Original subtitles

Now, now, dear, it's good luck when the best man is late. This is getting

ridiculous. Where is... Is that Sergeant Bilko, best man of yours?

Excuse me, I'm checking.

Hello? Hello?

Fort Baxter?

I'm looking for Sergeant Bilko.

What?

Well, what is it?

They're looking for him, too.

Let me have that phone. Let me talk to your commanding officer, Colonel Hall.

This is George Bigelow, Captain Bigelow of the National Guard speaking.

Yes.

Sergeant Bilko.

Best man. I haven't liked him since we caught him trying to pawn the ring.

Hello?

Oh, in conference.

All right, I'll call him back later. Yes.

So you nabbed him in time, eh?

Yes, sir.

Nabbed him? So you make it sound like I'm a criminal. I said nabbed you.

Bilko, you knew you were restricted to quarters and waiting on assignment?

So I was just strolling around the board. Where did you nab him? He was

toward the back area, sir. You see, there's a hole in the fence there. I

that hole.

It's the one they call Bilko's gateway to happiness.

Good work, Corporal. Dismissed.

Colonel, about that hole. I had noticed the hole in the fence. I was on my way

to patch it up. Quiet!

On your way to patch it up, huh?

Patch it up.

Why, beautiful.

I'm the last to know when the Army issues a new type of fatigue uniform.

Colonel, sir, I think I could explain. You think you can explain?

I know I can.

You were on your way to be best man at that wedding in town after I told you

that this assignment came up and you'd have to make other arrangements.

But, sir, I had the ring.

I know. And he's my best friend.

He must be, to give you a ring.

Gee whiz, sir, the way you put that. Bilko, you know I give you men every

I let you off for these special occasions.

But this is a priority assignment.

Those rookies will arrive here from the induction center at any minute.

Rookies? What rookies, sir? What rookies?

You mean you didn't even read the orders?

Sir, I've been very busy.

Doing what?

Your motor pool platoon is on bivouac.

An annual event.

Which, as usual, you got out of. Well, sir, you see my leg, it's been... Oh,

yes, your leg.

I notice it doesn't bother you when you hear about a poker game at the other end

of the post.

I've seen you outrun jeeps.

Sir, you're going to believe a lot of rumors spread by despondent losers.

Bill Coe, all I'm interested in is seeing that you get these new recruits

first week basic training.

But, sir, you see, basic training, it's so physical. I spent my entire Army

career concentrating on... I know what you've concentrated on, and we're trying

to stamp it out.

Now, get ready.

Hello?

Oh, Captain Bigelow of the National Guard?

Oh, yeah, put him on. He probably wants to talk about the war games. Sir, I

think that's for me. You?

Yes, sir. You see, that's the father of the girl who's going to marry my best

friend. Those two souls just waiting to be united, sir. Answer it.

This is Sergeant Bilko.

Sergeant Bilko, what's the meaning of this? We're standing around here like

idiots. Hello, Dad.

Ernie, what happened?

Look, Harry, if you want me for best man, I think you have to make a

postponement for a while.

A postponement?

Ernie, I can't go through this again. Look at my hands.

Wait a second. Just wait. Sir, can I give him a definite date?

You can leave the post Friday night.

Friday night? That's the night of the war game, sir. I know.

I want you as far away as possible.

This year, I intend to win.

Harry. Friday.

Friday? That's the earliest?

Okay, Ernie, but please, please don't fail me.

Two, three, four. Company, float on two.

Basic Training Squad 345, Section B, reporting at Fort Baxter to Sergeant

for basic training instructions.

Aye.

Sorry, sir. Our truck broke down. That's why we're an hour late. Did we miss

much? Oh, get this.

Here's Inigo Beaverino here.

What's your name, son?

Hawkins. Hawkins. Write down that name, Hawkins, right after the put W -H -C.

I'll tell you what I mean. Watch him closely. Back in line.

All right, men.

We're anxious to get started, sir.

