Original subtitles

Don Rickles, right here at...

Get Sergeant Bilko immediately.

Sergeant Bilko, report to headquarters on the double, on the double. Sir, your

coat's all splattered with mud.

Of course it's splattered with mud.

When you're riding on the back of a motorcycle, and your own staff car goes

you at 80 miles an hour, piloted by Sergeant Bilko, with one arm around a

platinum blonde.

Platinum blonde?

That's all I saw.

Then the mud hit me.

Washington, dear.

I'll tell you about it later. You'd better go. I'm going to get very mad at

somebody. Now, John, Sergeant Vilko's been an angel since you've been away.

Obviously. I see that the post is still here.

That's silly.

The minute I leave, I get the idea that he's going to subdivide it and sell it

as real estate.

John, you're always picking on Sergeant Vilko. I know.

And this time, I've got him cold.

I've got him right where I... Colonel Hall!

Welcome home, sir. It's like a ray of sunshine having you back, sir. Thank

Bill Cole. You should see the men on the street. Their faces beaming so glad

that you're back, sir.

Thank you. If you'll permit me, sir, should all declare... Quiet!

Bill Cole, I am going to tell you that I will not stand for this anymore. Sir, I

haven't done anything too wrong, sir.

Now, John... I beg your... Oh, I'm sorry, we haven't met.

Colonel, you didn't tell me you're going to bring your beautiful niece back with

you from Washington.

Now, Sergeant Bilko. Oh, bless my soul, it's Mrs. O.

Here I come. Oh, my dear, if you keep getting any younger.

Oh, that silly army rule about not whistling at officers' wives. We're not

of iron, you know. Bilko!

I didn't call you. in here to get involved in social chatter. Well, it's

that you have such a kind, open face, sir.

Five minutes ago, this kind, open face was splattered with mud.

I don't understand, sir. Well, you will.

Why wasn't my staff car waiting for me at the station? Well, didn't you hear,

sir? It's in the shop. You see, one of the piston rods developed a wheeze.

having it fixed, sir. Really?

Well, it sounded perfect to me as it went binding at 80 miles an hour on

14. Oh, it purred along, didn't it? Well, you see, I was taking it for a

run, sir.

I've got you dead to rights.

And I want the true story.

You were driving down the highway with a platinum blonde.

I want an explanation.

Go ahead.

Well, sir.

Oh, never mind. You can tell it in front of my wife. She's over 21.

Over 21?

Well, bless my soul, she doesn't look a day over 18.

Why, only yesterday, Corporal Barbella was saying the isn't business. Bill

Sir?

Go on with the story.

Yes, sir. Only yesterday, Corporal Barbella was saying the isn't business.

Sorry, sir. You said go ahead with the story, sir. I'm talking about the story

about my staff car and that blonde.

Explain that.

Well, sir, you just wouldn't believe it. I know I wouldn't. Now, John, if

Sergeant Bilko was in your staff car with the young lady, I'm sure he has a

logical explanation.

Yes. Yes?

Yes. I'm sure it was a sister of some soldier who was ill in camp, and

Bilko was rushing her to her brother's side.

Thank heavens I have her with me.

So that's exactly why... I was rushing to meet you, and there was this totally

blonde stranger at the side of the road screaming, Help! Help! Never mind!

We'll forget about the incident about your staff car.

My staff car? Well, really, sir, it's as much your car as it is mine.

I mean, please be free to call on me any time you want. Thank you. Thank you.

But, Bilko, there's another matter.

While I was in Washington, the Adjutant General had me in for a little chat. Oh,

isn't that nice? Did you have a great time with him, sir? They're lovely

up there in Washington. They're a little peeved down in Washington, Bilko.

Peeved, sir?

They hardly hear from you.

Well, I try to keep in touch as best I can. Bilko, the Army is run on daily

records, requisitions, and inventory.

Once every six months, if they're lucky, they get a pad of scribbled papers from

you.

Half of them turn out to be gin rummy scores.

I just must change my bookkeeper.

Biltow! From now on, Biltow, until your records are up to date, there will be no

outside activities.

There will be no games, no raffles, no contests, no dances. No dances, sir?

None. Well, that doesn't include this weekend's dance, sir. Absolutely. But

a very important dance the men are looking for. It's called Honor the

with Your Present Dance. No! They all expel what they look for. They've made

little colonels out of... No!

