Original subtitles

Maybe get me General Merritt in Washington.

Now, let's get started on those TV spot announcements.

You cheered to Rory Mundane and Gloria Glow in their torrid love scenes and C

.D. Chadwick's great tribute to our fighting G .I .s. They met in Okinawa.

You thrilled at the song hits in C .D. Chadwick's great war epic, Iwo Jima

Now comes his most colossal of all battle pictures, the true story of the

who landed on the beaches to win the Battle of Caboose Island, Guns, Guts,

Gals. Hold on, will you, baby? Now take this down.

A tribute to the men of Kabuchi Island. They made the Japanese say uncle, and

the girls say more, more, more.

General Merritt, Jake Benson, did you get the script and the advanced

of C .D.'s new picture?

Oh, but think of the boys who fought on Kabuchi.

What sort of a tribute is this?

Their battle flag was a torn sarong, but they blasted their way into Tokyo.

Look, General, C .D. makes five million dollars in every war picture. Let's not

argue with success.

How about that army cooperation?

They want cooperation. Maybe if we didn't cooperate on this.

We've got to cooperate.

Chadwick will go ahead and make the picture anyway.

At least this way we'll know they've got our soldiers in American uniforms.

Okay. Benson, please, reconsider.

Not a chance.

By the way, General, what did you do about that request I wired you about

sending us a soldier who was in the Battle of Caboochee and is still in the

Army? You know, sort of a technical advisor?

I'm checking the records.

Technical advisor.

She'll take a couple of publicity pictures and then send the poor guy back

without even seeing the studio. I know the routine.

General, you kill me.

This just came in from record, sir. Sergeant E. Bilko.

What's that?

That soldier they want in Hollywood, sir, who was in the Battle of Caboochee

is still in the Army. He's stationed at Fort Baxter.

Fort Baxter?

Where's that?

Roseville, Kansas. It's a very small installation.

I'll get the commanding officer for you, sir. Colonel J .T. Ball.

You're all permanent party.

With special attention to Sergeant Bilko, in charge of motor pool.

Reports have reached me that army vehicles have again been observed at the

drive -in theater.

I wish to point out... Take that, Lieutenant.

I wish to point out that army vehicles... Hold on.

It's the Pentagon.

The Pentagon?

Calling this post?

They must have the wrong number.

No, sir. It's for you. They're connecting you with General Merritt.

For me?

Yes, sir.

Colonel Hall is ready.

The Pentagon calling?

Maybe we're at war.

Lieutenant, did you hear anything on the radio this morning?

No, sir.

General Merritt, here's Colonel Hall, sir.

General Merritt?

Bilko, representing the Army.

If I may be permitted, sir, he's not the man.

Yes, sir.

I see.

I'll wait for the orders.

Get Bilko.

Bilko? Yes.

They're sending him on an extended, all expenses paid trip to Hollywood.

To Hollywood?

Yes. Who said crime does not pay?

Dr. Bilko, sir.

Can I have a minute? I heard you wanted me. I dropped everything and rushed

right over.

Now, how did these get in here?

I just received orders from Washington.

They're leaving us. You'll be missed on this post. Why don't we give a party,

get some cold cuts, look at that. Wilco!

Why must the most serious conversation with you suddenly become a sparring

match? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It's just that you're so jovial to talk with, sir.

enjoy it. Wilco!

The order from the Pentagon concerns you.

Me, sir? It concerns the time you were on Kabuchi Island.

Oh, that. Are they bringing that up again?

Sir, the call of inventory definitely proved that that native girl was lying.

Wilco! I did pay her for the laundry, Lieutenant. I gave her the standard rate

12 cigar coupons. 12?

It's not that. Washington is sending you to Hollywood. You should see what she

did to my laundry, Lieutenant. Crushed every button. I mean, you can't get them

in shape. It's enough to drive you out of... Excuse me, sir. I thought I heard

you say something fantastic about Hollywood.

I must be dreaming of something else, I guess. They're making a war picture

about the Battle of Caboche. And the Army is sending you to Hollywood for an

indefinite period.