Started? Where have you gone?

What's this started? Where are you going?

Well, we want to start our basic training.

You do?

Yeah. Take it easy.

You're all tensed up. A tense soldier is no good to me. Relax.

You've got a week to relax. Walk around the post. Become acquainted.

Drop in at the PX.

Investigate the service clubs. Look in at the game rooms. You can see Corporal

Barbello about ping pong balls.

Dismissed. Who deals? You've got to... But, Sergeant.

Yes? Sergeant, according to the schedule, we're supposed to be on the

range this afternoon.

I'm dead here. I didn't hear you. But, sir...

Who deals? What is it? The schedule says we're supposed to get marksmanship,

test, close order, drill, map reading, and obstacle course this week.

What's your name, soldier?

My name, sir? Your name rings.

Here's your number.

Wilkins, William B. Recruit 5107 -6361.

Listen here, 5361.

You're in the army now.

Up to now, you've been taking orders from Buffalo Bob and Pinky Lee.

Now you're taking orders from me. I just told you to relax. And that's what I

want. Relax!

Take it easy! Let that tension go! Relax!

Go on!

Browse through a comic book.

Who deals? What, sir?

Get off my back, will you, kid?

But, Sergeant, if we don't do anything, sir, what are you going to put down on

our weekly progress report?

Weekly progress report? What's that? He's right, honey. You've got to fill

out. Here's a list of things they've got to do by the end of the week. All

right. Might as well get it over with now. What's first?

Close order drill.

Close order drill. I just have to look at you guys. I know you're great at

Put down experts.

Easy.

What is that to it? It's nothing to it. What are you making of this? All right.

I'll put you through it, Charlie.

Detention.

Do you ever see such precision?

Do you ever see such sharpness?

Markdown, close order drill, excellent.

As you are, gentlemen.

What's next?

Marksmanship. Marksmanship.

All right, any of you guys ever fire a gun?

No, sir.

Well, the rest of you guys can tell the rest of the crowd. Put down

marksmanship. Excellent. Very good. All right, next.

Character of recruits. Character of recruits is a very important detail.

We want to know how the boys stack up.

You dropped a dollar, Sergeant. Fine. Put down honest boys can be trusted with

anything. Very good.

Next. Do the recruits seem happy in their surroundings? Do the recruits seem

happy in their surroundings? All you men answer after me. Yes.

Yes. Put down they love it here. It's just like that. Oh, everybody's very

happy. All right, what's next? That's all there is. Well.

That week certainly went fast, didn't it, gentlemen?

All right, boys. Step around. Have fun. Take it easy. Do what you want. If you

come in late, tippy -toe in. People are sleeping. Now, come on. Get the car.

What was that?

I didn't say anything, sir. Just test me. I don't want an eager beaver on my

hands. Good boy. Take it easy. You'll live long. You'll be old and gray before

your time. Sir, I didn't mean to be a pest, but you see, I was top man in my

military school, and I wanted to start off my Army career by being part of a

crack basic training squad.

You're going to be all right. Wait till you see that report I got on you. I

wouldn't be surprised if they send you up to New York to head the Army Day

parade. How are we going to march if we don't go out on the parade ground?

Go out.

Go out. What is this? Go out. What are you, fresh -ass fiends? Go out. Go out.

Listen, I'm a little suspicious of rookies who always want to go out of the

barracks. Show me a guy who leaves the barracks a lot, I'll show you a future

AWOL. But, sir, we have to go out. Why not? You want to go out? Go ahead. Go.

your way. But, Sergeant, regulations state that every basic training squad

be accompanied by its sergeant.

Oh, that's the whole routine. You all got together ganged up, huh?

Let's put the old sergeant through the paces. Let's get him out in that

tunnel. Let's march the old sergeant way up to the rifle range. You don't care

about the years and the injuries I've given to my country.

That's the way you want it?

All right, I'll fall in with you.

Corporal, how far is it to the rifle range? Three miles.

