Original subtitles

Well, looks like Sammy's class needs a new room, Mother.

What happened to Valerie?

They caught her making out with a custodian.

There's a merging of mustaches.

Sorry to hold everybody up. I was writing some checks.

You were trimming your ear hair.

If I take care of my body, it will take care of me.

All right, we're coming.

Jimmy needs to get to the movies early.

One time we were too late to stop for snow caps. He rummaged through my purse

and ate all my birth control.

Logan owes his very existence to the guy who stole our parking spot that night.

Can I bring a jacket?

You might as well. The theater's probably going to be cold.

Yeah, but sometimes it's not cold. And then I've carried this thing all the way

across the parking lot, through the mall, just to drape it over an empty

Well, I think it's worth that risk.

And if I don't forget it in the theater, I have to carry it all the way through

the mall, back across the parking lot. So don't bring it.

I don't know.

What is taking so long? I can't decide whether to bring a jacket.

Bring it.

Okay, you're right.

I really like that little girl's hair from the movie last night.

Which one? The cute one with the curly hair or the demonic one who stabbed her

parents?

The demonic one.

I think I should cut Emily's hair like that.

I like Emily's hair the way it is.

Oh, that little girl's hair was so cute.

Yeah, it looked good on her, but I don't think it's going to look good on Emily.

And besides, once you cut it, it's going to take a long time to grow back. Yeah,

but it's so much easier to take care of when it's short.

I mean, after a three -hour exorcism, they didn't even have to comb it.

Morning. Morning.

Hey, Christine, do you remember that little girl from the movie last night?

Oh, you mean the one that skimped on the butter flavoring?

No, in the movie.

The girl with the bob.

I was thinking about cutting Emily's hair like that. What do you think?

No. Why?

Because that girl had, like, a long, skinny face, and Emily's got a nice

round face.

It's not the right look for her. That's a good point.

Thanks, Christine. Sure.

Yeah, thanks from all of us. How do you get her to listen to you like that?

Well, she asked for my opinion. Yeah, she asked for mine first. I told her the

exact same thing you did, and she completely ignored it.

Yeah, well, that's the way marriage is, Greg.

You think it's any different at my house? Jimmy hasn't listened to me in

If he did, we wouldn't have invested in 500 rare beanie babies.

I mean, it's crazy. We're married. I'm her husband. She asks me what I think,

and I tell her. She completely ignores it. With you, it's a totally different

story. You could get her to do anything that you wanted to.

Not anything.

Still wears that hideous skort every once in a while.

Last night, she asked me if she should be the new room mother at Sammy's

What does it matter?

She's not going to listen anyway, but you could talk her out of it.

Well, what's wrong with her being room mother?

Oh, she's just going to be at school all the time, which means I'm going to have

quite much to do around here. She's going to be dealing with complaining

and whining kids and bossy teachers.

I could write this down on a note card for when you talk to her.

Me?

No, no, no. I'm not going to manipulate my own sister just because you want me

to. It would be evil.

Well, you manipulated her about the haircut.

I gave her my honest opinion, and my honest opinion is that if Kim wants to

to be room mother, then she should try it.

Christine, tell me if you think this is a great idea.

I'm thinking we should cement over the backyard.

What? That way, I won't ever have to rake, mow, seed, or weed ever again.

What do you think?

I mean, I like our backyard the way it is. I don't want to look out there and

see nothing but gray.

Well, then we'll paint it green.

It's already green.

Trust me, it's going to be awesome. You're going to love it when it's done.

Can you believe that? Yeah, that's the way marriage is.

You know, he might listen to someone he's not married to.

All right, Peyton, where do I sign?

Hey. Wow.

Looks like you're making some real progress back here. Yeah, cement trucks

arrive at any minute.

By Monday morning, I will be erasing mow the lawn off my to -do list and

replacing it with relax on cement.

Sounds great.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm finally going to have enough room back here to work on

cars. You know how many junkers I can fit back here?

No one's going to have a better view of your junkyard than me.

I've got to admit, though, I'm kind of surprised. I always thought you'd be the

type that once you bought a house, you'd want to, you know, have those

Thanksgiving football games with the boys back here, you know?

I guess you're really not about that.

Well, I guess we'll just go to the park.

No more summer afternoons running through the sprinklers for them, huh?

Guess not.

Well, there's a lot of things you can do with the boys on cement.

Uh -huh.

You know, like hopscotch.

Oh, oh, jacks and jacks.

Wasn't for girls.

Well, I guess you could always roller skate back here.

But, Greg, be honest with me. You think this is a bad idea?

Have you decided about the whole room mother thing?

Well, I've been thinking about it, and the truth is, it's going to be

Christine.

I mean, I'll really get to be there with Sammy as he learns, instead of just

hearing about it at the dinner table at night.