Really, sir, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I never

you'd resort to practical jokes. Oh, sir, you do kid me. It's a joke, all

But it's true.

Here are your orders. You leave at once.

A movie?

I knew it. It was just a question of time. A movie. I knew this would happen.

Remember now, Bilko, you're representing the United States Army.

Bilko? Bilko Ankabuchi.

What a picture.

Bilko, I know you.

Now, if I hear that you've caused those people the slightest amount of

trouble... Trouble? Sir, I'll give them my full cooperation.

As a matter of fact, I'd better hurry, sir. I wouldn't want to cause any delays

on my account. And thank you both very much, sir. And believe me, sir, when I

get there, I'll see to it that you're represented in this picture. Me?

Well, I was in Australia at the time. It's the same war. What difference does

make?

And I'll see the character that plays you as somebody worthy of the...

I have it, sir. I know who'll play you. I've got the actor in mind. Spencer

Tracy. Please don't fight it with Swayze, sir. I know it's you. Spencer

feel it. Thank you both very much. Spencer Tracy. Don't talk me out of it,

Milko! I'll have no nonsense.

Spencer Tracy.

Yes, sir. It is ridiculous, isn't it?

You weren't so ridiculous about it. Oh, nothing, sir.

In a few minutes, we're going to be down there and we're going to see those

cameras grinding.

I want them to catch the heroism, the raw bravery of Rory Mundane.

I want the story of Sergeant Skinner.

Miss Ryan, this is a conference. What is it? It's the Sergeant Bilko.

Sergeant what? He's that D .I. we brought out here who was actually in the

Battle of Caboochee. I'll get rid of him, C .D. Now, Benson, you know I don't

want any soldiers around when I'm making a war picture. It makes me nervous.

Right, I'll send him on his way, C .D.

Oh, and he probably will want to thank us. Send him in.

That's a gracious thought, C .D. Now, look, boys, he's going to be a little

overwhelmed. You know a soldier among important people.

Try to make him feel at ease.

Offer to shake hands with him.

They appreciate things like that. C .D.

Chudwick, we meet at last. At last. Believe me, C .D., you are a hero to us

boys. And at war, every time there was a lull in the fighting, they showed one

of your battle pictures. And I'd like to say right here and now, it took our

minds off the war.

How are you? I don't think I've had the pleasure. How are you? Danny Bond.

Danny Bond, the well -known director.

Say, look at those.

I guess I'd direct a few people in my time. Do what about that?

How are you? Glad to see you. I don't think I've had the pleasure.

written saw all your pictures. Believe me, with this picture, you're going to

make a comeback.

You're all right.

We're very busy. Please, if you don't mind.

Is that Julie Stein, the well -known songwriter?

Yes, perhaps later on. Julie Stein, I've waited for this all my life. This is a

writer, gentlemen. This is a proud moment. He writes.

How'd you like that statement I gave to the press? I guess they'll think twice

before they ever refer to you as Hokey Pokey Chadwick again. Who called me

Pokey? How's C .D. doing?

Keeping things from the old man. He's all right. He's keeping away from all

these little disturbances. He's a good man here. Good man.

Benson, what have you been keeping from me? It means nothing, C .D. Certain

irresponsible movie critics. Dogs.

Dogs. Mad dogs.

Fighting at the heels of one of the greatest movie producers since Georgie

Jessel. This man...

Look, Sergeant, we're all ready to go. There's really nothing more that you can

do. What I can do? Say, I'm going to start to tell you how to make pictures.

wouldn't presume.

I'll just sit here as quiet as a mouse.

Here we go. Look at that.

All right, this is going to be great. Go ahead, C .D.

Thank you.

Men, in a few minutes... We got them for free. Help yourself, fellas. Sergeant,

please, Mr. Chadwick is trying to make... I'm not trying anymore.

I'm giving it up.

Now get down on that set and get those cameras rolling.

Get him out of here.

You'll be gone in five minutes, C .D. Now, look, Miller, I know how Rory loves

those close -ups, but we've got to have long shots.