Three miles.

It's three miles to the rifle range.

Follow me, men.

Sergeant Bilko. Yes, what is it?

I'm sorry, sir. Sorry for what? I want none of your sympathy.

You want me to lead you home by George, I'm going to lead you. Onward to the

rifle range.

Stand back.

I want no consideration just because this leg has been shattered.

I'll lead you, even if it takes one leg forward, men.

No, no, I must lead these men. They need me. Sergeant, I'll be glad to go out

and train the men for you. Good boy. But we need a sergeant.

I appreciate your words.

Sergeant Wilkins?

Sergeant Wilkins.

But I don't want this to spread around with the other officers. You know,

they're very jealous around here. Now, keep it under your hat. Yes, sir. I

you with these men. Handle them and take them out of the way. Thank you, sir.

Thank you. Get in line.

That's right.

Face. Put.

Put. Put.

Put.

Put.

Put. Put. Put.

Put.

sir. We've just been leaving before you got up and getting back after you were

asleep. Here's a list of things we just completed, sir. It's lonesome around.

All I do is sign papers. Off you go and I never see you. Wilkins taught us all

about map reading, sir. And gave us an orientation on the M1 rifle. And compass

variations. No kidding. Good boy.

Now there's another little phase of army maneuvers you've got to learn. It's

very good for you. It's just as important as combat duty.

It's called poker.

I'm going to teach you. It's very... Attention!

Now you take a cut.

Sir, I was just teaching him a little jujitsu, and the boy's up and

You don't have to tell us what you've been teaching these men, Sergeant Belko.

I don't? No, sir. The records prove it. Highest platoon in marksmanship. Highest

rating in drills.

New records set on the obstacle course. Belko, you've trained them well.

How about that? Thank you, sir. What the training officers liked most was that

they were never conscious that you were around.

I wasn't. I was behind a tree, watching them all.

Good. Develop self -reliance in the recruits.

Oh, by the way, Bilko, Harry Burns has been calling constantly.

Same message. Be sure you make it tonight.

Yes, I know. I'm the best man at his wedding tonight, sir. But the war games

tonight. Oh, the colonel, excuse me. As a matter of fact, he insisted I stay

away from him.

Well, I hope the sergeant who takes over the squad tomorrow does half as good as

you do. That's very nice of you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Gosh, you're leaving us, sir? Well, that's the way it goes, but I'm going to

miss you boys with the pitter -a -patter of feet and the little sing -songy

voices in the barracks.

But that's the way it goes.

Well, sir...

You see, we want to thank you because you were a great inspiration to us, sir.

You were the finest sergeant a squad could ever have.

In here?

Does it get you in here?

Good boy. And that makes me feel very proud. It makes me very proud of you.

You've done a darn good job. I think I'm recommending you for West Point.

West Point, sir? As you know, the Long Gray Line, Flotation Walk, Marina,

Harrah. Yes,

I may write your congressman. Oh, thank you, sir. Three cheers for Sergeant

Bilko. Hip, hip. Hey!

Now, look, first you take a card, then we'll make a sign. All right, later.

Later.

According to our information, if we launch our attack at 1900, we catch the

National Guard concentration at this point here. We'll beat them this time,

We better. If I lose to the National Guard once more, I'm going to resign.

Now, here's our attack.

Well, now, according to my policy, the top honor squad of the post spearheads

the attack.

Now, which squad is that? We just checked the record, sir, and the winning

is basic training squad 345, section D.

They've run up one of the finest scores on the post, sir. Good.

Now, who's the squad leader?

Sergeant Bilko. Good.

Bilko? Lieutenant, if that's a joke, it's in very bad taste. A joke, sir?

Look at the records of this squad, sir. Map reading, terrain recognition, night

maneuvers. They'll follow a needle through a haystack. With Philco leading

our worries are over, sir. Philco spearheading an attack?

Why, I've never allowed him in the games before.

Why, he just stays back here on the post and makes book on how soon I'll be

captured.

