Original subtitles

Justin, expelling you from school would break your father's heart.

I know, Dean Seymour. But look at these marks. Failing in every subject. Falling

asleep in classes.

I'm sorry, sir. Of course, if you insist on gambling all night with those low

characters in town... It's Sergeant Bilko to see you. Bilko? He's in charge

that motor pool platoon. We're here to give our ROTC unit their four -week

training course in Army vehicle maintenance.

He says it's urgent. Well, send him in.

Justin, I've tried everything to discipline you, to break you of your

gambling. Sir, this is a pleasure. My men and I have just been on this ivy

-covered capital's yacht just for ten minutes, and already the spirit of

is in our blood.

Schmill, men!

Schmill, men!

Observatory! Hill, men! Oh, it's a grand show!

Sergeant Bilko, you said there's something urgent.

Yes, there is. My men and I were rather upset to find that no arrangements had

been made for a dance welcoming us to the campus. Dance?

Yes, but fortunately I had some tickets printed.

for a welcome visiting soldier's dance to our campus affair.

There'll be a slight charge, but the faculty is admitted free. You can be

to it or not.

Sergeant Goethe, if you and your men have looked forward to a gay and

stay in some playboy college, forget it. Schmill is interested only in the

development of the mind. Sir, it's just a little fundraising activity.

That's all.

Well, sir, I am disappointed.

I thought that after the stern discipline in life we lead in the

You've changed your mind about the dance, have you?

Discipline. Army discipline.

We'll need a glee club, sir, to give the opening... Sergeant Bilko, you're just

the man I need to help me with Justin. This is Justin Pierce. How are you? Now,

we'll need a place for the girls to change. You see, the bus is picking them

at the pickle factory. They can't bear us.

We'll have to have some... Sergeant Bilko, I want Justin to take that ROTC

training course under you.

Justin comes from a good family.

His father is chairman of the Pierce Steel Company. We have the steel

Who? Who's the steel...

I don't believe I've had the pleasure. How are you?

Glad to shake your hand. Like him. Liked him the minute I saw him. There's

character here, sir. Character gone wrong, Sergeant. The trouble with Justin

he gambles.

Gambles! The son of a millionaire, and he gambles. Good boy!

Sergeant Bilko, I'm depending on you to teach this young man there's something

in life besides poker. Sir, I assure you, I'll never leave his side.

You have a knack for the devil's way, have you, young man?

Gee, I hope this college life don't soften me up.

All right, all right, get moving. You know what happens in a new base? The

thing we set up is the card table. Look at that. Move, move.

You're on a college campus. You stand still. Ivy grows all over you. Put the

chair right there.

Right there where young Mr. Pierce will sit.

Sarge, taking a college kid at cards. What are you talking about? I'm simply

following instructions from the dean. I was told to show him there are other

things in life besides poker.

I'm going to show him there's...

Gin Rummy, Fan Tan, Black Jack.

Tremendous fan of time permits.

I'll induct him into the mysteries of two -card coyote.

Sarge, two -card coyote. He's only a kid.

A millionaire kid.

Here he comes, Sarge. Oh, now you army men, we have to set an example for these

young men in college.

The first thing we do is... Oh, there you are.

Hey, doesn't he look nice in his uniform? Not above... Not above any

checks, no doubt.

Now, you notice, son. You notice how they move when I yell. That's army

discipline. Sit down.

I'm going to induct you in some training manuals that, oh, good heavens, the

boys left their cards.

They're continually playing Old Maid. Oh, Maid, that's a laugh.

Oh, is it? Well, if you know a game that has more spice to it, I don't mind

learning. Oh, do you ever play gin rummy? Gin rummy. Gin rummy. Uh, is that

game where somebody yells, bingo?

Oh, this is pitiful.

None of them. Now, each gets ten cards.

Excuse me, isn't this sometimes played for money? Like a penny a point, a

quarter a box, five dollars a game, and double for blitzes? I thought you didn't

know this game. Oh, I hear these expressions in smoking rooms. I think, I

I know what you're talking about.

Now, you found yourself a new game, Justin?

Little Louie. Who is this man? A gambler.

Please, I saw him first. Out, out, boys.

Just a minute.

This punk's been playing it pretty big in a poker game I run in town.

I got a thousand bucks of his IOUs and I want it now.

Oh, $1 ,000. Give it to him, Justin. Let's go out with our... I believe I was

dealing. $1 ,000? I haven't got a dime.

You haven't got a dime? If we don't get it from you, we know where to go.

Oh, please, Louie, not my father. Just give me time.

