Original subtitles

Now, Colonel, I've been on a good many army posts and these waves of gambling

among the enlisted men come and go.

Well, it comes here when a certain sergeant named Bilko is about to go on a

furlough and needs money.

Well, there's bound to be a certain amount of gambling. A certain amount,

But here they bet on everything now.

On whether it's going to rain or not. On what I'm going to have for breakfast.

I can't even eat. I look at an egg and I see Bilko collecting money from someone

who had me down for pancakes.

Send in Corporal Barbella.

He's one of Bilko's henchmen who got careless. I'm cracking down.

Corporal Barbella reporting, sir.

Corporal, I realize that you're just a tool in the hands of a mastermind.

Sergeant Bilko had nothing to do with this. I didn't mention any names.

I suppose you know why you're here, Corporal. Yes, sir. I was caught

craps after lights out.

Shooting craps after lights out?

Bilko invention.

Luminous dice.

Corporal, I want you to take word back to Bilko's Barracks, otherwise known as

Little Las Vegas.

But I'm getting fed up and I'm cracking down.

Yes, sir.

Good heavens, what was that? Oh, a single -core carrier pigeon.

Thank heavens for them.

It's the only thing that I've been able to get the men interested in that's

worthwhile. They fly them to Camp Crofter and back. Oh, excellent,

Very relaxing, sir.

You'll have 15 days to relax.

15 days, sir?

I'm restricting you to post for 15 days.

Yes, sir.

Well, Captain, I suppose you have the general idea of what our problem is.

Yes, the general idea and somehow how to solve it.

You can stop this gambling?

Let's face it, Colonel.

This is a service installation and it just hasn't any recreational facilities.

There's not even a morale officer on the post.

We had one.

He came down with melancholia.

Well, Colonel, it's up to the officers to see that the men get interested in

something else, something more cultural like music and poetry.

Captain, you're new at Fort Baxter. My men are not interested in that. Now, I

know, I know, but fortunately my wife, Gloria, and I have had quite a good deal

of experience in this kind of work.

All right, I'll call an emergency meeting of several officers and their

my quarters this evening. Fine, fine.

Send in Lieutenant Anderson.

Oh, and having a enlisted man there to get the men's point of view is

Somebody good at promoting post activities.

Captain, I'll give you the biggest promoter in the army.

Lieutenant, see that this message gets to Sergeant Bilko immediately.

But, sir, this is their study period. Interrupt them. This is important.

Yes, sir.

Study period.

Under the G, 56.

Under the B, 12.

Under the B, 12.

Hold it. All right, what is it now?

I need more corn.

Give her more corn.

Doberman, do you come here to eat or to play bingo? Look alive.

Under the O, 70.

Under the U, 70. Hold it, brass coming. Brass coming. All right,

here it is, men. A very important detail. Perimeter 3, 37.

Longitude 36, latitude 43.

Lieutenant, how are you, sir? Sergeant Bilko.

Message from Colonel Hall. Thank you, sir. I'm just putting the men through a

little map drill, you see. Go right ahead.

Perimeter 6, 14.

I've never seen such small mounts.

Oh, I had them made especially. It sharpens their vision, sir. Keeps them

ball. You understand.

Perimeter 3, 84.

Bingo!

What was what, sir?

Somebody said bingo. No, sir, that was Private Doberman. He yelled, Bilko, he's

full of questions. Oh, he really wants to learn. I'll help him a little later.

Thank you, sir. That's all. Thank you.

Perimeter 384.

All clear.

Cards over.

Under the N30.

Under the N30.

Hold it. Under the B2. Under the B2.

Hey, Bilko, I just got this on the radio. The pigeons landed at Camp Crop.

All right.

Take it easy.

Pigeons left, 0900.

Arrived, 0917.

And the winner, Little Blue Wing, paying 660 to win, 330 to place, 2 ,000. I got

it.

Second, Speedy Sal, 220, 210. 220, that's me.

And for third, Hurry Up Harry, paying 360 to show. I got it. All right, fans,

stand by for the Daily Double.

