Original subtitles

I think I committed a crime or something.

All my wife did was have a baby.

The seventh one.

And every time you have a kid, it costs us a hundred bucks from the platoon

welfare fund.

You didn't join the army to fight. You joined it to break the bank.

All right, you guys.

Formation. Come on, fall in. Let's go.

Formation, Sergeant Bilko.

Fender is ready to leave. I know, I know.

Call for Fender. Front and center.

Good morning, Daddy.

Well, an easy way to make money, huh, Fender? It's your seventh kid, Sarge.

Sarge! I'm not against a guy having a kid. It's just the sneaky way you go

it. You're ready to get a hundred bucks in the welfare fund and then bingo!

Jackpot! Sorry, Sarge. Sorry, Sarge. It doesn't matter that you were raising

this money for a worthwhile cause.

To buy the saloon in town.

Doesn't mean anything to you, huh?

All you think about is a pitter -patter of little feet. And the minute one

pitter -patter peters out, another pitter -patter patters in.

Sarge, I got the car out, Sarge. Oh, he's got the car.

Isn't it dangerous driving with all those baby shoes hanging off in the

windshield?

Here's your hundred bucks. Get going.

Sam.

Good luck.

Give Lena Rock congratulations.

Thanks, Sarge.

We're thinking of naming this one after you.

Calling him Arnie. Do me a favor.

Call it Twits.

Come on, Sam.

Carpool Barbella. How much money we got left in the welfare fund?

Fifteen cents.

This is not a platoon.

It's a walking potter's field.

Ah, look.

What is it?

Replacement for Fender. They told me to report from the replacement pool, sir.

Oh, well.

New blood.

Always welcome.

Always glad to have new blood with me.

I see. Well, welcome to Company B.

We are... Hmm.

Nice ring.

Always like to see a soldier who thinks of his appearance.

Know anything about motor pool? I'm sorry, sir. I never studied motor pool.

Well, that'll work out. You'll get to learn it after a while. Zimmerman?

Right, though. That replacement officer did it again.

We need mechanics. They sent us bankruptcy cases.

Sir, I think I can learn about cars. I'm a college graduate.

He's a college graduate.

Oh, boy.

Isn't that just great? We have a college man. No longer we have to worry about

wallowing in ignorance.

College man, huh? Can you type? Yes, sir. Fine. You're just a type for

duty. Give him a mop. Now, look, you fellas.

Once, I'd wish they'd send us a solvent case. Once!

Well, I might as well put in some more sack time. If any officers come looking

for me, what do you say to them?

Sergeant Bilko is down at the motor pool, sir. That's clear, so they'll

understand clearly.

All right, here's this morning's orders.

Mullen, you take over Fender's details. The rest, as they were, dismiss!

Hey, Chuck!

Hey!

Have you a private Vandermeer in this platoon?

Vandermeer? Oh, the new kid.

Vandermeer, on the double. Where's Sergeant Bilko? Oh, Sergeant Bilko is

the motor pool, sir. Oh, good.

Private Vandermeer? Yes, sir. Follow me. We can be alone in Sergeant Bilko's

room. But, sir, you... As you were.

Private Vandermeer, this is Mr. Watson, a reporter on the Topeka Press. Yes,

sir. Private Vandermeer, eh?

This sounds quite a journalistic mystery.

Disappeared in yesterday's New York Star.

Where is Tommy?

Broadway nightclubs are closing.

Chorus girls will have to get along with last year's minx since the mysterious

disappearance of Tommy, golden boy Vandermeer.

It's all there to the $200 million automobile fortune.

Where is he?

So now you know. Now what? Look, kid, this is a pretty big story.

Richie's boy in the country joins on. He wants to see how the other half lives.

No, sir, it's not that I want to see how the other half lives.

It's that I want to see if I'm man enough to live with the other half and

them accept me for myself and not for the $200 million.

I'd give the entire $200 million for just one friend.

Please give me that chance and don't print that story.

Okay. Good luck, private.

Thank you, sir.

Pretty flimsy building to be housing 200 million bucks.

Wait.

200 men.

200 men.

Hey,

Sarge, where'd those guys... 200 men. Sarge, what's the matter?

Oh, no. A millionaire in our barracks.

Why would a guy with $200 million want to join the army? Why?

Maybe it's crowded at the Riviera this time of year.

