Original subtitles

Dr.

Belko, emergency!

Dr. Belko!

Dr. Belko, who's responsible for this bedroom?

Point out the man to me who's so inconsiderate that he wakes his sergeant

middle of his afternoon nap. George, we've been working on this motor for

hours. We tried everything, Ernie. It just won't run. I didn't even look at

Army Mechanics Manual.

Hand me... You looked at the Army Mechanics Manual?

Just a few... You actually looked at an Army Manual?

That explains it. No wonder the motors are lost up.

Repairs behind schedule.

Confusion. He looks at Army Manual. But, Sarge... But, Sarge!

I spent years trying to teach these guys to be mechanics. What do I wind up

with? Footwear.

Turn it over.

See? Quiet.

Come, come.

Quiet.

Sarge, Sarge.

Show me in the manual where it says you can keep a carburetor running with juicy

fruit. Show me.

All right, back to work.

Work.

Once I'm up in the afternoon, that's it. I can't go back to work. Sarge, where

were you asleep?

There was a sleeping room. The only legal place the army allows you. I was

watching a training film.

Oh, those training films. That's the army's answer to sleeping films. They're

the brass coming. Brass.

Busy, busy, busy.

Well, men, we have to keep the motor.

So, we're out of business. As you were. There they are, Lieutenant. You've been

working men after all. You know, idle arms mean idle motors. We must keep

everything under the ball here.

Well, Lieutenant, what do you think?

They could be the ones we want.

Excuse me, sir. I couldn't help but overhear you. We may look like the ones

want. But I assure you, we're not the ones we want. Fortunately, I can prove

were wrong in the barracks the night the one you want did it.

Did what?

Whatever the ones you want did.

Milko, no one did anything yet.

This is Lieutenant Pearson of Army Visual Education.

Oh, how do you do, sir? You're the gentleman who makes all those Army

films that we love so, fellas. Yes, wonderful.

I make some of them, yes.

Oh, I just saw one. The disassembly of the trigger housing unit of the B -7

Bazooka. Oh, it was mad, mad, sir. You liked it, eh?

Liked it.

When that mainspring snapped, I cried like a baby.

Oh, yes, I even like it better than that other one you did, you know. The seven

don'ts for the soldiers on furlough.

That six don't was a deuces, sir.

That young lady, is she a friend? Never mind.

Lieutenant Pearson wants to look over your men to see if he can use them in a

film he had to make.

A film? With us?

Yes, it's on the maintenance of the Spark Club.

Back east, we usually suit with professional actors, but I thought as

were here, we might find some. I, myself, have had professional

Never mind.

Yes, sir. It's up to the lieutenant and his cameraman.

Of course, I understand. Yes, I'll get the cameraman and ask him how you look

camera. All right? Thank you very much, sir. You'll find us most cooperative. If

we're busy, we'll be... Hey!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Bring the cameraman there. We've got to look good.

Good -looking guys down front.

Here, here, here.

Come on, we're not making an our gang comedy. Look at that.

Nelson, good type. Smile, let him see you.

And Fender, come on. Co -operate. Fender, really.

Back, back. Right there, VJ. You stand.

Fleischman, under the jeep, face down. Okay.

Smile. That's all you got to have. A lot of smiling. You smile.

Goldman, what are you doing here?

Under the jeep. Under the jeep. Tell Fleischman I sent you. Quick.

They see his face. Here they come. Nonchalant.

Nonchalant. Here they are, Miller. See how they look on camera, eh?

Oh, Private Dillingham, I see you have a knuckle -pin assembly there. You do a

grand job.

Hello there, Private Palmer. I see you've got the hitchlock working.

Yes, sir. Oh, good show.

Can I help you, Private Dillingham? Well, something in a thing. I told you

I told you a thousand times. The Army manual.

Consulted. But in doubt.

Well, Miller, what do you think?

No, Lieutenant, they won't do it. Anything wrong, sir? I'm sorry,

can't use you or your men in the film. I assure you, sir, if you give them a

chance, they're rather happy. I'm sorry, but...

Who's he? Who? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. It must be a cam follower. I

never saw it this bad.

How about that, Miller?

He's perfect.

Yes, for that private old thumbs roll. You know, the clumsy mechanical never

does the right thing. Oh, wait till headquarters sees that face.

Oh, there'll be a shock at first, but they'll get used to it soon.

There's a certain tacky coogan quality that comes through.

So when he smiles, you can melt. Melt, smile.

Smile! Isn't that... You can... These teeth are removable, sir. We don't

Okay, Lieutenant, set up. We'll start shooting first thing tomorrow morning.

right, fellow, thank you. Well, now that we've set the roll of all thumbs,

there's only one other roll that's important.