All right, police the area.

Okay, come on, Doberman, help me with this. Hi, Ernie. Hey, there's Rocco.

Rocco.

All right, quiet, quiet.

Restricted you to the quarters, huh?

He gave me exactly... Call it.

All right, now, all you men, all you men who are in the how many days we'll call

for Barbella restricted pool, get ready with your slips.

All right, what was your lucky number? I got 15 days.

15 is the lucky number. 15, I don't know.

What's going on here? On the double formation.

May I remind you men that you are still in the United States

Army. What is this goofing off and wandering around? We got work to do. And

so much time to do it. On the ball.

We've got a busy schedule.

Now pay attention.

The finals in the gin rummy round robin start at two.

At three there will be a meeting of the jacks or better literary circle.

All bets on what color Lieutenant Duber's wife's hair will be this week

in by five o 'clock.

Corporal Barbella will be outside of the post beauty shop and rush us the

results. The canasta tournament starts at seven sharp right after the bed

contest. And some of the foods march.

All right, watch with the military.

Take it easy.

And Captain Wells.

Mrs. Whitney and Captain Whitney.

How are you doing, Captain?

And now that we've all met the newest members of our post family, Captain

Whitney and his lovely wife, shall I call the meeting to order?

Well, I think we'd better wait for Bilko. Oh, yes, I guess so. We can't

well discuss gambling on the post without Sergeant Bilko present. It's

having a cabinet meeting without the president.

Really, John, Sergeant Bilko is as sweet as most consistent. Young man. All

right, Nell. He's just misunderstood.

But, Nell, let me tell you, if you... Come in.

Colonel Hall.

Sorry I'm late, sir. I was going over your orders of the day with my men. I

became so absorbed in them, I lost track of the time, sir.

I'm sure.

Welcome, Sergeant Bilko.

Thank you, miss.

Colonel, you didn't tell me your daughter was visiting you for the

It's Mrs. Hall.

Excuse me. If you keep getting any younger...

If you get any younger, we're going to lose you to a rookie.

All right, Bill Canole, let's get to work.

Hi. Oh, there you are. Oh, you make a sofa a throne.

That's what I call this meeting. Well, Mrs.

Doober, whatever have you done to your hair? It's enchanting. You're lovely.

What color is that?

It's two -tone.

All bets are off.

Oh, I'm sorry. We just... Bill Canole. Excuse me.

When are you going to get one of those Italian boy cuts and drive the post out

of its mind?

Oh, I... But you are devastatingly... Bilko, please. I'm sorry, sir. I was

so carried away that... Excuse me, I don't believe we've met. Oh, Mrs.

this is Sergeant Bilko. Oh, how do you do? Well, bisous vous, très charmant.

Oh, mais pas jolie. Oh, it is charming.

Oh, they are lovely. I'm sorry I just carried away when there's so much beauty

one forgets.

Oh, you girls won't give us batches a chance, will you? You're lovely, you

savages, you.

Sorry,

sir. I call this meeting at the request of Captain Whitney.

He thinks that we'll be able to stop this hysterical wave of gambling that's

gripping our post.

A wave of gambling, I may add.

that is spearheaded by one mastermind.

Well, who is this mastermind?

Oh, excuse me, please, Colonel.

Would you mind saying that again?

What? I mean what you just said.

Well, who is this mastermind?

Don't tell me. I know.

The Broadway stage. Am I right? I beg your pardon? You must have been on the

stage. Only one of the stage can speak with such authority, such clarity of

tone. All right, Pilto. Oh, excuse me. This is important.

The dramatic love. She's perfect for Camille.

Camille! She's beautiful.

Camille! Ladies, please!

I know her.

Vilco! I'm sorry, sir. I've seen you. I've seen you.

Captain Whitney!

Will you take over?

Glad to have you aboard, Captain.

Oh, Colonel, you do surround yourself with splendid men. You certainly do.

I have found it.

Men gamble as a substitute for other forms of recreation.

So just give them something constructive to do, like handicraft.

Now!

Colonel,

have you a woodworking shop on the post?

