Original subtitles

This thing is amazing.

Keeps the hot things hot.

And keeps the cold things cold.

Try to keep the dry things dry.

So I heard through the grapevine, Savitsky's looking for a new assistant.

Yeah, so?

So what about Christine?

I miss working at the same studio as her. Jimmy, Christine already works for

president of Radford Studios.

Coming over to Melrose would just be a lateral move.

Yeah, but it's not about the job, Greg. It's about getting the old group back

together. Jimmy, we're employees at a movie studio, not Van Halen.

We just ask him, okay?

Savitsky needs an assistant, and he already knows Christine is perfect.

I don't know if you want Christine working for Savitsky.

The man's hit on every assistant he's ever had. Yeah, and they all settled out

of court for thousands of dollars.

Christine can cry on cue, Greg.

And the house needs a copper re -pipe.

You got

a second, Mr. Savitsky? Sure, just

paying some bills. You know, you'd save yourself a lot of time and trouble if

you'd just do that banking online.

No, I could have saved myself a lot of time and trouble if I didn't marry the

three crazy women who'll be cashing these checks.

What's on your mind, Warner?

It's my sister -in -law, Christine, actually.

You remember her, right?

Are you kidding? Jimmy's wife?

I love that whole family.

I once let them live in my guest house.

Well, technically, you don't have to love them to let them do that.

True story.

You think if I make this check out to money -grubbing whore number two, the

will clear it?

Anyway, Mr.

Savitsky, I only bring up Christine because she's now working with Paul

as an assistant over at Radford Studios, and I thought maybe you'd consider

hiring her to work with you.

What? She's working for Mercer? He hired her after I left with you.

I don't need her here, but I do need her right where she is, privy to everything

going on at Radford.

I'm not sure I understand.

Wow, I thought Jimmy was the slow one.

Look, our business is powered by information. The more we know about our

competition, the better. If you can get Christine to pass on information about

what's going on at Radford Studios, we'd be unstoppable.

You want her to be a spy? It sounds a little sneaky.

Sneaky? Of course it's sneaky, Warner!

It's also how every studio in this town operates.

Let's not forget, it was Mercer and his toady Mike Worley that fired us all to

begin with.

That is true. That's true.

Trust me. You pull this off, and you will have my sincere appreciation.

And I am a very loyal person, as well as a very vindictive person.

Loyal, vindictive.

Vindictive, loyal.

Whatever you want to do.

But I put Jimmy in charge of remote control so he would feel included.

Well, Christine, I haven't seen you for a while. What's new at work?

Nothing, really. Same old, same old.

Really? Well, I've been gone for about three months now, so I'm sure there's

to be something new going on.

Well, actually, Starbucks set up these carts around the lot now. Anytime you

want, you can get a latte.

Huh.

How about that?

What else is going on?

Hey, do they have Frappuccinos and frozen stuff? Because I thought at the

they don't have blenders. No, they don't. They don't. It's a hot drink.

It's a hot drink, okay? It's a hot drink.

So what else is going on?

Well, uh, remember the vending machine in the executive building?

Gone. Now you just take a snack and leave the money in the basket. But why

anyone buy those snacks when there's a Starbucks cart?

I mean, don't they have, like, muffins and scones and biscotti? What part of

just hot drinks do you not understand?

Hey, you need to... another grown -up. Daddy came to that jello by the sink and

now he has a tummy ache.

It wasn't jello. I just finished defatting the chicken soup.

I told him chicken jello sounded weird.

You know, there are some days over at Radford Studios that I really miss.

So what's happening on the entertainment side of things?

Well, there is this one new thing that everybody is talking about.

Really, what is it?

Once a week, they have free lunches and outdoor entertainment. Last week, we had

a Sha Na Na tribute band.

Yeah. Next week, Sha Na Na.

Wow.

How about that?

This is kind of nice, talking about stuff with you.

How was your day at work?

Not bad.

I think tomorrow's going to suck.

You wanted to see me?

Shut that door. Oh, God.

Well?

What? What'd you find out?

Oh, about Radford?

No, about whether my boggy prostate needs to be milked or not.

Of course, Radford!

Now, give me the info and don't spare any details.

Well,

the studio doesn't deal with the coffee trucks anymore. They have these carts

set up.

Good, good. What else?

The snack system has changed. It's on the honor system now.

Go on.

And they have these different restaurants set up outside once a week

Na.

So snacks on the honor system, coffee and outdoor dining.

handing out bagels?

Get me something I can use.

I'm sorry.

It's just... I don't want excuses.

I want release dates.

I want stars they're about to sign.

Strategies. Something that can actually help me.

I'll try. I'll try.

You'll do more than try.

Now you go back to your sister -in -law and milk her for information.

Or you'll be milking something else around here.

the usual. How was your day?

Good, except the brakes on the minivan are really squealing.

Oh, they can't be good. And Christine, how about you?

