Original subtitles

Hey. Guys, the four of us are going on a trip, and it is my treat.

Well, Jimmy, it's the first time I've ever heard you use the word treat where

you weren't referring to something with sprinkles on it.

And we're all going to a high -end golf resort and spa in the heart of Napa

Valley. I love the wine country.

How can you afford this?

Billy's sister is a travel agent, so she hooked me up with a great deal at this

place. I thought Billy's sister had that tax -free cigarette business.

Yeah, they found out she wasn't really one -sixteenth of Choctaw.

Are we taking the kids?

Nope, I'm using a travel voucher to fly your mom into babysitting.

Wow, Jimmy, this is so great.

Well, start packing, because we leave Friday.

This Friday?

Yep. We can't go this Friday.

Well, what else you got going on Friday?

Nothing, but it's already Wednesday. I mean, it's just too short a notice.

Greg, we're going to Napa, not setting out for the New World.

Well, next time, just give us a little more advance notice.

Unbelievable. What?

You've just got to be the least spontaneous person I've ever known.

Oh, please.

I don't know. He's got a point.

I mean, it's not even November, and you already put a hold on our Easter ham.

Has everybody already forgotten about when Jimmy was in charge last year? We

were the only family to celebrate our savior's resurrection with a ham and

cheese Lunchables.

Face it, Greg, you're kind of a fuddy -duddy. But it's so unfair. I can be

spontaneous. Remember when we checked out of that hotel in Palm Springs in the

middle of the night to go up to Ojai? Greg, the hotel was on fire.

We didn't check out. We jumped out.

kids. They don't just pick up and head off on a moment's notice.

But doesn't an eight -hour drive to the wine country and back seem like a whole

lot for one weekend? I agree, which is why we're flying.

Flying? That's right. I have nine credit cards, and they all give me miles.

Hey,

let's sit here.

Oh, um, actually, Greg usually likes to sit closer to the gate. Why?

He likes to be first under the plane so he can go through the pillows to make

sure he doesn't get one with someone else's hair on it.

I'm easy. I can sit anywhere.

I can sit right here on the floor.

Oh, maybe not right there.

I think that zone was used for unloading only.

All righty.

Frappuccino?

Cappuccino?

Venti macchiato? Thank you.

I wish Mrs. Siebert could hear me now. She always said I butchered the

Mrs. Siebert taught French.

Yeah.

Hey, thanks a lot. How much do I owe you?

It's on me.

Jimmy, you don't have to pay for everything on this vacation.

My treat, okay? Somebody gave me a Starbucks gift card for Christmas.

I gave you a gift card from Starbucks for Christmas.

Oh, man, I really wanted to treat you. I tell you what, I got a Mr. Field card,

too, so let me go get you some cookies.

I gave you that card, too.

You don't really put a lot of thought into your Christmas gifts, do you?

Attention all passengers, on flight 1442 bound for San Francisco, we are now

boarding at gate 6.

Flight 1442 is ready for boarding.

Greg, where are you going?

That's our flight.

Yeah, I know. We just got to wait a couple minutes.

Put the pillows.

Get your pillows. We just can't get seats right now. Why not?

Well, I got the tickets with vouchers and miles, so I just have to wait until

they call my name. But don't worry. We won't be long.

We're flying standby?

Frank, we haven't paid for tickets in years, and we always get seats.

But we don't always use them.

Mile High Club members since 1995.

I don't even know how two people can fit in one of those bathrooms.

It seems so uncomfortable.

I'll tell you a little secret.

A couple of well -placed airplane pillows.

Oh, God.

Passenger Hughes.

Passenger James Hughes to the counter, please.

Passenger.

No more seats.

What did I tell you, Jimmy? I can't believe this. Let me finish on that

But we are guaranteed seats on the next flight.

Guaranteed. So in a little more than an hour, we will be on our way.

Come on, just go with the flow. I'm going, I'm flowing. I'm just anxious to

start our vacation, that's all.

Greg, the vacation has already started.

All right, for example, I just went to the bathroom, and it wasn't just to hide

from my kids and cry.

Listen, there's a lot to do here. There's a chair massage place, a

Christina and I were talking about dropping into the Admirals Club. You

get in there. You have to be members.

Enjoy yourselves.

Esperanza Martinez?

I just found another payphone over there.

Hey, Esperanza, faminos.

Hey, come on, Greg.

Let's go get a Cinnabon. No, thank you.

