Original subtitles

Howie and Joanne are going to be here any minute. I could use your help. Okay,

okay.

Let me pour the wine and get ready.

Woo!

Ready.

You know, did it ever occur to you you might actually like them? With your

record, Kim, let me remind you of some of the couples you've introduced to me

over the years.

There's the couple who keyed the young girl's car.

The older couple who wanted to swing with us.

Oh, and Jimmy and Christine.

All right, so I'm due for a good one. Well, how do you know these people

Well, Joanne's a mom from school, and she seems really sweet.

I've never met her husband.

Well, we need to come up with a signal.

What? A signal in case they stay too late. You can hurry them along. Oh, that

ridiculous. It's a school night. They're not going to stay late. Kim, I'm not

taking any chances. If I do this... Wrap it up.

Listen, could you please just try to be pleasant?

Remember the signal, Kim.

Hi!

Kim, this is Howie. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Look how little and cute you are. I can just put you in my pocket.

Yeah, I've been looking forward to this too. Too bad it's a school night.

Sorry we're late, but Joanne wrote the directions down wrong, but don't blame

her. She's got a learning disability.

I do not.

We've been married for 15 years. This will be some sort of explanation.

Well, I have to say, our Sammy loves your little Rebecca. You have to meet

She is exactly like her mother.

Yeah. We're hoping she grows out of it.

Would you guys like a drink?

Yeah, I'll have vodka and soda, and my mother here will have a small glass of

white wine.

Oh, Howie, he says that all the time. He drives me crazy.

For her, not such a long drive.

I'm going to go get the vodka.

Yeah, bring me one, too.

I don't want to get in love with you.

our trip to Antigua. No, you're remembering it all wrong. It was our

Jamaica.

All I know is they baked it in these little clay pots.

What are you talking about?

She can't tell a story to save her life.

If I die first, and Lord, please, let me die first, I will have to write my own

eulogy for her to say.

I'm looking forward to that.

Hey, that's not nice.

Joanne, you wouldn't believe how easy the recipe is. I'll write it down for

Don't bother. It's like trying to teach a dog how to play piano.

You know, I saw a dog play piano in Letterman once.

Well, then it's not like that.

I want your pie.

I've got to get up pretty early in the morning and get to work, so why don't we

just call this a night?

What, are you throwing us out?

Well, we should get going. I've got an early day tomorrow, too.

Yeah, she's got to take the kids to school, drive back home, and from the

of our house, go back to bed.

Thanks for having us. Bye -bye.

Oh,

my God.

What is that for?

for being the most wonderful husband in the world.

Well, you were annoyed with me earlier when I was refusing to help. Yeah, well,

that was before I heard Howie say he was looking forward to his midlife crisis

so he could start dating again.

That was uncomfortable.

Yeah, I guess we should start cleaning up. Oh, no, no, no, no. You sit down and

relax. Let me do it.

Okay. I can't believe such a sweet, nice woman would be married to a horrible

man like that. More coffee?

Don't mind if I do.

I am so lucky to have a husband like you.

Poor Joanne. I feel so terrible for her.

I do too.

It's just terrible, terrible.

You mean with Howie and his wife?

No.

I mean after they left and we went up to bed.

Yeah, those were some amazing positions. Thank you.

Or as you must have already learned in yoga class, namaste.

So what do you want for breakfast? I'll make you anything you want. I don't

know. I'm just going to grab some cereal. I don't want to be late for

thought you'd be a little late for work. I don't want to spoil you.

I'm going to go to the market and get everything I need to make your favorite

breakfast. Eggs and corned beef hash?

With fresh biscuits.

Wow, thanks. I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

Greg, for you, I would bend over backward.

Again.

Hey.

Hey, Jimmy, how the heck are you? Beautiful morning, huh?

Stop it, man. You're creeping me out. What are you in such a good mood about?

The little institution I like to call marriage. Oh, God.

That's the last thing I need to hear.

Why? What is your problem? Ah, Christine's mad at me because I left the

laundry in the dryer last night.

Mind if I hang out here a while?

She's got her panties in a bunch.

Literally.

And if I could fix this for you, what would you say?

You kidding me? I owe you big time. All right.

I'll set you up here. I got a number for you. Do me a favor, use it. And all

your problems with Christine will be settled once and for all.

Greg, I don't want her whacked. I just want her to be nice to me.