Anything interesting happen today?

Not really. And there's kind of a burning smell.

Honey, Christine was in the middle of something.

No, I was finished.

That's funny.

You know who I just finished talking to?

George Savitsky says to say hello.

Really?

Oh, that's sweet of him. Back when we worked together, the only time he was

friendly is when he wanted something.

He wants something.

What? I want you to give him a hand with something.

From his track record, I can guess where he wants me to put that hand.

Christine, this is great. He wants you to come work with us. No, no. He just

thinks Christine can be helpful to the studio if she passes along a little

information from Radford.

Are you asking me to be a...

Bye? Mr. Savitsky said he'd be very appreciative.

The answer is no, Greg, all right? It's completely unethical.

Oh, I am not going to sit here and be lectured on ethics by the woman who

a pillow under her shirt so she can park at the expected mother spot at the

mall.

I was meeting Jimmy for lunch, all right? I may not have been pregnant on

way in, but I very well could have been on the way out.

Well,

I'm sorry, Kim, but sometimes that's the way the business world works.

I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, Savitsky's always been very

to us. Yeah, and with us, too. And he's made it very clear that life is going to

be unpleasant for me unless we can get you to do this for us.

Look, the bottom line is I worked at Radford, all right? They pay me, and I

not going to screw them.

If Savitsky can't understand that, then you can tell him where to shove it.

Well, I'm afraid it's going to be a little crowded up there.

Hey. No.

Don't turn around. Just keep driving. What are you doing back there? I got

something for you. Yeah, I hope it's a change of pants.

I got some information out of Christine.

What? How?

You know, just in the husband and wife end of day kind of conversation.

I actually listened this time.

Jimmy, you sure you want to do this? Hey, you've been great to us, Greg.

And so has Mr. Savitsky. Without you two guys, we wouldn't have anything.

Maybe Christine thinks there's something more important than that, but I don't.

Well, thank you, Jimmy.

So what did she have to say?

She says the studio's big summer horror movie looks like a bomb.

Really? Yeah, she says they're going to push it back and dump it in the fall.

Oh, that's incredible. So Vitsky's going to flip.

But why did you have to tell me from the back seat?

I just think that now that I'm the pipeline to this information, we

seen together.

But we're together all the time.

Yeah.

I think we should cut that way down, too.

If you insist.

Got some big news out of Radford.

What'd they do now? Sweep from oatmeal to cream of wheat?

What is it?

The summer horror movies stink, so they're dumping it in the fall.

Christine tell you this? Not exactly. Christine told Jim. The less I know, the

better. I have to stay squeaky clean on this, Warner.

Next week, I'm being honored by the Boy Scouts of America.

Now, what else do we got on these bastards?

That's it for today.

Put more tomorrow.

I'll try, Scouts Honor.

This is fantastic. Now, we can release our horror movie early.

Nice going, Warner.

Wow, sir, that's the first time I think you've ever given me a hug.

Oh, crap, you gonna sue me now?

Of course not.

Well, good, because I just finished paying off my legal fees from last

Christmas party.

Apparently, if you're going to have women sit on your lap and ask them if

they've been naughty, you better be dressed up like Santa.

Hey, there you are. How are you?

Oh, I've been late. I'm okay.

You're late?

Relax. I'm late coming home from work.

And in bed, and there's chicken Florentine on the stove.

You made that?

No, Kim made it. I watched it. Didn't seem that hard.

I mean, this is so sweet of you.

Well, you know what? You deserve it.

So, you know, just relax. Tell me about your day.

Oh, God, we've got this huge movie hanging by a thread.

Oh, yeah?

It's so complicated.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You don't have a drink. I'll get you a drink.

So what's the big complicated story?

is interested.

Oh, Brad Pitt. Yeah, he's good.

Yeah.

But he won't commit unless James L. Brooks directs. James L.

Brooks. Okay, yeah.

And then Samuel L. Jackson co -stars.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Samuel L. Jackson's good.

But, you know, Brooks won't direct unless he's got a 90 -day shooting

and an $80 million budget.

Oh. Yeah, 90 million, 80 pussy.

Yep.

Yeah. Where's my drink?

It's coming right up.

The Brad Pitt movie is hanging by a thread.

He wants James L. Brooks, Samuel L. Jackson, 80 days, 90 million budget.

Pitt's got 24 hours to commit.

Got it. Good.

You know, I'm really starting to get comfortable back here.

And I've been thinking, if I went to bed in here the night before, I could get

like an extra hour of sleep.

I could shower at night, I could sleep in my uniform, and then, you know. Oh,

great. Took me five years to get you out of my house. Now you're going to live

in my car.

throw a Zen garden through the window again?

He's pretty upset.

Our Brad Pitt movie is dead because he got an offer from Melrose Studios to do

another film.

Sir, what if we recast with Matt Damon?