We had one. The men worked like beavers for one week.

Really? What did they build?

A crap table.

Yes, I was never so shocked in my entire life. And in whose barracks did we

discover it? Oh, my, what a lovely anti -commissar. Oh, isn't it lovely?

Don't shock me again. You didn't make this yourself. Oh, don't be angry.

It's just me. It's a dream come true. Dream come true.

Dream come true.

Dream come true.

My wife and I formed a successful project in, remember Camp Collins,

Oh, yes, folk dancing.

The men loved it.

We tried that.

Mrs. Duber, tell them what happened.

Somebody brought in hostesses and began charging ten cents a dance.

Won't you try some of Mrs. Hall's icebox cookies? You'll find it lovely.

Oh,

what you can do with two eggs is amazing.

Ladies,

please! Bilko! This is a meeting.

I'm sorry, sir.

Instead of talking about recipes, tell them about that bird watchers club we

formed for you men.

Oh, yes, it was the most exhilarating experience.

And very strange, too.

When anyone saw bobble ink, money changed hands.

Bobble ink was three to one.

I mean, we were raising money to get a bird back.

You see, the last thing we want on this post are dirty birds.

Do you see how hopeless it is?

Oh, please. Colonel, Gloria and I face tougher problems than this.

Remember, dear?

Poor Green Star.

Tell us about it, Mrs. Whitney.

Oh, yes, do tell us about it. Oh, you must be one.

We want to hear you speak. It'll be so enchanting. Won't you please?

Oh, Captain, you are a lucky man.

Oh, I know where I saw her. The movies. I saw you in the movies. I know it.

Gloria. Yes.

To begin with, you see, what happened was this.

Ted simply just couldn't seem to get anywhere with any projects. The men just

weren't interested. And then I remembered a lecture I gave back in

Sarah Lawrence.

That's where I saw you. It's a girls' school.

Well, anyway, so I made up this wonderful lecture, and it was all about

Beethoven, his life in music.

Oh, Gloria, don't be modest. It was a smashing success.

Oh, it sounds enchanting, doesn't it, Colonel Beethoven? I've given it 17

since. Wherever Ted stations, sooner or later they ask for it. Sir, it can't

miss. Well, I don't know.

Well, we could schedule it in the recreation hall for Saturday night.

Yes, we could start the evening with a string quartet playing some of the more

popular music like Bartok and Stravinsky, and then Gloria takes the

Ted.

Well, we'll have to see if the men will go for it.

What do you think, Sergeant Bill?

Bilko! Oh, yes, yes, it's a smash. You can't miss, sir. It's wonderful.

Srebinski, Beethoven, oh, it'll be glorious. And to my dying day, I must

that I won't be there to see it, you see. I'll be away on my furlough. I am

afraid not.

Not, sir?

Bilko, you're responsible for the gambling on this post, so I'm going to

you responsible to see that that house Saturday night is going to be full, that

every seat is going to be filled.

Bill, sir, with Beethoven and Stravinsky, get the men in on a night

Quiet!

You will get the tickets, and you will see that we have a full and responsive

audience.

But, sir, my furlough, it's all arranged. Otherwise, you will not go on

furlough. But the things are all arranged in New York. The tickets for

planetarium, the museum.

And all the gifts I'm bringing back to Bill. No, no!

A full house.

Yes, sir.

And... Now that the meeting is over, anybody for bridge?

Splendid idea.

I'm afraid not, Mrs. Hall. After all, it is a form of gambling.

And I'll say good night.

John, if you just let Sergeant Bilko go on his furlough... Now, please, get the

bridge tables.

to tell you guys.

I promise not to tell.

Good morning, men.

Good morning, Sergeant Bilko.

When I think of how I rack my brain to think of little things for you guys.

Man, I got some tickets here. Freeze.

Freeze, you commandos.

This is the way you react, huh? When I'm trying, well, if you want to know

something, wise guys, these tickets are free.

And that's a word I don't use so often.

I don't want this to get around the post. I'll be swamped for tickets.

