Original subtitles

Hey. Hi.

Hi. What's up, guy?

What's up with them?

Homework.

They're that into it?

That's my new homework for sugar program.

You should work for the Board of Education.

Done. There you go.

I take it back. You should work at SeaWorld.

Done.

Hey, Dominic, how was school today, buddy?

Great. Our class picked up the most trash during lunch last month.

We all won the new Guinness Book of World Records. Oh, yeah, I loved that

when I was in school.

Now, judging by some of your old girlfriends, you also had a gift for

trash at lunchtime.

Hey, so is there still a picture of a big fat guy in overalls in there?

Yeah, right here. Yeah, check out his name.

Robert Earl Hughes. Cool.

Are we related to him? Nah.

Darn.

Well, believe me, honey, when you get a little older, you'll be grateful you're

not genetically linked to a guy who had to be buried in a piano case.

So what else happened at school today?

Nothing much. It was career day, so a couple of parents came to talk about

job. Oh, yeah?

What'd they do?

One was a stomach doctor, one was a brain doctor.

Hey, and one was Dr.

Dre.

Hey, uh, listen, if they ever have a bake sale and he's selling brownies,

eat them.

But, uh, make sure you bring some home for Mommy.

May I go read my room?

Yeah, sure, buddy.

I'll tell you what, we'll catch up a little bit later, okay?

Ah, here we go.

A boy reaches a certain age and it happens. You know, I knew this day was

come, if that's what it was.

What day? The day he goes where he's alone in his room?

Oh, my God.

You think he's going in there to... Oh, no, no.

It's way too early for that. Oh, thank God.

He scared the hell out of me.

Especially because he went in there with that Guinness book. That'd just be

weird.

Dominic didn't invite me to career day.

So? Well, he invited me every other year.

Also, see, Christine, he's embarrassed that his dad is a security guard.

That's ridiculous. Now, look, I knew this day was going to come eventually.

I went through the same thing when I was a kid, you know?

When I was little, I used to think, like, hey, my dad, he drives a bus.

Yeah.

And I got to be Dominic's age, and I was like, my God, my dad, he drives a bus.

Look, honey, L .A. is a tough town.

I mean, if we had stayed back in Maryland, a guy with a badge, health

and a Trans Am would have ruled on career day.

I know.

Out here, Dominic goes to school with Antonio Banderas' kid.

Yeah, well, don't feel too bad. His last three movies flopped.

I know. That's why his kid is stuck playing with Dominic.

You guys have a question?

You ever embarrassed to be security guards?

What? You know, having such a low status job.

Low status?

It's a world famous movie studio.

Lots of pretty young ladies who know that I'm the big strong man that

them. Open the gate, moron.

I love this job, man. We get dibs on all the stuff from lost and found after

it's been there for 30 days.

For example, I found this mini Swiss Army knife there.

Hey, that's mine.

30 days. Too late.

I'm not so proud of this job.

I've heard you lie about what you do when you meet women.

We said we think this is a good job.

We didn't say women think this is a good job.

Technically, I don't lie. I just tell them I'm a key man at Melrose Studios.

You get it?

Get it?

Billy, I was there when you read it in the Bazooka Joe comic.

Why are you so worried about this all of a sudden? Dominic didn't invite me to

career day.

You know, I think now that he's getting older, he's embarrassed by my job.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, you should let him come around. Let him see how cool we are. I mean, we

get to carry tasers and everything.

Oh! All right.

Dominic used to think this job was cool.

It's a great job.

Good pay, benefits, vacation time.

I mean, Dominic's just not old enough to appreciate these things.

Yeah, let the cruel, hard world beat the dreams out of him, and then one day

he'll be happily standing right here with us.

Hi, honey. How was work?

Same as always.

I raise the gate, people with cool jobs drive through, I lower the gate.

You feel upset about Dominic?

It's just career day. It'll pass.

I don't think so.

No, the truth is... Once I started to be embarrassed by my father, I never

stopped. To this day, I'm still embarrassed by him.

You think that has to do with him being a bus driver?

You don't think it might have something to do with his habit of gambling away

the grocery money?

Maybe a little.

The fact that he stayed out drinking all night, every night?

I guess.

Let's not forget about insurance fraud, fighting, whoring around.

Hey, that's my father you're talking about.

Right, but that's not you.

Look, maybe you don't have the coolest job, right? But you're still a cool

father.

I mean, how many of those other dads with their big -shot jobs take their

go -kart racing?

Or build a treehouse?

That's true.

