Original subtitles

Right here at Comedy Central.

finished yet, sir. Sergeant, you were finished an hour ago. This is the big

plan. This is the thing we would fight. Believe me. Just a second. All right,

boys. One, two.

Good heavens. Now what? Tell him.

Beautiful dreams are... Stop! That's enough!

Look, Sergeant, I know you'd like to come to New York for our show, but your

group just hasn't got what we're looking for. Give somebody else a chance!

But, sir...

So we blew it, Sarge. We blew it. You know why?

They sent out a captain with a tin ear.

Fine talent, Scott. I guarantee if you line up the Crosby brothers in front of

him, he'd pick up Everett.

Now, we gave it a good try. Forget about it, Sarge. Forget about it. The sights

I wanted to show you in New York, the George Washington Bridge, the Empire

Building, the Harlem Tunnel, tattooed all over a body.

Well, I just have to take my word for it.

Well, maybe the next singing contest you're in, Sarge, would click.

Got no chance. We're in the wrong branch of the service, the motor pool. We've

got no song.

What do you mean by that?

We've got no song that belongs to us. What chance have we got against the Air

Force with their off we go into the wild blue yonder? And the Navy. They can't

turn on TV without seeing the Navy in their blue and gold singing, anchors

Now, how are we going to get on TV?

Join the Navy.

Did you think of that all by yourself?

Just shut up. Stop being a wise guy. We've got enough wise guys on this post.

Don't you see what we need? We need our own original song that's identified with

the motor pool.

Who's that?

That's Pavaroli. He came in sharp.

See what I mean? They don't write marches like that. If we had a march

that, it makes you want to march. It's got something. Anybody know the name of

it? I never even invited people.

See what I mean? It's got a spring. They don't write marches like that. If we

could gut that song first, identify it with the motor pool, we could put words

to it.

Like in war.

Give us oil and grease and you'll find a motor pool.

That's wonderful.

Of course it's wonderful.

Guys, if we had our own motor pool song, can't you just picture us introducing

it on an army TV show?

Sarge, why does it have to be a march? Why can't it be rock and roll?

Maybe. Never thought of that. Let me see.

I met my baby down at the motor pool.

Then I met my baby.

Down at the motor pool.

And what my baby taught me, you can't learn at mechanic school.

roll service song? Sure, great for recruiting teenagers, Sarge. Yeah,

we need. We'd have a standing army of two million Elvis Presleys.

Service song has got to have dignity.

How about a waltz? That's dignified.

Waltz? Yeah.

In war and in peace, the motorboat who shoots

the grease.

Fix a tire.

Come on, a fool.

Oh, no, it's no fool. Come on, a fool.

Stop, we can't do it. Come on, a fool.

It's nice.

It's nice. It's great.

It's great.

It always was great. It's the Blue Daniel.

It must have been Stephen Foster.

He must be going stir -crazy this thing. Forget it. Hit the sack. Come on.

Get out of here. Nothing. Any hot water left? Sure.

Get me my talcum powder. Hey, Dino. Yeah?

What was that song you were singing in there?

What song?

The thing.

Dun, dun, dun, dun. I don't know. I just heard you do it. Oh, that. I've been

singing that for years. Oh? I made it myself.

Oh. Give me foot powder. If I ask for talcum... He made it up himself. He made

it up himself. Sarge, we could... Hey, Dino.

Yeah? You made that up yourself?

Yeah. Why?

Why? Boys?

Give a big hand to the new composer of the Motor Pool official song.

It was not... Oh, it's better. How does it go?

Wait a second. Come here, Zimmerman. You can write music. Take this down. Go

ahead.

Take it from the beginning.

Well, come on. Take it from the beginning.

Funny. Funny, I just can't seem to remember it. He can't remember it. Shut

You'll scare it out of him. Go on, take your time. You said you've been singing

it for years. Now go ahead. Sarge, he only comes to me when I'm taking a

Good night, Sarge.

Okay, get him into the shower.

I just had a shower.

I just had a shower.

Hear anything yet? Not a sound.

Not really. Not really.

Sarge, can I come out now?

No, you've got to think.

Concentrate. Concentrate.

Zimmerman!

Yes?

Take down every note.

The notes are running. Doesn't matter. Take it down. Get back in there.

Hey, Sarge, you can't leave him in there. They'll wrinkle up like droons. I

think he's coming. Wait a minute.

Can you hear anything?

Oh, come on.

Paparelli!

Sarge, my mind's a blank. But you said you've been singing the song for years.

can only sing it when I'm alone.

I got stage fright.

Oh, Zimmerman, out of there.

I can understand that. Look, why don't we leave him alone?

Hey, why don't we go down to the P .E .X.? Good idea.

The shower is all yours. The barracks are here alone.

