Original subtitles

Here I am!

But I must say I'm shocked, Miss Vasey. Utterly shocked to think such a

worthwhile cause as these dances I run for the morale of the American soldier,

our boys, should go unpublicized.

Mr. Bender says you get enough free publicity after the dances with the

complaints from the suckers who went.

Well, that hurt.

I must say that hurt, Miss Vasey. If it was your intention to hurt me, you've

done a bang -up job of it. Well, it's easy to see. There's no sentiment

It's a commercial world.

Very well. I'll take an ad.

An ad? Oh, well, that's different. Now, what are your rates?

$200 a page.

It comes to $1 .35 an inch. All right, now, take this down.

Fun, fun, fun.

Sergeant Bilgo's eighth annual Hollywood dance. Come one, come all, dance with

your favorite movie stars Saturday night at the Fort Baxter Recreation Center.

All your stars will be there.

Marilyn Monroe, Lana Turner, Ava Gardner, Susan Hayward, Gina Lola,

They'll all be there if they can make it.

That's good. Now you got it all, that'll bring them in fine.

Uh, how much space do you want?

One inch.

One inch?

You can't get all this in one inch. Well, let's not, let's not crack up.

prune it down. It's very simple.

Let me see, what do I cut?

Oh,

they'll come if they can make it. If they can make it. Cut that out, that'll

save us some space. Give me a red borderline around it and that'll feature

the page.

Promising all those movie stars. We can't run a misleading advertisement.

Misleading advertisement? Miss Basie, let me assure you, I have written to

star on that list. And I might tell you that each one of them has answered me.

Well, what did they say?

Oh, that's going to be the highlight of the dance when I open the letters.

Really, Sergeant Bilbo? Well, look, you're becoming... Please, please, let's

fall apart. We'll change a lot of things if it's too long.

Gina Lola Brigitte will take that out.

Oh, this is going to kill Doberman.

I'll work on it. I'll fix it up.

This way, everybody. In here, please.

Outside, please, Miss Basie. But, Mr. Bender... Outside, please, and lock the

door. Mr. Bender, if you think you can keep the fact that we found uranium on

Mr. and Mrs. Harris' farm... Now, look, this is a scoop. If we can just keep it

quiet till my paper comes out on Monday.

Okay. All right, wonderful. Now, I want a picture of the presentation of the

check. All right. All right, now, I want a nice close -up.

All right, good. Now, remember, everybody happy. Remember, it's for $10

So, smile.

Bigger smile.

Brenda, believe me, I didn't hear a thing. Good.

This Harris farm, that adjoins Fort Baxter, doesn't it? Don't go.

May I have a few details for my story, please? Oh, yes, of course.

We get indications, Geiger indications, of uranium coming down to here and

coming out here.

And all this area in the middle. That's Fort Baxter, 2 ,500 acres. Who can get

on that?

Yeah, who?

Mr.

Huff, I'd like to speak to you a minute. Yes.

Now watch yourself, Huff.

I know Bilko. He'll have your Geiger counter before you leave.

Hey, it's a Geiger counter.

You woke us up in the middle of the night to show us a Geiger counter?

Let's get one thing straight right away.

This is purely and simply a volunteer operation.

If there are any of you men who do not wish to become millionaires in a few

weeks, you're free to go. The door goes both ways. There'll be no... What is it,

sir? What's the deal, sir? All right. Now, listen.

I'll tell you what the deal is.

It means a million dollars apiece.

It's always a million dollars. Why isn't it just a hundred thousand? So when it

falls through, we don't lose so much.

The door.

Now, this map... First element, Sergeant. I got to go on guard duty.

only take a minute. Now, men, this is it in a nutshell.

Somewhere on Fort Baxter is one of the largest uranium deposits in the country.

Uranium? Uranium. So what? It's got my property in it.

Not after we get it condemned and buy it up at public auction at a few cents an

acre.

Don't worry, I've been working on this all afternoon. Are you sure?

Now look, during the night, somebody's got to carry this Geiger counter on

square inch. Every square inch of Fort Baxter until this starts clicking.

the night? Yes.

They're sure going to get suspicious if they see somebody walking around a post

in pitch dark with that strapped around them. He could get shot by a guy on

guard duty.