No, you're right. You know, I am a pretty cool dad.

You know, last month on our Cub Scout camping trip, when Dominic asked to put

the black -eyed piece, I was the only dad that didn't reach for the can

Exactly.

See?

Do you feel better?

Yes. Thank you.

You know what? I do not know what I would do without you, Christine.

You know, I think my dad would have been a better father if he had had a wife

like you.

Well, it's kind of an easy for him, you know?

Coming home to a drinking, smoking, cursing, lazy... Hey, that's my mother

you're talking about!

Come on, buddy, get your sneakers on. We're going for a ride.

Nothing. I'd rather read.

Did you know that the most expensive coffee is made from cat poop?

What?

The best beans are eaten by wild cats when someone digs through their poop,

the beans out, and sells them for $300 a pound.

Yeah, add a little foam, you get yourself a crappuccino.

Come on, let's go do something fun.

Do I have to?

Yeah. Come on, buddy. We're going to go play skee -ball. We're going to win some

prizes. That's our thing.

I just want to read.

All right, fine. You know what? You take your book with you, all right?

Okay. All right.

Did you know that there was a guy who made 534 parachute jumps in 24 hours?

He must be the world's bravest man.

No, Dominic. The world's bravest man is the first guy to try that coffee.

Gonna do another sack of tickets over here. I tell you, I keep winning at this

pace, you guys are gonna have to comp me a suite overlooking the batting cages.

Is Dominic even been watching?

No.

Man, skee -ball was our thing.

Sorry. But on the bright side, for Mother's Day, maybe I'll get jewelry

not made out of sweet tarts.

Hey, Dominic.

Check it out.

You can get anything you want, everything you want.

Legos, giant slinky, you name it, buddy.

There's nothing I really want.

It's all for little kids.

Yeah, but what about that remote -controlled fart machine?

No thanks.

Logan might like it.

Here, Logan, these are for you.

Don't even count these tickets.

Just give me the fart machine.

Yeah.

For how long?

Don't start that.

Look, Dominic will come around.

I don't know, Christine. Career Day was one thing, but this is skee -ball.

Skee -ball?

Well, skee -ball is your thing.

Now he has a thing of his own. How about you show some interest in that?

No, you're right.

I gotta get into that Guinness book.

Exactly. You know what? We'll pick you up a copy on the way home.

No.

I'm going to get my name in that Guinness book. I'm going to set a

Come on, really?

Yeah. This is my relationship with my son you're talking about. I don't care

what it takes. I'm going to get my name in that Guinness book.

Wow.

I haven't seen you this determined since you first started getting in my pants.

Well, I only wish it was going to be that easy.

All right, now listen, I'm... Obviously not going to break the record for most

NBA championship titles with the longest walk ever taken on the moon. So I think

we should just stick to the human achievement section.

Here's one that should be easy for you.

Largest eruption.

Oh, wait, that's volcanoes.

Hey, hey, how about this one? Most gender reassignment surgeries, 64.

This guy had 64 surgeries to turn himself into a woman.

Is there a picture?

Page 62.

Huh. Looks just like the girl's gym teacher at my high school.

Mine, too.

How do you prove this stuff, anyway?

It says right here, you send in an application, you wait for them to

you, and then videotape your attempt.

You also need two witnesses who are not relatives.

Yeah, I can get Roy and Billy.

Who are upstanding members of your community.

Or somebody else.

Okay, how about this one?

Largest kidney stone, 12 .5 ounces.

Nope. How about jumping rope?

234 in a minute. Nope.

How about most bras unhooked in a minute?

How many? 20. Nope.

Hey, remember this guy, the world's tallest man?

Oh, man.

This guy had it easy. He didn't have to do anything. He just got in.

Now, why couldn't that have been me?

Hey, remember these guys? Chang and Ng Bunker, the world's first Siamese twins.

Why couldn't I be the world's first something?

You really want to be one of the world's first Siamese twins?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe you could grow the world's longest fingernail.

faster way to get into the book. You can just make up your own record and submit

it for approval.

Let me see that.

This is perfect.

All I gotta do is figure out something I'm already great at and do all the time

and then just get it approved and I'm in.

Hey, hey, hey.

How about the longest time spent on unemployment in two states

at the same time?

I'm serious. What's something I do more than anybody else? You guys gotta help

me.

Concentrate, concentrate.

What do I do?

What do I do more than anybody else?

What?

Stupid. What?

Your hat.

Oh, thanks. It's a new one. I just picked it up. No, you wear a hat more

anyone else in the world. You have to have the record.

