Original subtitles

Sergeant Bilko?

Yeah, who are you?

Private Mike McCluskey reporting, sir.

All righty.

You must be the replacement for Smalley, huh?

Okay, I'll take it now.

I beg your pardon?

Well, didn't they tell you?

Didn't they tell you? Every new recruit donates $10 to our helper buddy fund.

You see, and then when you leave the Army, you get $100.

Hey, that sounds like a great idea.

Oh, we're going to get along fine. Come on in. I'll check you in.

Oh, I've got a nice little bunk reserved for you. Of course, the upper bunks are

less expensive, but you look like the type of fellow who's used to the best.

Take care of this. Thank you. Come on in, pal.

Do you like hot showers?

Yeah. All righty. Give him a handle marked hot. That makes you an exclusive

member of the Hot Shower Club. Sit down.

Oh, no. No charge.

Leave it.

Well, well, well. I hope you're going to like it here.

Well, that all depends.

Depends on what?

Are there lots of wax on this post?

Wax? Sure, just like any other post.

That's bad.

See, I hope there's no trouble.

What do you mean, trouble?

Well, look at my record.

Let me see.

Transferred for the good of the service.

Transferred for disciplinary measures.

Transferred for good be...

Transfer, transfer, transfer. You don't look like a troublemaker. I'm not. It's

those whacks. What do you mean?

Oh, I don't know what it is, but sooner or later they... they fight over me.

They fight over you?

I mean, they don't fight over Frank Sinatra or Perry Como.

They fight over you. It's terrible.

Here, see this disciplinary inquiry at Fort Riley?

Four of them began tearing each other's hair out in front of a general, and I

was transferred to Camp Crowley.

Really?

I see that two days later you were transferred again. What happened?

of them followed me from Riley to Crowley.

They followed you?

In duffel bags.

In duffel bags?

Oh, this is... Please, Sergeant, don't let it happen to me here. Don't worry,

Romeo. You'll get no trouble here.

Take care of his papers. I'll get him over to the administration and check him

in.

Wow! I've read everything!

Hey, Sarge, I'm on command, huh? Sarge, we've got something there, huh? Well,

I'll say we've got something.

We have got the biggest liar in the whole United States Army.

Oh, you should hear him in there.

Wax following him from post to post, hiding in duffel bags.

Maybe it's true, sir. What do you mean, true? If one -tenth of it was true, a

man with that appeal, Hollywood would have grabbed him years ago. He would

replaced Cinerama. I'm ready, Sergeant. Oh, yes, I'll take you over, Casanova.

Follow me.

All right, after you plop the jeep, get in here, Mike.

Where have been my little tacky cuties? Work, work, work, work, work.

Hiya, Johnny.

What is it, Annie? We're busy. I got a replacement. Check him in.

Girl, check in this replacement.

I gotta get these vouchers out. I gotta finish this poster.

Mary, would you please? I'm way behind.

Sergeant Velko? Come on in, Mike. Hey, how about tonight, honey?

Oh, there you are, Mike. This is Sergeant Hogan. This is the new

Check him in.

I begot you.

It's true.

It's true.

I'll take those papers.

Please, Sergeant, I don't want to be transferred again. I promise you,

Look, take him and show him his detail. The boys will take care of you. Go out

there with the fellas. Now the rest of you, men, you have to do your work and

it in an orderly fashion.

Come on, conference, quick.

Men, this is it. Get your hips fitted for Jaguars. Oh, here we go again.

It's true.

Everything he said is true. It's all with my own eyes. Wax, they throw

themselves at him. Women, they, how he's lived, I don't understand. They follow

him and duffel beg.

In my room right now, gentlemen, is the biggest woman trap.

Since ranch meet. James Bultram, huh? How he's laughed at this one.

Here, you.

Outside. Watch. See if anybody follow him.

You. Zimmerman. Go, mate. 24 -hour guard duty. Wait a minute. Wait. If

anything's moving, shoot in the air. It may be a whack on the prowl. Watch it.

