Original subtitles

Well, Zwicky?

Oh, hello, Lieutenant.

Looks like my mess hall comes up with another champ. I don't think I know him.

Oh, this is Corporal Egan. He was just transferred to my kitchen.

Egan, huh? Yes, sir. Well, good luck.

Thanks. 17 and 18.

Well, Pendleton, I see you're entering Private Miller again, huh? You look

pretty good this year. Yeah, I'm a little worried about his footwork yet.

Move around.

Have you decided who's representing your signal call boys yet, Grover? I can't

make up my mind. Oh, come on, Sarge. Put me in. I'll go all the way to the

division championship.

He must be kidding. Let me in there, Sarge. You'll have to make up your mind.

Only one fighter to a platoon, huh? Yes, sir. I'll let it be me, Sarge.

Come on. Who's your fighter, Bilko?

Private Paparelli, huh? That's him.

Just consider turning him over, Sarge. I'll murder them all.

All hot, this boy. All hot all the way, Lieutenant.

Work, work. Jab, jab. Jab, jab. Jab. Move around.

Good boy.

Dr. Weave. Dr. Weave. Double jab. Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab.

Move around. All right, all right, all right. Take it easy. Simmer down. Simmer

down. I can't help it, Sarge. Just waiting for that old bell to ring and

get in there.

I know. You'll be... Save it. Save it. Hey, Henshaw, come here.

Hold this, Paparelli.

With a whole motor pool platoon, this is the best fighter you can come up with?

Cabarelli was the only volunteer.

Let's face it, Sarge, we got a platoon of the laziest slobs in the army.

I told them how easy it was. One hour every day in the gym, then a quick

and it's all over. Jake, did you have to mention shower?

That's what scared them off.

a few muscles.

Well,

well, well. What have we here?

Sergeant Bilko and his dancing bear.

Well, if it isn't Sergeant Sawicki or something going wrong with the

ventilation. Stand aside, Sarge. I'll handle it. Save yourself for the fight.

Save it.

Great little fighter you got there, Bilko.

He's a savage, I tell you. A savage.

You think you can take my boy here, Egan? Thank you.

Anytime one of my mechanics can't take over one of your cooks.

Put your money where your mouth is. How about a bet?

Bet?

Oh, I'm glad there's no rookies around to hear this. You ought to be ashamed of

yourself. Betting on a fine thing like an army tournament? Really, Sawicki?

you taint every worthwhile army endeavor with your greed for money for betting?

Betting on an army tournament?

It's degrading.

I'm abashed.

Oh, what a gutless bunch.

Say the word. Save it for the ring. Don't you think we ought to bet? just

pride? That I'm paparelli against that murderer that's a wicky importer.

Move around, move around, move around, move around, move around. Now, wait a

minute. You've got him in a clinch.

Now, watch it now. You've got him in a clinch. What are you doing in a clinch?

No, no, no. Bite.

Bite.

Bite.

What is it, Dillingham? Guess what? What? My seeds came.

Your seeds?

To the garden in back of my barracks. I'm going to have snapdragons,

sleeping beauty roses, and you'll never know. What?

Forget me nuts. Oh, goody, goody. Go out and plant them and I'll dig you later.

Move around. Move around.

What is it? Did you make your mind up yet? About what?

About the flower boxes.

Flower? No, no. I spoke to the colonel. He will not allow flower boxes on the

barracks windows.

Now, I'm sorry.

We'd be in talk of the post. Look, this kind of talk, we can't afford that. Will

you leave me alone? I'm working on it. Will you move? Duck and weave. What?

About the garden.

Can I enter some of the flowers in the flower show with the platoon's name?

the platoon's name? What are you going to do with the guy? Look, we've got

enough trouble now. I've got to get him ready for the platoon tournament. Now

leave me alone, will you? Move around.

Move around.

All right, right cross.

Counterpunch. Counterpunch.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I told you left.

Perhaps I can help Private Paparelli.

Going to help me.

All right, all right. Stop this horsing around. I just want to help, sir. Go

ahead, Private Paparelli. You hit me.

Hit you? What are you trying to do, commit suicide doing him?

All right, get it over with. Hit him.

Watch it. Here it comes. Watch it.

He said watch out.

He didn't watch.

God, I want to punch him. Shut up.

Nothing happened.

Honest, I didn't mean to hit him, Sergeant. I hit him. Who hit him? You

hit him.

Where'd you learn to punch with that right hand like that?

I was Golden Glove champion for two years. Golden Glove. This is it. We're

Hey, did you hear that?