This is a $50 ,000 set, and Sampson here made an exact replica of it.

Anything wrong, Sergeant?

What is this?

What's that?

You were at Caboochee. You don't recognize that? That, Sergeant Bilko, is

accurate reproduction of the north end of Caboochee Island. Oh, the north end.

Oh, please forgive me. No wonder I didn't recognize it.

You see, I was at the south end where the battle took place. The battle took

place in the south end? He's crazy. I have all the army records right here.

is where the key battle of Caboochee took place. Well, excuse me. I just

happened to be there at the time. I don't know what I'm talking about. As a

matter of fact, gentlemen, I prepared some brochures on my contribution to the

battle. Be free to use my name, whatever you want.

Samson, I thought you did thorough research on this.

But he's crazy. The main battle took place at the north end of the island.

look, what's with this north end? You got a little real estate there you're

pushing or something?

You're making an extra buck. Let's stick to the facts. I'll tell you, I checked

every detail. You checked every detail. How come no mention of Sergeant Ernest

Bilko, who only led the charge?

Bilko. Ernest Bilko. I knew that name was familiar. I might add right here,

name was in many a dispatch. Yes, indeed, you certainly were. Major

There was a lot of jealousy between the major. Gentlemen.

Believe me. Gentlemen, you're looking at the only American soldier who took a

Japanese prisoner and tried to hold him for ransom.

was try to show the general staff how to win the war at a small profit. This is

ridiculous. Come on, men. C .D. Chadwick is waiting. Let's go. Wait, wait. We've

got to settle this. The public don't mind if we throw in a love story and

songs, but if we stage the whole battle at the wrong end of this island... But

it's not the wrong end of the island.

What difference does it make, north end, south end? All you've got to put on the

scene with the burning tank where I rescued the men...

Hey, burning tank. That's good raw stuff. We can put glory and glow in it.

Would you mind? Would you hold that just a minute? What was that, Julie? I got

the song.

My heart is a burned out shell.

May I say something?

Julie Stein just did it again. May I make an opinion? This boy's got another

hit. My heart is a burning shell. That song will be sung and hummed long before

this picture's forgotten.

My heart is a burned out shell.

a minute. Mr. Chadwick wants to say a few words. Go ahead, C .D.

Thank you.

Benson, call the studio cops and throw this troublemaker off the lot.

Just a minute, C .D. I just made a few technical suggestions. Out!

This picture starts on schedule whether you like it or not. I understand.

I'll get your plane ticket. Thank you. Will you see the same reporters in there

that were here to greet me when I arrived?

Oh, never mind. I took the liberty of taking their names. They were very kind.

Give me that phone number. Oh, this is the one. I'm Hedda Hopper. That's the

I'll call. Trescue 5.

Bilko, wait a minute. What are you talking about? Well, I happen to give

definite statements about my confidence in C .D. Chadwick's burning desire for

accuracy. Now, Bilko, listen. Now, these reporters might be interested that you

threw an American soldier, a veteran of that battle, off the lot.

I'll call him Trescue 6.

C .D., if he gets to those reporters... But he's a troublemaker. I saw it the

moment he walked in here. Yeah, and he can cause us plenty of trouble now. He's

an operator in one minute. He had us changing that picture. Imagine what'll

happen if he gets to those reporters.

Think of your reputation, C .D.

Hokey -pokey.

Hokey.

Go get him. Catch him before he gets to the airport.

Hurry up. You're a reasonable man, C .D.

I was a bit hasty. Now, don't do that. Let me think of you as the big man you

are. Please don't crawl.

Who's crawling?

That's what I like. A man that talks up to me. A man that has... Look at that.

You'll see the name Strongheart. They refer to me once in a while as

Strongheart.

We loved all your suggestions. And just to prove it, Mr. Chadwick is going to

send a wonderful letter to your commanding officer.

Listen, let's get down to the set. On the set. I'm sorry, Sergeant Bilko. No

outsiders are allowed on Mr. Chadwick's set. That's the one rule I never break

once we get down there in the firing line. I can understand.