That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous, huh?

Last year, he won $200.

A little flash in the old Sarge's left, huh?

See, Sarge, we sure wish we could finish our training under you. I know, but

you've got to learn to stand on your own two feet. You are sure going to miss

us, Sarge. I'll miss you guys, too. I'll be interested in what happens to you.

Listen, if you get shipped overseas, look, if you ever find yourself in

I've got a telephone number for you, may I tell you.

Sarge! He'll be a year older.

Oh, look.

This girl's name is Tangerine. Hands up! And if she got the most...

Lieutenant? That is, sir. Sergeant Belko, congratulations. Oh, anybody

good when they're fitted right, sir.

Sergeant, you've been chosen the honor squad.

Honor squad? Hey, how about that? Never have we seen a squad so beautifully

trained. Look at these terrain recognition problems.

How do you like that terrain?

What is that? It means the tangents to the perimeter angle to tortoise. Oh,

the tangents to the perimeter.

It wasn't easy, sir. Never have I seen a squad that shows such clear trajectory

perambulars. I've been working on a trajectory. The equation of the

velocity. Is that beautiful? You tell it to them once, they remember it. Very

sharp little mind. I tell you, Bilko, never have I felt such confidence in

war games tonight. Now that you're spearheading the attack. How about this,

I'm going to spearhead the what?

It's the colonel's orders.

The honor platoon leads the attack.

But, sir, I can't. I've got to be best man at a wedding tonight, sir. There

be some mistake. No, no, there's no mistake, Sergeant. Be ready to jump off

1900. Jump off, sir? If I'm not at that wedding, there's a groom going to jump

off a building, sir. I'm sorry, Bill Cole. How can you speak of wedding?

a mouth.

We'll brief you just before the zero hour. But, sir, this bridegroom is on

verge of a nervous breakdown.

I've got to be there. Sorry, Bill Cole. Every war must have its casualties.

And this is war.

That's all. Thank you, sir.

I've got to find a way to get out of these wards.

Wilkins. Yes, sir. How long will it take me to contact the enemy?

Well, if we bring the main force up on the flanking... There, they're flanking.

What's with me?

How long will it take me to contact the enemy?

Yourself? But, sir, that's bravery above and beyond. Don't worry about the

bravery and above.

In a straight line. How long will it take me to contact the enemy?

Thirty -two minutes, sir.

Hurry him up. Here.

Let me see. If I start at 7 o 'clock, I should be there by 7 .32.

Uh, let me see. I surrender.

Surrender? And I'm out of there by a quarter to eight, right?

But, Sarge, isn't there some red tape about handing over your sword?

Handing over my sword? That's for officers.

Enlisted men, all they have to do is holler, Fens.

That's all.

Sarge, your wife, they're going to take your prisoner.

Right.

I've got to... Wilkins?

Yes, sir?

Forget about West Point.

I was just laying out some last -minute plans. Final briefing.

Vilco, you know the terrain.

Bicep perimeter B, probe zone 678, report back X -482 and call D for Davis.

Yes, sir. Plans for you, ma 'am. Man, you heard every word he said. Remember

every decimal point of what you just heard.

Synchronize watches. Synchronize watches.

Five, four, three, two.

Yep. Good shot. Thank you, sir.

Stand by.

Spearhead squad B for Vilco. It's now zero minus three.

All right, men.

This is it.

I've taught you everything I know.

The rest is up to you.

We'll come through, Sarge. I know you will, but after all it is combat, things

might happen. We may become separated.

Oh, don't worry, Sarge. We'll stick with you. He's going to stick with me. Now,

look.

Things do happen.

People do get separated. Think for yourself.

Oh, don't worry, Sarge. We won't disgrace you. No disgrace.

Remember the Lost Battalion?

They were heroes.

I have an idea. I'm looking at another lost battalion.

Come in. Make me proud of you.

Good show.

Men, get out there and give them heck.