Listen, nothing about this till I can get the bet down. The bet? You mean I'm

killing him? Yeah, now get him into some boxing trunks right away. Come on, Pat

Bradley, you're going bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Oh, gee, am I in trouble.

In trouble? You ain't even betting.

Well, you know the reputation I got of betting on anything.

Yeah, you used to have, you mean. Yeah, I almost think it's worthwhile to

protect my reputation even if it costs me a hundred measly bucks and bet on my

boy. A hundred bucks?

My boy against Paparelli?

Paparelli, you saw him. He's over -trained. He's all tensed up.

Gee, I don't even know if he'll get in a ring tonight.

Just like I figured. Just a lot of talk.

Now, don't start aggravating me because you get me aroused. I'll just bet on

anything. I'll even put another fighter in, even Dillingham.

Dillingham, the flower boy?

Ernie, he'll be a slaughter.

Making a fool of me in front of everybody, huh? Well, I don't care. I'll

anyway. I bet you a hundred bucks on my boy.

A hundred bucks, my boy, against anybody you want to put in there. It's a bet.

It's a bet. Oh, what have I gone and done?

Hey, Sarge.

Sarge. Hey, Sarge. Here he is.

Hey, Claude, you look beautiful.

Sarge, I can use some exercise. I'm getting a little flabby.

Flabby, he says.

We may win this tournament without even throwing a punch.

Psychology, come this way, Claude.

Would you excuse me? Let our boy punch the bag? Sure, we don't know anything

about... Watch the flower, boy.

Ineligible?

I just got transferred. When?

The first day tomorrow morning.

Excuse me, is it alright if my boy punches the bag? Yeah, go ahead. Go

flower.

Hey.

What's wrong with the wicky?

This is a legitimate member of my platoon. I didn't go to some other

get a stranger.

He's no stranger.

Hiya, Basil.

Hiya, Claude.

You know this guy?

I fought him in the Golden Gloves.

Yeah? He knocked me out in 12 seconds.

I gotta get out of here. Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Not yet. He's gonna fight. But, Sarge. Oh, you're gonna fight, all right.

How do you feel, Jack? Yeah, I feel wonderful, Sarge. This exercise, just

needed. I was pretty rusty.

Rusty? Wait till I get him out for some road work. Give him some expert

training. In a couple of months, he'll be in the garden.

Couple of months? Gee, Sarge, I'm ready for the garden right now.

Don't you ever have such confidence?

I'm going to be over there this afternoon.

Got to get my gladiolus in.

This kid's full of surprises, ain't he? First it turns out he's a fighter. Now

he's a comedian.

You know what garden I meant? Madison Square Garden.

Now, after he belts out Eager, right? I get him in a divisional finals.

Please, let me run up my way. Now, look. I get Irving corner management, Whitey

Bimson's in his corner, right? I get him on a roll. Sergeant Pilko, I'm not

allowed to fight. Good boy.

Now, I get some set -ups, see? I get these...

Did you say something?

Yes, sir. I can't find any circumstances.

Look, kid, you're a little tense. This has been a big day, you know? First the

seeds came in, now you're back in training again. What do you mean? What

mean? You're going to defend the whole platoon's honor tonight?

Impossible. I bet a hundred bucks on you. Lucky I stayed in condition, sir.

right, all right, all right.

Now, what is this whole talk about? I'm sorry, Sergeant, but I promised Felicia

I'd never fight again. Felicia? Who's Felicia? My fiancée. Your fiancée?

Yes, and Felicia says fighting is crude.

There's no activity for a horticulturist. And if you'll excuse me,

gladiator. Wait a minute.

This Felicia sounds like a fine girl. She sounds like a bright girl. She must

understand when you're fighting, it's an important thing for a man to know how

to do. Suppose you're out with her one night and some ruffian insults her.

Felicia, it's inconceivable.

Now, wait a minute.

What happened?

Maybe some wise... Nobody insults her. You spring to her defense.

You belt the guy out. Then she'll see it's not just fighting. It's merely the

art of self -defense.

But, Sarge, nobody insults Felicia.

Nobody insults her?

I'd like to meet this girl. She sounds like a wonderful girl. I'll tell you

what. Why don't you bring her to the Paradise Bar and Grill tonight?

Bar and Grill?

Felicia and I never go out. We stay home and look through seed catalogs.

Isn't that beautiful?

Catch you. Doesn't it right in here? That's young love. Good luck.