Men, this Saturday night, one night only, in person, you're going to see the

hottest little springboarder you ever saw.

Hottest little what? You're not kidding when you said hottest little what, boy.

And just the way you've always dreamed of them. Fudge, I'll take a ticket. What

are we going to see, Sarge? You're going to see one of the greatest movement

quartets you ever saw.

What did he say?

I think he said string quartet.

String quartet?

See, you're having fun already. Hey, well, wait a minute. It is a string

quartet.

Stravinsky. How about that, huh?

What is this Stravinsky?

Jerk, that's Minsky. He went back to his old name.

Boys, this is a... How this ever got past the post -censor, I'll never

understand. Some heads are going to roll around here when they see this.

Hot stuff, M. Bilko.

Mrs. Gloria Whitney will present her lecture on Beethoven.

Yeah. A lecture on Beethoven?

I'd rather take shots. Come here. Come here.

Of course it says lecture. They've got to say lecture.

What it really is, is an expose.

Expose.

Expose.

Listen, do I have to tell you, you heard stories about the musicians in those

days? This Beethoven, whoo!

Hot Lips Beatty, they used to call him.

Boy, his private life story. There was one thing about him.

In Heidelberg, there's a story, in the middle of a cantab, he was caught.

I blush when I think of him.

Are you kidding? This is nothing but long hair music.

Just for that, you can't go.

Always suspicious.

If he gave him a dollar bill, he'd want to know, why is it green?

Beethoven. Stravinsky. Is he kidding?

Now, look, man, this is one big night with that long hair. What do you tell

lover? Serge, I'd like to go.

Number six. All seven. Here, here. This one's on me. I wonder what... Hey, look

what they just got in.

I've been waiting for this for months. Is it real, Garland?

Garland, it's so... It's the latest thing at the Birdland. Wait till you dig

this.

What do you have?

Wow.

He really had a beat, man.

What's that?

Where can you hear music like that these days?

You'll love it. If you come to the rec hall, you'll have a... Now, fellas,

remember. Now, give me a break. New York, Seymour, Lamar.

Anything but a lecture.

There must be somebody that goes for Beethoven.

How about Mrs. Beethoven?

Oh, stop with the jokes.

I got things to work out around here.

Hey, Bilko, how about a game of cards?

Cards?

Gambling? When there's a fine thing like a lecture, men, you're all invited.

Mrs. Whitney.

No, thanks.

Mrs. Whitney.

No kidding.

So the twitch is on the post.

The twitch? Yeah. I caught a lecture up at Fort Bender. Boy, did she twitch.

Like this.

Ludwig von Beethoven twitched.

Oh, sure, I remember. I saw her give that lecture in Manila. She must have

tugged at a girdle 15 times.

15 times.

You boys must have been asleep.

We took count up at Fort Bender. For Beethoven, it's always the same. 20

twitches. You're crazy. I seen that lecture five times. She never twitched

than 15. Don't tell me it's 20 twitches. Grover, you were in Manila. Did she

ever twitch more than 15 times?

Andy is right. 15 twitches is a limit.

It's 20 every time.

Are you guys talking about the twitch? Yeah. What's your number? I seen her up

at Fort Hamlet. She went 22.

But it was a hot night.

You're right. You're right.

He never twitched more than 15.

15?

50? She twitches more than that before she even gets up to talk. I was there. I

was there.

Wait,

wait, wait. Hold it. You want to bet him? Bet him $20. Yeah. I'll take that.

You want to bet on that?

$20? You want to raise that? Yeah, I'll bet.

Wait,

wait, wait. Why don't we do it right?

Let's have a pool.

A pool. All right.

Wait a minute. Now, one thing you're aware of. I'll be the only guy at the

lecture. You take my word for it, don't you? Oh, that will be the day. Give me

30 tickets. Give me 25.

Hey, Sarge, you got any more tickets?

Oh, you must be kidding.

Oh, a friend of mine's coming up from Chicago. He's dying to see the Twigs.

you kidding? There was a guy from company that got sick, went to the

sold his ticket for 12 bucks. Hold everything.