The men are looking for... Sir, I'm sure if you reconsider... No!

Yes, sir. Well, I guess that takes care of the dance I was going to run honoring

the most beautiful officer's wife.

Oh, now, John. No!

Well, well.

Sergeant Hogan.

Busy, busy, busy. Work, work, work, work, work. Look at all that beautiful

energy gone away.

Sergeant Bilko, the cocky castanova. What's the matter, Ernie? In trouble

the colonel again?

He's in trouble with old dad. He's just filling his oats and I'm putting a

little cream on it. Ha, ha, ha. Ow!

Hold that.

I have a vision.

I have a vision of me riding in the moonlight in the car with a beautiful

alongside of me. Do you have the same vision? Yes, except for one thing.

Yes? You're walking. You can't have my Jeep tonight.

Oh, come on, Joan.

You may have your arm around that beautiful waitress in the Roseville

it's not going to be in my Jeep. Joan, you got this all wrong. I don't know

waitress. It's a complete stranger to me. Oh, come on, Joan. I thought we were

more than just friends.

We are.

On your credit. Where's my $30?

Now, what are you, a woman or a financial statement?

You'll get your $30 within the hour. Happy?

Thrilled.

Right.

Now, Mullen, you take over Kodowski's detail in the paint top.

Rapparelli, you're on a comrade as Dillingham, you check. Hi, Sarge.

What happened?

What happened? The colonel chewed me out really good this time. No outside

activities, no nothing.

Hey, Ernie. Ernie, I've been looking all over for you. You're supposed to pick

up the colonel in the staff car. Oh, good old Hanser. Always on a pause.

It's a lucky thing you weren't giving the message the British are coming. We'd

still be an English colony.

Hey, Sarge, what's wrong?

I need $30.

Please.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much for this vote of confidence. That's all I needed. First

colonel, then Joan, and now my very own platoon.

Thank you. Hey, Sarge. Sarge, they're nervous. They just got paid.

They're loaded, aren't they? That's right, Sarge. Did any one of them buy a

ticket to my come -as -you -were -on -the -day -you -were -drafted party?

No. They say they're already broke.

They're not broke.

They just don't trust me anymore. Don't you see it?

Sure they trust you, Sarge. They hate every move I make. They watch me.

suspicious of me. They're not suspicious of you. They're not suspicious, huh?

All right, watch this.

Private Doberman, I'm a Doberman. How are you,

Doberman? Good old Doberman. How are you?

All right, sir.

Hi.

Wayne, you're not suspicious of me, are you?

No, Sarge, I ain't. Ah, good old Doberman. I'll tell you what, Doberman.

Here's my last five dollars.

I want you to have it.

Oh, Sarge, give me a break.

I'll give you a break. I'm offering you five dollars. There's no strings

attached to it.

Why are you always picking on me? Why don't you pick on somebody else? Why am

always the patsy? What kind of patsy? I'm offering you... That's an order.

the five dollars.

No. No.

All right.

Here it is. Any of you fellas want to take it?

Not suspicious of me, I hear. You take the $5. But, Sergeant, it's your last

Doesn't matter. I think better when I'm broke.

Got to find a way to find that $30.

We'll hustle up the dance tickets. No, no. No more outside activities.

I got to find some way to make the Colonel change his mind.

Hey. Get me an application for a transfer. On a double. Sarge, you going

leave this outfit? Get crazy.

The colonel will never let you go.

Exactly. I got to teach him a lesson. The colonel's got to learn that he

interfere with private enterprise.

It's going to be an awful shock to him. He ain't a young man anymore. He asked

for it. Get me that transfer. On a double. Here. All right.

I'm through thinking.

Sir, I have Lieutenant Anderson's permission to speak to the Colonel.

your mind, Colonel?

Well, sir, I know I have this request which will come as a shock to you, but

sir, when a man has been on the same post for eight years, he yearns for new

horizons. Here's your transfer. I know you'll try to stop me, but please don't,

sir. I know you'll miss me around here, sir. Here are your train tickets.

Please, sir, I must have these new adventures. I know you'll have trouble

replacing me. I've arranged for a car to take you to the station. Please don't

try to stop me, sir, because I know you want me here. Your new post is for

Jason. And you need me... Good luck.