I want to meet her at the bar and grill. After all, she's your girl and we're

your buddies. She certainly must want to meet your friends.

She never mentioned it. She didn't.

Well, look, she'll like the Paradise Bar and Grill. I want you to have her down

there tonight. Do you understand?

Of course, when I tell you you gave me permission for the garden.

She'll melt, won't she, pal?

She'll melt.

Get her to the Paradise Bar and Grill tonight. That's an order. I'm going to

double get dressed. Yeah, look!

Hey, Sarge, bring in a nice girl into the snake pit. Yeah, with all the wolves

hanging around? Every nice girl is entitled to be insulted once in a life.

Here,

Sarge, they'll be in in a minute.

Dillingham's parking her car. The girl with him? Yeah, bring her right to the

table in a minute to get here, all right? That's about on the double here.

Hey, Sarge, nobody here is going to insult Claude's girl. I've got to find

somebody to insult her.

Ah, the Navy to the rescue.

Hiya, beautiful.

When do you get off?

I turn blue.

Yeah, but how do we know he's going to insult Felicia?

I'll see that he does.

Excuse me, gobs. I noticed you made a little pass at the waitress.

Marcella, lay off. It's army property.

Oh, heavens, I dare say.

Army property.

Get lost, you Asian boy scout.

Having any trouble, Sarge? No, no.

If you need me, just yell. All right, all right.

Now, listen, boys. Any girl you see in here belongs to a soldier.

And I've yet to see a sailor who can take a girl away from a soldier.

You guys are a lot of talk.

But no action. You have glasses that's 20 years.

20 years.

Get yourself a girl. See how long she'll be with you once I go into action.

Yeah, well, never mind about me. I got a buddy coming in here with his beautiful

girlfriend. Now, don't make a pass at her, because he's very nervous. He's

working on flowers all day.

Flowers? Yeah, and you ain't got guts enough to make your move. Not guts, huh?

Here they come, Sarge. You stay right here.

Claude!

Claude, you're a liar.

Yes, he said you were beautiful. Why, you're breathtaking.

From what I've heard, obviously, this is Sergeant Bilko. Come right in.

Eat your heart out. His name is Claude. Claude.

All the tables are taken. Let's go.

Here's the table right here. We're very lucky indeed.

Won't you sit down?

Oh, this will be a lot of fun. Waitress!

I'm glad you came with, Claude. We've always wanted to... Oh. What will it be?

Sip a play?

A lime... I'm Ricky. I'm Ricky for the lady. I'll have a beer. What'll you

Claude? Milk. Milk? Claude's gonna have milk. Milk for Claude. We'll have to

send out for it.

Don't you worry, Claude. Don't fret. You'll get your milk. I'm not fretting.

boy, I'd be frightened if I was you.

And why should Claude be frightened?

Well, if I had a pretty girl like you, I'd be frightened that some good

fellow with a lot of nerve would try to take you away from me.

I'm bored.

She's bored.

be on the board. A pretty young girl like you should be out dancing, having a

good time.

You are stuck with two soldiers. She certainly is.

This is a private party, buddy.

Are you beautiful?

Beautiful! Fight!

Fight!

He thinks you're beautiful, too.

Thank you.

You see,

Felicia, it's good that a man knows how to protect you.

Felicia?

He's still standing. Belt him again. Come on.

No violence.

Claude, you're not going to let him get hurt. You heard what he said about her,

didn't you?

He just said she was beautiful. Yeah, but rebirth's on his mind, huh?

Yeah, do I have to spell it out for you?

I guess I do, yeah. It's too easy.

Hey, honey, how about spinning out to the lake for a moonlight swim?

A moonlight swim? Did you hear that?

Did you hear what? He wants to take her out for a swim.

Don't you get that? A swim. What do you say about that?

Okay. Oh, we got to get our bathing suits first. You stop.

Baby, he don't mean you. He wants to take her out alone. Am I right? Right.

Out for a moonlight swim alone. They don't want me. They don't want you. He

wants to be alone with them. Am I right? Correct me if I'm wrong. You're right.

Don't you see what they're going to do? Out for a moonlight swim. Then in their

bathing suits out on the beach with those women you saw from here to

that, Claude. He wants to take her for a swim. Well?

Well, Felicia?

No. Sorry, she doesn't want to go.

Is that all you can say? She doesn't want to go?

I can't force her.

This guy's a creep.

Just a minute.

I heard that. You called a member of my platoon a creep.

Well, I don't care if I do wear glasses or if my heart is bad. I'll defend this

girl with all my... Stand back, Sergeant. Go, go. Fight, fight, fight.