Oh, my God, you're right. The most hours spent wearing a hat.

I wear my hat everywhere.

Except this one time where they made me take it off at this bar mitzvah.

But then they just gave me this other little round ones.

from Guinness World Records. I've been waiting for that. Let me see that.

Why have they sent you a letter? You don't have any special talent.

We'll see about that.

Go ahead and read it.

Dear Mr. Hughes, we receive over 6 ,000 inquiries a year and regret that we

cannot certify a record that is so specific to one individual.

Thank you for your interest.

Let me see that.

Specific to one individual? Everybody wears hats.

It's okay, Dad.

Thanks for trying.

Don't worry, Dominic. I'm going to get in that book.

Damn it.

Why couldn't I have been born with a book and a tail?

Okay, Kim, just make sure the shot is wide enough to get all the action.

Got it.

Okay, guys, are you ready to be a part of history?

You know, if you can't do this, Dominic is going to be disappointed, but Billy's

going to be devastated.

Jimmy, I got your witnesses.

Oh, thank you so much for coming. I know how busy you guys can be on the

weekend. And Mr. Savitki, thank you so much. I'm really honored you would do

this for me. My pleasure, Jimmy. Besides, any time I spend with the

counts as community service towards my DUIs.

Okay, let's get started. Hi.

My name is Jimmy Hughes, and I'm attempting to break the coin -spinning

of 19 .37 seconds in three attempts or less.

Does that one count?

Well, these guys are tough.

Sorry,

Dad. Not a record.

I don't know what Smith is. Jimmy does better under pressure.

I got 20 bucks says he breaks the record on the next try.

I'll take that action.

was exciting.

Now, Rabbi, if I could just get your signature right here.

How many more clothespins?

Only 119.

guys say the three of us walk into a bar i've always wanted to do that

ow

ow i should have done the grapes first you know stretched out my cheeks before

did the clothes pins so what are you gonna try next giving up i gotta get in

that record book unless there's a record for most failed attempts at getting in

Well, there might be. They don't. I already checked.

Okay, then.

What?

I just thought this was important to you, that's all. It is, but you saw it,

Christine. I didn't even come close to setting a record.

Well, that's because, like always, you took the lazy way out.

I did not.

Jimmy, you tried to get in for wearing a hat.

And then you picked the three easiest records you could find, and as soon as

don't break those, you quit.

Well, I'm sorry, but not everyone's lucky enough to have had a bullet in

head for 61 years.

Or blessed with a nine -inch appendix.

No, but do you think the guy that squirted milk out of his eyeball shot at

feet the first time?

Probably not.

And the first time he tried it and just a little bit of milk leaked out of the

bottom of his eyeball and trickled down his nose, did he give up?

I guess not.

And what about the guy that ate 18 bicycles? You don't think he wanted to

the first time he passed a gear shift?

He probably did.

I'm just saying that if it's so important for you to impress Dominic,

you've got to step up and you've got to put in the work. Oh, you're right.

You're absolutely right, Christine. I've got to put in the work.

How many bras did that guy unhook again?

Pick something you're better at. Oh, please.

I used to be pretty quick at that.

Jimmy, the first time you tried to unhook my bra, it took you ten minutes.

Yeah, ten minutes from when we started dating.

All right, Dominic, you ready?

Yeah. Okay.

So, uh, what record are you going for now?

Farthest marshmallow nose blow caught in someone else's mouth.

That was a little stupider than you had idea.

Guinness is never going to go for that. I already went for it. It's an existing

record. All I got to do is fire a marshmallow from a single nostril 16

inches into somebody else's mouth.

Greg, I'm going to need your help.

Jimmy, I have fed you, I have housed you, and I have clothed you.

And there's no way in hell I'm going to let you shoot a marshmallow out of your

nose into my mouth hole.

Actually, Billy's going to do that. We've been practicing for days.

Yeah. I love Jimmy, I love Dominic, and I love marshmallows.

All right, all I need you to do is hold one end of the tape measure.

All right.

16 feet, 4 inches.

Okay.

Kim, are you ready?

And action!

Hi, my name is Jimmy Hughes, and I'm attempting to break the record for

marshmallow nose blow.

Rabbi, load me up.

Okay, pay attention, Dominic.

Your dad is about to make history.

18 feet, 4 inches. A new world record.

I'm telling you, Billy, we're going to be rich. We just got to figure out a way

to get the cats to eat these coffee beans.

What happens after they eat the beans?

That's where you come in.