Thank... I'm gone? You're gone.

Yes, sir.

Did the colonel call me back? Did you say something, sir?

I'm gone.

I'm gone.

He's gone.

He's gone.

This is Colonel Burke at Fort Jason. Where are those half -tracks?

Sergeant Vilko reporting, sir. Please, I'm telephoning.

Never mind the excuses. Just get them here.

Oh, Sergeant Vilko. Yes, sir.

Sergeant, I met Mary to glance over your army record last night, but I found it

so fantastic, I was up all night.

Well, Sergeant, the records only give that side of it, so my side isn't

entirely... Sergeant, did you actually put a jet engine in an army staff car

enter it in the local stock car race?

Let me assure the Colonel that the prize was of minor consideration. I just

wanted to show that our cars can... Sergeant.

Sir? Tell me if I am wrong, but did you attempt to celebrate Benedict Arnold's

birthday with a let bygones be bygones dance?

You see, sir, the way I look at it, sir, why hold grudges? The man just got in

with the wrong crowd, sir.

What I had in mind, sir.

Let bygones be bygones, huh?

Well,

it's obvious the colonel has a sense of humor, hasn't he? Sergeant, this camp is

dead in its feet. It needs a man like you to stir things up, keep the men

Let bygones be bygones.

Oh, I've got some ideas.

Your training records just came in, sir. Good. Oh, Corporal Mallory, show

Sergeant Delco around the post. And make him feel at home.

Yes, sir. Follow me. Corporal, take that.

Now, take.

Follow as much.

I think I should tell you, Corporal. You see, sometimes it takes years for me to

feel at home. You understand?

Now, Sergeant, please.

First, I'd like to show you our NCO club. Then we have an excellent motor

Then there's... I have a vision.

I have a vision of a moonlight ride in your Jeep tonight with a beautiful girl

beside me. Do you have the same vision?

Yes, except for one thing. What's that?

I haven't got a Jeep. No Jeep.

I have a Jaguar. A Jaguar!

Oh, it seems.

Now that Bilko's not around.

Sergeant Baker, sir?

Ah, send him right in.

Bilko's replacement.

Excellent record.

Sergeant Baker reporting.

Sergeant Baker.

Welcome to Fort Baxter.

Now, Sergeant, I would like you to inspect... I have already inspected the

pool, sir, and if I may say so, its records are the most disorganized I have

ever seen.

I know.

Now, I would like... I anticipated that the Colonel would want these records up

to date and will have them in working all night if necessary to fulfill that

order.

Up to date?

Well, now, when you're through... I anticipated that the Colonel would want

complete inventory of all parts, tools, and army vehicular equipment. Said

inventory will be on your desk no later than 0900 tomorrow.

Oh, thank you.

Does the Colonel wish anything else, sir?

Right now.

Not right now. I hope you'll be happy on this post, Sergeant. If the Colonel

will allow me to say this, I will be happy only when our motor pool has

an efficiency rating of triple A.

Colonel.

Lieutenant.

Triple A.

Bilko had a D.

Sergeant Bilko? He's our new waterfall topkick. He's wonderful. He's got bed

-making contests. He's running a serial number raffle.

Raffle? He has a staff car available for groups.

Hey, this guy's doing all right financially.

You're not kidding. We ought to meet him. Oh, he'd love that. He's very

friendly. Yeah, we can be friendly too, huh, fella?

He's got a boy to keep everything on. I thought you'd all find up. Good boys,

good boys. Now get the other posters all over the place.

Sergeant Philco. Sergeant who? Who called me?

Steve Kaufowitz.

I'm the mess sergeant. Oh, I see. Say, that's as nice of you to say hello,

Steve. How are you? Hello, Brian. Supply.

Supply. You boys do a bang -up job at supply. How are you? It's nice to see

Sergeant Porter, signal call. It's a pleasure. Glad to see you. Say, you

will be a very friend. Oh, please, don't let me interrupt you. Oh, no, we're

just churning a little time, playing some poker.

Poker? Yeah. Oh, is that anything like Old Maid?

You'll love this game. Why don't you sit in with us? Oh, I... Oh, come on. Come

on. Well, all right. Maybe I will.

Just for an inning or so.

Inning? Yes. That's baseball.