No, thank you?

No?

We can't just say no to a Cinnabon. Come on, man, you can smell them from here.

Smell that.

Oh, my God. Come on, Greg, I'm buying.

Jimmy, you don't have to buy me a Cinnabon. You're right, I don't.

Buy one, get one free.

I guess this is a new bestseller.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I don't think I've read a book since

Emily was born.

I don't like to read books, Kim. My lips get tired.

magazine. We should each read a book this vacation.

Oh, God.

This looks interesting.

Twelve weeks on the New York Times bestsellers list.

You, the owner's manual.

Please. There isn't anything I don't already know how to do to myself.

Come on, Christine. Get a book and then we'll swap and we're done.

cover of the National Enquirer. You have to match the celebrity to their

cellulite.

I'm good at that.

Excuse me.

See?

Women like that read books. She's sophisticated. She travels.

Fantastic shoes.

I saw that.

I bet she's not eating with a coupon or a punch card.

All right.

I'm in.

You pick. Just nothing by Stephen King.

After I read Pet Sematary, I had to make Dad give our cat away.

I thought Mr. Whistler's just got old and died.

He did, over at the Grabowski's house where his satanic powers couldn't reach

him.

Mmm.

This is unbelievable.

I might have to go get another one.

Yeah, just like my mom used to make.

Your mom made good cinnamon rolls, huh?

Uh, no. She used to work at cinema.

See what?

If you had gotten on that flight, you never would have had this. See, that's

it's good to be spontaneous.

Where are you going?

I'll go to the bathroom.

Hey. Hey.

I'll be right back. I'm just going to the bathroom. You, uh, got the inquirer

there? No, Jimmy.

We happen to be enriching our minds.

Oh.

People?

give up their seats in exchange for a travel voucher, good for a free round

-trip ticket anywhere in the United States, as well as the spot of the next

available flight.

What? Don't even think about it. Well, don't worry, all right? I'm not going to

give up our seats for travel vouchers. I got plenty of travel vouchers.

Oh, you're not lying. There really is only books in there. What am I going to

read in the bathroom?

Well, if you're lucky, maybe someone left...

Piece of newspaper in one of the stalls.

Once again, any passengers on flight 628 willing to give up

their seats for travel vouchers, please come to the desk.

This is ridiculous.

They know they've sold too many seats and they just keep on doing it. And the

only way this is going to come to a stop is if we put a stop to it. We should

band together and refuse their bribes.

And demand, and demand that these unfair business practices come to an end.

Take it easy, Norman Ray.

Sorry, I'm just all jacked up. I shouldn't have ordered the extra

Check it out.

Jimmy, you said you weren't going to sweeten the pot.

What? I didn't give up our seats for travel vouchers. They offered cash. How

could you?

They offered cash.

I don't even care.

How much cash?

$100 per seat, which means one for you. Thank you. One for you.

and one for you.

Thanks. Look at that, Greg. All right. You haven't even left L .A. You already

made 200 bucks.

Well, I'm not here to make money. If I wanted to make money, I'd just stay at

work and not go on vacation.

Well, I'm sorry. I thought I was under the impression you were going to go with

the flow.

And I was under the impression the flow might actually go somewhere.

It's not like you had plans tonight, anyway.

I did have plans. I planned on getting a massage.

Don't worry. You're going to get your massage.

Fine. I'm not going to sweat it.

We'll just get there whenever.

See, that's the spirit.

Come on, Greg, we got an hour. Let's go get a Wetzel's pretzel. Jimmy, I just

had a Cinnabon. Come on, Greg.

I'm full.

You gotta have one, man.

Two more punches, I get a free soda.

Which Wetzel's pretzel did you get?

We just went with the plain.

It's hard to beat the plain Wetzel's pretzel.

There's nothing really plain about it.

Now, me, I'm a three -cheese man myself.

That is until they come out with a four cheese.

Huh?

Wow.

Bite for a bite?

What? A bite for a bite. I'll give you a bite of my Wetzel's pretzel for a bite

of your Wetzel's pretzel.

But I don't want yours.

But I want yours.

Can I have a sip of your free soda?

Look at this place.

They got a Pizza Hut Taco Bell.

One restaurant.

How'd you like to never have to make that decision again?

I love airports.

I could spend the whole day here.

Well, another three hours and you will have achieved your goal.

Oh, you found us.

Yeah, I saw a neon sign of a pizza shaking hands with a burrito. I knew

around here somewhere.

