogan off my hands for the weekend.

But she's the most beautiful whack on the post. You're trying to ditch her?

Why? You like this? Why?

I'm fixing her up with the most beautiful blonde on the post. He's

questions. I'll get somebody else. No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that

if... You're trying to ditch Jose, Joan Holger. You got something sensational

lined up, huh?

You ain't kidding. I'm taking Doberman's sister. Now, look.

Here's what you do. She's probably still crying.

Yeah. You be there. She'll need a shoulder to cry on. Be tender. Be kind.

then at the proper moment, ask her for the date. You got nothing to worry

Fielding, how can I thank you enough for this? You thank me. How can I ever

thank you?

Oh, why should words go between two friends? Just hurry over to the PX.

waiting. Go on, pal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

He's hooked.

Hooked? Sarge, are you crazy? Him dating Joan, he'll get killed.

He'll never get there. In exactly one minute, he'll come tearing back in this

room, demanding to take out Doberman's sister. Are you kidding? Look at him,

spruce enough to go see her. In 55 seconds, he'll be back right in here.

you know?

How do I know?

I've been with this platoon long enough to know how their sneaky little minds

work.

Look at him.

He's up on cloud nine right now, thinking of his date with Joan.

By the time he gets to the door, he'll start thinking.

He's thinking, he's thinking, he's saying himself, why would a smart guy

Bill go on to ditch a beautiful girl like Joan Hogan?

Generous, he ain't. My best friend, he ain't.

Ah, why look a gift horse in the mouth?

Joan Hogan. He left.

Don't worry, by the time he hits the steps, it'll dawn on him right now.

Doberman's sister?

Bilko's taking Doberman's sister.

Oh, that sneaky little mind is grinding away now.

Doberman's sister, could it be possible? Could she be beautiful?

Maybe I'm missing out on something.

What could Doberman's sister look like?

Impossible.

Joan Hogan.

Fielding Zimmerman, you lucky dog.

He's gone again.

Yeah, but the seeds of doubt have been planted. He should be back in four

seconds. I thought you were crazy. Put his name up next to Doberman's sister.

Crazy, huh? In four seconds.

One, two, three, four.

You're not making a sucker out of me. What are you talking about? Put me down.

I'll take Doberman's sister. Oh, please, you promised.

You put me down. Doberman asked me to take her. Oh, please, Zimmerman. Please,

you promised me.

Well, Sarge, you're a genius.

You're the greatest, Sarge.

There are so few of us left.

Hey, I'm here in Vegas.

They pay you a double for this, a friend of mine said. Well, this isn't Vegas.

What? You're going to take out my sister?

A pal's a pal.

Oh, gee, Fielding, you're a prince.

I've been trying to get someone to take her for a long time, but nobody wanted

to take her. Gee, I'm so happy.

I'm going to take a shower.

A shower?

Yeah, I'm so happy, I don't know what I'm doing.

What does she like?

She's the loveliest girl in the world.

Tell me more about her.

Jimmy, you're slipping your trolley. Are you actually taking out Doberman's

sister? What are you doing, paying off an election bet?

Are you guys kidding?

How crazy can I be? If I'm taking out the girl, I'd build her with ready -to

-ditch Joan Hogan over, huh?

Hey, Doberman!

Vilco is ready to ditch Joan over Doberman's sister?

I can't believe it. Doberman's sister?

Why not? It figures it happens all the time. It's always the slob in the

who's got the most beautiful sister.

Yeah. Remember Big Nose Schultz over in Company A? He couldn't bribe guys to

take out his sister. Remember what she looked like when she showed up?

That lucky Zimmerman.

I got a good mind to punch you right in the nose.

What did I do? Well, Doberman asked me to take her, but no, I got to wind up

with your sister.

He asked me, too, but I'm taking Gomez's sister.

Yeah, and I'm taking your sister.

What is this, a mass meeting? What's going on? It's past lights out. Come on.

Sarge, were you actually thinking of taking out Doberman's sister?

That Zimmerman with his big mouth, it's all over the platoon now, huh? It

certainly is. Hey, Sarge, is she really a knockout? Oh, a dream.

How do you know? You've never seen her. I don't have to know.

It's Musselman's Law and Theory of Family Equalization.