That's the clean -cut, good -looking motor pool sergeant who does everything

right. Oh, really, sir? I don't think it'll have to look too far, sir. I mean,

we're all willing to cooperate, sir, if anybody you need. I'll drop around the

barracks tonight and pick her up. Thank you very much, sir. You'll find we're

veterans and we're happy... Oops, I'm in the wrong barrack. No, no, this is...

Our platoon looks like a sorority house.

What's going on here?

Where's Doberman? Under the dryer.

What is this?

You want to look good.

Oh, I see. You want to look good.

So when a lieutenant comes in, he picks you for the plot, right?

Yeah. Jakes!

Look alive!

You know who the star in this picture will be?

Dirt. Dirt. That's who the star is. Dirt. Anybody dirt it up. Actual.

Like they make those Italian pictures.

Realistic. Come on. Get those shoes unshined.

Be real. Come on. Floppy it up a little.

Nelson, in the back. I don't want you down. Down here.

Wearing your hat, I notice, Fender.

Why? Take it off. I'm ashamed of the hairs you lost in service in your

Wear that skin like a badge. Be proud.

Look alive. I'll run this thing. I'm protecting you fellas.

Let's go. We've got to rehearse that strip.

places behind my back.

Now. Sarge, what's with the Davy Crockett hat?

What, what, what?

The rug. Yeah, the toupee. The roof. The wig, Mom.

Is this what you're discussing?

Isn't that laughable? You get so your love meant so much. They don't

it. They get suspicious.

You know I'm just wearing this to protect my head from those hot movie

It was just laying around, the first thing I picked up. First thing you

up. Yeah, you want to look better. It was the first thing handy. I just

accidentally put it on.

All right, all right. You feel better?

Out of the east. Yes, sir.

Well, where's Procter & Gamble?

Dobman, Rocco, Henshaw, and a double. Get Dobman.

Sir, I was thinking about the part of the sergeant.

We shouldn't cast him as the stereotypical sergeant with hair and all

of... Sergeant, I'll select the role myself, if you don't mind. Well, of

sir. Please be free.

That man there, sir. Oh, Fleishman. A very good type. Do you want him, sir?

no, no. Of course not. Not him, the man in black. Is there a man... Oh, Private

Nelson. I didn't know you were here. Come right in. This is your lucky day.

Is this the man I... I really admire your choice. May I see you a moment,

please? Yes, of course.

Do you want him to wear this or the one he's got on?

You mean that he's...

That's a doorknob, sir.

Sergeant, I'm afraid that man won't do.

Oh, I'm sorry, Nelson. I tried.

You, in fact. Put your hand up, please.

That's Gadaski. Oh, wonderful choice. Wonderful choice, sir. I'll start

him the English language immediately, sir.

He doesn't know how to speak English? Oh, you should see him at the mess hall.

He's a regular chatterbox. He does very well. He says, me soldier, me.

So we can use English subtitles.

Oh, never mind, never mind.

Who have we got left to choose from? Yes, who have we got, sir?

And Sergeant Bilko will play the role of the sergeant.

What? What? I tried my best.

I just can't wait to get him in front of those cameras tomorrow morning. Oh,

he's a little pixie, isn't he, sir?

Oh, you're going to be good. Where were you? I found him hiding under a truck.

Come here.

What's with this hiding? What? Sarge, I can't go through with it. I can't face

the camera. I can't do it. What are you talking about? You'll be great. It's so

simple. I'll die. I'll die. Toby, without you, they don't do the picture.

need you. Pick a bus. It's better for Toby. Yeah, Toby, have a horse.

Hey, hey.

Help. Stop pressuring this man.

If he doesn't want to be in the movies, he doesn't have to be.

Maybe he can't act.

That's just it. I can't. Just a minute. You just used the word I don't allow

used in this barracks. You said can't.

I'm sorry, sir. Now, you watch that. That's very simple. You're going to be

great. It's just one line. Now, I, as Private or Sergeant Steady, I'll say to

you, Private Allthumbs, how do you remove a spark plug from the cylinder

And then you, as Private Allthumbs, you say this line. I'll die. I'll die. Read

it.

Private Allthumbs, how do you remove a spark plug from a cylinder head?

I just give it a twist with this wrench.

Sarge? Sarge, you're crying.

I'll be all right.

What's the matter?

What's the matter, he asks. With one line, he tears your heart out. He says,

what's the matter?

You mean I was good? I mean, it's not for us to say. If you're in doubt, we'll

leave it to this impartial group.

Man, what do you think?

Sarge, do you think that I... You heard what the lieutenant said. You're a star.