You got time.

Till tomorrow.

Not a dime.

You're like this. My father worked his way through college, and he's making me

do the same. Please, we've got our own troubles. You like my luck?

I'm the only guy in the world who meets a millionaire who doesn't got a dime.

When my father finds out I've been gambling, he'll disown me. Please, I got

own problems. Don't give me time.

In two years, I inherit the whole steel company.

Steel company?

You inherit a steel company in two years? I'm president with unlimited

But you're right, this isn't your problem. What do you mean, this isn't my

problem?

Your problems are my problems. I help you, maybe in two years you'll help me.

President of the steel company, huh?

I mean, your father didn't just say this in a jovial mood one night. I mean,

you've got this in writing.

It was in grandfather's will.

Grandfather's? Good boy.

Let's go.

You mean you're going to pay the thousand?

Pay? I made a rule earlier in life never to pay when you can talk your way out

of it. Oh, talking to Louie won't help. It's Big Ed McMillan who's head of the

gambling syndicate.

Big Ed McMillan? Don't tell me you're involved with him.

That sneaky character who's got his itchy fingers in every gambling

Bookmaking Enterprises. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know him? No, but he's

been my idol.

Now, come right in, boys. Mr. McMillan, this is the most thrilling moment.

Excuse me. It's my daughter. She's ten years old.

That's it, darling.

Now say bye -bye, Daddy.

She said bye -bye. Smart. Smart. Only ten years old and she came out with a

-bye.

What is it this time, boy? Selling war bonds?

Oh, no, it's just a small matter, Mr. McMillian.

This poor unfortunate boy in uniform, it seems that there is some little...

Excuse me, I have an I .O .U. here.

Justin Pierce, Jr.? Yes, sir. It's only a thousand dollars, you see, but...

I haven't the money right now. Son, you have nothing to worry about.

Did I tell you? Did I tell you the bigger they are, hot? Has he got hot?

I'm sure when I speak to your old man as one businessman to another, he'll go as

high as ten grand to keep the side of the papers. My father... Oh, he's

son. Listen, you punk.

Don't come into his office and play tin soldier with me.

Just because you're wearing that cornball uniform, don't come around here

waltzing on bets.

Look, nobody is waltzing on bets. I want... Tiny!

Get these army slobs out of here. Just a minute. What's that language?

Nobody called any... I don't... I think they want us over there. Let's go, go.

And don't let him come back, you cunts.

Sarge, why don't you forget about it? McMillan is too big a man to try to get

even with. No man is too big for the United States Army. He's going to pay

this. What did he call me? You got here 10 horned soldiers. Put that down. 10

horned soldiers that's going to cost him $500.

Cornball uniform.

Cornball uniform. Put down $1 ,000.

Army slobs. Army slobs. That's the one... 2 ,500.

If I let them off for less, I would never be able to face the colonel again.

Next. Goldbreaker.

$100. Only $100?

Let's face facts. I've been called that before. Let's be fair about it.

What is the total? $4 ,000.

$4 ,000, gentlemen. That's what it's going to cost big shot Mr. McMillan to

back these insults. And furthermore... Before he accepts his money, he's going

to have to eat this entire piece of paper. Because someday... Watch out,

comes the team. Stand back, you want to be crushed? That was invigorating

practice. What's invigorating?

This is the team that plays Notre Dame.

Okay, fellas, hold it. Here comes Coach Abernathy.

Ladies and gentlemen, you were marvelous in the field today.

Now, this is the finest team that Schmiller's ever presented.

Don't forget those secret plays I told you. The flying wedge.

Dismissed. Have a nice game, fellas.

Please, please.

Forgive me if I seem over -curious, but this is the team that plays Notre Dame?

Yeah. Who arranges this game? Blue Cross?

This is murder.

Come on, fellas, let's take our showers. Hey, you better use the buddy system.

You'll go down the drain. Watch yourself.

All right, back the way.

Milk plays Notre Dame?

Is this record for real?

You mean that Schmill has never scored one point on Notre Dame? And Notre Dame

never scored less than 100.

I wonder what the odds on this year's games will be.

Oh, Sarge, those bookmakers ain't that dumb. They're going to take any bets on

Notre Dame.

Suppose you wanted to bet on Schmill. Bet on Schmill?

No one in history ever bet on Schmill against Notre Dame. You could get 1 ,000

to 1, Sarge.

1 ,000 to 1, huh?

There's a soldier here about a charity for the army.

Oh, send him in. Always glad to see the boys in uniform.

Sir, I represent a committee that wants a level Bunker Hill.