Musselman's Law?

Well, certainly I think I can quote it from memory, where the hereditary genes

are overcompensated in the genealogical aspects.

Sarge, please, say it in English.

I'll give it to you plain.

Musselman was a scientist. He devoted his life to this research, and he came

with a simple statement, which I'll tell you in simple, basic English. What's

that? The uglier the brother, the more beautiful the sister.

That's a law?

Go fight with science.

Musselman, he knew it.

The uglier the brother, the more beautiful the sister.

Hey, if that's true, Doberman's sister is Miss Universe.

Yeah. I'll bet she's a tall, blonde beauty.

Nah. Doberman's got black hair.

She's a brunette. Nah, nah, she's a redhead.

I know she's a redhead.

Ah, what are we knocking ourselves out for? Zimmerman has got her.

Yeah. But that something should happen to Zimmerman, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, get this. I got that little evil mind's working overtime now. They're

figuring a way to get it away from Zimmerman, huh? Yeah.

Gentlemen, there'll be some rare dreams within these four barrack walls tonight.

Every big name in Hollywood is here tonight for the premiere of the gorgeous

Diane Doberman's new picture. The crowd has been here since 7 o 'clock this

morning.

Here's Miss Doberman's limousine.

And with her is her fiancé, Fielding Zimmerman, the producer of her new

Stand back. Stand back.

Miss Doberman, can I have one more picture, please?

Thank you.

Thank you.

As the producer of the picture, Mr. Zimmerman, what do you think?

Diane's picture is never missed.

How did you meet Mr.

Zimmerman? Oh, we met when...

Glorious night.

A weekend, you know.

At an army camp.

The dining just swept me off my feet.

Can I have one more, Mr. Oldman?

Kissing Mr. Zimmerman this time.

Oh! Let's get out of here.

Hey, Diane.

She wants me. She wants me. Hold it. Hold it. It could be me.

They all say that. Diane, wait.

Wait, Diane.

Diane. Diane, wait for me.

She's mine. She's mine.

Diane. Wait.

Wait. Diane.

She's mine. Wait.

Wait. Diane.

Diane. You're mine.

Diane. Zimmerman, you dirty snake. I hope your pictures are flopped. Sarge.

Sarge. Wake up. What's the matter, Sarge?

What?

Oh.

It was a nightmare.

A nightmare.

That's what it was. It was a dream. It was a dream.

But it's a dream that's going to come true.

I got to make it come true or I'll regret it the rest of my life. Sarge,

are you talking about? You don't understand. I saw her. Diane Doberman.

gorgeous. She's the most beautiful thing. Sarge, Sarge, you ain't never

her. What about Joan?

Joan?

That was just an infatuation, boys.

This is the real thing.

This is love.

Sarge, Zimmerman has taken out Doberman's sister. You talked him into

I'll talk him right back into it again.

No, Sarge, you ain't got a chance. Every guy in the platoon is trying to get him

to let go. He's got his teeth in her like a bulldog. He'll let go.

The minute he sees this picture of Doberman's sister, he'll let go. Sarge,

that's a picture of Seabiscuit. What difference does it make? I'm burning it,

ain't I? Burning it? Get in there and very artfully drop a hint to him that

got a picture of Doberman's sisters in here. Go on. On a double. Look at that.

Boy, I'd give anything to see that picture.

He just got it in the mail today.

Doberman's sister.

Hey, Sarge. I was just going to sign for you. Why are you burning it?

Congratulations, Zimmerman. Why are you burning it? That was the most unselfish

thing I ever heard of, inviting that girl here for the weekend.

Why are you burning it? Never mind.

And I want you to sign this paper. Sign what?

It's a pledge that from the moment you pick up Doberman's sister at the bus

station to the moment that she leaves this camp, you'll constantly be at her

side. What do you mean? What do you mean? Never mind. Just sign it. I'm

that you'll take one look at her and... Sarge, you mean she's...

That bad?

Do you ever see such ugly ashes?

Here, sign the paper.

I'll sign nothing.

Be a man. It's only for the weekend.

You'll get over it. You take her out.

No. Please.

Please, Zimmerman. Please.

Please. Well, well.

Diana's mine.