I'm a star? Of course. Sarge, get to bed, fellas. We've got a big day ahead

us tomorrow.

Rehearse your lines. Remember everything. You're going to be great,

rid of this.

Oh, Sarge. What? Can I talk to you alone for a moment? Anytime.

Sarge, even if I'm a star, I don't want you to treat me any different than you

do the rest of the people.

Is that a grabber? Does that get you right in here?

Did I tell you the bigger they are, the nicer they are?

Good boy, Dwayne.

Sarge, one more thing.

I notice I only have one line.

Paparelli, who's a nothing, has three lines.

Hi.

Now, before the lieutenant gets here, right? You do the announcement, Rocco,

know, with the big music.

U .S. Army training film B624, prevention of sludge and fouling of the

plug. Cameron. Cameron zooms in to discover good -looking sergeant hard at

at the motor pool.

Action.

Oh, hello there, fellow soldiers.

I'd like to take up a subject with you which invariably comes up when GIs get

together. The care and maintenance of spark plugs.

First, let us show you the wrong way to remove a spark plug from the cylinder

head. Come on, Doberman, that's your cue. You want me to shout it from back

among all the extras?

Oh, come on.

Let him through. Come on. We got no time for that. Get in here. This is your

cue. Private Althams, how do you remove a spark plug from a cylinder head?

Can you hear it?

I can't hear you. I'm trying to save my voice. Oh, come on. Do the thing. How do

you remove a spark plug from a cylinder head? I just give it a twist with this

wrench. Very good. Why don't you hold the wrench up?

Are you trying to tell me how to act? Come on, come on. Nobody's telling you

to act. Well, if you want somebody else to do a part, it's all right with me.

What are you showing us? The fellow's trying to teach me how to act.

Nobody's trying to teach me how to act. Let's hear it, Chuck.

What's the matter? Some trouble here? Just rehearsing, sir, and I'll tell her.

Oh, I see. And you, Private Old Thumb, do you know your part?

One line. Oh, he knows this fellow. He knows it very well. All right, Miller,

let's go. Places, everybody.

Places, everybody.

Lights.

Cameras. U .S. Army training film B624. Take one.

Action.

Hi there, fellow soldier.

I'd like to take up a subject with you which invariably comes up when G .I .s

get together. The care and the maintenance of spot plugs.

First... Let us show you the wrong way to remove a spark plug from the cylinder

head. Private all thumbs.

Private all thumbs.

Say, this'll be rich.

Private all thumbs. How do you remove a spark plug from a cylinder head?

By who?

Oh, what is this? Do we have to cancel it? Sir, it'll be all right. What's the

matter? Come on, what's with you?

The camera, those lights. I'm scared.

Scared? What are you scared of? The camera and the lights.

Oh, come here. Take a walk with me.

What's there to be scared of? That's Walt Tyson's stall.

What do we see here?

A camera.

Touch it.

Come on.

Touch it.

Say hello to the camera.

Hello, little camera. See?

The camera's a friend of ours. It takes your picture. There's nothing to be

frightened of.

Is it the lights that bother you? Hey, fellas, throw a light on him, will you?

Look at the light on you. Can it hurt you? It only makes you look nice.

Wave hello to the electricity. Call him Alec. It's a joke. They like that.

Hello, Alec. Hello, Alec. Hello. See?

Oh, you're a friend. That's the camera. Wave to the camera.

Nothing to be afraid of. Isn't it ridiculous?

Come on, let's do it, baby boy.

So we're ready. He's all right, sir. Let's do it now. Yes. All right, we'll

it once more. Right from the sergeant's queue.

My queue. Yes. What's my line? Here's private all thumbs.

He knows my line, too. Thank you. All right, wait a minute.

Take two.

Action. This will be rich.

Here's private all thumbs.

How do you remove a...

This is not war and peace. But, sir, he wasn't so tense. He's the most relaxed

man around here. Now, give him another chance. All right, lock it up, Miller.

We'll head back east.

Hey, what about the camera and the lights? The sergeant will tell you what

with that. Okay. Now, sergeant, I want all this equipment packed and ready for

shipping tomorrow. You hear me? Yes, sir. All right, you're in charge. Won't

reconsider something? Give me a second. How's it going, Doberman? You sure blew

it. I'm sorry, fellas.

I failed.

Come back here.

You didn't fail anybody. It's my fault.

I tried to make you something you weren't.

I'm just a slob. That's true.

Yes, it's true, but you're a happy slob. Come on, fellas, wasn't it funny the

way... What's this look of stark disappointment?

What's this trauma in you? What's so important?

A busy trailing film that G .I .s fall asleep before the title even comes out?

And why do they make them?