You're a king in your own castle, huh? Come on, Bill. Let's go down to the P .E

.X. Bye, Dino.

Bye, Dino.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la.

Grandtown lady, sing this song.

Do that!

All right, get out of here. Come on, get out.

Look, he tried.

You can't, you know, you can't get blood out of a stone.

Why don't you learn once to listen?

I'm sorry, Sarge. Forget it, Dino. Forget it. I'm sorry. Look, you know me

my crazy ideas. I tried some. Forget it. Look, take it out of your mind. You got

more important things to worry about than a silly song. Go on. Thanks, Sarge.

I'm sorry.

We'll think of something. How about Oh, Susanna? Oh, Susanna.

Now, listen.

You going?

This shower.

is off -limits to everybody from now on except Paparelli. Hey, Sarge, you mean

nobody can take a shower till he remembers that song?

Nobody. Oh, boy!

Make a note.

I gotta hose him down once a week.

If he's in the shower alone and he thinks we've forgotten the song, it'll

out of him naturally. You understand?

Yeah, but, Sarge, if he sings it in there alone with nobody here, how are we

gonna hear it?

I thought of that. Palmer.

Yeah. Can you hook up a microphone into that shower? Sure, sir. I'll go down to

the special service center. I'll get a recording machine. Hook it up in my

We'll wire it. Now, can you do that? Absolutely. Anything he sings in that

shower will be on the Bilko label. Can you handle it, genius?

Yep. Attaboy. Now, relax like nothing happened.

Sarge, the microphone's under the soap dish. Good boy. Good boy. Now, keep it

warm. Now, what I'll do is get Paparelli into the shower. Hey, Sarge,

Paparelli's here. Good. Keep it warm. I'll get him into the shower.

But, Sarge, after yesterday, Paparelli says he don't want to see a shower for a

month. Let me handle it, please.

Just keep it warm and get ready to turn it on.

Hiya, Dino. Hi, Sarge. Where is everybody? I guess they're in town

Boy, it's hot today, huh? Yeah.

Makes you feel sticky all over. Yeah, it's the humidity.

Yeah, I guess... Dino, really?

Getting a little careless? Oh, no, no, no, Sarge. You don't want to get too

gamey. You're living with other men, you know. Oh, no, no, no, Sarge.

It's my skin is so dry from all those showers I took last night. Well, maybe

ought to... Almost forgot.

What? I got a date for you in town tonight.

A date for me? Yeah, you better shower up, freshen up, and we'll go over and

meet her. She's dying to meet you. No, I'm clean.

I'll just change my shirt, and I'll go right with you.

Oh, all right.

I'll polish my shoes. You got any polish?

Oh, yeah, here.

Is that the car? Is that Oxblast? Yeah, that's Oxblast. Look, when you meet this

girl, don't get too excited. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because the girls

you meet... Oh, look. Oh, I'm sorry.

What did I tell you? Oh, that's all right, Sarge. No, no, I want you to

Oh, look what I...

You see, when you meet... Oh, my goodness. I keep getting... I don't...

isn't that a joke? Look, that's all right. No, no. You maybe ought to

with a shower, huh?

Sarge, you better go without me. I just couldn't face another shower.

Well, maybe you're right. Maybe Suzanne would be too much for you.

Suzanne? Yeah.

Suzanne L 'Amour.

Suzanne L 'Amour?

Sounds French.

Well, that was the name on the registration for that convertible Jaguar

got. She's got a Jaguar? No kidding.

Hey, maybe that's why she likes you so much. You're just small enough to fit in

the Jaguar. Wow.

Of course, you'll have to nuzzle real close. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know how you... Oh, wait a minute. Forget it. Forget what? I'm

excited you. I just remembered something she said. No, you forget it. What?

Well, I heard her say that small Italians drive her out of her mind.

I'm Italian.

Dino Paparelli.

How could it have slipped my mind?

What else did she say? What'd she say? She said your romantic eyes are like two

piercings.

Hey,

fellas, get ready when the... What else did she say?

I built it up too much. That's all that's on his mind. It'll get to it.

minute.

Sarge, we're going to be here all night. Why? We've got plenty of tape. Just be

quiet.

Can I go with it?

That's it. Turn it off.

Paper. Pencils. I've got to write worse than this.

Oh, go in and tell them Suzanne changed her mind.

You got it at the beginning?

Let me hear it from the beginning.

In the time of war, no matter where we are... Good, Chubby, good. No matter

where we are, no matter where you are, good.

Yes, yes, operator, it's a Captain Buckmaster. I'm calling him person to

Thank you.

And remember, fellas, sing like you've never sung before. This is the key.

Remember that.

Hello, sir. Captain Buckmaster?