Oh, that's true. It shows you what a dunderhead I am about the high -set

innings. Oh, I'll only spoil you. Come on.

You'll learn as you go along.

I'll play on one condition. Now, you boys promise not to laugh at me. Oh,

Now, look. It's your deal. My what?

Your deal? Oh, that's when you distribute the cards. Oh, I believe they

be mixed, too. Oh, I'm so clumsy. You'd better play along. Oh, you're doing

fine. All right.

I believe this is played for money. All right.

Is everybody in?

Yep. All righty.

Well, that does it, Hogan.

More motor pool reports? If they put a patch on an inner tube down there now,

different reports are made of it in triplicate.

Sergeant Hogan, the sooner you realize that this is a military installation and

not a country club anymore, the happier you're going to be.

Yes, sir.

Well, I've cleaned my desk up.

Let's go now.

It's about time.

For the Colonel's approval, sir, daily

maintenance reports, fuel consumption data, and a complete breakdown on the

mileage of each Army vehicle and the amount of fuel used by same as of 1 ,800

hours of state. Oh, good work. Good work, Sergeant. I'll take care of that

the morning.

I remind the colonel that if he checks these reports out tonight, they can be

division headquarters at 0900 tomorrow for extra consideration toward a triple

-A rating.

Of course, of course.

That'll be all, Sergeant.

Well, I won't be able to go home with you tonight for dinner. John, you

had dinner at home this week. I know, Nell, but look here.

What is it, Sergeant? I was waiting for the colonel to return my salute, sir.

Oh.

It's my turn?

Yes, sir. Oh, let me see if I understand this right. Now, I take the pool. No,

no, no.

Pool is the name of the game. Now, this is called a cue. Oh, the cue. I must be

the cue. All right. And then? Then you hit the ball.

Oh, then I hit the ball. All right.

Like this, see?

Oh, like that. I see. Are all the bets down? Right. All right.

Three ball in the side.

Nick's ball in the corner.

Come here, little darling eight -ball. Come here, little eight -ball. Here you

go. Ha!

Amazing. Simply amazing.

Sergeant Bill, Sergeant Bill.

I want to get in your football pool. I'd like two tickets to the Hello Autumn

Ball. All right. See Private Lockerbill. He'll take care of everything.

Sergeant Bates will wish to report, sir, that the three 10 -ton diesels cannot

be operated until a special wheel box squeeze arrives from the supply depot in

Tulsa. Oh, no.

This is an instantaneous report. Sergeant Bates will send the full

reports immediately.

Very well. Murder! I heard that!

Working too hard, Private Paparelli? No, sir.

Is the sudden shock of giving the Army a day's work for a day's pay getting to

it, too? No, sir. If your platoon can't keep up with your new sergeant... Oh,

no, I'm too busy. I'm sorry. I can't... John, it's the marketing.

Here's a list.

On furlough, Private Paparelli? Right back at you.

Sergeant Major?

The report's on the breakdown of the diesel, sir. The colonel can see that we

are not to blame.

I know. The wheelbox grease got lost in channels.

Exactly, sir. My original requisition and voucher clearly states that I

ordered... I know, but, Sergeant, we never had any breakdown before. How did

Bilko get all the grease or anything else he wanted at a moment's notice?

I wouldn't mention that, sir. Not for the record. What do you mean?

I have discovered that contrary to all Army regulations, Sergeant Bilko had a

private deal with a local filling station.

He got grease, parts, anything he wanted locally. How did he do it? The colonel

may have noticed that many civilian cars in this area have Jeep tires.

Grateful. But we never had any breakdowns. If the colonel is displeased

adherence to Army regulations, I will bring in my duplicate order, sir. No,

you're doing a wonderful job, Sergeant. Thank you, sir.

Oh, Sergeant, will you send one of your drivers into town? My wife has some

shopping. Tessa doesn't like tomatoes.

I'm sorry, sir. Army regulation 40 -60.

Civilian produce cannot be transported in a military vehicle.

It's only a dozen tomatoes.

General Bufkin is coming for dinner.

We're planning on making tomatoes a pie.

I'm sorry, sir, but if we break one army regulation, we weaken them all.

But I've already bought the tuna fish salad.

Sergeant, I'm putting it in the form of an order.