Why? It's the Army. Why? Can they make them like they make them in Hollywood?

With girls dancing, entertainment? No, they're stuck with sport. Okay,

what do we do now?

Do now? What do you mean? Well, you heard the lieutenant. Until he gets

you're in charge.

Where do you want the camera lights put away, sir?

Leave them right where they are. What do you mean? We're going to make a

picture. We're going to make a picture? Yes, we are.

We're going to make a picture that you guys will understand about Spotluck, and

we're going to do it right.

It must be to drag us away from the senator's party in the middle of the

to see a training film. It was rushed here by a plane from Kansas marked top

secret. Top secret?

A training film? Lieutenant Kirsten was on the phone. He's on the hysterical.

Well, run it. Oh, no. Another training film. I've been looking at them for 20

years and I still don't know a wrench from a screwdriver. Go ahead.

there was a happy, happy motor pool.

There was wise old adjustments, steady, reliable daily inspection, ever -helpful

little army mechanics manuals, proper installation, healthy young lubrication,

and wise old experience.

Hand in hand, they worked together, keeping the army vehicles rolling. Then

day, young new parts came in with some news.

It's a ride, fellas! It's a ride!

A brand new little spark plug!

They were all so happy to see him. But like any little rookie, he thought he

knew it all.

They tried to give him advice.

But the little spark plug said, Fiddledy -dee, fiddledy -dee, I'm young and

clean. What can happen to me?

Suddenly, Initiative had an idea. And from the scrapbook... while they

an old, broken -down spark plug that had been through it all.

Hello there, young fella. Get lost, old man.

Oh, I too was once young and cocky like you are. I too didn't listen to my

friends in the motor pool, and look at me today, all washed up at only 3 ,000

miles.

There was nothing they could do. He roared around the highway.

And then one day it happened.

He was idling in front of an out -of -bounds filling station when suddenly...

I like your speed.

I like the way you don't take any lip from those old creeps down at the motor

pool. Yes.

Dance with me, you fool.

It will be a short ride, but a merry one.

Save her. Save her. Save her.

I will save her.

I will lure him away from her so you can give him proper oil lubrication and

instant care.

May I cut in?

you off miles ago.

Oh, what do you want with this kid?

You don't want to rob the cotton? I'll show you a gay time.

You?

You're a through.

Oh, don't let appearances fool you, and let me tell you why.

There's still a spark left in the old plug tonight.

A spark that can burst into flame.

fun we had under the hood.

When my threads were not worn and my coils were still good.

With my porcelain shine and my gaskets untied.

I protected him from you.

You mean you're clean? Yes. Proper motor maintenance and proper oil

lubrication have saved him from you. Go, sludge. Go, you're rude.

Go!

Boiled again by correct engine care.

Thank you, thank you. I've been such a fool.

Don't thank me. Thank your friends.

in the motor pool.

And now, now it's back to the junk heap for me.

Oh, no.

Wait. He saved the kid. Let's save him.

We'll recap him. We'll glaze his porcelain using the latest training

It's all here, update 209.

Reclamation of old sparklers. We'll give him new life. New life!

With my porcelain shine and my gasket sun -tight, there'll be...

Get me Lieutenant Pearson immediately.

Girls. Music.

Pearson. Who did it?

Who did it?

A Sergeant Bilko. Well, get it. Get it.

You run along there. What you are about to hear is not for a woman's ears.

Earl, I didn't know that sludge could gather in a spark plug if the ignition

coil and distributor capacitor were not adjusted with the correct circuit

tester. Certainly, we've been trying to drum that into the mechanic's head

for... Can you imagine?

Improper spark plug maintenance can cause enough excess heat to crystallize

steering knuckle flanges.

Where did you learn that?

Well, it's obvious. It was all explained in that training film.

It was?

Yes, it's true, isn't it?

Yes. Yes.

Sir, I heard you wanted to see me, and as late as it was, I came dashing over.

It's later than you think, Sergeant Bilko. General Cobb wants to talk with

Oh, I'm not dressed properly, sir. Bilko, you come back here. Yes, sir.

going to find out what blatant disregard of government property means.

Here he is, General.

General Cobb, sir.

Sergeant Bilko on this end.

Yes, sir.

Well, thank you, sir. It's awfully nice of you to take the trouble.

Also, it's the greatest one I've ever done.

Oh, did you like it that much? Well, thank you very much, sir.

Lieutenant Pearson?

Oh, yes, he cooperated to the fuller, sir. Yes, he gave me full ring.

He was splendid.

Thank you, sir.

That's nice.

Well, sir, it makes me feel a little foolish to do that.

Well, if it's an order, sir, I'll have to.

There's still a spark left in the old luck tonight.