This is Sergeant Bilko, sir. Fort Baxter. Yes, sir.

What was that, sir?

Oh, yes, sir. Stephen Foster.

He remembered you.

Sir, we want you to hear... Sir, we would like you to... Sir?

Hello?

Forget it. We're off the air.

Gee, it was such a good song, too. Good? It was great.

Sarge, maybe if we let the colonel hear it first. Not a chance. But if we sing

it for him, he'll flip. Sure, he can pressure that captain into putting us on

that Army TV program in New York. Don't you guys remember anything? You know how

the colonel suspects everything I do?

If I contribute to the Red Cross, he thinks I'm betting on a disaster.

I'm never working. If I go to him and tell him we want to do that song on that

TV show, he'll think it's just to get us to New York. He'll think it's a

gimmick. It'll never work. He'll never let us use that song.

Unless... Unless?

Unless he wrote it.

How can he write it? It's already written. Paparelli wrote it. No, you

understand. He'll write it by osmosis.

Osmosis? What's that?

We'll sneak it into his brain, phrase by phrase, without him even being aware of

it. Here's what we do.

Listen to me.

Call me when dinner's ready, dear.

Dinner, dear.

Coming.

I think Bilko is giving up trying to fox me.

Oh, what's the matter? The melody, sir, is awfully catchy. What is that?

Oh, just something I thought up.

Oh, really?

Yes, it's been running through my mind.

Oh, this is a wonderful little tune. How does it go again?

I heard it once and I know it already, sir. Oh, it's nothing.

It just sort of came right out of the air. Oh, really? Sir, would you mind if

put some words to that?

Of course, if you want to. Thank you. Send them in. On the double. Take down

every note. Every golden note. It's nothing really. Oh, sir, give us a

do it before Irving Berlin or Oscar Hammerstein do it. Will you please, sir?

right. Take this down.

The original song, Song of the Motor Pool. Gentlemen.

In the time of war, no matter where you are, you will find the motor pool.

In the thick of fight, keeping engines right, always steady, ever cool.

Though the bombs are dropping, though trucks are stopping, because we are

to give them oil and fuel through the smoke.

Thank you. It sounded pretty good, didn't it? Pretty good, sir.

I'm afraid the TV critics would be a little more enthusiastic than just

good when they hear it on a TV army show, sir. TV army show? Well, I haven't

made any arrangements for it. But, sir, surely a call from you... Imagine

introducing for the first time a new service song.

Yes, I'll call them.

Find out who it's Captain Buckmaster, sir. Find out where... He'll be at Fort

Monmouth, sir. He'll be at Fort Skyler tomorrow, sir. Yes, yes.

Like I was saying, fellas, she's got the George Washington Bridge, you know.

What's the use of talking about it? You'll see for yourself tomorrow when we

to New York.

I'll be chopping.

Sir. Well, Bill, are the men ready? Just raring to go, sir.

I hope you have your thank you speech when they start yelling author, author,

sir. Well, I thought I'd simply say...

Thank you.

And then give you men credit for coming up with the words. Oh, the words, sir,

they were nothing. It was the melody... Jack!

Jack! Jack Hall!

Well, General Miller, did you come all the way up from Washington? All the way?

This is the greatest day in the history of the Transportation Corps.

At last, our own song, and you did it. Oh, well, the men really came up with

words, you know. Oh, sir, may I interrupt? The words were nothing. It

melody that counted, sir. Thank you, sir. We've been raised to have copies

and given to every man in the Corps.

The sheet music's got to have your picture on it.

Well, we're ready to go on, General Miller.

Congratulations, Buckmaster. You certainly dug up that talent.

Yes, isn't it wonderful? I'm just as anxious to hear it as you are, sir.

Well, it's almost time. Come, you gentlemen, it'll be on the dais. Oh,

I'm giving you the most important spot.

Right after the men from Monmouth. Thank you very much, sir.

The army on parade.

you will hear the Fort Baxter Motor Pool Platoon introduce a brand new service

song, the Song of the Motor Pool.

And then you will see the man who wrote this song, Colonel John T. Hall.

But right now, to begin our show, here is the Fort Monmouth Signal Corps Choir

under the direction of Sergeant Thomas McMahon.

Sergeant. Thank you.

For our first number, we would like to sing the official Signal Corps song.

written 30 years ago by Mrs. Dawson Olmsted.

Shout out the slogan of the signal cord.

You can't hear, sir.

Yes, Sarge? Beverly, where were you stationed before you came to Fort

Fort Monmouth, Signal Corps.

Signal Corps.

Take a message.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment that all of us have been waiting

Here is the new melody, which will sweep the nation.

On with the show, Sergeant Bilko.

is Mrs. Boudreaux and Sandy Canyon is Charlie.