Not if this thing is being carried by the guy on guard duty.

George, why does it always have to be me? Why is it you? Because you're the

heart of the platoon. Stop that on him. And because if this was stopped, anybody

else would look suspicious.

It would sag. I knew one more thing sagging. What difference does it make?

Oh, it's nothing against you. It's your personality that counts. Now, look.

I want you during the night to cover every inch. And when that thing starts

click, throw your bayonet into the ground.

Raise your right hand and say, I claim this land in the name of Sergeant Ernest

Bilko and the men of the 3rd Platoon Company B Mining Corporation.

I claim this land... All right, go.

Go, Columbus, and find us a new land.

Then that'll take them about two hours. Two hours?

Relish these two hours, gentlemen. It's your last two hours among the have

-nots. Yeah.

I can't understand it.

Saturday night, not a light in Bilko's barracks. Not a sound. It's midnight,

John. Two hours after light's out.

I still can't believe it that those are crickets out there and not the clicking

of a Bilko crap game.

Good night, John.

Good night, dear.

Ah, so quiet.

So peaceful.

I wonder what he's up to.

Sarge, it's four o 'clock.

He's been gone four hours. I knew he'd get lost in that pit stop.

Dillingham, Kodowski, fan out over the whole area. Combat scout procedure. Find

him. Sarge, sit. They found Doberman. They got him? Come here.

Doberman. Doberman. Did you find him? Did you find him?

It's too much for me. He's overcome. Get me that brandy bottle from the survival

kit. Doberman, did you find it? Can you tell us?

Does it start with a U?

Where did you find it? Show us on the map. Point to it with your nose. Where?

Give me that brandy. Here.

You all right?

Okay? Uh -huh. Can you talk to us now?

You got something to tell us? Tell us.

Sarge, my feet hurt.

Feet hurt?

That's a sneaky way to get a drink of brandy. Now, listen.

You get back out there. What are you, Sarge? Sarge, you'll only get lost

It's impossible, Sarge. All right, quiet.

There's one way to do this. We got to do it like a military operation. You

understand? Hey.

Can you fix him up so we can spot him at every time? Sure. You can do that.

Good. I want you to arrange him that way. Now, look, Kodowski and you, get in

that jeep, get to the signal car, and bring me every type of signal equipment

you can get. On the double. And the rest of you guys will all be in observation

posts. I'll run the whole detail.

At all moments, all eyes, right on Doberman.

It was a jeep, without lights.

Oh, it's probably the corporal of the guard.

Yes, I suppose so.

John, don't be so edgy.

I'm sorry, dear.

It's so peaceful, so quiet, I can't sleep.

All right, let's try it.

Good. Palmer, you're a genius.

I just hooked a look to the activator.

So when the Geiger counter starts clicking, the light will flash. And the

they made about Edison, huh?

Now, look. It's all in your hands. We're going to keep in constant

communication. Be sure and use your walkie -talkie, all right?

Pointing them the way to go. All you guys, observation point. Go on.

Paparelli, stand by. Stand by, Paparelli. On the roof. Watch it. He's

Alert all posts. Attention all posts. Attention all posts. He's just left the

barracks. Attention all mobile units. Attention. He has left.

Keep him in constant observation.

The minute that light goes on, swoop down on him.

Bilko to Doberman. Bilko to Doberman.

Doberman to Bilko.

All right, now listen. We got you pinpointed on the map.

Now, you should be approaching the rifle pits.

Sergeant, I can't see a thing.

Never mind.

Just pay attention to directions. Now, start zigzagging, which should bring you

to the parade grounds. Can you see the parade grounds?

No, too many trees.

Too many trees?

Trees on the parade grounds? He's lost.

Listen, we lost you. Now, wait a second. There's something wrong here. Now,

we're going to pinpoint you again. We'll start you over.

All right. Now, tell me, where are you?

I'm right here.

Here? Where is here? Where?

Here.

Listen, dopamine.

You still got the rifle?

Yeah. All right. Is the safety click off?

Safety is off, Sarge. All right. Now, aim the rifle in the center of your

forehead. Fine. I'll do it.

He knows I'm kidding.

Now look, we're going to start you all over again.