Yeah, but Sarge, you've got a date with Joan.

A date? I'll get right on her. Take a wire. Right, Sarge.

Sergeant Ernest, Bill, go care of administration. Wait, wait, wait.

You're sending a wire to yourself?

Yeah, but I'm sending it through administration to make sure that Joan

wire. Now, let me see. Say, your aunt has been... What's a good name for aunt?

Aunt Agnes?

Yeah.

Your aunt, Agnes, has been stricken with muscleman's fever.

Come at once.

Signed, Dr.

Hesselman. My Aunt Agnes.

I'm so sorry I had to be the one to show it to you.

Musselman's fever struck her again.

I have an emergency furlough all ready for you.

Furlough? No, I've got to take you to the dance.

Honey, she's crying for you. Oh, you know how at 96 they shake these things

No, no. Take a wire.

Dr. Hesselman, I cannot come. Darling, darling, it's only a dance.

No, I've got to think of myself once. Every moment away from you is torture.

nonsense. I'll get this thing started. No, I won't. I won't. Really.

Is that two S's in Hasselman? Oh, shut up.

Did you hear from Doberman yet? Yeah, you're supposed to pick up a sister at

bus terminal at 8 o 'clock.

Right. Now, did you reserve a suite for her at the hotel?

Yeah, it was tough, but... What do you think I got lined up? A little gypsy

that I know about. I've been saving it for a spot like this. May I say, the

charters will be swirling tonight.

No, no, no, I won't go. No, no.

All right, now, you got everything straight. Now, let me see.

As you bring the girl in, we lower the lights and we light the candles.

Fine, and you?

And then we play Gypsy Hearts are Flaming. No, no, no, not yet. This is

she just comes in. Oh, my little Gypsy sweetheart. My little Gypsy sweetheart.

Then I bring in the food. Yes, but how do we bring in the food?

Quietly and discreetly. Uh -huh. All right, that's okay. Now, with the food.

Gypsy Hearts are Flaming. This is the food.

Eat, Gypsy, eat. That's better. Now it's very simple.

After we finish our food, Slowly we'll be sipping on the champagne.

And as the candlelight starts to dim... That's when I move to the table. Right,

and then play like you've never played before.

Be sure you play in her left ear. Make sure.

Because I'll be nibbling on the right ear.

You're Hungarian?

You feel these things? Give me some music that talks. Talks for something

smolders into a flame. You know, something... Hi,

Dad.

Hi, Sid.

Stacks, my sister Sabrina. How do you like it?

Well, let's go, huh, folks?

Well?

That muscleman's law really works. Yeah.

What do you mean?

You sure she's on this bus? I'm positive.

Doberman phone. She's probably checking her luggage. See if you can find her.

Tell her I'm out here. Right, Sergeant.

Sergeant Bilko.

Diane. Joan, you came to see me. Goodbye, Joan. I thought I'd find you

don't understand. I missed the plane, so I'm taking the bus.

checking up on you. You don't have an Aunt Agnes, and Henshaw sent that

telegram. Henshaw!

Him with his pack of little jokes. He's so naughty. Oh, you be quiet.

You're waiting here for a girl, and I dare you to deny that one.

Now, Joan, you've got to understand this. I'm like a man possessed. I've got

go through this, or I'll never know for the rest of my life. Please try to

understand, Joan. All I know is that you threw me over for some other girl.

Joan, please. Just because you found somebody more beautiful.

pictured you.

So are you.

Oh, Ben Duane told you we were twins.

It figures.

Well, maybe you ought to go to the hotel so you can freshen up.

You can freshen up.

You must be a long bus driver. Maybe you're... Joan, this is Diane Doberman,

Duane's sister. This is Joan Hogan. How do you do, Diane?

How do you do, Joan?

but I have some business to talk over with you.

What's that for?

That's the sweetest, kindest thing you ever did.

What are you talking about? Nobody wanted to take Doberman's sister.

So rather than break Doberman's heart, you... Well, John, I ought to tell you.

I have the most wonderful idea. Why don't you two join Private Zimmerman and

and we'll all have a lot of fun.

restaurant in town.

Gypsy restaurant in this town? Yes. I never heard of it. Come, my dear, we're

joining the gypsy.