A man can just dance so much easier. Go, Clark, go. As for you, sticks and

stones will break my bones. But names will never hurt you.

Sticks and stones? Is that the best you can come up with? What a creep!

You said that. Try something else. He's a jerk.

Jerk, he said. A yellow belly. How about it? He said yellow belly. This is

pitiful. Let's get out of here. What's the matter, buddy? Walking out, huh?

I thought you were just a miserable coward.

You were the big man, huh? You're going to take

the girl away, huh? You're nothing.

Listen, Buster.

Any babe would have preferred that creep to me. I don't want.

Let's talk this over a minute. Just a minute.

Let's see if I can get this straightened out. Now, you have referred to him

continually as a creep, am I right? Right.

Now, when you call him a creep, you understand this is his fiancée. So?

When you call him a creep, you infer she's a creep to him, all right? I

say that. It's just for the sake of our... Okay, she is.

She's a what? A creep. Creep? He called your girl a creep? Right!

Hey, you

told him.

Goodbye, Claude. That'll show him. Come on, you. Mashes. You fellas in your navy

clothes. Think what he's doing in an army suit.

Get him off.

What's going on here? Nothing at all, officer. This man has given a dizzy

A clobberer saw a clobberer.

Disgraceful. I'll see you in the car.

Felicia. Not so fast.

Oh, it's you, huh?

Starting trouble again.

I'm Mr. Officer. Wait a minute. There was no trouble. Just two various

of the service.

These boys do a grand job ferrying the soldiers to the field of battle.

You're all right, sir. All right, I'll have no more trouble from you again,

All right. Okay, fellas, break it up. Come on. You've been swell about this,

officer, and you won't be forgotten when promotion time comes around. I happen

to know a few people. Thank you, officer.

Where you going?

Felicia's waiting. Sit down.

I'll tell a lot of that cop me when he's in trouble again.

Well, he was at the flower show last year. Yeah?

I hit a man.

You dealt with a guy?

Well, I had to.

He said something nasty about chrysanthemums.

What did he say? Shut up. He said something about...

Chrysanthemums? I lost my head. Because he said something nasty about

chrysanthemums? Sergeant, there's a vicious circle in the flower world that

consider the chrysanthemum a weed.

A weed?

They're vicious people. They should be smashed down.

That's just the way I feel about it, Sergeant. It's my one -week spot.

I just go berserk. I don't blame you. Stay that way.

Let's go out and protect Felicia. She's in a car.

Say it was high paid.

You better protect Felicia before she kills somebody. Get out of here.

What's the name of that fighter that's with Sawicki?

Corporal Egan. Remind me to have a talk with him first thing in the morning.

About what? About chrysanthemum.

Well, Corporal Egan, how do you feel?

Ready for the fight?

Yeah. Well, uh... Oh, what's the matter?

Oh, what a scare I just got. What scare?

That lettuce. I thought it was chrysanthemum.

Chrysanthemum? Oh.

What's wrong with chrysanthemums?

What's wrong with chrysan... Come on, you're kidding, aren't you? Pulling the

old sergeant's legs, huh?

No, what's wrong with chrysanthemums?

I think he means it. In this day and age, with all the communications we

radio, television, wireless, you never heard of chrysanthemum fever?

Chrysanthemum fever?

Never heard of it.

Sure, never heard of it. If it hit your mother or your father, you'd hear about

it. What mother or father?

I was raised by a maiden aunt.

Maiden aunt?

Maiden aunt?

What's the matter? The first ones that strikes are poor defenseless women. It's

a horrible sight to see their ears turned to petals.

You've got to stand them in water so they don't wilt.

The horrible thing is that science has no remedy for this.

Well, why don't science just... You know, get rid of the chrysanthemums.

Yeah.

That's the rock.

In Washington, there's a small, powerful lobby of chrysanthemum lovers.

Just for that momentary flash of beauty, they'd sacrifice anybody, even your

poor defenseless aunt. Why those dirty dogs?

We've got to fight against them.

I'm with you. That's not enough. You've got to hate chrysanthemums. I hate

chrysanthemums. You've got to hate chrysanthemum lovers. Just give me a

chrysanthemum lover.

I'll see what I can do for you. What?

I mean, I'll get the KP detail in here. Yeah.

I'm going to carry him for a few rounds, and then when I get him, the left, and

then right him with the right. I keep going all the time. All right, KP, do

want to go ahead?