Maybe he just happens to like chipped beef on toast.

Sorry? What difference does it make? He's with us.

It mustn't hit that we know who he is or he'll get out of here like a shot. You

understand? All he wants to do is make friends.

Friends in this platoon?

He's going to make friends.

I have found out it's just as easy to be the friend of a millionaire as it is to

be the friend of a poor man.

I haven't been able to work this theory out yet, but I believe in it.

Tycoon Henshaw! You!

Formation! Here I am!

Formation! Get him to like this kid more and more every minute.

All right, formation!

On the double, everybody! Here!

Don't rush like that, kid. You're like a trip in a... Are you all right? A

little out of breath? No.

Good to have you with us. All right, men.

Here's what I want to talk to you guys about.

We have a new man in our platoon, and it's about time I alerted you to this

fact. This is a democratic army!

There's nobody better than anybody else. I don't care who you are, where you

came from, who you've been. Here, you're just a soldier.

Am I yelling a little too loud?

I don't care if a man has got 50 cents in his pocket or 50... Man,

it's not important what you've got in your pocket. It's what you've got in

that counts.

You're just a soldier here.

What are you crowding?

Don't stifle the man.

Did you just cough? Yes, sir. Are you all right? Yes, sir. All right. A little

drafty in here? No, it's all right. We know no favorites here, man.

A man of acceptance for what he is, a little smudger.

Good to see you. Now, man.

Did you just cough again?

No, it was me, Si. All right.

Attention!

Excuse me, that means attention.

Oh, yes.

All right, men.

Dismissed! Well, Vandermeer, I hope you like it around here. Oh, it's fine.

If you get used to it, you're going to find there's a great bunch of boys.

This will be your bunk right here. You'll love it. It's got cross

It's very comfortable. There's someone in there, Sergeant. Someone is?

I ain't got a double hit!

But, Sarge, this is my bunk. Oh, it's your bunk, Kodowski.

Perhaps you've got a bill of sale to prove it. Get your stuff. Put it in the

there.

You have breakfast yet, kid? No, sir. I was just on my way. Here, go on to the

PX snack bar. Get yourself something. Oh, thank you, sir. I'll pay you back.

Pay me back? I don't want to hear those words from this barracks.

You never used that word. You need some money?

No, sir. But, Sergeant, you gave me a dollar. A dollar?

Ten dollars. A hundred. A thousand. A million.

It doesn't matter.

If you need this money, I happen to have it. You can have it. Maybe the

positions will be reversed someday. You'll have it. And perhaps I'll need

What good is this to me?

Get him down to the PX. Show him where it is. Why, Sergeant?

Ensure. Stay right with him. Remember what happened to Brinks.

Okay,

Sarge, what's up? Pouring money at him. You give him my buck. Who is this kid?

Your relative?

What's the matter?

Bilgo's little chicken's getting jealous?

Bad nasty sergeant took away Kodowski's bunk?

You meatballs.

There was no soldier that walked in here.

There was the Paradise Bar and Grill walking right into our army.

Corporal Barbella, how much money have we got in our welfare fund? Fifteen

cents. Thanks.

If this wasn't for a worthy cause, I wouldn't be bothering you fellas.

But as you know, we've got to raise $500 for a project that's very close to our

hearts. And we're going to build a bird sanctuary right behind the barracks.

Now, men, when Corporal Barbella passes the box around so nobody will be

embarrassed, I want you all to raise your eyes to the ceilings. We will turn

back. All right, Corporal Barbella, pass around the box. And men...

Please be free to give anything you can afford, and don't jar my nerves with the

tinkle of silver money. Let me hear that comforting sound of paper money

dropping into that box.

And men, when that box comes around you and you're ready to give, just think

this in your hearts.

It's for the birds.

Now, men, I know that I can trust and be proud of all of you. Corporal Barbella,

what is this friendly gathering given towards our bird sanctuary?

The 15 cents is gone.

Men, somebody just shot my brother.

Please, please, Corporal Barbella.

One man in this platoon needed that 15 cents more than the birdies.

And I think I sense what's wrong here.

One of you men is evidently of such fine character, you don't want to embarrass

the rest of the platoon with an enormous contribution.

I know that lack of ostentation is to be admired. And so that one man, whoever

he may be, I advise him to see me alone.

Dismissed. I don't know what else to do. I gave my love to this. Sergeant Bilko?

