Original subtitles

Fort Baxter to be tested for reception center.

Men, I don't have to tell you what it will mean to show General Rogers...

that we can process, uniform, and induct over 300 recruits into the Army within

the standard limit of three hours.

We must operate like a machine, but without using any names, if there's a

wrench thrown in that... Oh, really, sir, I would... I'm not mentioning any

names, Sergeant Bilko.

Men, I think Washington is in for a surprise.

Captain Barker will tell you about it. Captain Barker? How about that? Quiet,

little Joe, quiet.

Thank you, sir.

By eliminating eight of the steps now used in processing by the army, which

nothing but red tape and repetition, through the means of my revised system,

which for the present time we'll call the Barker system, we can process these

men not in three hours, but in two hours. Two hours? Sound impossible.

Oh, no, it isn't. If we can keep these men moving at top speed from the time

they check in, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, we can do it. This is

men. If we can do it, promotions for you up and down the line.

Not only the officers, but the enlisted men.

And I may add, your commanding officer, instead of an unknown colonel on a

forgotten post, will be an officer of stature and military importance.

You're leaving us, sir.

Never mind. You'll be missed around here, sir. What about adventure?

Quiet!

I'm staying.

And I'll stay right behind you, sir, reflecting in the glory of your leaving.

Quiet! No.

Wilco, whether you stay or not depends on what happens today.

There will be an inspection by General Rogers just before zero hour.

A general inspecting my barracks, sir? Sir, may I suggest that... I know, I

thought of that too, but it's too late to burn your barracks. Too late.

All right, men, let's do it.

Oh, Rocco, these loose signs were an inspiration.

Thanks, Sarge. Oh, the barracks look nice. Now look, they've got a shine.

I want all the belts right in the line.

Oh, come on, Doberman. Lift it, lift it.

Now, stomach's in.

Oh, never mind.

Now, here's what happens. When the general walks in, you'll probably walk

like, well, this is a fine barracks, and the first one he'll see, uh, uh, get

back just a little. Just, that gives a little more dimension. All right, the

general will walk in, and I can still see him. Block him off a little. Just

cover it up.

Why is he here today?

He's the barracks orderly. Ah.

Barracks orderly, front and center.

Take care of the furnace room, Doberman. In the middle of the summer, Sarge? You

never know, the wind may shift on a double. All right, barracks looks better

already. Now, police everything.

Get everything shining, understand?

Here come the rookies, Sarge.

Welcome. Welcome to the hotel, gentlemen. There'll be a private room

everyone. Doctor Bilko, this is section 7B, 12 men. You're responsible for their

processing. That's all. Thank you very much, sir.

All right, men, let's keep a steady line. Nice little line. Hey, hey, hey!

No, no, men!

Don't be proud. That's just the way we do it. Come on, men, on the double.

be nervous. May I introduce myself?

I'm your master sergeant, Sergeant Ernest Bilko, but you men, you can call

Ernie. What about that? That's a good way to start, isn't it?

You can check your valuables with Corporal Barbella.

He's bonded.

And those of you who want to leave your suitcases, that's Corporal Henshaw on

the left and a ruckle.

Sergeant, Sergeant, my name is Chapman. I have a question.

There's always one. There's always one. Like what? Well, you see, I have some

perishable things in the bag. I'm afraid if it's under a pile of luggage, if

there was some empty room... All right, all right, all right. Put it in the

furnace room at the end of the barracks on a double. All right, men, let's have

that line. All right, a little spark to it. Now, men, in a few minutes, there's

going to be a general in here on inspection.

Now, take it easy, will you, Zippo?

Everything is going to be all right.

Here, let's get behind the furnace. I'll get you out of the bag.

Come on, now.

Now, Zippo.

Now, listen.

Try and understand. Hey!

Oh, keep it quiet, will you? Are you crazy?

A monkey in a bag? You don't understand. It was the only thing I could do, you

see. My brother was supposed to... Now, remember, you men.

Not a shoelace out of line. Hey, Sarge, the inspection party just left the mess

hall. There's a general with them. Let him come. All right, men. Give me those

steely eyes, those hard muscles. I want all you fellas doping in. I want you

back in the freighter's room.