Out! Oh, you don't understand, sir. The height of Bunker Hill has caused poor

television reception at Ford Breed. Out! The kid pays the grand or else. Oh,

that. I didn't come to see you about that.

No? And what do you want?

I wondered if I could make a little bet on the Schmill Notre Dame game.

Oh, how clever you are.

You won't... me to take pity on a soldier and take a sucker bet on Notre

I don't know what you're talking about. I want to bet $100 on Schmill.

You want Schmill?

If the odds are right.

Odds. Hmm.

I might be able to give you a thousand to one.

That's a bet.

Uh -huh.

And here's my slip.

Here's a $100 bill with my name and permanent post so you can send me the

,000 when Schmill wins.

When Schmill wins.

I'll be seeing you. Beat it, dog face.

Dog face. Add $1 ,000 to his credit.

Now, thank you, gentlemen. I want you to meet my new assistant.

Bilko, sir. Ernie Bilko.

Now, men, I'm going to handle the publicity for this team. I'm going to

sporting world what I see here. And I'd like to tell you right here and now, I

like what I see.

I see the roughest, toughest team that the old fox has ever put out on the

field. The old fox?

Who's that?

That's you.

Old Fox.

That's you. Refer to him by that name in every press release. Remember that.

Old Fox, you're great.

Old Fox.

Old Fox.

Now listen to me.

I know your record against Notre Dame is not very good due to the lack of

manpower. But this year we got it.

Now, give me a list of the names and the weights of the men you're sending to

the newspapers.

Quarterback Cyril G. Hush, Jr., weight 126 pounds. That's me. Excuse me, I

see Mr.

Cyril B. Hush.

I see Swivel Hips Hush, weight 200 pounds. Put that down. 200 pounds. Next,

Skyler Van Twitzel.

How are you, crazy legs? Crazy legs?

Crazy legs. Broken field runner, weight 240 pounds.

240? Think big and you'll be big. He's thinking big. Put down 260 pounds.

Who's next?

Dexter Lauradale. Don't stand up, Ox. Ox. Yes, Ox Lauradale.

240 pounds of the plunginest fullback that ever hit the line. Now, the line.

Oh, that's... Ha! Ha! No names!

The line is referred to as those seven rocks of Gibraltar. Total weight, five

tons. Five tons.

Now, get that to the IMSUP and the AP and give it this heading.

Schmill Avengers cry, bring down Notre Dame.

But, Sergeant, you can't.

What was that expression?

There it is, the old frame. The easiest hundred I ever made.

He even put his name and address on it so I know where to send the hundred

grand.

You know something? I think I'll hang it right over there.

Here's half your paper, boss. Thanks.

I could have given him a million to one. I want you to spread this around, boys.

It's good for my reputation.

We sure will.

Fast, heavy smell.

Oh, a thousand to one. What a chunk.

Anybody thinking he could take the boss for a hundred Gs?

Something wrong, boss? Shut up.

Hey, boss. Shut up.

He built the Roseville, Kansas.

Who handles our bets around Roseville, Kansas?

Blinky Newman. Blinky Newman, huh?

Get me Blinky Newman.

Hey, boss, you don't think this soldier's an operator, do you? An

Hello, Blinky.

This is Big Ed McMillan.

No, no, there's nothing wrong.

Hey, did you ever run into a soldier down there?

I think his name is Bilko.

Boss, look, I went and bought the books a long time ago.

You can't beat him.

No kidding.

Why don't you go down and buy it back?

Me go to see a soldier? You don't know Big Ed McMillan. I wouldn't walk across

small road to see a general.

What are you all worried about?

Those school kids playing the best team in the country.

Give me the race results.

The surprising news from Schville has the sports world agod. With players like

the Ox, Swivel Hips and Crazy Legs.

do if reporters try to get him to see practice?

Fine, and put bayonets on there. Keep them out. Got you.

Get these to all the papers. Get that release out.

Old Fox Abernathy slugs newspaper man for trying to invade secret practice.

did this happen?

Tomorrow. But, Sergeant, you can't... Now,

does the Fox know what to do when they ask him a question?

Smile and wink.

Good.

The Miller's limousine just pulled in.

Listen, those pro football players in the army that I had shifted at this

outfit, do they know what to do? All rehearsed, Sarge. They're in the shower.

Hey, come.

Yes, who?

Life magazine.

What? That's a lie.

Confidential did not get into secret practice.

No, no newspaper. I'm sorry. Please, please. You're embarrassing me and

yourself. Oh, these newspaper people. No newspaper people, please.