Yes, dear. I mean, yes, but the box.

Sergeant Bilko, isn't there something I can do at the motor pool?

Hey, he wants to know what he can do at the motor pool. Oh, you're doing a

wonderful job. Oh, you're doing a great job.

Did you ever see anybody carry coffee in like he did? Didn't spill a drop,

Sergeant. Sergeant, something is disturbing me. Something? You need any

kid? What's wrong?

Well, I know what's wrong.

I sense it now.

For the first time in your life, you're with a group of people who are sharing

and sharing alike, and you feel that you're not giving anything.

I'm not. You certainly are. I mean, you will.

You will.

It's just taking you a little longer to show your gratitude.

Sergeant, I'd like to show my gratitude right now. If you'll excuse me. Of

course. Get the box. Get a big... A big shuriken. Nothing happened. So I said to

the colonel... I said, Sergeant... Yes?

Here.

This is a transfer.

Yes. Somebody been bothering you?

You've been... You've been trying to sell that phone... Sergeant,

the boys are wonderful. That's just it. I don't know the first thing about

motors. I feel I'm a drag on the entire outfit.

You're a spot. The way he carries that coffee.

Sergeant, the boys are so wonderful. I don't want to drag down your efficiency

rating.

Please,

Sergeant, get me a transfer.

All right, son, I understand.

After all, some of us are born mechanics.

Some of us are not.

All right, son.

I'll push this transfer through for you.

Just take it easy. Don't feel bad. Walk down to the motor pool. Take it slow.

Think over things.

I'll rush this through for you. Thank you. So long, kid. Well, he means well.

He's just a little uncomfortable.

Transfer! After the money we wasted on you!

Run down to the motor pool. Take the shortcut. Elate the guys.

Whatever he does is right. I want him to be convinced he's the best mechanic the

army ever saw.

Coffee, anybody?

No, thanks.

We don't get this cheap started. Bilko will murder us.

Gee, I wish I knew motors like you guys do.

Hey, Vannery, give us a hand, will you?

Me? Yeah.

What do you want me to do with this wrench?

Wrench?

Oh, yeah, you take the wrench and put it in that screw and turn it. Screw?

Where? That's the screw, that little thing with the slot in it.

Oh, you want me to... You want me to turn it? Yeah, you take the wrench, that

end, and put it right into that slot.

Like that?

That is fun.

What do I do now? You turn it.

Which way?

Well, you turn it in one direction. If it don't work, then you turn it in the

other direction. From here on in, it's in your hands.

Okay, fellas.

Here goes.

He turned it, Chief. He started it, Chief. He started it.

Now you guys are supposed to be working.

That motor, it's running.

What genius made that road? It hasn't run in months. Get it.

That's most remarkable.

That screw.

Look, look.

Who turned that screw?

Man, I have seen screws turned in my time, but that's the most amazing.

All right, come on.

Confess. Some high -rated engineer in the officer's corps came in and he

you. Come on, tell me. I turned it, Sarge.

You?

I should have known the minute I seen these hands. Hands? Hands like this come

along once in a... Did you ever see that? A swiveled ignoble.

You'll never see that these days.

This man is born to the... But, Sergeant, I don't know the first thing

motors. With these fingers, you don't have to know anything.

There's a brain in each finger. And, gentlemen, we can be well proud he's in

platoon.

Sarge, will you stop keeping us in suspense? How did Vandermeer motors do?

Went up a sixteenth of a point.

That means he made roughly $200 ,000.

In the sleep, no less. When are we going to get ours? Look, you said he needed

friends, right? Now he's got more friends than the sweepstakes winner. You

he wanted to be a mechanic. Today he's king of the screwdriver.

All right, men. I think the time has come to take the bull by the horns.

That's no way to get milk.

That's the way to get milk.

That's the way to get milk.

Not after milk.

And after that $500 for the Paradise Bar and Grill.

I think we'll take him down there tonight for a little relaxation.

Let him see what his investment looks like, huh?

Tonight, gentlemen...

I believe he will meet Milford.

The Barracuda?

She's a lovely girl. Whoever gave her that name... You did!

It doesn't matter. Here he comes. This way, this way.

Hi, Ben. How you doing? Hi. Hello, Ben. I was just telling the boys you look a

little tired, a little peaked. I thought maybe... What? What are you doing?