Come on, that's us. That flight was for Bakersfield.

Yeah, that's us.

We're going to San Francisco through Bakersfield.

There are no more direct flights to San Francisco.

So we've got to fly through Bakersfield.

That's right.

Bakersfield, then Santa Barbara, then Fresno, then Stockton, then straight on

into San Francisco.

You're insane.

That's it, Tim. Let's go home. Leave these crazy people alone.

This trip isn't everything that Jimmy advertised it to be, but I don't want to

go home.

I am with the kids all the time. I need this vacation.

You're right. You're absolutely right. So send me a postcard from Stockton, if

they even have postcards of Stockton.

Say hi to my mother for me.

Come on, Greg.

You can't say that you didn't have fun today.

Made a couple hundred bucks, hung out, had your first Wetzel's pretzel. Will

stop saying Wetzel's pretzel? What do you think, you get a free Wetzel's

every time you say Wetzel's pretzels?

Imagine what that would be like.

Spent much time in Bakersfield?

I've been there for the lawnmower races.

Hey, buddy, can you grab my nuts?

I beg your pardon?

My nuts, my nuts.

Can I help you? I dropped my peanuts. Oh, sure you can.

Thank you. You're welcome.

The whole weekend in wine country.

What a romantic.

Yeah, I know.

You know, my wife and I, we made love after we watched that movie last year.

Had we?

Nope, I think it was on my back.

Oh, come on, Greg.

But we're only in Stockton.

Yeah, I know. We're on the FFO to FFO tomorrow.

What? That's the airline code. We are on the first flight out to San Francisco.

You're kidding.

No, and we're going to be leaving bright and early first thing tomorrow morning.

I got a great little hotel in my traveler's discount book.

It's got color TV and covered parking. We don't have anything to park.

Come on, Greg. I thought we were going to be spontaneous.

You want me to be spontaneous?

Yes, I do.

an actual fight with Jimmy, Greg. I can't believe you.

Well, I can't believe this vacation Jimmy planned.

Four hours at an airport, three hours in a crop duster, and now one night at the

only fleabag hotel left in America with 25 -cent vibrating beds.

I know. Jimmy is a total nightmare.

He's a moron.

Remember?

One room, Jimmy?

One motel room in all of Stockton?

Like it's my fault? Like I was supposed to know there was an avocado growers

convention this weekend?

How would you know? How could you know? Because you never plan anything.

Because you're spontaneous.

How does everybody feel about spontaneity now, huh?

I'm sorry.

Whatever.

I promised you a massage tonight. Get off me!

You know, there was a time in our lives when this would have been cool.

I mean, when we were teenagers, we used to get a hotel room for two or three

couples. It was a blast.

Hey, Christine, remember when we went to Ocean City for a senior class trip?

I know, I know.

You went to Jolly Rogers Amusement Park, you drank Boone's Farm wine, you messed

around a little, and then you tried to pee off a balcony into a Dixie cup.

You heard that story? That's all your stories, every one of them. They all

involve drinking and messing around for a while, and then you trying to urinate

somewhere you're not supposed to urinate.

To be fair, sometimes Christine's the one urinating someplace you're not

supposed to urinate.

Look,

guys, we are not teenagers anymore. This is not fun.

And I think the best way we can end this most torturous day is to go to sleep.

We can all get up in the morning, head up to Napa Valley, and everything will

fine.

Okay? Good night.

Oh, for God's sake.

Brand new tennis courts, cottages surrounded by vineyards, marble

gorgeous. Yeah, who cares about marble entryways? Check out these free apples.

Jimmy, I never thought I'd say this, but you're right. It's great. I'm glad I

came. Oh, thanks, Greg. You know what?

I'm glad you came, too.

And listen, if everybody gets hungry a little bit later, I got coupons for a

free buffet lunch by the pool. Actually, I'm going to try to see if I can get

nine holes of golf in first.

Oh, okay. There's just one thing that everybody does when they first get here.

It's kind of a tradition.

Complimentary drink from the wine bar?

Actually, it's more like a show.

Welcome to Napa Valley Club Resort. For the next three hours, I'll be telling

you about the joys of spending a week each year in a luxury property that is

also a great investment.

Just think, for the price of a latte a day, you could be enjoying one of our...

A timeshare, Jimmy?

Actually, they call it fractional ownership.

You have to be the only people in the world disgusting enough to do that.

I forgot to lock the door.