Should I put the rifle down, Sarge?

Wait a minute, Sarge. Look, he said he saw some trees. Look over here alongside

of Hanson's Creek. See in the bivouac area?

Attention, Doberman. Now listen to me closely. You're in the direction of

Hanson's Creek.

Stay away from there. Danger. Stay away from Hanson's Creek.

Now, to the left.

Ten paces. You should run right into the corner of the parade ground.

Ten paces left.

I heard a splash.

What is it?

I heard a splash. Wait a minute. He fell in.

Doberman. Listen. Doberman.

Australian club. One, two, three, kick.

One, two, three, kick.

Attention. All emergency units.

Ambulances. Right over to Hanson Street. Get them out of there. Get them out.

Post seven. You're the closest.

Send up flares. Send up flares.

Attention. If you lose each other, fire rifles into the air to relocate each

other.

does that look like? A firefly?

Get me the corporal of the guard.

Corporal, get me the man on guard duty.

Doberman, Bilko's man. Send me Bilko, too. I knew he was involved in this.

The way you jump to conclusions about that. Nice Sergeant Bilko. I'll handle

this now.

Come in.

Can I go out?

Sir, it's nice of you to ask me to drop in, sir. Never mind. Give me a

commanding officer who takes time out to chat with the enlisted man, sir.

Philco, what's been going on out there? Well, I... Oh, I beg your pardon, miss.

Who is this pretty young thing?

Oh, Colonel, if your wife ever finds out... Philco, not now.

Oh, bless my soul. It is Mrs. Hall and the fuss they make about Grace Kelly.

Oh, you'd better watch out. They'll start calling you Prince, you know.

Oh, well, take it in the bedroom now. If it's a man, I'll keep him occupied.

Bilko! She's a lot of fun.

Bilko, what's been going on?

Ambulances? Gunfire?

Flares? Oh, you noticed it, sir.

Did I notice it? No wonder the army can sleep safely at night with a commanding

officer alert to all details, sir. Bilko, let's have it.

Sir, I'm guilty.

Guilty of having a conscience, sir.

You? A conscience?

Yes, sir. You see, I went over the records for the past eight years, sir.

been goofing off on night maneuvers, and I'm making it all up tonight, sir.

Bilko!

It's four o 'clock in the morning.

John, it's General Bufkin at Camp Crowley. He saw the flares.

He wonders if you need any help.

General Bufkin? How can I explain it? Well, just tell him we made a mistake in

the calendar. We thought it was the Chinese New Year, so... Stop! Where were

you? Colonel wanted to see him. Oh, yes. We have a way of dealing with soldiers

who go for midnight swims. I'll take care of this, Colonel.

You're a bad soldier, but... Where were you?

Slash my feet! Stop with the feet!

You better get out of here before the colonel sees you. If he looks at you,

he'll think the flying saucers have landed.

You know where the kitchen door is? Get out the kitchen door, through the back

way, back to the barracks. I'm a double.

Quiet.

I heard it.

Come back this way.

To the basement. That's where the uranium is. Under the basement.

We're rich, we're rich.

Say it softly with me.

We're rich, we're rich.

Oh, I knew it would happen like this. In the dead of night with a stalwart

companion at my side.

Let's hear it again.

Did you hear that, Doberman? It was playing our song.

Now, look.

Keep this quiet just to the guys in the back. Sign a double. Out the kitchen

door. Don't let anybody see you. Tell the guys to be alerted with picks and

shovels. Sign a double. Right.

Sir?

What was that bleeping?

Bleeping. Yes, that bleeping.

I didn't want to tell you, sir.

Termites.

Termites? Yes, the entire house is infested with them, sir.

I'm going to see Captain Shaw the first thing in the morning and get this place

condemned and sold to the public auction.

Condemned? What the public don't know won't hurt them, sir.

They've been rooking us long enough, don't you think? We'll condemn this

build you a new place up on Observatory Hill.

Or ranch house. Or I'll see you in the ranch. It's perfect for you, your wife,

beloved. With a big wagon wheel on the lawn, sir.

Lariants hanging out on the lawn. It's for you, sir. A horse and a man that

rides in.

Area 81. It's incredible.