Listen, you.

I told you, didn't I? I want doping in back in that freighter's room.

Don't freeze on me in an emergency.

Sarge, that wasn't doping. That was a monkey.

Oh, you're really cracking up. Did you hear that, men?

Rocko says he thought that he saw a mark.

It's a monkey!

Grab him! Grab him! Grab him!

Come on up and take me straight to the back. Hide!

Hide! Here they come, Sergeant!

This is an orderful mission.

Sergeant Bilko in command.

Isn't that a rather odd formation, Sergeant?

Sir, it's just an example of the vision of our commanding officer.

We are constantly training, learning the military maneuvers of foreign nations,

sir. Oh, and what's this one?

Well, surely the general recognizes the British square.

The British square? That's the square that won over India, you know, sir. Very

interesting, Colonel.

I wish I had time to show the general the Armenian oblong, but I... No, never

mind. We haven't much time.

Armenian oblong. You must explain it. Of course, of course. Belko, what's going

on? Sir, everything's going as smooth as glass. Thank you. Three cheers for the

colonel. Hip, hip. Hooray!

Now, listen to me. You get that monkey out of here. He's not a monkey. He's a

chimpanzee. Excuse me. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. Please, I've got no

time for that. Get him out of here. What's your game? No game. We're a board

a life.

Charlie and Zippo here.

I raised them. Look, I tried to explain to the draft board that if I left them

with strangers, they'd pine away and die.

Why? Why?

My brother was supposed to meet me here in Roseville.

If he would have been on time, the train was probably late. He's probably right

in town now looking for me. Hey, Sarge, maybe we could sneak the monkey into

town. Are you nuts? The post is swarming. Please, I don't want that.

Please, I'll just stop now. Wait a minute. Listen, Sarge, maybe we could

him off the post. Then he could pick up his brother in town, bring him back

home. And listen, Sarge, he could take care of the monkey. Yeah, you're getting

him from the back fence into town and back before the processing begins.

having a lot of fun, aren't you? You know what this means if they find a

on a post?

Get him out of here. You go and get your brother. Get him off.

Come on, suppose.

There's some bananas in the bag.

Get a bag of bananas. Stay right there. You, get him hidden in the latrine.

Cover him with something.

Why?

Why?

All right, you guys, fall in, just like you was before. Come on, line up. Hurry

up. Come on, now. What a double line -up, will you? Let's go. Get somebody in

here. All right, now, listen, you guys. Not one word about the monkey.

Attention, all units.

This is Captain...

to the staging area.

It is zero minus three.

Oh, no. Not already. Get rid of the monkey. Hide him in the latrine, will

need! I need!

Latrine? What's a latrine?

I don't know. Hey, hey, hey. There's an officer coming.

All right, Squad 7B. This way. Follow me.

All right. All right. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh,

oh.

William O 'Brien, have you ever had rheumatism, pneumonia, smallpox,

German measles? Next. No. State your name.

Edwin Dubrow.

Edwin Dubrow.

Edwin Dubrow. Edwin Dubrow, have you ever had rheumatism, pneumonia,

chickenpox, German measles? Next. State your name.

Harry, speak up. Harry, speak up.

Harry, speak up. Harry, have you ever had rheumatism, pneumonia, smallpox,

chickenpox, German measles? Next.

German measles. Next. All right, speed it up. Speed it up. Keep moving.

How's it going? Oh, Bilko's squad all checked in. Captain, I must explain

something. Oh, say, Bilko, your squad and seven of you all checked in. All?

Yes, you had 12, didn't you? Yes.

What? Oh, they must have got them back in time. What is that? A jam up in the

dental unit?

Bilko, push them through dental. Come on. All right, get them. All right.

Come on.

Smallpox, chickenpox, German measles. Next. Move, move, move. Everybody on a

double. Keep this line going. All right, all right. Come on. No smoking. All

right.

But sir!

Aye, that's an order!

The channel.

All right, the channel.

Open wide.

Cavity upper left molar. Next. Edwin Dubrow. Edwin Dubrow. Open wide.