30 bucks more on 15 twitches. My whole platoon shifted.

You got too much money on 15? Hey, this is getting hot. I just got a radiograph

of Tokyo.

$40 on 14 twitches.

$40. You got the loot?

Yeah. All right, did you get in touch with Manila, get all the information?

she broke the record with 26 twitches, I want to get all the information I can.

Yeah, they said it was a murderously hot night.

Half the twitches were mosquitoes.

Well, I want everything I can learn about them. You know something? This is

getting a little out of hand. But you know, the boys in Germany in the signal

car, they all chipped in and they want to put a hundred bucks on 18 twitches

they're sending it by plane.

Have you got enough on 18? Well, you lay out your own. All right, here. Cover

the boys from Berlin for me. This is getting miraculous.

You know what happened? Four busloads from a camp in Arizona came in. Two guys

hitchhiked from Texas on their furlough.

This is going to be the night. I hope Mrs. Whitney's in good form.

I hope so, too. She's got more money riding on her than on the Kentucky

Give him a minute. Give him a minute. Take your hats off. You guys with your

hats off.

Come on. Keep it moving.

Find a room. Any place in the hall. Spread out. Spread out. Give everybody a

chance.

Hold it. Sorry, boys. The fire laws. No more room. Go outside. Look through the

window. I don't understand it. They didn't turn out like this for Marilyn

Monroe. Well, I told you, Colonel. There's a thirst for culture which

denied. But I must admit that it's a bit of a new high even for Gloria. Oh, no.

Well, we'd better get started. Where's Sergeant Bilko?

Bilko!

We'd better get started, sir. Yes, yes. All right, sir. If you'll just take your

seat. All right, men. Simmer down.

This is it, men. This is what we've been waiting for. And you know who we can

thank for this great evening of entertainment?

Our beloved C .O., and in my book, he's C .O. of the year.

And I know you want to meet him and show him how you feel about him. Here he is,

Colonel J .T. Hall.

How do you like this, Colonel? They're going to love you.

Good evening, music lovers.

I'd like to introduce Mrs.

Gloria Whitney.

who will speak to us on the subject of Beethoven.

Thank you, thank

you. Well, now.

Ludwig von Beethoven was born in the little town of Bonn, Germany, in the

1770.

1771, 1770.

Little did Ludwig's family realize what the future held in store for him.

At the age of 15, he developed

so rapidly and all sorts of things in improvisation, including the violin and

the piano.

And that was the sixth tug, and she's not even breathing hard.

You boys in Manila would be proud of her. And to all of you camps who just

joined the network, she started out free and easy.

Whoops, there goes tug number seven.

Well, this gal is really doing it free and easy, and she's wonderful.

Came back to all points off the air.

All the gears.

Ludwig von Beethoven had really left behind him a musical heritage that

will always be remembered by music lovers the world over.

magnificent, Mrs. Whitney. I cried like a baby.

Won't you give the boy some autographs?

Wasn't it great, Colonel?

Be in my office first thing in the morning.

Yes, sir.

Shame. But, Colonel, you wanted a full house.

We got this thing up so as to stop gambling.

And we didn't want to start another Belmont Park.

Bilko, you should be ashamed of yourself betting on a thing like that.

If you expect to get a furlough, you better forget it. Oh, sir, I forgot

the furlough. This is too big.

Oh, I'm going to follow this up. Lieutenant Wigman.

Your what?

Lieutenant Wigman is going to lecture next week on modern painting. I think

subject is the passion of Picasso.

Bilko, are you kidding me?

Kidding? No, sir. You think this is a full house? Well, you see, next week I'm

going to have the tickets printed now. Excuse me, sir.

Lieutenant. Lieutenant Wigman.

Yes, sir.

Did you tell Bilko that you were going to make a lecture next week?

Oh, yes, sir. And he assured me that the men will love it.

As you see, sir... I have an idea that there are certain periods in

the life of Picasso... Excuse me! Excuse me!

Mrs.

Whitney was played by Charlotte Ray.

Mrs. Paul by Hope Sandsbury.