You want me to condemn Area 81 because of termites? Why, yes, sir. It's very

dangerous for the guts where the, you know... Well, that section includes the

colonel's house.

The colonel... Oh, I must hurry and warn him, sir. Bilko. Why, sir, there may be

nothing left for the colonel's button. Bilko, are you insane?

Well, sir, I read in the... I read in the army manual there was a Camp Harlow,

sir. Oh, that. It was evacuated overnight, but it was condemned.

Yes, they discovered it was sinking into quicksand. That was something else.

Quicksand. Oh, that is something else.

Well, sir, I must reassure the Colonel. Thank you, sir.

Yes, Captain. The bridge game is on as usual.

See you.

Come in.

Colonel Hall, sir. What is it, Booker? I have some very reassuring news, sir. I

came from Captain Shaw. He assures me there are no termites in this house.

No termites, sir? Yes, the one thing termites will stay away from, sir, and

that's quicksand.

It slipped out, so I didn't want you to know. There it goes. It's sagging, sir.

What's the matter? Nothing. Forget anything I said, sir. I don't... Isn't

unusual, sir? What is? Nothing, sir.

It usually goes straight down.

Sir, wasn't this once a two -story house?

Wilco, are you all right? Oh, yes.

Just worried about you and your beloved wife, sir. And believe me, if anything

goes wrong, run up to the roof, sir.

Ring this bell. My men are elated, sir. Ring this bell? And please, sir, no

false heroics. I know how you are. You'll want to go down with the house.

Don't do it, sir.

We need you here, sir.

Bill, you need a rest. No, sir. A rest when you're in danger, sir. I have my

alerted. There are trucks who evacuate you in 20 minutes, sir. Nonsense.

We'll get everything. All we want is you out of the house. So...

The basement. Bilko, this is Sunday. This is my bridge night. I don't leave

house. But, sir, we just need a few hours in the basement. I don't leave the

house. But, sir, it's for your own... I don't leave the house.

You don't leave the house, sir.

I know that. You. You never leave the house.

Hello, Camp Crowley. This is Sergeant Bilko at Fort Baxter. Let me talk to

commanding officer, General Buffkin.

You got the picks and shovels? Right, sir. Look, Sarge, we can't dig in the

colonel's basement while him and his wife are in the house. Please, please.

colonel and his wife are going out tonight.

General Buffkin, sir, this is Sergeant Bilger with Fort Baxter, with the

mind calling Colonel Hall and telling the colonel when the colonel and his

are expected at your house for dinner tonight.

Dinner tonight?

Hold on, Sergeant.

Elsie! Yes, my dear?

You know this is my night to bowl. You didn't tell me that you invited the

for dinner tonight.

The Halls for dinner tonight?

Yes. Oh, dear, did I forget?

Oh, you always forget.

Thank you, Sergeant. I'll let him know.

Now we're stuck with the halls.

He'll insist on doing his barnyard imitations again.

Sometimes I wonder.

Hello?

General Bufkin?

Say, Jack, is 7 .30 all right?

Fine.

7 .30?

Yes, we'll serve dinner at 8.

Dinner? Excuse me a minute, General.

Nell?

You didn't tell me the Buffkins expected us for dinner tonight.

You know this is my bridge night.

Dinner? Yes, and he'll start insisting on my doing those barnyard imitations

again.

Elsie did mention our getting together, but... But we're stuck.

7 .30? Fine, we'll be there.

Well, glad you remembered.

Remembered? Why, we've been looking forward to it for weeks.

Dress uniform?

Of course.

Dress uniform.

All the nice to have to go to the Popkins.

Come in.

Sir, that car is waiting.

Magnificent, sir.

Magnificent. Why, in France, your tailor would be knighted, sir.

Honestly, I would have liked a belt in the back. It would have been... Oh, turn

off that beauty. It's too much.

Let's go now. Go and have fun. Have lots of fun. And remember, right to the

General's house. No stopping in Lover's Lane.

Don't worry, I'll lock up. Have fun.

know what to do.

I'll

pick

all these things up. What's the use, Sarge?

Shut up. They're too close to quit now. Close to what? We got a six -foot hole

and it's still concrete.

Hang that up.