Oh, no, it's a number of a couple that Christine knows from school.

I'm not going to call a couple of complete strangers.

Okay, well, their name's right there. When you pick the kids up from school

afternoon, you figure out who they are.

Strike up a conversation with them.

And how is any of this going to help me? Oh, go out with them once, and you'll

see. Give Christine a chance to see what a bad husband's really like.

Oh, Greg, you're sounding a little crazy.

Yep.

That's the way women work, Jimmy.

They're always comparing their husbands to every other husband out there, just

like we compare our wives to all the other wives.

Yeah, Christine is always saying to me, why can't you be more like Judy's

husband?

He showers on the weekends and goes to church every Sunday.

I'd like to strangle that bastard.

Well, I've been coasting by for years because Kim's always comparing me to you

and realizing how good she has it.

You're welcome.

And I would like to thank you for being equally repulsive to my wife.

My pleasure. I mean, you think we had it good before.

This guy, Jimmy, this guy is like a gift from the gods.

Let's just say after one night of dinner with those guys, me and Kim had an

incredible night.

So for you guys, what does that mean? You played Scrabble?

No, but I had a four -letter word.

Up, down, and diagonal.

And I never used my blink.

I'm confused.

You guys have sex or play Scrabble?

It was so nice of you to invite us out for dinner.

I'm glad I bumped into Jimmy at the school bake sale.

I'm glad, too.

You didn't bake anything that someone's going to eat, did you?

Because I don't have enough liability insurance.

Jimmy brought home one of her banana breads. It looked delicious.

Before you eat it, would you be willing to sign a waiver?

Man, I love this navigational system.

The directions are always perfect.

It's so nice to hear a woman's voice in this car be right for a change.

I'm surprised a woman's voice can get a word in edgewise around here.

Wow. Listen to the mouth on that one.

for me last night. Yeah, well, do an incredible thing for me and get away

me.

We went out with Howie and Joanne last night. Yeah, I can tell you're walking

funny unless you went horseback riding.

I didn't go horseback riding, but the term stallion was bandied about.

I know, I told you. It's the same thing with me and Kim. I mean, we went out

with them a couple days ago and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to

a night off.

Yeah, and I was so grateful to you last night in the middle of things I almost

called out your name.

made me breakfast and lunch today.

And since I slept until noon, I had both at the same time.

Good for you. Over here, the magic's starting to wear off a little.

You're kidding me.

No, it's been a week now. I mean, watch this.

Kim?

Honey? Could you bring me a soda?

Are your legs broken?

I want my step -front wife back.

You've got to get Kim together with those people again. And Christine and I

go with you. There's no sense in me waiting until it wears off. It'll be

booster shot.

Kim is never going to go out with that guy again, and neither is Christine.

Come on, man. There's got to be a way.

I can't let this end.

Last night, Christine rubbed my feet.

Oh, man. I felt so good in the middle of things, I almost called out your name.

Stop doing that!

I just got us a reservation at this hot new place. Have you guys heard of Club

La Brea?

Oh, yeah. I've seen it on Entertainment Tonight.

Yeah, that's the new celebrity hot spot, right?

That's where Paris and Lindsay go to not eat.

Well, we're in, ladies, this Friday night. You guys up for it? Absolutely.

Sounds great.

Hey, but the reservations are for six people, so we need to invite another

couple. Ooh, who should we invite?

Um, you could always invite Howie and his wife.

Are you kidding?

What, so he can tell me he wants to put me in his pocket again?

He's such an ass.

I know. We've taken over countries where they treat their wives better.

I know what you mean. I feel terrible for her. I think that's exactly why we

should invite them.

What? Well, you know, we've been talking, and we really think we can't

backs on her.

Yeah, sure, we can be selfish and never see them again, but how is her life

going to get any better? What can we do to help?

Well, we could spend some time with him. I mean, how is Howie ever going to

learn to behave better if he doesn't have good examples? You know, couples

us. With healthy relationships.

Built on honesty and trust.

That's very sweet of you.

I'm just thinking about that poor woman.

I don't want to spend any more time with them. Can't you and Jimmy just have a

talk with Howie?

No, no. That would just be humiliating for both of them.

No, the best thing to do here is to lead by example.

Think of it as a good deed.

Can't we just give blood instead?

All of our blood?

Her banana bread did stink, by the way.