We're with you, Sergeant.

They're with me.

Not for long, huh?

Oh, my hat, my hat, my hat.

Got it.

Minus one.

Welcome. Sergeant Bilko just climbed out the window. He's headed for the back

fence. This is it, men. He's testing our alertness.

Scouts, follow him. Pick up his trail. We must not lose him. Check.

Radio headquarters.

The rest of you men, follow me.

We're head squad B for Bilko.

To headquarters.

We are jumping off.

We are jumping off.

There he goes.

Scouts, commandeer a car and follow him. Check.

T -X -E -H -Q. The rest of you men, follow me.

Sector seven.

Sector seven. Sector seven.

Point six. Point six.

Position seven.

Position seven. Position seven.

Why, they're going in the wrong direction.

The vehicle must have spotted a change in the enemy concentration.

There's some more coming in.

We just crossed Highway 14.

Highway 14.

Crossed Highway 14.

That was Sector 14.

Sector 14.

Sector 14. They've gone off the map.

What is it? You're where?

Highway 40.

Highway 40?

Well, that's not even on the map. We could stop at a billing station and get

road map. A road map? What kind of a war is this? Well, they're the spearheads,

sir. They know what they're doing. Hang on. We're following you up. Turn up the

advance units. Stop the flares.

Headquarters to tank units.

Start pulling up. Positions will follow. Stop the artillery. All the heavy

stuff. We're moving in. What do I have to do? Join an auto club?

Well, let's get going if you want to make that wedding. Hey, Nick. Oh, no,

no, no, no. This is on me. Here I am, Nick.

You know, when I picked you up, I never figured you for a soldier.

Soldier? We don't get many soldiers in this place. Why don't you tell your

buddies about it? I'll do that, Nick. If you'll just drop me off at a flower

shop.

Scouts, follow him.

Check.

Set up field quarters. Send our position.

Tell them this is Advanced Base A for Able. The rest of you men, follow me.

Advanced Base A for Able to headquarters.

Reporting.

Recording position.

Headquarters calling Advanced Base A for Able.

Headquarters calling Advanced Base A for Able. Where are they? What's your

position?

Next diner.

Next diner? Why, it isn't even on the road map.

Maybe they're listed in Duncan Hines.

Our wedding special.

Very nice. I guess you've been pretty busy with that wedding up the street,

Oh, yes. But it's quiet now.

Yeah, thanks very much. Thank you. Good night.

Ah! I have no money!

Scout, don't lose him! Jack!

Call headquarters.

Send our positions.

The rest of you men, follow me!

Advance base A for Able to headquarters.

Reporting you position.

Now we're on it.

Headquarters calling B for Bilko.

Headquarters calling B for Bilko.

State your position.

Sam's Floor Shop.

Sam's Floor Shop?

Oh, I'm looking at the menu.

Not here.

We are gathered here today to join in matrimony the two young people who stand

before me.

And it gives me special pleasure to be here.

On this occasion, because I have known the Bigelow family for a long time...

Henry Edgar!

Henry Edgar! Get some water. No, no, no, no, no. Go on with the wedding. Mother

would have wanted it that way.

But, sir... Get out with the wedding, will you? I have to rejoin my regiment.

Come on, dear.

Take it from the top, Ramper. Friends, you all right now?

We are gathered here today to join...

Is this their headquarters, sir? What is the meaning of this? I never saw these

men before in my life. Must be a Boy Scout jamboree. Go on.

Get in your place. Go on.

Hit it, Ramp. Friend, we are gathered here today to join in matrimony.

Colonel,

were you invited to the wedding?

for the refreshments, Colonel.

Friends.

Wilkins was played by Eddie Bruce.

George Bigelow by Humphrey Davis.

Lieutenant Anderson was played by Jim Perry.

Coming next, Don Rickles stars as DPO Sharky, a Navy drill instructor who's a

hell of a lot like Don Rickles, right here at Comedy Central, the only channel

that's funny on purpose.