All we need is a specimen of the dirt to show Mr. Hoffman we're home.

Hello, construction call. Let me talk to Sergeant Peterson.

Oh, hello, Sarge. This is Bilko.

I'm in a spot. I need some small demolition charges. Dynamite looks like

got a six -foot hole in that basement. Will you be quiet? This house is

practically condemned now.

You got him? Good. I'll send Rocco right over for him. Look, Sarge, dynamite...

Pick me up some picks and shovels.

That's it,

boys. The minute that dynamite goes up, boom!

And there it is. Right in our feet.

Uranium! A million dollars. A private yacht. The Riviera.

Come on, come on.

Why,

John, you forgot to turn the lights off. Who cares?

I'll call Captain Shaw and tell him the bridge game is on again.

Oh, I think it's a shame that General Butkin was called away so suddenly to

Washington, don't you?

Yes, isn't it?

Captain Shaw.

Look alive, you guys down there. Come on, hustle at the turn. We'll be back

minute.

Hello, Sergeant Peterson. Did Bronco get... Never mind. Come on, let's go.

Did you get it?

Move it, move it.

Move, move.

Now,

listen, you guys. Now, hear this.

We got all the demolition charges. You've all got details.

Now, we gotta work fast.

We gotta put this over.

Wilco!

Hello, sir. You're back rather early, aren't you?

Well... General, I know just what you're thinking, sir. You do?

You're thinking, what did you do to deserve this love and devotion from the

under you, sir? I am... Lovely, lovely.

Wilco!

Now, what's going on here?

Don't be alarmed. It's just a beating of some hearts, anxious to please. That's

all. Bilko, I want to go know what's going on in my basement.

Sir, it's just the expression of love from the men under you, sir.

Bilko, I want to know what the men under me are doing under me.

Oh, does he put words together? The men under me doing under me. He is funny.

Quiet. He's funny.

Quiet.

Well, sir, I was going to keep this as a surprise, but you might as well know

the men, as a token of their esteem for you in their own time, Taking your

unfinished basement and turning it into a game room, sir.

Game room?

Yes, sir. I know it doesn't seem like much to you, but it is expression of

from all of us. I mean, are we rich? Can we lay gold and silver at your feet?

No. All we can offer is the honest sweat of our brows and these eager hands.

A meager gift, perhaps, but it's all we have. All we have to show you our

extreme love and devotion to you.

John, that's the most beautiful...

I'll always remember this moment.

What is that? Oh, isn't it thrilling?

They're putting in the ping -pong table.

The ping -pong table? Yes, sir. You see, they had to lower the basement quite a

few inches. You know, those overhand smashes of yours, sir.

After all, it wouldn't look nice. A commanding officer with no knuckles, you

know.

Belko? I'm going to play bridge, and you're going to join us. Oh, sir, no,

men. The men need me, sir. That's an order. But, sir, I look alive down

Let's not think too deep. We don't want to give the colonel the bends.

Yes, they may run into that radioactivity now. You may run into the

radioactivity because the colonel is back.

Come on.

Radioactivity, sir?

Yes, the overalls. Yes, the overalls, you know.

Sir, what overalls?

Well, I thought you knew.

During the war, they had some atomic tests here. And they took the workmen's

overalls that had any radioactivity in them and showed it on the Geiger tester

and buried them under 15 feet of concrete.

It's your bid now.

One club.

Four spades.

Oops! Come on, it's all right, Corporal. I know all about it. When will the

playroom be finished?

Playroom? Yeah, you know the playroom, you know.

All you got to do is fill in the holes, even out the panel, and, you know, get

the ping -pong table in. Ping -pong table? Yes, the one we're getting from

Company A. Here, go. Come on, get... What's that?

Oil? Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you. Oil,

it's coming! Get back here.

Oh,

yes, sir. I thought while we're at it, we'll give you a swimming pool.

Nothing like a nice dip after those hours at the ping -pong table. Oh, I

they don't hit that pipeline.

Yes, they ran a pipeline of oil.

to the powerhouse. I can't remember when I played three -handed bridge.

Yes, it's been years since we've played with a dummy.

Colonel, you play him with one tonight.

Also on tonight's cast, Pope Sandsbury appeared as Mrs. Paul.