Whack? I'm telling you, we may have to set booby traps.

Because... Don't look around.

Don't look around.

Whose duffel bag is that over there?

McCluskey. Back.

Quiet.

Young lady, you'll have to come out of there.

Oh, it's all right. You see, if he gets transferred, we've got to watch that. If

he gets transferred, a million dollars gets transferred with him. A million

bucks? Yes, sir. So the games go from where does that leave us? It leaves us a

million dollars to split up as the co -managers of the most magnetic film

personalities since Valentino. Oh, and he sure looks it. Look, keep this quiet

till I can get him signed.

Well, hello, Mike.

Getting along all right? Don't!

What's the matter, Sarge? I thought I saw bushes move.

The wax are restless tonight.

What are you doing?

Signing them off a bunk ladder. All right, hold that pen. I want them to

something up.

Actually, I got a Bilko oil.

Bilko fatigue insurance.

Bilko fellow. Here it is.

Personal management.

Yeah, there it is.

Oh, no. Is it another transfer? Yes, from Fort Baxter to Hollywood,

Hollywood? What outfits out there?

Oh, there are a lot of outfits.

There's Fort Warner Brothers, Cam Paramount. Sergeant Bilko, what are you

talking about?

I'm talking about you, the biggest movie star to come along in the past ten

years. A movie star? Yeah, it's just lying right here under where I wrote, I,

Tab Timberley, assign Sergeant Bilko... Tab Timberley? Who's that?

That's you.

See, McCluskey, it's a nice name, but Tab Timberley. Hear it? It sings.

Tab Timberley. It's got... I like that, Tab.

Attaboy. Attention.

Bow your head.

Gentlemen, a star is born.

Get over to our people's. Get over to Signal Photo Land. Tell Sergeant Larson

want a lot of pictures taken. Pictures full face, pictures left profile, right.

Wait a minute.

Get him in a bikini.

A bikini? How am I going to tell him? Tell him anything. Tell him he's a frog

man. I'm a devil. You, let him.

Take it out and let us know all the studio heads of Hollywood, California.

start off with Xanax.

Dear Daryl.

You may not remember me, but I never met you at Louis B. Mayer's house. Arch,

what does that mean? They're big men. They never read. They just look at their

names. Right.

On the separate cover, Daryl, I am sending you a photograph of my latest

discovery. A man who revolutionized the motion picture industry.

Luella herself is insane about him.

Luella who?

You starting with me again?

You know Luella who. Don't start with me. Don't give me those little bridges.

You know who I mean. Right.

All right, look at that.

I hear there's some mail for me. You got a whole load.

Load, load.

I guess sending that picture of Mike to Hollywood didn't pay off. Look at this

postmark. Hollywood, USA.

From the offices of Warner Brothers, returned unopened. You see how neat they

do? Returned unopened.

They're all returned unopened. Look, they got a letter on them.

Yes, sir.

Company policy does not permit us to open unsolicited photographs.

Oh, Sarge. How do you like that? I tried to give a dying industry a helping

hand. This is the thing. They ought to take at least ten minutes to look at a

picture. Oh, if I could just get this picture in front of the public. If they

could just see this face.

What's the matter, Sarge?

Wait a minute.

Expires August 15th.

That means right now in Washington they're getting the new recruiting

ready. So what?

So what, don't you get it? If we get Mike's picture on all the recruiting

posters, don't you see it? On every street corner, every lobby, every

lobby, every post office, Mike's picture. Don't you... Hollywood will

crawling to us. What an idea!

Wait a minute, Sarge. You know, they always take a guy from one of them big

camps around Washington.

He's right, Sarge. They ain't gonna pick a guy from a small post like this. Oh,

they're not.

They will when the colonel registers his beef. The colonel ain't gonna register

a beef about a little thing like that.

Rocco, when are you going to learn? Who runs this post, me or the colonel?

Are we going to have a swimming pool? Yes, I think we'll have a kidney -shaped

pool with lights, blue lights, playing under the water.

Esther will like that.

Esther who?

You're starting again.