The boys gave me my own wrench.

Yeah? Well, look, you got to take it easy. You're burning yourself out. I

maybe tonight we'll use a little relaxation, a little female company.

The room is suddenly filled with beauty.

It's smooth.

Look at her, burning up to me.

Go on, give her a break. Say something romantic.

Hiya, babe.

Hiya, babe.

Drop dead.

No, no, no.

Just nerves. That's all it is. Look at her.

Look at her, burning up with shame at her real -time remark.

Dying for us to ask her to the table. Oh, please don't. I think I will.

Mildred.

I hate to repeat myself, but in your case, I'll make an exception.

Drop dead.

Mildred, a little time remark you made to that soldier over there. Do you

to know who he is?

Is he in your platoon?

Yes. Then I know all I have to know about him. He's broke.

Just once I'd like to meet a guy from your platoon. I'm not saying that he'd

me a drink, but at least he could pay for his own.

Just once I'd like to meet me... That's him.

A golden boy.

Go, go, go, go.

Come with me, my dear. Come gently. Come with me.

There she is, you... lucky devil and she's just dying to meet you. I'm very

pleased to meet you, miss.

Oh, good. He said he's pleased to meet you. Oh,

nothing better than a little friendly gathering of convivial people.

After you.

After you.

How do you do it? How do you make the catch of Rosie fall in love with you,

lucky duck?

Say something, Mildred. Let's get in the conversation.

Uh -huh.

She got it? Does her brain work like that?

May I buy you a drink, miss? Please.

You'll buy no drinks, pal. I'm buying the drinks here. But I have the money

you want. Oh, please. I'll have nothing of it.

Waitress! Sarge, we only got a half a buck left.

That's enough for five, dear.

Tommy, what would you... Where is he? What are you doing?

Tom, what are you doing down there? I noticed the loose screw.

This kid's full of... He's going around tightening the world.

What do you have, Tom? Anything Mildred wants is all right with me.

Mildred, what do you have to drink?

Champagne. Champagne?

What do you mean you have no champagne?

I never heard anything... Did you hear that? No champagne.

This place is a social desert. No champagne.

Oh, please don't talk back to me, Miss. No wonder they call this the snake pit.

Oh, sure. No matter what you order, they try to switch you to beer. Beer? Fine.

Fine.

Mink? That's a friend of ours. Irving Mink has a strong... This is fine. Tell

her to... Breaks away the... Look, I got some figures here to prove something.

This joint right here is a goldmine. They're running it into the ground. You

what happened. No champagne.

They don't know how to run it. I have figures. Mildred, what'd you say? Of

course we'll excuse you. Where am I going?

Yes, I know you, darling. You're dying to say hello to your closest friend,

Sophie Bislow. We'll excuse you. You'll run right along. She can drop dead.

Mildred, please. I don't want it on my conscience that you snubbed your best

friend. Go right ahead, Mildred. Stop the way.

Now, where were we? You said this place was for sale. Oh, that dream of mine.

It's always in my mind and in my heart. But you don't want to hear about that.

No. But listen, this is a gold mine. This would be security for the platoon

the rest of their life if they just had money to buy this place. But you don't

want to discuss business.

Security for the rest of their lives.

When I think of all the money I wasted that I could have put into this place.

Sarge, it's a shame. You who have given such happiness to others without ever

being repaid. Oh, please, Corporal. Don't speak to me about being repaid. I

lived long enough to know there's no such thing as gratitude.

There is gratitude.

There is? Yes. You fellows have taken me, a nobody, into your hearts. You've

given me money. We don't want to discuss that. Go on. Well, Sergeant Vilko, it's

time I repaid you. Oh, I don't want that large amount that you would... By

giving you some advice.

If you give...

Advice? Yes.

I may not know about motors, but I know about business.

Why, if you were to buy a place like this, why, it would be just like

your money away. The mortgages alone would strangle you. I'm very glad that I

had this opportunity of returning your friendship.

Tommy! Oh, Mildred's calling me. Excuse me.

Why, that dirty little... How do you like that? At least Rockefeller gave you

dime once in a while.

The money we wasted on that kid. Lunches, identification bracelets. He

Well, there goes my golden dream.

Yeah, well, we can stop dreaming now.

All right, get the platoon together. We've got to get back before the light's

out. Come on, you guys, let's go.

Sergeant Bilko, wait a minute. For what?