Check my cockpit.

Next. Harry, speak up. Harry, speak up.

Open wide.

Overdeveloped canine.

Martin Ford.

Martin Ford.

Oh, if you give us... Small post, a chance to show what we can do. We'll

surprise you. Colonel Hall, I'm... Bill Coe, I'm busy. Sir, I must see you.

It'll keep till later. Sir, this is very important. I must see you. Sir, you've

got to stop the line, sir. Of course. Long enough for you to collect a bet

we won't finish on schedule. Sir,

I must see you. Bill Coe, get back to your station. Squad 7B, take off your

shoes. Get ready for foot clinic.

Foot clinic. Oh, no.

Edwin Dubrow.

Cleverly left arch. Check.

Next. John D .K.

Okay. Check. Next.

Harry, speak up.

feet all day, it's bound to happen.

Next, Martin Ford.

Concipian bunion, left foot.

Jack, there was a stoppage. We lost 10 seconds. What happened?

Nothing. Next. I have to take one of the men out of the line. Out of what?

He isn't what you think he is. That's for the psychiatrist to find out.

heading there now.

Psychiatrist?

You know, and sometimes my frustrations get so great that I think I'm going to

go... Next,

Harry, speak up.

Well, Harry, be free to talk now. Do you love your mother and father or any

frustrations? Do you agree?

Tell me about your mother and father. Were they kind to you when you were a

child, or about your aunt? Sir, please, just don't say anything until the

general is off the post, please. What are you talking about? You know, this

Harry Spico.

What about Harry? I just had a nice chat with him. He's going to be all right.

All right,

what's the jam up here?

They're taking the intelligence test. Get them through. All right, let's go,

let's go, let's go.

Intelligence test. Keep it moving, keep it moving.

All right, let's go. Keep it moving. Take any seat. Now, you'll find...

Bilko, what are you doing here? Nothing, sir. Just thought if I could help out.

All right, all right. Never mind. You'll find a printed test and a pencil at

each desk. Read the instructions carefully before you begin, then check

answers clearly.

Begin. All right.

Sir, are there any irregularities, sir? If there's any irregularity, Bilko,

there'll be an investigation.

Investigation? You all through?

Oh, your pencil.

Print your name in the upper right -hand corner. Print your name. Print your

name in the upper right -hand corner. All right.

Dismissed. That's all. Get him up. Get him up.

All right, fellas. Keep it moving.

I don't believe it. You may make it in two hours. Two hours? General, you

get over to the assembly hall to swear them in or they'll beat you to it.

We're going to do it, sir. We're going to do it. All right. Get those records

off. One hour and 46 minutes. We're going to do it, sir. We're going to do

I don't know. You must stop the line. Not now, Bilko. Say you don't know.

There's an emergency, sir.

Stop the line when we're on the verge of breaking all records for inducting 309

men into the army in under two hours?

308 men, sir.

308 men?

Yes, one of them is a monkey, sir. A monkey?

Yes, sir. It's an emergency. Please listen to me. Bill Coe, is this one of

jokes? It's not a joke. I was never more serious. It's even got a name. Private

Harry Speakup. I don't know how it happened. He got in on sir inducting a

into the army and you did it, sir. You've got to... Sir, you must stop

please. Stop the processing. Stop the... What?

What is it, sir?

Sir, what is it?

was nobody's fault?

What a way to end a career.

Will they remember me as a West Point officer that was cited twice for

No. They'll remember me as a man that opened the doors of the army to the

kingdom.

A monkey.

Well, sir, there's another way to look at it in these tense times. The world

needs a good laugh, sir. One hour and 58 minutes. We did it, sir. We did it.

I knew you could do it, sir. Great piece of work, sir. We can all be proud,

gentlemen. Proud of our leader here. Just think, sir, in under two hours, 309

men.

308 men.

308?

308 men, and the other one was... I can't.

You tell him what he was, Belko.

Well, actually, it's the way you look at it. Tell him!

He's a monkey.

A monkey?

Oh, no! Now I remember those feet! Belko, you'll pay for this. I'll pay for

this. General Rogers.