Well, bless my soul, it's Mr. McMillan, the chair boy. Quickly.

Never mind, soldier boy.

I've got good news for you.

My conscience has been bothering me. I'm going to let you off the hook.

Now, here's your hundred back.

Plus a hundred.

Now, give me the slip.

Not interested.

Not interested.

Take a look at that sporting company that's making the uniforms. Oh, don't be

chump. Dear sirs, what do you mean you can't make the uniforms big enough?

Why, that size 78 sweater wasn't big enough to get over the ox's head.

400, that's final. I'm gone. Goodbye. Now, when I asked for cast iron

dummy... What's wrong, fellas?

The fox said we weren't big enough to make the team.

He just looked at us and said we're too little.

Look, don't take it. Look, fellas, maybe next year, bid yourself up, drink a lot

of milk, you know.

Now, that's something I hate to see, big men crying.

Well, back to work.

Where was I? Billko, Billko, I'll go as high as 500.

500? You'll go as high as 4 ,000.

4 ,000? Yes.

And you'll eat every piece of this paper.

Eat that paper?

Why, you crumb, I... Write this down. Make it 5 ,000. He said crumb.

I'll give you a lot more where it's free.

If you think all that newspaper... but talking is going to scare me. You don't

know Big Ed McMillan. You just blew 600 because I ain't coming back. Wait.

Red tie?

I don't like red on you. I don't like it.

Let's get out of here.

600 bucks.

He hasn't even reached the first plateau.

The iron curtain around the powerhouse bill team indicates one of the biggest

upsets in football history.

Ed, I just don't understand at all. All of a sudden you've got high blood

pressure. Well, I would have been a thousand to one. Get out of here!

I know it's bothered me. All I've been doing is worrying about that Schmill

Notre Dame game.

Schmill can't win.

Can they?

Boss, maybe you'd better settle. No.

His last offer was only five grand, boss. I know.

An evening apiece of paper won't kill you. No, I'd crawl for no... But, boss,

100 Jesus sinkers. That big, fast Schmill team. That big, fast Schmill

That's all we're thinking about. We're forgetting that they're playing those

school kids.

Notre Dame, the biggest team in the country.

Give me the bomb -out results.

Here we are in South Bend, Indiana, to get the Notre Dame coaches' point of

on Saturday's big game with Schmill.

Coach, what do you think?

Listen to this.

Well, we know we've got a fight on our hands. To the many friends of Notre

I'd just like to say, you can't win them all.

But get this. I'll give it to him straight. No crawling.

I'll show him.

Oh, I almost forgot. He doesn't like red.

Come on. We've got to get out of here. Let's get out of here.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Please, please, gentlemen.

Please. The old box left word.

Nobody gets into secret practice. Stand back for the players. Hey, wait a

minute. I know him, Jabelski. He played in the Chicago Bears before he went to

the Army.

And that's O 'Brien of the Packers. I took his picture. What are you trying to

pull? These guys are bros.

All right, gentlemen.

The cat's out of the bag, so now you know. But let me explain what happened.

old fox couldn't get college boys big enough to scrimmage with the Smil team.

had to settle for pro football players. The Humane Society insisted.

Practicing with pros! What a team! All right. He's a very busy man, but you can

see the old fox. Get the coach.

But please, prepare your questions now. He's a very busy... Here he comes. All

right,

quiet! I'm the old fox. Yes, I told them. I told them.

Now, what's your question? What about a coach that's the toughest team you've

ever seen? You. How many points are you going to beat your by? Hey, are you

going to beat Notre Dame?

You heard the questions, old fox. What's your answer?

There's your answer. What a story.

Hey, did you see that wink?

He must have a flower house. Now, gentlemen, you have all the input.

What is this? I just tackled swivel hips.

Never again.

Are you all right? The ox hit me. I'm lucky I'm alive.

Keep me alert, those butchers. College team beating a pro.

Oh, why don't you come back and give him another... Oh, excuse me. Sergeant

Bilko. Yes?

Remember me? I'm Ed McMillan. Oh, Blue.

Blue. I see you in blue. That's very charming. You look much better. He likes

it. Thank you.

Look, Sarge.

I may have said a lot of harsh things in the past. Oh, the past, the past.

Oh, you don't bear grudges, huh?

No more fights? No more anger? Look, look, here's $1 ,000.

Why don't you wear a Windsor knot would be better, don't you think? Give me a

break, Bilko. $2 ,000. Why must you wear the tie crooked?

$3 ,000. I don't know if I approve of this carnation. It's kind of sad. $4

and a good job with my organization when your hitch is up. $10 ,000 or you ain't

got an organization.