Jimmy Fidler, well, let me see. But of course you're going on the set.

Mr. Chadwick meant no outsiders on the set. After all, he's not an outsider, is

he, C .D.? No, he's just like one of the family.

Julie, why don't you take Sergeant Pilko off to lunch? Then when we're ready to

roll, bring him onto the set. Say, this is a lot of fun. I'm finally going to

see them make a picture. Gee whiz. This way, Sergeant. Thank you, Judy. Listen,

I like that.

We'll work on it. I'll show you how to fix the word.

Benson, are you crazy?

Letting that troublemaker down on the set?

You know these army people. Why, we'll be making changes. Just one little

change, C .D. He's an operator. Don't you get it? All he wants to do is see

himself in that picture. So? So we call one of the soldiers Bilko. He hears his

name. He sees himself.

This afternoon, he's headed back to his camp with stars in his eyes. You're that

bit player that brings Rory the ammunition. We can call him Bilko.

need. C .D., this guy can cause us a lot of trouble.

Okay. I told you that's a long scene. I want scene one, the ammunition scene.

But nobody's talking to Mr.

Hedrick. those lights up there, please. Let's go with that, huh? All right,

bring that half rod over here. Ready, Bill? Check.

Traverse.

Speed.

Speed.

Sticks. Love and a foxhole. Scene one, take one.

Stand by.

Gee, this is going to be a lot of... Action!

This way, men.

Let's get them.

and let me ask you, is he supposed to be Sergeant Skinner? Sure, why?

What a lucky break for you I was here.

Break? Sergeant Skinner was a little guy this hall. He had no teeth, big ears.

Oh, you're lucky. And he had a list. What? Oh, I'll never forget that list.

Every time the order was in the battle, he used to say, let somebody else go.

What kind of part did you give me? Well, this is a movie.

What do you mean a movie? Let's be reasonable, old kid. Skinner had no

He had a squint design and an ugly mole on the right side of his cheek. Right?

Oh, I didn't see that. Good casting. All right, roll the paper.

Nothing, Mr. Chadwick. Sergeant Bilko just pointed out that... Benson, didn't

tell you to throw him off the lot?

Well, all right. If I could just make one phone call. Let me see. Jimmy

Wait a minute, Sergeant.

Is this name Lulu Parsons or Luella? Now, don't be hasty, Sergeant.

C .D., he hasn't seen that sequence yet. Well, it better be good. All right. Go

ahead, Ben.

All right.

Don't make a fuss out of me. I don't want to be in anybody's way. You're not

anybody's way. Just sit down. I don't mind standing. No, you better sit down.

You're liable to see something that'll knock you right off your feet. Okay.

Okay, everybody, let's take it back where we were.

It's suicide, Sergeant Skinner.

Speed. Speed.

Sticks. Lob in a foxhole. Scene one, take two.

supposed to be?

That's you we thought if we put you in the picture. Well, I hope you thought

enough to have enough money to withstand a $100 ,000 libel suit. A libel suit?

It's a libel suit. He's supposed to be me and that was 12 years ago. I was

handsome. I had a full head of hair. This horrible... No offense, buddy. Show

him out! Now, C .D., this can be ironed out. It'll only take a minute to recast

him. Recasting?

Yeah, a little. Why don't you get Cary Grant to be perfect for me? Stop!

Throw this man out.

Throw him out, too.

Throw them both off the set.

Throw everybody with glasses off the set.

Mr. Chadwick, please, the newspapers.

We'll give them our side, too.

Belko, out.

I'm sorry, Mr. Chadwick. I have given you a lot of trouble, and I really am

sorry. If I could just have a picture taken with you as a memento, I'll be on

way. Of course, of course. Still, man. Oh, well, now you're being reasonable.

I'll autograph it, too. Hold that a minute.

Okay, take it.

Thank you. What's that?