All right, so you're right. All right, so she doesn't deserve one last chance

happiness.

Okay, fine.

I'll set it up. Well, I'm glad to hear you all say that, because one day we're

going to look back on this moment and remember it as the day things changed

Howie and Joan.

You mean Joanne.

Whatever.

Wow, this place is great.

I can't believe Greg got us in here. I know.

How did you get us in here? I made a reservation under F -Daddy.

Who's F -Daddy?

I don't know, but they didn't want to admit that they didn't know, so here we

are.

Reservation for F -Daddy, please.

F -Daddy.

Oh, there I am. Perry Farrell. I think they just forgot to put down the daddy

part. I'm going by Perry F -Daddy these days.

You're Perry Farrell from Jane's Addiction? Well, probably don't look the

because I'm no longer addicted.

Just trying to keep it real.

This way.

It's too bad we have to waste this place on Howie and Joanne. I know. It's going

to be hard to enjoy ourselves having to listen to him put her down all night

long. Could you two be a little more positive? Remember, we're here to show

Howie how husbands who love their wives behave.

That's right. Tonight could be a real turning point in their lives.

Come on already.

Sorry we're late.

I guess the older she gets, the more time it takes to look present.

Sit down.

To

Howie and

Joanne. Amen.

Who's ready for a picnic?

We are.

Greg, I brought your favorite, pastrami on rye from Langer's.

You know your man.

See how well you know me.

Well, I wasn't sure which you'd like best, the brisket, the egg salad, or the

roast turkey.

So, I brought you all three.

You do know me.

Hey. Hey, Christine, I didn't know you were stopping by. Oh, well, I was able

sneak out during lunch, and I wanted to do something special for you. Oh, can it

beat egg salad, brisket, and roast turkey?

How about a quickie in the supply closet?

Kim, does this brisket have gravy?

I was thinking maybe you could come over later and watch the ball game. Sure.

I'll get Christine and run out and get us some beer. You think you can get Kim

to make us some sandwiches?

How many? What kind?

Hey, is that Howie's car?

Yeah, it is. Did you invite them over?

No.

Did you? No.

You're just about to have a little talk.

Um, look, this is a little awkward, but it has to be said.

The way that Howie treats you is completely unacceptable.

If I may, I think what Tim is trying to say is the man's a pig.

Uh, you know, I really, I don't think it's our place.

No, it's okay.

I know Howie treats me badly.

But, I mean, what am I going to do about it? I'm not going anywhere. We have

three kids.

That's true. This is true.

Come on. Well, thanks for coming over. No, no, no.

You can't just sit there and take it anymore. You have to do something.

Look, Kim, Christine, I really, really appreciate what you're trying to do.

But Howie will never change his behavior. He's a guy. That's just how

Believe me, I know guys, all right? And they're not all like that.

I mean, some of them have big hearts.

Like these two.

The truth is, when Christine and I saw the way that Howie treated you, we were

so upset by it, we were just going to avoid you.

Yeah, but Jimmy and Greg were the ones that convinced us that that was wrong.

I mean, they were the ones that were so worried about you, right?

I mean, they practically begged us to get involved in your life and help you.

I am so touched to think that my well -being Is that important to you?

Tell her, Timmy. Tell her how you feel.

You shouldn't take his crap anymore.

That's how Greg feels too, Greg.

What he said.

You're right.

I'm going to go home and talk to Howie right now.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Well, we only did it because we care, Joan.

Joanne. Whatever.

Well, I'm so glad we could all get together again.

You know, it's only been a couple of weeks, but it might as well be a hundred

years. I've been going to AA meetings and couples therapy.

It's really changed my life.

Oh,

excuse me. Right over here.

I'll take a dozen. There you are, my friend. Keep the change.

For you, m 'lady.

Aww.

Yeah, come on here.

I'm so sorry you guys had to see me behave so poorly, but I hope in the

we're still around together to see my good behavior.

Well, that is really great to hear.

But just so you know, if you slip up, your ass is mine.

She's fun.

You are fun.

Hey, we should pick a date night, you know, like you guys wanted, so we can

see each other every week.

What about Monday night?

Oh, wait, I forgot Monday night football.

No, no, no, no, no. It's all about you, my darling.

Monday's wonderful.

It's amazing. He is so attentive to her. It's so romantic.

Like a different person.

Can you imagine having a husband like that?

So you want to dance?