$10 ,000. $10 ,000 in cash.

10 ,000 cash? You've got to give me a little time. I'll give you a half hour.

A half hour?

That's more time than you gave young Justin Pierce, isn't it?

I'll be right back.

Wait.

Don't have anything to eat in the interim because you'll have to have an

appetite to eat this.

Velko, you're an awful... I'm a what? Right this time, I'm a what?

I'll be right back.

Sergeant, the dean wants to see you. Later, later. He's got the faculty heads

with him. It's a must.

All right, all right. Dean, you suppose he found out about that phony build -up

he's going to cancel the game? He can't cancel. It's a traditional game.

I better make sure. Look, be sure the boys, when you get to 10 ,000, they see

him eat this paper. They can't cancel it.

Schmillman, Schmillman, Randolph.

Oh. Dean Sagamore, you may have seen certain things in the paper. Let me

you... Sergeant, we, no matter what's in the papers, we see what's happening on

the campus.

There's a new spirit.

You've made us realize that a university isn't just laboratories and classrooms.

Students, for the first time, are walking around with pride, confident

Schmill is going to beat Notre Dame. Oh, I wouldn't go as far as to say... Bill

Cole, we want you to be the first to know.

Schmill is going to win. Schmill is going to win? Well, who says that? The

finest scientific minds in the country, our faculty heads. We've been working on

this all week.

By using the Hedalian laws of moving objects, our plays, augmented by Engel's

law of calibrated distance, can place, they can place all 11 of our players in

front of any Notre Dame runner before he can take a step. You see, Schmill can't

lose. Coach, quick, what do you think?

Get me the field house. I've got to stop Rocco. Get me the field... As a

professor of law, I found 11 loopholes in the intercollegiate football rules,

allowing us to put 14 men on the field.

14 men? Are you sure? 14!

Will you get me the... Wait, wait, wait. Listen to our psychology, Professor.

By having our players hum a certain laboratory -tested sound... Hum a sound?

They can get pressed.

demoralize, and bring on a state of complete melancholia among the Notre

players. I mean, I got to stop.

Rocco, I got to run. Just one more word, gentlemen.

We'll can't lose.

We'll can't. Can't you? I got to run. 10 ,000. Who didn't stand by? We can get a

hunch. Oh, excuse me. Rocco.

Rocco.

9 ,500.

9 ,500.

10 ,000. 10 ,000.

It's all out. Give me back my slip.

Not yet. First, you got to eat this piece of paper.

I'll be happy to. Rocco.

Stop it. Stop it. We got the money. Give it to him back. Give it to him back.

A bet is a bet. $10 ,000.

Wait a minute. We can't lose.

We can't lose. We've got 14 Adelians humming depressing songs.

Science is with us.

Oh, 14, are you here?

Yeah. You remember the secret place? Yes.

Now. Who are you? I'm the old boss. Oh, of course. What's the matter?

Now, let me hear that hum.

That's it.

That's the secret. Hey, Notre Dame's on the field.

All right, men.

This is it.

$50 ,000. Out.

Out. Out.

Out.

Wait a minute.

Gentlemen, in gratitude, I want you to meet the gentlemen who are responsible

for the scientific plays. Let's show them what we think of them.

Excuse me. Who are these boys?

Who are these?

This is the schmilt team you said couldn't lose.

Can't lose? Why, these boys haven't a chance.

Why, our place was centered around men like Ox Laura Dale, 235 pounds. The

Rocks of Gibraltar. Just as it says in the papers and on the radio.

Well, that was publicity.

They're just boys.

Well, they haven't got a chance. It was just a minute.

Can't science do anything for them? Yes, after the game.

There have been great advances in first aid.

time in history you kept Notre Dame under 100 points.

99 to nothing.

Well,

Big Ed, you won.

Yeah, I won.

Well, look at me.

Thanks, Wilco.

Thanks for what?

Thanks for showing me that I was in the wrong business.

I'm going to buy a piece of a laundromat with my brother -in -law.

Good move.

Good move. All right, here.

Here's your betting slip back.

Thanks. Here's Justin's IOU.

Thanks.

Hey, give me that slip with those names on it that I called you. I want to eat

it. Oh, yeah, but you don't have to eat it. I want to.

Wait a minute. Let me look at that.

Did you really call me a punk, tin horn soldier, army slob, gold bricker?

Well, be my guest.

as Corky and Vern Hoffman as Little Louie.

Now stay tuned for The Addams Family next on TV Land.