You give me the bridges, I don't want these.

I'll meet you on the first tee in five minutes, Harry. And don't forget, my

expects you and the missus over for canasta tonight.

Goodbye.

Well, what is it, Bilko? Sir, we have a chance to put Fort Baxter on the map.

Whatever it is, Bilko, no.

But, sir.

Bilko, Fort Baxter is on the map. And it's a tribute to my vigilance that it's

still there.

And you haven't raffled it off. Oh, but really, sir.

A little gulp, sir?

Yeah. Oh, that's right.

Relax. Let's go. Let the other officers command the more important posts. That's

right.

What do you mean command a more important post? Oh, I only meant that in

highest sense, sir. After all, sir, you have served with distinction in two

world wars. You've earned the right to be put out to graze. I certainly have.

Put out to graze? Are you being impertinent? No, sir. No, I really

excuse me, Colonel.

Isn't this a picture of your graduating class at West Point?

My, what wonderful -looking cadets.

Not cadets anymore.

There's General Lawson, General Michaels, General O 'Hara. My, my, just

them. All of them are generals, aren't they, Colonel?

Colonel. Well, sir, I didn't mean to. What I meant is, oh, let the more

ambitious commanding officers get these meaningless plums.

What plums? Well, sir, you know I'm the deal to get the soldier for the

recruiting poster?

They pass us by again, sir.

They pass us by again? Oh, sir.

Did you all let those other commanding officers with their better connections

Washington get it? Better connections?

I'll show them who's got connections.

Get me Washington.

Extension 213.

you pass this by again, eh?

You know what I'm talking about.

If you don't choose a man from Fort Baxter for those posters this year,

uh, uh, Generals Lawson, Carter, and O 'Hara are going to know the reason why.

What?

Good.

You just send me the procedure for selecting a man, and I'll send you the

for your poster.

Congratulations, General Hall. I mean, Colonel Hall. I was thinking of the

immediate future. There's going to be a lot more done around here. Bill Coe, I

want you to take care of the detail of selecting the man for the poster. But,

sir, I'm all for the poster. That's an order. Thank you, sir. I'll do my best.

What?

Harry! You're on the first team?

Well, go on without me.

What do you think? I've got nothing to do but play golf around here?

There's work to do.

Tell my wife to cancel the canasta for tonight. I'm working late.

There's work to do.

What have I got to do?

Well, wait till Hollywood sees Rory's face.

Rory? I thought his name was Cam.

I changed it. Rory. It sings.

You know, it's got a... The Colonel!

The Colonel! Watch the dryer, Fender.

Colonel Hall, sir. This is a pleasure. Well, Bill, the test for that recruiting

competition just came in from Washington.

Test? Competition?

There's something burning.

I'll kill that Fender. Fender? Oh, it's corporate. offended, sir. He's so

security -minded, every time Russia unveils a new plane, he starts burning

record, sir.

I thought I was going to pick the winner, sir. No, it's an open

You pick ten of the best -looking men on the post to take a test on military

procedure. Military procedure?

The results go to Washington, and they pick the winner.

Oh, they pick the winner.

Good luck, Bilko. Thank you, sir.

That's funny.

I smell nail polish.

Oh, yes, sir. Private Kodowski just got a package from home, sir. Nail polish?

Well, you see, his folks always wanted a girl, sir.

Oh,

one of those things. Yes, sir.

I'll take care of all that, sir, and the ten men will... Sarge, open

competition? That means that every chick in the post will think she's good

-looking, but won't answer. And they'll all take the test, and when they take

the test, they'll all beat McCluskey. Sarge, he's a real dope. Yeah, but I got

news for you. We got ten bigotopes right in our platoon.

Our platoon?

Look, you heard the colonel. He's leaving it to me to pick out the ten

handsome men.

I'm sorry. I happen to think the men in my platoon are beautiful. Oh, but,

sir... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Now, we've got to find out how much he knows

about military procedure.

Let's find out.

Hiya, Mike.

What's the first general order?