Yes, sir.

Will the colonel write an official letter exonerating me and the driver of

vehicle?

Well,

open up a can of sardines.

If you wish to keep me here longer, may I have a time statement from you stating

why I was delayed, the amount of time I was delayed, by whom I was delayed?

Never mind!

Give me a go.

Thank you, sir.

Now, look, Alan.

John, I'm over my head in work, and I just had... What another... This is the

19th batch of inventory. What do you want? This just came in, sir. The motor

pool has been given a triple A rating.

Oh, goody.

Now, what is happening to me? I'm screaming at my people.

What's wrong with me? You know, don't you, John?

Bilko. No, no, don't say it. You missed Bilko, admitted.

After all, after working with him for eight years, why, you can't get along

without him. Have him ordered back.

No.

I'll resign from the service first.

All right, come on, Krapowitz. You're in or out.

Okay. I'll call you.

What do you got?

Well, that beats me. I got two pair.

Two pair?

And you called me?

I had three of a kind showing.

I was trying to draw the third ace.

I was trying to draw the third ace.

There were two aces out already.

Come on. Oh, this is too easy. Now, come on. Our luck will change.

What luck? Luck has nothing to do with your pigeon.

I mean, give me a run for it. Make it a little tougher.

Frame me. Stack the cards.

I want four tickets for the Come As Your Secret Ambition double.

No more dances for me, please.

Why? Why no more dances? I'm not the USO. Get somebody else around to dance.

more dances? But I got this money. Oh, will you look at this poor soul. Look at

this pigeon. He's dying of... Did you pay $5 for my Hello Autumn, Dan?

What did I do for you?

I played you some records and threw leaves in your face, right?

Why don't you get right to yourself, suckers? You're being taken.

Come on, Bill. Go take the money. Oh, keep it.

Pigeon. Pigeon.

Oh.

Please,

leave me alone with your money. Please.

Enough, enough. I'm hemmed in here. Please, no more.

At Fort Baxter, at least it was a challenge. They tried to hide from me. I

them, but they tried to hide from me.

You, get me an application for a transfer right away. A transfer?

What are we going to do?

What are you going to do?

Buy a defense fund.

Leave me alone. Just keep them. Go away. Leave me alone.

Suckers.

Request Master Sergeant E. Bilko, if he is so disposed, to return.

Your request?

That's a top secret.

I know Bilko.

If he should suspect that I requested his return, he'll drive a hard bargain.

Yes?

Bilko? Outside?

Is he here?

Send him right in.

He passed me by the post. I thought I'd drop in for a visit just to see him.

Came crawling back, eh?

Crawling, sir?

Came crawling back like a whipped dog.

Really, Colonel, your choice of words, I don't understand. I don't know if I

will take you back, Bilko. Yes, I can understand. I hear you've got a real

sergeant around here now. Top man. You wouldn't recognize him out of pool.

No, hardly. I passed by there. None of the diesels are working, sir. They will

be.

We sent a tracer through channels.

Through channels.

Of course, if, uh...

You did want to come back.

You'd have to agree to my terms.

Colonel does drive a hard bargain, sir. No arguments?

Yes or no?

Excuse me, sir. I must get back. Do you want me to complete your request for

Sergeant Bilko's transfer? Coogan!

Well,

Bilko, do you want to come back?

Oh, I don't know, sir.

I got a pretty good deal up there at camp, Jason. All the dances are gone.

didn't see any harm in your dances, but only on regular holidays.

Oh, sir, there's still the question of the staff car we left in the open. Well,

it'll be at my disposal, not yours.

Oh, really, sir? I mean, after all, when you consider those errands for the

colonel's wife, those are military... There you go! That's blackmail! Sir, you

do jump to conclusions, sir.

Sergeant Hogan, tell my wife I'll be home for dinner. Yes, sir.

Well, okay, only on Wednesdays. Oh, so we have to discuss Saturday. Oh, no, you

don't. I know that.

But I use the vehicle of the Army, Bobby, so you've got to be wrong.

Nice to be back.

Nice to have you back, Ernie.

Let's talk about that.

Bob Hastings was seen as Sergeant Beecher. Hope Sandsbury was Mrs. Hall.

Elizabeth Fraser played Sergeant Hogan.

Central, the only channel that's funny on purpose.