Well, I've just been doing some thinking. Got some more advice? No, I'm

I'm ashamed.

You never asked me what I did with the money that you gave me.

Why should I ask you what you're going to do with the money that I'm going to

give you? Money you're going to give? How could you give? You're just a poor

kid. No, no, you see, my grandfather left me $200 million.

You see, my name is not... Tommy Vandermeer? You're Tommy Vandermeer?

Oh, I almost wish you had never told me. Oh, I hope it's not going to make any

difference in our friendship.

I'm not going to let it stand in our way. Oh, that's good, because you've

me something. You've taught me to share and share a life.

Well, Sergeant Bilko, here is a signed blank check.

You take whatever you need.

Oh, the military's driving me back to the barracks. Goodbye, Sergeant.

Whatever I need.

Whatever I need of 200 men.

200 men. Come on, let's go, you guys. They're all ready, Sergeant.

Hey, what's that?

A blank check. Put back to me a signature.

Sit down, my friend. What is your last name?

Adamapolis. Adamapolis.

It's a fine time to come up with a name like this. Just give me the money. I'll

send someone to that time. Let me see now.

$500 covers the second mortgage, right? Wait a minute, Sarge. Why should we get

stuck with a mortgage?

Right. It strangles us. Right?

What's the entire mortgage outlay? $3 ,500.

$3 ,500.

Just a minute. Let me figure something out. Why should we pay rent?

That's money down the drain, right?

What's the landlord want for this building? The landlord's asking $18

I think you can... That's all right. If he wants $18 ,000, we won't pay him.

He'll get $18 ,000.

We could put a banquet room upstairs.

Yeah, and across the street we put a movie. How about a Russian band? Russian

band. A picture.

A horse room. Wait a minute.

Well, really.

I'm ashamed of you fellas taking advantage of Van this way.

Let's face facts and let's be true about this. All we want is what's coming to

us. The money he made while he was in our barracks.

Oh, I figured it out. It came to a million, three hundred dollars.

He's right. No sense being a pig. Don't be honest. Honesty is the best policy.

I'm glad to see you guys have a fair outlook on this. Let me see.

One... One... What's the matter, Sarge? I can't, I can't. Let me try.

One... Sarge? No, I can't. I'll do it. Come on, let's face it.

They can't go through with it.

Sarge. I knew when the time came, we couldn't do it. Well, I can do it,

Let's face this now, fellas. You know this will strangle us in later years.

This is all it's up to future. We kidding.

Pretending we didn't know who he was, treating him nice. Just to get to this,

we'll hate ourselves.

Making this bed. When's the last time you made anybody's bed?

And you, Pino.

Bought him an identification bracelet.

But Sarge, he's just trying to repay us. And he's going to. Every cent that's

coming to us.

What'd you pay for the bracelet?

Fucking a cuter. Who took him to the movies? Me. How many times? Twice. What

it? $1 .90. Before one o 'clock?

Yeah.

owe us $65 .68.

What, Sergeant?

That's the amount we laid out while we were putting on a little act that we

didn't know who you are. You mean you knew all the time? Knew all the time.

Let's not discuss that. Here's your blank check we figured in such a small

amount you'd rather pay us in cash.

$65 .68.

In cash? But I don't have any cash. I spend all the cash you gave me. All I

is the inheritance, and I forgot to tell you, I don't get that for 10 years.

All right, now.

That's all I had to hear from now on. You're just another dog face like

in the... Stay out of my book!

Go on, talk. Come on.

And you make your own bed in the morning. Yes, sir. You're going to buck

line, pal.

And you're going to pay... back out of your monthly salary. Remember that. From

now on, you're just another soldier.

You do as you're done. I'm going to bend your back straight, kid. I'll get you

under trucks. I'll teach you how to earn a day's pay. You may have confused us

for a little while, pal. You're just one of us. Your money means nothing. Get

that 65 -68 up. Screw that in tighter. And that's a screw, kid. It's not a

wrench. A wrench is a thing with two things in it. This is a single thing.

That's just the beginning.

We'll show you what an overlapping valve is. We'll show you what a piston is.

You'll be a soldier when we're through.

65 -68.

We want to hear from you from time to time, kid.

Cash!

Private Vanderveer was played by Mark Rydell. Milrid by Jane Dulo.

Waitress was played by Dodie Goodman.