This, Mr. Chadwick, is a battle ribbon given to us by a grateful nation for our

contribution to the Battle of Caboochee. I want you to have it. Because this

picture now makes this medal a thing of mockery. Let me see now. I'll have six

of those pictures. Where can I get Jimmy Starlin? Now, wait a minute, Sergeant

Bilbo. Destroy that film! I can get another actor in 15 minutes.

We're over a barrel.

Break for 15 minutes!

All right, everybody take 50.

Yeah, as long as we're breaking, if you look at my brochure, I want you to put

that scene in there where I single -handedly wipe out this Japanese machine

mess. With one gun, I was fearless.

I charged in the... General,

have a heart. We're a week behind schedule. Everything is chaos.

And it's all because of this bilko you sent us.

Order him back.

We're begging you. Order him back.

Now, look, Benson.

He's on detached service to you. It's up to you to tell him when he's through.

What are they doing to that poor G .I.? The way they kick soldiers around.

There's the 63rd candidate for the part of Bilko.

It was easier to cast Gone with the Wind.

We've got to get this picture started.

Sergeant Bilko. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I got him on a soolong. Take it

easy.

That finishes it up, boys. Sorry. Better luck next time. I'll meet you behind

the bush.

Is that him? Turn around. How are you, son?

All right. It's pretty good, but he isn't the type I want for me. I want

vibrancy. I want virility.

I want a guy... You sure you couldn't get Burt Lancaster?

Lancaster.

Sergeant Bilko. What is this Sergeant Bilko? Call me E .B.

E .B., I know you don't want me to crawl, but I'm crawling now on my

hands and knees.

I've done very mundane on the payroll.

Hundreds of extras.

Cameras waiting.

All right, I don't blame you for being mad. I've never seen such lack of

organization where I could start these cameras rolling in five minutes. Five

minutes? Little changes.

Anything, anything. All right, I'll send everybody.

Monday! Don't forget those changes I told you.

Takes an old soldier to get things started.

At last we're rolling. I can't believe it.

Look alive, this is my seat. Look at names before you sit down.

Love in a foxhole, scene one, take 66.

All right, Mundane, don't forget those slight changes I told you about. All

right, stand by. Action!

I counted myself. What kind of acting? He's the ammunition?

What is that?

Quiet!

Rory Mundane playing the bit part? Oh, you don't understand. What bit part?

till you see the changes I've made in here. We're calling this picture off.

now, don't be hasty. See, they're just a little rewriting. Ah, there's going to

be some writing.

A report to your commander.

And this viper, this disgrace to the American uniform, this ungrateful wretch

whom you sent to us as a representative of the United States Army.

single -handedly has kept from the public the story of the Great Battle of

Caboochee.

Signed, Cecil D. Chadwick.

P .S.

Carbon copies have been sent to the Pentagon.

The Pentagon.

Just after they found out our telephone number.

Gee whiz, Carol, I was just trying to... Quiet!

Shame on you, Bilko.

These people were trying to make a picture in tribute to you men.

General Merritt, put him on.

Bilko, give me your Sergeant's stripes.

My stripes, sir? Yes. I have a feeling I'll be wearing them.

Sir, they can't blame you for something like... Quiet!

General Merritt. Colonel Hall, I just got Chadwick's letter saying that

of your Sergeant Bilko, he canceled the picture.

Congratulations.

Here's what I want you to do.

What is that?

Of course.

Yes, sir.

Ordered me to give you a 30 -day furlough.

30 -day furlough?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. He's right here.

General Merritt wants to talk to you personally.

Me? Yeah.

Hello, General Merritt. This is Sergeant Bilko.

He called me Ernie.

Yes, General?

Bilko, you did something the whole Pentagon couldn't do.

How did you do it? Well, that's terribly nice of you, General, to take that

attitude. I'm just trying to do my best.

Oh, I'd be glad to drop into Washington and have a talk with you, sir.

I must say you're being terribly democratic. Oh, yes, gentlemen.

Yes, it's very... Chair, chair, chair.

Yes, sir. Very nice.

Benson was played by Ralph Stantley. Cecil B. Chadwick by Howard Smith.

Julie Stein played himself.

Coming next, Don Rickle met funny on purpose.