What's what? Tell him, Doberman. How would I know?

Give me the army manual, the army regulations.

Here, you read these. Over and over, read it to him. But, sir, I can't...

it to him every word in there. Over and over. Till it sinks in. Over and over.

Do that. Come on.

Sarge, you're all brain. All brain. Please, please. This is no time for hero

worship. I've got to think of a way of getting our star's name in front of the

public. Take a letter to Walla Winchell.

Walla Winchell, Daily Mirror.

New York City, you know the answer. Dear Walla, what secret weapon is Colonel

Hall, a Fort Baxter candidate, waiting to unveil on the new recruiting poster?

Got it. Got it. Earl Wilson.

Dear Earl, when she sees the new face on the recruiting poster, Marilyn will

realize she married too soon.

Marilyn who?

Stop it. He's doing this for spite. He knows. Don't give him that.

General orders number one. To take charge of this post in all government

property and view. Two. To walk my post in a military manner, keeping... All

right. Go on. Go on.

Government. Government.

Wake up. Government.

To walk my post in a military manner. To take charge of this post... I know

you'll know it. Tell it to him over and over. Besides, two nights will help

sleep. Over and over. Listen.

Over and over.

Are you ready?

Sarge, what kind of a test is this? I never heard of a thing like that. You

the army, they always make them tests. You know the first general order?

What? You know the uniform code of military justice?

Are you kidding?

Put that down.

That's a good answer. I like that. You know why? Because it was natural. That's

all the army wants.

Natural answers. Are you kidding? Put that down. Very good.

Are you going to disgrace the whole country? The less they know, the better

makes it for Ricky.

Ricky, I thought it was Rory. I like it better.

Ricky Rincester.

Hey, are you guys supposed to take some kind of test? Yeah. Lieutenant Green's

waiting in the examination room. All right, all right. We'll be there.

Lieutenant... All right, now when you take these... Just be Ricky. When you

these tests... Right down there.

Military... Good job, Doblin. Go and get some sleep. You've done a wonderful

job. Now, you ten men. Sarge, there's only nine.

Doblin! Take the test with the best of the men. Sarge! Hey, face!

Have you made arrangements to rush the winner off to Washington as soon as his

name is announced?

It's all set, sir. We have a plane at the airbase.

Oh, sir, the teletype.

Washington to Fort Baxter.

Newspapers, please copy.

The soldier who...

will appear on this year's recruiting poker, receive the highest mark ever

attained on a military procedure test.

Good work, Benko. Oh, Ricky boy.

His name is... Sir,

what is it?

His name is Dwayne Doberman? I did it!

Colonel, sir, I don't know what happened.

Five minutes earlier!

Five minutes earlier and I would have been on the golf course with Harry.

But, sir... This wouldn't have happened.

Sir, I don't know what to tell you. Hey, Doberman.

Picks is the best -looking man at Fort Baxter.

We'll be on the map, all right.

They'll flock here for miles to see what the reservoirs look like.

I don't know what to say, sir.

Doberman on a recruiting poster.

And I pressured them for it.

I'll be court -martialed for giving the enemy aid and comfort.

Sir, Doberman isn't going to Washington. They're waiting for him now.

But, sir, they can't make him go to Washington if he doesn't want to go.

He doesn't want to?

Let's put it this way, sir. Doberman is not the smartest man in the world, but

he's smart enough to know his face doesn't belong on the recruiting

sir. I'll break it to him gently.

Good, good. All right.

Doberman, I've got to talk to you. Hey, Sarge, how is this?

Uncle Sam wants you.

Very good. Now, look, I have to... Don't take this long underwear with me. They

might want me to tour. Look, Doberman, Doberman... Sarge, maybe this is better.

Enlist. Now. Very good. I'll adopt them. Would you listen to me? I have to...

Sarge, this is the first time I ever won anything in my life. Calm down. There

comes a time I have to be brutally frank.

You know what my mother said when I called her? Your mother what?

She cried.

She cried?

Yeah. So did the colonel.

Yeah, and so will I.