Sorry, sir, I meant to say Orlando Bloom.

How about Jude Law?

Holy jeez!

Should we go rescue the fish?

Screw the fish! It's every man for himself.

I don't see what the big deal is. We lose actors all the time.

It's Melrose.

They've never been interested in Brad Pitt.

If I didn't know better, I'd say they were just trying to screw us.

Well, maybe they are trying to screw us. But how could they?

No one else knew anything about this, except him, me, and you.

Savinsky had no way of knowing what we were doing.

What? Jimmy Fallon.

Ah.

Before I suggest Jimmy Fallon, does a boss still have that African spear on

wall?

What a day.

Well, come here. Sit down. Relax.

Let your husband take care of you.

Worker's really bad today, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Not.

Really? Yeah. Brad Pitt bailed out of our movie.

Oh.

That's too bad.

Well, what are you going to do? I mean, that guy clearly has commitment

problems.

You know, that wasn't even the crazy part of the day.

Oh, really? Something else happened?

Yeah. Mercer fell in love with a new project.

Yeah, I think he's gone insane. We're doing a remake of Gone with the Wind.

What's crazy about that?

We're doing it with chimpanzees.

Really? Yeah, I know.

Full length and everything.

I guess the bigger the monkey, the better, right?

The movie's full length, Jimmy.

Excuse me, Mr.

Savitsky. Please, Warner, call me George.

Okay, well, then you call me Greg.

No, thanks.

So, what do you got for me, Warner?

Well, George, I think you're going to want to sit down for this.

This is going to be good.

All right, let me have it, Warner.

The remaking Gone with the Wind using chimpanzees.

Wow, a monkey crew.

That's one way to get around the unions.

If they schlepped them up to Vancouver, I bet they could shoot that thing for

next to nothing.

Not the crew, the cast.

Chimps?

Harlot and Rhett?

Most romantic couple in cinema history?

Picking nits off each other?

This is either the most brilliant or the worst idea I've ever heard.

Well, it'd be cheap to make, and people do love monkeys.

They do love monkeys.

You go to the zoo, where are the biggest crowds? The monkey house.

And there, half of them are usually playing with themselves.

We're going to beat them to the punch.

We're going to make our own monkey classic.

I want you to get right to work on this, Warner.

Lock up every monkey in town.

You really want to make a monkey movie?

I know this movie sounds like a giant thinking ship, but so did the movie

the giant thinking ship.

Theater's full of people rooting for the Titanic not to sink.

Explain that to me.

This is so funny.

That's so funny.

What? It says here in Variety that your studio's doing a monkey movie.

Oh, that is funny.

That's not the funny part.

Visky must have found out that my studio's doing a monkey movie, and he

to do one first.

Oh, now I get it.

That is funny.

Ha -ha.

Still not the funny part.

What's the funny part? My studio's not doing a monkey movie.

But you told me that you were gonna... Yes, I did, to see if you would say

something, and you did.

Now that's funny.

Wait, you lied to me? No, no, no. Don't even try it.

We would not even have a roof over our heads if it wasn't for Greg and

I wouldn't have a job. You wouldn't have a job. Our kids wouldn't be going to

the school they're going to. What's more important than that?

I'm your wife.

But if I disagree with the way that you... Then you come talk to me. You

go behind my back.

All right? I should never have to question that what I say to you in

stays between us.

All right? That's what a marriage is, and that's what my marriage is going to

be. Do you understand?

And we're not going to have this conversation again.

Okay, then.

And one more thing. You and Greg are going to go into Savitsky's office and

you're going to explain to him what happened. I will, I promise.

Thank you.

Oh, man, Savitsky's going to be so mad when he finds out that movie was a fake.

Just find a three -picture deal with the San Diego Zoo.

God. There they are, my men of the hour.

I got big things planned for you guys.

You know, Warner, I think you're going to be very happy around Christmas time.

And Jimmy, this key opens every vending machine on the lot.

That's very nice, but we have something to tell you. Let me just hold it just

once.

Okay, go ahead.

We found out that Bradford's not doing Gone with the Wind with chimpanzees.

What are they using?

Gorillas?

Baboons? Lemurs?

They're not making it at all. We were... We were duped.

What? Christine suspected I was the leak, so she tricked me.

I don't believe it.

Thanks to you two, I'm going to be humiliated in front of the whole town.

Everyone's going to think I went insane.

I know. It's a terrible situation, George.

Who the hell are you calling George?

What are we supposed to do?

Well, there's only one thing we can do.

Go ahead and make the movie.

We back out now, we'll be the laughingstocks of Hollywood.

All right, then. Maybe it'll turn out great.

Well, you'll be the first to know.

Because you're going to be on the set the whole time, overseeing each and

monkey. And you can start by cleaning up after that one that was just in here.

You want a chocolate?

My mama always said, life was like a box of chocolates.

Who knows? It just might work.

Yeah.