Let's go on. Keep going. Oh, look, Claude, I got you on a salad.

Are you sure, Sergeant, that you don't mind the chrysanthemums in the kitchen?

Mind? Who doesn't love chrysanthemums?

Stay right with him. Don't let him hit Egan. If he swings at him, stop it,

because if he hits him, the fight will be off. Get in there. Watch out. Okay,

you guys.

You're all on two covers.

Hey, Dillingham, what's that you got there?

A flower.

What kind of flower is that?

A chrysanthemum.

Did

you

hear what he said about chrysanthemum? I heard you'll get him in the ring

tonight for that.

You'll be there tonight.

And next time I swing, I won't miss him.

Stay right there. Don't leave him alone for a minute. Take it easy, Sheriff.

Hey, what do you mean by next time I'll swing? Wait a minute.

How?

Did he miss?

Well, not exactly.

Just a lucky punch, Sarge. Just a lucky punch. There must be a weakness.

Don't worry, Sarge. You got nothing to worry about. All right, okay.

in a few minutes. I don't know. Henshaw's out there looking for him. Oh,

is. Did you find him? Slow you, Sarge. I couldn't find him. He's like a wild

man. Listen, Sarge, this afternoon we had him in the library. All of a sudden

looks at the wall, sees Chrysanthemums and takes off. Why didn't you find him?

don't know. Where is he?

Where is he? Where did you do it?

Where's who?

You know my fighter, Regan. You knew he was sure enough to tear your man to

pieces. Now, where is he? Don't you get it? Regan is missing too. These two guys

are so mad at each other they fight each other and they'll kill each other.

We've got to keep him apart till we get him in the ring.

Hey, you're supposed to be ready to fight.

I'm not going to fight, Sarge. What happened?

What happened, Sergeant Bilko? Hiya, Padre.

Hiya, Chaplain. I found these two men with bitterness and hatred in their

squaring off behind my office. You boys ought to be ashamed. All right, Bilko, I

know the whole story.

Shame on you. You took Claude Dillingham, a man of peace.

A gentle soul.

And turned him into a man of violence.

I'm sorry, Padre. I guess I'm a louse.

Vilco, I wish it were in my heart not to agree with you.

You're right, Padre.

I'm sorry, Sarge. Good luck, Paparelli. Thanks, Claude. Coming, Basil.

Coming, Claude. Hey, where are you going?

I'm turning in. I gotta be up at five in the morning.

Five? Wait. I'm helping Claude with his garden.

Sometimes you go a little too far.

You just have to use your substitute fighters.

Oh, no. All bets are off. All right. I'll go get Peterson into his trunks. I

to talk Dillingham out of that mad obsession of his for hitting people who

like chrysanthemums for my own protection.

For your protection?

I don't like chrysanthemums.

Listen to me.

You've been wanted this chance. All is not forsaken. All right? Get a little

more grease.

Now, watch me.

We believe in you.

We want you to believe in yourself.

You carry Blue Cross?

Remember this in here.

We believe in you. We have nothing to worry about with you. Get a lot of

bandages. Keep them standing by. Now, look.

Get in there and believe like we believe.

I like the field hospital.

Splints, a stretcher, and some oxygen if you need it.

This is it. Drop your hands.

Drop your hands. Deep breath.

Let me hear it. With every breath, I want a piece of confidence.

That's the way. Believe in yourself. You're going to be fine.

Now, tell me.

What is your name?

Dino Paccarelli. No.

Your name is Tiger Vicious.

Remember that. You're vicious.

It's you against the whole world. You got that?

Do you remember it? You hate everybody.

You're going to be great. Now, look. One thing. Keep a left in the space all the

time. Keep a left.

You notice I did it with my fingers open. You close your fist and send it

Right. Keep the left. And never one punch.

Combination. Now, if you hit him low, why do you care? You lose a point. All

right? Get in there all the time.

What's your opponent's name?

Victor Peterson.

It is not. His name is Slinky Wolf.

And he's coming to get your tiger cubs.

Combination. Here we go. Come on.

What happened? What happened?

What happened? It's all right. It's all right. The fight is over. Who won?

You did. What round did I get him in? In the first round.

And here I was going to bet $100.

We were going to bet on our fighter. You win the $100. Hey, but Sarge.

Just a minute. It's all right. Now, what's your name?

Tiger Vicious.

No, no, no, no.

Your name? Your name is Paparelli.

And you're the bravest man in the platoon.

Paparelli was played by Billy Sands.

Claude Dillingham by Walter Cartier.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.