And every night, I'll write down my impressions in a journal, maybe glue in

of Sammy's artwork along the way.

And then years from now, I'll give it all to him as a gift when he's lucky

enough to have a child of his own.

Kim, that sounds beautiful.

You don't have time to be room mother.

Yes, you did.

You did it, too.

We did it.

I should have thought of this years ago. I would have never had to take those

stupid salsa lessons.

And I wouldn't have a duvet cover with a Stanley Cup on it.

What should we tackle next?

Oh, I know what I want. I want my doorbell fixed. It has not worked since

day we moved in. The Chinese food delivery guy got so upset, he started

a gong.

Fine. Done. You know what I want? You know all those frilly, cutesy pillows

keeps all over the bed?

Make them go away.

I can do that. I mean, it takes me five minutes to clear the decks before I even

lay down, and then I get up in the middle of the night, I'm tripping over

pillows every step of the way. What's with all the pillows?

Easy, Seinfeld. I said I'd take care of it.

Hey, what's in there?

I decided to get rid of all the pillows on the bed.

Really?

Yeah. Christine and I were looking through this magazine, and she pointed

that all those pillows made the room feel cluttered and claustrophobic.

Oh, I'm going to miss them.

Too bad, because they're out of here.

That is a little sound I like to call Mommy is smarter than Daddy.

Huh? Huh?

Huh? And Greg was going on and on this morning about how I was no good with low

-voltage electronics.

You showed him, honey.

Yeah. Hey, kids, check out what I found in Greg and Kim's trash.

or the doorbell? Just for the doorbell, for the whole idea.

Oh, I know.

I'd given up on me and my wife having any kind of equal partnership at home,

thanks to your scheming and manipulation, you have completely

in marriage.

That is so beautiful.

So is there anything else I can do for you?

No, not really.

You?

Nah.

Number one, talk Jimmy into getting a pedicure.

Gross.

I know. Sometimes when we spoon, it's more like a fork.

Okay, fine. I'll do it. If you can talk Kim into quitting her book club.

Oh, I don't know, Greg. Kim loves that book club.

Yeah, but every Thursday night, that used to be my poker night.

You know, you might not want to hear this, but everything you're asking for

seems a little selfish. Well, of course it's selfish. What do you think we're

doing here, planning a fundraiser?

I just want to get my doorbell fixed and not get stabbed by my husband's feet.

I'm just trying to stay alive.

What?

My wife keeps after her toes. I want to play cards.

How about I get Kim to let Soda back in the house?

I can get Sammy to do that.

Can't get Sammy to tell her that having sex three times a week is the key to a

solid marriage.

Three times a week, I'd have to cut back.

Oh, please. You're forgetting how close together our houses are. Oh, God. Can

you hear us?

Yeah. You begging and her snoring.

Toenails for poker. That's my final offer.

No, I'm not going to do it. It's wrong.

Well, it's a little too late for morality now. This is a dirty business,

don't kid yourself, sister. You're in just as deep as I am.

I am trying to make things better for my whole family, and you're just trying to

make things better for yourself.

Well, at least I'm not a self -righteous hypocrite. No, you're a jerk.

And you're full of crap.

I am so done with this.

Good luck sleeping with Edward Scissorfeet.

Oh, my God, Tim, this meal is delicious.

How come your mom thought you had it cooking, not Christine?

She did.

Took Christine out for her easy -bake oven.

Then she was just easy.

Quite often baked.

That's pretty funny, huh, you guys?

Mm -hmm.

Christine, I kind of expected you to insult me back.

Whatever.

Does anyone want coffee? Or should we just wait for dessert?

I'd love a cup now.

I think we should wait for dessert. Yeah, let's wait for dessert.

What are you doing?

Sorry, my foot itches.

Jimmy, we're eating, okay? Can you do that somewhere else? Hey, we're done

eating. Dinner's pretty much over. It's okay. Relax.

Take your shoe and sock off and have at it.

I was thinking about your whole room mother situation.

Well, that's ancient history, Christine.

Kim's already turned that down.

Oh, you did?

You're the one who talked me out of it. No, I know, but I've been thinking, and

I might have come up with another option.

You'd still get the same experience of watching Sammy grow, but you'd only have

to give up one day a week.

You could teach Sunday school.

Huh? Yeah.

And then Greg could watch Emily on Sundays.

Oh. Well, Greg was kind of counting on playing golf on Sundays. Yeah, yeah.

Well, but you wouldn't put... golf ahead of the spiritual development of your

children, would you, Greg?

Of course not.

Oh, if there's a God in heaven, you'll put your shoe back on.

How dare you?

How dare I what?

You know, we had a deal. We had an understanding and it all went south. You

behind my back and try to screw me just because you have a guilty conscience.

I don't have a guilty conscience. I just wanted to screw you.