Now, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen out. Now, each one of you will be given

chance to take a picture of Private Doberman.

Here he is now.

Come in, come in.

No.

Sergeant, we've got a reporting, sir. He's not the one.

For just a minute, I thought.

No offense, Sergeant.

Can I see you outside in the hall?

Did you bring Private Doberman? He's here, but can I see you a minute in the

hall? Later, later.

Right this way, Private Doberman. Now, gentlemen, be sure to get a good, clear

picture of him.

Private Doberman reporting.

Welcome, Private Doberman. No pictures. Everybody out. Everybody out.

Everybody out. Check with you later.

Is this what you wanted?

You mean he's the... Five million Uncle Sam needs?

What happened? What happened?

I want to know.

Sir, Washington said he won't. We were just following your procedure. Never

the procedure. We're in a spot.

Is something wrong, sir? Something wrong?

Nobody's told him?

Well, so we figured an officer should tell him, sir.

Well, remember now, Private.

This is nothing personal. I... Yes, sir? Just doing his duty, Doberman. You

understand. Thank you.

It's just that you... Yes, sir?

Well, you don't look like a typical soldier.

Thank you. That's what my mother always said.

Your mother?

Won't you get past this or it's a breeze?

Now, this is no time, Private, to spare your feelings. You... Yes, sir?

You... Yes, sir?

You tell him.

Look, Captain, you took this out of my hands.

Well, well, where's our poster boy? Private Doberman reporting, sir.

Private Doberman.

Now, let's get...

I don't know, sir. I merely called Lieutenant Branson. I forwarded the call

the captain. You took it out of my hands, Major. Quiet. We're in a spot.

anybody know about this? Just his mother, sir.

His mother? Yes, sir. Yes, and you've made her the happiest woman in the

Major.

Now, look, Private.

Yes, sir?

Private. Yes, sir? It's hard.

Yes, sir?

There are certain things that must be said.

Yes, sir.

Private. Yes, sir?

Please, please don't look at me when I'm talking to you.

Yes, sir.

It's just that the public has a certain conception of good looks. Now, they may

be wrong.

Of course they're wrong. Why, my mother always said that I was attractive.

Your mother?

Your dice major?

Private?

Yes, sir?

Would you step into the office for a minute?

Of course, sir.

How's this?

Come on in. The army's fine.

Very good.

Who did it? Who did it? How did it happen? I was just following orders. I

picked up the phone. I wasn't even here.

You picked him as one of the ten handsomest men on the post. How did it

Well, sir, it's a long plane ride and the pressure, you see.

Pressure? You don't know what pressure is.

We have a new commanding officer here we haven't even seen yet. Yeah, General

Kramer. He's the toughest officer in the army. I hope we all like Iceland.

General, answer it.

Answer it.

Answer it. Me?

Sergeant Bilger reporting.

General Kramer, yes, sir.

Well, sir, there's a problem here at the Major's office.

And, sir, we would appreciate it very much if you could give us some time,

and clear this thing up. Only you can do it, sir.

Thank you so much, General.

Only he can do it. Well, of course, General Kramer. He's a war hero. He's

death many times. He can face Doberman.

Get him.

You're right. The General can explain that a man that looks like Doberman

just... Can't be on a poster for the United States Army. That's right.

photographer here to take my picture. You're going to meet the famous General

Kramer. Be quiet.

Attention, General Kramer.

Well?

Well, sir, we were wondering if you could explain...

Who is this soldier?

Private Doberman, sir.

Very good -looking soldier.

He should be on the recruiting poster.

Yes, sir.

Anything else? No, sir.

Carry on.

Sergeant Wilco. Yes, sir. In ten hours... the presses start grinding out

million posters with Doberman on them. You'd better think of something.

I got it.

Gentlemen, we proudly present this year's new recruiting poster.

Private Doberman, if you please.

Private McCluskey played by Eric Clement.

The Major was played by John Borough. The Captain was Nelson Olmsted.

The Lieutenant was Tom Poston. And General Kramer was played by Jim White.