General Rogers, we just have to make some changes in the records here.

someone... Is anything the matter, General?

Nothing, nothing. It's just that I... Nothing, nothing.

Perhaps I should escort the General to the guest house where he can rest a

while. No, no, no, I'll be all right. It's just that I thought I saw...

I was shaking hands with the new men as they filed by, and suddenly...

I'll be all right.

No use. Tell them, Wilco.

Tell me what?

Well, sir, what you thought was a... No.

It was, sir.

Monkey?

Monkey.

Oh, the general has a sense of humor.

So we took a monkey into the army.

We took a monkey into the army!

General... Quiet!

The monkey and I swore him in. But, sir... Why don't we all look at the

side, sir? This proves that we have a democratic army.

this man?

He's the sergeant responsible for this whole mess, sir. We're all responsible.

But, sir, I... Quiet!

This is General Rogers.

Lock all the gates, cut off all communications until further notice.

Now, let's stop acting like a lot of hysterical women and get this mess

straightened out. No, a direct action. That's what makes him a general.

you can take no... Quiet!

That will be all, Private.

Perhaps the general hadn't noticed that... I know. I'm thinking ahead.

Well, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant?

Oh, I see.

Exactly. Unless this ridiculous mess is kept quiet.

Yes. Sergeant Barker?

Get that monkey off the post immediately.

Arnold, get those records changed.

I'm afraid it's not... Quite that simple, sir. What do you mean?

The records have already been sent to the Pentagon.

Oh, no!

They have the records of 309 men. If we can produce only 308, they'll start

inquiring what happened to Private Speakup. We've got to move fast.

Throw him out for his abnormal intelligence.

Well, what's wrong?

He was third highest in his group.

Third highest?

He's a bright little monkey when you think of it.

Not that!

This is fantastic!

Fantastic! Well, sir, unless we find some legal reason to discharge... I

want to be bothered.

What? He's in the kitchen?

He bit Sergeant Zwicky's finger?

Just one moment, sir. He bit a superior officer?

Oh, Captain Barker, do you mean... A court -martial.

A court -martial? Court! Marge, it ain't a monkey.

It's the only legal way, sir. That's right, sir. And once the monkey's proved

guilty and discharged, the legal channels are open for disciplinary

against the person responsible for this whole mess. Yes, whoever's responsible

should pay. We've all been embarrassed.

Really,

sir, you're not going to blame me if the monkey's... Quiet!

Cut the orders. Court -martial convenes in 15 minutes. But in 15 minutes... And

I am appointing you the monkey's defense counsel. We'll kill two birds with one

stone. But, sir, really, I... 15 minutes are not a word to this to anyone.

Ever.

We're going to court -martial a monkey.

Summary of court -martial proceedings.

Read tape. Quickly get this stupid farce over with the bitter.

Court is convened.

Is the prosecution ready?

Ready, sir.

Is the defense counsel ready?

Sir, I'd like a postponement.

Postponement?

Well, sir, there are certain legal points that I haven't had a chance to

into. Silence!

Yes, sir.

Bring in the defendant.

Bring in Private Harry Speakup.

Oh, no, I... I can't go through with it. I don't blame you. That's the best fit

you can... Quiet!

Sir, it's the only way. Otherwise, it might look like we... I'll get it over

with!

Read the specifications.

Specifications against the Q, please respond.

That on the 16th day of June this year, the defendant, Private Harry Speaker,

did willfully and maliciously break Army Regulation 67BQ by assaulting a

superior officer, Master Sergeant Stanley Sawicki, by biting him on the

index finger. No one will ever believe this.

Call the first witness.

Sergeant Sawicki.

Sergeant Sawicki.

Come on, come on, come on.

Sergeant Sawicki, do you solemnly swear... Hurry up!

I do.

Will you state your full name and rank?

Stanley Sawicki, Master Sergeant of the United States Army.

Sergeant, will you state your present duties?

I'm the company cook.

In your own words, Sergeant, will you tell the court what happened at exactly

,400 hours on the 16th day of June?