Oh, yeah, well, I can have the cement truck back here in no time. I can have

Jimmy cement the front yard, too.

I'll tell Kim about the pillows.

Bing -bong!

Bing -bong!

I'll tell Kim about that time at work you got a call from your old girlfriend.

Oh, time out.

a second, honey, and see, that's how you get them to bloom.

Oh.

You guys have been acting weird all night. I want to know what is going on.

What is going on out here?

They say they're out here in the middle of the night watering.

Oh. Okay.

Good night.

We shouldn't have done it, okay? We shouldn't have gone behind your backs.

I can't believe you two would manipulate me and Jimmy like this.

I honestly don't know what to say.

Me neither.

Usually I'm the one apologizing.

This time I didn't do anything wrong.

I did not do anything wrong.

I just got really frustrated, okay?

You won't ever listen to me, Kim.

Listen to you about what?

Listen to me about everything.

You wouldn't listen to me about Emily's haircut.

You wouldn't listen to me about cable versus satellite.

And you wouldn't listen to me when I wanted to buy Jordan cowboy boots.

Who's Jordan?

That's what I wanted to name Sammy, but who's listening?

I thought you liked the name Sammy.

That was me. Aha!

See? You ask my opinion on everything and then completely ignore it and do

whatever Christine says to do. That is not true.

That is kind of true, Kim.

Okay, maybe it's a little bit true. Say you're doing it right now!

Hey, hey, hey, hang on, everybody. Let's just, come on, let's just take a deep

breath.

Remember what's important.

That I didn't do anything wrong.

But you did. I mean, you both theme roll over us all the time.

It's like you guys don't even hear us when we disagree with you.

I'm supposed to apologize now?

Well, that'd be nice.

What do you think, Christine?

Oh, my God.

I am doing it.

Greg, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I really am.

Christine, I'm sorry I do the same thing to you. Really, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, too.

And, uh, I'm sorry to you, Kim. I mean, I was having a problem in my own

marriage, and I was willing to screw you to solve it, and I was wrong.

Well, I accept your apology.

Well, I guess there's only one thing left to say.

What's that, Greg?

I am so glad this is all over.

What? Well, I just think that there's one more apology owed someone.

Oh, God, Jimmy, fine.

Fine. I apologize.

Apology not accepted!

How dare she not accept my apology?

Take it easy.

I haven't seen you this upset since I replaced Steve with Joe on Blue's Clues.

Maybe I should put my apology in the refrigerator. I've never seen him have a

problem taking anything from there.

What the hell is going on now?

What the hell are you doing? I'm boarding up the gate. In the middle of

night? Yeah, that's right. I'm not going to be able to sleep until I know that

our properties are no longer connected.

Well, apparently no one can with all the noise you just woke him up.

Sorry, Kim.

She doesn't accept your apology.

Jimmy. Oh.

What the hell are you doing back here? I'm closing up this gate for good. And

God, I've been waiting my whole life to say this. Get off my land.

That would carry a little more weight if that wasn't my nail gun.

Why didn't you accept my apology?

No, you didn't mean it.

You accepted Christine.

She thinks she meant it. No, I know she didn't mean it.

But you accepted it.

Because one day I'm going to... to have to apologize to her when I don't mean

it, and I'm going to need her to accept that.

That's what happens in a marriage sometimes.

That's why Kim accepted your apology.

No, she believed me.

No, she didn't. She's just playing the game.

Yeah, well, maybe it works like that when you're married, but Kim accepted

Christine's apology. You should have accepted mine. They're sisters.

Yeah, and what are we, Jimmy?

You know what? That's a good question.

After all these years, you can scheme behind my back, lie right to my face,

you know what we are?

We're nothing.

We're just two guys and married sisters.

That's not true. Yeah, really.

Well, Jimmy, we see each other every day.

So what?

We're raising our kids together. We practically live in each other's house.

week I tucked Sammy into bed and didn't realize it was actually Logan until he

prayed for the Lakers to cover the spread.

That's got nothing to do with you and me.

That's just logistics, you know?

It's more than that.

I mean, you just look at my life the past six years and how it's all changed.

mean, it's changed.

Everything's changed.

And you've got to admit, I've loosened up a little bit. You know, I've learned

to go with the flow and not take life so serious. And for the first time ever,

I'm happy. I mean, I truly, truly have learned to enjoy myself.

And where do you think I learned that, Jimmy?

You're not just my brother -in -law.

You're my brother.

Guess I should take these planks down, huh?

Yeah.

Sorry you had to waste all that wood.

Yeah.

What is that, cake?

Yeah.

Where the hell's my picnic tape?

Where was I going to find wood planks at three in the morning?

They're fine. They didn't even wake up. What was that noise?

I don't know. We should go check on everything.

That's a pretty big one.

Good thing we paid to have the house retrofitted. Imagine if we hadn't.

Is the guest house okay?