Yes, sir. I was going into the storeroom to get some apples for the Waldorf

salad. We always have Waldorf salad on Thursdays, and when I don't have any

walnuts... Are you going to recite the book and bake it with you, or are you

going to tell us what happened?

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

I reach for an apple when all of a sudden this monkey comes in...

Objection! I object to the use of the derogatory word monkey when referring to

my defendant.

You object?

Well, really, sir, until this court rules otherwise, the defendant is a

in the United States Army.

That's right.

As a private in the United States Army, he's privileged to the title and the

rank he's deserving.

A rank that has come through the glorious years to be known.

Objection sustained. Go on.

Well, sir, like I was saying, sir, this, uh... Private Harry Speakup. This

Private Harry Speakup grabbed the bananas and I ordered him to drop the

He wouldn't pay any attention to me.

And in the ensuing struggle, he bit my hand.

And that's the story, sir.

Well, it's pretty clear he's guilty. Stand by for sentencing. Cross

-examination. Cross -examination?

Bill Coe, are you trying to stall this? Oh, really, sir. I'm sure you want to

give justice in the history of jurisprudence of the Army courts. You're

witness.

Sergeant Zerwicki, you stated, and I think I quote you exactly, I ordered him

drop the bananas, and he paid no attention to me.

That's right.

Didn't he say anything?

I didn't say anything. He just chatted a little. Chatter, chatter, which you did

not understand. I'm telling him. Chatter.

Who can understand it? Did it ever occur to you, sir, that in this very

chattering he was trying in his own way to explain perhaps the bananas were his?

And does it occur to you as a private he's entitled to be fed by the United

States Army?

Milko, stop stalling. It's an open and shut case. The monkey... Ah, ah,

objection.

Excuse me. Private speak -up bit a non -commissioned officer maliciously.

Maliciously, sir. Could he... Well, to go on further.

Sergeant Sawicki, you stated that you reached down and grabbed him.

Is that clear?

Yeah. Had he grabbed you first?

No. Is the sergeant aware of army regulations which specifically state a

-commissioned officer must not lay a hand on an enlisted man at any time?

wait a minute. All I did was... All you did was disqualify yourself as a

witness, and I submit to the court, since we have no authoritative witness,

through the history of the army, the case shows there can be no trial, and my

defendant is innocent.

Innocent? Yes, sir. Do you say we can't even court -martial the monkey?

this time I think you've gone too far. Sir, I hate to give the trouble to the

court. Just a minute, sir. I think he's calling for another lawyer.

Now, you've got to let me handle this my way.

interruption, sir, but there is no case against the witness.

In that case, there is no charge against me. I'll return to my men. Thank you

very much. No charge against you, Sergeant?

What's this?

This civilian was found sneaking into the post through the back fence.

A spy! I'll take care of him. Not so fast, Belko.

Mr. Chaplin, you were in this camp, and then against all regulations went AWOL.

I know, sir, but I was ordered to.

And who ordered you to do this? Sergeant Belko. I never saw this man in my

entire life.

Belko, this time we've got you.

A sergeant ordering a man to go AWOL.

The court -martial is still in session. Just change the name from Stiglitz to

Wilcox. Oh, sir, we're in no trouble here, sir. What are you talking about?

Well, it's just a slight misunderstanding. It's very clear.

Well, start clearing.

Sir, your name is Chapman. That's right. Now, will you state what happened when

the defendant entered the United States Army? Well, it broke up our act.

And that meant?

That meant he's a sole supporter of myself.

my mother and father, my brother, and his entire family. And so without him,

there was no living.

A hardship case. A hardship case.

He's out of the army.

He's out.

He's out. Little Coe, I don't see how you're doing.

Marshal Harry, speak up. He's over.

And remember, men, from this day on, you heard nothing. No, sir.

You saw nothing.

You say nothing.

Also seen in tonight's cast were John Boroff as General Rogers, Nicholas

Saunders as Captain Barker, Joey Fay as Chapman, and Zippy as himself.

Diane Shallott as the girl, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Nick Saunders as

Captain Barker, Gordon Peters as the psychiatrist, and John Boroff as Captain

Barker.